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00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,139
MAN:
Now, the West Wing was
built by Theodore Roosevelt
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00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:06,840
and was meant
to be temporary.
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00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,976
SKIP:
Hey, guys.
Welcome to the White House.
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,678
Sweet colonnade,
right?
5
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,813
It's just Latin
for "porch."
6
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,649
Uh...
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great idea.
7
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,651
We'll take a picture and
we'll post it online.
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:18,852
Your friends will be like,
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00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,489
"I know that guy! He's amazing!
10
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:22,823
I remember when he burned down
that place."
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00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:23,991
If you would.
I'm afraid
there's no photography
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00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,493
on the White House tour,
13
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,660
Mr. Gilchrist.
Take a... But take a picture.
14
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,996
Sir. No.
Okay.
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00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,998
I get it.
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00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,500
This is your show.
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00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,168
You're the real
star here.
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00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:37,004
Please continue
showing them my house.
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00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,207
Right this way.
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00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,513
Ah, the Cabinet Room,
the scene of many negotiations
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00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,515
that have shaped
the course of our nation.
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00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,683
Hey. Sorry to
bother you again.
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00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,185
Me again, White
House resident.
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00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,886
Um... So, just wondering
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00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,688
when we're gonna get
to the cool stuff?
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00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,525
Like, you know, the
secret passageways.
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00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,528
Or the closet where they keep
Grover Cleveland's skeleton.
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00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:01,895
Those things don't exist.
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00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:05,233
(quietly):
Then whose bones did I find?
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00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,035
But when Lincoln proposed
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00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,704
the vaunted land grant
colleges, many thought...
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00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,906
Mr. Gilchrist!
(screams)
You scared me!
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00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,209
Touching the busts
is not allowed.
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00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,044
Well, then why even have
a bust of Wilford Brimley
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00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,078
if you can't touch it?
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00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:20,548
That is Theodore Roosevelt.
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00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,883
You sure? You know who I'm
talking about, right? The-the...
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00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,052
(deep voice):
"I got diabetes."
Yes.
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00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,888
Look! This is
the People's House.
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00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,224
And the people deserve
to touch whatever they want!
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00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,059
(glass shattering)
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00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,761
My cereal is soggy.
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00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,563
I should dash.
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00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,730
(glass crunching)
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00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:41,769
* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.
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00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,240
Today, the president welcomes
his brother, Doug Gilchrist,
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00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,108
to the White House
for the very first time.
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00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:51,245
As you may know, Mr. Gilchrist
is the owner-operator
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00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,913
of the Las Vegas
Convention Center.
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00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,115
The whole First Family
looks forward
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00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,950
to catching up with Uncle Doug.
(Emily groans)
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00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,753
I am not looking forward
to catching up with Uncle Doug.
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00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:00,921
Come on.
He's only here for two days,
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00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,756
and he's staying in a hotel.
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00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,925
Because the White House
isn't good enough for him.
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00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,260
You can be mad about seeing him
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00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,095
or you can be mad about
not seeing him.
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00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,597
One of those might be enough.
59
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,131
He always takes
these little digs at you.
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00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,601
At our wedding, he said
I would still be pretty enough
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00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,802
to remarry when you die.
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00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,270
Because I'm older than you
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00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,605
and you're really hot.
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00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,772
It's a solid dis.
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00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,107
I'm not saying he's wrong.
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00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,775
This will be tight for decades.
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00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,777
But he shouldn't
have said it.
(groans)
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00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,946
He's just busting my balls.
You know, it's classic brother
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00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,781
back-and-forth.
Seems like a lot
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00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,283
of forth and not a lot of back.
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00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:31,619
Hey! There you are!
Hey.
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00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,621
(laughing)
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00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,789
Whoa. Great to see you.
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00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,990
Whoa.
Okay.
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00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:37,991
Hey.
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00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,127
Offer still stands. Kidding!
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00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,995
Am I kidding?
I don't know.
Am I?
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00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,130
I don't know. I don't...
I'm kidding.
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00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,798
Am I?
Hey.
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00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:45,966
Mr. President.
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00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,968
Psych.
Oh!
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00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,303
Got me. How was the trip,
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00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,804
huh?
Well,
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00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,972
the Con-Con honcho
gave me a ride
85
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,807
on his G-5 and
the stewardesses
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00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,643
were Latvian, so...
(whistles)
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00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,677
Whoa.
So,
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00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,812
this is the Oval Office.
Yep.
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00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,981
This is where I punch
the old time card.
90
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,651
It's a lot smaller
than I thought it would be.
91
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:04,818
You ever think about
pushing out the walls?
92
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:05,986
Yeah. Then we could add a couple
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00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,821
video poker machines.
(laughs)
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00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,323
Gaming in Washington?
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00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,991
With Atlantic City
breathing down our neck?
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00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,159
You want to get us killed?
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00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,027
(Dale chuckles)
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00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,330
Okay, guys, this interview
should be a breeze.
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00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,666
It's Mary Hart,
not Meet the Press.
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00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,835
So, let's just do a dry run.
(clears throat)
101
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,871
Tell me about the pregnancy.
102
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,673
Any cravings? Nausea?
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00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,174
No on cravings,
yes on nausea.
104
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,010
Nothing I can't handle.
Next caller.
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00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,012
Okay, D.B.,
that question was for Becca,
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00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,847
and this is not
a phone interview.
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00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,049
Why don't you let me handle
the interview portion
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00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,351
of the interview?
Great idea.
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00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,852
And-and, D.B., you just...
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00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,388
you just reassure them
with your smile.
111
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,692
Damn. You've just got that
in your back pocket?
112
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,193
It's how I got
into this situation.
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00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,862
Well, if you guys got this,
I'm gonna head back to Old Navy.
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00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:49,863
Stop smiling now.
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00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,199
Cool. See you, guys.
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00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:55,202
BECCA (sighs):
I still can't believe
I even have to do this.
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00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,037
I mean, the entire point
of these
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00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,873
puff pieces is to scratch at you
until some emotion leaks out
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00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,875
and then they feed
on you like vampires
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00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,877
until there's nothing left
but a drained husk.
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00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,046
Maybe you should
just smile, too.
This should be a private matter,
122
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,881
but because of who I am,
I have to go on TV
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00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:10,384
and let them try and turn me
into some blubbering mess
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00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,387
of a pregnant lady.
Well, think again, America.
Listen, Becca,
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00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:16,223
I am spending my lunch trying
to turn my ex-girlfriend
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00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,892
and the guy who impregnated her
into America's sweethearts.
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00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:21,395
I could be reading tweets.
I could be singing.
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00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,896
We were supposed to do
the interview prep last night
129
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,097
until you canceled.
130
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,733
I told you my uncle was sick.
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00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,267
(knocking)
Need you for a sec.
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00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,268
Yep.
Wait.
133
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,269
I'm-I'm sorry.
134
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,738
Is he doing okay?
135
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,072
Well, uh, he's convinced that
136
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,073
I'm one of his buddies
from the war.
137
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,107
So, yeah,
138
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,443
a little better.
139
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,253
(gasps)
140
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,457
Visiting your uncle?
(scoffs)
141
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:55,963
(scoffs)
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00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:01,168
Oh, God, what did I just do?!
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00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,277
So, I ever tell you kids
about the time your old man
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00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,946
chickened out of wrestling
Carmine Tambornini?
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00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,449
Uh, I don't think they want
to hear that old story.
146
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:18,786
(children talking excitedly)
147
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,287
Doug, tell it,
tell it, tell it!
All right.
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00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,955
It was the day of the
final varsity match,
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00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,458
and your dad was supposed
to wrestle Carmine.
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00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,293
He was the biggest guy
in the district.
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00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,328
Last minute, he chickens out.
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00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:31,131
(stutters)
I was sick.
(Skip clucks)
153
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,800
He chickens out.
(clucks)
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00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,302
No, I was sick.
He chickens out, so I got
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00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,305
to take his place, okay?
And this Carmine,
this guy's a beast, okay?
156
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,308
He's got more hair on his chest
than Skip has on his head.
157
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,311
Is that even possible?
He gets me into a hold
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00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,846
that pulled my jock so tight
159
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,314
against my undercarriage,
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00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,516
I couldn't pee right for a week.
161
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:50,984
There's a new detail.
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00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,986
But I refused to tap out.
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00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,488
Then I hear a loud snap.
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00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,990
The son of a bitch broke my arm.
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00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,326
So Carmine got DQ'd
and I become
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00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,495
district champion
instead of your father.
167
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,997
I had mono. It was...
(Doug laughs)
168
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,834
Mono? In high school?
The kissing disease?
169
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:10,170
Well...
What, you get it from Mom?
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00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,840
Dad, what he's implying
is so gross.
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00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,341
Okay. Enough fun
with Uncle Doug.
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00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,209
Terry and Mike are ready to
take you two back to school.
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00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,845
DALE:
And, you know, I actually
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00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,379
have some work
to get to, so...
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00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,515
Yeah, I guess that deficit
can't run itself up.
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00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,517
SKIP (laughing):
Yeah, and Grandma can't
make out with herself.
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00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:26,353
No one can.
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00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,221
I-I did not chicken out.
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00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,858
I had mono
from kissing many girls.
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00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,360
Well, I'm glad he
doesn't bother you.
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00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,862
Okay. You're right.
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00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,196
The insults bug me.
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00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,865
As do the stories,
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00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,867
which really are just
a string of insults
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00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,034
woven into a narrative.
(sighs)
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00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,369
I knew it.
187
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,371
I knew he made you miserable.
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00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,540
Wait. Are you happy
right now?
189
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,375
No, sweetie, it's
more vindicated.
190
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,877
Subtle distinction.
191
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,545
But I am not satisfied being
192
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,881
the king of the
convention business.
Nor should you.
193
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,216
That's why I'm working
on a new idea.
194
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,552
People are always complaining
that their commute is too long
195
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,387
and they got no time
to work out.
196
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,223
I have no commute and I never
work out, but I'm with you.
197
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,058
So we get a bunch
of free weights,
Uh-huh.
198
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,895
put 'em in the back
of a shuttle van, and boom--
199
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,229
Traffic Gym.
200
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,899
That sounds like "traffic jam."
201
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,433
You're a genius, Uncle Doug.
202
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,068
I'm just a businessman, Skip.
203
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,570
Anyone can do it.
204
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:19,106
You look at the market,
you see what's missing,
205
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,908
and you bring it to the people.
206
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,310
You bring it to the people.
207
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,080
(whispering):
You ready for this?
208
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,082
Hey, look at me
when I'm talking to you.
209
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,251
I was.
210
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,286
Let's do it.
211
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,424
GUIDE:
Finished in 1800,
the White House
Psst, psst,
212
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,593
has been home
to every president...
psst, psst.
213
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:42,262
(whispers):
If you want to see
the real White House,
214
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:47,134
follow me.
...I have a particular detail
that John Adams added himself.
215
00:07:55,976 --> 00:08:00,113
Ladies and gentlemen, history
is about to come to life.
216
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,015
Thank you.
217
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,957
(knocking)
(whispers):
We're good, we're good.
218
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,992
No one knows
how the White House was built,
219
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,460
but there are many theories.
220
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,463
Was it constructed
by aliens? Freemasons?
221
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,466
We may never know for sure.
It was built by slaves.
222
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,135
Wh-What?
Uh, the White House
was built by slaves.
223
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,972
Oh, God. Really?
(sighs)
224
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,307
Whoo... whoo.
225
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,010
(gasps)
Ladies and gentlemen,
226
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,145
feast your eyes upon
this historic portrait
227
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,982
of George Wa... shington.
228
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,150
Even better,
feast your hands.
229
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,486
Really get on up in here.
230
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,156
Yeah. Grope that ancient paint.
Grope it.
231
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,992
(slaps hand)
Whoa. Too much groping.
232
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,493
We're leaving
fingerprints.
233
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,996
I'm just gonna rub that off.
234
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,499
No, I'm making... I'm making it
much worse actually.
235
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,002
You know, not a lot of
people know this, but,
236
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,170
uh, when Washington
ran out of ammunition,
237
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,006
he actually used
his wooden teeth
238
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,341
to chomp
through the British... troops.
239
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,011
(imitates buzzer)
Uh, he didn't have his false
teeth until after the war.
240
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,013
The wooden teeth are a myth.
241
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,181
No, it's not. They...
Actually, fossils suggest
242
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,516
tooth-on-bone marks...
(imitates buzzer)
243
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,351
Wha... You know what?
I really appreciate
244
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,054
how engaged you are in this
tour, but I'm also wondering
245
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,690
if there are any other noises
that you make.
246
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,692
I'm sorry. It's just,
you know, facts are facts.
247
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,728
Oh, no, no. I'm sorry.
That's a fact.
248
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,197
That's a fact.
249
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,398
I didn't send it.
How is that possible?
250
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,533
That is your number,
Marshall.
251
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,035
But I didn't do it.
Okay,
252
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,369
let me get
this straight.
Get it straight.
253
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,738
If you didn't send this,
who did?
254
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,046
That's my coffee.
Mm!
255
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,214
I'm not supposed to have coffee
when I'm pregnant.
256
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,050
That is not your fault.
257
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,552
I know.
258
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,587
(groans, squeaks)
259
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,728
SKIP:
Touch his face. That's it.
Really get in there
260
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,064
and feel the... I-I want
to say fifth president.
261
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,565
Ooh, what a treat.
262
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,433
My sister Becca, everybody.
263
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,569
Feel free to touch
her belly. That's it.
264
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,272
It's the People's baby.
(groans)
Not now, Skip.
265
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,407
She really did not like that.
You know what?
266
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,576
This stinks. I mean,
you don't know your facts,
267
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,112
and... Eh, not so much.
I know most of... I know.
268
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,580
You're forcing us to touch
people against their will.
269
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,248
Nobody's being forced
to do anything.
270
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,583
Is it too late to get back
on the official tour?
271
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,751
(others murmuring in agreement)
272
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,419
Yes! Yes! Yes,
it is too late
273
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,620
to get back on
the official tour.
274
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,255
We don't even know
where they are right now.
275
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,758
Please, everyone,
just stick with me.
276
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,761
I have so... I have so much
amazing stuff in store.
277
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:31,098
Russia's giving us the runaround
on the latest resolution.
278
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,766
Okay, propose it anyway.
279
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,335
Let's throw it back
in their court.
280
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,144
And where are we
on those wildfires?
281
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,446
Mostly contained but they've
damaged a few residential areas.
282
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,449
I want FEMA setting up
disaster relief ASAP,
283
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,619
and get Administrator Robertson
on the phone.
284
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,789
Because his operations
are my operations.
285
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,157
Because I'm the boss
286
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,126
of all operations,
287
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,628
and commander in chief
of the military.
288
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,463
Dale.
289
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,631
What's your Wi-Fi password?
290
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,299
We don't have Wi-Fi.
291
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,802
Even public rest stops
have Wi-Fi.
292
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,704
It's an old building.
293
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,812
Get in there. Take pictures.
294
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,480
Really poke around, that's it.
295
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,149
In that third drawer,
Millard Fillmore
296
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,650
used to keep his undergarments.
297
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,152
Were they men's?
Were they women's?
298
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,353
He'll never tell.
299
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,821
DALE:
I can't believe it.
300
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,156
I mean,
you warned me...
301
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,657
Oh, no. That's my dad.
302
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,825
I'd know that low
rumble anywhere.
303
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,526
Uh, guys, don't freak out,
304
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,495
but we're going to make
an unplanned detour now
305
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,664
into the bathroom,
right in there--
306
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,332
(stutters)
exits both ways--
307
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,502
where I need total
pin-drop silence, okay?
308
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,838
Shh, shh.
I could not believe it.
309
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,174
I mean, he pulled aside
310
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,675
the Secretary of the Interior
311
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,511
and told him
312
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,346
the Carmine wrestling story.
313
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,514
Should we be hearing this?
314
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,515
No, probably not.
No, no.
315
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,683
DALE:
Somehow he connected it
316
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,186
to the allocation
of Indian lands.
317
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,854
It was actually a pretty
impressive segue.
318
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,189
Okay, Dale,
319
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,356
you've tried it your way.
320
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,357
Now will you please
321
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,859
tell your brother how you feel?
322
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,861
(whispers):
Nobody else has this
kind of access.
323
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,362
DALE:
Fine.
324
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,364
Emotions. Words. Whatever.
325
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,532
I'll give it a shot.
326
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,701
Really?
I got through to you?
327
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,870
I'm so excited,
'cause I actually figured out
328
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,738
what's going on with him.
329
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:21,208
It's all about
that damn wrestling match.
330
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,375
What are you talking about?
Okay,
331
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,377
so he broke his arm
and he couldn't meet
332
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,712
with the recruiter
from the Naval Academy.
333
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,380
Right.
You end up at Annapolis,
334
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,715
he ends up at business school,
335
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,884
your lives go in
two different directions.
336
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,253
Doug's got to be wondering,
"What if?"
337
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,888
Hell, he probably thinks
he should be president.
338
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,556
Oh, my God,
it's all coming together.
339
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,258
Greek tragedy.
I'm a genius.
340
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,893
This seems like
private family business.
341
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,562
I-I agree with you.
DALE:
...over a pair of jean shorts.
342
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,730
Forget that.
343
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,232
This talking
to your brother thing...
344
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,900
that is still happening.
345
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,902
(sighs):
I guess so.
346
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,904
Come on, you'll do great.
347
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,772
I have faith in you.
348
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,444
(whispers):
Celebrities:
they're just like us.
349
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,947
They're just like us.
350
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,425
So, this is good.
351
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,461
You and me, talking.
352
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,296
Yeah.
353
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,766
Ooh, it's humid in D.C.
354
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,935
It's hot like Nevada,
355
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,937
but it's not a dry heat.
356
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,638
Yeah, Nevada's a dry heat.
357
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,774
(sighs)
358
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,443
D.C.'s got
great seafood.
359
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,313
Well, it's closer
to the ocean.
360
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,618
Would you excuse
me for a second?
361
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,987
Sure.
362
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,457
And so I told my husband,
363
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,993
a card is not a gift.
Right.
364
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,298
How's the talking going?
365
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,466
We're discussing humidity
and shellfish.
366
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,635
Though it's been
pretty heartfelt.
367
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:56,970
Okay.
368
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,505
Do you want me to
help get you started?
369
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,974
(grumbles):
No... you know...
370
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,509
Yeah.
371
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,516
Hey, Marshall.
372
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:10,984
Just, you know,
getting in the zone,
373
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,485
getting ready for the interview,
so now's not...
374
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,987
Excuse me, could you give
us a second, please?
375
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,323
...really a great time for me.
376
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,991
What in the hell
are you thinking?
377
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,659
I don't know
what you're talking about.
378
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,661
You pretended to be me and
you sent a text from my phone.
379
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,997
Yes, okay, I maybe do know
what you're talking about.
380
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,665
But you know what,
you lied to me first.
381
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,699
You said that you were
382
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,001
going to visit your uncle,
383
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,369
but you went on a date
with Vanessa.
384
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:30,670
I did go visit my uncle,
385
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,838
and then I went
on a date afterwards.
386
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,006
I am an adult, Becca.
387
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,674
I can use the whole night.
388
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,343
Okay.
Okay.
389
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,511
See, I thought this was
one of those situations
390
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,846
where I did one thing wrong,
391
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,349
you did one thing wrong,
but now it turns out
392
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,716
that I did two things
wrong, and...
393
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,352
you did no things wrong.
394
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,686
Yup.
You know,
395
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,688
my pregnancy is really
taking a toll on me,
396
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,023
and my hormones,
397
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,524
Really? Really?
they're just acting like
398
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:52,725
Really? After all of that
crazy.
399
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,027
"pregnancy won't
change me" talk,
400
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,362
now you're suddenly
overcome with hormones?
401
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,729
I can see how it would be
402
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,032
very easy to use
my own words against me.
403
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,034
Anyway, anyway, why do you care
who I go out on a date with?
404
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,535
You're with D.B.
405
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,536
I'm moving on,
I thought we were cool.
406
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,871
We are cool, okay?
407
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,373
Super cool.
408
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,707
So, just move on
wherever you want, date...
409
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,043
Hey, guys. Got my
interview shirt on.
410
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,379
Flattering stripes,
radical patch,
411
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,713
$14.94 in the kids' section.
412
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,914
Let's do this thing.
413
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,718
Okay, guys, this is just stupid.
414
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,720
Doug, Dale feels like you never
give him a compliment.
415
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:21,754
Are you kidding?
416
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,889
I always compliment him
417
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,391
on the size of his huge head.
418
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,558
See, you're doing it right now.
419
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,060
You pretend you're joking,
420
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,761
but you undercut Dale
whenever you get the chance.
421
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,065
I-It's true, Doug.
422
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:33,933
Uh... you do it, well,
423
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,902
you do it all the time.
424
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,905
And no matter what I do,
I can't impress you.
425
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,107
You really feel that way?
426
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,410
Yeah, I do.
427
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,445
Look, I'm just
busting your balls.
428
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,913
That's what brothers do.
429
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,415
That's what I told her.
430
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,749
Of course
I'm proud of you.
431
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:50,750
I'm proud as hell.
432
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:51,918
I brag about you
433
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,586
every chance I get--
ask anybody
434
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,754
in the convention industry.
435
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,423
I just figured you knew.
436
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,924
Now I do.
437
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,760
Doug... thanks.
438
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,928
EMILY:
This is good.
439
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,597
I'm proud of you two
440
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:05,932
for listening to me.
441
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,101
Proud of me
for making you listen.
442
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:10,770
We did it.
443
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,439
(Emily sighs)
444
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,773
Scotch?
445
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,443
Hell, yes.
Yeah.
446
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,944
You know, it actually
447
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,113
feels good talking.
448
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,614
I'm surprised to say I agree.
449
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,982
Funny thing, Emily had
450
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,119
this crazy theory that
your life took a turn
451
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,787
after that wrestling match.
452
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,489
(laughs)
453
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:30,790
That's why you're always
454
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,792
telling that story, and...
455
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,028
what-- ah, forget about it.
456
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,131
Huh.
457
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,632
I like to say
that I'm not a pregnant woman,
458
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,502
but a woman
who happens to be pregnant.
459
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,137
I like that.
You reversed it.
460
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,838
Thank you.
(sighs)
461
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,640
You know, it's very
important to me
462
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,642
that I be a strong role model
for young women.
463
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,512
My pregnancy doesn't
make me any less capable.
464
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,846
And D.B.,
465
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,684
this must be quite a
change for you, too.
466
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,992
Well, your goals
are admirable, Becca.
467
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,661
But I think what I and
the American people
468
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:09,829
want to know is,
469
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,498
how are you feeling?
470
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,866
Even role models have
moments of doubt.
471
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,168
I don't.
472
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,503
Are you sure?
473
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,171
I am.
474
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,706
But are you?
475
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,176
Well, it's a lot of pressure,
476
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,011
being pregnant
in the public eye.
477
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,713
Everybody has an opinion.
478
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:27,847
Yeah, there's even a blog
479
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,182
dedicated to pictures
of my belly.
480
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,683
BeccaBellyBlog.com.
481
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,520
The comments are hilarious.
482
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,689
We are going through
a very private thing
483
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,191
in front of
millions of people,
484
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,693
and, well, that can
start to get to you.
485
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,696
You know, sometimes...
486
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:44,864
sometimes you'll
just do things
487
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,533
that you can't explain.
488
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,536
You know, one minute
I want a burrito
489
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,704
and then the next minute
you're freaking out
490
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,039
because a button
flew off your coat,
491
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,541
and now here I am,
492
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,043
crying on national television
like an idiot.
493
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,211
Here.
494
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,213
Thank you.
495
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,048
(choking up):
It's just that pregnancy
496
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,051
is a really beautiful time
in a woman's life.
497
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,221
This is the first time
she seems human.
498
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,722
Yeah, she does.
499
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:10,923
It's just so intense.
500
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,225
I mean, we made a person
501
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,561
and it lives inside of her.
502
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,762
(Becca sobs)
503
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:16,929
May I?
504
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,097
Oh, sure.
505
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,566
Knock yourself out,
506
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,268
Mary Hart.
507
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,105
(Becca sobs)
508
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,581
The wrestling match
was a turning point.
509
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:35,915
If your arm was broken,
510
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,084
I would've applied
to the Naval Academy.
511
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,586
Well, sure, I went
512
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:40,953
to business school,
graduated fifth in my class.
513
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,121
Would've been higher if I wasn't
514
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,590
dating two girls
at the same time.
515
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,924
But if I was in the military,
516
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,626
I would've won
as many medals as you.
517
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,627
Probably more.
Wait, wait,
518
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:48,761
wait, they don't just give
519
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:49,762
those medals to anybody.
520
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:50,763
I would've been the one
521
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,765
coming back to Nevada a hero.
522
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,767
With a chestful of medals,
I'm a no-brainer for governor.
523
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,603
I fought a really tough race
to become governor.
524
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,638
Next thing you know, I'm
barnstorming across Iowa,
525
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,973
and wap-bam-boom,
hail to the chief, baby.
526
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,109
It's like when my
arm was broken,
527
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,611
we switched lives.
528
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,646
(Dale laughs)
529
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,953
I should be president.
530
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,788
Get out of my chair, Doug.
531
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,956
Make me.
532
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,291
I mean, maybe I
care too much,
533
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,959
and that's why
I get involved.
534
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,294
But I know I can help.
535
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,795
I mean, look at
Doug and Dale.
536
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,163
That's decades
of tension
537
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,298
I can relieve.
538
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,133
Is it a gift,
a burden?
539
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,635
Is it both?
540
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,303
(scuffling)
541
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,671
DALE:
You want some of this?!
542
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,139
(both shouting)
543
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,307
(grunting)
544
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,008
(grunting)
545
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,810
(grunting)
546
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,812
Guys!
547
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,180
No, no, no, no, no, no.
548
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,149
This is family, guys,
I can handle it.
549
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,318
Yeah? I don't think
you can handle it.
550
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,986
Oh, shut up!
551
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,321
(screams)
552
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,323
(Emily gasps)
553
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,991
Okay, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat it.
554
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,660
This is a major setback.
555
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,028
(groaning)
Why don't you stop
556
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,197
roughhousing
and talk like adults?
557
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,667
(screaming)
558
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,002
Talking is what got us
into this.
559
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,004
Tap out.
560
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,339
It's not gonna happen.
561
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,675
Tap out, you stubborn ass.
Stop!
562
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,876
Tap out.
563
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,210
You're gonna have
to break my arm.
564
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,679
Fine.
565
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,715
(panting)
566
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,351
Fine.
567
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,019
(Doug grunts)
568
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,688
This is ridiculous.
569
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,189
I knew you weren't
as tough as me.
570
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,857
No. I never was.
571
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,192
I chickened out, okay?
572
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,694
What?
573
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,695
Yeah, I've been lying
574
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,697
about that day for 40 years.
575
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:31,864
I wasn't sick.
576
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,367
I was scared to wrestle Carmine.
577
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,035
He was the size of a bear
578
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,704
and he had a full mustache.
579
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,206
I pretended I had mono,
and I stayed home.
580
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,374
I knew it.
581
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,076
You always looked
out for me, man.
582
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,378
You always did, and I know
583
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,880
I would not be where I am today
584
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:51,217
if you didn't wrestle
Carmine Tambornini.
585
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,421
Well, that's all
I ever wanted to hear.
586
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,394
(Dale panting)
587
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,896
Come here.
588
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,932
(both laughing)
589
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:08,735
You hug like an
old woman.
590
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:09,736
(scattered applause)
591
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,070
This is amazing.
592
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,239
Amazing!
593
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,941
Ladies and gentlemen,
594
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,076
that concludes
our adventure.
595
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,911
If you liked it, I hope
you'll tell your friends--
596
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,413
"Skip the Tour."
597
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:21,748
Out of the office, Skip.
598
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:22,749
And we're moving on.
599
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,451
We're moving as quickly
as possible, guys.
600
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:30,189
Oh, hey-hey, uh?
(laughs)
42580
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