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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,905
ALL (chanting):
Dale failed, Dale failed,
Dale failed, Dale failed...
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:09,177
Look at us-- it's like we're
in a Norman Rockwood painting.
3
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,178
Morning, Xander.
4
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,213
You sleep okay?
I did not, Emily.
5
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,348
I'm running for class president.
6
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:15,483
A lot on my mind.
7
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,717
DALE:
Bad news, buddy.
8
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,552
Running's the easy part.
Did you have
9
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:19,887
to deal with someone
going around school,
10
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,190
tearing down
your campaign posters?
11
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,257
Did you tell your
teacher about it?
12
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:26,227
Yes, but she's in cahoots
with my opponent.
13
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,995
It's a sham election, Emily.
14
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,264
This is how
democracies crumble.
15
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,532
Oh, it can't be
that bad, can it?
16
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,334
That's what they said
about the Bolsheviks.
17
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:34,535
DALE:
Look, buddy, it
seems unfair,
18
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,338
but in politics,
you got to be tough.
19
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,173
Sometimes people don't like you.
20
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,242
Did you see those
protesters outside?
21
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,676
They hate me.
Come on,
22
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,078
they don't really hate you.
23
00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:45,413
One of their
signs said
24
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,248
"We Hate You, Mr. President."
25
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,785
But you're awesome.
26
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,458
You are not going
to beat Jessica.
27
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,727
She is so popular,
28
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,362
and her hair smells
like frosting.
29
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,864
Marigold, why aren't you
supporting your brother?
30
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,634
Because I don't like his stance
on touching my stuff.
31
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,803
But Jessica is a mouthpiece
for the establishment.
32
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,605
At least she didn't hand
out a 300-page manifesto.
33
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,507
It's called a Xanifesto.
EMILY:
Hey, where'd Skip go?
34
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,211
ALL (chanting):
Hey, Dale, more rail!
35
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,213
Hey, Dale,
more rail!
36
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,215
SKIP:
Hey, Dale...
37
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,317
Hey, Dale, more rail.
38
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:24,418
Hey, Dale...
39
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:29,623
* Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.
40
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,571
You don't think
Xander's teacher
41
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,838
is actually taking sides,
do you?
42
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,241
I hope not, and Xander
does exaggerate.
43
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:51,279
He accused his math teacher
of habeas corpus violations.
44
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,481
I am going to check in at
the school just to make sure.
45
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,250
Honey, I don't want us
to be helicopter parents.
46
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,985
Although we do have
access to a helicopter.
47
00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:00,988
I just think it's okay
to exercise a little restraint
48
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,357
so the kids learn to figure out
stuff on their own.
49
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,025
Well, that's easy
for you to say.
50
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,195
He's always been your son.
You don't get how much
51
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,629
stepparents have
to step things up
52
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,331
to get acceptance
from their stepkids.
53
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,366
This could be a step
in the right direction.
54
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,468
One too many?
Is that
55
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,469
what this is about, honey?
56
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,137
Because the kids love you.
57
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,372
Well, I've got
Skip locked down.
58
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:21,642
Marigold--
I'm cautiously optimistic.
59
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,344
Becca is my white whale.
60
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,447
But with Xander, I feel
like I'm close to something.
61
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,115
He needs to know
I have his back.
62
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,183
All right, just
63
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,150
keep your cool.
64
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,219
What does that mean?
65
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,553
Well, I think
you have
66
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,323
a tendency to go overboard
sometimes.
67
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,324
I know,
68
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,492
I love that about me.
69
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,229
ALL: Hey, hey, ho, ho,
Dale Gilchrist has got to go!
70
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:45,065
SKIP: Hey, hey, ho, ho, Dale
Gilchrist is doing his best.
71
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,967
Hey, Skip
Gilchrist is here.
72
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,203
(scoffs)
I wish.
73
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,705
(sighs)
Why did I wear a wig
74
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:54,242
that looks like my normal hair?
75
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,909
Protesters,
76
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,379
I took this form
to walk among you.
77
00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:01,181
I could no longer listen
to you slander my father.
78
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,683
He's a good man.
79
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,852
He's killing
the environment, Skip.
80
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,186
And you know why?
81
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,655
He's in bed
with the auto industry.
82
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,989
PROTESTERS:
Yeah.
83
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,992
Oh, really?
'Cause last time I checked,
84
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,894
he was in bed
with my hot stepmom.
85
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,563
Well, then, why do his
transportation policies
86
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,665
heavily favor
road projects
87
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,667
over mass transit?
Yeah.
88
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:23,170
They do?
Yeah.
89
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,905
SECRET SERVICE AGENT:
Ma'am,
90
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:27,275
is there a name I should
clear for security?
91
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,176
Oh, yeah, I'm going to have
a few; just give me a sec.
92
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,611
I'm inviting a bunch
of friends over
93
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,912
while I hide
from the press.
94
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,381
Hi, it's Becca.
95
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,582
Yeah, I was wondering
if maybe you wanted
96
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,183
to come over and hang...
97
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,720
Oh, grad school
in Boston.
98
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,855
Oh, that's so cool.
99
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,056
Good for you.
100
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,593
M.I.T.
101
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,361
Paris.
A tank?
102
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:49,430
Oh, a think tank.
103
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,431
Wow.
104
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,634
Tenure-- that was fast.
105
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,968
A think tank?
106
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,637
Oh, a tank tank.
107
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,771
Thank you for your service.
108
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,273
Me?
Oh, you know,
109
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:02,810
just setting stuff up
and knocking it down.
110
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,845
(phone beeps off)
111
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,116
So, no names
112
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,318
to clear?
113
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,952
(quietly):
No.
114
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,423
EMILY:
Thank you
115
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,790
for meeting with me,
Mrs. Stitchcomb.
116
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,091
Just so we're clear,
117
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,259
I never give anyone
any special treatment.
118
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,661
Oh, no, of
course not.
119
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,596
We expect to be treated
like everyone else.
120
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,432
I mean, I didn't even vote
for your husband.
121
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,799
I don't know
how that's relevant,
122
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,335
but the important thing is,
you voted.
123
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,303
I donated a lot of money
to his opponent.
124
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,238
Anyway, I am here
to talk about Xander.
125
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,106
If you're going to ask
if Jessica is responsible
126
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:36,076
for tearing down his posters,
that's wild speculation.
127
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,745
We would never do
anything like that.
128
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,846
I'm sorry, did you say "we"?
129
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,247
I'm helping her
with her campaign.
130
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:44,818
Well, I'm just wondering,
is that fair?
131
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,286
Xander has
an unfair advantage.
132
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,456
You're a political consultant
133
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:49,957
and your husband
is "president."
134
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,359
He really is
the president,
135
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,627
so there's no need
for air quotes.
136
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,429
Well, until he limits
my freedom of speech,
137
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,598
I'll continue to "use them."
138
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,501
Thank you for your time.
139
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,306
(Jessica giggling)
140
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,215
You want to win this thing?
141
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,283
Yeah.
142
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,718
Good, because you're either
143
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,720
leaving here
as president or in a body bag.
144
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,690
I feel like I went too far.
145
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,024
I liked it.
146
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,693
ALL:
Dale pollutes the air!
147
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,795
Dale pollutes the air,
Dale pollutes the air!
148
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,296
You've got
to be kidding me.
149
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,732
Dale pollutes the air,
Dale pollutes the air!
150
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,467
Hey, look, everybody,
151
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:36,069
it's White House Press
Secretary Marshall Malloy,
152
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,805
and he brought us snacks.
153
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,306
That's my lunch.
154
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,208
What are you
doing out here?
155
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:42,410
Making sure my future
half-Asian child
156
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,977
never says,
"Daddy, remember trees?"
157
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,380
Do you even know what
you're protesting about?
158
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:47,748
Yes, I do.
159
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,650
My dad is awesome
in a lot of ways,
160
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,218
but he is way less awesome
161
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:55,088
when it comes to forward-leaning
transportation policies.
162
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,757
Do you know how
stressful my job is?
163
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,059
I can't physically
grow a goatee anymore,
164
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:02,195
so please come inside
before you make a scene.
165
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,998
PROTESTERS:
Dale pollutes the air!
166
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:05,999
Okay.
167
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,035
Thank you.
Dale pollutes the air!
168
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,871
I am going to go present
our demands
169
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,173
to the president
of the United States!
170
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,042
(protesters cheering)
171
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:18,612
I'm also gonna get a sandwich
'cause this is awful!
172
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,380
PROTESTERS:
Dale pollutes the air!
173
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,955
And tomorrow the candidates
for office will face off
174
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,524
at a noon rally.
175
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:31,525
This just in:
176
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,927
Wednesday is pizza day.
177
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,929
I'm still at the school
helping Xander.
178
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:39,533
(phones ringing)
No, I am not going overboard.
179
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,069
All right, I
love you, too.
180
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,771
All right, war room,
181
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,372
first order of business:
we need to change the name
182
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,807
of the campaign committee.
183
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,041
What's wrong
with the Xander Men?
184
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,544
How about just the X-Men?
185
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,379
I can't believe
we didn't think of that.
It was right there.
186
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,281
These are our
voting blocks.
187
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,949
The key for us is going
to be the A/V club.
188
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,251
Control the media,
control the message.
189
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,987
I'm not really good
at talking to children.
190
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,755
Xander, you're going
to have to get
191
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:04,391
out of your comfort zone and go
out and talk to your classmates
192
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,559
'cause the competitor
is out there getting
193
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,894
the boys to
vote for her
194
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,228
by showing them her bra strap.
195
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,897
Isn't that right, Sam?
196
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,898
Dude!
Okay,
197
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,933
now let's hear
this speech you wrote.
198
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:18,138
We are under the tyranny of
a collectivist education system.
199
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,641
All right, I'm just going
to have to stop you right there.
200
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:23,243
Maybe we start warmer
201
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,912
with something like,
202
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,348
"Friends of Darby Prep,
I stand before you
203
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,983
not as a political candidate
204
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:33,921
but as a concerned student."
205
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,456
Hmm, you think
that'll work?
206
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:41,094
I can't believe how great
everybody's doing.
207
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,532
Why didn't I make
more loser friends?
208
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:48,301
Oh, my God, I'm their
loser friend, aren't I?
209
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,672
This is bananas.
210
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,841
I should be heading off
to Yale Law,
211
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,108
but I had to defer
212
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,778
because my uterus is
a matter of national gossip.
213
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,179
I think the point is,
214
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,448
if I weren't pregnant
right now, I would be, like...
215
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,851
(clicks tongue)
...just killing it,
216
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,452
you know, life-wise.
217
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,620
(exhales quietly)
Wow.
218
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,021
I got to tell you,
it feels really good
219
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,990
to just get this off my chest.
220
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,792
It is kind of weird
that you have
221
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,494
to just stand there
and listen to me.
222
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:15,629
Yes, ma'am.
223
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,731
I mean, it's kind of
your job to just...
224
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,767
listen to me.
225
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,336
Thank you
for this caucus.
226
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,405
Mmm, this is not a caucus,
and I only have a few minutes.
227
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,740
I'll keep this caucus brief.
228
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,709
So, I was speaking
to the protesters outside,
229
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,210
and according to them,
230
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,713
"The president's budget
is a train robbery
231
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,648
because it robs
from mass transit,"
232
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,316
which is both
a clever play on words
233
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,485
and something
I agree with.
Skip,
234
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,221
yes, we want to invest
in public transit.
235
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,592
But as we do, we can't let
our roads crumble, can we?
236
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,561
No.
237
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,329
No, that would be
so awful.
238
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,364
I appreciate
their cause, but
239
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:54,301
as president, I need to
look at the big picture.
240
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,337
Boom, mind blown.
241
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,039
Thank you for setting me
straight, Dad.
242
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,608
No problem.
243
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,210
I'm just glad to see you
take an interest in my work.
244
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,512
You know, we can have
chats like this anytime.
245
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,615
I'd like that.
246
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:13,520
P.S., I said a lot of crazy--
some might say vicious--
247
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,290
things about you out there,
and I'm so sorry.
248
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,859
Apology accepted.
249
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,461
I would just steer clear
of YouTube for a week,
250
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,964
you know, just avoid
Top Videos and stuff.
251
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,768
I mean, I had a plan.
252
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,137
Law school,
then an appellate clerkship,
253
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,404
then a Supreme
Court clerkship,
254
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,373
then two years
at a big law firm
255
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,642
or the Justice
Department,
256
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,143
then maybe I take a run
257
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,577
at Dad's old congressional seat,
you know,
258
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:38,646
depending on the
political climate
259
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,080
in Nevada at the
time, of course.
260
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,649
I mean, I can't
predict everything.
261
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,483
But then...
(imitates explosion)
262
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,787
And the only reason that I
am pregnant is because I had
263
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,589
one dumb fling after
my boyfriend dumped me.
264
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:52,125
You know, I really thought
we might get back together.
265
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,593
I mean, once you go
press secretary,
266
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,062
you never go back, am I right?
267
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,496
(laughs)
Oh, my...
268
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,498
Now I've said too much.
269
00:09:58,531 --> 00:09:59,967
You won't tell
anyone, will you?
270
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,401
No, I won't.
271
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,469
That's right.
272
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:03,671
It's the Secret Service.
273
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,805
Becca, my shift is up,
274
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,406
so I'm gonna head out.
275
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,408
(sighs)
Is that our time?
276
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:12,846
Wow, feel like we really
made good progress today.
277
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,148
Do you really think that you
are going to be president?
278
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,984
XANDER:
Heck, yes.
279
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,518
The A/V club--
280
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,420
they're doing
a puff piece.
281
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,422
This is a real setback
for us.
282
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,456
What is your
favorite color?
283
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:24,457
(Xander speaks indistinctly)
284
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,694
REPORTER:
Orange, and why?
285
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,696
Hey, Marigold,
what's up?
286
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:31,598
Good-- nothing.
287
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,334
Hey, Jessica,
you're talking to me.
288
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,535
Of course I am, silly.
289
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,270
Why wouldn't I?
290
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:40,273
So, it seems like your brother
is starting to kick my butt.
291
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:43,010
Yeah, he's small but crafty.
292
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,611
I just wish I
knew what else
293
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,948
Xander had planned
for his campaign.
294
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,217
(chuckles)
Yeah.
295
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,152
You probably
know, right?
296
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:55,122
I mean, you guys live
in the same house.
297
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,157
Oh, no, he is way too paranoid
298
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,626
to keep any of that stuff
laying around.
299
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,695
It's probably all buried
in his locker somewhere.
300
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,234
Marigold, you're a real friend.
301
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,670
(whispering):
Frosting.
302
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:11,705
PROTESTERS:
Dale failed, Dale failed...
303
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,140
Excuse me.
304
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,842
Excuse me. Hi there.
305
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,810
So sorry
to interrupt the D-circle.
306
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,179
So, I successfully met
with the president.
307
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,514
All right!
Yes, yes, thank you
for that applause.
308
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,250
The president will not
meet your demands.
309
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,552
Nor should he,
for several reasons
310
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,020
that I did not write down.
311
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,756
But the important
thing is,
312
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,324
you were all personally denied
313
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,693
by the president
of the United States.
314
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,997
Did you even ask your dad why
he's defunding light rail?
315
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,331
What about trolleys?
316
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,568
What about trolleys?
317
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,739
How was your day?
Oh, you know.
318
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,875
America.
Mm.
319
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,609
How was yours?
320
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,378
Quiet.
321
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,881
I ran a focus group of
tweens for Xander's campaign
322
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:57,417
and organized a tiny
rapid response operation.
323
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,619
I may have gone a
little overboard.
324
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:07,427
I'm pretty proud of my own
325
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,562
little parenting
victory with Skip.
Oh, yeah?
326
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,865
It's not often that I feel
like I get through to him.
327
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:14,467
But I think
I really did this time.
328
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:18,505
Tomorrow we rise!
329
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,078
So, any plans for today?
330
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,080
I think I might just
stay in again.
331
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:29,149
I've been hanging with
Sandy, my lead agent.
332
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,218
You guys getting close?
Well, sort of.
333
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,386
I mean, she hardly says
anything, but I'm sure
334
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,322
that she's, you know,
bound by some rules
335
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,490
that say they have to stay
professional or something.
336
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,959
I'm super-close with my guy.
337
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,660
We talk all day.
338
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,462
Pete's one of my best pals.
339
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,665
The other day, he told this joke
about a rabbi and a priest.
340
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,067
Or two priests...
I don't remember.
341
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,635
But the number was important
to the joke.
342
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:52,072
So she's choosing
not to talk to me?
343
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,274
You got to check out this
sandwich that he ate yesterday.
344
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,010
Pete. (laughs) Ooh.
345
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,146
(guitar strumming upbeat tune)
346
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:02,749
* The future's at stake
and that's why we're fussin' *
347
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,453
* For trains and bikeways
and some natural gas bussin' *
348
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:10,123
* So get on up
off your fannies *
349
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:14,094
* We're America's
mass trannies. *
350
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,163
(plays flourish, song ends)
351
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,630
(applause)
352
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,332
Thank you.
Thank you.
353
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,134
Kyle and I wrote that
for all of you.
354
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,802
For the struggle.
(loud, deep horn honks)
355
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,771
Yeah, we should move
for the street sweeper.
356
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,640
Wait. Hold up. Hold up.
Maxie, Sammie, Diego, hang on.
357
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,543
Are we going to let
government take away our right
358
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,345
to peacefully assemble?
359
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:34,314
No. Not today.
360
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,316
It's just Fridays,
noon to 2:00.
361
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,650
It's not
a big deal.
362
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:41,821
You shall not pass!
363
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:46,126
(horn toots)
364
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,196
Hey, just one more
thing for the brief.
365
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:52,732
MAN (over TV):
...the street sweeper
outside the White House.
366
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,301
Is that Skip?
He appears to be stopping
367
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,969
the sweeper from cleaning
our Capitol streets.
368
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,670
I don't know
if that's a statement...
369
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,039
MARSHALL:
Skip is
370
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,141
absolutely, totally...
371
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:05,812
a great guy who just cares
too much, is his problem.
372
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,981
Screw it. Let's
bring 'em all inside.
373
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,883
(phones ringing)
374
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:13,720
(drumming continues)
375
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:17,424
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Students, please settle down so
our candidate forum can begin.
376
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,526
You ready for this?
377
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,194
Yeah. Am I?
378
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,030
Yeah!
379
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,565
And now we'll, uh, hear a speech
from our first candidate,
380
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:28,201
Jessica Simons.
381
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,904
(applause)
382
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,439
Friends of Darby Prep,
I stand before you...
383
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,407
Listen, I just want to thank...
384
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,343
...not as a
political candidate,
385
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,278
but as a concerned student.
386
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,047
What's happening?
387
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,781
She stole my speech!
388
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,350
How did she even get it?
389
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,218
We need someone
to effectively convey our needs
390
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,619
to Principal Hoopley.
391
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,856
(indistinct,
overlapping chatter)
392
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,891
Marshall, fix your face.
393
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,793
So much
dirty flannel.
394
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,728
All right, please. Please.
395
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,097
(chatter continues)
396
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:58,531
Please.
(chatter stops)
397
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,533
Thank you. Welcome
to the White House.
398
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,070
Thank you very much
for this caucus, Father.
399
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,471
Still not a caucus.
400
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,106
So, what can
I do for you?
401
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,640
MAN:
Mr. President, we need
402
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:10,043
more investment
in mass transportation.
403
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,445
Specifically, high-speed rail,
which is our top priority.
404
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,447
Mark makes a hell of a point.
405
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,916
Hell of a point, Mark.
Fast trains.
406
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,552
Trains so fast,
the world passes by in a blur,
407
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,254
and boom, you're in Kansas,
408
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,589
and you've never
been there before.
409
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,057
That's our top priority?
410
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,426
What about light rail?
Trolleys, man.
411
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:27,794
Oh, God, enough
with the trolleys, Carol.
412
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,229
Some internal
dissent here.
413
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,064
We should be talking
about clean energy.
414
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,665
Solar. Wind.
415
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,601
Soybeans.
Like edamame.
416
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,137
We've had edamame.
(overlapping chatter)
417
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,671
I'm the spokesman.
418
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:42,809
It's like a marketplace
of ideas, really.
419
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,311
Believe it or not,
420
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,946
this is actually not
my worst meeting today.
421
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,649
So, on your ballot, remember,
422
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,019
"X" marks the spot
for... Jessica.
423
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,521
(applause)
424
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,823
She didn't even
change the ending.
This is just wrong.
425
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,625
You don't have
to go up there, Xander.
426
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,360
Let's tell the principal
what she did.
427
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:03,630
No, I'm giving a speech.
But you don't have your speech.
428
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,698
Actually, I don't
have your speech.
429
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,335
But I need to be
tough, like Dad said.
430
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:09,869
I'll figure something out.
431
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,938
You're right.
You got this.
432
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,406
All I need is...
433
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,851
Jessica,
thanks for those rousing words.
434
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,886
Sounds like
435
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,521
someone got a grown-up
to write her speech.
436
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,857
(laughter)
437
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,859
But we don't need them
to tell us what to think,
438
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,994
or what to say, do we?
439
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,396
(all voicing assent)
440
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,032
I know this, because yesterday,
thanks to some
441
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,534
good advice, I did
something I never do.
442
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,903
I talked to some of you.
443
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:47,240
April Patterson is
a hall monitor.
444
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,309
She just wants
a new sash
445
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,379
and for people to stop
throwing things at her.
446
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:55,048
Cody Jones is an average
sixth grader.
447
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:56,649
All he wants
is for someone
448
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,319
to explain to him the
appeal of French kissing.
449
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,853
And most of you
want our school
450
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,489
to have a soda machine.
451
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,091
The administration says no.
452
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:07,026
They say it's not healthy.
453
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,696
But we need to learn
to make choices for ourselves.
454
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,565
What is this, Leningrad?
455
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:13,933
(crowd murmuring)
456
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,002
We know soda is bad for us.
457
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:20,507
It's liquid poison turning us
into a nation of sad fatsos.
458
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,676
So we don't want a soda machine.
459
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,512
We want what it represents:
460
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,249
a proxy
of individual responsibility.
461
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,018
Do we not want this proxy?
462
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:37,224
He's saying
we should have a soda machine.
463
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,359
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
464
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,462
CROWD:
Soda! Soda! Soda...!
465
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,431
I will get you a soda machine!
466
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,866
Today we rise!
467
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,368
(cheering, chanting continues)
468
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:52,939
CROWD (chanting):
Soda! Soda! Soda! Soda!
469
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:59,011
Mmm.
470
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,950
Well, I'm glad
we've all calmed down.
471
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:06,153
You can thank
the hot cocoa.
472
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,455
It's not important
whose idea that was.
473
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:12,459
Look, I appreciate your passion
and your patriotism,
474
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:15,462
and I'm going to keep fighting
for more mass transit,
475
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,630
and I want you
to keep pushing me, okay?
476
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,232
Because I can take it.
477
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,769
Some of those signs
are pretty clever.
(laughter)
478
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:25,071
People looking past
their differences,
479
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,973
discovering
we're all human.
480
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:29,075
We're all human.
481
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:33,146
President Gilchrist,
shake hands with America.
482
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,814
Ah.
483
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,916
(laughs)
Great.
484
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,951
Well, thanks for coming,
everybody. I appreciate it.
485
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,353
Thank you guys.
486
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:41,988
Sir, I don't mean
to alarm you,
487
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,923
but word got out
about this little caucus.
488
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,626
Marshall, it's not a caucus.
Whatever you want
to call it,
489
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,296
there are 10,000 people outside
demanding a meeting with you.
490
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:52,031
Right. That's why
we don't do this.
491
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,966
That's a lot of people.
492
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,169
I don't know how the hell you're
gonna shake all those hands.
493
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,106
Not cool, Sandy.
494
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,175
Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am?
495
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,610
I was spilling my guts to you,
496
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,179
and you just sat there
in silence.
497
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:10,116
Like that! I thought it was
some kind of rule, but it's not.
498
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,051
Why didn't you want
to talk to me?
499
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,453
With all due respect,
500
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,054
while you were complaining,
501
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:18,625
all I could think was,
wow, what awesome problems.
502
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,893
You're a brilliant,
beautiful, 22-year-old girl
503
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:22,329
who's going to do
amazing things.
504
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:23,863
And yeah, you're pregnant,
505
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,532
but you're gonna make
that work, too, and
506
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,133
I'm 37 and single.
507
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,135
It's probably not
gonna happen for me,
508
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,638
because men find
me intimidating.
509
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,873
But really, I'm just a strong,
510
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,542
confident,
broad-shouldered,
511
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,644
statuesque, heterosexual woman
512
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,214
who's looking for a
man who can handle it.
513
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:42,181
Wow.
514
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,750
Yeah, wow.
515
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,151
I get it.
516
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,253
Thanks, Sandy.
517
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,655
You're welcome.
518
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,858
Do you ever think about maybe
wearing your hair down?
519
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,393
Do you think
that would help?
520
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,094
It might.
521
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,863
Awesome speech.
522
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,765
Why'd you tell them about
the French kissing thing?
523
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,367
Great speech, Xander.
524
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,768
I'm so proud of you.
525
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,203
You're embarrassing me, Mom!
526
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,176
He's never called
me Mom before.
527
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,178
Yeah.
528
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,747
My ex-husband left me
for a man.
529
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,185
(glasses clink)
530
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,355
I guess you have this
to thank for your victory.
531
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,691
Congrats, son.
532
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,026
Thanks, Dad.
533
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,429
So, how was your day?
534
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,799
Mm, people don't understand
the pressures of the job.
535
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,734
The competing interests.
536
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,536
You try to be honest,
but the voters just hear
537
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,937
what they want to hear.
538
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,373
Heavy is the head
that wears the crown.
539
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,574
Ain't that the truth.
540
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,376
President Gilchrist?
541
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,412
Yes?
Yes?
542
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,479
It's bedtime.
543
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,948
Good night, son.
544
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,330
We received a tip
that implicates Jessica Simons
545
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:05,898
in the break-in
of Xander Gilchrist's locker.
546
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,468
Footage of the break-in
was captured
547
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:10,603
by the school's
security cameras.
548
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:14,341
We have reason to believe
549
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:16,809
that Simons stole
Gilchrist's speech.
550
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:22,315
It is A/V Club's policy not
to reveal our sources,
551
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:25,652
so the informant's identity
may never be known.
552
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,120
More as this story develops.
39894
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