All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S28E04 Death Spa 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

["Joe Bob is Back in Town"by
Joe Bob & The Lone Stars plays]

-♪ Hey everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in
hangin' around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies
so come on down to ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun
with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪
-It's gonna be legendary!

-♪ Joe Bob's Last
Drive-In show ♪

-It's gonna be very scary!

-♪ Joe Bob's Last
Drive-In show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

[Guitar plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Guitar plays]

-Okay, Darcy, I'm ready to
feel the burn, no pain, no gain.

Sweat with the oldies.
Let's get physical.

Just do it,
pump me up, move it or lose it,

get in the groove,
hustle for muscle, shape it up.

Be it. Get fit.
Get thin and win.

Turn fat into fit.

Work it out to work it off.
[Laughter]

Never too late
to lose that weight.

Aerobicize me, baby.

Have I left out
any 80s fitness slogans?

-I feel like you nailed it.
-All right.

Thanks for getting into
the spirit of the evening.

You look 1985 sizzlin' hot.
-Whoo. Thank you.

-And as you can see,
I acquired this

groovy fitness trainers outfit

from a decommissioned
Coast Guard base on Lake Erie.

And, uh, happy Mother's Day,
by the way.

-Aw. Thank you.
-It's Mother's Day weekend.

And we'll have a lot
of mothers watching

who did the "Jane Fonda Workout"
way before your time.

But that was the first big VHS
workout tape starting in 1982.

She sold 17 million videos.

-Wow.
-And, uh, you know what?

Her butt,
if I recall correctly,

was not large.

[Insects chirping, laughter]

In fact,
they used to say in the gym,

don't use the Stairmaster,

you'll get Stairmaster Butt.

But then they had to change
workouts over the last 20 years

to balloon those glutei.

-Those glutei?
-Yeah.

Gluteuses maximuses.

And more properly,
though, glutei maximi.

Build up those butt muscles,
you know,

Charles Barkley,
amplify the bewtocks.

They even have
bewtock injections

if you can't bulk
your butt in the gym.

-I feel like it's
a personal choice.

-Well, yeah, and the personal
choice is blow that thing up

like you're a balloon in
the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

That's what you do.
-[Chuckles]

All butts are beautiful.

-You're such a diplomat

when we talk about the body.

They should put that
in the United Nations

Declaration of Human Rights.

"All butts are beautiful."
-Agreed.

Yes.
-Alright, so, tonight,

we're celebrating
the fascinating subgenre

of fitness horror.

And no, I don't mean
that movie "Perfect."

The nauseating fitness club
box office disaster starring

Jamie Lee Curtis
and John Travolta.

You know, we've already
had one health club

horror movie this season,
"The Toxic Avenger."

So, it's kind of
health club horror year

on "The Last Drive-In,"
because let's face it.

Anytime, there's something

that makes people feel good
about themselves,

horror writers come
along to make it into something

that makes people die.

Right?
-Right.

My aunt was in
"Killer Workout."

-Really?
-Yeah.

-So, you have fitness genes?
-Oh, yeah.

She was like, totally,
my hero because of that.

-Alright, "Killer Workout."

That's probably
the most famous of the movies

about horrors
in the Nautilus room,

but we like to go
for the lesser-known,

underrated, obscure title,
the one that didn't get

the credit it deserved
when it first came out.

And so, we're going
with "Death Spa."

-Yeah.

Did you actually do
the "Jane Fonda Workout"?

-No. Guys didn't do
the "Jane Fonda Workout."

We might do "Body by Jake"
or something,

but usually not even that.

But we did watch
the women's tapes.

Due to spandex.

Everything was pastel spandex.

-Oh. So, you had
a spandex fetish?

-Darcy, let's just not
go there, okay?

Guys watched workout tapes
designed for women.

-Gotcha.
-All right.

Raquel Welch had one
that was all thighs.

It should have been called "Get
a Load of These Thighs" workout,

you know, 'cause damn, oof.
[Laughter]

-They weren't all women, though.
What about Richard Simmons?

-Richard Simmons was
all about not being fat.

-I feel like
he was very inclusive.

-Well, that was about
Neil Sedaka records

and stuff like that,
we didn't watch them.

Anyway, you may remember this,

but Jane Fonda had to apologize
for her original exercise tape.

In the 90s, she went, "Whoops,

I'm sorry I was giving
you the wrong advice."

Because she used to say,
"Do it till your stomach burns."

And the American Medical
Association got on her toned ass

and said people were
burning up their stomachs.

And she went low impact.

Jane went low impact in the 90s.

I remember she went on
the "Larry King Show"

and held hands with Ted Turner
and talked about her 90s video,

which was low impact,
take it easy,

don't burn yourself up.

I almost expected her to say,
"And one more thing,

North Vietnam is full
of Commie slime dogs."

But anyway, I could
have told her a decade earlier

when I was advocating
the use of the Abdomenizer

on my Movie Channel show,

'cause remember
the Abdomenizer?

Home fitness in the 80s,

all you really needed
was two things,

both available
on 800-number infomercials.

One -- One was the Abdomenizer,

which is a piece
of cheap plastic

that allowed you to do
crunches without pain,

and you could also use it
as a snow sled.

And the other was the
Chuck Norris Total Gym,

which you could slide
out from under your bed

and attach all
these strappy things to it

while you're watching TV and go,
"Okay, that's enough for today."

And, uh, because what -- what do
people want in an exercise plan?

-Oh, you're asking me. I --

-Well, yeah, yeah,
'cause you're the --

you are the queen
of exercise, Darcy.

-They want to feel good?

-They want something that
does not feel like exercise.

-True.
That is really hard to do.

-Well, you're a warrior, though.

You -- You can be leaving
the hotel, and you'll say,

"Hey, we have 5 minutes
before the car gets here.

I, you know, I'm gonna stop
in the gym and do leg lifts."

-Shut up.
You're calling me out, man.

-Most people say, "Well,
we've only got 5 minutes.

Guess I can't work out."

You know, and you and
Kane Hodder are the only people

I know who do that.

-I don't want to waste time.

-Well, but you don't
mind the burn,

'cause how much do people --
most people --

want to hurt
when they're exercising?

-You know, I feel like,
a lot of people think

that they have to actually
feel pain or it's not working.

-People don't want to hurt,
Darcy,

when they're exercising.

-No pain, no gain.
-All right.

How much time a day
do people really want to spend

riding bikes
and lifting weights

and rearranging their hemoglobin

on the jogging track
and all that.

-It doesn't take
that much time.

-Zero.
[Laughter]

That's how much time
they want to spend.

But that is now possible.

You know how doctors say that if
you want to be physically fit,

you need to work out three times
a week, 20 minutes each time?

Who has that kind of discipline
and self control?

-[Laughs] Most people.
-Zero people have that.

That's why I created the "Joe
Bob Briggs 5-second Workout,"

which I'm going to demonstrate
in just a moment here.

But first, I understand
you have gone to great lengths

to recreate the magic
of the 80s workout,

and you've designed an actual
"Last Drive-In Workout"

that people can record
and use at home

for the rest
of their fitness lives.

-Oh, I-I didn't design it,

but we're going to do
a little aerobic dancing.

For sure.
-Alright, well,

while you're doing
that aerobic dancing,

I'll be demonstrating the "Joe
Bob Briggs 5-second Workout."

We'll see who wins.
-Alright. Alright, go ahead.

-Oh, I'm not going to do
it right now.

I'm gonna build suspense and
reveal it at the first break.

Um, and is that when the aerobic
team is going to come out?

-We're ready.
-Okay.

"Death Spa."
-Yeah.

-This is the movie
that asks the question.

What would happen
if your paraplegic ex-wife

came back from the dead,
took over the body

of your computer-nerd
brother-in-law

and started killing
everybody in your health club

that wears chartreuse
Danskin leotards,

and has breasts larger
than tangerines?"

In fact, what if she messed
with the pool chlorine supply

and turned up
the tanning light real high

and set the resistance level
on the Nautilus so heavy

that it rips people's ribs
out of the sides of their body.

As you can see here,
we've got the kind of messy

Southern California breakup

that not even Raoul Felder
can save you from.

William Bumiller is
the jock health-spa owner

trying to figure out
why his dead wife,

Shari Shattuck,
keeps appearing in his dreams

and telling him to kill himself,
so, she can have him again.

And Brenda Bakke
is his new girlfriend

who would just as soon
put some yarn on her ankles

and "Flashdance"
through the studio like normal.

But she keeps getting zapped
by haunted saunas

and bloody locker rooms and --
most frightening of all --

flying bathroom tiles
in the girls' shower.

And you know what
the worst part of it is?

All these people dying
in the health club,

and the police
hanging around all the time,

means they might
have to call off

the Mardi Gras party this year.

Sure we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with a romantic scene featuring

a long stick of asparagus?

[Laughter]
I think not.

Let's look at those "Drive-In"
totals and get started.

We have 18 breasts,
11 dead bodies,

1 dead baby bird,
3 exploding heads,

1 neck-eating frozen fish,

pus spewing eye sockets,
self immolation,

1 revolver backfire
with exploding hand,

paranormal investigator
flinging,

1 nekkid steam-room scene,
necessary to the plot.

1 nekkid group-shower scene,
necessary to the plot.

Special hand in a blender scene
that goes on forever,

rib cage arm ripping,
dramatic window shattering,

neck drilling, seductive
asparagus spear nibbling,

acid bath bimbo face,
heads roll, arms roll,

gratuitous aerobic dancing,
gratuitous weightlifting,

gratuitous explanation of
psychometry,

sauna fu, burning wheelchair fu,
nautilus fu, mirror fu,

tanning parlor fu, with
grotesque bikini lines,

diving board fu, shower tile fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations for Frank McCarthy

as a cop for saying,
"This accident nearly dissolved

that girl like an Alka-Seltzer."

Um, James Bartruff
and Mitch Paradise for writing

the line,
"To tell you the truth, Michael,

this place could use
better maintenance."

William Bumiller
for calming down the girls

who were terrified
by flying shower tiles

by giving them free 3-month
extensions on their memberships.

And Shari Shattuck
as the jealous ex-wife ghost

in a negligee for having
spirit-sex with her brother

and saying, "Welcome
to my party -- Careful!

One flick of the button,
and she's fried chicken."

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

-Check it out.
[Laughter]

-Of all the aerobics babes
in the 80s,

the one I remember best is,
uh, Denise Austin.

And you know why? You come
in at 5:30 in the morning.

You're wasted. You're nauseous.
Your head is throbbing.

You think, "I'm gonna check
the baseball highlights on ESPN

before I pass out."

And there she is.

Bouncing around on the beach,
being perky.

Who was it at ESPN
management who said,

"You know, we should have
a blonde fitness cutie bouncing

around the beach at 5:00 a.m."

And you know what's even worse?
You work all night.

You know what time it is.

ESPN is kind of on
in the background.

And suddenly, "Let's get
that blood circulating."

And you're like, "Oh, my God.

It's morning. The sun's up.

Denise fucking Austin
is going to keep squeaking at me

until I turn it off."

You know, the night is over.

She was like this constant
neon sign blinking at you,

saying, "You're a loser."

She was the happiest
goddamn person in the universe.

5:00 a.m.

That was cruel,
cruel programming.

-She's great.

-Cruel, Darcy.
[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Car engine starts]

[Engine revving]

[Horn toots]

[People chattering in distance]

[Engine starts]

[Thunder rumbling]

-Wasn't that something?
-That was great.

-Great class.
-Yeah.

-See ya.
-Okay. Goodnight, Amber.

-Bye.
-Bye.

[Engines start,
car doors close]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder crashes,
sparks zapping]

[Otherworldly choir sings]

[Creepy music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creepy music continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Musical suspense builds]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic drumbeat pounding]

[Creepy music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creepy music continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Music stops]

-Oh, God, Marvin.
[Chuckles in relief]

-Don't do that. [Sighs]
-[Thunder rumbling]

-Come on.

You're looking
like a pro, Laura.

-Mm, well, I'll settle
for the workout.

-You're the last one out.
Make sure you lock up.

-Okay.
-[Smooches]

-See ya.
-See you.

-Bye.

[Haunting wind hissing]

[Card reader beeps, opens]

[Haunting wind continues]

[Hinge creaks]

[Steam hissing, ominous music]

♪♪

[Calm music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Musical unease builds]

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

[Dramatic music]

[Laura breathing heavily]

[Shouts] Help!

Help! Help!

[Laura screams, whimpers]

Help! Help! [Whimpering]

Please, help!

Help! [Groans]

Help! Help!

Help! [Breathing heavily]

-[Laura shouts]
-[Glass shattering]

[Laura exhales]

[Steam hissing]

[Eerie music]

[Wind blowing, owl hoots]

[Wind chimes jingling]

-Here you are.

-Hey, Paulie.

Would you ever sign
one of them for us?

-Oh, come on, shake.

[Creature cries out]

-Get out, mateys!
-[Telephone ringing]

Get out while you can!

♪♪

[Engine revving]

♪♪

[Brakes squeak]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael and nurse
speak indistinctly]

[Bell dings]

-Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

[Surgeons chattering]

-Excuse me. Are you
looking for Laura Danvers?

I'm Dr. Southern.

-My name is Michael Evans.

I'm the owner of the health
club where Laura works,

where the accident happened.

[Intercom chatter]

-Fortunately, it's not
as bad as it looks.

But she has sustained burns
over portions of her body.

-Burns?
-Yes, chemical burns.

Chlorine vapor, to be exact.

It's low grade.

[Elevator dings]

[People chattering,
invigorating funk music]

-Merry Christmas
to you, killer.

[Invigorating funk music
continues]

-Come on, pull.

Push.

You did it.

♪♪

♪♪

-Never work without
a spotter, Freddie.

The weight falls on your chest,
and you can really get squashed.

-Oh.
-I'm gonna take

a bit of this off.

-Uh, that's cool. [Sniffs]

-This might be a little
bit much, Freddie.

-Us power lifters
like to pump real iron.

[Freddie grunting,
Marvin snickering]

-Hey, Marv,
thanks for checking out

the new diving board for me,
I really appreciate it.

-[Straining] Marv?

-Did you try it out yet?
-No, not yet.

I will later today.
-Be careful.

-It's too late!

[Freddie gasping]

Yeah, nice work, Marv.

Special isometric
crisis training.

-Freddie, why
don't you show Darla

some power lifting methods?

I think, you're the perfect
person to get her going.

-Hey, no problem.

So, where do you want to begin?

-Well, that depends.

-Well, let's try this one.
-[Bar clattering]

-I got it, Freddie. I got it.

[Ominous music]

-[Chuckles]

-I think, we should
help these people.

What do you say we
increase the resistance?

-[Laughs] I love it.

-What fun.

-[Laughing]

-Hm, now there's something
even I can't improve upon.

[Funky rock music]

-Can we see the manager?

-Hello. I'm Priscilla Wayne,
the manager.

Can I help you?
-Lieutenant Fletcher, LAPD.

-Detective Stone.

-We have an appointment
with Mr. Evans.

-Would you like
something to drink first?

-No, thanks.
-Yeah, coffee.

-All right.

Laura? One cup of
carob coffee, please.

[Funky rock music]

Here you are.
It's right this way.

-Quite an impressive, uh, layout
you have here, Ms. Wayne.

-It's a very
competitive business.

It's these extras
that bring in the clientele.

-And a little gassing
here and there?

Ooh!

You call this coffee?

-She was rescued
by city paramedics.

When they get called,
we get called.

-It was an accident.

-Yeah, but this accident
nearly dissolved a girl,

like an Alka-Seltzer.

-Are you marking any charges?
I'm Mr. Evans' attorney.

-Ms. Wayne
mentioned the computer.

It runs the spa?

-The computer helps
us run the spa.

The system
is unique to Starbody.

It controls all the
automatic functions.

-Who installed the computer?

-Mike, you don't have to
answer these questions.

-My programmer is
my brother-in-law,

my former brother-in-law,
David Avery.

-Where is he?

-Probably in the computer room.

-Can we take a look?

-Michael, how is Laura?

-Less than wonderful.

[Tom sighs]

-Who has access to
this command center?

-I do, and David and Priscilla,
but it's David's baby.

-What'd you mean by
former brother-in-law?

-My wife is dead.

-Good morning, Michael.
Sleep well?

-We have visitors, David.

-Lieutenant Fletcher, LAPD.

-Tell him what
you know about last night.

-I've been running
all the programs,

there's no breakdown anywhere.

-Could someone have, uh,
reprogrammed it temporarily?

-It's not impossible,
but you're looking

at the only someone
who knows the system well enough

not to leave muddy footprints.

-Well, that sort of narrows
it down to you, then,

doesn't it?
-[Chuckles]

Were I interested
in a life of crime,

it would be in
computer espionage,

electronic blackmail,
and credit card fraud.

Assaulting women isn't my style.

-Where were you last night
between 9:00 and 11:00?

-At home, hacking.
-Hacking?

-Hacking. Experimenting
with computer programs.

-Are you sure?

-These are the computer
printouts from last night.

You will notice the time,
date, and terminal number

on the upper left-hand corner
of each sheet.

Will that suffice?

-I'll check it out.

-I'd like those back
when you're done, Miss.

-Sergeant.

[Ominous music]

[Water splashing]

[Bolt squeaking]

[Diving board clattering,
bolt squeaking]

[Darla screaming]

-It just came off!
-The big board came loose!

-Somebody help!

There's been an accident!
Get in here quick!

-Darla!
-[Darla breathing heavily]

Thanks.

-The board.
-Are you all right?

-It just came loose,
s-s-sprung off.

It nearly hit me
on the way down.

-How does a goddamn diving
board just break loose?

Stone.

-Are you all right?
-[Darla whimpering]

-Look at me.

-Somebody messed
with the bolts.

-That's just speculation.

-You don't mind if we dust
for prints, do you, counselor?

-Sh, it's all right. It's okay.

[Whimpering continues]

[Dramatic music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door squeaks]

-A word, David.
-Can we keep it to that?

-You're here because
you know the system

and because you're
Catherine's brother.

-Both circumstances must
be terribly trying for you.

-If I thought for one moment

that you put chlorine
in the steam--

-You'd resort to the only
weapon in your pathetic arsenal,

jock violence.
-I think, there's a glitch

in your precious system.
-That's impossible.

-Why are you so full of hate?

-You found some comfort
for your sorrow, I noticed.

But then Laura was always
there for you, wasn't she?

She and others, huh?

-I loved Catherine.

-She never wanted that child.

-How do you get
things so twisted up?

-We shared thoughts
you'd never understand.

Twins, you know?

[Door opens, closes]

[Muffled workout music playing]

-I just heard about
the diving board.

What the hell is
going on around here?

-So, what do you think?

-I think, they oughta give
you a roll big enough

to hold the damn chili.
-No, about

the Starbody Health Spa.

-I think, they oughta
level the place.

-You think this Evans
guy is clean, hm?

-I don't know.

My money is on the wacko
in the computer room.

Oh.

-Well, I don't see David
clambering up there

and unbolting that board.

-This all could
be coincidental.

-It could be.

-37 deep.
-[Laughs] You got it.

Yeah!

-What quarter is it?

-That was the winning touchdown.
-Great.

Flea market special,
two for the price of one.

I could go back
and be Tweedledee

and you could be Tweedledum.

-Fantastic.
-Mm.

-I'm gonna check out
that diving board.

-Marv!

Thanks.

-Did you read the printout
on that Evans guy,

about his wife?

-Made the front page of
The Times.

She crisped herself.

-She was burned to
unrecognizable ashes.

Now, does that suggest
anything to you?

-Yeah.

I gotta tell my wife
to start smoking in bed.

[Engine starts]

[Coyotes howling in distance]

[Malevolent music]

[Flames crackling]

[Insects chirping]

[Static]

-That's Shari Shattuck
as the dead wife Caroline.

Atlanta model turned actress.

And as you can see, the movie
is just full of hot people,

including the dead ones.

The director said
he wanted to load it up

with babes and cheesecake,

and I do believe
he achieved that goal.

Uh, Brenda Bakke plays Laura,

who does a little flash dancing
there at the beginning,

and then, gets blinded
by a demonic sauna,

while she's full frontal.

Uh, the woman on the diving
board is Chelsea Field,

who broke out
as the warrior woman Teela

in "Masters of the Universe,"

and would go on to many
horror and non-horror roles,

including the assistant DA in
"NCIS: New Orleans."

Um, worked with Don Johnson

in "Harley Davidson
and the Marlboro Man."

Um, with Pamela Anderson
in "Snapdragon,"

with Bruce Willis
in "The Last Boy Scout."

She was just all over the place.

She was even
a "Solid Gold" dancer.

If anybody remembers
how big that was.

The manager of the club
is Alexa Hamilton,

and like most people
in the movie,

she was all over TV,
guesting on multiple series.

Anyway, as you can tell
by all the pastel neon lighting,

this movie just exudes 80s camp,

but it didn't really do that
well when it first came out.

It did better in Europe,
where it was released

under the title "Witch Bitch."

And I love the title
"Witch Bitch."

Uh, it's one of those movies
that gets conceived

at the height
of the slasher craze,

and then, doesn't get
made till years later,

when enthusiasm
for the slasher has died down.

But the first screenplay
was written in 1983.

It didn't go into production
until 1986,

and then, they took
a couple of years to edit it.

And so, the film
wasn't released until 1989,

um, mainly because the two
moneymen that were involved,

Walter Shenson and,
uh, Waleed B. Ali,

um, had other priorities,

and they were doing it more
or less as a lark.

Um, Walter Shenson
was a huge player.

Um, he had produced
"The Mouse That Roared,"

great Peter Sellers movie.

He -- He owned --

He owned both
of the Beatles movies.

He had launched, uh,
Dudley Moore's career.

And Waleed Ali
was the guy behind

"Henry: Portrait
of a Serial Killer."

He liked offbeat stuff.

He made a bunch of
JFK Assassination documentaries.

Um, but they had script problems
and they had to order rewrites,

and by the time
they got around to making it,

the fitness club craze
was sort of over.

It had been done many times
in the movies.

So, the movie kind of
dribbled out

with a very limited
theatrical release,

and then,
it went straight to VHS.

Okay, Darcy, do you want to see
the "Joe Bob 5-second Workout"?

-Yeah, I can't wait.
-Okay.

-All right.
-So, look.

-Okay.
-I turn it on.

Eh, it was working a while ago.
Here we go.

-Turn it on. There we go.
-[Vibration plate beeps]

And then, I get the, uh,
strength of it that I want.

Now, I'm going to put
my body on it.

-Okay. I feel like you're going
to have to explain this to us.

-Oh, I'm going to explain it.
-Okay.

-So, uh, this baby is a --

What?
-[Chuckles]

-I tell you what?
You know, you can stand on it.

You can also --
You can also sit on it.

Uh, so...
-Wow.

-[Laughs]
-This baby is a LifePro

Rumblex-Plus 4D Vibration Plate
Exercise Machine

with whole body
triple-motor oscillation, so...

-Uh, so, it's like
a muscle stimulator?

-Well, I don't know. I can --
I can step on it or sit on it.

All I have to do
is put my body on it.

Right now, it's working
my lower body.

[Laughter]

And adju -- adjust.
-I feel fit to looking at you.

-Yeah.
You adjust the intensity.

And the workout
comes to me, see?

-[Laughs]
-I like to do it this way.

I like to lie on my stomach,
actually,

but I can't talk to the camera
if I'm laying on my stomach,

so, I'll show you that later,
but that reduces the beer belly.

So, um...
-I-I think, it's more effective

if you do exercises
while you stand on it.

-Well, not necessarily,
'cause that's the beauty of it.

The LifePro Rumblex-Plus 4D

is like one of
those jiggle belts

from old black-and-white movies

where they would wrap it
around their waist

and it would shake off the flab.

-But those never really worked.

-Well, that's
because they were analog.

This baby is digitalized.

It's scientific.
It's like 10,000 Abdomenizers.

They're working on my body
all at the same time.

-Wow, I mean, Abdomenizers,

they never really work
that well, either.

-Well, well, what do you have?
You know?

-I have aerobic dancers from
the new movie "Slashercize,"

which is a tribute to
the 80s workout horror genre.

And we have special workout
music composed by John Brennan.

And while you're sitting
on your fancy metal plate,

we'll be rocking out
at the next break.

-Wow, okay.
[Laughter]

-I kind of like yours, though.
-Can I get into that with you?

-I mean, you don't need us.

You have this nifty
little device here.

-Well, I-I guess.
Alright, back to the movie.

Roll it.
[Laughter]

-I guess...
[Laughter continues]

[Voice vibrating] I-I guess...

That's your thing.

Your thing is kind of more in...
-Are you okay?

Are you okay?
Do you need to step away?

[Laughter continues]

Are you too okay?
-No, I'm great.

-Okay.
-All right.

But I think your idea is more...

Your idea is more in keeping

with the theme of the movie.

-You fucking think?

[Laughter]

-You know -- You know who else
has a killer workout tape?

-[Laughs]
-I was going to talk about this.

I didn't really
get to talk about it.

You know who else
had a killer workout tape

besides Jane Fonda in the 80s.
-Who?

Uh, Marla Maples.

You remember her?
-Yes.

-She was married to Trump
for like five 5 seconds --

5 seconds.

I-I remember --
I remember one line

from the Marla Maples workout.
-[Laughs]

-It stuck with me.
-Yeah, what's that?

-"Lift the heels
towards the ceiling."

That was the line.
-That's what you remember.

-Yeah, that's all
the words I remember,

but, you know, Marla goes into
her whole philosophy of life.

-And do you remember
her philosophy of life?

-Well, pretty much, "Lift
the heels towards the ceiling."

That was her philosophy of life.

-Alright, well...
-That's it.

-"Lift the heels
toward the ceiling," then.

-Yeah. Uh-huh.
-[Laughs]

-Oh, worth the 11 bucks.

[Laughter,
harmonica music plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Water splashing]

[Water splashing]

-Race you to the finish?

-You got it!

[Michael laughing]
-Ah!

Mike, I just figured out
what was bothering me

about Laura's accident.

When I left the club,

I know Laura was the only
one left in the place.

-So?
-Well, how did Priscilla

happen to find her?

-Maybe she was working
late and you missed her.

-Then I also missed her
car in the parking lot?

-You think Priscilla has
something to do with this?

-You know her better than I do.

♪♪

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Well, how many
reps can you do?

-Ah, 15 or 20.
More if I'm showing off.

-Well, why don't
you show off for me?

-I never waste
effort in the gym.

Besides I'm Beta, you're VHS.

-Hey!

Hop aboard! We're due
to make land in a week.

-Thanks. We're like two ships
that pass in the night.

-And in, and one, open it!

And one, bounce it out!

-Come on!
-[Dance music playing]

And one, let's go!

Come on now! Let's go!

Uh-huh!

All the way down!

Come on, stretch it out!

To the side, one.

And up!

Then back. Sit ups, here we go.

And up! And back!

Come on! Up and back.

-How about a veggie
shake, Rhonda?

-Sure. I mean, it's kind of
creepy and all.

On Monday, Laura gets gassed.

And on Tuesday,
the diving board collapses.

Oh, this thing.

[Blender whirring,
Rhonda screams]

-Oh, my God!

-[Laughs] Got ya!
It's just a tomato.

-That's sick.
-Here's your shake.

[Blender whirs]

-Uh, sorry, I lost my appetite.

-Back!

And scramble now, scramble!

Come on!

That's it! All right!

[Dance music plays]

Up in the air! Yes, come on!

Good jumping today!

All right!

All right, let's
do combinations!

Center floor, first group!

Yes, come on!

Yeah! Come on!

[Muffled dance music
plays in distance]

[Haunting wind hisses]

[Drawers thumping]

[Pecking]

[Michael coughs]

[Card reader beeps]

-What's with
the goddamn bird's nest?

It's a pretty sick joke
considering she's your sister.

-What are you talking about?
-Whatever you're trying to pull,

you're not gonna
get away with it.

-Michael, I think you know,
but you need medical attention.

-Just watch yourself...

or you're gonna need
medical attention.

[Women chattering]

-What are you wearing
for Mardi Gras?

-Uh, do you think Snow White
might be pressing my luck?

[Marci laughs]

-Hey, turn the
goddamn lights back on!

-Ooh, not bad, honey.

Can you get us some
men in here, too?

[Ominous music]

[Women chattering]

♪♪

[Steam hissing]

[Women screaming]

[Tiles shattering]

[Screaming continues]

[Tiles shattering continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Are you two all right?

-Yeah, but to tell
you the truth, Michael,

this place could use
better maintenance.

-Yeah, who needs weight
reduction through terror?

-[Linda chuckles]
-I'm sorry about the showers.

I want to extend
your memberships

for 3 months, no charge.
[Linda giggles]

Drop by my office, and I'll
take care of it, personally.

-Do you think you
can handle both of us

after jazz class tomorrow?

-Well, I can sure
have fun trying.

[Women giggling]

-All right,
we'll see you tomorrow.

-What's it look like in there?

-It's calming down.

Darla's cut isn't serious,

and Marci should be
out in a second.

She's pretty shaken up,
but she's gonna be all right.

-Why did you come
back to the club

the night Laura got hurt?

-I forgot my purse.

-Lucky for her you did.

-Ahoy there.
-How's it going, Freddie?

[Ominous music]

-[Card reader beeps]
-Hello, Robert.

-Let's party.

-Resistance is set
at 120 pounds.

-Anyone seen the white whale?

[Ominous music]

[Robert breathes deeply]

-Increase to 130 pounds.

Increase to 140 pounds.

Increase to 150 pounds.

-Help!

Freddie! Somebody!

Help me!

Help!

Help!
-Let go of it!

-I can't!
-350 pounds...

[Bones snap]

[Robert yells]

[Robert groaning]

-Tom, the guy
is torn to pieces.

-You put those
machines on manual,

and you're gonna end what's
unique about the club.

-The computer had nothing
to do with the accident.

-That system of yours
means more to you

than people's lives, doesn't it?
-This system is a marvel!

It made the club a success!

You can't blame
the computer for tiles

flying off shower walls.

The computer doesn't control
tiles for Christ's sake!

-All right, all right,
all right.

Mike, uh, the other
partners and I agree

that it is, uh, vital that
nothing ruin the success

of the Mardi Gras party
Saturday night.

I mean, we had a 20% increase

in membership last year
due to that party.

Now, you put these
machines on manual,

and half the stuff
isn't gonna work.

-I say we shut the
system down now.

[David scoffs]

-I'll make a bargain with you.

The day after the party,

you want to shut down the
whole damn club for remodeling,

I'll back you 100%.

-That won't be necessary.

-Mike, it's gonna be okay.

You got to trust me
on this one, buddy.

[Watch alarm beeping]

All right, aren't
you supposed to be

picking up Laura
at the hospital?

Come on, let's go. Come on.

[Michael clears throat]

♪♪

-You really mean it?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mm. [Chuckles]

Sure beats hospital food.

Thank you, sir.

Mm, that's not fair,
I can't see a kiss coming.

[Laura breathes heavily]

I may never take
these bandages off.

-I want you to move in with me.

-Only on one condition.

-What?

-We take a drive by the club,
so, I can pick up my things.

[Both laughing]

-See ya, have fun.
-What are you doing tonight?

You want to come with us?
-Yeah!

-Good night!
-What time?

-Oh, about an hour or so.
-See you later.

-I'll come over
and pick you up.

-I'll meet you.
-Okay, great.

-See ya! Bye-bye.
-See you later.

Hey, they're going to
lock you in, Marci.

-Don't worry about me.
I'll get out.

[Haunting wind hisses,
ominous music]

[Lockers clattering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clattering continues]

[Marci gasping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Marci screams,
blood squelching]

[Laura laughing]

-Ow!

-I'm not much help
to you, am I?

-Do you see the one with
number 22 on the door?

-Where?
-[Laura laughs]

Oh, yes, here.

[Both laughing]

Okay, give me a minute
to get to my office,

so I can turn
the security lock off,

then, you can open it.
-I'm not going anywhere.

[Laura chuckles, gentle music]

[Smooches]

[Foreboding music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

[Computer beeping]

[Haunting wind hisses,
card reader beeps]

[Door clatters]

[Suspenseful music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael?

[Suspenseful music continues]

♪♪

Michael?

[Suspenseful music intensifying]

♪♪

[Chair squeaks]

[Suspenseful music continues]

♪♪

Who is it?!

Michael?

-Hi, Michael.
How do you like my costume?

-Bad taste, Darla.
-[Wig thuds]

[Static]

[Grip squeaks,
guitar music plays]

-Okay, continuing
with the babe count.

We have Rhonda behind
the veggie shake counter.

That's Karen Michaels
who played hookers, nurses,

and other pretty girl roles
from 1986 to 1992.

The girl who gets a spike
through her throat

for no apparent reason,
that's Vanessa Bell Calloway.

This was her first feature role,

but she had done a lot of TV,
and then, she would

go on to a great career,
"Coming To America,"

"Crimson Tide," been
a regular on several series,

including, most recently,
"Wicked City,"

the one about the witches
who live together in Atlanta.

Vanessa is the owner
of the voodoo shop

downstairs from
the witch apartment.

And then,
we have Linda and Brooke,

the two girls
who are willing to forget

that they almost got killed
by flying shower tiles so long

as they get a 3-month extension
on their gym memberships,

and a threesome
with William Bumiller.

Um, that's Cindi Dietrich
in her final film role

after doing a lot
of pretty girl roles in the 80s,

including "St. Elmo's Fire"
and "The Man Who Loved Women."

And the other girl
is Karyn Parsons,

who would break out
around this time

as Hilary Banks on
"The Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

Okay, so several questions here.

So far, the spa
has blinded a woman.

[Chuckling]

And why does Michael bring the
blinded woman back to the spa

to clean out her locker
while she's still blind?

I mean, couldn't
he just clean out her locker,

and then take the stuff back
to her Hollywood Hills mansion,

wherever that is.

Um, anyway, so, the spa
has blinded somebody,

almost killed a diver.

Um, seen a bodybuilder
who's trying to get ripped

and he gets ripped.
[Laughter]

Um, uh, there's somebody
ramming spikes

through the throats
of customers.

Uh, Darla is apparently
working out her frustration

over the diving board
by dressing up like a witch

and terrorizing
the manager's girlfriend?

Um, why is this city letting
this place stay open?

And, uh, why does
the lawyer for the place

insist they don't do
anything until

after the Mardi Gras party.

Why would you want to have
a party in a haunted gym

where the manager uses
his dead wife's name,

"Catherine" as his password
to the computer

that ruins all the equipment.

And the password doesn't
even have any asterisks in it.

I mean, who would keep
going to this gym?

And of course, the answer
to the last question is

that it really isthat hard to
cancel your membership at a gym.

So, what do you think, Darcy?

-Uh, you're overthinking it.
-I'm insisting on logic?

Is that your point?
-Yeah, you are.

It's "Death Spa."

-What did you think of the
little dance number in leotards?

-Loved it, of course,
but wait till you see this.

Hit it, John.

["Getting Ripped at
the Drive-In"by Darcy and
the Slashercize Dancers plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ We're getting ripped
at the Drive-In ♪

♪ We're working out
once again ♪

♪ We're moving
all of our muscles ♪

♪ Because we're in it to win ♪

♪ We're getting ripped
at the Drive-In ♪

♪ We're working out
once again ♪

♪ We're moving
all of our muscles ♪

♪ Because we're in it to win ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

♪ Move, get firm,
ooh, let it burn ♪

-♪ Let it burn ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]
-Wow.

-Well, Darcy.

-[Laughs]
-That was fairly amazing.

You should -- You should
have your own workout tape.

-Oh, we're working on it.

-Alright, back to the movie.

Austin, do you know
how to direct

80s workout tape camera angles?

I hope you were doing your job.

-Taken care of. Oh, yeah.

-I-I'm going to assume
that you did the right thing.

-Yep.
-And not the politically correct

thing with those camera angles.
-I hear you. Loud and clear.

-Okay.
-[Laughter]

You had those close up lenses
where they belong, am I correct?

-I feel like you guys
aren't taking this seriously.

-Oh, we're taking it
very seriously.

[Laughter]
Cinematography is key.

[Laughter continues,
harmonica music plays]

♪♪

[Static]

[Crickets chirping]

[Nightmarish music]

♪♪

[Fire extinguisher hissing]

♪♪

Whenever I'm in the club,

and even sometimes
when I'm in this house,

I feel a presence.

It's Catherine.

-Even in death,
she still has a hold on you.

-I feel like she's
reaching out somehow

and causing all this trouble.

It's the dreams, the accidents,

and those messages
on my computer.

I don't know.

Good night, sweetheart.

[Chirping continues]

[Horns honking]

-This cigarette case was found
in the rubble of a mansion

in upstate New York
that burned to the ground

under mysterious circumstances
at the turn of the century.

It belonged to the matriarch
of the family

who had come over from Europe
in the middle-17th century

and built the first house
on the site.

Oh, she was murdered by
her youngest daughter...

beheaded with an ax.

Four subsequent houses
have burned to the ground.

There is no longer a house.

The present owner
has tried to farm the land

on which it stood,
but nothing will grow.

It is a barren,
dead piece of earth.

Cigarette?

-I don't smoke.

[Inhales, exhales sharply]

What I've just demonstrated
is called psychometry,

the ability to acquire, while
in contact with an object,

paranormal knowledge
of its history,

or facts about its present
or previous owners.

-How does this all help me?

-You did bring an object

belonging to your
late wife, Mr. Evans?

[Wand hums]

Ah, Catherine.

[Distant chatter echoes]

Ah, and a beautiful marriage,
it was, too,

until she went into labor
with your child

and something happened
to her lower spine...

a cripple growing progressively
more bitter and depressed.

Jealous too. Of you?

-Without justification.

After she lost the baby,
I couldn't reason with her.

-And then, one day,
she went into the garden,

doused herself with gasoline
and set herself on fire...

burned to unrecognizable ashes.

-All of which was in
the news a year ago.

[Indistinct conversations]

You're gonna have to do
better than that, Dr. Moray.

-Ah. [Chuckles]

A bird's nest.

That's what she thought
of your family,

like a bird building its nest --

the mama bird, the papa bird,
and the baby.

-Then, why would
she kill herself?

-[Chuckles] You work in
this business long enough,

you see things.

-After she died, I didn't
give a damn about anything.

Laura came along, pulled
me out of it, but I just --

-But afraid to
build another nest.

-Exactly.
-But now...

you think that your late
wife is trying to kill you?

-Well, somebody could be
trying to drive me crazy.

-For what purpose?

-My brother-in-law,
Catherine's twin.

He hates my guts.
-Hm.

Why don't I come
down to your club?

You can say I'm an
insurance investigator.

You need one.

[Lido laughs]

I'll hang around
until after closing

and see what I can find out.

-Do you need me for anything?

-One of the reasons
that I left the seminary

for parapsychology, Mr. Evans,

was the desire to separate
true spiritual phenomena

from fraudulent deception.

There is more to this job than
things that go beep and buzz.

[Telephone ringing,
indistinct conversations]

-I'll see you at
the club tonight.

[People chattering]

[Engine starts]

-You love me, don't you?

-I-I can't do this anymore.

Catherine, we're hurting people.

-Yes, you can.

-No.

[Catherine and David
moaning passionately]

-Yes.
-That's better.

They're so weak,

and together,
we are so strong.

[Laughs wickedly]

[Upbeat dance music]

[Muffled dance music
plays in distance]

-Mr. Evans, a woman
named Marci Hewitt,

a member of your club,
is missing.

-Marci?
-Yeah.

Her boyfriend said he hadn't
seen her for two days.

The last he knew she
was going to your club.

-Her car was found abandoned

in the neighborhood
this morning.

-I haven't seen Marci,
at least for two days.

-[Scoffs] What a fantastic
weight reduction program.

People get so thin,
they disappear.

[Upbeat dance music]

-How's the investigation going?

-It's going.

-Hi, Michael.

Ready to make good
on your promise?

-Of course.
-Okay,

we'll see you after
the shower, then.

-All right.
-Okay?

-Linda, come on.

-The security system
will be off at night,

so, you can roam about freely.

-Fine.
-Enjoy the evening.

-Fine.

[People chattering]

-What'd you say?
-[Hair dryer whirring]

-Oh, I think he just cried.

I'm still going out with him.

[Women laughing]

-Guess you handled that.

-Linda?

Linda!

Here's a note for you.
-Ooh!

[Women laughing]

-Well, you know.
-What, did you need a raise?

-No.

-Almost ready?

-Actually, it's so late.
I-I've gotta run.

Do you think you can handle
Michael for both of us?

-With pleasure.
-Okay.

-Hey, let me borrow
your hairspray.

-Yeah, here. Okay.

[Weights clanking,
ominous music]

♪♪

[People chattering]

[Eerie music]

♪♪

[Box thudding]

[Linda sighs]

[Low hum droning]

♪♪

[Box thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael?

♪♪

♪♪

Michael?

Michael, are you here?

[Door creaking]

[Linda chuckles]

[Electricity crackling]

[Steam hissing]

This isn't funny, Michael.

I'm leaving.

[Linda shrieks]

What is it? Turn it off!

[Steam hissing,
Linda screaming]

[Linda whimpers]

Ow, my head!

Ow.

[Whimpering]

Help! [Breathing heavily]

Help me!

-[Explosion]
-[Screams] Help!

[Linda sobs,
electricity buzzing]

It's burning!

[Linda sobbing]

My eyes! [Screaming]

-Michael?
Did you forget your keys?

-Laura, it's David.

-David?

What's wrong?

-Michael asked me to drop by
and check out the home terminal.

One of the programs
keeps hanging.

-He never said anything
to me about you coming by.

-He's had a lot
on his mind lately.

♪♪

Laura, it's nice to see you.

I was so sorry to hear
about your accident.

-Thank you.

-Well, I know my way
to the study.

♪♪

[Disk drive clicks]

[Tools clattering]

[Birds chirping]

Wasn't it sweet of Michael
to bring you here?

-Yes.

Yes, it was.

It was nice.

-How strange for him, though,

having a woman here so soon
after my sister's passing.

-[Exhales sharply] That --
That was over a year ago, David.

-It was that long ago,
wasn't it?

A man must get on with
the business of living.

-How long will you be?

-Do I make you nervous?

-David, I know you have
some kind of crazy idea

that Michael and I were involved
while Catherine was still alive,

but that couldn't be more false.

-Laura, I'm deeply hurt.

I have no such suspicions.

-And I really
liked your sister...

even when she was so mean to me.
-I know.

-[Gasps] Don't!

Don't.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just want to be alone.

-I understand, dear.

I really do.

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

-[Gasps] Would you please...

Would you please answer it?

-Of course.

[Doorbell rings]

-David, I didn't expect
to see you here.

Michael asked me to drop
by with the groceries.

-I'll take care of it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Car door clunks,
engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-You know what I love
about this device?

-[Laughter]
-What?

-I don't feel anything.

What does it do?
How do I do it?

-Like, arm stuff, maybe.
-Okay.

Arm stuff.
-Arm stuff!

-Good. Good arm workout.
All right.

Um, the annoying
computer nerd, David,

brother of the dead
paraplegic wife

who didn't want a baby
and became bitter

after her spine was injured
in labor for a child

that ended up dead, I think

that's what happened, and then,
doused herself with gasoline

and burned herself up
in either the desert,

which we know from
the beginning of that sequence

or the backyard, which we
know from the conversation

with the gun-toting
paranormal investigator

who tells us she ended up as,
quote, "unrecognizable ashes."

'Cause I guess some ashes
are recognizable, you know?

"Hey, look at those ashes.
Is that Shirley?"

And, um, this paranormal dude
is now introduced into the plot,

because, let's see, uh...

because maybe the dead wife

is manipulating
creepy brother, David.

Is there implied incest here

between the creepy wife
and David?

-Let's say yes.
-To mess with

the health club computer

and create mayhem,
because she's jealous

of the now blinded Laura.

Have you noticed that any woman
who gets the hots for Michael

ends up either maimed
or dead or both?

Um, including the woman who
just went down into the basement

to have sex with Michael.

As I was saying,
the annoying computer nerd David

is played by Merritt Butrick
who grew up in the Bay area,

and he was in several movies

horror fans
would be familiar with,

including "Zapped" and,
uh, "Fright Night Part 2."

And he had impressed directors
with his very first job.

He played a rapist on
"Hill Street Blues,"

and then his breakout role
was Johnny Slash

on the sitcom "Square Pegs."

Uh, most people,
though, remember him

as Dr. David Marcus in

"Star Trek 2:
The Wrath of Khan"

and "Star Trek 3:
The Search for Spock."

Um, he was actually
Captain Kirk's son.

Uh, his mother
was Dr. Carol Marcus,

played by Bibi Besch,
but -- but, um,

she had to raise him
as a single mom,

because William Shatner
has only one true love --

the Starship Enterprise.

So, that is actually
a plot point.

Anyway, they had to write
Dr. David Marcus out of

the timeline because sadly,
around the time this movie

came out, Merritt Butrick, uh,
passed away,

and, um, the official cause
of death was toxoplasmosis,

which was a common
complication from AIDS.

He was just 29 years old.

Anyway, one of the reasons

"Death Spa"
seems a little off center

and dense and confusing is,
I think, nobody involved with it

had any experience with horror.

Uh, in fact,
I don't think anybody involved

was even a horror fan
with a possible exception

of Ken Foree, uh,

the great star of,
uh, "Dawn of the Dead,"

who is totally wasted in
the role of the sidekick Melvin.

Um, there were
three writers involved.

None of them
had any horror experience.

The director was an Austrian

making his first feature,
um, Michael Fischa,

uh, who would later go on
to make "My Mom's a Werewolf"

with John Saxon,
"Crackhouse," and "Delta Heat,"

very meticulous director,
probably too meticulous.

He was trying to turn
the story into a murder mystery

and a police procedural
and a ghost story,

and it was all just too much,

and it collapsed under
the weight of its red herrings.

Um, what keeps it going
are the kills.

Uh, they did not squander
any of their budget

when it came to blood,
they had gallons of blood.

And it had a fairly high budget
for that era, $750,000.

And, um, Darcy, yet another
aerobics production number

in the sequence we just watched.
-[Laughs]

-And, uh, it was great,
but yours was better.

-Aw.
-So, thank you for that.

-Our pleasure.
-I want you to dance us out

when the movie's over.
-Oh, we have more.

-Okay, great, actually,
we haven't talked about

the Mother's Day aspects
of this movie.

Is -- Is, um -- Is Mother's Day
a big deal at your house?

-Depends on who's at my house.
-Okay, well,

the only mother in this movie

is a ghost woman played
by Shari Shattuck,

and, um, if I'm
following correctly,

I think, she's the mother
of a dead baby,

and that's
why she killed herself.

So, not really a good role model
for Mother's Day,

but Shari Shattuck in real life
is a role model mama.

She was married to Ronn Moss,

the, um, motorcycle dude
in all the Andy Sidaris movies.

And, uh, they had
two kids together.

And, uh, Shari Shattuck,
she did everything.

She did erotic thrillers,
she did TV,

she did commercials,
she's still working.

But since we know
that the ghost woman played by

Shari Shattuck gets prominent
billing in the opening credits,

we also know that she plays
a big part in the plot.

And it -- it's just a no-no.
Horror 101.

To make the evil
come from off-screen.

That is the main
formal problem with this movie.

-I don't think they were too
worried about formal problems.

-I'm just saying.

I mean,
"Nightmare on Elm Street"

had been out for four
or five years.

I mean, it's not like
it was a screenwriting secret

that you can take a character
from another dimension

and show them up close,
you know,

with the people
they're tormenting.

It had been done.
-You're so picky, man.

[Laughter]

-Okay, you love this movie,
don't you?

-I love it so much.
It's so fun.

-Alright, once again,
I'm in the minority.

So, back to the flick.

Roll it.
-[Chuckles]

-All right, and also, you know,
this is the second movie

I've seen where somebody
gets killed by a fly machine.

You know, those, the fly, right?
[Laughter]

Why do they use that one?

When it's the easiest one
to get away from?

You just slip out, you know?

The obvious choice --

The obvious choice
is bench press.

Uh, Lloyd Kaufman
knew this when he cracked

that guy's head in half
in "The Toxic Avenger."

-Anything that can speed up
would be really scary, too.

-Exactly, anything that can
go faster or anything

that's too heavy for you
to hold by yourself.

-Yeah.
-Have you noticed that everybody

who spots you on a bench press
suddenly becomes your trainer?

You know, "Oh, you got
one more in you, man.

You can -- I just want
you to spot me, man.

No. No, you got one more in you.
You can do it.

Don't give up."

You know, hey,
I just want you

to watch --
catch the damn thing

before it crushes my skull,
okay?

That's your job,
or lands on my Adam's apple

and kills me immediately.

Don't focus on how close
to death I can come, okay?

Do you do bench press?
-[Chuckles] I do.

Do a little bit of everything.
-Okay. Of course you do.

You're disgustingly
healthy, Darcy.

-[Laughs]
-Thank you.

♪♪

[Static]

-Have you seen David?

-Oh, no.

[Radio plays softly]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

-Laura?

♪♪

Laura?

Laura?

Laura?

Are you all right?

[Laura moans sleepily]

-Sure.

Mm, just sleeping.

David came by.

-David?

What the hell was he doing here?

-Fixing your terminal.

-I didn't tell him
to come here.

What's that little
bastard up to?

[Crickets chirping]

[Bird squawking]

-What is it?

-Hm?

-What's wrong? You're upset.

-I saw a parapsychologist today.

[Flock of birds fluttering]

[Birds squawking,
unsettling music]

♪♪

[Electricity zaps]

-God, I am a nervous
wreck, all right?

-I'm almost done, almost done.

Give me a...

Just making sure the computer

no longer controls
the air conditioning.

So, tomorrow night
instead of Mardi Gras,

we're gonna have
a summer hothouse.

[Wand humming]

[Hum warbles]

[Wand buzzes]

[Metal clanging]

[Wand humming]

[Humming warbles]

[Item clatters in room]

[Humming warbles]

[Haunting wind hisses]

♪♪

[Deep breath rasping]

[Wand hums]

[Linda whimpering]

[Skin sizzling,
Linda whimpering]

♪♪

[Lido coughing]

[Growl roars]

[Catherine laughing wickedly]

[Lido screaming]

[Glass shatters]

[Lido thuds,
ghostly growls roaring]

[Lido whimpers]

[Explosion booms,
Lido screaming]

[Blood splattering]

[Lido screams]

[Bang echoes]

[Catherine laughs sadistically]

[Crickets chirping,
dog barking in distance]

-Michael?

Michael?

Michael!

Come to me.

Come to me. I need you.

It's so easy. Then, we
can be together forever.

Jump! Jump!

Jump!

[Body thuds]

[Crickets chirping]

[Ominous music]

-Moray!

Dr. Moray!

Moray!

[Clunking in distance]

[Computer clunking]

[Watch alarm beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

Tom! Open up!

[Michael breathes deeply]

-Is that you, Mike?
-Yeah!

[Lock clattering]

-Morning, Tom, old buddy.

-Morning, Mike.

Why all the good cheer?

-Why shouldn't I be cheerful?

My club's being sabotaged.

Laura is temporarily blinded,

and my lawyer has got the
cutest shorts I've ever seen.

-We don't know
it's sabotage, Mike.

Where'd you find this?
Do you know I've been

looking for this watch
for the past two days?

-You don't know
when to quit, do you?

-Mike, I don't know
what finding a lost watch

has to do with any...

-Are you helping Tom
destroy our club?

-What?
-I found his watch

this morning
in the utilities room.

Are you involved?

-Michael, I was --

-Which one of you put the
chlorine in the steam system?

That could have killed Laura.

-That steam room door
doesn't lock.

She should have been
able to get out.

-And Robert?
And the broken diving board?

Those messages on my computer?

-I don't know anything
about any messages.

-Mike, I think the strain
of the last week

has been getting to you, buddy.

-It all fits.

The computer system fouls up,
I take the blame,

and you and your
partners buy me out.

Who else is in on this?

-It's just the two of us.

Michael, I really am sorry.

-David isn't involved with you?

-No.

-Priscilla seems to know
more about this than I do.

-Have a nice day.

We could still get the club.

We just need to adjust
the spa's books.

-I've known some real pricks,
but you're the king.

-[Laughs] Priscilla, baby.

-Take it as a compliment.
Just stay the hell away from me.

♪♪

-We should stop now.

I see their faces.

I-I hear their screams.
It's horrible.

-Their flirtations annoyed me.

I am tired of
waiting for Michael.

-No, please, I can't.

I don't want to.

-We've only just begun.

-Oh, please!

Please, no.

No! No!

[Static]

[Guitar music plays]

♪♪

-Good form.
-[Chuckles]

-You know, we should ask
Shari Shattuck...

...who played the dead
pissed-off ex-wife.

"Did you ever actually meet any
of the cast members?"

I think her whole role was,

"Hey, Shari,
can you come in tomorrow

and furrow your brows
in front of a blue screen,

'cause you're making
a paranormal investigator's

arm explode
when he tries to shoot you.

And by the way,
that paranormal dude

who had that spectacular kill
being hurled

against the ceiling.

That's Joseph Whipp,
one of those character actors

who never stops working.

He is still appearing
in films today at the age of 83.

But he was Sergeant Parker
in "Nightmare on Elm Street."

Um, he was Sheriff Burke
in "Scream."

Uh, he was
one of the guards

in the great Don Siegel movie
"Escape from Alcatraz."

When you're
a great character actor,

you're always wearing
some kind of uniform, right?

I think, this, uh, movie

set the all-time-record
for subplots.

There is so many subplots
that I have reached

the point of official confusion.

There was that little moment
we just watched where,

correct me if I'm wrong,

but Catherine the ghost
is putting lotion on her legs

and telling her
bitter brother David

that she's, quote,
"tired of waiting for Michael,"

and annoyed by the fact
that Priscilla the club manager

and Tom the lawyer

hooked up and tried
to get control of the club

by turning off
the air conditioner

at the upcoming
Mardi Gras party.

Is that what Tom was doing?

And David loves his
dead sister a little too much

and seems to be jealous
of her former husband,

giving the plot
a little incest angle.

And meanwhile, we have two of
the stupidest cops on the LAPD,

uh, tailing Michael because
why are they tailing him?

We know where he's going.

He's going from his mansion

to his health club, and then
back to his mansion.

Um, apparently,
the Starbody Health Spa

is a cash cow,
because that house he lives in

has to cost
several million dollars, right?

Well, I'll ask you, Darcy,
how much --

how much, uh, does a two-story
multi-bedroom house cost

in the Hollywood Hills
with a pool

overlooking all
of Southern California.

-Well, this was the 80s,

so prices were cheaper then.

-But millions.
Still millions, right?

It's a movie star house.
-Oh. Yeah. Totally.

Yeah.
-Okay.

-[Chuckles]
-Um, so, I guess we're supposed

to think the cops
are tailing Michael,

because they want to know
where his money is coming from.

There aren't enough
discount health club memberships

in the world
to pay for that house.

-You are overthinking it again.
-Okay, I give up.

And speaking of giving up,

why do Tom and Priscilla
just admitthat,

yeah, they're planning
to steal the club from Michael?

But then Michael
doesn't fire them?

So, A, why do they admit it?

B, why does he just,
you know, shrug and move on?

-You were never going to be
able to figure this movie out.

-Well, that's annoying.
-[Laughs]

-And, uh, the one thing
I do like about this flick

is the art direction
and cinematography.

It's beautifully shot.

And, uh, the great thing
about using the health club

as your principal location
is you got all those rooms,

all those mirrors,
you got 16 locations in 1.

-I don't love
the mirror walls in gyms.

-You don't like
mirror walls in gyms.

It's not my preference.
-Yep.

Yeah, do you get
social anxiety in a gym,

because I know a lot
of people have that,

even though, gyms seem
to be set up to maximize that.

Gyms are set up
to create social interaction.

-I don't like that, either.
-All right.

-I don't want people watching me
or talking to me or anything.

-But -- But they're
always set up,

so, that you pretty much
have to watch the other people

on the exercise bikes
and the treadmills

and not to mention the
football-field-sized dance floor

they have
in this particular club.

And, um, by the way,
they used a real health club

that had recently closed.

It was a gym
and a dance studio combined.

-And for you L.A. fans,

it's that infuriating
intersection

that everybody
has to deal with --

Sunset Boulevard
at Crescent Heights,

um, where you turn off
into Laurel Canyon.

That's where this, uh,
abandoned health club was.

-I like gyms where
I'm the only person there.

It's my favorite.
-Okay.

But if you're
the only person there,

you might end up like Marci

who hasn't been seen
in two days,

because she got a spike
through her neck.

-I'm willing to take that risk.

-Okay.

Let's go back
to the "Death Spa."

Roll it.

I used to go to a gym
that didn't allow women.

-What?
-I, no, I mean,

they probably technically
couldn't legally bar women

from going in there
if they wanted to.

But women would check it out
and leave immediately,

because of the noises
and the smells. [Laughs]

-Where was this?
-In New York.

I mean, it was guys
who wanted to grunt

and make disgusting noises,
you know?

A lot of body builders,
weightlifters, wrestlers,

cops, firemen,
bodyguards, you know,

all they wanted to do
was bulk up,

so, they wanted
the right to make these

horrendous animal noises,

because supposedly
that helps you lift more.

-[Chuckles] Is it true?
-Actually, I think, it is true.

I think, you can lift more
when you make that noise.

Anyway, it was
the kind of place --

They had a 150-pound dumbbell.

What -- What can you do
with a 150-pound dumbbell?

And it had rust on it.

How do you get rust
on a dumbbell?

By using it to weigh
down a dead body or something

that you're throwing
in the lake?

Anyway, it was all men.

I know of another place
that's all women,

and they advertise
that it's all women.

So, I guess you can -- you can
discriminate legally, right?

-[Laughs] No, you can't. No.

-Well, I'm telling you
they do it.

-I just want a gym
with no people in it.

-Yeah, me too.
Airport hotels. No people.

-Yes. That's my favorite.
-Just six treadmills,

one bike, and a Smith machine.

-You need more
than a Smith machine.

-Not if you use all
the doohickeys on it.

-[Chuckles] The doohickeys.

-Yeah, all the stuff
hanging off the side

of the Smith machine,
you attach the small devices

to the big device,
and you work out.

-Yeah, that takes
way too much time.

-I know. What you need
is a giant empty gym.

You need an abandoned
Gold's Gym.

I'm sure there are
a lot of those.

[Both chuckle]
-Don't stomp on my dreams.

[Laughter, static]

♪♪

[Static]

[Light music plays,
indistinct conversations]

[Dial tone]

♪♪

[Line ringing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Looking for me?

-Have you seen David?

-No. Are you all right?

-Have you seen a guy
named Moray?

-Who's he?

-[Cradles phone]
-Come on.

The minute you find David,
I want you to grab him.

-What's up?
-Just grab him

and sit on him, then find me.

I'm stopping his
bullshit right now.

What do we need?
Stereo, lights, security system?

-Yeah.
-We have generator power

for that, right?
-Right.

-I'm putting
the machines on manual.

And that's the end of that.

-Ah, I like it!
-[Hands smack]

-Here's my ID card.
-Yeah.

-If David gets in here,

I want you to be
able to get him out.

That thing stays off.

-You got it.

[Tires squeal]

[Suspenseful music]

[Birds chirping]

[Bird squawking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael knocking on door]

-I'm gonna break in.

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

-Are you sure this guy
still lives here?

[Clock ticking]

[Clock chimes]

-Yeah, he lives here.

♪♪

♪♪

-He doesn't live here alone.

♪♪

♪♪

[Fire crackling]

[Catherine screaming]

[Fire crackling]

[Catherine groaning]

♪♪

-Yeah.
Lieutenant Fletcher, homicide.

I want an APB on David Avery.

Male Caucasian, 29-30 years old,

slight build,
about 6 feet tall,

135 pounds,

reddish-blond hair,
probably a psycho.

Oh, and get this.

He might be in drag.

Yeah, right.

[Cradles phone]

[Scoffs] I knew this
guy was a wacko.

I'm going to the club.

[Partygoers chattering,
telephone ringing]

-Starbody.
-Jeffery, Michael Evans.

-Oh, hi, Michael?
-Has David shown up yet?

-No, no. I haven't seen him.

-Go to the computer
room and stand guard.

Don't let anybody in
except Marvin or me.

Tell Marvin to come to the
front desk and watch for David,

or anyone that's dressed like,

like Catherine.
-What?

-David might be dressed
like his twin sister.

Just get the message
passed on to him.

-Okay.

[People chattering,
rock music playing]

♪♪

-♪ She makes it feel ♪

♪ Not cheap ♪

[Partygoers chattering]

♪ And it's got so real ♪

♪ I think we wait and see ♪

♪ All my friends say
she doesn't play ♪

♪ Think twice, think twice ♪

♪ You better think twice ♪

♪ Think twice,
you better think twice ♪

♪ Better think twice ♪

♪ You better think twice ♪

[Partygoers reveling]

♪♪

-Well, like, I thought
you were gonna be here

a half-hour ago.
-This place oughta be lounging

with good-lookin' bimbos.

-I'm sure they'll go crazy for
garlic and pepperoni breath.

-Got any gum?

-♪ Better think twice,
better think twice ♪

-Hey.

Excuse me.

Sorry. I, uh, thought
you were a friend.

-Excuse me.

Sergeant Stone,
Lieutenant Fletcher.

Michael should be in
in a moment.

There's a bar in
the aerobics room.

[Ghostly music]

[Jeffery whistling]

[Ghostly music]

[Jeffery laughing]

-Oh.

[Ghostly music]

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Hey, how'd you do that?

You know, you're
not supposed to

be in the computer room here.

I -- How'd you get in anyway,
the door was locked?

Um, maybe you could
stay for a little while.

Nice, uh, arms.

Um...

You know, I really could get
in a lot of trouble for this.

What's your name?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bones cracking,
Jeffery screaming]

[Partygoers chattering,
lively rock music playing]

-Laura, my God, look at you!
-Oh, Marvin, hi!

-You look fantastic!
-[Laughs] Put me down.

Oh, God, it's great to
see the world again.

Where's Michael?
-He'll be along in a minute.

-Oh, okay.
-Come on, Laura.

Let's go get a drink.

-See you later.
-All right, see you.

-Did you see that guy?
He looks great.

Oh...

Want some of that? [Laughs]

[Knocking on window]

-How's it going, Jeffrey?

[Upbeat music playing]

-So, you're okay?

-Hi, Jeffrey.

-Where's Laura?
-They're headed for the bar.

-How's her eyes?
-Beautiful.

-Okay, great!

-Priscilla's looking for you!

-Who are you?

Where are you taking me?

[Dramatic music]

[Muffled dance music thumping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Skeleton shouts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Say good-bye to your club,
Michael.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chefs speaking Japanese,
rock music playing]

♪♪

-You need help?
-Huh?

-I asked if you could
use a hand.

-Uh, sure. Why don't
you help me with these?

♪♪

♪♪

-So, what a hot party, Tom.
What do you think?

-Yeah, but it's hotter
in the sauna.

-What do you say?
-[Vicky giggling]

[Sinister music]

[Laura whimpering]

[Dramatic music]

-What a shock, poor dear,

the dead past
returning to haunt you.

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door clattering]

[Upbeat rock music playing]

-Hello, Michael.

Resistance is set at maximum.
[Laughs wickedly]

[Switch clicks]

[Computers whirring,
haunting music]

[Keyboard clacking]

[Printer ticking]

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

[Michael gasps]

-Hello, sweetheart.

Welcome to my party.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where's Laura?

-Working on her tan.

Careful.

One flick of a button,
and she's fried chicken.

-What do you want?

-Haven't you been
getting my messages?

I'm lonely.

I want you with me.

Killing yourself
isn't so hard, really.

And besides, you'll be
saving all your friends.

I will destroy this place,

and I'll kill them all

unless you do as I say.

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

Get away from there, Michael.

♪♪

[Laughs]

[Static]

-You know, when your dead,
embittered, revenge-seeking,

shape-shifting,
paraplegic ex-wife says,

"It's either them or me,
Michael.

I'll kill all of them
if you don't kill yourself

and join me,"
wouldn't it be a better story

if Michael was still
in love with her,

and so he's tempted
to actually commit suicide?

Because what is
she threatening here?

She's threatening
to kill all the idiots

who are still members
of Starbody Health Spa

despite people literally
exploding all over the place,

and I guess, you know, cut --

She's going to cut off
his income streams

because killing all those
members

will not get
the place shut down.

We already know that
from the reaction of the police

to the first six deaths
in the club.

Anyway, people who worked
on the movie said there were

quite a few pharmaceuticals
being passed around.

Oh, big surprise, right?
-Why'd you look at me?

-They were in the --
[Laughter]

They were in this bankrupt dance
studio on Sunset Boulevard,

working long days.

And so a lot of the crew
chose to just sleep there

instead of driving back
and forth to their homes,

and of course,
they could work out

while they were living there.

That's what you would have done,
right, Darcy?

-Absolutely.
-All that fitness equipment

sitting there 24/7 beckoning
you.

-Oh, man. You know it.
-Seriously.

You got to do
the Darcy workout tape, though.

-We kind of did it
already with "Slashercize."

-Well, yeah,
but you should do some kind of,

you know, advanced hardcore
Jade Cargill workout.

-[Laughs] Okay.
She's only the most, like,

beyond ripped woman
in the universe,

but, okay, let's do the
Jade Cargill workout.

-Well, okay, you should be
the Jane Fonda of horror

or the Linnea Quigley of horror.

She had a famous horror workout.
-I feel like she's the

Linnea Quigley of horror.
-Yeah, then --

What?
-Go ahead.

-Teach people
how to strengthen their quads

while shaping their thighs
and enlarging their butts --

or shrinking their butts
depending on

what kind of butt person
they are.

But make it all horror themed.
You know, "Sweat till you bleed.

Are you brave enough to follow
Darcy's instructions," and...

-Alright. Put the deal together,
make it happen.

I will call Jade.
It's gonna be a thing.

-Oh, you know Jade? Alright.

-No, I didn't say --
I'll get people on it.

-Okay.

I would produce the Darcy
full-body workout, you know,

but I probably couldn't afford
your star salary.

[Laughter]
-You would be surprised.

-If anybody could make the
mutants sweat, you could do it.

-Well, I appreciate
your confidence.

-Alright.

High-impact workout,
high-impact blood spatter.

-Ooh, I like that.
-I just think at some point

in every workout you do,
somebody in your cast

should die
a horrible grizzly death

like Kenny in "South Park."
-I love that idea.

-Alright. Well, you're
not saying yes, though.

-I mean, I feel like
I did say yes.

-You did? Okay.
[Laughter]

Alright,
back to the Mardi Gras party

and the mind-boggling conclusion
of "Death Spa."

Roll it.

[Vibrating]

Have you noticed
that in "Psych--"

Oh, boy, we're hopping
right on here, aren't we?

Alright.

Have you noticed that
in psycho serial killer movies,

the murderer is often
a workout freak?

Like "American Psycho,"

the killer is obsessively
working out all the time,

getting that body into shape
for the next kill.

What is that about?
Why is that?

-He may have to fight
somebody? I don't know.

-I think they're roided up.

I think they're anabolic,
you know?

He could hit 80 home runs
this season

or he could kill a hooker.

He could go either way,
you know?

He knows a guy named
Esteban in the locker room

who can inject his butt.

-Still talking about butts,
man.

-Well, you'd be surprised
how much gym work

is oriented around
the "bewtocks."

-Oh, no, I wouldn't.

-Oh, right. I forgot.
You live in this world.

-Kind of true.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-Oh, this is a great, Tom.

[Steam hisses]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Vicky gasps,
innards squelching]

Tom!

[Sobbing]

[Catherine laughing]

Oh, God!
[Whimpering]

[Boards cracking,
Vicky screaming]

[Catherine laughing
sadistically]

[Whimpering] No!

♪♪

[David laughing]

♪♪

-David?

David?

[Screams echoing]

♪♪

David, I need your help!

[Catherine grunting]

-No!

You have to go the way I did.

And if you don't,

you're gonna watch Laura burn!

-Alright.
But let her go first.

-Don't give me ultimatums!

-If you kill her,
you'll never have me.

[Catherine whines]

-You'd kill yourself for her.

You love her that
much, don't you?

-David, fight back!

[Screams echoing]

-No!

Oh, God!

[Screaming] No!

Michael.

[David screaming in agony]

-David.

[David groaning]

♪♪

-That weakling is gone forever.

And your time is running out!

No!

[Partygoers chattering,
rock music playing]

♪♪

[Glass shattering]

[Michael grunts]

[Tanning bed buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Michael muttering]

[Michael grunting]

♪♪

[Michael breathing heavily]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Now is your chance, Michael.

Come with me into the inferno.

Let's die together
and live forever in hell.

♪♪

[Marvin grunting]

♪♪

-Marvin...
[Marvin yells]

[Glass shattering]

-Is he okay?
-Marvin!

[Partygoers clamoring]

♪♪

[Michael breathing heavily]

♪♪

-Everyone in this place
is going to die.

-♪ I only want you,
I only want you♪

♪ If you're a nobody♪

♪ I only want you♪

♪ I will be waiting♪

♪ I only want you♪

-We're out of booze here!

There's more in
the aerobics room.

[Partygoers chattering,
rock music blasting]

-You know, this stuff isn't bad.

-Keeps you skinny, too.

-All it needs is,
uh, a little vodka.

[Fletcher tuts,
Darla giggles]

Now what?

[Blender buzzing]

[Darla screaming]

-Why don't you try...

[Darla screaming]

Give me it!
Give me it!

[Darla screaming,
blender whirring]

Help!

I can't -- Stop!

[Blender whirring]

I can't get it off!
It's unplugged!

-[Fletcher groaning]
-Oh, God!

-Come on, get off!
-[Darla screaming]

-Get off!
-[Darla wailing]

Hang on! Oh, my God!

[Groans] I can't get it off!

Stone! Somebody!

-Come on, get off!
-[Darla wailing]

Help!

Jesus Christ, get in here!

Stone! Come on!

[Blender powers off]

Oh, my God.
[Breathing heavily]

[Fletcher muttering]

[Heavy rock music playing
indistinctly]

♪♪

[Fletcher whimpers]

[Screams] Help! Help!

[Hissing growl rasps]

[Fletcher whimpering]

[Fletcher screaming]

[Door slams]

Oh, geez! Jesus Christ!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[Bottles popping]

[Fletcher screaming
hysterically]

♪♪

Help! Help me!

What the fuck?! No!

[Creature growling]

Somebody help!

[Raspy growl squawking]

[Fletcher shouts]

[Fletcher screaming]

♪♪

[Fletcher groaning,
blood squelching]

♪♪

[Blood splurting]

-Fletcher.

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Mm. Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, I feel sick.

-Fletcher, are you there?

Hey, Fletch.

[Catherine laughing maniacally]

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

[Catherine laughing maniacally]

♪♪

-I've got to get to the power.

Can you walk?

-♪ Why won't you love me?♪

♪ Come on and bless this mess♪

[Rowdy rock music playing
indistinctly]

♪♪

-Are you okay?

[Priscilla coughs]
-I'll survive.

-I'll go get Fletch.

Fletch?

♪♪

[Muffled rock music playing]

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

[Priscilla screams,
explosion booms]

[Women screaming]

[Partygoers clamoring]

[Catherine laughing]

[Electricity buzzing]

[Partygoers screaming]

-Run! Run!
[Laughs sadistically]

[All screaming]

♪♪

[Fire roaring,
Catherine laughing]

[Woman gasping]

♪♪

[Man screaming]

[Michael panting]

-Alright, bitch.

I'll show you fried chicken.

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael!

[Michael groaning and screaming]

[Catherine screaming]

[Both screaming]

♪♪

[Electricity sizzling]

♪♪

-Michael!

[Wailing scream echoes]

[Explosions booming]

[Michael groaning]

[Fire roaring]

[Michael sighing]

[Muffled rock music thumping]

♪♪

[Sparks zapping]

[Screams howling]

♪♪

♪♪

[People clamoring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Catherine laughing]
-[Fire roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams howling]

-The computer locked it!

-Aw, fuck this computer shit!

♪♪

[Gun firing]

-What the hell happened?

-It's Catherine.
She took over David's body.

♪♪

[Laura screams]

-Wait, wait, wait!
-[Gun firing]

-[Marvin coughing]
-Marvin!

-Jesus, you finally got --
-Thank God you're alright.

♪♪

[People coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Nice try, Michael.

[Catherine gasping]

♪♪

-[Catherine groaning]
-[Innards squelching]

♪♪

-♪ Found an uptown couple
who'd been danced to death ♪

♪ Nothing left but a burnt spot
on the floor ♪

♪ The evidence was clear
this was no accident ♪

♪ The killer groove
been back for more ♪

♪ Later on an all night
party ended suddenly ♪

♪ Just as fast as the shadow
crawled the wall ♪

♪ It gets worse,
they started to dance ♪

♪ You know they didn't
stand a chance ♪

♪ The killer groove
got them all ♪

♪ So lock your windows,
lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪ Planet Earth ♪
-♪ Yay ♪

-♪ It's blasting in
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Bad for you, but
I guess you should ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪ Another wild child
has a sister, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody hope
that she just ran away ♪

♪ Later on we'll check out
your record collection ♪

♪ They knew good groove ♪

♪ Another late addition
said it was a mystery ♪

♪ And they experts say
it happens all the time ♪

♪ But if you don't
pay attention ♪

♪ No, if you don't recognize ♪

♪ The signature of the beast
in 4/4 time ♪

♪ Lock your windows,
lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you, I'm
gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪ Lock your windows,
lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you,
gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪ Come on, work out ♪

[Heavy electric guitar rock]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Lock your windows,
lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you,
gonna get you good ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪ Lock your windows,
lock your doors ♪

♪ The killer groove
is back for more ♪

♪♪

♪ Last seen in
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Heading for you,
gonna get you good ♪

♪♪

♪ The killer groove is
back for more ♪

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Well, that's what I call
a kitchen sink ending.

♪♪

Meaning you take
all the minor characters

no longer needed for the plot,

and you explode them.

Like Tom the lawyer,

who has taken control
of the club,

accomplished his
nefarious goals,

but he decides
to stick around for a sauna.

So, he gets his face exploded.

His partner in crime
Priscilla explodes.

We have an exploding eyeball
on Catherine herself.

But, of course,
the classic moment

is that frozen fish throat
ripping of the cop.

I don't think I've ever seen
frozen seafood food fu

prior to this movie.

We never find out exactly

how Catherine has acquired
her superpowers

or how she uses them
to manipulate computers

and her cross-dressing brother.

But besides having
those unmotivated

supernatural plot elements,

I think the movie suffers
from a weak main character.

I mean, we don't care that much
about what happens to Michael,

as played by William Bumiller.

And it's not his fault.

It's the way
the character is written.

Bumiller had started out
on "Mork and Mindy" in 1980.

And the rest of his career
would be on TV,

notably "Days of Our Lives,"
"Veronica Mars,"

"Bones," "Reba," "L.A. Law."

He had a good career,
apparently retired around 2008.

And then Brenda Bakke as
the female lead playing Laura,

she was too much
of a damsel in distress,

the way they wrote this thing.

Not much for her to do.

Michael literally picks her
up from that tanning bed

like an old silent movie hero

picking the girl up
off the railroad tracks.

Brenda Bakke was still
struggling to get noticed

when they filmed this in 1986.

She started out
doing hot girl roles

in movies like "Last Resort"
and "Hardbodies 2."

And then finally,
she got major attention in 1993

in "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
opposite Charlie Sheen.

And then she had more meaty
roles in "Under Siege 2,"

"L.A. Confidential,"
"American Gothic."

She was in a couple of Playboy
pictorials in the '90s,

and then she published a memoir
about what she calls her trip

through the dark side of L.A. --
rape, prostitution, and drugs.

It's called "Driving in L.A.,"
and it got pretty good reviews.

One interesting anecdote about
the shooting of "Death Spa"

is that Bette Davis lived
in the building next door,

and she would come out
on to her balcony every day

and watch the filming.

Now, I don't know if that's
a good thing or a bad thing,

but apparently,
the director was flattered.

But as I mentioned before,

the movie disappeared
with hardly a trace.

It didn't have
much of a release,

and maybe that had something
to do with the tag line

on the poster.

"Strange things are a-brewin'
at the local gym."

Why would they say "a-brewin'"?

[Laughter]

Was there a hillbilly
in the cast that I missed?

You know?

What do you think, Darcy?

Where does "Death Spa" fit in
the pantheon of fitness horror?

-[Chuckles] Fitness horror?
Is that a thing?

-We're making it a thing.
Workout horror.

-Well, it's definitely one of
the best fitness horror movies.

Probably thebest, honestly.

The body count makes it fun,
and it's fast-paced.

It's got dancing.
It's got a bad-ass ghost.

It never lets up.
I love it. [Laughs]

-We should call
this Spandex horror.

-Okay.

-And thanks again, Darcy,

for bringing
the Spandex tonight.

I appreciate that.
-Oh, we are not done yet, sir,

but we do have mailbag.

-Oh, okay.
Nothing heartwarming.

-How about inspirational?

-Inspirational.

-For fitness.
-Alright. That's okay.

-Inspiration.
-Alright.

-Okay. It's from Brenton Bober
of Oxford, Michigan.

-Hi, Joe Bob.

I wanted to reach out
and thank you

for inspiring
a nonprofit theater group.

My daughter, Lydia, is part
of a youth theater group.

And although she has
a wonderful time doing it,

she's an avid horror fan

and really wanted the group
to do something spooky.

After watching "The Last
Drive-In's" presentation

of George Romero's
"Night of the Living Dead,"

my wife and I realized we could
write an adaptation

for the stage.

After a year of hard work,

I'm proud to say that
on May 9, 10, and 11,

Reach Drama --
R-E-A-C-H Drama --

Well, wait a minute.
That's tonight.

-[Laughs]

-They're competing with us.
[Laughter]

Reach Drama will be presenting
"Night of the Living Dead"

at the historic Flagstar Strand
Theater in Pontiac, Michigan.

In addition, our play is hosted
by two characters

who present the story as a
late night horror host TV show,

lovingly paying homage
to you and Vincent Price.

Thank you for everything you do
and inspiring us.

I'll have to send you
some production photos

once we're done.

Thanks again.

Brenton, Oxford Michigan.

So, we have zero viewers tonight
in the greater Pontiac region.

I mean, come on.
-That's your comment on that?

-No, I mean.

No, it's great
that they did this.

I mean, when you think about it,

"Night of the Living Dead"
already is a stage play,

because most of it
takes place in one room.

You know, two rooms, actually --
the upstairs and the basement.

So, good luck to Reach Drama.

If you're watching us tonight,
go watch them tomorrow night.

You missed it tonight.
[Laughter]

-Thank you.
I just think it's really awesome

that they were inspired
by "The Last Drive-In."

-Yes, it is.

-Teaching the world
that horror rocks.

-Exactly.

And that's it for me,
Joe Bob Briggs.

Darcy, you should get
the Slashercise dancers

into position
as I remind everybody

that you do not need
a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

And the drive in will never die.

-It's fair.

-And John Brennan.
-Yo!

-Hit the downbeat on this

as soon as you hear
the punchline

so that I won't have any
embarrassing silence, alright?

-For sure.
-Okay.

Two nuns are riding
their bicycles

down a cobblestone street.

First nun says, "I've never come
this way before."

Second nun says,
"It's the cobblestones."

[Harmonica music playing]

John, what did I tell you?

-You call that a punchline?

-Okay, let's try it again, John.

Austin, you have those
low camera angles set

for the dancers
that we talked about?

-Yeah, we're good.
We're ready. We're ready.

-Okay.

♪♪

-[Laughs]

-Guy comes home
to find his mother-in-law

unconscious
on the kitchen floor.

Calls 9-1-1, and the ambulance
takes her to the emergency room.

So, the guy follows the
ambulance to the emergency room.

He sits down
in the ER waiting room.

He's waiting for the news.

And after a while,
a doctor comes out to update him

and says, "I have good news
and bad news.

Which would you like
to hear first?"

The guy thinks for a minute
and he says, "Bad news."

And the ER doc says,

"You mother-in-law has had
a massive stroke.

She is clinically alive,
but she cannot speak.

She can only make
quacking sounds like a duck.

She also cannot eat,

and she has no bowel control
or bladder control.

She may live another 20 years,

but during that time,
you'll have to feed her,

and you'll have to feed
her strained baby food.

You'll have to wash her body,

you'll have to change her
diaper several times a day."

And the guy goes, "Oh, my God.

So, what's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I was
just kidding. She's dead."

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Music button.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Can you feel the beat
in your veins ♪

♪ Through the bloodstream
into your brain? ♪

♪ Reaching out
for another dimension ♪

♪ Higher, higher,
burning tension ♪

♪ Feeling like
Sylvester Stallone ♪

♪ "Rocky V," bring it all home ♪

♪ Working out,
you're never alone ♪

♪ Don't give up,
enter the bone zone ♪

♪♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up now♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up! ♪

-Austin,
what the hell are you doing?

Have you watched
an '80s workout tape?

Close-up! Close-up!

♪♪

Not that close up.

♪♪

-♪ Shootin' stars,
flamin' good times ♪

♪ Jupiter, Saturn, and Mars ♪

♪ Feel the beat
burnin' those carbs ♪

♪ Do your best
and push it real hard ♪

♪♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up now ♪

♪ Beauteous gluteus maximus ♪

♪ Let's firm it up! ♪

♪ Can you feel
the beat in your veins? ♪

♪ Through the bloodstream
into your brain? ♪

♪ Reaching out
for another dimension ♪

♪ Higher, higher,
burning tension ♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick ♪
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.