Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,665
Okay. We have 11
hors d'oeuvre trays
2
00:00:06,803 --> 00:00:08,083
and no room in the refrigerator.
3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,257
You know what we gotta do?
4
00:00:09,286 --> 00:00:10,400
We just gotta pick a weekend,
5
00:00:10,424 --> 00:00:12,217
unplug the phone, and eat jam.
6
00:00:14,563 --> 00:00:16,701
Honey, every year, and
this is no reflection on you,
7
00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:18,253
your birthday party stinks.
8
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,046
But it's no reflection on me.
9
00:00:21,184 --> 00:00:22,494
This year we've taken steps.
10
00:00:22,633 --> 00:00:24,322
We got happy
birthday decorations,
11
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,702
we've got very cute festive
happy birthday earrings,
12
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,081
and we've got really
good hors d'oeuvres!
13
00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:30,736
We're gonna have a great time.
14
00:00:30,874 --> 00:00:33,674
Yeah, and if they don't, just bark
at 'em like that, 'cause that helps.
15
00:00:33,805 --> 00:00:35,806
That's the cake.
Oh, yeah, the cake.
16
00:00:35,943 --> 00:00:37,668
We may have to
borrow a refrigerator.
17
00:00:37,806 --> 00:00:39,206
I'm not gonna
borrow a refrigerator.
18
00:00:39,254 --> 00:00:41,265
I'm sure we'll figure out
some way to make room. Yeah.
19
00:00:41,289 --> 00:00:42,289
Comin' through!
20
00:00:42,358 --> 00:00:43,358
Ohh...
21
00:00:45,531 --> 00:00:46,944
Okay. That's a big cake.
22
00:00:47,082 --> 00:00:49,048
From what I hear, Paul,
your birthday parties
23
00:00:49,186 --> 00:00:50,842
need all the help they can get.
24
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,152
That's very nice, Marvin.
25
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,301
Do me a favor. Go in the hall,
26
00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:56,497
see if maybe you
dropped your tact.
27
00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:59,049
Paulie, your birthday party
is not a reflection on you.
28
00:01:00,325 --> 00:01:02,463
Marvin! Don't
antagonize the dog.
29
00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:03,601
He started it.
30
00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:04,750
Hey, James, is it all right
31
00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,991
if I bring Catherine
here tonight?
32
00:01:06,015 --> 00:01:07,497
Marvin!
33
00:01:07,636 --> 00:01:08,636
What?
34
00:01:08,705 --> 00:01:09,705
Who's Catherine, now?
35
00:01:09,843 --> 00:01:11,671
She's new. That's the rich one?
36
00:01:11,808 --> 00:01:12,957
Yeah, you gotta
take her to, like,
37
00:01:12,981 --> 00:01:14,395
$100 restaurants every time,
38
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,533
or she can't digest.
39
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,464
Murray! Bad dog!
40
00:01:19,602 --> 00:01:20,913
Bad guest!
41
00:01:21,051 --> 00:01:22,465
Are you all right?
42
00:01:22,603 --> 00:01:23,992
Pain! Deep pain! Pain in
the hand! All right, all right.
43
00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:25,223
Let me just look at it.
44
00:01:25,361 --> 00:01:27,983
Marvin, it's nothing.
He barely broke the skin.
45
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,292
Oh, my God!
46
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,328
Has that dog had its shots?
47
00:01:31,465 --> 00:01:33,052
It's Murray. Yeah,
he's had his shots.
48
00:01:33,190 --> 00:01:34,710
How about you? Have
you had your shots?
49
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:36,777
All right, all
right. Settle down.
50
00:01:36,914 --> 00:01:38,269
Marvin, come on. We'll
take a look at that hand.
51
00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:39,880
Ooh! Aah! Aah!
52
00:01:40,018 --> 00:01:41,293
Hal and Maggie's.
53
00:01:41,431 --> 00:01:42,466
"Hal and Maggie's" what?
54
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,764
We'll use their refrigerator.
55
00:01:43,846 --> 00:01:45,260
Hal and Maggie? Really?
56
00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:46,398
Why not?
57
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:47,708
Well, A, they hate us,
58
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:49,206
and two, they
really don't like us.
59
00:01:50,191 --> 00:01:51,467
Just follow my lead.
60
00:01:53,432 --> 00:01:54,432
Yes? Hi!
61
00:01:54,571 --> 00:01:55,571
Hi!
62
00:01:56,364 --> 00:01:57,467
Can I help you?
63
00:01:57,605 --> 00:01:59,125
Uh, well, we hadn't
heard back from you
64
00:01:59,261 --> 00:02:00,661
about Paul's
birthday party tonight,
65
00:02:00,743 --> 00:02:02,168
so we were just wondering
if you were coming.
66
00:02:02,192 --> 00:02:04,392
Yeah, just checkin' up to
see, uh, see if you're coming.
67
00:02:05,882 --> 00:02:08,020
You're inviting Hal and
me to your birthday party?
68
00:02:08,158 --> 00:02:09,537
Did you not get the invitation?
69
00:02:09,675 --> 00:02:10,675
No.
70
00:02:11,503 --> 00:02:12,503
Oh, my goodness.
71
00:02:12,573 --> 00:02:13,676
Oh, my goodness.
72
00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:17,987
Those...
73
00:02:18,124 --> 00:02:21,573
Those, those bastard
postmen. That's what it is.
74
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:26,056
Hal!
75
00:02:26,194 --> 00:02:29,263
The allied forces at
Bastogne are surrounded.
76
00:02:32,263 --> 00:02:34,539
Hal, darling, we have company.
77
00:02:35,436 --> 00:02:36,850
Oh. Hello.
78
00:02:36,988 --> 00:02:39,412
Did we receive an invitation
to Paul's birthday party tonight?
79
00:02:39,436 --> 00:02:40,575
You're joking, of course.
80
00:02:40,713 --> 00:02:41,954
No, no, no. We sent it.
81
00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,034
Yeah, I can prove it. I
have the, I saved the, uh,
82
00:02:44,058 --> 00:02:45,196
I still have the, uh...
83
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,437
We sent it. We did.
84
00:02:48,747 --> 00:02:50,482
Well, if you're not busy,
we'd love you to come.
85
00:02:50,506 --> 00:02:51,552
Oh, well, actually, we are...
86
00:02:51,576 --> 00:02:53,299
We'd be delighted!
87
00:02:53,437 --> 00:02:55,265
That's great! We'll
see you tonight.
88
00:02:55,403 --> 00:02:57,231
This is a beautiful
place, by the way.
89
00:02:57,368 --> 00:03:00,162
God, look at these. Are these
linen napkins? Gorgeous napkins.
90
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,197
Yes. I only keep linen ones.
91
00:03:02,335 --> 00:03:03,817
Honey, look at
that. Look at that.
92
00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:05,887
Yes, it's a Cezanne lithograph.
93
00:03:06,024 --> 00:03:09,129
I got it in the divorce settlement
with my second husband Hal.
94
00:03:09,266 --> 00:03:10,611
Isn't it grand?
95
00:03:10,749 --> 00:03:11,818
It really is.
96
00:03:12,991 --> 00:03:14,647
It really is. Well,
we'd better go.
97
00:03:14,784 --> 00:03:16,381
We got hors d'oeuvres
all over the house. Yeah.
98
00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,336
In fact, do you...
99
00:03:18,474 --> 00:03:20,923
Do, do you have any
extra room in your fridge?
100
00:03:21,061 --> 00:03:22,061
In our fridge? Oh, no...
101
00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,370
Of course, we do.
102
00:03:24,406 --> 00:03:26,199
You're a lifesaver. Mmm-uah!
103
00:03:26,337 --> 00:03:27,648
So glad you're coming.
104
00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:29,268
Mmm-uah! Very, very glad.
105
00:03:29,682 --> 00:03:30,682
Ta!
106
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,165
Not that I'm not in
true awe of your skill,
107
00:03:34,302 --> 00:03:35,416
but don't you feel
a little dirty now?
108
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,131
We do what we
have to do. All right.
109
00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:51,304
So, Catherine...
110
00:03:51,442 --> 00:03:52,718
So, Ira...
111
00:03:54,857 --> 00:03:56,995
Are your cousin's
birthday parties always this
112
00:03:57,442 --> 00:03:58,442
punishing?
113
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:00,650
Sadly, yes.
114
00:04:02,305 --> 00:04:04,582
Why do you think that is?
115
00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:06,891
Secretly, I think it's
a reflection on him.
116
00:04:07,616 --> 00:04:08,616
Are you having fun?
117
00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:09,823
Oh, yes! Oh, boy.
118
00:04:09,961 --> 00:04:11,478
Good.
119
00:04:11,616 --> 00:04:13,730
What do you say we kick
this party in the butt a little bit?
120
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,548
Yeah? What you got
in mind? Come here.
121
00:04:15,685 --> 00:04:18,099
Next door, in Hal and
Maggie's refrigerator,
122
00:04:18,237 --> 00:04:20,928
we have barbecued buffalo wings.
123
00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:22,075
Well, hold on to your hats.
124
00:04:22,099 --> 00:04:23,100
Just go.
125
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,513
Hello, Paul.
126
00:04:25,652 --> 00:04:26,686
Hey, Marv...
127
00:04:30,549 --> 00:04:32,791
Marvin, what are you doing?
Murray barely nipped you.
128
00:04:32,929 --> 00:04:34,791
You look like Stubby,
the Gauze King.
129
00:04:36,791 --> 00:04:38,825
I am in tremendous pain,
130
00:04:38,963 --> 00:04:41,481
to say nothing of
my mental anguish.
131
00:04:41,619 --> 00:04:43,733
Oh, really? What are you gonna
do? Are you gonna sue me now?
132
00:04:43,757 --> 00:04:47,585
Yup, for 1.1 million. You get
served the papers on Monday.
133
00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:48,768
Are those double-stuffed
mushroom caps?
134
00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:49,792
Get out of there.
135
00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:53,619
Okay. Let the merriment begin.
136
00:04:53,757 --> 00:04:54,792
Buffalo wings, anyone?
137
00:04:54,930 --> 00:04:57,378
No.
138
00:04:57,516 --> 00:04:59,068
Alrighty, then. I tried.
139
00:04:59,206 --> 00:05:00,758
Who doesn't like
little buffalo wings?
140
00:05:00,896 --> 00:05:02,241
I know. James,
you got, like, a...
141
00:05:02,378 --> 00:05:03,689
Yeah, there you go.
142
00:05:03,827 --> 00:05:05,517
Thank you. Oh, by the way,
143
00:05:05,655 --> 00:05:07,252
did you see that Cezanne
they got over there?
144
00:05:07,276 --> 00:05:08,276
Yeah, it's nice.
145
00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:10,276
What time is it? 7:30.
146
00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:12,379
Oh, Sweet Lord Almighty.
147
00:05:13,725 --> 00:05:15,346
Hey, guys. BOTH: Hi!
148
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,483
What's new with you?
149
00:05:16,552 --> 00:05:18,690
Oh, nothin' much.
We re-wallpapered.
150
00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:19,828
Really?
151
00:05:19,897 --> 00:05:20,932
Spent way too much.
152
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:22,070
Uh-huh.
153
00:05:22,415 --> 00:05:23,415
Yeah.
154
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,426
What do you say we
get this party goin'?
155
00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:31,105
Oh, please! Come with me.
156
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,485
Next door, in Hal and
Maggie's refrigerator,
157
00:05:33,623 --> 00:05:35,485
you will find authentic
158
00:05:35,623 --> 00:05:37,658
mini-Philadelphia
cheese steak sandwiches!
159
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:38,796
Look out! Wow.
160
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,141
You have insurance,
don't you, Paul?
161
00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:44,117
Marvin, I have insurance,
but that's not the point.
162
00:05:44,141 --> 00:05:45,659
What you're doing, that's wrong.
163
00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:46,797
It's litigious,
164
00:05:46,866 --> 00:05:49,313
and it's, it's icky, frankly.
165
00:05:49,451 --> 00:05:51,417
It makes me think that
you're a bad person,
166
00:05:51,555 --> 00:05:53,911
and maybe somebody that I shouldn't
have invited to my birthday party.
167
00:05:53,935 --> 00:05:56,004
I love little hot dogs.
Get outta there.
168
00:05:56,487 --> 00:05:57,935
Okay, everybody,
169
00:05:58,073 --> 00:06:01,280
authentic Philadelphia mini
cheese steak sandwiches.
170
00:06:01,418 --> 00:06:02,418
No.
171
00:06:02,521 --> 00:06:03,561
No, not today. No, thanks.
172
00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:05,315
Hey, did you see that Cezanne?
173
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,005
Yeah, I know. It's very nice.
174
00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:11,005
Do you think Paul's cruddy birthday
parties are a reflection on him?
175
00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:13,212
No! It's her!
176
00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:15,177
At bottom, she's not a giver.
177
00:06:16,695 --> 00:06:18,282
Hey, guys. Are you having fun?
178
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,902
Oh, yeah! Oh, ho, ho!
179
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,695
Good.
180
00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:24,558
So, what's new in the
world of Burt and Sylvia?
181
00:06:24,696 --> 00:06:27,178
Well, Burt pledged a fortune
182
00:06:27,316 --> 00:06:28,972
to the Red Cross walkathon.
183
00:06:29,110 --> 00:06:30,248
Really?
184
00:06:30,385 --> 00:06:32,065
He didn't realize that
you pledge per mile.
185
00:06:33,696 --> 00:06:34,696
It's so complicated.
186
00:06:34,765 --> 00:06:35,938
In my day, you wrote a check.
187
00:06:36,076 --> 00:06:38,663
What are you talking?
This is your day.
188
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,594
Anyway, we got this terrific
little Red Cross penknife.
189
00:06:43,042 --> 00:06:44,042
Huh.
190
00:06:46,491 --> 00:06:48,698
Hey, what would you guys say
191
00:06:48,836 --> 00:06:51,595
if I told you, next door
at Hal and Maggie's,
192
00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,249
this is my ace in the hole,
193
00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:55,285
we have fish pockets?
194
00:06:56,733 --> 00:06:57,802
I would say, "wow."
195
00:06:57,940 --> 00:06:59,285
Okay. Come on!
196
00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:01,181
Marvin, according
to my insurance,
197
00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:03,906
I am not covered for
earthquakes, floods,
198
00:07:04,044 --> 00:07:06,388
or "the misdeeds
of God's creatures,"
199
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,320
of which Murray
is apparently one.
200
00:07:09,217 --> 00:07:10,734
I'm really sorry, Paul.
201
00:07:10,872 --> 00:07:13,112
If there's anything I can do
to help, please let me know.
202
00:07:14,044 --> 00:07:15,562
Well, uh, and this
is just a thought,
203
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,251
you could drop the lawsuit.
204
00:07:17,389 --> 00:07:19,458
That I cannot do.
205
00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:21,321
Marvin. I love Cajun popcorn.
206
00:07:21,459 --> 00:07:22,504
Well, you're not gettin' any.
207
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:25,805
Hey, everybody, fish pockets!
208
00:07:25,942 --> 00:07:27,045
No.
209
00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,287
No, thanks.
210
00:07:28,425 --> 00:07:29,874
Did you get a load
of that Cezanne?
211
00:07:30,012 --> 00:07:31,150
I saw it. I saw it.
212
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,150
Lovely party, isn't it?
213
00:07:34,529 --> 00:07:35,529
Grand.
214
00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:37,322
Excuse me.
215
00:07:37,426 --> 00:07:39,806
Mrs. Buchman, do
you have a bathroom?
216
00:07:39,944 --> 00:07:40,944
No, I'm afraid not.
217
00:07:41,013 --> 00:07:42,564
Yes, we do. Right through there.
218
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:45,058
Hey, Murray, come
here. Come here.
219
00:07:45,082 --> 00:07:46,323
Kill! Kill! Kill the guest.
220
00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:47,901
What are you doing?
That dog's crazy.
221
00:07:48,013 --> 00:07:49,634
No, no, no! Put
him in the kitchen.
222
00:07:49,771 --> 00:07:50,851
All right, Murray,
get in the kitchen.
223
00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:52,738
Not him. You. Marvin,
get in the kitchen.
224
00:07:54,014 --> 00:07:55,083
Come on. Come with me.
225
00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,340
We're leaving our own party?
226
00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:57,772
We're gonna get
the birthday cake.
227
00:07:57,910 --> 00:07:59,393
Ooh. Birthday cake.
228
00:08:00,531 --> 00:08:01,979
Did I miss anything?
229
00:08:02,117 --> 00:08:03,255
Oh, don't be silly.
230
00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:04,473
Okay, who wants to go home?
231
00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:06,393
What do we do?
232
00:08:06,497 --> 00:08:07,611
We could just make a run for it.
233
00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:09,256
No, no. I got it.
This what we do.
234
00:08:09,393 --> 00:08:11,739
We turn all the clocks and
our watches ahead two hours.
235
00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:13,360
That way, Paul and
James come back,
236
00:08:13,498 --> 00:08:15,956
somebody says, "Oh, my gosh, what
happened to the time?" And we blow.
237
00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:17,429
Oh, Ira, you're a big genius.
238
00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:19,878
Hey, hey, Marvin! Change
the clock on the microwave.
239
00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:22,016
I heard the whole thing!
240
00:08:22,154 --> 00:08:24,705
Next year, we're just
gonna send them a card.
241
00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,843
For us, it's just an
honor to be here.
242
00:08:28,154 --> 00:08:29,326
All right, everybody.
243
00:08:30,154 --> 00:08:31,154
Here we go.
244
00:08:31,257 --> 00:08:32,637
Everybody set? Yeah.
245
00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,292
Here we go. Cake time!
246
00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:35,499
Yay!
247
00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,465
Oh, wow! Look at that!
248
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:40,051
Oh, don't you traditionally
have candles on your cake?
249
00:08:40,189 --> 00:08:41,589
Well, you know,
after a certain age,
250
00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:43,293
really, you're
just startin' a fire.
251
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:44,983
Oh, let us lend
you some candles.
252
00:08:45,121 --> 00:08:46,465
It'll be much more fulfilling.
253
00:08:46,604 --> 00:08:47,845
Great! Thank you. Thank you.
254
00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:49,432
Oh, boy. Gettin' late, huh?
255
00:08:49,569 --> 00:08:50,742
Oh, yeah.
256
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,052
What do you mean?
Is that clock right?
257
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,030
Yeah. Jeez, I think we
gotta hit the road, huh?
258
00:08:55,121 --> 00:08:56,570
No, no, no, no.
259
00:08:56,708 --> 00:08:59,466
Just a minute! No
one's going anywhere.
260
00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:02,571
Our Cezanne has been stolen.
261
00:09:03,881 --> 00:09:06,122
It's been cut right
out of the frame,
262
00:09:06,260 --> 00:09:09,606
and we found this
on the floor beneath it.
263
00:09:11,398 --> 00:09:13,434
A happy birthday earring.
264
00:09:14,365 --> 00:09:15,503
Oh, my God.
265
00:09:15,641 --> 00:09:16,710
J'accuse!
266
00:09:26,228 --> 00:09:29,159
Ha ha. Very funny.
We stole the Cezanne.
267
00:09:29,297 --> 00:09:32,642
Wait a minute. You two were
alone when you went to get the cake,
268
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,160
and that earring, it
does speak volumes.
269
00:09:35,297 --> 00:09:37,677
Plus, right now,
you need the money!
270
00:09:37,815 --> 00:09:39,175
You know, this
is interesting, Ira.
271
00:09:39,263 --> 00:09:42,091
It's very interesting that you
would accuse us of stealing.
272
00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:43,585
That's interesting.
It's interesting, isn't it?
273
00:09:43,609 --> 00:09:46,092
Oh, it is. That is
interesting. It's interesting.
274
00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:47,229
Why is that interesting?
275
00:09:48,436 --> 00:09:50,333
How do we know you
didn't steal the Cezanne?
276
00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:51,630
What, me? That's right. Yeah.
277
00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:53,402
You, too. You were
in there by yourself.
278
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:54,919
And you, too, need money.
279
00:09:55,057 --> 00:09:57,264
You said yourself, Catherine
is costing you a fortune.
280
00:09:57,402 --> 00:09:58,713
Honey. Hey!
281
00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:00,586
I'm just saying, don't
you go pointing a finger.
282
00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:02,093
Plus, you commented
on the Cezanne
283
00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:03,448
when you came back
from the apartment.
284
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,713
James, I did not steal
the painting, all right?
285
00:10:05,851 --> 00:10:06,851
Huh.
286
00:10:07,403 --> 00:10:08,403
Huh.
287
00:10:09,611 --> 00:10:10,956
I'm sure you didn't.
288
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,232
I'm sure you didn't,
Ira, but, you know, just...
289
00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:18,232
Just indulge me. Refresh
my memory a little bit.
290
00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,990
Specifically, which
hors d'oeuvre was it
291
00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,163
that you were sent
in there to fetch?
292
00:10:23,301 --> 00:10:26,577
"To fetch." I was sent in
to fetch the buffalo wings.
293
00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:28,267
Buffalo wings.
294
00:10:28,371 --> 00:10:31,371
Interesting. Hal, if I might,
295
00:10:31,509 --> 00:10:32,716
Let me see that frame.
296
00:10:32,854 --> 00:10:34,613
All right. Mmm-hmm.
297
00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:39,682
Okay. Hal, would you say
that that's some type of sauce?
298
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:42,475
It may be a sauce.
299
00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:47,855
Ira, when you came
back from the apartment,
300
00:10:47,993 --> 00:10:50,268
you wiped your hand with
a paper towel, did you not?
301
00:10:50,406 --> 00:10:51,717
Yeah. Was it...
302
00:10:56,787 --> 00:10:58,338
This paper towel?
303
00:10:58,476 --> 00:10:59,476
I-I don't know.
304
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,960
Freeze, Ira. You
stay right there.
305
00:11:01,098 --> 00:11:02,476
Don't you move.
306
00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:04,649
Maggie, will you
please taste the sauce?
307
00:11:04,787 --> 00:11:06,615
I most certainly will not!
308
00:11:07,616 --> 00:11:09,132
All right, will you
smell the sauce?
309
00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:12,685
Does that sauce match the sauce
310
00:11:12,823 --> 00:11:14,133
on the lithograph frame?
311
00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:15,995
Yes.
312
00:11:17,202 --> 00:11:19,099
Okay, okay, okay.
313
00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:22,202
I'll tell you what happened.
I went in to get the wings.
314
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:24,755
And on the way out, I
spilled a little wing sauce.
315
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,409
So I cleaned it up,
but after I was done,
316
00:11:27,547 --> 00:11:29,686
I had noticed that the
Cezanne was a little tilted,
317
00:11:29,824 --> 00:11:31,203
And, you know,
being an art lover,
318
00:11:31,341 --> 00:11:32,996
I-I straightened it up.
319
00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:34,858
I guess I had some
sauce on my fingers,
320
00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:37,169
and that's how it
got on the frame.
321
00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:39,514
So forgive me if, in
my thoughtfulness,
322
00:11:39,652 --> 00:11:41,583
I besmirched
anything in any way.
323
00:11:43,446 --> 00:11:46,342
Well, that's a very
lovely story, indeed.
324
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:49,480
But one little
detail puzzles me.
325
00:11:52,308 --> 00:11:53,619
Tell us, Ira,
326
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:58,067
exactly with what did
you mitigate the stain?
327
00:11:58,205 --> 00:12:00,205
What? What did you
use to clean up the sauce?
328
00:12:00,792 --> 00:12:02,240
Oh, uh, a napkin.
329
00:12:02,378 --> 00:12:03,738
Mmm-hmm, what,
what type of napkin?
330
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:05,861
An absorbent napkin.
331
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:08,930
I'm saying, was
it linen or paper?
332
00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:10,941
It was paper. What, you
think I'm gonna clean up a spill
333
00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,275
with nice linen napkins?
334
00:12:13,034 --> 00:12:14,310
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
335
00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:18,793
Maggie... My darling...
336
00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:20,482
Excuse me.
337
00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:22,069
Tell us...
338
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:25,242
Do you have any paper
napkins in your home?
339
00:12:25,380 --> 00:12:26,587
Of course not.
340
00:12:26,725 --> 00:12:27,725
They're for rabble.
341
00:12:29,242 --> 00:12:30,587
So... Excuse me.
342
00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:34,450
So, no paper
napkins in their home.
343
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,415
Would you like
to tell the truth?
344
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,036
All right, all right, all right.
345
00:12:39,174 --> 00:12:43,175
The truth is, the spill was
a little worse than I said.
346
00:12:44,726 --> 00:12:46,761
No matter what I did,
I couldn't get it out.
347
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:49,002
So I moved the table over it.
348
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:52,313
And I had noticed that
the painting was tilted,
349
00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,244
so I straightened it, you know,
350
00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,176
to try to make
up for everything.
351
00:12:56,314 --> 00:12:59,003
The part about me not realizing
that I had sauce on my fingers?
352
00:12:59,141 --> 00:13:00,969
That was absolutely true.
353
00:13:01,107 --> 00:13:04,107
Hal, Maggie, I would
consider it an honor
354
00:13:04,245 --> 00:13:06,073
if you would let me
buy you a new rug.
355
00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:08,694
And new napkins, even
though, right now, I am
356
00:13:09,486 --> 00:13:10,935
a little short on cash.
357
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:15,902
But please believe me, I
did not steal the Cezanne.
358
00:13:16,591 --> 00:13:17,695
Do you believe him?
359
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,246
I suppose so.
360
00:13:19,384 --> 00:13:22,971
So, Paul and Jamie
did steal the painting.
361
00:13:23,109 --> 00:13:26,936
Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan.
362
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:31,730
Isn't it ironic that you
would accuse us of stealing?
363
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:34,488
It is so ironic.
364
00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:36,972
You and Debbie were
also alone in the apartment.
365
00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:38,420
Yessss.
366
00:13:38,558 --> 00:13:41,351
And you, also, professed
an admiration for the painting.
367
00:13:41,489 --> 00:13:42,835
They did? I'm saying.
368
00:13:42,973 --> 00:13:46,042
And the two of you are
also very short on cash,
369
00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:48,835
because you ran amok
re-wallpapering your apartment.
370
00:13:48,973 --> 00:13:51,767
Ah, plus, and
this is interesting,
371
00:13:51,904 --> 00:13:53,180
The minute you came back here,
372
00:13:53,318 --> 00:13:54,559
you couldn't wait to leave.
373
00:13:54,698 --> 00:13:57,008
Like you wanted to just
get out of town with your loot.
374
00:13:57,146 --> 00:13:59,077
Oh! Just hold it right there.
375
00:13:59,215 --> 00:14:01,526
We went in, we
got the sandwiches.
376
00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:03,388
We put them on
the dining room table
377
00:14:03,526 --> 00:14:05,284
while we went to
look at the Cezanne.
378
00:14:05,422 --> 00:14:07,146
Then we picked them up and left.
379
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:12,975
Well... That's a delicate
web woven, Debowwah.
380
00:14:15,802 --> 00:14:19,665
But one, one little
detail puzzles me.
381
00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:21,872
You say you put the little
mini steak sandwiches
382
00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:23,907
on the dining room table.
383
00:14:24,424 --> 00:14:25,734
Yeah.
384
00:14:25,872 --> 00:14:27,352
Yeah, that, that,
that's troubling me.
385
00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:28,872
That, that, that's...
386
00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:30,114
Hal...
387
00:14:30,632 --> 00:14:31,632
Excuse me.
388
00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:36,287
At this moment, would
you say there's any room
389
00:14:36,425 --> 00:14:37,804
on your dining room table?
390
00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:39,873
No. No.
391
00:14:40,011 --> 00:14:41,322
No. And why is that?
392
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,080
What is it that is taking up
393
00:14:43,218 --> 00:14:45,425
pretty much every square
inch of your dining table?
394
00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:48,460
The Battle of the Bulge.
395
00:14:51,185 --> 00:14:54,012
The Battle of the Bulge. Hmm...
396
00:14:54,150 --> 00:14:55,841
So... What is wrong
with you? Move! Sorry.
397
00:14:55,979 --> 00:15:00,806
So... There was no surface to
put any mini steak sandwiches on.
398
00:15:00,944 --> 00:15:02,737
Would you care to
revise your story, ladies?
399
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,704
The living room looked odd.
400
00:15:05,841 --> 00:15:08,255
There was this table in
the middle of everything.
401
00:15:08,393 --> 00:15:10,186
So when Debbie went
and got the sandwiches,
402
00:15:10,324 --> 00:15:12,324
I spruced up a little.
403
00:15:12,462 --> 00:15:14,221
I know, it's none
of my business,
404
00:15:14,359 --> 00:15:16,083
but we're on this
damn decorating kick,
405
00:15:16,221 --> 00:15:18,601
and, well, I just
couldn't help myself.
406
00:15:19,497 --> 00:15:21,015
It was rude and presumptuous...
407
00:15:21,152 --> 00:15:23,188
But we did not
steal that Cezanne.
408
00:15:23,325 --> 00:15:25,257
I suppose I believe them.
409
00:15:25,394 --> 00:15:26,532
Mmm. I suppose so.
410
00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:29,119
Which means that
the real thief is...
411
00:15:29,257 --> 00:15:31,567
We didn't teach
you to steal, Paulie.
412
00:15:31,706 --> 00:15:33,947
Tell us, son, is it our fault?
413
00:15:34,084 --> 00:15:36,913
Or maybe there was
perhaps another bad influence
414
00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:38,809
somewhere else in your life.
415
00:15:38,947 --> 00:15:40,361
Who's saying where?
416
00:15:44,430 --> 00:15:46,983
Sylvia, I can't help
but raise an eyebrow
417
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,155
at the notion that you
would accuse us of stealing.
418
00:15:50,293 --> 00:15:51,638
Can't help but.
419
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,224
You and Burt were also
alone in the apartment.
420
00:15:54,362 --> 00:15:56,708
Yesss. And you
two also need cash,
421
00:15:56,846 --> 00:15:59,155
Thanks to your
goofball philanthropy.
422
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:01,167
Which you'll tell me later.
Yeah, I'll tell you later.
423
00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,811
Oh, and that handy little pocket
knife the Red Cross gave you,
424
00:16:03,949 --> 00:16:05,329
a perfect tool for the job.
425
00:16:06,777 --> 00:16:08,156
We went over there,
426
00:16:08,294 --> 00:16:11,329
we got the fish pockets,
And we came back.
427
00:16:12,156 --> 00:16:13,225
Really?
428
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,501
Really?
429
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,812
A tidy tale, Sylvia,
but it seems to me...
430
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:18,995
Could you move
over a little bit, I...
431
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,744
Sure.
432
00:16:20,881 --> 00:16:23,547
It seems to me you were over
there for at least three or four minutes.
433
00:16:23,571 --> 00:16:25,710
Yes. What took so long?
434
00:16:25,848 --> 00:16:27,606
A little crime sidetrack you?
435
00:16:27,744 --> 00:16:29,227
All right, all right.
436
00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,085
I looked at that living
room, and I thought,
437
00:16:31,193 --> 00:16:33,193
"Who could live that way?"
438
00:16:33,331 --> 00:16:36,296
And I had some time,
because the truth is
439
00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:38,642
neither one of us knew
what fish pockets were.
440
00:16:39,883 --> 00:16:42,642
But, eventually,
I figured it out.
441
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,746
Yes, we rearranged
your living room.
442
00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:47,815
But we did not steal a Cezanne.
443
00:16:47,953 --> 00:16:50,022
I suppose I believe them, too.
444
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,160
Well, yes, all right, but...
445
00:16:52,298 --> 00:16:54,022
What kind of people are you?
446
00:16:55,091 --> 00:16:58,298
All of which leaves
Paul and Jamie.
447
00:16:58,436 --> 00:16:59,436
Yes.
448
00:16:59,574 --> 00:17:00,654
Why don't you tell
us what happened
449
00:17:00,678 --> 00:17:02,092
when you went to get the cake?
450
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,229
Sure.
451
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,505
We went in, got the cake,
452
00:17:05,644 --> 00:17:08,368
and on the way out, I ran
my fingers through my hair,
453
00:17:08,506 --> 00:17:09,748
and the earring came off.
454
00:17:11,921 --> 00:17:13,506
Do you believe them? No.
455
00:17:14,437 --> 00:17:15,437
Honey...
456
00:17:15,506 --> 00:17:16,506
Oh, Paul, I...
457
00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:17,921
I think it's just best.
458
00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:19,128
Let's just be honest.
459
00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,542
Okay.
460
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:22,966
First of all, the good news,
461
00:17:22,990 --> 00:17:24,611
we thought the living
room looked great.
462
00:17:24,749 --> 00:17:27,266
But when we got to the
apartment, we felt bad.
463
00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:30,267
I couldn't understand why
the party was going so poorly.
464
00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:32,198
Had I placed too
much emphasis on food,
465
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:35,301
or is it just that, at
bottom, I'm not a giver?
466
00:17:35,439 --> 00:17:37,919
And I was thinking, no matter
what your friends tell you,
467
00:17:38,026 --> 00:17:40,095
on some level, if
your birthday stinks,
468
00:17:40,232 --> 00:17:42,164
they think it's a
reflection on you.
469
00:17:42,302 --> 00:17:44,209
And then I felt a chill
from the open window,
470
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,613
so I got closer
to Paul, and then,
471
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:49,717
I don't know, maybe
because it was illicit,
472
00:17:49,855 --> 00:17:53,096
maybe just as a last
attempt to salvage the night,
473
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:54,717
we started to fool around.
474
00:17:54,855 --> 00:17:57,510
Somewhere along the line,
an earring must have come off.
475
00:17:57,648 --> 00:18:00,027
We made love, is what we did.
476
00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:01,993
We made love, and it was great.
477
00:18:11,752 --> 00:18:12,822
Ohh!
478
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,788
Hal, Maggie, we're very sorry.
479
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:16,684
We may have made
love on your couch...
480
00:18:18,511 --> 00:18:19,511
Probably don't say that.
481
00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:20,891
But we did not steal
482
00:18:21,029 --> 00:18:22,350
your Cezanne. Did
not steal. No, we didn't.
483
00:18:22,374 --> 00:18:24,202
Do you believe them?
484
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:25,340
No.
485
00:18:25,443 --> 00:18:26,547
Paul...
486
00:18:27,823 --> 00:18:29,143
No, no, no, no, no. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
487
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,512
I think we should be honest.
488
00:18:35,099 --> 00:18:36,168
Okay.
489
00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:37,686
Well, we were gonna make love,
490
00:18:37,824 --> 00:18:39,731
but then it struck me,
you know, it's my birthday,
491
00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:42,582
and all anybody's thinking about
is some stupid Chagall painting.
492
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:44,617
And then Jamie said,
"No, it's a Cezanne,"
493
00:18:44,755 --> 00:18:46,652
And I said, "No, I'm
pretty sure it's a Chagall
494
00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:49,180
"Because, Chagall, there's always
cows with the fiddles and everything."
495
00:18:49,204 --> 00:18:51,044
Jamie said, "No, it's
not a cow, it's a horse,"
496
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:53,376
And I said, "Why do you
always have to make me wrong?"
497
00:18:53,514 --> 00:18:55,181
And then she said,
"Somebody might come in,"
498
00:18:55,205 --> 00:18:57,250
and then at this point, I'm
not exactly so excited anymore,
499
00:18:57,274 --> 00:18:59,618
and somewhere in the middle
of that, she lost an earring.
500
00:18:59,756 --> 00:19:01,388
That's what happened.
Is everybody happy now?
501
00:19:01,412 --> 00:19:03,112
That's exactly... That's
the absolute truth.
502
00:19:03,136 --> 00:19:07,446
We wanted to fool around,
but we were woefully unable to.
503
00:19:07,584 --> 00:19:09,584
Now, if nobody minds,
I'm just going to go in there
504
00:19:09,688 --> 00:19:11,068
and die of shame.
505
00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:13,585
Well, that's just grand.
506
00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:15,724
You don't believe them? No.
507
00:19:15,862 --> 00:19:18,275
If you could attempt
copulation on our couch,
508
00:19:18,413 --> 00:19:20,516
you could also
steal a lithograph.
509
00:19:20,655 --> 00:19:22,103
What kind of logic is that?
510
00:19:22,241 --> 00:19:24,862
We, we did not
steal the lithograph.
511
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,310
It's okay, honey.
512
00:19:26,448 --> 00:19:28,379
Hal knows that. What?
513
00:19:28,517 --> 00:19:32,001
Hal, you know exactly
who stole the Cezanne,
514
00:19:32,139 --> 00:19:33,690
don't you? You've
known all along.
515
00:19:33,828 --> 00:19:35,253
I don't know what
you're talking about.
516
00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:36,346
Oh, really?
517
00:19:36,484 --> 00:19:37,484
Excuse me.
518
00:19:39,139 --> 00:19:40,346
You... Okay, Mom,
519
00:19:40,484 --> 00:19:42,001
let me ask you.
520
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,771
When you went in there to
move around the furniture,
521
00:19:43,795 --> 00:19:45,253
was the living room
window open or closed?
522
00:19:45,277 --> 00:19:46,553
Closed. Okay.
523
00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:48,633
I mean, what do you leave
a window open when you...
524
00:19:48,657 --> 00:19:50,554
I understand. We
got it. Thank you.
525
00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:51,967
Okay, it was closed,
526
00:19:52,105 --> 00:19:54,865
which means somebody opened
that window after Mom and Dad,
527
00:19:55,003 --> 00:19:56,416
but before Jamie and me.
528
00:19:57,141 --> 00:19:58,692
And why?
529
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:01,899
Why? Why would someone open
that window on such a cold night?
530
00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,417
To steal that Cezanne.
531
00:20:04,555 --> 00:20:06,244
Isn't that right,
Hal? Certainly not.
532
00:20:06,382 --> 00:20:08,797
But when they climbed
in, they found a table there.
533
00:20:08,935 --> 00:20:10,417
A table they weren't expecting.
534
00:20:10,555 --> 00:20:12,935
A table over which they tumbled,
535
00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:15,831
landing, unless I miss my guess,
536
00:20:15,969 --> 00:20:19,694
right about the spot where Ira
spilled the buffalo wing sauce.
537
00:20:19,832 --> 00:20:21,694
Which is why I believe
538
00:20:21,832 --> 00:20:23,660
your thief, ladies
and gentlemen,
539
00:20:23,798 --> 00:20:26,867
is the person with the
buffalo wing sauce stain
540
00:20:27,005 --> 00:20:28,867
on the seat of their pants.
541
00:20:29,005 --> 00:20:30,725
If everybody would
just turn around, please.
542
00:20:34,281 --> 00:20:35,281
Okay?
543
00:20:39,316 --> 00:20:40,662
J'accuseyou.
544
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,938
I am shocked!
545
00:20:44,075 --> 00:20:45,903
You pretended to
go to the bathroom,
546
00:20:46,041 --> 00:20:47,938
but instead, you held it in.
547
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,397
You didn't go to
the bathroom at all.
548
00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:52,145
You climbed out our fire escape
549
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:55,593
onto your fire escape, climbed
into your apartment window,
550
00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:57,317
fell right in the wing sauce.
551
00:20:57,455 --> 00:21:00,146
Big surprise, cursed a
little bit, I'm gonna guess.
552
00:21:00,283 --> 00:21:02,422
Then you hastened
over to the Cezanne,
553
00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:04,249
cut it right out of its frame,
554
00:21:04,387 --> 00:21:05,594
rolled it up nicely,
555
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,284
re-hastened to the window,
556
00:21:07,422 --> 00:21:10,111
and tossed Mr. Cezanne
into the night.
557
00:21:10,249 --> 00:21:13,112
Admit it. You stole your
own Cezanne, didn't you?
558
00:21:13,250 --> 00:21:14,905
Oh, that's ridiculous!
559
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,088
Why would my
husband... Because you...
560
00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:17,285
All right, all right.
561
00:21:17,423 --> 00:21:19,492
I hated that damn Cezanne.
562
00:21:21,354 --> 00:21:24,388
It was as if your second husband
Hal was hanging on that wall.
563
00:21:24,526 --> 00:21:27,872
A smug little cow looking down
at me every time I passed him,
564
00:21:28,010 --> 00:21:31,217
As if to say, "You're not the
only Hal to pass this way, Hal."
565
00:21:32,182 --> 00:21:33,320
I told you it was a cow.
566
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:34,458
Oh, let it go.
567
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:35,700
Sorry.
568
00:21:35,804 --> 00:21:38,252
I wanted it out.
Out of the house.
569
00:21:38,389 --> 00:21:40,252
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie.
570
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,700
I'm sorry, everyone.
571
00:21:41,838 --> 00:21:44,494
I'm, I'm a child in many ways.
572
00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:47,218
A man-boy, a boy-man.
573
00:21:48,149 --> 00:21:49,494
I'm sorry. I'm...
574
00:21:49,632 --> 00:21:50,632
I'm truly sorry.
575
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:51,874
Oh, Hal.
576
00:21:52,012 --> 00:21:54,495
All right, all right, Hal.
577
00:21:54,633 --> 00:21:56,529
Okay, Hal. All right, Hally?
578
00:21:56,668 --> 00:21:58,737
Hal, buddy?
That's all right, Hal.
579
00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:01,013
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
the mystery is solved.
580
00:22:01,151 --> 00:22:02,511
Paulie, I gotta
say, this is, like,
581
00:22:02,564 --> 00:22:04,004
the best birthday
party you ever had.
582
00:22:04,116 --> 00:22:05,116
Absolutely right.
583
00:22:05,254 --> 00:22:07,013
You know, you gotta
admit, on some level,
584
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:08,151
it's a reflection on me.
585
00:22:08,220 --> 00:22:09,220
Yes, it is.
41846
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.