All language subtitles for Mad About You - S06E17 - The Caper-ing

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,665 Okay. We have 11 hors d'oeuvre trays 2 00:00:06,803 --> 00:00:08,083 and no room in the refrigerator. 3 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,257 You know what we gotta do? 4 00:00:09,286 --> 00:00:10,400 We just gotta pick a weekend, 5 00:00:10,424 --> 00:00:12,217 unplug the phone, and eat jam. 6 00:00:14,563 --> 00:00:16,701 Honey, every year, and this is no reflection on you, 7 00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:18,253 your birthday party stinks. 8 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,046 But it's no reflection on me. 9 00:00:21,184 --> 00:00:22,494 This year we've taken steps. 10 00:00:22,633 --> 00:00:24,322 We got happy birthday decorations, 11 00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,702 we've got very cute festive happy birthday earrings, 12 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,081 and we've got really good hors d'oeuvres! 13 00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:30,736 We're gonna have a great time. 14 00:00:30,874 --> 00:00:33,674 Yeah, and if they don't, just bark at 'em like that, 'cause that helps. 15 00:00:33,805 --> 00:00:35,806 That's the cake. Oh, yeah, the cake. 16 00:00:35,943 --> 00:00:37,668 We may have to borrow a refrigerator. 17 00:00:37,806 --> 00:00:39,206 I'm not gonna borrow a refrigerator. 18 00:00:39,254 --> 00:00:41,265 I'm sure we'll figure out some way to make room. Yeah. 19 00:00:41,289 --> 00:00:42,289 Comin' through! 20 00:00:42,358 --> 00:00:43,358 Ohh... 21 00:00:45,531 --> 00:00:46,944 Okay. That's a big cake. 22 00:00:47,082 --> 00:00:49,048 From what I hear, Paul, your birthday parties 23 00:00:49,186 --> 00:00:50,842 need all the help they can get. 24 00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,152 That's very nice, Marvin. 25 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,301 Do me a favor. Go in the hall, 26 00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:56,497 see if maybe you dropped your tact. 27 00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:59,049 Paulie, your birthday party is not a reflection on you. 28 00:01:00,325 --> 00:01:02,463 Marvin! Don't antagonize the dog. 29 00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:03,601 He started it. 30 00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:04,750 Hey, James, is it all right 31 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,991 if I bring Catherine here tonight? 32 00:01:06,015 --> 00:01:07,497 Marvin! 33 00:01:07,636 --> 00:01:08,636 What? 34 00:01:08,705 --> 00:01:09,705 Who's Catherine, now? 35 00:01:09,843 --> 00:01:11,671 She's new. That's the rich one? 36 00:01:11,808 --> 00:01:12,957 Yeah, you gotta take her to, like, 37 00:01:12,981 --> 00:01:14,395 $100 restaurants every time, 38 00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,533 or she can't digest. 39 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,464 Murray! Bad dog! 40 00:01:19,602 --> 00:01:20,913 Bad guest! 41 00:01:21,051 --> 00:01:22,465 Are you all right? 42 00:01:22,603 --> 00:01:23,992 Pain! Deep pain! Pain in the hand! All right, all right. 43 00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:25,223 Let me just look at it. 44 00:01:25,361 --> 00:01:27,983 Marvin, it's nothing. He barely broke the skin. 45 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,292 Oh, my God! 46 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,328 Has that dog had its shots? 47 00:01:31,465 --> 00:01:33,052 It's Murray. Yeah, he's had his shots. 48 00:01:33,190 --> 00:01:34,710 How about you? Have you had your shots? 49 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:36,777 All right, all right. Settle down. 50 00:01:36,914 --> 00:01:38,269 Marvin, come on. We'll take a look at that hand. 51 00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:39,880 Ooh! Aah! Aah! 52 00:01:40,018 --> 00:01:41,293 Hal and Maggie's. 53 00:01:41,431 --> 00:01:42,466 "Hal and Maggie's" what? 54 00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,764 We'll use their refrigerator. 55 00:01:43,846 --> 00:01:45,260 Hal and Maggie? Really? 56 00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:46,398 Why not? 57 00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:47,708 Well, A, they hate us, 58 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:49,206 and two, they really don't like us. 59 00:01:50,191 --> 00:01:51,467 Just follow my lead. 60 00:01:53,432 --> 00:01:54,432 Yes? Hi! 61 00:01:54,571 --> 00:01:55,571 Hi! 62 00:01:56,364 --> 00:01:57,467 Can I help you? 63 00:01:57,605 --> 00:01:59,125 Uh, well, we hadn't heard back from you 64 00:01:59,261 --> 00:02:00,661 about Paul's birthday party tonight, 65 00:02:00,743 --> 00:02:02,168 so we were just wondering if you were coming. 66 00:02:02,192 --> 00:02:04,392 Yeah, just checkin' up to see, uh, see if you're coming. 67 00:02:05,882 --> 00:02:08,020 You're inviting Hal and me to your birthday party? 68 00:02:08,158 --> 00:02:09,537 Did you not get the invitation? 69 00:02:09,675 --> 00:02:10,675 No. 70 00:02:11,503 --> 00:02:12,503 Oh, my goodness. 71 00:02:12,573 --> 00:02:13,676 Oh, my goodness. 72 00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:17,987 Those... 73 00:02:18,124 --> 00:02:21,573 Those, those bastard postmen. That's what it is. 74 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:26,056 Hal! 75 00:02:26,194 --> 00:02:29,263 The allied forces at Bastogne are surrounded. 76 00:02:32,263 --> 00:02:34,539 Hal, darling, we have company. 77 00:02:35,436 --> 00:02:36,850 Oh. Hello. 78 00:02:36,988 --> 00:02:39,412 Did we receive an invitation to Paul's birthday party tonight? 79 00:02:39,436 --> 00:02:40,575 You're joking, of course. 80 00:02:40,713 --> 00:02:41,954 No, no, no. We sent it. 81 00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,034 Yeah, I can prove it. I have the, I saved the, uh, 82 00:02:44,058 --> 00:02:45,196 I still have the, uh... 83 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,437 We sent it. We did. 84 00:02:48,747 --> 00:02:50,482 Well, if you're not busy, we'd love you to come. 85 00:02:50,506 --> 00:02:51,552 Oh, well, actually, we are... 86 00:02:51,576 --> 00:02:53,299 We'd be delighted! 87 00:02:53,437 --> 00:02:55,265 That's great! We'll see you tonight. 88 00:02:55,403 --> 00:02:57,231 This is a beautiful place, by the way. 89 00:02:57,368 --> 00:03:00,162 God, look at these. Are these linen napkins? Gorgeous napkins. 90 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,197 Yes. I only keep linen ones. 91 00:03:02,335 --> 00:03:03,817 Honey, look at that. Look at that. 92 00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:05,887 Yes, it's a Cezanne lithograph. 93 00:03:06,024 --> 00:03:09,129 I got it in the divorce settlement with my second husband Hal. 94 00:03:09,266 --> 00:03:10,611 Isn't it grand? 95 00:03:10,749 --> 00:03:11,818 It really is. 96 00:03:12,991 --> 00:03:14,647 It really is. Well, we'd better go. 97 00:03:14,784 --> 00:03:16,381 We got hors d'oeuvres all over the house. Yeah. 98 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,336 In fact, do you... 99 00:03:18,474 --> 00:03:20,923 Do, do you have any extra room in your fridge? 100 00:03:21,061 --> 00:03:22,061 In our fridge? Oh, no... 101 00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,370 Of course, we do. 102 00:03:24,406 --> 00:03:26,199 You're a lifesaver. Mmm-uah! 103 00:03:26,337 --> 00:03:27,648 So glad you're coming. 104 00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:29,268 Mmm-uah! Very, very glad. 105 00:03:29,682 --> 00:03:30,682 Ta! 106 00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,165 Not that I'm not in true awe of your skill, 107 00:03:34,302 --> 00:03:35,416 but don't you feel a little dirty now? 108 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,131 We do what we have to do. All right. 109 00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:51,304 So, Catherine... 110 00:03:51,442 --> 00:03:52,718 So, Ira... 111 00:03:54,857 --> 00:03:56,995 Are your cousin's birthday parties always this 112 00:03:57,442 --> 00:03:58,442 punishing? 113 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:00,650 Sadly, yes. 114 00:04:02,305 --> 00:04:04,582 Why do you think that is? 115 00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:06,891 Secretly, I think it's a reflection on him. 116 00:04:07,616 --> 00:04:08,616 Are you having fun? 117 00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:09,823 Oh, yes! Oh, boy. 118 00:04:09,961 --> 00:04:11,478 Good. 119 00:04:11,616 --> 00:04:13,730 What do you say we kick this party in the butt a little bit? 120 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,548 Yeah? What you got in mind? Come here. 121 00:04:15,685 --> 00:04:18,099 Next door, in Hal and Maggie's refrigerator, 122 00:04:18,237 --> 00:04:20,928 we have barbecued buffalo wings. 123 00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:22,075 Well, hold on to your hats. 124 00:04:22,099 --> 00:04:23,100 Just go. 125 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,513 Hello, Paul. 126 00:04:25,652 --> 00:04:26,686 Hey, Marv... 127 00:04:30,549 --> 00:04:32,791 Marvin, what are you doing? Murray barely nipped you. 128 00:04:32,929 --> 00:04:34,791 You look like Stubby, the Gauze King. 129 00:04:36,791 --> 00:04:38,825 I am in tremendous pain, 130 00:04:38,963 --> 00:04:41,481 to say nothing of my mental anguish. 131 00:04:41,619 --> 00:04:43,733 Oh, really? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna sue me now? 132 00:04:43,757 --> 00:04:47,585 Yup, for 1.1 million. You get served the papers on Monday. 133 00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:48,768 Are those double-stuffed mushroom caps? 134 00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:49,792 Get out of there. 135 00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:53,619 Okay. Let the merriment begin. 136 00:04:53,757 --> 00:04:54,792 Buffalo wings, anyone? 137 00:04:54,930 --> 00:04:57,378 No. 138 00:04:57,516 --> 00:04:59,068 Alrighty, then. I tried. 139 00:04:59,206 --> 00:05:00,758 Who doesn't like little buffalo wings? 140 00:05:00,896 --> 00:05:02,241 I know. James, you got, like, a... 141 00:05:02,378 --> 00:05:03,689 Yeah, there you go. 142 00:05:03,827 --> 00:05:05,517 Thank you. Oh, by the way, 143 00:05:05,655 --> 00:05:07,252 did you see that Cezanne they got over there? 144 00:05:07,276 --> 00:05:08,276 Yeah, it's nice. 145 00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:10,276 What time is it? 7:30. 146 00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:12,379 Oh, Sweet Lord Almighty. 147 00:05:13,725 --> 00:05:15,346 Hey, guys. BOTH: Hi! 148 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,483 What's new with you? 149 00:05:16,552 --> 00:05:18,690 Oh, nothin' much. We re-wallpapered. 150 00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:19,828 Really? 151 00:05:19,897 --> 00:05:20,932 Spent way too much. 152 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:22,070 Uh-huh. 153 00:05:22,415 --> 00:05:23,415 Yeah. 154 00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,426 What do you say we get this party goin'? 155 00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:31,105 Oh, please! Come with me. 156 00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,485 Next door, in Hal and Maggie's refrigerator, 157 00:05:33,623 --> 00:05:35,485 you will find authentic 158 00:05:35,623 --> 00:05:37,658 mini-Philadelphia cheese steak sandwiches! 159 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:38,796 Look out! Wow. 160 00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,141 You have insurance, don't you, Paul? 161 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:44,117 Marvin, I have insurance, but that's not the point. 162 00:05:44,141 --> 00:05:45,659 What you're doing, that's wrong. 163 00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:46,797 It's litigious, 164 00:05:46,866 --> 00:05:49,313 and it's, it's icky, frankly. 165 00:05:49,451 --> 00:05:51,417 It makes me think that you're a bad person, 166 00:05:51,555 --> 00:05:53,911 and maybe somebody that I shouldn't have invited to my birthday party. 167 00:05:53,935 --> 00:05:56,004 I love little hot dogs. Get outta there. 168 00:05:56,487 --> 00:05:57,935 Okay, everybody, 169 00:05:58,073 --> 00:06:01,280 authentic Philadelphia mini cheese steak sandwiches. 170 00:06:01,418 --> 00:06:02,418 No. 171 00:06:02,521 --> 00:06:03,561 No, not today. No, thanks. 172 00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:05,315 Hey, did you see that Cezanne? 173 00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,005 Yeah, I know. It's very nice. 174 00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:11,005 Do you think Paul's cruddy birthday parties are a reflection on him? 175 00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:13,212 No! It's her! 176 00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:15,177 At bottom, she's not a giver. 177 00:06:16,695 --> 00:06:18,282 Hey, guys. Are you having fun? 178 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,902 Oh, yeah! Oh, ho, ho! 179 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,695 Good. 180 00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:24,558 So, what's new in the world of Burt and Sylvia? 181 00:06:24,696 --> 00:06:27,178 Well, Burt pledged a fortune 182 00:06:27,316 --> 00:06:28,972 to the Red Cross walkathon. 183 00:06:29,110 --> 00:06:30,248 Really? 184 00:06:30,385 --> 00:06:32,065 He didn't realize that you pledge per mile. 185 00:06:33,696 --> 00:06:34,696 It's so complicated. 186 00:06:34,765 --> 00:06:35,938 In my day, you wrote a check. 187 00:06:36,076 --> 00:06:38,663 What are you talking? This is your day. 188 00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,594 Anyway, we got this terrific little Red Cross penknife. 189 00:06:43,042 --> 00:06:44,042 Huh. 190 00:06:46,491 --> 00:06:48,698 Hey, what would you guys say 191 00:06:48,836 --> 00:06:51,595 if I told you, next door at Hal and Maggie's, 192 00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,249 this is my ace in the hole, 193 00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:55,285 we have fish pockets? 194 00:06:56,733 --> 00:06:57,802 I would say, "wow." 195 00:06:57,940 --> 00:06:59,285 Okay. Come on! 196 00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:01,181 Marvin, according to my insurance, 197 00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:03,906 I am not covered for earthquakes, floods, 198 00:07:04,044 --> 00:07:06,388 or "the misdeeds of God's creatures," 199 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,320 of which Murray is apparently one. 200 00:07:09,217 --> 00:07:10,734 I'm really sorry, Paul. 201 00:07:10,872 --> 00:07:13,112 If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. 202 00:07:14,044 --> 00:07:15,562 Well, uh, and this is just a thought, 203 00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,251 you could drop the lawsuit. 204 00:07:17,389 --> 00:07:19,458 That I cannot do. 205 00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:21,321 Marvin. I love Cajun popcorn. 206 00:07:21,459 --> 00:07:22,504 Well, you're not gettin' any. 207 00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:25,805 Hey, everybody, fish pockets! 208 00:07:25,942 --> 00:07:27,045 No. 209 00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,287 No, thanks. 210 00:07:28,425 --> 00:07:29,874 Did you get a load of that Cezanne? 211 00:07:30,012 --> 00:07:31,150 I saw it. I saw it. 212 00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,150 Lovely party, isn't it? 213 00:07:34,529 --> 00:07:35,529 Grand. 214 00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:37,322 Excuse me. 215 00:07:37,426 --> 00:07:39,806 Mrs. Buchman, do you have a bathroom? 216 00:07:39,944 --> 00:07:40,944 No, I'm afraid not. 217 00:07:41,013 --> 00:07:42,564 Yes, we do. Right through there. 218 00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:45,058 Hey, Murray, come here. Come here. 219 00:07:45,082 --> 00:07:46,323 Kill! Kill! Kill the guest. 220 00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:47,901 What are you doing? That dog's crazy. 221 00:07:48,013 --> 00:07:49,634 No, no, no! Put him in the kitchen. 222 00:07:49,771 --> 00:07:50,851 All right, Murray, get in the kitchen. 223 00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:52,738 Not him. You. Marvin, get in the kitchen. 224 00:07:54,014 --> 00:07:55,083 Come on. Come with me. 225 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,340 We're leaving our own party? 226 00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:57,772 We're gonna get the birthday cake. 227 00:07:57,910 --> 00:07:59,393 Ooh. Birthday cake. 228 00:08:00,531 --> 00:08:01,979 Did I miss anything? 229 00:08:02,117 --> 00:08:03,255 Oh, don't be silly. 230 00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:04,473 Okay, who wants to go home? 231 00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:06,393 What do we do? 232 00:08:06,497 --> 00:08:07,611 We could just make a run for it. 233 00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:09,256 No, no. I got it. This what we do. 234 00:08:09,393 --> 00:08:11,739 We turn all the clocks and our watches ahead two hours. 235 00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:13,360 That way, Paul and James come back, 236 00:08:13,498 --> 00:08:15,956 somebody says, "Oh, my gosh, what happened to the time?" And we blow. 237 00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:17,429 Oh, Ira, you're a big genius. 238 00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:19,878 Hey, hey, Marvin! Change the clock on the microwave. 239 00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:22,016 I heard the whole thing! 240 00:08:22,154 --> 00:08:24,705 Next year, we're just gonna send them a card. 241 00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,843 For us, it's just an honor to be here. 242 00:08:28,154 --> 00:08:29,326 All right, everybody. 243 00:08:30,154 --> 00:08:31,154 Here we go. 244 00:08:31,257 --> 00:08:32,637 Everybody set? Yeah. 245 00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,292 Here we go. Cake time! 246 00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:35,499 Yay! 247 00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,465 Oh, wow! Look at that! 248 00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:40,051 Oh, don't you traditionally have candles on your cake? 249 00:08:40,189 --> 00:08:41,589 Well, you know, after a certain age, 250 00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:43,293 really, you're just startin' a fire. 251 00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:44,983 Oh, let us lend you some candles. 252 00:08:45,121 --> 00:08:46,465 It'll be much more fulfilling. 253 00:08:46,604 --> 00:08:47,845 Great! Thank you. Thank you. 254 00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:49,432 Oh, boy. Gettin' late, huh? 255 00:08:49,569 --> 00:08:50,742 Oh, yeah. 256 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,052 What do you mean? Is that clock right? 257 00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,030 Yeah. Jeez, I think we gotta hit the road, huh? 258 00:08:55,121 --> 00:08:56,570 No, no, no, no. 259 00:08:56,708 --> 00:08:59,466 Just a minute! No one's going anywhere. 260 00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:02,571 Our Cezanne has been stolen. 261 00:09:03,881 --> 00:09:06,122 It's been cut right out of the frame, 262 00:09:06,260 --> 00:09:09,606 and we found this on the floor beneath it. 263 00:09:11,398 --> 00:09:13,434 A happy birthday earring. 264 00:09:14,365 --> 00:09:15,503 Oh, my God. 265 00:09:15,641 --> 00:09:16,710 J'accuse! 266 00:09:26,228 --> 00:09:29,159 Ha ha. Very funny. We stole the Cezanne. 267 00:09:29,297 --> 00:09:32,642 Wait a minute. You two were alone when you went to get the cake, 268 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,160 and that earring, it does speak volumes. 269 00:09:35,297 --> 00:09:37,677 Plus, right now, you need the money! 270 00:09:37,815 --> 00:09:39,175 You know, this is interesting, Ira. 271 00:09:39,263 --> 00:09:42,091 It's very interesting that you would accuse us of stealing. 272 00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:43,585 That's interesting. It's interesting, isn't it? 273 00:09:43,609 --> 00:09:46,092 Oh, it is. That is interesting. It's interesting. 274 00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:47,229 Why is that interesting? 275 00:09:48,436 --> 00:09:50,333 How do we know you didn't steal the Cezanne? 276 00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:51,630 What, me? That's right. Yeah. 277 00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:53,402 You, too. You were in there by yourself. 278 00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:54,919 And you, too, need money. 279 00:09:55,057 --> 00:09:57,264 You said yourself, Catherine is costing you a fortune. 280 00:09:57,402 --> 00:09:58,713 Honey. Hey! 281 00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:00,586 I'm just saying, don't you go pointing a finger. 282 00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:02,093 Plus, you commented on the Cezanne 283 00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:03,448 when you came back from the apartment. 284 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,713 James, I did not steal the painting, all right? 285 00:10:05,851 --> 00:10:06,851 Huh. 286 00:10:07,403 --> 00:10:08,403 Huh. 287 00:10:09,611 --> 00:10:10,956 I'm sure you didn't. 288 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,232 I'm sure you didn't, Ira, but, you know, just... 289 00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:18,232 Just indulge me. Refresh my memory a little bit. 290 00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,990 Specifically, which hors d'oeuvre was it 291 00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,163 that you were sent in there to fetch? 292 00:10:23,301 --> 00:10:26,577 "To fetch." I was sent in to fetch the buffalo wings. 293 00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:28,267 Buffalo wings. 294 00:10:28,371 --> 00:10:31,371 Interesting. Hal, if I might, 295 00:10:31,509 --> 00:10:32,716 Let me see that frame. 296 00:10:32,854 --> 00:10:34,613 All right. Mmm-hmm. 297 00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:39,682 Okay. Hal, would you say that that's some type of sauce? 298 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:42,475 It may be a sauce. 299 00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:47,855 Ira, when you came back from the apartment, 300 00:10:47,993 --> 00:10:50,268 you wiped your hand with a paper towel, did you not? 301 00:10:50,406 --> 00:10:51,717 Yeah. Was it... 302 00:10:56,787 --> 00:10:58,338 This paper towel? 303 00:10:58,476 --> 00:10:59,476 I-I don't know. 304 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,960 Freeze, Ira. You stay right there. 305 00:11:01,098 --> 00:11:02,476 Don't you move. 306 00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:04,649 Maggie, will you please taste the sauce? 307 00:11:04,787 --> 00:11:06,615 I most certainly will not! 308 00:11:07,616 --> 00:11:09,132 All right, will you smell the sauce? 309 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:12,685 Does that sauce match the sauce 310 00:11:12,823 --> 00:11:14,133 on the lithograph frame? 311 00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:15,995 Yes. 312 00:11:17,202 --> 00:11:19,099 Okay, okay, okay. 313 00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:22,202 I'll tell you what happened. I went in to get the wings. 314 00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:24,755 And on the way out, I spilled a little wing sauce. 315 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,409 So I cleaned it up, but after I was done, 316 00:11:27,547 --> 00:11:29,686 I had noticed that the Cezanne was a little tilted, 317 00:11:29,824 --> 00:11:31,203 And, you know, being an art lover, 318 00:11:31,341 --> 00:11:32,996 I-I straightened it up. 319 00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:34,858 I guess I had some sauce on my fingers, 320 00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:37,169 and that's how it got on the frame. 321 00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:39,514 So forgive me if, in my thoughtfulness, 322 00:11:39,652 --> 00:11:41,583 I besmirched anything in any way. 323 00:11:43,446 --> 00:11:46,342 Well, that's a very lovely story, indeed. 324 00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:49,480 But one little detail puzzles me. 325 00:11:52,308 --> 00:11:53,619 Tell us, Ira, 326 00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:58,067 exactly with what did you mitigate the stain? 327 00:11:58,205 --> 00:12:00,205 What? What did you use to clean up the sauce? 328 00:12:00,792 --> 00:12:02,240 Oh, uh, a napkin. 329 00:12:02,378 --> 00:12:03,738 Mmm-hmm, what, what type of napkin? 330 00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:05,861 An absorbent napkin. 331 00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:08,930 I'm saying, was it linen or paper? 332 00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:10,941 It was paper. What, you think I'm gonna clean up a spill 333 00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,275 with nice linen napkins? 334 00:12:13,034 --> 00:12:14,310 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 335 00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:18,793 Maggie... My darling... 336 00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:20,482 Excuse me. 337 00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:22,069 Tell us... 338 00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:25,242 Do you have any paper napkins in your home? 339 00:12:25,380 --> 00:12:26,587 Of course not. 340 00:12:26,725 --> 00:12:27,725 They're for rabble. 341 00:12:29,242 --> 00:12:30,587 So... Excuse me. 342 00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:34,450 So, no paper napkins in their home. 343 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,415 Would you like to tell the truth? 344 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,036 All right, all right, all right. 345 00:12:39,174 --> 00:12:43,175 The truth is, the spill was a little worse than I said. 346 00:12:44,726 --> 00:12:46,761 No matter what I did, I couldn't get it out. 347 00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:49,002 So I moved the table over it. 348 00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:52,313 And I had noticed that the painting was tilted, 349 00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,244 so I straightened it, you know, 350 00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,176 to try to make up for everything. 351 00:12:56,314 --> 00:12:59,003 The part about me not realizing that I had sauce on my fingers? 352 00:12:59,141 --> 00:13:00,969 That was absolutely true. 353 00:13:01,107 --> 00:13:04,107 Hal, Maggie, I would consider it an honor 354 00:13:04,245 --> 00:13:06,073 if you would let me buy you a new rug. 355 00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:08,694 And new napkins, even though, right now, I am 356 00:13:09,486 --> 00:13:10,935 a little short on cash. 357 00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:15,902 But please believe me, I did not steal the Cezanne. 358 00:13:16,591 --> 00:13:17,695 Do you believe him? 359 00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,246 I suppose so. 360 00:13:19,384 --> 00:13:22,971 So, Paul and Jamie did steal the painting. 361 00:13:23,109 --> 00:13:26,936 Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan. 362 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:31,730 Isn't it ironic that you would accuse us of stealing? 363 00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:34,488 It is so ironic. 364 00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:36,972 You and Debbie were also alone in the apartment. 365 00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:38,420 Yessss. 366 00:13:38,558 --> 00:13:41,351 And you, also, professed an admiration for the painting. 367 00:13:41,489 --> 00:13:42,835 They did? I'm saying. 368 00:13:42,973 --> 00:13:46,042 And the two of you are also very short on cash, 369 00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:48,835 because you ran amok re-wallpapering your apartment. 370 00:13:48,973 --> 00:13:51,767 Ah, plus, and this is interesting, 371 00:13:51,904 --> 00:13:53,180 The minute you came back here, 372 00:13:53,318 --> 00:13:54,559 you couldn't wait to leave. 373 00:13:54,698 --> 00:13:57,008 Like you wanted to just get out of town with your loot. 374 00:13:57,146 --> 00:13:59,077 Oh! Just hold it right there. 375 00:13:59,215 --> 00:14:01,526 We went in, we got the sandwiches. 376 00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:03,388 We put them on the dining room table 377 00:14:03,526 --> 00:14:05,284 while we went to look at the Cezanne. 378 00:14:05,422 --> 00:14:07,146 Then we picked them up and left. 379 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:12,975 Well... That's a delicate web woven, Debowwah. 380 00:14:15,802 --> 00:14:19,665 But one, one little detail puzzles me. 381 00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:21,872 You say you put the little mini steak sandwiches 382 00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:23,907 on the dining room table. 383 00:14:24,424 --> 00:14:25,734 Yeah. 384 00:14:25,872 --> 00:14:27,352 Yeah, that, that, that's troubling me. 385 00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:28,872 That, that, that's... 386 00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:30,114 Hal... 387 00:14:30,632 --> 00:14:31,632 Excuse me. 388 00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:36,287 At this moment, would you say there's any room 389 00:14:36,425 --> 00:14:37,804 on your dining room table? 390 00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:39,873 No. No. 391 00:14:40,011 --> 00:14:41,322 No. And why is that? 392 00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,080 What is it that is taking up 393 00:14:43,218 --> 00:14:45,425 pretty much every square inch of your dining table? 394 00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:48,460 The Battle of the Bulge. 395 00:14:51,185 --> 00:14:54,012 The Battle of the Bulge. Hmm... 396 00:14:54,150 --> 00:14:55,841 So... What is wrong with you? Move! Sorry. 397 00:14:55,979 --> 00:15:00,806 So... There was no surface to put any mini steak sandwiches on. 398 00:15:00,944 --> 00:15:02,737 Would you care to revise your story, ladies? 399 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,704 The living room looked odd. 400 00:15:05,841 --> 00:15:08,255 There was this table in the middle of everything. 401 00:15:08,393 --> 00:15:10,186 So when Debbie went and got the sandwiches, 402 00:15:10,324 --> 00:15:12,324 I spruced up a little. 403 00:15:12,462 --> 00:15:14,221 I know, it's none of my business, 404 00:15:14,359 --> 00:15:16,083 but we're on this damn decorating kick, 405 00:15:16,221 --> 00:15:18,601 and, well, I just couldn't help myself. 406 00:15:19,497 --> 00:15:21,015 It was rude and presumptuous... 407 00:15:21,152 --> 00:15:23,188 But we did not steal that Cezanne. 408 00:15:23,325 --> 00:15:25,257 I suppose I believe them. 409 00:15:25,394 --> 00:15:26,532 Mmm. I suppose so. 410 00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:29,119 Which means that the real thief is... 411 00:15:29,257 --> 00:15:31,567 We didn't teach you to steal, Paulie. 412 00:15:31,706 --> 00:15:33,947 Tell us, son, is it our fault? 413 00:15:34,084 --> 00:15:36,913 Or maybe there was perhaps another bad influence 414 00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:38,809 somewhere else in your life. 415 00:15:38,947 --> 00:15:40,361 Who's saying where? 416 00:15:44,430 --> 00:15:46,983 Sylvia, I can't help but raise an eyebrow 417 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,155 at the notion that you would accuse us of stealing. 418 00:15:50,293 --> 00:15:51,638 Can't help but. 419 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,224 You and Burt were also alone in the apartment. 420 00:15:54,362 --> 00:15:56,708 Yesss. And you two also need cash, 421 00:15:56,846 --> 00:15:59,155 Thanks to your goofball philanthropy. 422 00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:01,167 Which you'll tell me later. Yeah, I'll tell you later. 423 00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,811 Oh, and that handy little pocket knife the Red Cross gave you, 424 00:16:03,949 --> 00:16:05,329 a perfect tool for the job. 425 00:16:06,777 --> 00:16:08,156 We went over there, 426 00:16:08,294 --> 00:16:11,329 we got the fish pockets, And we came back. 427 00:16:12,156 --> 00:16:13,225 Really? 428 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,501 Really? 429 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,812 A tidy tale, Sylvia, but it seems to me... 430 00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:18,995 Could you move over a little bit, I... 431 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,744 Sure. 432 00:16:20,881 --> 00:16:23,547 It seems to me you were over there for at least three or four minutes. 433 00:16:23,571 --> 00:16:25,710 Yes. What took so long? 434 00:16:25,848 --> 00:16:27,606 A little crime sidetrack you? 435 00:16:27,744 --> 00:16:29,227 All right, all right. 436 00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,085 I looked at that living room, and I thought, 437 00:16:31,193 --> 00:16:33,193 "Who could live that way?" 438 00:16:33,331 --> 00:16:36,296 And I had some time, because the truth is 439 00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:38,642 neither one of us knew what fish pockets were. 440 00:16:39,883 --> 00:16:42,642 But, eventually, I figured it out. 441 00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,746 Yes, we rearranged your living room. 442 00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:47,815 But we did not steal a Cezanne. 443 00:16:47,953 --> 00:16:50,022 I suppose I believe them, too. 444 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,160 Well, yes, all right, but... 445 00:16:52,298 --> 00:16:54,022 What kind of people are you? 446 00:16:55,091 --> 00:16:58,298 All of which leaves Paul and Jamie. 447 00:16:58,436 --> 00:16:59,436 Yes. 448 00:16:59,574 --> 00:17:00,654 Why don't you tell us what happened 449 00:17:00,678 --> 00:17:02,092 when you went to get the cake? 450 00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,229 Sure. 451 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,505 We went in, got the cake, 452 00:17:05,644 --> 00:17:08,368 and on the way out, I ran my fingers through my hair, 453 00:17:08,506 --> 00:17:09,748 and the earring came off. 454 00:17:11,921 --> 00:17:13,506 Do you believe them? No. 455 00:17:14,437 --> 00:17:15,437 Honey... 456 00:17:15,506 --> 00:17:16,506 Oh, Paul, I... 457 00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:17,921 I think it's just best. 458 00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:19,128 Let's just be honest. 459 00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,542 Okay. 460 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:22,966 First of all, the good news, 461 00:17:22,990 --> 00:17:24,611 we thought the living room looked great. 462 00:17:24,749 --> 00:17:27,266 But when we got to the apartment, we felt bad. 463 00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:30,267 I couldn't understand why the party was going so poorly. 464 00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:32,198 Had I placed too much emphasis on food, 465 00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:35,301 or is it just that, at bottom, I'm not a giver? 466 00:17:35,439 --> 00:17:37,919 And I was thinking, no matter what your friends tell you, 467 00:17:38,026 --> 00:17:40,095 on some level, if your birthday stinks, 468 00:17:40,232 --> 00:17:42,164 they think it's a reflection on you. 469 00:17:42,302 --> 00:17:44,209 And then I felt a chill from the open window, 470 00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,613 so I got closer to Paul, and then, 471 00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:49,717 I don't know, maybe because it was illicit, 472 00:17:49,855 --> 00:17:53,096 maybe just as a last attempt to salvage the night, 473 00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:54,717 we started to fool around. 474 00:17:54,855 --> 00:17:57,510 Somewhere along the line, an earring must have come off. 475 00:17:57,648 --> 00:18:00,027 We made love, is what we did. 476 00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:01,993 We made love, and it was great. 477 00:18:11,752 --> 00:18:12,822 Ohh! 478 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,788 Hal, Maggie, we're very sorry. 479 00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:16,684 We may have made love on your couch... 480 00:18:18,511 --> 00:18:19,511 Probably don't say that. 481 00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:20,891 But we did not steal 482 00:18:21,029 --> 00:18:22,350 your Cezanne. Did not steal. No, we didn't. 483 00:18:22,374 --> 00:18:24,202 Do you believe them? 484 00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:25,340 No. 485 00:18:25,443 --> 00:18:26,547 Paul... 486 00:18:27,823 --> 00:18:29,143 No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. 487 00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,512 I think we should be honest. 488 00:18:35,099 --> 00:18:36,168 Okay. 489 00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:37,686 Well, we were gonna make love, 490 00:18:37,824 --> 00:18:39,731 but then it struck me, you know, it's my birthday, 491 00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:42,582 and all anybody's thinking about is some stupid Chagall painting. 492 00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:44,617 And then Jamie said, "No, it's a Cezanne," 493 00:18:44,755 --> 00:18:46,652 And I said, "No, I'm pretty sure it's a Chagall 494 00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:49,180 "Because, Chagall, there's always cows with the fiddles and everything." 495 00:18:49,204 --> 00:18:51,044 Jamie said, "No, it's not a cow, it's a horse," 496 00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:53,376 And I said, "Why do you always have to make me wrong?" 497 00:18:53,514 --> 00:18:55,181 And then she said, "Somebody might come in," 498 00:18:55,205 --> 00:18:57,250 and then at this point, I'm not exactly so excited anymore, 499 00:18:57,274 --> 00:18:59,618 and somewhere in the middle of that, she lost an earring. 500 00:18:59,756 --> 00:19:01,388 That's what happened. Is everybody happy now? 501 00:19:01,412 --> 00:19:03,112 That's exactly... That's the absolute truth. 502 00:19:03,136 --> 00:19:07,446 We wanted to fool around, but we were woefully unable to. 503 00:19:07,584 --> 00:19:09,584 Now, if nobody minds, I'm just going to go in there 504 00:19:09,688 --> 00:19:11,068 and die of shame. 505 00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:13,585 Well, that's just grand. 506 00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:15,724 You don't believe them? No. 507 00:19:15,862 --> 00:19:18,275 If you could attempt copulation on our couch, 508 00:19:18,413 --> 00:19:20,516 you could also steal a lithograph. 509 00:19:20,655 --> 00:19:22,103 What kind of logic is that? 510 00:19:22,241 --> 00:19:24,862 We, we did not steal the lithograph. 511 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,310 It's okay, honey. 512 00:19:26,448 --> 00:19:28,379 Hal knows that. What? 513 00:19:28,517 --> 00:19:32,001 Hal, you know exactly who stole the Cezanne, 514 00:19:32,139 --> 00:19:33,690 don't you? You've known all along. 515 00:19:33,828 --> 00:19:35,253 I don't know what you're talking about. 516 00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:36,346 Oh, really? 517 00:19:36,484 --> 00:19:37,484 Excuse me. 518 00:19:39,139 --> 00:19:40,346 You... Okay, Mom, 519 00:19:40,484 --> 00:19:42,001 let me ask you. 520 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,771 When you went in there to move around the furniture, 521 00:19:43,795 --> 00:19:45,253 was the living room window open or closed? 522 00:19:45,277 --> 00:19:46,553 Closed. Okay. 523 00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:48,633 I mean, what do you leave a window open when you... 524 00:19:48,657 --> 00:19:50,554 I understand. We got it. Thank you. 525 00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:51,967 Okay, it was closed, 526 00:19:52,105 --> 00:19:54,865 which means somebody opened that window after Mom and Dad, 527 00:19:55,003 --> 00:19:56,416 but before Jamie and me. 528 00:19:57,141 --> 00:19:58,692 And why? 529 00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:01,899 Why? Why would someone open that window on such a cold night? 530 00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,417 To steal that Cezanne. 531 00:20:04,555 --> 00:20:06,244 Isn't that right, Hal? Certainly not. 532 00:20:06,382 --> 00:20:08,797 But when they climbed in, they found a table there. 533 00:20:08,935 --> 00:20:10,417 A table they weren't expecting. 534 00:20:10,555 --> 00:20:12,935 A table over which they tumbled, 535 00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:15,831 landing, unless I miss my guess, 536 00:20:15,969 --> 00:20:19,694 right about the spot where Ira spilled the buffalo wing sauce. 537 00:20:19,832 --> 00:20:21,694 Which is why I believe 538 00:20:21,832 --> 00:20:23,660 your thief, ladies and gentlemen, 539 00:20:23,798 --> 00:20:26,867 is the person with the buffalo wing sauce stain 540 00:20:27,005 --> 00:20:28,867 on the seat of their pants. 541 00:20:29,005 --> 00:20:30,725 If everybody would just turn around, please. 542 00:20:34,281 --> 00:20:35,281 Okay? 543 00:20:39,316 --> 00:20:40,662 J'accuseyou. 544 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,938 I am shocked! 545 00:20:44,075 --> 00:20:45,903 You pretended to go to the bathroom, 546 00:20:46,041 --> 00:20:47,938 but instead, you held it in. 547 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,397 You didn't go to the bathroom at all. 548 00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:52,145 You climbed out our fire escape 549 00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:55,593 onto your fire escape, climbed into your apartment window, 550 00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:57,317 fell right in the wing sauce. 551 00:20:57,455 --> 00:21:00,146 Big surprise, cursed a little bit, I'm gonna guess. 552 00:21:00,283 --> 00:21:02,422 Then you hastened over to the Cezanne, 553 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:04,249 cut it right out of its frame, 554 00:21:04,387 --> 00:21:05,594 rolled it up nicely, 555 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,284 re-hastened to the window, 556 00:21:07,422 --> 00:21:10,111 and tossed Mr. Cezanne into the night. 557 00:21:10,249 --> 00:21:13,112 Admit it. You stole your own Cezanne, didn't you? 558 00:21:13,250 --> 00:21:14,905 Oh, that's ridiculous! 559 00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,088 Why would my husband... Because you... 560 00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:17,285 All right, all right. 561 00:21:17,423 --> 00:21:19,492 I hated that damn Cezanne. 562 00:21:21,354 --> 00:21:24,388 It was as if your second husband Hal was hanging on that wall. 563 00:21:24,526 --> 00:21:27,872 A smug little cow looking down at me every time I passed him, 564 00:21:28,010 --> 00:21:31,217 As if to say, "You're not the only Hal to pass this way, Hal." 565 00:21:32,182 --> 00:21:33,320 I told you it was a cow. 566 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:34,458 Oh, let it go. 567 00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:35,700 Sorry. 568 00:21:35,804 --> 00:21:38,252 I wanted it out. Out of the house. 569 00:21:38,389 --> 00:21:40,252 Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie. 570 00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,700 I'm sorry, everyone. 571 00:21:41,838 --> 00:21:44,494 I'm, I'm a child in many ways. 572 00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:47,218 A man-boy, a boy-man. 573 00:21:48,149 --> 00:21:49,494 I'm sorry. I'm... 574 00:21:49,632 --> 00:21:50,632 I'm truly sorry. 575 00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:51,874 Oh, Hal. 576 00:21:52,012 --> 00:21:54,495 All right, all right, Hal. 577 00:21:54,633 --> 00:21:56,529 Okay, Hal. All right, Hally? 578 00:21:56,668 --> 00:21:58,737 Hal, buddy? That's all right, Hal. 579 00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:01,013 Well, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery is solved. 580 00:22:01,151 --> 00:22:02,511 Paulie, I gotta say, this is, like, 581 00:22:02,564 --> 00:22:04,004 the best birthday party you ever had. 582 00:22:04,116 --> 00:22:05,116 Absolutely right. 583 00:22:05,254 --> 00:22:07,013 You know, you gotta admit, on some level, 584 00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:08,151 it's a reflection on me. 585 00:22:08,220 --> 00:22:09,220 Yes, it is. 41846

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