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1
00:00:02,848 --> 00:00:04,813
Oh. Who's that? Hmm?
2
00:00:04,951 --> 00:00:06,400
Who's it in that picture?
3
00:00:06,537 --> 00:00:08,228
Is it Las Vegas
legend Buddy Hackett?
4
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,090
No.
5
00:00:11,159 --> 00:00:12,159
It's you!
6
00:00:12,297 --> 00:00:13,537
Look at that!
7
00:00:13,675 --> 00:00:16,159
It's you. It's future
phi beta kappa,
8
00:00:16,297 --> 00:00:18,365
Nobel laureate,
Pulitzer prize-winning,
9
00:00:18,503 --> 00:00:20,204
President of the United
States Mabel Buchman.
10
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:21,434
What do you think of that?
11
00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,020
I'm gonna do it. What's that?
12
00:00:23,159 --> 00:00:24,439
The photo album,
I'm gonna do it.
13
00:00:24,503 --> 00:00:25,813
Who said you weren't?
14
00:00:25,951 --> 00:00:27,055
So quit hocking me.
15
00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:29,158
Okay.
16
00:00:29,227 --> 00:00:30,227
Are you okay?
17
00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:31,606
I'm fine. Just really dreading
18
00:00:31,744 --> 00:00:33,055
going to this play tonight.
19
00:00:33,192 --> 00:00:34,468
Ah, come on, it's for charity.
20
00:00:34,606 --> 00:00:36,513
All right, stop it. Please
stop saying it's for charity
21
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,019
like that puts some
happy face on it.
22
00:00:39,158 --> 00:00:40,158
Okay.
23
00:00:40,227 --> 00:00:42,950
I'm having a hair problem.
24
00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:44,606
I'm having a clothing problem,
25
00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:47,468
because suddenly I'm shaped
like a Dr. Seuss character.
26
00:00:47,606 --> 00:00:49,641
So I'm not dying to be
seen in public right now.
27
00:00:49,779 --> 00:00:50,823
All right, you know, sweetie,
28
00:00:50,847 --> 00:00:52,399
it's gonna be three
painless hours.
29
00:00:52,537 --> 00:00:54,572
It's Pirates of Penzance
performed by your parents.
30
00:00:56,399 --> 00:00:58,674
Three Excruciating hours,
but look at it this way,
31
00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:01,572
you'll get to enjoy the
magnificent stage direction
32
00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:02,812
of your husband.
33
00:01:02,950 --> 00:01:04,410
I don't know why you
put yourself through it.
34
00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:05,640
Because I'm very charitable.
35
00:01:05,778 --> 00:01:07,685
And you know what? In
fact, I got the final rehearsal
36
00:01:07,709 --> 00:01:08,754
in half an hour,
so if you don't...
37
00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:09,788
Oh, God! What are you doing?
38
00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:11,158
Oh, God.
39
00:01:11,296 --> 00:01:12,502
What are you doing?
40
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,640
I'm editing.
41
00:01:13,778 --> 00:01:15,123
Honey, honey, these... these...
42
00:01:15,261 --> 00:01:16,719
Is this really what I
looked like in the hospital?
43
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,571
Not at all. No.
44
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:21,640
Not at all?
45
00:01:21,743 --> 00:01:23,467
No. No, that... First of all,
46
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,536
that's a crappy
lens I was using.
47
00:01:25,674 --> 00:01:27,571
And the lighting
was... It was terrible.
48
00:01:27,709 --> 00:01:28,823
And, you know,
the hospital gowns,
49
00:01:28,847 --> 00:01:30,305
they give you that
little horizontal pattern?
50
00:01:30,329 --> 00:01:31,788
You don't recognize
it but in photographs,
51
00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:32,812
it brings your eye
52
00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:34,356
side to side to
side to side to side.
53
00:01:36,536 --> 00:01:37,536
You are charitable.
54
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,916
Sure.
55
00:01:39,053 --> 00:01:41,213
Oh, sweetie, come on,
don't... don't tear the pictures.
56
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:42,892
Do you really want to
tear up all your memories?
57
00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:44,191
Look at the ass on me there.
58
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,398
Look. Look at that one. Ugh.
59
00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:50,812
I look like one of
those little dolls
60
00:01:50,949 --> 00:01:52,053
with the hair that sticks,
61
00:01:52,191 --> 00:01:53,871
you know, you play
with them for good luck.
62
00:01:53,984 --> 00:01:55,104
What is wrong with my brain?
63
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,640
There's nothing
wrong with your brain.
64
00:01:56,777 --> 00:01:58,398
Where's my book? What book?
65
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,064
The book I was reading
when I went into labor,
66
00:02:00,088 --> 00:02:01,226
with the bridges,
67
00:02:01,364 --> 00:02:02,846
the frisky lady on the farm.
68
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:03,984
With the bridges and...
69
00:02:04,053 --> 00:02:05,053
I got no brain!
70
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,512
Can I... Can I just
say something?
71
00:02:07,536 --> 00:02:08,708
Where the hell is Fran?
72
00:02:08,846 --> 00:02:10,126
Do you remember
what Sheila said?
73
00:02:10,191 --> 00:02:12,157
A lot of new moms, you
know, it's very common
74
00:02:12,295 --> 00:02:13,949
to have a sort of a
postpartum depression.
75
00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:15,742
Stop it! Stop it right there.
76
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,088
Kindly do not reduce me
77
00:02:17,226 --> 00:02:19,742
to some dime-store
psychological cliche.
78
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,397
No, I'm not. I'm just say...
79
00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:23,215
Postpartum depression
is about unhappiness,
80
00:02:23,295 --> 00:02:25,949
mood swings, anxiety,
and weepiness, okay?
81
00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:29,466
I see your point.
82
00:02:30,673 --> 00:02:31,673
Trolls! What?
83
00:02:31,708 --> 00:02:33,259
The... with the...
84
00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:34,880
Trolls. Trolls. Good for you.
85
00:02:35,018 --> 00:02:36,880
Look at that, sweetie, huh? Hey.
86
00:02:37,018 --> 00:02:38,639
Come in for, like,
11 hours, would you?
87
00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:40,466
Everything okay?
88
00:02:40,604 --> 00:02:41,724
Well, I have nothing to read
89
00:02:41,811 --> 00:02:42,891
during my hair appointment,
90
00:02:43,017 --> 00:02:45,432
which, what's the point?
Ever since Arturo left,
91
00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:47,170
I should've just
bought a big, stupid hat
92
00:02:47,294 --> 00:02:48,294
and sewn it to my head.
93
00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,121
Okay, here's what
you don't know.
94
00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:52,639
Arturo's back.
95
00:02:52,777 --> 00:02:54,983
What? He is back, baby.
96
00:02:55,121 --> 00:02:56,270
Yeah, but I'm not gonna see him.
97
00:02:56,294 --> 00:02:57,494
I'm seeing Julio, the butcher.
98
00:02:58,708 --> 00:02:59,810
I switched you.
99
00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:01,741
How did you do that?
100
00:03:01,879 --> 00:03:02,879
I'm a mover and a shaker,
101
00:03:02,914 --> 00:03:04,604
so I moved in, and I shook.
102
00:03:05,845 --> 00:03:07,052
I love you! I know.
103
00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:08,397
Oh, I love you!
104
00:03:08,535 --> 00:03:09,535
Good.
105
00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:10,914
You! I love you!
106
00:03:13,156 --> 00:03:15,087
I love everybody.
107
00:03:15,225 --> 00:03:17,569
Okay, you should
go. I'm on Mabel duty.
108
00:03:17,707 --> 00:03:19,363
Mabel. I love Mabel.
109
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,638
Sure, you do.
110
00:03:20,776 --> 00:03:21,948
Hey, my book.
111
00:03:22,087 --> 00:03:23,087
Now, look at that.
112
00:03:25,052 --> 00:03:26,534
This is gonna be a good day.
113
00:03:26,672 --> 00:03:27,672
You bet it is.
114
00:03:28,638 --> 00:03:30,672
Postpartum depression. Pah.
115
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:31,845
Pah!
116
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,362
♪ Hold, monsters
117
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,879
♪ Ere your pirate
caravans proceed
118
00:03:47,189 --> 00:03:49,500
Paul was right to
choose her and not me.
119
00:03:49,638 --> 00:03:50,638
What an instrument.
120
00:03:53,051 --> 00:03:54,293
What? Nothing.
121
00:03:54,431 --> 00:03:55,431
Mrs. Buchman,
122
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,929
may I see you for
a moment, please?
123
00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:00,648
Would you let it go already
about not getting the part?
124
00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:02,741
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
125
00:04:02,878 --> 00:04:04,120
She's doing her best.
126
00:04:04,258 --> 00:04:06,062
She doesn't need to be
heckled by her own handmaidens.
127
00:04:06,086 --> 00:04:07,086
Fine.
128
00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:09,189
Thank you very much.
129
00:04:09,327 --> 00:04:10,327
Sorry, everybody.
130
00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:11,775
All right, Mrs. Sass, please.
131
00:04:13,602 --> 00:04:15,568
♪ Hold, monsters
132
00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:18,637
♪ Ere your pirate
caravans proceed
133
00:04:18,775 --> 00:04:20,464
♪ Against our will
134
00:04:20,602 --> 00:04:22,568
♪ To wed us all
135
00:04:22,706 --> 00:04:24,155
♪ Just bear in mind
136
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,913
♪ That we are wards in chancery
137
00:04:27,051 --> 00:04:31,016
♪ And father is a major-general
138
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,086
♪ I am the very model
139
00:04:44,223 --> 00:04:46,637
♪ Of a modern major-general
140
00:04:46,775 --> 00:04:49,947
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal, and...
141
00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:52,430
What do I say?
142
00:04:52,568 --> 00:04:53,809
Already you're lost?
143
00:04:53,946 --> 00:04:56,637
You got 4,000 words
coming up here.
144
00:04:58,602 --> 00:04:59,602
It's, uh...
145
00:04:59,671 --> 00:05:00,671
Hold on a second.
146
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:02,085
Mr. Edlin, Mr. Edlin.
147
00:05:04,361 --> 00:05:05,361
Um...
148
00:05:05,843 --> 00:05:06,843
Okay.
149
00:05:06,946 --> 00:05:09,119
You come out, you say,
150
00:05:09,257 --> 00:05:10,464
♪ I've information, vegetable,
151
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,602
♪ Animal and mineral
152
00:05:12,015 --> 00:05:13,015
Mineral!
153
00:05:13,085 --> 00:05:14,085
Of course.
154
00:05:14,154 --> 00:05:15,154
All right.
155
00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:16,533
Here we go.
156
00:05:26,188 --> 00:05:27,981
♪ I am the very model
157
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,257
♪ Of a modern major-general
158
00:05:30,394 --> 00:05:33,188
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
159
00:05:33,325 --> 00:05:34,912
♪ And mineral
160
00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:36,705
♪ I know the kings of England
161
00:05:36,843 --> 00:05:39,085
♪ And I quote
the fights hysterical
162
00:05:40,015 --> 00:05:41,877
Whoa, whoa, hold
on, hold on, Pop.
163
00:05:42,015 --> 00:05:43,232
Let me just correct
you there a second.
164
00:05:43,256 --> 00:05:44,946
What is it now? Sorry
to bother you again.
165
00:05:45,085 --> 00:05:46,085
Hang on a second.
166
00:05:56,912 --> 00:05:58,187
It's, uh...
167
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,285
It's "fights historical,"
not "fights hysterical."
168
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:01,636
Really? Yeah.
169
00:06:01,774 --> 00:06:03,254
Oh, I think it should
be "hysterical."
170
00:06:04,153 --> 00:06:05,233
What are you talking about?
171
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,163
Well, you're in a fight,
you're running around,
172
00:06:07,187 --> 00:06:08,773
you're stabbing people.
173
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:09,911
You're hysterical!
174
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,153
You make a very good point.
175
00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:13,911
Mr. Edlin,
anti-exertion, please?
176
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:15,980
Thank you.
177
00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:25,807
Ahh, how are my two beauties?
178
00:06:25,945 --> 00:06:28,256
Wonderful, Arturo. I can't
wait for you to fix me up,
179
00:06:28,394 --> 00:06:29,566
you genius, you.
180
00:06:29,704 --> 00:06:31,187
Jamie, I am not a genius.
181
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,084
I merely liberate the beauty
that is already within you.
182
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,635
Okay, be more charming.
183
00:06:36,773 --> 00:06:37,842
No, it's true.
184
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,460
I cannot help but
see the gorgeousness
185
00:06:39,497 --> 00:06:40,876
whether you're a young sapling
186
00:06:41,014 --> 00:06:42,054
Just starting out in life,
187
00:06:42,118 --> 00:06:44,084
or a maturing oak,
188
00:06:44,221 --> 00:06:46,324
whose leaves are
beginning to turn.
189
00:06:51,324 --> 00:06:52,324
Arturo.
190
00:06:52,393 --> 00:06:53,393
I walk away.
191
00:06:58,945 --> 00:07:00,704
This is my practice hair.
192
00:07:06,083 --> 00:07:07,083
I'm sorry?
193
00:07:07,738 --> 00:07:08,910
For my wedding.
194
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,875
My boyfriend...
195
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:14,324
My fiancé Russell and
I are getting married.
196
00:07:14,462 --> 00:07:15,462
Congratulations.
197
00:07:15,566 --> 00:07:16,737
We're very happy.
198
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:18,737
Good for you.
199
00:07:18,875 --> 00:07:19,875
Are you married?
200
00:07:19,979 --> 00:07:20,979
Oh, yeah.
201
00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,255
Yep.
202
00:07:24,393 --> 00:07:26,186
I'm married.
203
00:07:26,324 --> 00:07:27,428
You betcha.
204
00:07:27,910 --> 00:07:28,910
Mm-hmm.
205
00:07:28,944 --> 00:07:31,013
And he's great. He really is.
206
00:07:31,461 --> 00:07:32,668
He tries.
207
00:07:32,806 --> 00:07:34,013
Especially with the kid.
208
00:07:34,152 --> 00:07:35,875
Oh, he cleans up a mess or two,
209
00:07:36,013 --> 00:07:37,186
Here and there,
210
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:38,644
and I'm supposed to give
him a standing ovation.
211
00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:41,599
Thank you. Oh, thank you!
212
00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:44,217
While I'm stuck here all day
cleaning up projectile everything,
213
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,599
but you, go, go,
214
00:07:45,737 --> 00:07:47,254
Off to work on your film,
215
00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:48,992
putting together the
oldest possible cast
216
00:07:49,117 --> 00:07:50,117
Of pirates of penzance.
217
00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:51,772
Mmm, gotta go, it's for charity.
218
00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:53,083
See you later.
219
00:07:57,116 --> 00:07:58,196
So I get half an hour here,
220
00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,260
before I have to race home
221
00:07:59,358 --> 00:08:01,427
so that his daughter
can actually suck on me.
222
00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:04,806
Fifteen times a day.
223
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,230
I don't have enough
energy to use a q-tip,
224
00:08:06,254 --> 00:08:07,644
let alone put together
a photo album,
225
00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:10,047
featuring me and
my magic stomach.
226
00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,289
Your body? Ho ho.
No, no. That's over.
227
00:08:12,427 --> 00:08:14,771
That's just gone forever,
which is fine, actually,
228
00:08:14,909 --> 00:08:17,403
'cause it's not like you ever want
him to touch you again anyway.
229
00:08:17,427 --> 00:08:19,547
I'd just as soon stab his
eyes out with a shrimp fork.
230
00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:27,223
How many bridesmaids you having?
231
00:08:41,426 --> 00:08:43,185
♪ I am the very model
232
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,288
♪ Of a modern major-general
233
00:08:45,426 --> 00:08:47,874
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
234
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,391
♪ And mineral
235
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,529
♪ I know the kings of England
236
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:54,633
♪ And I quote
the fights historical
237
00:08:54,771 --> 00:08:56,840
♪ From marathon to waterloo
238
00:08:56,978 --> 00:08:58,529
♪ In order categorical
239
00:08:58,667 --> 00:08:59,667
Good, Pop.
240
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,667
I know! I can't believe it.
241
00:09:01,805 --> 00:09:02,805
Tell me later.
242
00:09:03,150 --> 00:09:04,633
Um...
243
00:09:04,771 --> 00:09:07,288
♪ I'm very well-acquainted, too
244
00:09:07,426 --> 00:09:09,633
♪ With matters mathematical
245
00:09:09,771 --> 00:09:11,322
♪ I understand equations
246
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,942
♪ Both the simple
and quadratical
247
00:09:14,081 --> 00:09:15,771
♪ About binomial theorem
248
00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:18,942
♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news
249
00:09:19,081 --> 00:09:20,839
♪ With many cheerful facts
250
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:25,115
♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse
251
00:09:25,253 --> 00:09:26,608
With many cheerful facts
252
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,942
♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse ♪
253
00:09:29,081 --> 00:09:30,873
Good. That was good.
That was great, Pop.
254
00:09:31,942 --> 00:09:33,046
That was very good.
255
00:09:33,184 --> 00:09:34,184
Hang on one second.
256
00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:35,539
One little... hang
on one second.
257
00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:37,426
One little thing...
Hold it just one second.
258
00:09:41,701 --> 00:09:42,770
You're supposed to be...
259
00:09:42,908 --> 00:09:44,219
Mr. Edlin!
260
00:09:44,356 --> 00:09:45,425
Thank you, thank you.
261
00:09:50,115 --> 00:09:51,115
Sorry.
262
00:09:52,115 --> 00:09:53,942
When you get to "lot o' news,"
263
00:09:54,081 --> 00:09:56,425
you can't find a word
that rhymes right away.
264
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,123
What you want to
do is think about it...
265
00:09:58,149 --> 00:09:59,149
♪ A lot o' news ♪
266
00:09:59,218 --> 00:10:00,218
♪ A lot o' news ♪
267
00:10:00,321 --> 00:10:01,539
Like in your mind
you're thinking,
268
00:10:01,563 --> 00:10:02,642
what rhymes with "lot o' news"?
269
00:10:02,666 --> 00:10:04,735
Then you realize...
♪ hypotenuse ♪
270
00:10:04,873 --> 00:10:06,321
But I don't have
to think about it.
271
00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:08,139
The guy who wrote
it had to think about it.
272
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,528
Of course, yes.
But in the story,
273
00:10:11,666 --> 00:10:13,976
the idea is that the
character is making it up
274
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,986
As he goes along, so
he's got to think about it.
275
00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:17,597
That's it. That's why. Come on.
276
00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:18,907
That's what it is.
277
00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:21,321
What do you know?
278
00:10:21,425 --> 00:10:22,425
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
279
00:10:22,528 --> 00:10:24,494
But you did great.
You're just doing great.
280
00:10:24,632 --> 00:10:27,356
Pirates, very spirited.
Really very good.
281
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,287
And maidens, just...
282
00:10:29,425 --> 00:10:31,494
Demure and yet fetching.
283
00:10:32,218 --> 00:10:33,596
Yes.
284
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:34,848
It's wonderful. I'll tell you,
285
00:10:34,872 --> 00:10:36,907
I, for one, I smell
a hit, people.
286
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,769
Wow, that's a great haircut.
287
00:10:44,907 --> 00:10:46,010
I left before the haircut.
288
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,252
Well... Okay.
289
00:10:49,389 --> 00:10:51,389
So, guess what I
did on the way home.
290
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,941
I stopped off to see
2 old friends of ours.
291
00:10:55,562 --> 00:10:56,769
Ben and jerry!
292
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,493
Yes!
293
00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:01,562
Hello, boys, how you been?
294
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:02,872
Yeah.
295
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,803
The world's best vanilla.
296
00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:06,079
Oh, you really are.
297
00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:07,217
Yes!
298
00:11:07,286 --> 00:11:08,286
Chubby hubby.
299
00:11:08,355 --> 00:11:09,769
And yet I bought it.
300
00:11:09,907 --> 00:11:11,148
You are a good man.
301
00:11:11,286 --> 00:11:13,355
I understand. All
right, so listen to this.
302
00:11:13,493 --> 00:11:14,572
We get through the first act
303
00:11:14,596 --> 00:11:16,320
in a blazing five
and a half hours.
304
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,906
All right, so I'm thrilled,
305
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:19,389
I'm delighted.
306
00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:20,778
I'm leaving you for Ben.
I hope you understand.
307
00:11:20,802 --> 00:11:25,148
Fine. So then, Mrs. Sass,
the ingenue in the piece,
308
00:11:25,286 --> 00:11:26,320
she gets a phone call.
309
00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:27,538
She comes back
from the phone call.
310
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,562
She says, "I have
to quit the show."
311
00:11:29,699 --> 00:11:31,744
She quits four hours before
the curtain. You believe this?
312
00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,940
So, I don't know,
some cockamamie thing
313
00:11:34,079 --> 00:11:35,837
about her daughter who
canceled her wedding
314
00:11:35,975 --> 00:11:37,335
because she was
in a beauty parlor,
315
00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:38,906
and some lunatic
woman. I don't know.
316
00:11:39,044 --> 00:11:40,217
Said something to her.
317
00:11:43,802 --> 00:11:46,217
I mean, it's like the craziest
thing you ever heard.
318
00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:47,768
You gotta be kidding me.
319
00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:50,009
So now I gotta eat
some ice cream,
320
00:11:50,148 --> 00:11:52,308
I gotta run back, I gotta
beg my mother to do the part.
321
00:11:52,388 --> 00:11:54,802
That's gonna be another
mallet to the kneecap
322
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,561
of an already
limping production.
323
00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:01,699
Aw, sweetie, it's
okay. It's just a play.
324
00:12:04,147 --> 00:12:06,157
What, you're slowing down
on your chubby hubby there.
325
00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:07,457
What's the matter?
326
00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:09,354
I don't deserve chubby hubby.
327
00:12:09,492 --> 00:12:10,847
Sure you do. Hey,
try some of this.
328
00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:12,871
I don't deserve the
world's best vanilla.
329
00:12:13,008 --> 00:12:14,848
Yeah, sure you... Why,
because of the calories?
330
00:12:14,974 --> 00:12:16,595
No, because I'm a bad person.
331
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:19,181
What's that supposed to
mean about the calories?
332
00:12:19,319 --> 00:12:21,295
No, no, nothing. I knew it was
because you were a bad person.
333
00:12:21,319 --> 00:12:22,319
Give me that.
334
00:12:22,423 --> 00:12:23,468
I wasn't actually finished.
335
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,078
It's 20,000 calories.
336
00:12:25,216 --> 00:12:27,181
This stuff is eating me alive!
337
00:12:28,974 --> 00:12:29,974
You know what?
338
00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:31,423
Who needs it? I don't need it.
339
00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:33,595
Okay.
340
00:12:33,732 --> 00:12:34,772
I have to get out of here.
341
00:12:34,836 --> 00:12:36,732
Let's go in the
living room, huh?
342
00:12:36,870 --> 00:12:39,663
Raise Mabel well, and tell
her a lot of stories about me.
343
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,905
What are you talking about?
344
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:43,181
I like you. You're a
nice man. You really are.
345
00:12:43,319 --> 00:12:45,079
I'm sorry it didn't work
out. I blame myself.
346
00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:48,939
There's $200 hidden
in the Al Franken book.
347
00:12:49,078 --> 00:12:50,905
Listen, you cannot
walk out the door.
348
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,043
Ha.
349
00:12:52,112 --> 00:12:53,767
Honey, honey, let
me just say I'm sorry.
350
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,078
I'm really... I'm very sorry.
351
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,767
About what?
352
00:12:57,905 --> 00:12:59,465
See, that I couldn't
tell you. Good-bye.
353
00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:02,078
You can't... you can't leave.
354
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,249
You're a mother now.
355
00:13:03,387 --> 00:13:05,732
I'm a lunatic. I'm
a loose cannon.
356
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:07,363
Trust me, everybody
will be better off.
357
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,594
You're not a lunatic.
358
00:13:08,732 --> 00:13:11,077
Listen, you are the heart
and soul of this operation.
359
00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:13,111
You're the backbone.
You cannot leave.
360
00:13:16,249 --> 00:13:17,249
You're right. Get out.
361
00:13:18,284 --> 00:13:19,284
What?
362
00:13:19,387 --> 00:13:20,387
Go on, beat it.
363
00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:21,605
I'm sick of the sight of you.
364
00:13:21,629 --> 00:13:23,456
Hey, look what some psycho did.
365
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,111
This stuff's like
$6.00 a carton.
366
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,594
Uh-oh.
367
00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:41,111
A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
368
00:13:41,249 --> 00:13:42,869
A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
369
00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:44,731
A, e, ah, oh...
370
00:13:44,869 --> 00:13:45,938
You okay, Pop?
371
00:13:46,077 --> 00:13:48,697
I'm okay. I'm just
doing my vocal exercise.
372
00:13:48,835 --> 00:13:50,593
You know, the
vowel sounds. Good.
373
00:13:50,731 --> 00:13:52,318
A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
374
00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:53,835
And sometimes "y."
375
00:13:53,973 --> 00:13:55,146
"Y."
376
00:13:55,904 --> 00:13:57,662
All right, very good.
377
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,077
All right, just the
person I'm looking for.
378
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,215
Forget it.
379
00:14:01,352 --> 00:14:02,352
Oh, come on, ma.
380
00:14:02,421 --> 00:14:03,742
You know you
want to play the part.
381
00:14:03,766 --> 00:14:05,317
Once, maybe. Not anymore.
382
00:14:06,904 --> 00:14:07,973
Look, you know what, ma?
383
00:14:08,111 --> 00:14:09,662
Let me explain to you.
384
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,283
I would've made a
wonderful pirate queen.
385
00:14:12,421 --> 00:14:15,869
I would've known my lines
backwards and forwards.
386
00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:17,524
If you had cast me.
387
00:14:17,662 --> 00:14:18,662
But you didn't.
388
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:21,800
And now, do you
think David O. Selznick
389
00:14:21,937 --> 00:14:23,317
Went up to Vivian Leigh
390
00:14:23,455 --> 00:14:25,317
five Minutes
before the civil war
391
00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,903
and asked her if she wanted
to be in Gone With the Wind?
392
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:30,937
You know what? If you
don't want to do it, fine.
393
00:14:31,076 --> 00:14:33,524
I'm gonna go over
and ask Mrs. Menken.
394
00:14:33,662 --> 00:14:36,937
Don't do that to her. She's
nervous enough already.
395
00:14:37,696 --> 00:14:38,696
All right, Mrs. Emsh.
396
00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:39,730
No!
397
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,799
She has to keep
her feet elevated.
398
00:14:43,214 --> 00:14:44,654
Fine, you know what
I'm gonna do, ma?
399
00:14:44,730 --> 00:14:46,770
I'm gonna go out there,
and I am going to apologize,
400
00:14:46,799 --> 00:14:49,317
and I'm going to explain to
the nice people in the audience
401
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,214
and to the little
sisters of the blind
402
00:14:51,352 --> 00:14:53,283
that, go home, everybody,
403
00:14:53,421 --> 00:14:55,592
there will be no
performance tonight.
404
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:56,730
All right.
405
00:14:58,937 --> 00:15:00,041
What? I'll do it.
406
00:15:00,179 --> 00:15:02,179
I'll be your pirate queen.
407
00:15:02,316 --> 00:15:03,558
Really?
408
00:15:03,696 --> 00:15:06,110
Yeah, I'll tape the lines
to Mr. Balsky's parrot.
409
00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:10,006
See? Where there's
a will, there's a way.
410
00:15:10,145 --> 00:15:11,316
But only because
411
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:12,972
I don't want my son to look bad.
412
00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:14,213
You're a wonderful person.
413
00:15:14,351 --> 00:15:16,868
Just promise me I
won't humiliate myself.
414
00:15:17,006 --> 00:15:18,420
Yukka yukka yukka.
415
00:15:18,558 --> 00:15:20,109
Yukka yukka yukka yukka.
416
00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:22,489
I don't think you have
to worry about that, ma.
417
00:15:28,005 --> 00:15:29,799
You know, you pour
your life into a child.
418
00:15:29,936 --> 00:15:30,936
I know.
419
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,730
You die for them a
thousand times over
420
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,603
Just so they'll have a
chance to live and be happy.
421
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:36,178
I know.
422
00:15:36,316 --> 00:15:37,534
Then you see them standing
on the brink of that happiness.
423
00:15:37,558 --> 00:15:38,729
Yeah.
424
00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,587
Some freak comes
along and ruins everything.
425
00:15:41,558 --> 00:15:42,558
Mom...
426
00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:44,902
Destroys a young girl's life.
427
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,040
Not to mention a
perfectly good production
428
00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:48,557
of the Pirates of Penzance.
429
00:15:49,454 --> 00:15:50,695
Mrs. Sass, Roberta,
430
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:53,144
I'm sorry. I really am.
431
00:15:53,282 --> 00:15:55,040
I'm going through a...
432
00:15:55,178 --> 00:15:56,671
I don't know what it
is. I just had a baby...
433
00:15:56,695 --> 00:15:58,488
Postpartum depression.
434
00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:01,213
I... I really... I just
resist that label.
435
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:02,350
Are you postpartum?
436
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:03,626
Yeah.
437
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:04,729
Are you in a depression?
438
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:05,798
Yeah.
439
00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:07,247
All right.
440
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,040
It goes away, you know.
441
00:16:10,144 --> 00:16:11,315
Really?
442
00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:13,533
My daughter's 24 years old.
You know when mine ended?
443
00:16:13,626 --> 00:16:14,626
Mrs. Sass.
444
00:16:14,764 --> 00:16:16,084
6 Months ago when
she got engaged.
445
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:18,626
And now, guess what.
446
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:19,660
What's that?
447
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:20,729
It's back.
448
00:16:21,212 --> 00:16:22,557
I understand.
449
00:16:22,695 --> 00:16:24,764
So help me out here.
Make my joy return.
450
00:16:27,384 --> 00:16:28,384
Roberta,
451
00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:29,833
um,
452
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:31,660
In spite of my little tirade
453
00:16:31,798 --> 00:16:33,246
at the beauty parlor,
454
00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:35,315
I love my husband very much.
455
00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:36,970
Really?
456
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,074
Absolutely.
457
00:16:38,212 --> 00:16:40,626
That's exactly what
we came to hear.
458
00:16:40,763 --> 00:16:42,074
Okay, can we call Russell?
459
00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:43,212
I don't know.
460
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,728
Roberta,
461
00:16:45,866 --> 00:16:48,143
marrying Paul
and having his child
462
00:16:48,281 --> 00:16:50,832
are the two smartest
things I ever did in my life.
463
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,315
You mean it?
464
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,212
Isn't that sweet?
465
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:56,350
All right?
466
00:16:57,901 --> 00:16:59,625
Well, i... Close enough.
467
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,521
♪ Hold, monsters, ere your pr...
468
00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:14,832
♪ Pirate caravans proceed
469
00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:17,349
♪ To wed us all
470
00:17:19,970 --> 00:17:22,763
Mr. Barsky, your parrot.
471
00:17:24,797 --> 00:17:26,487
♪ Just... ♪ Just bear in mind
472
00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:29,107
♪ That we are
wards ♪ In chancery
473
00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:30,349
Thank you.
474
00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:33,590
♪ And father is a major-general
475
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,418
♪ I am the very model
476
00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,831
♪ Of a modern major-general
477
00:17:47,969 --> 00:17:50,590
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
478
00:17:50,727 --> 00:17:51,900
and mineral
479
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,383
♪ I know the kings of England ♪
480
00:17:53,521 --> 00:17:55,487
Hi. Hi.
481
00:17:57,693 --> 00:17:59,073
Hi. How you doing?
482
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,038
How's it going so far?
483
00:18:01,176 --> 00:18:03,727
Oh, Gilbert would
gouge Sullivan's eyes out.
484
00:18:05,245 --> 00:18:07,176
♪ I understand equations
485
00:18:07,314 --> 00:18:09,762
♪ Both the simple
and quadratical
486
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:11,520
♪ About binomial theorem
487
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,934
♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news
488
00:18:15,073 --> 00:18:16,073
Lot o' news?
489
00:18:16,727 --> 00:18:17,727
Lot o' news?
490
00:18:18,624 --> 00:18:19,624
Lot o' news.
491
00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:20,693
Paul.
492
00:18:21,313 --> 00:18:22,313
I told him to do that.
493
00:18:22,451 --> 00:18:23,727
He's acting. You believe it?
494
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,072
Lot of news.
495
00:18:26,210 --> 00:18:27,210
Well, he's brilliant.
496
00:18:29,624 --> 00:18:30,693
Lot o' news?
497
00:18:30,831 --> 00:18:31,934
Oh, boy.
498
00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:33,589
Sing something.
499
00:18:37,486 --> 00:18:40,520
♪ And I should
probably sing something
500
00:18:40,658 --> 00:18:42,968
♪ I mean, what
have I got to lose? ♪
501
00:18:43,106 --> 00:18:44,944
♪ And he should
probably sing something
502
00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,244
♪ I mean, what has he ♪
got to lose?
503
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,037
♪ I...
504
00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:53,210
♪ Used to be in sporting goods
505
00:18:53,348 --> 00:18:55,279
♪ But then I gave the place away
506
00:18:56,555 --> 00:18:58,864
♪ I'm in semi-retirement
507
00:18:59,002 --> 00:19:01,348
♪ Let me tell you that's okay
508
00:19:01,486 --> 00:19:03,382
♪ My son's the big director
509
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,313
♪ And he's standing
in the back somewhere
510
00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:08,485
♪ And there's his
wife named Jamie
511
00:19:08,623 --> 00:19:10,761
♪ Look at that, she's
got some pretty hair
512
00:19:11,864 --> 00:19:13,795
♪ Our Paul was such a good boy
513
00:19:13,933 --> 00:19:16,175
♪ We had nothing
to complain about
514
00:19:16,312 --> 00:19:18,347
♪ Except one time
we came home early
515
00:19:18,485 --> 00:19:19,645
♪ And he had his shmekkie out
516
00:19:22,485 --> 00:19:24,426
♪ Except one time
he came home early
517
00:19:24,450 --> 00:19:26,140
♪ And he had his shmekkie out ♪
518
00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:31,209
♪ In short, in matters
vegetable, animal
519
00:19:31,347 --> 00:19:32,347
♪ And mineral
520
00:19:32,450 --> 00:19:33,726
♪ I am the very model
521
00:19:33,864 --> 00:19:35,416
♪ Of the modern major-general
522
00:19:35,554 --> 00:19:37,519
♪ In short, in matters vegetable
523
00:19:37,657 --> 00:19:39,105
♪ Animal and mineral
524
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,932
♪ He is the very model of
525
00:19:41,071 --> 00:19:46,829
♪ The modern major-general ♪
526
00:19:55,174 --> 00:19:57,140
That was the single
greatest evening
527
00:19:57,278 --> 00:19:58,794
I've ever spent in the theater.
528
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,174
Yeah, the pirates who
humiliated their son.
529
00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:07,036
Let's see,
530
00:20:07,174 --> 00:20:09,484
Complain about, complain about.
531
00:20:09,622 --> 00:20:11,622
What in world
rhymes with complain?
532
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,760
Oh, I got it!
533
00:20:12,829 --> 00:20:14,071
Shmekkie out.
534
00:20:17,415 --> 00:20:18,415
Just explain to me,
535
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,518
why would the man's
mind even go there?
536
00:20:21,656 --> 00:20:23,725
Why there? I've done
so many wonderful things
537
00:20:23,863 --> 00:20:25,001
in my life.
538
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,140
He could've summoned up
539
00:20:26,277 --> 00:20:28,553
I won a spelling bee one time.
540
00:20:28,691 --> 00:20:30,691
I had a paper route.
541
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:32,553
By the way, rhymes
with complain about.
542
00:20:34,311 --> 00:20:35,380
I took the garbage out.
543
00:20:36,173 --> 00:20:37,173
I was a nice cub scout.
544
00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:38,932
All these things
he chose to ignore.
545
00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:41,380
I found it a very
educational evening.
546
00:20:41,518 --> 00:20:42,758
Yeah. You know what we learned?
547
00:20:42,829 --> 00:20:43,897
Here's what we learned.
548
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,760
If you're 11 and you're
alone in your room,
549
00:20:45,897 --> 00:20:47,794
lock your doors, people.
550
00:20:52,931 --> 00:20:54,553
All right, let's take it easy.
551
00:20:54,691 --> 00:20:56,793
So I can never go out
of the house again. Ever.
552
00:20:56,931 --> 00:20:59,139
Come on. Let's just
laugh it off and move on.
553
00:20:59,277 --> 00:21:01,586
It's so true. No good
deed goes unpunished.
554
00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:03,070
Look at it this way.
555
00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:04,735
Aren't you happy your
parents love you so much,
556
00:21:04,759 --> 00:21:06,311
They want to
share every detail...
557
00:21:06,449 --> 00:21:08,346
Don't... don't... don't do that.
558
00:21:08,483 --> 00:21:09,931
Don't put a happy face on this.
559
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,870
Would you let me have
this? I'm depressed now.
560
00:21:11,931 --> 00:21:13,173
Well, snap out of it already.
561
00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:28,862
♪ Now the show is done
562
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,310
♪ And we can all
watch as the credits roll
563
00:21:31,448 --> 00:21:33,310
♪ They have a
list of all the folks
564
00:21:33,448 --> 00:21:35,655
♪ Who work here,
see, it's on a scroll
565
00:21:35,793 --> 00:21:37,276
♪ Look at all the people
566
00:21:37,414 --> 00:21:39,552
♪ That it takes
to make a TV show
567
00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:40,931
♪ Sixty-four of them
568
00:21:41,069 --> 00:21:43,241
♪ I gotta tell you
I don't even know
569
00:21:43,379 --> 00:21:45,172
♪ This song is
stuck within my head
570
00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:47,069
♪ There's no way I can go to bed
571
00:21:47,207 --> 00:21:48,965
♪ Let's ask this man
whose name is Ed
572
00:21:49,103 --> 00:21:51,172
♪ Is there another
song instead? ♪
573
00:21:56,723 --> 00:21:58,103
Thank you.
36512
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