All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E23-24 - The Birth-ing

[GRUNTS] Paul?

PAUL: All right, so
Aunt Ida, Aunt Ida,

why don't we go back
to the other story?

You were just saying
something about
George Gershwin.

Not George.
His cousin Milton.

So your family
knew his family?

We knew his name
was Milton,

but as a kid,
everyone called him Skippy.

Skippy Gershwin?

That's right.

Okay.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

Oh.

Something is burning.
I'd better go check.

Watch out!
Look out!

I don't think Gershwin
had a cousin Milton.

I'm trying to remember
if I ever asked you.

No, I don't think I did.

What is this?
[PAGER BEEPS]

Oh. Hey. Hey.
What?

That's Jamie.
Jamie?

Yes. Told her to call
when she had contractions.
Look at this.

I thought you said
you had another week.

Well, I guess we don't.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.
Show time?

It's show time.

Okay. I'm gonna
come right home.

Nope. That'll
take too long.

It won't take long.
I'm gonna come home.

Hon, I think you
should just meet me
at the hospital.

No, no. Wait for me.
I'll come home.

Paul, that's silly.
I'll just get a cab.

Sweetie, wait for me.
I will be right there.

Paul, that's ridiculous.
I'll just get a cab.

I'll meet you
at the hospital.

I thought we
should go together.

I'm taking a cab
and meeting you
at the hospital! My God!

Okay, okay, all right.

Here's what,
you take a cab,

and I'll meet you
at the hospital, okay?

Okay. Love you.

I love you.

Hurry.

Okay.

Taxi!

TAXI DRIVER:
Where to, lady?

Alan?

Jamie?

Wow.

This is amazing.

What a coincidence.
Hi.

Hi. Wow, look at you.

Yeah.

Are...
Are you pregnant?

Yes, I am, Alan.
What'd you think?

No, that's what I thought.

In fact, I'm on my way
to the hospital.

Really?
Which hospital?

Roosevelt.

Huh. Is that
a good hospital?

What is that
supposed to mean?

Okay.

Are you seeing anyone?

A few people.

You?

Yeah, my husband.

Pete?

Paul.

So, what else
you working on?

What else?

I'm about this close
to having a baby

in the back of this cab.

Right now, I'm working
on that not happening.

I can see that.

So nothing, huh?

You know,
you just never stop.

It's called
making conversation.

Uh-huh.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

What is all this?
I don't know.

Can't go through here.
Making a movie.

Oh, yeah? What, uh...
What movie?

I write screenplays.

Okay.

Excuse me.
I'm having a baby.

Where's the father?

He's meeting me.

It's probably true.

Okay. Good luck.

BOTH: Thanks.

I think he meant me.

JAMIE: How we doing?

Great. Go home.

What do you mean,
go home?
We talked about this.

We're going to
come to the hospital
and have a little baby.

And you will
when it's ready
to be born.

What do you mean?
This is not it?

Nope, not it.
Often mistaken
for it, but not it.

You sure
this isn't it?

Yep. False "it."
Take my word for it.

That's my job,
distinguishing actual "it"
from not "it."

You're not doing this
just so you can go back
to your little function?

No, in fact,
I wish it was it.

'Cause this dress
is itching,

and they're
giving an award
to somebody I hate.

So what
just happened here?

I had those Braxton Hicks
contractions?

Yep, that's
what happened.
Braxton Hicks.

Very normal,
happens all the time,

but don't get complacent,

'cause next time it's for
all the marbles, okay?

Well, next time,
how do I know
if it's actually "it?"

Well, there are a lot
of different ways,

but the main clue will be,
the baby will come out.

You almost didn't make it.
I got very worried.

I know.
Broadway's closed down.
They're making some movie.

But I'm here now.
It's just you and me.

And our
entire family.

I made a couple
of calls.

I wish she didn't
call everybody,
you know?

I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of her.

Paulie, nobody says
you're not, all right?

I mean, maybe
she was just nervous.

Yeah, but it's only
the most intimate moment
in our life.

It would be nice
if it could be
just the two of us.

If she wants a couple
of friends around
for support, let it go.

Remember, you're the coach,
Paulie, all right?
She is the player.

What is this?
What?

"North American
documentary film festival."

Oh, that's nothing.
That's junk mail.

Did you
submit the film?

I may have.
Who remembers?

Are you nuts?

Are you just
out of your mind?

Just give it to me.
Let me throw it away.

What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?

The film is not ready.
What else?

Don't show it to anybody
until it's ready.

Specifically...
Your family.

And...
Festivals.

Yes, because
if you do, what happens?

I will die.
Yes!

I can't believe
you sent in...
It's not even done.

Paulie, we got bills,
all right?

Look at these.
Look at this.

Lab fees,
equipment rentals.

We got it
stacked up here.

It was accepted?
What?

"Your film
has been accepted."

Oh, that's so cool.

You're not angry
with me?

Hurry up and say
you're sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's over!

Oh! We got a film
in a film festival.

How about that, Paulie?
[PAGER BEEPS]

Hey. Hey.
Beeping. Beeping.
That's Jamie.

This is it!
Papa!

Hey! Okay. All right.

All right. All right.
I'm going.
Go.

Oh, this is
a good day.
All right.

It's just humiliating.

It's not humiliating.
Yes, it is.

What's to be
humiliated about?

It's just you and me.

And everybody who
was here last time.

We have to talk.

So I would like
to have my mother,
my sister,

even Paul's mother
and sister, and Fran
in there with me,

and I know Paul
doesn't want that.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You know, it's not
that I don't want it.

It's just that,
you know, why?
[RINGING CONTINUES]

I'm just...
I'm just saying
that, uh...

Whenever I
imagined this birth,

I always imagined us
surrounded

by the women
in our lives,

drawing
on their experience,
you know,

strengthened
by their strength,

sharing
their stories,
their wisdom.

Who, Lisa?
Lisa's wisdom?

She's my sister,
all right?

This is not bothering
anybody else here?

Would you excuse me?

Hello.
I told you not to use
this number, didn't I?

What is wrong with you?

Don't get hostile
with me, young lady.
I'll give you hostile.

Well, did you look
in the top drawer
of the dresser?

I thought so.

[SIGHS]
Teenagers.

Please, go on.

Anyway, um...

I just don't think
it would hurt

to have
some of the women

in our lives
there for this.

Which is great.
I have just always
seen this

as essentially
a two-person proposition.

Interesting.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

What's interesting?

One... One second.
PAUL: Yeah.

Hello.

In the top drawer.

Well, then look
in the laundry basket.

No, you may not wear mine.

Don't test me.

Well, I hate you, too.

I apologize
for the interruption.

Since the divorce,
my daughter...

Hey, you know what?
We don't need to know.
Whatever.

Oh, kids. Sometimes
they're more trouble
than they're worth.

But also a joy
in many ways.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Where were we?
We were, uh...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[SIGHS]

Just ignore it.

As I was saying...

Why, Paul, are you afraid

of having anyone else
present at this event?

Is your manhood
somehow threatened
by the presence of others?

By the same token, Jamie,

why are you afraid
of being alone with Paul?

What fears of intimacy
are you holding,

and is that the reason
you're going into labor
when Paul's not around?

Damn it!

Well, you'd better
take it off.

Don't you talk to me
that way. Are you nuts?

Have you gone insane?

You are going
to be on restriction
for the rest of your life.

Do you hear me,
young lady?

Nothing.
You'll get nothing.

I will lock you
in that closet

till you're an old maid
and nobody wants you.

You know what?
If you want to have
people there,

let's do that.
That's fine.

It's just... I dunno.
We always do better
when it's just

you and me, that's all.
Let's talk about it later.

Really? You sure?
Absolutely.

Be a filmmaker.
Do what you
have to do.

You are
a wonderful woman.

Honey, honey, honey.

Paul, Michael Moore.
Yes.

Mike, how are you?

Michael Moore.
Yeah, Mike.

Mike, sure.

Okay. Yeah.

Michael Moore.

Mike's father
and my father

used to ride the train
together.

They used to
share a newspaper.

Honey...
Mike... Mike...
Mike Moore.

Mike. Mickey, right?
No.

Michael Moore.
Boy, the filmmaker.

I loved Roger & Me
and TV Nation.Boy.
Thank you.

Yes. Hey. Please.

What do I have to say?
Those are great films.

But I think our fathers
rode the train together. No?

No. It's okay,
all right?

I just saw Buchman.
It's fantastic.

I mean, the warmth,
the heart, the pathos.

Oh, really?

I'm getting
on the phone
right now.

I'm calling Bob Redford.

I'm gonna tell him this film
has to be in Sundance.

Wow. Wow.
That is unbeliev...
I gotta tell you. Wow.

This is such a labor
of love for me, you know?

I mean, because it's
about family, right?

And family, to me,
it's so important.

It's like the only
important thing, really.

Are you all right,
Mrs. Buchman?

Yeah. I seem
to be having
a contraction.

Oh. Now?

Yeah.

Maybe I should
get some assistance.

Uh, you know what?
It's probably anoth...

It's probably a false labor.
This happens all the time.

What were you saying
about Robert Redford?

Honey, I think
maybe we should go.

Sweetie, remember?
She said it's not real

unless the baby comes out.

You should go.

Oh, we're gonna go,
but finish what you
were saying.

I think you need
to get your wife
to the hospital.

Oh, we're gonna get...

Trust me. We're all...
We're under control here.

Honey, breathe.
Breathe. Yeah.
Okay. We're fine.

I know what this looks like.
There's nothing
to worry about.

It's a Braxton Hicks.
I don't know
if you're familiar.

Everything's fine.
Happens all the time.

Buchman, what
is wrong with you?

Somebody call a doctor.

Honey, you know what?
I think we should go.

Okay, all right.
We're gonna go.

Remember where we were,
and we'll pick it up...

ALL: Go!

If you need a 3/4-inch
cassette, I can send you
a cassette, or...

ALL: Go!

Sorry.
False alarm.

[GROANING]

What? What do you
think, we're playing
a practical joke?

No, no. Of course not.

I'm glad I left
in the middle of Rent.

I could always
get another ticket.

For $1,100.
We're sorry.

You know, I was
in my yoga class,

and I was so close
to getting that feeling

that they always talk about
that you're supposed to get.

Almost got it.
Didn't get it. Thanks.

Well, it doesn't
matter to me.

I was in the middle
of a souffle. It'll keep.

If I leave now,
I can just make

the last 10 minutes
of my shrink appointment.

For God's sake...
Please go.

I got nothing to do.

Go home.

Thanks for coming,
though.

It's hard for me
to imagine

that someday this ring
will fit on my finger again.

And you know what?
If it doesn't...

You'll still love me.

Yeah. No, I'm saying
we could get it sized.

Come here, you.

Take a little walk
with moi.

What are you doing?

We'll see
what I'm doing.

We'll see who's doing
and who's not.

Oh, no. Really?

What? What?

Joan said this might
help induce labor.

And that's why
you're doing it?

Mmm-hmm.
It's one reason.

If I was falling
out of a plane,

I'd be more in the mood
to do this than I am
right now.

Well, I will
call the airline.

It could be months
before we do this again.

I'll keep myself
amused.

Oh, the way you talk.

Sure.

Anything?

Anything?
That was amazing.

You're a genius.

Well, okay,
but no action?

Honey, can't we just relax
and enjoy the moment?

Sorry. I'm just very
goal-oriented.

Honey, you're putting
a lot of pressure
on yourself.

That was wonderful.

Well, I gotta...

To me, this was
an utter failure.

I mean, we're trying
to have a baby.

I don't understand,
why it's so hard?

People do it,
you know.
People, every day,

millions of people
have babies every day.
Idiots can do it.

Idiots have an
easier time giving
birth than we do.

You know, hillbillies,
sailors, chickens!
Honey.

I love you very much,
but let's look at the way
nature works.

You never see a chicken
squat down and go,
"Whoop, false alarm."

No, with a chicken,
if they squat,

there's gonna be an egg
coming out of their ass.

Oh, my dear.

Is it their ass?
I don't even know.

I haven't been
on a farm in, like, ever.

Where did you go?

What did Joan say
about the water breaking?

She said
that's when it's it.

That's when there's
no turning around.
It's time.

Why?

My water just broke.

Well, you bet it
did, baby.

All right, big shot.

No. I'm just saying,
you see?

You don't need
anybody but me.

You know what?

You're right.

Am I?

You bet you are.

You're the captain.
You're the leader.

You're the pilot,
and you're my coach.

I'm putting my money on you.

My faith is in you.
Our life is in your hands.

Maybe we should call
somebody.

All right.
We have everything?

I think so.

All right.
Nat is on his way.

[DOG BARKING]

Murray.

Murray, we're gonna go
and get you either
a brother or a sister.

Or if it really goes
your way, a schnauzer.

Are we forgetting
anything?

We got you. We got me.
We got the baby.

Yeah.
Then no.

Honey.

I know.
All right.

Let's go have us
a little baby.

NURSE: Well, look who's here.
The girl who cried labor.

My water broke.
Thank God.

Are you ready?
Yes, I am.

Excuse me.
We were here first.

Here first?

That's right. We came in
before you did,

so we should be
taken in first.

Not that it makes
any difference,

but I don't think
you actually did
come in first.

I beg to differ.

Well, I've been in here
nine times this week.

Does that count
for anything?

Not to me.
Today we were here first.

Tomorrow, I don't care.

Listen, I'm sure
you're feeling anxious.
I know I am.

No, no, no. I'm not
anxious at all.

I'm just first, see?

No one's cutting in line
on my birth.

It's not a deli counter.

It certainly is.
Irwin! Come on, hon.

Let's go! We're first.

Excuse us.

What was that all about?

Apparently
she was first.

First? What difference
does that make?

That's what I said.
Are we ready now?

Yes.

Wait! Wait! Stop!
What? What?

Oh, my God, my ring.
What, your wedding ring?

Yes. I've been wearing
it around my neck

so I'd have it
when this happened,

and I took it off
when we had sex.

We had sex.

Oh, I threw it
in the drawer.

Okay, so, sweetie,
we know where it is.

It's not lost.
We'll get it after...

No, no, no, now.
Please?

Now?
Yes. Please?

I don't want
to have this baby
without that ring.

Why?
Because I want it.

You want it this second?

Why are you
arguing with me?

Because I don't want
to leave you now.

We should be doing
this together.

Paul, I need that ring.

Come on, man,
she needs the ring.

Is there time
for that?

How long
will it take you?

Like 20 minutes.

Oh, yeah.
You got time.

I will...
I will get the ring.
Okay.

Are you going to be okay
by yourself?

I'll be fine.

You're gonna call someone.
No.

You're gonna call somebody,
aren't you?

I'm not calling anybody.

All right. Good, because
you don't have to.

I'm gonna be right back
and take care of you.

All right. Please
don't have the baby
till I get back.

Ho there.

Whoa! That
was fast, huh?

Must be some kind
of record or some such.

Congrats! Congrats!
Congrats there, Mr. Daddy.

Yeah.

So where is the little tyke?

No, no, it's not time yet,
Nat.

It's just Jamie
forgot her ring.

Her ring?

What does she need a ring for?

It's a symbol.
It's a good luck charm.
She needs it.

Oh, yeah. I see that.

A little like
a monkey's finger,

I kept a little tube.

Got it. Got it.
See you, Murray.

Well, you take care.
Good luck, huh?
Take... Whoa!

Whoa!

WOMAN PATIENT: What
about that good room,
Dr. Goldwasser?

When am I getting
the good room?

DR. GOLDWASSER: I told you,
It's first come, first served.

Oh, is that so?
Can you believe that?

Irwin, you just do
whatever you have to do

to get me that good room.

[DOOR OPENS]

How we doing here?

I'm fine.
Pretty fine.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the good room?

Good room?
Who told you about
the good room?

I heard.

What's it like?

What's it like?
It's good.

Come on.

All right.

It's like having your baby
at the Waldorf, okay?

Wow.
How do you get it?

Well, actually,
it's first come,
first serve.

Well, I'm ready.
I'm ready to go
right now.

I'm totally...
I feel pretty ready to go.

Believe me, you're not.

Is my husband here yet?
I haven't seen him.

What about Joan?

She hasn't gotten here yet.

PAUL: What's
going on here?
What's all this?

You can't go through.
We're shooting a movie.

Yeah, but no...
My wife Is having a baby.

Where is she,
in the trunk?

No, she's in the hospital.

I had to...
She forgot her ring.

So I had to race home
to get the ring.

She sent you home
in the middle of her birth
to get her ring?

Yeah. I know.

You ought to do
better than that, pal.

We just had
a big incident here.
It's mayhem.

[STAMMERS] Why?
Can't I just...

Turn it around.
Move out of the way.
We got ambulances coming.

Can I one time?
Never again.

No.

I told him I wouldn't
call anybody.
Uh-huh.

Then I panicked
and called everybody.
Uh-huh.

No. I mean everybody.
Thank you.

Everybody I've ever had
contact with
in my entire life.

But nobody was home.

Jamie, it's all right.
You have nothing
to worry about.

You've nothing to be
concerned about.

This is my job.
This is what I do.

I'm here for you now.
Just for you.

[PAGER BEEPS]

You psychotic little snot.

I'll be right back.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Thank you.

What?

What?

You know,
this better be it.

I was in the middle
of kickboxing class,

and I had to run all
the way down here,
all sweating,

and you know what?
[SNIFFS]

I stink.
Is there a shower
in here?

I think there's one
in the hall...

You know what,
is this going
to get yucky?

One can only hope.

When are you
taking the drugs?

I'm not going to take drugs.

I'm gonna try to do this
without drugs.

Come on. At least
get the drugs.
I'll take 'em.

FIRST REPORTER:
Film star Bruce Willis

was apparently
injured today

during the filming of
a stunt here in Manhattan

while shooting his latest film
Die, Already.

SECOND REPORTER:
Any other injuries...

He was on a
ninth story scaffolding.

No one's quite sure
what happened next,

but something obviously
went horribly wrong.

Hospital spokespeople here
will not confirm or deny
this rumor.

His condition is not known
at this time.

You can see
quite a crowd.

Let's see if we can
talk to someone.

Sir, as a concerned fan
who has shown up
to show moral support,

what would you say
to Bruce Willis

if you could talk to him
at this moment?

Bruce Willis?

Oh, I could care less
about Bruce Willis.

My wife is about
to have a baby.

I'm trying to get
upstairs. Excuse me.

So you see,
fans from all over
have gathered in droves

to stand vigil
for their fallen idol.

Back to you
in the studio.

Oh, this is
so exciting.

Does it bring
back memories?

Oh, yeah, the joy,
the elation.
Ma.

The overwhelming emotion.
Ma.

This is a moment you'll never
forget in your life.
Ma.

What?

You were
completely unconscious
for the whole thing.

Yeah. So?

Uh. Listen,
here's the truth.

My wife is
in maternity,

and she's about
to have a baby.

Look,
here is my wife's
wedding ring.

Yeah. Good one.

Seriously. Her finger
is too swollen.

She had to take it off,
and she put it
in a drawer.

So I went... I didn't
want to, believe me,

but I rushed home.
I went to get the ring,

and now, she needs
to have the ring

before she can
have the baby.
Come on.

Well, you let
that guy through.

He called him Bruno.

You got to know him
to call him Bruno.

No. No. I don't
know the guy.

Everybody knows
his nickname
is Bruno.

Really?

Yeah!

We got problems
down here.

And the first one

is always
the tough one.

I remember
Lisa got stuck.

Her head was
like a boulder.

It just
wouldn't budge.

And I was screaming,
"Get this kid
out of me,"

and so an orderly
and a resident
climbed on top of me

and they started
pushing down

and pushing
and pushing
and pushing,

and finally
you squirted out,

1, 2, 3, phfft!

He must have
gone this way!

Oh, God.
I remember
with Ryan

they had to slice me open
like a fish.

I looked like
I fell on a grenade.

No. I looked like a frog
being dissected

by a ninth-grade
biology student.

Anybody want
to see the scar?

ALL: Ooh!

GUARD: This way.

[HARMONICA STARTS
PLAYING BLUES]

Hey, how are ya?

Hi.

You with the hospital?

No. No.

Security.

No.

[SNIFFING]

The press.

No, no, no.
Nothing like that.

Well, I'm trying to have
a little moment of privacy.
Thanks.

Hey, sorry.
Please. No. Hey.

MAN: Look in here.
This way.

MAN 2: Yes, sir.
Got to be
down there.

What are you
doing here?

I'm voting.

You seen anybody
else in here?

No.
Nobody else.

I haven't seen
anybody.

You didn't see anybody
in a hospital gown,
head all bandaged?

Uh... In... No, no.

Come on.

He's got to be
down there.

They're gone.

Thanks.

Sure.
Don't mention it.

So, uh, what happened
to your head?

Huh?
Your head,
what happened?

I fell off a 40-foot
scaffold at work,
landed on my head.

They brought me
down here for tests.

They say it might
be a concussion,

but, to be honest
with you,

I don't feel
that concussed.

Okay, sure.

You sure
you're all right?

Huh?

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. I'm fine,
thanks.

Okay. Well,
nice to meet you.

Hey, hey.
What?

What are you doing
up here, anyway?

My wife's about
to have a baby.

What are you doing
loitering around
the men's room

when your wife's
about to have a baby?

Believe me, I...

I got a little
problem here.

Do you,
by any chance,

know how to get
to the maternity ward?

Follow me.

[WHISPERING]
Cameras.

Oh. You're very
good at this.

Listen to me.
Be strong now.
That's my message.

Because later,
all you'll pretty much
have to worry about

is cutting
them grapes in half.

Grapes?
Yeah. You got to cut
the grapes in half.

They got them
tiny little windpipes,
you know?

Oh, sure. Okay.
You got it?

Sure, sure.
Strong now,
and later, cut grapes.

You got it.
Okay.

Oh, this is important.
You right handed
or left handed?

Uh, right handed.
Okay, good.

During delivery,
give her your hand
to hold, but be careful.

She gets a hold
of that right hand,

she'll squeeze it
like a sock puppet.

You won't be able
to sign your name
for a year.

So don't give her
the right hand
and cut the grapes.

Okay. I think I can
remember all this stuff.

You'll be all right.
Yeah. Okay.

You'll be fine. Listen.
Yeah.

If I can do it,
you can do it.

Yeah, okay.
This is very helpful.
Thanks a lot, man.

You've no idea.
You're welcome.

Can I give you a hug?

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. All right.
Good, good.

Can I give you
a little kiss?

You want to make out
a little bit?

I don't. No.

Okay.

But thank you.
Yeah.

My breasts
were never bigger.

I loved it.
I was actually zaftig.

DEBBIE: For the first time
in my life,

men actually talked to me
and stared at my chest.

THERESA: You'll be
fuller-busted, dear.

Yep.

Sure, I was bigger,
but I had ankles
to match.

Of course,
when I stopped
breastfeeding,

they looked
like a couple
of empty gym socks.

I gained 40 pounds
and I'm still taking it off.

I lost the weight,
but my body is shot.

Well, bikinis are
a thing of the past.

Where is Paul?

You know,
I have a hell of a time
putting on weight.

Stop it.

Wait, wait, wait.
And what about sex?

Oh, don't even
start on that.

Sex? What
do you mean?

Where is Paul?

[GRUNTING]

You pick out
any names yet?

Names? Well, we got
a few thoughts.

You have any ideas?

What are
your kids' names?

Rumer, Scout,
and Tallulah Belle.

Yeah, well...

We'll think
of something,
I'm sure.

Come on,
I'll hoist you up.

Are you serious?
Yeah. Grab hold. Ready?

And here we go.

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What happened to him?

He went home
to get my ring.

It should have
taken him 10 minutes.

I don't understand.
What happened?

Honey, honey.
Come back.

We'll go look
for him.

You go look
in the elevators,

and I'm gonna
check the lobby.

Don't worry, sweetie,
we'll find him.

We'll see
if he's lost.

He'll be here.

Are you sure
this is the fastest way
to the maternity ward?

Hi, my darling.

Daddy, you're here.

Shh. I wouldn't be
anyplace else in
the world but here.

I'm so glad.

Look at
this little face.

This is the same
sweet little face

you had
when you were 11.

I really never dreamed
that we'd be here
together like this.

You about to
become a mama...
[CHUCKLES]

And me about to become
a grandpa.

Me neither.

But still...

You're
my little girl.

You promise?

Ohh... Promise.

Cross my heart.

Okay, take it easy.

You're going?

No, I'm not going.

I'm just gonna
wait outside.

And... And I'll be
out there...

If you need me.
Okay.

Okay.

Oh, good. Here we are.
Go up to the fifth floor,

two quick rights and a left.
You can't miss it.

Two quick rights
and a left. Okay.

Listen, you've
been a big help.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Hey...

You like tomatoes?

I enjoy tomatoes.
I'm gonna send you
some tomatoes, okay?

Sure.
Shape yourself up.

[PEOPLE TALKING]
Listen... Shh!

You never
saw me, right?
No, no.

We never had
this conversation.
Never.

Take care
of yourself.
Gimme a hug.

[GROANS]

Contractions
are getting
closer together.

Do you want
something?

[SIGHS] No. Not yet.

We can't wait
anymore.

It's time
to move you now.

No. Not without Paul.

Jamie, it's not me.

I'd wait for him
all day.

It's the baby.
He's very impatient.
We've got to go.

I don't want to
do this without Paul.

Honey...

It'll make
a great story.

Let's go.

James?
Paul, where are you?

I'm here.
Where are you?

I'm right here.

Hey, there you are.
Here I am.

It's you!
It's me!

Come here,
come here,
come here.

Thank God.
What happened?
Is everything okay?

Yeah. Fine, fine.
No problem. Look.
Here's your ring.

Forget about the ring.
I don't care
about the ring

as long as I have you.

Oh, don't tell me
that now.

JOAN: Come on,
let's move it. I want
to get the good room.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey. Oh. Uh...
All right, look.

Um, I'm Paul.

We were here
first.

Actually,
I don't think so.
I think it's a tie.

You wish it was a tie.
You wish it was a tie.

We're getting
the good room.
You and what army?

Oh, I'm shaking.

Joan...
Ben...

All right.
How dilated
is this one?

Seven centimeters.

Mine's eight.
Yes!

Contractions?
Five minutes apart.

Four.
Liar.

Read 'em
and weep.

[GROANS] Here it comes.
You all right?

Me, too!
Me, too!

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Dr. Eckstein.

What is going on here?
The good room, sir.

Again? Every day,
I'm in the good room.

I'm sick of the good room.
I'm closing the good room.

Not today, you're not.
No way!

What if I said
neither one of you
gets the good room?

What if I reached
down your throat

and delivered your colon?
How would you like that?

Very nice.
Oh, you're a bargain
over here.

For God's sakes,
look at you two.

You're both
gonna be parents.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

I'm not.
Me neither.

Well, you two
just work it out
like mature people.

You wanna shoot for it?

Odds or evens?

How do you put out
two fingers?
Leave me alone.

You had the good room
in the palm of your hand.

Oh, God.

Hmm. Contraction?
Mmm.

Okay. All right.
Breathe.

Oh...
Breathe.

Want to try
another position?
[GROANS]

Okay, okay.

Good, good, good.
There you go.

[DEEP BREATHING]

Hello.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?
Yeah, she's fine.
She's fine.

Why... Why did you call me?

I wasn't here yet,
so she was just
a little scared.

So you called me.
Oh, I can understand that.

It's not what you think.
I called everybody I know.

Interestingly,
I, uh, I don't see
anybody else here.

Uh, you know what.
I'm here now,
so you can go.

Okay, but if you need me...
Well, obviously
you have my number.

Oh, don't overinterpret that.
I just never took it
out of my book.

I don't have your number,
but whatever.

It was nice of you
to think of me

at the most important
moment of your life.

Somebody kill him
and blame me.

Nice seeing you
again, Pete.

That sort of stuff
doesn't happen
in the good room.

Breathe through it,
Jamie.

There you go.
Good girl.

Do you want something
for the pain?

Mm-mmm. If
I want something,
I'll say.

All right.
Just let me know.

Hi, honey.
It's Mommy.

[GRUNTS]

Honey?

Oh!
Honey.

Oh!
Honey.

Why are you
in so much pain?
Hmm?

Probably because
it hurts like hell.

[JAMIE BREATHES HEAVILY]

Hello.

Excuse me.

Could I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.

Uh, why don't you
give her something
for the pain?

Why are you
letting her lie there
and suffer like that?

Mrs. Stemple...

My baby is in pain.
Why are you just
standing there?

Why don't you
do something?

Give... Give her a drip!
You know, Theresa...

My daughter
is in pain here!

Somebody help her!
Help her! Somebody
help my daughter!

What's the matter?
You're all just
standing there!

Help! Help! Help!
Help my daughter!

You get out
of my way!

Oh, honey, my God!

What kind of doctor
do you call...

Mrs. Stemple,
Jamie is try to have

a natural childbirth.

Ah...

Are you out
of your mind?

Mrs. Stemple.
This will make you
feel so much better.

Breathe.

Why is it so noisy
and crowded in here?

Jamie, they
have to do this.

Don't even pay
attention to them.

Shh!
You just focus on...

Don't talk.

Why not?
Just don't.

JOAN: Keep breathing, Jamie.
You're doing great.

You really are.
You are doing just...

Don't talk.

Just me?
Yes.

I'm not allowed
to talk?
Please?

Joan just talked.

Anybody can talk.
Just not you.

I just don't understand...
Are you kidding me now?

Are you gonna pick
a fight with me now?

No, no, no!
You gonna start
with me now?

[SCREAMS]

Do you have to
do this now?
Don't worry about her.

I hate her.
It's all right.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I love you.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

What's the matter
with you? Why aren't
you saying something?

Now?
Yes.

Now it's okay to talk?

Yes! Oh, no, no!

It's just during
the contraction

I can't stand
the sound
of your voice.

I see.

Mmm. That
makes sense.

What about
the epidural?

No, not yet.

JOAN: All right.

[SIGHS]
Sweetie, I love you.

Oh, I love you
so much.

My God.

When you think
about the fact...
Remember when we first...

Wait. Shut up.
I'm having
another contraction.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

She's 100% effaced

and completely
dilated.

All right,
then it's time.

Jamie, honey,
listen to me.

Jamie, listen to me.
You're completely
effaced and dilated.

That means
it's time to push.

Okay. Now.

Now what?
Now drugs.

Now?
Now.

Jamie, honey,
you see, it's too late.

What?

There's a certain window
of opportunity

during which
an epidural
can be administered,

and in your case,
you waited so long,
that, well, now...

Now what?
The window is closed.

What?
It's closed.

It's closed? Open it.
I can't.

You can't open
the window?
The window is closed.

No, no, no.
Open the window.
Honey, it's closed.

Break it! What kind
of doctor are you?

I can't break
the window.
You're fired.

You're fired.
Go on. Get out.

Leave the gloves here
and get out.

Paul, break the window.
I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

All right, Jamie.
You feel like pushing?

Yes.
Okay, let's lift her up.

All right. Push!

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.

One, two, three...

What are you doing?
What?

Why are you squishing
your face like that?

'Cause I'm feeling
your pain.

But not really.
I'm okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
One, two...

Three, four...

Five, six, seven,
eight, nine...

Oh! [RETCHES]

She's pushing!

[ALL CHEERING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Six, seven, eight, nine...

Ten.
[GROANS]

You're doing so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Paul, come here.

Over here.
You see that?

Hey.
It's your baby's head.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

What a beautiful head.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]
PAUL: Oh!

Sweetie, it's got your little
forehead thing going.

JOAN: Okay, Jamie,
now, one more push.

I can't.

One more push.
I know it's hard, honey,
but you can.

One more push
and this baby will be out.
Come on. You ready?

You ready?
No.

You ready?
No.

You ready?

No.
You ready?

I can't. I really can't.
I just can't.

Yeah, you can, sweetie.

Yeah, you can, you can.

You can do anything.

[SOBBING]

I can.

Yes.

Ready.

Okay?
Okay. Ready.

Ready? Okay.

Push, push...
One, two...

Three...
Push...

Good girl.
Yeah.

Oh, here we go again,
waiting for a baby.

Here it is. Got it. Got it.

[BABY CRIES]

You got yourselves
a beautiful baby girl.

Here you go.
Right there.

That's it.

[BABY CRIES]

Hey, hey.

Look who's here.

Hi.

Hi, little baby.
Hi.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

That's your mommy.
Hi.

I'm your daddy.

Well, welcome
to the world.

And we will be
your hosts.

Yes.

You know what?

What?

Turns out this is
the good room.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear

What's the name?

Still working on it.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[BABY GURGLES]

[LAUGHING]