All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E17 - On The Road-ing

[THUMPS]

PAUL: Ow!

[THUMPS]
Ow.

[CRASHES]

Ow.

Here's your pencil.
Thank you.

Wait a second.

Let me
understand this.

So you never
registered?

No. I didn't want
to make people buy

specific stuff
at a specific place.

Yeah, but you
want presents, don't you?

I would love
to get presents.

I just really don't
want this to be
about presents.

Jamie, it's
a baby shower.

Okay. That.

What?

Calling it
a baby shower.

It just sounds
so Redbookmagazine.

It's just not me.
What do you
want to call it?

Uh, celebration.

Just having
friends over.

Yeah,
that's good.

Catchy.

All right. Fine.
Call it a shower.
Good.

But everybody's
gonna know it's
not that, right?

Yeah.

Now, can we talk
about the games?

Whoa. Games?

James, it's
a baby shower.

Well, I have this friend
in my lamaze class

who plays the guitar.
FRAN: The guitar?

Yeah. She sings
maternal hymns from
third-world countries.

I would like that.

Oh, ok.

Um, we'll
say maybe.

Now, how about
the baby-picture
game?

I love that.

We did it
at my shower.

It was really
silly fun.

Paul, remember?
My shower?

Uh, did
I go to that?

No, but I told
you about it.

The pictures,
with the games?

No.

The games,
with the pictures?

Yes.

Thirty women there.
Yes.

Yeah, I guessed
27 of them right.

Mmm. Well, boy.

God has given you
many gifts.

Okay. So we're gonna
do the baby- picture game,

and we're
gonna do the...

The gummi bears!
The gummi bears!
I wanna do the gummi bears.

Okay. Gummi bears. Um...

I was thinking that we
could all read a poem
by Deena Metzger.

She's this radical
feminist poet, who...

James, maybe we could
do the poems and
the gummi bears.

Okay.
Couple of gummi bears
never hurt anybody.

Because I found
the perfect bottle.
[GASPS]

Look, is that perfect?

That's so cute.

FRAN: Debbie,
it's adorable.

Paul! How cute is this?

Oh, look at that.
Oh, that's cute.

Boy, if you're
nursing a linebacker,
that's just the thing.

It's for gummi bears.

For gummi bears?
Yeah. You fill it
with candy.

I see.

And everybody tries
to guess how many
are in there.

And whoever gets closest
takes all the candy.

Sort of a game, then?

Are you being
left out?
No.

Because you are
being left out.

Sure.
I don't want you to feel
like you're being left out.

See, this is
what I was saying.

Can't we invite men?

Why does it
have to be so clubby?

Okay, Show him
the invitations.
Here, look at these.

Oh, now, that's cute, too.

Now, how cute
is that?

Oh, that's really cute.

Ooh, it's a little
baby's foot.

See the footies,
there.

Oh, open it up.
Open it up!

Oh... "Help us get our baby
off on the right foot."

I gotta say, I like
the bunnies. Look.

These are all so cute.
But look at
these footsies.

Oh, the little
tootsies.

Makes me want
to eat them.

[ALL TALKING TOGETHER]

PAUL: Somebody say
the word "hockey."

What's the matter
with you?

If I hear one more word
about babies and booties

and showers or
anything fuzzy,

I'm gonna put
a bullet in my head.
No kidding around.

Marvin.

The words
"fuzzy baby booties"

will not pass
through these lips.

Thank you.

Hey, Paulie.
What did I tell you?

Everybody
told you this.

Once you have a baby,
everything changes.

What baby?
There is no baby.

There's just
talk of a baby.

When is the baby?
How's the baby?

What kind of baby?
Let's have a shower
for the baby.

I'm telling you,
it is inhuman.

Boy, somebody sounds
neglected, eh?

You know what, leave work
right now. Come play
basketball with me.

I can't come
play basketball.
Come on! A half an hour.

We'll run around,
sweat, shove each other,
you'll enjoy it.

Sounds tempting,
but I can't right now.

Marvin, what
do you say?

You know,
I would love to.
No.

Let me finish.

I would love to,
but my boss is cruel
and demanding.

How about a beer?

You can get away
for a beer, can't you?

Paulie, at this
moment, no, I...

One beer. Come on.
We'll sit, we'll drink,
we'll watch girls.

We'll say things
that are unkind.
I'm sorry.

Maybe... Maybe a little
fistfight with tourists
from other lands.

You don't get it. This
weekend would be fine.
But right now...

Ira, I need this.

I need this.
It's important.

I'm becoming unwell.

You know what you need?

You need to get away,
my friend.

You need to get
out of town, just
like you used to do.

You know, my folks
have a place upstate.

I was thinking of
going this weekend.

If you want, you could...
Yes.

It isn't much.
Yes.

It's just
a cabin, really.
Yes.

It's a bit of a drive,
three hours without traffic.
That's okay.

Yes. Marvin,
I'm saying to you, yes.

Great.
Yeah.

Paulie,
are you serious?

Yeah. Come with us.
It'd be great.

Three guys in a...
Who's got a car?

I got a van.

Good. Three guys
in a van with nothing to do.

But we'll just drive,
go somewhere, and be guys.

Are you in?

What, this weekend?
Yes.

You, me, and Marvin?
Yes.

Oh, what the hell.
Let's do it.

All right.
Wait... Wait a minute.

You think James
is gonna let you
go away?

What are you saying?

I'm just saying,
you know.

She's pregnant now,
she can't get out of town.

Okay. Is it the best
time to go away? No.

Is she gonna love
that I'm going away?

No, but, come on,
give me a break here.

You gotta
take care of you.

Really. I mean, you know,
everybody worries about
the baby and the mommy.

Who's worrying
about you?

Thank you. I mean,
strangers go over to her.
They see she's pregnant,

they start
rubbing her belly.

Oh, look,
a little baby.

What about me?

You know,
nobody's rubbing
anything of mine.

I'm part of this, too.

Of course
you are.

Yeah, see, nobody thinks
about the daddy in this.

Nobody.

Paulie, go and sell this
to your wife, all right?

What does that mean?

All I'm saying is,
good luck to you.

Okay, is it the best time
to be going away? No.

Do I expect you to love
that I'm going away? No.

You know,
I know it's not fair.

I mean,
you're pregnant,
I'm not.

So it's easier for me
to pick up and go.

For you, it's not.
But listen...

Things are never going
to be exactly equal, you know,

and just like you
have your needs,
I have my needs, too,

and right now I'm saying
I really need to go away

and be with some guys
for a while.

That's it.
And if you can't
understand that,

then maybe we have
bigger problems
than we think.

Go.

[SINGING TO RADIO]
♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Aah!

BOTH: Marvin, Marvin.
[CAR HONKING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

RADIO: ♪ Shake it up, baby, now

♪ Shake it up, baby

I tell you, if people
got together and sang
that song every day,

the world would
be a better place
to live in.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
No question.

♪ ...work it on out

♪ Work it on out ♪

Can I just say
this is so much better

than baby showers
and booties?

Oh, boy, here's to two days
of not having to be
sensitive.

We are here
for you, my friend.

Oh, this is great.

It's truly magnificent,
huh, boys?

Mmm. And can I say,

only with guys
would you have this.

That's right.
Amen.

Yes. Nothing
against women.

Hey, now, goes
without saying.

It's just that
with guys...what is it?

There's a thing,
there's a sharing, there's
a frequency we all share.

'Cause all guys
have been through
the same thing.

That's so true, Marvin.
That's so true.

For example,
all guys have been
through your mother.

Ow! Ow!
[LAUGHING]

Tell me something
I don't know.

That's true.
It really is.

I mean, guys...
I mean, everything
that you think is you,

every time, you talk
to enough guys,

it's happened
to them, too.

That's true.
So true. So true.

[BALLAD PLAYING ON RADIO]

All right, all right,
you know what?

I'm gonna tell
you guys something that
I haven't told anybody.

Seriously?

Totally seriously.

Should I turn down
the music?

Whatever. Uh...
[MUSIC STOPS]

Last week,
for the very first
time in my life,

I... I, ac...

Uh, actually, forget it.
Forget it.

What, are you
kidding me? What?

We're
in a mutual-trust
situation here.

Absolutely.
Go ahead.

Eh, come on.
It's us.
It's us.

All right, all right.
What the hell.

Last week,
for the very first
time in my life, okay?

I'm dating this girl.

Her name is
Laurie Grobman,

and I, uh...

You couldn't...

Paulie, who told you?

Well, I took
a wild guess.

Couldn't what?

I couldn't, you know...

For the first time
in my life, Marvin,

I... I failed in
my obligations, you know?

I am totally lost.

The man was impotent!

I think I made
a wrong turn.

I have no idea
where I am.

IRA: Hey, come on.

I thought at least
this would engender
some conversation.

All right,
I got something.

All right,
Marvin's gonna go.

Well, it better
be good, Marvin,
'cause I shared.

Same ballpark.

Yeah?
All right, go.

You... You know
how when you're
with a woman,

and you're in bed
and everything...

And you want it
to last?

Sure, sure.

And you...
You know how

the longer you go at it,
the... the better?

Of course.

Sometimes...

It doesn't
last that long.

Hey, Marvin,
that happens.

Sometimes
not long at all.

Ah. Whatever.

Sometimes 10...

12 seconds.

Sometimes less.

Hey, well, listen,
Marvin, you know, uh,

what guys haven't
been through that?

You know, I mean,
it kind of happens
to everybody.

Yeah?

Sure.
Okay. Sure.

You know,
I never really
said anything,

'cause
you never know,
you... you know?

Ah, sure, yeah.

Boy...

Feels good
to say that

to a couple of guys!

So you don't feel
like a freak.

Hey, hey, Marvin.

[BELL RINGS]

I can't believe I
said that out loud.

Wow, you guys
are great.

You know, Marvin,
what the problem may be?

And I'm just guessing,

but maybe you're
a big sissy?

What?

I was just... you know,
as a possibility,

to me it's not
out of the question

that what may
be the issue

is that you're just
a big fat sissy.

Is that a joke?

A what? Yes,
of course it's a joke.

Well, I... I don't
think it's funny.

Marvin...
That's a stupid
thing to say.

Of course it's
a stupid thing
to say.

That's the whole point
of the joke. Otherwise...

What are you doing?

Hey, Marvin!

That was not
very sensitive.

[DOG BARKS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Need a shammy?

No. I do not
need a shammy.

Nice shammy cloth.

Thank you, no.
All right.

So where is he,
Paulie?

He will be back.
He'll be back.

It's been
almost an hour.

I can't believe I wanted
to have a little break
from sensitivity,

and now I gotta go
say I'm sorry to Marvin.

Hey, you guys
buying or looking?

Well, I'd like
to browse just
a little longer,

seeing as you have
such a wide selection
of jerkies.

Did you learn
nothing?
What?

You get
this guy mad,

he's gonna make us
wait outside.

We're not dressed
for winter.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir.

Uh...

I, uh... Here is
our situation.

We... This is funny,
actually.

Our friend drove off
with our wallets in the van,

and, uh,
getting a bit thirsty.

Water hose
over by the pump.

Okay. Good.

Also we're getting, um,
a little bit hungry,

and couldn't help
but notice you got

a mouth-watering array
of both
chip and nut products,

and we were just kind of
wondering if we could

possibly get maybe
a couple cans of soda

and, uh, say,
a bag of chips
on credit?

And then, you know,
just till our friend
comes back.

Credit?
Sorry, boys.

"No credit,
no how, no way."

Yes. I can
see how for...

How you have that up
for everybody,

but this is a...
A little bit of a...

Special circumstances,
don't you think?

Sorry. No credit.

Okay.

You know what?

Put your hands up.

What's the matter
with you, anyway?

"Put your hands up"?

It was a joke,
an obvious joke.

Does that look
like a gun? Come on.

That's clearly fingers.

Paulie, it was
a bad joke.

It's not like I was
inside a pocket, pretending.

It was out there.

It was raw fingers,
knuckles, and nails,

no metal. A joke.

No, no, no. Look, a joke
is when people laugh, okay?

A bad joke is when
people brandish firearms

and kick you out
into the freezing cold

while your warm clothes
are stuck in a van

where somebody else
who you already pissed off,

drove away
and left you to die.

That, mon frere,
is a bad, bad joke.

Everybody
is so sensitive.

I make jokes
with you all the time.

I make fun of you.

Yeah, and I you.
Yeah.

Paulie, we know
each other.

The rest of the world
isn't like us.

Sorry, so,
is that my problem
or their problem?

[ANIMAL HOWLING]

Right now...

I would say
that's our problem.

IRA: I do not
like this one iota.

PAUL: Come on.
We're gonna make it.

So, guess where
I ate last week.

Huh?

That place, Il Molino.

How did you get in?

It was Tuesday.
There was, like,
nobody there.

Ah.

What'd you have?

Just the pasta.

I'm telling you,
my feet are freezing.

I can't feel my toes.

You know what?
We gotta keep moving.

We just gotta
keep moving, see?

That's how to stay warm.

Hey, cut it out.
Hey, this is good.

This keeps
the blood circulating.
This is all good.

Come on, you don't
want me to hit you
right now.

Come on. You should try it.
You should try it.
Come on, one shot.

Cut it out.
You couldn't even
get in here.

Look at that.
Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.

Come on. One shot.
You couldn't even
touch me. Ow!

What are you, nuts?

You told me
to hit you.

Not in the face,
you jackass.
It's freezing.

I know it's freezing.

It stings
when it's cold.

Paulie, you said
one shot.

One shot. Come here.
I'll give you one shot.

All right.
You ripped my pants.
Are you happy now?

Brand new pants,
Paulie.

Look at this.
Just look at this.

Hey. Better yet,
look at this.

It looks like our friend
Marvin is here.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Three ball,
corner pocket.

Marvin.

You scratched.

Thanks, Paul.

No, thank you,
Marvin.

All right, all right, boys.
Why don't we go sit down.

We'll talk
this thing out,
all right?

I'm not
talking to you.

Yo, Marvin,
Paulie's not
the only guy

you ditched
back there, all right?

Look at me. I lost
three toes and
a brand-new pair of pants.

Well, I tried to give you
a sign that I was leaving.

You did?

Yeah.
I was doing this.

Oh, uh, I didn't
catch that.

Well, I did.
I'm sorry you got
caught in the middle.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry about it.

And you, you got
a peculiar idea
of what constitutes a joke.

You know what?

You're the one who called
Marvin a sissy?

Hi. How are you tonight?

That kind
of name-calling stuff
is so old, man.

And who are these
fine young ladies?

Huh? I don't know.

That's her, and
that's her friend.

Uh, I'm Darla, and...

Dawn.

How you doing?

You believe
this guy?

Creep.

Hey, can
I buy you ladies
a domestic beer?

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry
if your feelings
were hurt.

Are you?

Not that much.

The point is,
it was a joke.

It was... Was it
an insensitive joke?

Yes, but that
was the point,

because we were
all sharing.

We were all being
open and vulnerable,

so I think, "Okay, what is
the worst thing to say?"

And then go ahead
and say that.

What?

Okay, look, here's rude,
and here's me.

So I'm one level
past being rude,

because how
could I be rude
if I know it's rude, see?

So I'm smart.
I already know it's rude,

and I think you're
up there with me,
together,

making fun
of the rudeness.

That's a joke
that we were sharing.

See I thought
that you and I,

we could make fun
of the same thing,

and that it
would be funny.

I'm going
to the can.

I just can't reason
with that guy.

Why would you
call Marvin a sissy?

It was a joke,
ma'am.

I don't get it.
Me, neither.

If I may,
I don't get it myself.

How is that funny?

Do you want me
to explain it?

Yes.
Yes.

It's...

Okay, to me,

it's funny because it's
so wrong, you know?

It's so far into wrong

that it becomes funny,

because it's
so inappropriate.

You see what I mean?
It's the worst
thing to do.

It's like laughing
at a funeral.

You laugh
at funerals?

That's sick.

Again, I can
honestly say

that I have never
laughed at a funeral,
but that's me.

Okay, you want to hear
something funny?

This is funny.

Tell them
the one about...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. What do
you call a dog
with three legs?

Nothing.
'Cause no matter
what you call him,

he ain't gonna come.

[LAUGHING]

You heard it
before?

I heard it
before, yes.

Actually, in fact,
I think the joke is

"what do you call
a dog with no legs?"

What?

The way I heard it,
the actual joke is

"What do you call a dog
with no legs?" See?

You said "three legs."

"No legs" is
the only difference.

See, because three legs...

You call a dog with
three legs, he could still...

He could, you know,
hobble over.

So he's hobbling,
and he would get
there eventually.

It would take him
a while, but he'd
get there somehow,

'cause he can do it.

A dog with no legs,
he's not coming...

Ever.

A dog
with no legs?

That is so sad.

I mean, how's
he gonna eat?
How's he gonna play?

No, I'm not...
I'm not condoning it.
That's the actual...

What's the matter
with you?

Your friend has
a real problem.

I'm just saying
the actual joke...

Look, maybe you should
just give it a rest, mister.

Okay, but you
brought up the joke.
Walk away.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
go play pool with guys.

[SIGHS]

You're friends
with him?

Him? No. No way.

He's really insensitive.

But, yeah, but
that's why it's funny.

Don't you see?

To call a man
a sissy...

Doesn't seem
very funny to me.

No, it's not.
It's, see...

But see, we were
all being out there

and open
and vulnerable.

We were all sharing.

Let me tell you
something.

There's nothing
sissy-like
about sharing.

Nah... Maybe I'm not
explaining the joke
properly.

I've been in AA
for 12 years now.

I think I can safely say
it saved my life.
Me, too.

You know how?
No.

By being open,
vulnerable, sensitive.

Hey, listen, I'm
the most sensitive guy
in the world.

All I'm saying...
Easiest thing
in the world

is to make fun
of somebody who's
having a problem.

Listen,

with the help of
these good friends,

I haven't had a drink
in over 12 years.

No kidding?
Is that true?

April 23 will be
13 years.

Wow. Hey, that is
some accomplishment.
No kidding.

Well, good for you.

Let me buy you a drink,
and we'll celebrate.

Are you out
of your mind?

See, that's
the same joke.
I know...

That's not
a joke, mister.

You don't have to laugh,
but I know that that's
a bad thing to say,

so I say it to be funny.
That's all...

Son, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.
What happened?

You're disturbing
my customers.

Me?

I'm afraid so.

Wait, you're throwing me out
because of a joke?

Am I going out
of my mind here?

This is not a baby shower,
it's a bar, you know?

There's liquor,
and people curse.

You better not
start cursing now.

I'm not gonna curse...

Okay, you know what?
We got off on the wrong foot.

You don't know me.
I happen to be
the nicest guy in the world.

But even the nicest guy
once in a while,

on occasion, has just
got to be insensitive.

Why?
Why what?

Why do you have
to be insensitive?

Are you kidding me?

What... I mean, am I
your biggest problem?

Right now.

You want to talk
about offensive?

Have you seen
the graffiti?

Look at your bar.
You got genitalia
carved in your wood.

That's
disgusting.

I didn't do it.

I'm sorry about
my friend here.

He's a little
wound up.

You know, his wife is
about to have a baby.

ALL: Aww.

You're having a baby?

Well, soon, yeah.

That is just
such a miracle.

It's not a miracle.
I have two of my own.

Ashley is seven,
and Jordan is three.

Why didn't you tell
us that you were
gonna have a baby?

Well, 'cause I
don't know you.

Is it a boy or girl?
One of the two.

Oh, I hope it's
gonna be a girl.

This is my
sister's little girl.
She's just seven months.

Ooh, look at that.
Her name's Madison.

Look at those
little cheeks.

Don't you just
want to bite them?

Num num num.

This is so cute.

RADIO:
♪ Aah

♪ Aah

♪ Shake it up, baby, now ♪

Look at this.

This is adorable.

You like it?
Oh, it's so cute.

I'm glad
you liked it.
I thought you would.

It has the feet
with little fuzzy booties.

And look, in the back,
it has the little
bunny cottontail.

So, the baby falls
on his little
baby bottom,

it's all cushioned
nice softy, softy.

You picked this out?
I did.

Aww.

Sissy.

Thank you.

So, this guy,
he's got a dog,

and, um, oh, he loves
this dog so much,

and the dog's
only got, um...

Three...

Two legs. Two.

I'll get it right
when we get down there.

That's a ways to go,
and, um...

Oh, he's gonna throw,
eh, the ball to the...

He's got a beautiful
backyard, and he...

You haven't heard
this one before?

No. Not at all.
Okay.

So he throws it, uh, to...

No, he's gonna
throw it.

What's the dog's name?

Oh, oh, here it is.
Here it is.

What do you call
a dog with three legs?

No, it's no legs,
and the answer's "nothing",

'cause no matter
what you call him,
he ain't coming.

What's the matter
with you?