All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E16 - Her Houseboy Coco-ing

New York, huh?
Hmm? Yeah.

It's just such
a romantic city.

It really is.

You know what?
See you later.

All right.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

MAN: [ON RADIO] Traffic
and weather together,
35 times an hour.

It's three degrees
in New York,

but good news!
It'll be going up to four.

[RADIO TURNS OFF]

[SHIVERS]
Okay.

So, A, good morning.
[GROANS]

And two, is there
anybody in the country
colder than us?

Where is the heat?
I think the pipes
broke again.

We gotta call
Mr. Wicker.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

The man's not just a super,
he's a psychic.

Hello?
Hey, Daddy.

PAUL: Hey, Joan.
Can Jamie get on?

Yeah. Hold on.
It's Joan.

So tell me.
Little hiccup.

I knew it.
Very minor.

Remember that thing we talked about the other day?

I went over your sonogram
with Dr. Hutchinson,

and he agrees
that it's placenta previa.

Uh-huh.
Which means
that the placenta's

just a little too close
to your cervix.

Uh-huh. Which is nothing to worry about.

It'll correct itself
with two or three days'
bed rest.

That's it?
Just bed rest?

Mm-hmm. I told you.
Very minor.

All right,
well, I should probably
try to stay in bed.

No, you have
to stay in bed.

I understand.
If I need to get
out of bed for a second...

No, you have to stay
in bed.

I'm just saying
if for one second...

JOAN: Jamie!
I should probably
just stay in bed.

That is correct.

Not so much
as a foot on the floor.
Let me talk to Paul.

Hello, sir.

What are you doing
for the next two
or three days?

Uh, not much.
Today I got a meeting...

JOAN: What are you
doing for the next two
or three days?

Tomorrow I'm supposed
to go up...

What are you
doing for the next two
or three days?

Am I staying home
taking care of my wife?
Yes!

Whatever she wants you get,
whatever she says you do.

If she leaves that bed,
it's your fault.
Got it?

Uh, my fault. Good.

If there are
any distractions,

any stress, any anything,
it's what, Paul?

Entirely my fault?
Yup.

Jamie, feel good.
Behave yourself.
I'll check in later.

Tell my sister-in-law
to feel good.

Debbie, too, would
like you to feel good.

JAMIE: Tell her thank you.PAUL: Thanks, Joan.

So it's minor, right?

That's what she said.
She said "very minor."

A couple of days'
bed rest.

You like the bed,
right?

I love the bed.
You sleep in this bed
every night.

I do.So it will be like that,
just a little longer.

Not my favorite phone call.
No. No, okay.

But you know what?
I am here,
and I will take care of you.

Oh, I don't want you
to have to take care of me.

Please. It's my honor.
It's my thrill.

Really?
Come on.
This will be fun.

Uh...
What?

Nothing.
No, no, no, no, no.

No, see? Right here.
You tell me.

I was going
to get out of bed
and grab a sweater

'cause I'm cold,
but I don't want you
to have to get out of bed...

See? That's the kind
of thing. Sweater
is coming up.

Oh, it's cold!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Wow! Wow! Wow!

Ok, no, sweetie,
you got to learn.

You got to learn
to go with this.
Doctor's orders.

No, no, no, honey.
Other drawer.

Other drawer, okay.
I'm sorry.

Sweater.

No, pullover.
Pullover.

Okay.
Sorry.

Honey,
that's a vest.
Vest. No vest. No vest.

How about here?
Scratchy.

Too scratchy.
Here. Nice, huh?

Ehh... Uh...
No? Okay, all right.

Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, see? I was kidding
with the other sweaters.

Wow! Wow! Wow!
It's cold!

Thank you.
Hey, please,
no problem.

I'm so sorry.

Sweetie,
you have to learn

to let others
do for you.

Well, I feel guilty.

Guilty? Hey, you're
going to deprive me

of the privilege
of nursing you and

your little placenta
back to health?

You're very nice.

I'm very nice
and very cold.

I can dial the phone.
Hey, hey, hey.

Not on my watch.
[KEYPAD BEEPING]

I'm going to get
Mr. Wicker up here
tout de suite,

take care of you.
You shouldn't be cold.

Mr. Wicker,
Buchmans, 11-D.

I need you up here
right away.
There's no...

The whole building?

I see. I see.

I see. Okay.

He'll be here
whenever he can.

In the meantime,
what would you like
for breakfast?

Oh, you don't have
to make me breakfast.

Hey, breakfast
is just the beginning.

There'll be breakfast,
there'll be lunch,
there'll be dinner

and snacks in between.

All brought to you
by me, your loving
houseboy, Coco.

Now, tell me. Tell me
what you would like
for breakfast.

Whatever is easy.
Cereal.

[SCOFFS] Come on.

Whatever. An egg.

An egg?

Don't insult Coco.

Seriously?
You tell me.

Anything your
little heart desires.

Anything my heart desires.

Okay.

Potato pancakes?

All right, sir.
Forget it.
I don't need it. I'm fine.

No, no!
Potato pancakes it is.

Coco leaves now.

Coco's cold!
I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay, it's really...
You know what,
it's not even that bad.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Coco's getting dressed.

Coco's going
to get dressed
a little more.

Now I'm dressed,

albeit like an extra
in Gandhi,

but still I'm all right.

I'm okay.
Ready to face the...

Oh, no.
What?

What did you do?

What did you do?
What did he do?

He retiled the bathroom.
He peed!

He peed
on the bathroom floor.

What did you do?

Does he look all right
to you?

I don't know. Does he?

I don't know.
He just seems...
Not himself.

He seems
a little distant,
a little detached.

A little blase.

Murray, are you blase?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Ma. Still got
those keys, do you?

Uh-huh.
Good. That's nice.

Uh, what are you
doing here?

I come up here
sometimes during the day.

You're usually gone.

Well,
isn't that something?
I did not know that.

PAUL: No.

What's with you?
You're still in bed.

Joan's orders.
Really?

Two or three days'
bed rest.

Oh, well,
it's lucky I'm here.

I can get whatever
you want.

No. Ma.
I'm here for that.

In fact, you know what?
We should not even have
anybody else here.

Well, don't mind me.

I'm just going
to measure the room.

You're gonna what?

You remember that crib
you liked?

I got the catalog.

Really?
SYLVIA: Yup.

And I was thinking
that if you just
got rid of the piano,

the crib could go
right there.

Oh! Who peed
on the bathroom floor?

Interestingly enough
it was colorful method actor
Christopher Walken.

He was here earlier.

What did you do?

What did you do?

Forget it, Ma.
Either he doesn't know,
or he just won't say.

NAT: Hey, there! Ho, there!
Is everybody, uh, decent
in here?

Yeah, Nat.
Come on in.
Hey, Nat.

Hey, Mr. Buchman.
Oh, hey, two generations
of Mrs. Buchmans.

Hi, Nat.
Hey, there, Murray.

Hey, there,
Murray Tyler Moore.

I know what
you're thinking, Murray.

'Tain't a fit day
for man nor beast
to go out there,

but I have good news
for man and beast today.

I have purchased
matching Gore-Tex parkas.

Honey, look!
PAUL: That was awfully
considerate of you, Nat.

Oh, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you

Murray of the north.
Heh?

Is that smart-looking?

That is
a very smart outfit.

In terms of the walk,
I think you're actually
a little bit late.

Late?
What do you...

Oh! Oh!

What did you do?

Huh? What did you do?

Murray, if you talk now,
they may go easy on you.

Mr. And Mrs. Buchman,
I am so sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Nat.
No, no, no, please.
I will clean it up.

If you don't mind,
if I may use this
newspaper.

The "arts
and leisure," though,
I didn't read yet...

I'll skip it now, though.

You know, this dog
doesn't look right
to me.

I was just saying that.

He looks glazed over
like your father

when we saw
The English Patient.

He does.
You see?
I think maybe it's time...

To set him free.

What are you
talking about?

Unleash him
to walk freely
in heavenly pastures.

Put Murray to sleep?
Hey, there!

Besides,
you're having a baby.
Ho, there.

I'm just saying
maybe you don't want
a dog anymore.

Hey, there.
Ho, there.
Hippy how how.

Ma, this is Murray.
We love Murray.

Oh, yeah,
big animal lover.

Do you know
that he once flushed
a turtle down the toilet

because he was tired
of feeding it?

No.
I was four years old, Ma.

What we are at four,
we are at 40.

Does he look all right
to you?

Huh? Oh, yeah,
Mrs. Buchman.

He looks right as rain.

Uh, all right, uh,
I guess we'll be
on our way, then.

Come on, Murray.

Come on, Murray Povich.

Come on, Murray
queen of, uh, Scots.

[SNIFFLES]

How could you not
be crying?

Strength of character.

Look, can I please
help you...

No, Ma. No.
We're all done.

I got everything
under control.

Coco is here.

Who's Coco?
I'm Coco.

I'm leaving.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get that.
No, no, no.
Coco gets the phone.

Hello.
Hey, Paulie.

Hey, hi, Ira.

Paulie, is everything
all right?
Yeah, it's fine.

How come you're crying?

I'm not crying.
I'm making
potato pancakes.

and there's onions.

Oh. Listen, Paulie,

Did you forget
about the meeting
or what?

Oh, the contract!
Yeah.

You know what,
can you sign for me?

I don't think so,
Paulie, no.

You know what,
just forge my signature.

The stupid suits,
they won't know
the difference.

Well, they might.
Why?

Well, you know,
they're all
right here, Paulie,

with me
on the speakerphone.

Did they like
my little joke?

Listen,
I'll call you back,
all right?

PAUL: Sweetie,
you okay in there?
Uh-huh!

Do you think
you could bring me
my toothbrush, though?

I'll get it!
No, no, no.
Mom, I got it.

That's Coco's job.
Coco's got it.
Sorry.

No, no, no.
No sorrys.
What's the matter?

Nothing.
Why are you crying?

Just 'cause I love you
so much.

Onions?
And that.

Here we go.
[BLOWS KISS]
Thank you.

And some toothpaste.

Toothpaste, of course.

Toothpaste
without toothbrush?
Sorry.

No, please.

Very important part
of the whole
brushing process.

And some water.

Boy, it's like I never
brushed my own teeth
in my life. Okay.

I'm sorry.
Oh, please.

What did Coco say?
No sorrys.
Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Water and an extra
bonus spittoon.

Coco is very good
to me.

Hey, you're nice enough
to bear Coco's child.

Honey?
What's the matter?

What is that smell?

What? What?
What is that smell?

What smell?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hey, Ma! Hey! Whoa!

Do you not smell
half the village
is burning?

Suddenly Wolfgang Puck
needs help.

Aye! Aye! Aye!
Aye! Aye! Aye!

JAMIE:
Are they ok?
Yes. Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I think actually made
potato coasters.

I'm sorry.

What did we say?
No sorrys.

The next ones will be
oh, so potato-licious.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Coco is on the ball here.

Hello.
Hello.

Hey, there, Mr. Buchman.
Ho, there, Mrs. Buchman.

It's Nat on the line here.

Nat, is everything
all right?

Yes, it is.

Um, I did want to tell you
one thing, however,

and that is that I have,
for his own protection,

I have kidnapped Murray.

If I may.

What are you talking about?
What do you mean?

Um, I'll call you back.
Call you back.
JAMIE: What?

PAUL:
What is that?
Paul?

Huh? Ho!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hang on! Hang on!

Ho! Hey! Not good. Ho!

Okay. Here we go.

How you enjoying the day
so far?

Our dog has been
kidnapped.

Honey, it's Nat,
you know?

It's not the Symbionese
Liberation Army.

I want my dog back.

Okay, okay, okay,
come on.

No stress,
no distractions,
no nothing.

Can you get me some water?

Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello.

Hey, there, Mrs. Buchman.
It's Nat here.

Nat. Thank God.

So, how are you?

I'm fine, Nat.

Would you bring
our dog back
right now, please?

I'd like to do that,
Mrs. Buchman.
I truly would,

but unfortunately,
I cannot,

and beyond that I will not

until certain demands
are regretfully met.

What do you mean?
What kind of demands?

Um, I'll call you back.

No, no, no. Why do you have
to keep calling us back?

Come on, Mr. Buchman,
everybody knows

you keep me
on the phone line

for greater than 60 seconds,
you can trace the call.

Nat, we don't have
to trace the call.

We know you're calling
from your apartment.

How...

How you know that?

Nat, I have your number,

and if you hang up,
I'm just going
to call you back.

Fine. It won't do you
any good.
Why not?

'Cause I'm not here...
There. Damn!

Nat, listen to me.

I'm sorry. 60 seconds.
I'll call you back.

Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, boy.

Of all the days
to get your dog
kidnapped.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hey, there. Nat here.

Nat, it's Paul.
Oh! Oh!

He's just going
to keep hanging up,
isn't he?

Will you get me
a tissue?

Yeah.
I'll get you a tissue.

Boy, I guess
the whole polite phase,
that's over, huh?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Nat, please.
What do we have to do
to get Murray back?

Huh?
Hello?

May I please speak
to Sylvia Buchman?

JAMIE: Uh, Burt?
Who is this?

She'll call you back.
Okay. I'm at...

[JAMIE HANGS UP]

Tissues.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Burt, she'll
call you back.

Oh. All right, then.
Bye-bye.

Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat!
Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat!

Oh, all right, um, well,
here are my demands, then,

Mr. And Mrs. Buchman.

Um, you got
a writing implement there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pencil, pencil, pencil.
[WHISTLES]

You're taking
to this asking for things
like a fish to water.

Okay, go ahead.

Of course, if this were Dog Day Afternoon

or Three Days
of the Condor,

I would be demanding
such items as a chopper
to the airport.

Nat, what are
your demands?

Well, um...
Oh! I'll call you back.

No, no, no!
Nat! Nat!

What is this now?
We're just snapping?

What?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?
MAN: Wicker.

Come in!
Mr. Wicker, thank God.

It is so cold.

Sorry about the pipes.

What's that smell,
horses?

Oy, oy, ooh, oy!

Okay, that doesn't
sound good at all.

You got
a major problem here.
Can I use your phone?

No, no, no.
Paul, cell phone.

Cell phone!

You know,
you wouldn't know it
to look at her,

but my wife only recently

had a problem
asking people
to do things for her.

I wouldn't know.
Yes.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
BOTH: Who is it?

BURT: It's Burt.
Burt Buchman.

Paul's father.

Sylvia, Burt called.

Dad,
what are you doing?
Come in.

Nobody called me back.
It's my fault.

What do I smell,
tires?

You take this end here
and go back in there.

Good news. The Spehr brothers
plumbers are on their way.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who is it?

Lisa!
Come in!

Okay. You know this plant
you gave me for Christmas?

Died.

Already?
What'd you do,
strangle it?

You're going to have
to return it.

Lisa, this is really
not the best time.

What are you
still doing in bed?

Joan's orders.
I got to stay in bed
for a couple of days.

Oh, you're sick?

Let's play Yahtzee.
No, no, no.

No Yahtzee.
No Yahtzee.

It causes stress
and is very loud.

Oh, you just don't know
how to play.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who's that?

Debbie.
Come in.

Debbie, come in.

I know I'm not
supposed to be here.
Ma.

I'm so excited
I couldn't help myself.

You know that gift
I was having made
for Joan's birthday?

Uh-huh.
I have to show you this.

It's a charm bracelet

with all of the medical
instruments on it.

Oh.
All right, Deb,
that's enough.

You never saw it.
Hey, you want
to play Yahtzee?

Yahtzee? Ooh!

What have we got here,
a 42-foot crib is going in
here? What's happening?

How long is that?
BURT: 11 feet.

Good.
[YELLING]

BURT: Ooh!
You okay?

Why did you
stand there?

Why didn't you move
when you saw it
coming?

It was like a bullet.

You have any Band-Aids?
Yeah, yeah,
right in there.

Debbie, they're
in the nightstand.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who is it?

MAN: Spehr brothers.
WICKER: Come on in.

The Spehr brothers.
Wow. That was fast.

We were right down
the hall.

All right, then,
it was slow, actually.

WICKER:
Right over here.

Boy, guys,
it's nice to see you.

It has been so cold
in here.

Yahtzee!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?
Hey, Paulie, it's Ira!

Ira?
Yeah. Can I come in?

At this point, what the hell
is the difference?

Paulie, I would
like you to meet
Rauschling and Partners.

Huh?
Suits. Suits.

Well, uh, you know,
it's not the best time.
I'm a little busy,

and I'm sorry I made fun
of your suits before.

As you see,
who am I to talk?
You know what I'm saying?

Give me a minute...

Say hello to my parents,
Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

How do you do?
My hand.

You'll be fine.
Just have a seat there.
You'll be fine.

You know how many
apartments we did
today already? 105.

I can imagine.

How you doing?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who's that?

NAT: It's Nat.
Nat, please!

Nat, come in.
Absolutely, come in.

Hello.
Whoa. Jeez, who are
all these people?

We don't know.

You setting me up,
Mr. Buchman?

No, we're not
setting you up.

Nat, where's Murray?
Don't worry
about Murray, please.

He's being kept
in a safe place

till our
transaction here
is complete.

I made up a list
of demands here.

If you'd be
good enough
to review it

And, please,
to sign it.

Nat, I trust you.
I'm sure there's
no reason to read it.

With all due respect,
Mr. Buchman,

I put a lot of work
into the document, so...

A list of demands, honey.
"We agree not to put
Murray to sleep

"no matter how old
he gets."

No problem with that.

"We agree to continue
to love Murray,

"no matter how many
children we may have."

I mean, like,
two or five.

Whatever.
Yes, we love Murray.

"We solemnly pledge
to brush his teeth

"by hand once a week."

The dog does not need...
Okay, okay!
I'll brush his teeth.

I'll brush his teeth.
Fine.

We got a deal,
then, huh?

Yes, we have a deal.

Okay.
Can we have Murray?
Where is Murray?

[WHISTLES]

PAUL: Oh, here...
All right.

I got some more
great news.

The Spehr brothers
have done it again.
We have heat.

Oh, hallelujah.
Thank you, gentlemen.
You're brilliant.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Oh, my God. Hey.

[LOUDLY] Hey!
Hey, there. Ho, there.
Hippy how how.

Oh, my God!

This is not
what it looks like.
I know that.

Paul, Paul, do you know
what all this is?

This is entirely
my fault?
Bingo.

LISA: Yahtzee!

She didn't mean bingo.
Take care of this.
Do your job.

You're going to have
to leave.
Do your job, Paul.

I'm trying to do my job.

You really all
have to get going.

Paul, do your job.

[SHOUTING] Everybody out!
Let's go!

We don't need a crib
for months.

It's never too soon
to think about cribs.

Okay, Pop,
you're going to be fine.

I used your last
Band-Aid.

That's okay.
You gotta go.

Let's go. Rauschlings,
where do I sign?

Right here.
Right here.

Okay. We're signing.
Thank you very much.

Show them the door.
I can stay.

No, you really can't.
Goodbye.
Thanks for coming.

Good luck
to your whole nation.
Thank you very much.

Plumbers, terrific.
Very much enjoying the heat.

You should think
about doing a film
about plumbers.

I will do that someday.

Mr. Wicker,
you're my hero.

I'll see you next summer.
Yes, of course.

Debbie, I can't believe
you're here.

Does anyone
listen to me?

I couldn't help myself.

Why don't you go home
and think about

what you've done wrong,
young lady, okay?

Lisa! Go!
Yes? No!

Yes, go!
Take the Yahtzee.
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Nat,
you're a wonderful man,

but it's time to play
You Bet Your Life.

Sorry I had to resort
to a capital crime

to make my point here,
Mr. Buchman.

You know what,
we appreciate it.
It's no problem.

In fact, would you mind
taking him for the rest
of the day?

Would I?
Come on, Murray Osmond.

Come on,
RoseMurray's Baby.

Very good, Paul.
I am very proud of you.

Well, I'm not done.
You! Out!

I came to check
on Jamie.

Well, Jamie's fine,
isn't she?
Out! Out! Out!

I'll be back after
he's over his little
power trip.

I'll bet.

See? Coco has done
his job.

Man, I'm hungry.

All right, now,
Murray, believe me.

I am not looking forward
to this

any more than you are.

You don't want to have
your teeth brushed,

I don't want to be
brushing them,

but I am legally bound
to brush these teeth.

Now, let me just
give you the rundown.

This is the brush.
I'll be coming at you.

I'll be putting a little
of this toothpaste

onto the brush.
Here's what
you're going to see.

You're going to see
a side, side, side,
up, down, up, down.

All right. Up, down,
up, down... Murray.

Side, side, side.

Now, I'm doing just
the teeth that show,
all right?

There's no point,
and Nat's never
going to see

the ones in the back,
all right?

So just the ones
that show.

All right? Now...

I'm going to ask you
one time and one time
only.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

I'm going to try.