All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E13 - Astrology-ing

Can you put eggs
in the microwave?

[THUDDING]

[BEEPING]

No.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

PAUL: So, Professor Tomassi,
how'd you like
my documentary?

PROFESSOR TOMASSI:
Your film? Buchman?
Yes.

Did you... Did you
get a chance to watch it?

Yes, I did.

And?

Truthfully?
Please.

I thought
it was wonderful.

Oh! Get outta here!

Oh, yes, I found it
to be very moving,

well-paced...
Oh, good.

Marvelously spirited...
Good, good.

I cared about all
the characters.

Good, good, good.

And I found your editing
very judicious.

[EXHALES]
Boy, coming from you,
that is high praise indeed.

No, no, no...
Oh. And...
And the music?

Oh, I thought the music
was wonderful!

Oh, good, good,
good, good, good.

Boy. Well, uh,
shoot me now,

'cause that's all
I need to hear.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I... I thought
there were a few patches
near the beginning of the film

that you might want
to look at again.

Yeah, well, you know,
'cause it's not
totally finished yet.

Oh, I understand.
And... You know...
Especially the beginning.

I mean, that's the area,
oddly enough I'm...
I'm just playing with.

In fact, it's only
just a few minutes, really.
Right at the beginning.

Just the...
Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure.
Of course. Little bit...

Uh, but basically...

Basically,
I thought it was
a brilliant film.

Okay. Good, good,
good, good.

Well, Professor Tomassi,
thank you so much.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yes?

Professor,
can I talk to you
before class today?

I will be with you
in just a minute.

Say hello to
my favorite student
of all time...

Paul Buchman.

Hi.
How you doing?

Watch classic films
and remember...

Emulate,
but never imitate.

Hi. Oh, sorry I'm late.

So, what did he say?

Okay. Ask me how much
he liked it.

JAMIE: How much
did he like it?
This much!

Yay!

Who?
My professor.
My... My mentor.

All, right, Paul.
Your mentor
loved your movie?

This is
what I'm saying.

Are you looking for
an onion bagel?

Uh-huh.
Ah, whatever.

I ate it.
That's ok.

I ate two of them.
That's fine.

Three, three and a half.
I ate three and a half
onion bagels.

Is that a problem?
It's really not.

You know I'm pregnant.
I understand.

Hey, Jamie, did you ever wear
that sweater I got you?

What sweater?

You know,
that one I bought you.

The white one
with the baby face
embroidered on the belly.

Yes, yes, yes.
Of course I wore it.
It looked great.

You really wore it?

Yes. I wore it
several times to the office.

I wore it to a party
we went to last weekend...

At some friends' house
in New Jersey.

What?

You did not.

Yes, I did.
Liar!

I love the sweater.
I wore it over and over...

James...
All right. It's not
my favorite sweater.

It's okay.
I wanted to like
the sweater.

Hey, you know what?
It's no big deal.

I just kinda find it sweet
that you feel
you have to lie about it.

It wasn't a lie.
I was just being nice.

Was that a lie?
[DOOR BUZZES]

Uh... No.

I gotta say, when you
start making up
friends in New Jersey,

it's pretty close
to a lie.

Hey, Nat.

Hey, there.
Ho, there.

JAMIE: Hi, Nat.
[MURRAY BARKS]

Hey, there's Mr. Murray.
There's Murray Antoinette.

There's
my Murray Magdalene.

Good boy.

Nat, would you like
something to eat?

Oh, no, thank you.

I just had a short stack
of flapjacks.

Okay. You know
everybody. Lisa...
Hey there.

JAMIE: Ira.
Ho there.

Hey, Nat.
How's it going?

Oh, real good, thank you.
Very good, knock on wood.

Uh, I'm particularly
ebullient this morning,

'cause my sister Dorie...
Bless her heart...

I call her Dorie.
Her true given name
is Doris.

She's staying with me
in town for a few days. So...

Where's she from?

Uh, she currently resides
in Plattsburgh.

That's the northern part
of New York state.

It's a real small hamlet,
right off route 90.

Hey, licorice.

You know,
interestingly enough,

she's very gifted, uh,

at astrological, um...

My sister, she gives
advice to people

based on the configurations
of their planetary, uh...

She's an astrologer.

That's exactly right.

Oh, oh, oh.
Would she do my chart?

Uh, not sure about that.
She's kinda here on vacation.

What is this?
Is this some kind of
fortune-telling, Nat?

Nah, it's a bit more
scientific than that
crystal ball crap-olay.

Do you know,
I have never ever
had my chart done.

Y'know, Mr. Buchman,
under these conditions,
you know,

perhaps my sister
would be willing
to do your chart.

Seeing as, you know,
you're my employer
and all that jazz.

Oh, sweetie,
when are you gonna
have the time?

How about
later this afternoon?

Count me in, too.
Really?

Yeah, sure. I'm not
doing anything.

Well, me, too.
It was my idea.

I'd better
jot all this down.

Heh. I got my whole life
in this thing.

Put the three of us...
You know what?
Put her down, too.

No, no.
I'm not doing it.

Why not?
Because.

Put her down.

Honey, we were gonna
go see that 2:30 movie.

So what?
We'll go to a movie
another time.

Put her down.
Come on, this'll be fun.

Okey-dokey.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got an antsy pooch
on the line here.

[MURRAY BARKS]
Come on, Fred MacMurray.

Come on, Maria
Shriver-Schwarzenegger.

Come on, Murray Schisgal.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, we weren't going
to a 2:30 movie.

I'm pregnant.
All right.

You see here?
Mercury has been
in retrograde.

Mercury has been
in retrograde?

No wonder
my life sucks!

Yeah, yeah,
but check this out.

Mars and Venus are
in superior conjunction,

both with the sun
and each other.

Now, what that's
telling me is
you may find a...

A big change taking place
in your life very soon.

A big change?

Menopause?

No, no. I don't think
that's quite it.

What is it then?

I think it's just
a matter of how you choose
to perceive it.

How I have to choose
to perceive it?
Yeah.

What am I paying you for?

There are no planets
in your seventh house.

Come on.
You gotta be kidding me.

There must be one.

No. None.

And your Saturn
has a negative aspect.

Boy,
that can't be good.

What's that mean?
Heartbreak.

You're in for
some heartbreak, Ira.

You see, Dorie,
now I know you're nuts,

because I'm not even
going out with anybody.

Well, I don't
make this stuff up.

I know.
I'm not doubting you,

but how the heck am I
gonna find myself heartbroken

if nobody's anywhere
near my heart?

I don't know
what to tell you.

It's kind of ironic,
too, you know?

How so?

You know,
I'm not unattractive.
No, you're not.

I'm not uninteresting.

Certainly not.

I'm not without
a modicum of charm.

Not at all.

[CHUCKLES] I'd have to say
you're quite the catch.

Really?

No, things look wonderful
for the film,

especially around the 25th.

If you have any re-editing
or anything to do,

the 25th is
a very auspicious day.

Okay.
Just out of curiosity,
how does the 14th look?

I got
a dental appointment.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Keep it.
All right. Good.

Uh, listen.
There is one thing
I do have to mention.

Death?
Is it early death?
I knew it. I knew it.

No, no, no. No.
It's just something
you should be aware of.

Someone close to you
might be experiencing
some...

Intense feelings.

Perhaps anger,
resentment, jealousy.

Perhaps directed at you.

Jealousy?
Perhaps.

But who would be
jealous of me?

I don't know.
I couldn't say.
Somebody in your world.

But it doesn't say?

No. It doesn't
give names.

Initials?
No.

Tattoo?
No.

Scar?
No.

Birthmark?
No.

Just taking
a wild guess here.

Is it bald
British rocker seal?

So I admit I'm a little
bit skeptical, but...

This is so strange.
Well...

Something
is not right here.

You say you were born
February 18, 1963?

That's right. 4:30 a.m.

On the east coast?

Hartford, Connecticut.

Insurance capital
of the world.

Yes.

I do read my horoscope
sometimes in the paper,

and I have to say,
it's never even been
a little bit accurate.

Well, it's not
the same as this.

No, I know. I'm sure they
have to keep those things
pretty general, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Even so,
I'm an Aquarius.
Yeah, I know.

And I've read
descriptions

of what Aquarians
are supposed to be like,

and it's never even been
remotely like me.

Yeah, I know.

Huh.
What?

Can I ask you
a question?
Yes.

Are you being honest
with me?

Uh, yes. I think I'm being
very honest with you.

Well, because from
what I'm reading here,

the truth seems to present
quite an obstacle to you.

Excuse me?

Well, let me just try
to rephrase this.

Do you find
that you are...

Uncomfortable
with certain aspects
of truthfulness?

I'm quite comfortable
with truthfulness, thank you.

You know what?

I don't think
this is gonna work out.

What do you mean?

I mean...
I can't read
your chart.

Why not? You read
everyone else's chart.

Why can't you read mine?
Yeah, well.

That's what you do!
Yeah, it is, but...

You got the printout
right in front of you.

Why can't you just
tell me what it says?

Because it's
all lies, okay?

It's the chart of a liar.

A liar?

Yeah, a liar.
I... I...

The chart says
very clearly.

You are a liar.

I'm not a liar.
How dare you
call me a liar?

It's not me.
It's the planets.
Here, take a look.

I don't have to look
at this thing.
It's ridiculous.

You are a liar,
a terrible liar,

and you are
wasting my time.

Hah! I'm wasting
your time?

You know what?
I really, I...

I would like you
to leave now.

Hah!

Believe me...
No problem.

Did you have
a good session there,
Mrs. Buchman?

PAUL: Murray!

It was you!

You!

Murray's jealous of me.
Murray's jealous.

Think about it. I got
everything he wants.

I got food and pants.

[DOOR BUZZES]
JAMIE: Oh, stop it.

Nat!
Hey there.

[SADLY]
Ho there.

Nat, what are you doing here?

Well, uh,
very much to my dismay,
Mrs. Buchman, um...

After what I witnessed
earlier today
at my sister's,

I unfortunately feel
that it would be best
for everybody concerned

if I were to terminate
my employment with you

as your canine
leisure engineer...

Effective immediately,
unfortunately.

Huh?

I quit.

What's this?
Nat, are you sure?

I mean, your sister and I
had a disagreement,

but that doesn't
have to change things
between us.

Point is, I'm very fond
of my sister, Mrs. Buchman.
JAMIE: Of course you are.

We're very, very close indeed.
JAMIE: I'm sure.

And as fond
as I am of you...

And believe me,
I'm very, very fond
of you, Mrs. Buchman...

Given a choice,
I gotta go
with my sister.

Yeah.
Well,
I understand that.

Well, you know,
blood's thicker
than water.

[STAMMERS] Yeah. I did go
to great pains to avoid
that particular cliche.

Nonetheless, it is true.

Very, very true.
So, uh...

Good-bye,
Mrs. Buchman.
Good-bye.

Good-bye,
Mr. Buchman.

Bye, uh, Natty.

Bye, Murray.
[WHIMPERS]

Bye, Jim Murray.
[WHIMPERS]

Bye, Murray, Murray,
quite con...trary.

Man, I gotta get out of here,

or I'm gonna start bawling
like a little baby boy.

Well, I hope
you're happy.

Me? Oh, no, no.

Yes. If you hadn't
sent me to see
his cockamamie sister.

No, excuse me,
if you hadn't had
the chart of a liar...

I am not a liar.

Well, I don't know
that I believe you.

IRA: Paulie,
what did you do?

Tomassi said there were
some rough patches
in the beginning of the film.

So you tore your film apart?

I didn't mean to.

I was just playing
with the beginning,

then I moved some of it
to the middle.

Then I moved the middle
to the end,

then I took
a part of the end,

and I put it near
the beginning
of the middle.

What's this?

That's The French Connection.
I don't know
how it got in there.

I'll tell you,
this is pathetic.

Hey, are you jealous
of me?

No. You already
asked me that.

You know who's
jealous of you?
Who?

This guy.
This clown, Tomassi.

Get outta here!

Come on, think about it.
You're living the life,

he's out there
talking about it.

Those who can, do.
Those who cannot, teach.

So, you're saying
that's why he...

Look at what
he's put you through.
The man is sick. Sick.

Tomassi?
Tomassi.
Tomassi is the one.

So it was Tomassi
all along.

That's right, Paulie.

You do what
you gotta do, my friend.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.

Paul.

Professor.

Have you taken
another pass at this?

Yes, I have...

Based on
your little note...

If that's what it was.

What else
would it have been?

I don't know.
You tell me.

You tell me. Oh, perhaps
a feeble little jab?

A desperate pin-prick?

A pathetic cry for help?

Paul, what are you
talking about?

I have to say,
never, never
in a million years

would I have guessed that
you would be jealous of me.

I'm jealous?

You know, I mean...
Okay, yes. On one level,
I get it. Yes.

I'm out there,
I'm doing it,
I'm living it.

You're here. You're just
talking about it. Okay.

Those that can, do.
Those that can't, teach.
I understand that.

But I always thought you,
you were a bigger man
than that.

I can't believe
you're talking to me
this way.

And you wanna know
what gave you away?
What?

It was your choice
of feeble jab.

"The beginning has
a few rough patches."

Come on! Am I stupid?

Do you think I'm stupid?
This is perfect.

This film plays perfectly
from beginning to end,
smooth as silk.

There's nothing wrong
with it. I know it,
you know it.

But still, you had
to find something...

Some little
negative something

just to ruin my parade.

I am on to you, Professor.

No, I was just trying
to be diplomatic.

The fact is,
the whole first hour
of this film

put me into
a cinematic coma.

The exposition
is boring,

the Ellis Island stuff
is cloying,

and your mother is
so far over the top.

Unless you want
to be laughed out of
every film festival

between here
and Budapest,

I suggest that you edit
this ponderous little
home movie with a blowtorch!

And you're not
just saying this
because you're jealous?

Get out.

Big change, big change.
Let's see...

Earth spins off
its axis, and I'm
the only survivor!

[GASPS]

Too big.

Girl,
can you help me?

Oh, do you have
a big change for me?

No.

Then I can't help you.

Ms. Stemple.
Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm on my break.

We have customers
waiting.

My astrologer told me
I have a big change coming,

so I'm trying
to figure it out, okay?

That's it.

What?
You're fired.

I'm fired?
You heard me.

That's it!
That's what?

The big change!

Don't you see?
It just happened!

Oh, my God!

Oh, that's
such a relief.
[CHUCKLES]

JAMIE: How'd it go
with Tomassi?

Not a big hit.

Look at this.

It's my fourth grade
science project.

What is it?

The planet Earth
as it will appear
in the year three million.

It's so small.

What is that?

Sweetie?

Look at this.

Birth certificate?

Isn't that weird?

Many people have them.

Look at the birthday.

"February 19th."
Exactly.

Hey, that's not
your birthday.

Exactly.

That's weird.

It's only off
by one day.

It's my birthday.

[RINGS]
[BEEPS]

Hello?

Hi, mom, it's me.

Oh, Jamie, honey,
I'm so glad you called.

What's another word
for finely sharpened?

JAMIE: Um... Honed?

No. Uh-uh.
It's four letters.

Have you got
any of them?

Yeah. Blank, blank,
"e," "n."

Keen.
Keen?

Mom, I just found
my birth certificate

in all the stuff
you sent me...

It is keen.
Oh, that's great!

Yeah, because
"Australian cuddly"
is a koala,

which begins with
the "K" from keen.

Oh, honey, thank you.

You are such a bright kid.

I love you.
Bye-bye.

Wait, mom... Mom.
[BEEPS]

[DIAL TONE]

[REDIALING]
My mother hung up
on me.

[RINGS]
[BEEPS]

Hello?

Mom, listen.
I came across
my birth certificate

in all the stuff
you sent me.

[STUTTERING] Yes?

Yeah. It says
my birthday is
February 19th.

Oh?

The hospital
make a mistake
or something?

Well, of course,

[STAMMERING] Of course,
they made a mistake.

I mean,
what other explanation
could there be?

I don't know.

Don't you take
that tone with me,
young lady.

What are you
talking about?

I did it all for you.
You were starting preschool,

and the cutoff date
was the 18th,

and you were too bright
a kid to stay home
for another year,

and so I fudged it.

You fudged
my birthday?

Yes, I fudged it!
I'm a fudger! Okay?

I knew you were going
to find out eventually.

I just hoped that
I would be dead by then.

Mom, what...
What are you talking about?

Do you think it was easy,
huh, for me, do you?

Watching you every year
on your fudge birthday
being so happy,

and then watching you
on your actual birthday
being nothing at all?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Please. I'm so sorry.

I won't ever do it again.
Please forgive me.

Please?

I'm gonna have
to call you back.

[PLEADING] I love you!

[PHONE BEEPS]

What?

I wasn't born
on February 18th.

What are you
talking about?

I was born
on February 19th.

My whole life is a lie.

[STUTTERING]
Wait a second.

Your whole life
is not a lie.

I mean, come on.
You're still you.

I've always felt like
such an 18th person.

Well, maybe...
Maybe you could
feel like a 19th person.

My lucky number is 18.
Change it to 19.

I always bet on 18.

Well, from now on,
try betting 19.

Don't you see? This
just changes everything.

It's not, you know...
Well, look at
the bright side.

Look at the bright side.

Maybe you're
not a liar.

What are you
talking about?
What's her name? Dorie.

The reading. All based
on the wrong birthday.

Maybe I'm not a liar!

Maybe.
Ooh!

Where you going?
Where you going?

I'm gonna go down there
and tell little
Miss Planet Head

that there's a very,
very good chance

she's just wrong,
wrong, wrong.

Ooh! Do me a favor
while you're down there.

Ask Dorie if it's possible,
maybe, I don't know.

Is she possibly
jealous of me?

Oh, God, this makes
so much more sense.

Pisces.

Capricorn rising,
moon in Capricorn.

So much better.

So it doesn't say
I'm a liar?

No, quite the contrary.

Really?

So you were wrong.

Yes, I was.

A-ha.

You know,
in fact, the truth is,

you're quite
an honest person.

Yes, I am.

I mean, according
to your real chart,
you're extremely kind.

Well, whatever.
It's nice of you to say.

No, I'm not saying anything.
It's all right here.

You're intelligent,
you're a sensitive listener,

and you have
a lot of charisma.

Well, maybe I...
People are drawn
to you, aren't they?

Not everybody, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're very insightful.

And you have the capacity
to inspire multitudes

with your... Your vision
and your flair.

Well, I...

I gotta say, it's...

Pretty amazing.
This astrology stuff's
incredibly accurate.

Ooh! Jeez Louise
in a handbag!

This is, uh...

Quite a surprise.

Come on in. Come on.

It was all
a big misunderstanding.

Oh, get out!

It was, Nat.
In fact,

would you consider
coming back and working
for us again?

Murray really
misses you.

Oh, and I him.
Are you joshing me?

But, Dorie,
are the planets favorable
to that decision?

I am!

Good enough for me, yeah?

Would you mind
putting my perishables
away for me?

I'd like to get over there
and see him right now.

You mind if I...
I'd to see him right now.

I have no job,
and I have no money.

I don't really care.

I hate big change!

Listen, I got screwed
by this whole astrology
thing good too.

I went and barked at
a perfectly nice professor
for no reason.

Plus, I never even
got to figure out who was
jealous of me.

That's because nobody
was jealous of you.

What do you mean?
Paulie, come on.

This whole astrology thing,
it's a crock.

I'm sorry.
I mean, look at me.

I got off scot-free.

Dorie says, what,
"You're gonna
be heartbroken, Ira."

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right.

Like, how
heartbroken am I?

Well, she was a nice girl,
though. Actually, I'm gonna
miss her, you know.

There was something
about her, you know?

You don't often
see girls like that
in the city.

My luck she lives
so far away, right?
[CHUCKLES]

Because, you know,
actually, there...there...

There, actually, there
could have been something
there... Oh, my God!

PAUL: What?

I am heartbroken.

All right.
Now, come on.

Now you're
reading into it.

No, Paulie, I'm not gonna
see her again, am I?
Listen to me.

No, she could have
been the one.
I don't think so.

Looks like
I can't even eat.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, please tell me
there's eggs benedict left.

Two eggs,
both benedict.

Excellent.

Oh, God, you're
drinking cappuccino.
I'm so jealous!

Murray,
you are very loyal.

That's true.
You are loyal.

Your needs are simple.
Your love is unconditional.

Well, this is uncanny, huh?

But at times, you feel
taken for granted.

Is that true?
You feel like that?

This angers you.
This angers you a lot,

but you have a hard time
expressing your feelings.

Wow. Who doesn't, huh?

But you're surprisingly
instinctive, and you have
no pretensions.

This is what
draws people to you.

Wow, she got you pegged,
huh, Murray?

Let's take a look
at your career.