All language subtitles for Mad About You - S05E11 - The Recital-ing

A, everything about
it is appealing,

everything the traffic
will allow,

and two, this
is really what you
gotta keep in mind,

nowhere can they get
that happy feeling

when you are stealing
that extra bow.

So what you're
saying is,

there's no business
like show business?

That's all I'm saying.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

I can't believe you
bought all of these
maternity clothes.

How long were you
pregnant, like four years?

Okay, can I say
something?

I know, it's
the ugliest dress
you've ever seen.

Pretty close.
You won't care.

All right, now,
come on, this,

this is very fetching.

Yeah. You wear it then.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN
MUSIC PLAYING]

What the hell is that?

That's Ryan.

Doing what?

The violin, silly.

No, no, I knew it was
a string instrument.

I just thought
maybe it was a harp.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

His teacher says
he's a regular
Jascha Heifetz.

Was he good?

Ryan! Play
the Mendelssohn!

RYAN: I don't know how.

Our kid could take
violin lessons.

That would be great.

Hey! Ryan's class is having
a recital next Friday.

You guys
should come.

That could be fun.
Yeah.

You know, I played in
a recital when I was seven.

I played
The Moonlight Sonata.

We got a letter from
Beethoven's estate
saying "cut it out"

Friday afternoon, I think
we have that thing.

What thing?
That thing
with your parents.

My parents don't
have a thing.

You know, you remember
that thing.

They certainly
don't have a thing
in the middle of the day.

All right,
we'll be there.

Oh, the thing.

With my parents.

Yeah. I'll just
call and cancel it.

Ooh! This is
the good part.

[VIOLIN PLAYS OFFKEY NOTE]

Oh, my God.

What?

Um, Fran, do you,
do you think possibly

Ryan could take
just a little break?

Maybe sort of like
a medium-sized break?

Why, is it
bothering you?

I... I just have
a little headache.

From this?

It's Turkey in the Straw.

That is exactly it.

I've always
had a problem with
Turkey in the Straw,

even in the best
of hands.

We saw Itzhak Perlman
do it once with
the Boston Pops.

I wanted
to shoot myself.
Remember, honey?

Remember,
with your parents?

Yes, yes, I do.

Oh, well,
in that case,

Ryan, take five!

[NOISE STOPS]

Oh, honey,
look at the time.

We're gonna be
late for therapy.

Hey, gots to have
our therapy.

That's right.
How is that going?

Great. Thank you
for the recommendation.

Sheila is terrific.

Yeah. Well,
for $80 an hour,

she ought to be.

Eighty bucks an hour?

Yeah.

Aren't we paying $100?

Yeah.

That's funny.

I am blind.

I am blind with rage.

You're not blind.

If I'm not blind,
I'm certainly extremely
nearsighted with rage.

It's a scam.

Do you see how
it's a big scam?

One hundred bucks an hour.

It's not a scam.
It's a scam. It is.

It's bait and switch.
It's bunco.

What's bunco?

Technically,
I don't know,

but I know it's related
to this type of thing exactly.

Why wouldn't it be
the same price
for everybody?

I don't know.
You'll have to ask Sheila.

Oh, believe me,

I'm gonna...
I'm all over it.

I am all over it
with Sheila, believe me.

Gonna talk to her.

You know, you are gonna
have to apologize to Fran.

What?

I think you
really insulted her.

How? When?

The thing with Ryan.

She knew exactly
what you were saying.

No, she didn't.

Honey...

Itzhak Perlman,
Turkey in the Straw?

It's possible.

Oh, no, honey,
that's not possible.

She wasn't offended.

I don't have to
apologize to her.

No. Well, that's
you, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Sweetie, I love you,
and you're great
at many things.

But let's be honest,

you're not the world's
best apologizer.

What are you
talking about?

You're not. Come on,
you know you're not.

You're not good
at saying you're sorry.

You are not
a good sorry-sayer.

You're not. I don't
think in the entire
time I know you

I've heard you say
you're sorry.

That's not true.

All right,
it's not true,

but the point
is still, you know
what I'm saying.

You don't like it.
You don't like to say it.

You're not good at it.

When you do do it,
you're a little perfunctory.

Are you saying that
I have offended you
in the past

by not apologizing?

Yeah.

Well, then let me say

from the bottom
of my heart,

in all sincerity,

tough.

All right, where is
my therapist?

This session was supposed
to start 90 seconds ago.

Hundred bucks an hour.
What's that?

She owes us
a dollar and a half.

Paul.
'Course, if it were Fran,
it would only be $1.10.

So, apparently,
Paul thinks I'm
a bad sorry-sayer.

I'm sorry?

You know, like
I can't apologize.

Paul, is this true?

Yeah, but
not so important

that we should be
spending, what is it,

one hundred bucks an hour
talking about it.

I happen to think
I'm a very good
apologizer.

For example...
This is nice.

This is nice.
Where'd you get this?

Italy.
Italy?

That's an expensive
trip, isn't it?

Bet you a lot of people
had to come in here

and spill their guts
to pay for that
plane ticket.

Paul, is there
anything...

You know what
the funny thing is
about plane tickets,

and I've always
thought about this...

You know,
you're on a plane, right,

and there are two people
on the same plane

going to the same place,

and they're eating
the same chicken and
watching the same movie,

and yet they pay
two different prices.

They pay two different prices
for the same thing,

and to me, that never
seemed right to me.

Does it seem right to you?

Honey...
Hmm?

Is there something
that you wanted to
discuss with Sheila?

Um...

Okay.

Yeah, actually.

Um, we were talking,
outside we were talking
about this,

and, and, uh,

this is, I think
it's important
for me to say,

I, uh,
it's hard, though.

Okay, um,

I come in here,

and I see you have
these nice things

and you're going to Italy
and everything like that

and then I see you
have, pretty ring there.

Is that amethyst
or something?

Whatever it is.

What am I trying to say?

Uh, I...

The point is, are,
it's not the prin...

It is the principle.
The principle
bothers me,

but it's also
I have to,

to answer your question,
no, I'm fine.

Big man.
All right.

Big man.

"Don't you worry, baby,
I can talk to Sheila."

"Oh, Sheila,
please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me."

Are you having
an awful lot of fun?

I have never seen
anyone cave like that
in my life.

Okay, you know what?
Here's an idea.

Why don't you take care
of your own dysfunction.

I'll worry about mine.

Uh-huh.
Tough talk when there's
no therapist around.

I ain't scared
of no therapist.

You are so scared.

Hey, if you want,
I can apologize
to Fran for you...

No, no, no.
No thank you.

If you think you
can't hack it.

No. Tomorrow at lunch

I'm going to give her
a very nice,
big fat apology.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Not that I think
I need to apologize.

PAUL: There's a surprise.

Big man.

Okay.

Fran's
standing us up.

You know why?

She's offended.

She's not offended.
She said she was
gonna be late.

That's her way
of letting you know
she's offended.

Oh, my God.

What?
Is that Sheila?

Where?

Here's your check.

Yes, it is.

Oh, man.

Ho-ho.

Sheila.

Oh, yeah.
She's paying, of course.

Why not?
Hey, what's money

when you've got
cash cows like us?

She's picking up
the check.

I should
talk to her.

Go ahead.

Oh, you don't
think I will?

Uh-uh.

Okay, but here,
here's the thing.

Uh-huh.

I... I don't think
you're supposed to talk

to your therapist about
therapy when you
see them in public.

Who says?

That's just,
you know, everybody
knows that.

Big man.

What is she doing
in public, anyway?

That's just
disconcerting.

Listen, if you don't
feel you can hack it...

All right,
there you go.

Watch this.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Try the veal piccata.
It is...

Did you see that?
She just blew me off.

She just totally
blew me away there.

If I was waving a 20
or something,

maybe it was different.

You stood up. You gotta
feel good about that. Right?

Why aren't you
upset by this?

Maybe you're right.
Maybe they're not supposed
to make contact with us.

She... She's not an alien.
She's just our shrink.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, and who could blame you?

How are you?
Good.

Are you, are you good?
Yeah.

Ah, you're
not tired or,
offended or...

What?

Listen, Fran, um,
before we order,

I would like
to apologize.

For what?

I think I may have
hurt your feelings
yesterday.

Do you remember
when Ryan was
playing the violin

and I said it
gave me a headache?

Oh, you didn't say
it gave you a headache.

You said
you had a headache.

Well, maybe that was it.

It gave you a headache?

Whatever.
The point is,

I want to deeply
and profoundly apologize

for any offense
or hurt feelings
I may have caused.

It was rude,
it was thoughtless,

I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

So what you're saying is
Ryan's playing gave you
a headache?

Ryan was playing
right around the time

that my headache was.

That is so mean.

I said I'm sorry.

I had no idea
that's what you meant.

Hear that Paul,
she had no idea.

Red snapper.
They have it in here.

You know, maybe you
shouldn't come to
the recital after all.

Fran, please don't
overreact to this.

He is a child.

No one's denying that.

He is doing
the best he can.

Of course he is.
It takes years
to master the violin.

He's been playing
for years.

Oh.

I'm not hungry.
If you'll excuse me,
I think I'll go home.

Oh, Fran, come on.
Hey, come on.

Franny, don't do...

Okay, but the
apology itself...

Dynamite.

So, you do now admit

that Fran was not
the least bit insulted,

so your advice
was completely wrong,

and there was no need
to apologize.

I do now admit that.

Why does that give me
no satisfaction?

Because
thanks to me,

you're in
a heap o' trouble.

So, what do I do
about it?

Well, I think
you gotta apologize.

It would be so easy
to kill you.

Relax, relax.

Let's think about this
for one second.

What you said was not
that insulting.

I don't think Fran is
gonna be that upset.

I think you're wrong.

I think she's
very upset.

Give me a little credit.
I think I know a thing
or two about people.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh!

Well, I hope
you're proud of yourself.

JAMIE: Fran,
are you there?

FRAN: What do you want?

JAMIE: I wanna talk
to you, okay, Franny?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning.

I can see that.

Fran, I'm pretty sure
it's clean.

Just say what
you came to say, Jamie.

Okay. Listen.

I am terribly,
frightfully sorry

for hurting
your feelings

and for saying
anything negative about
Ryan's violin-playing.

You're my best friend.
He's a great kid.

Not only that,
he's gonna be
a terrific violinist.

You really think so?
Absolutely.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

I mean, listen to that.

I wish I could
believe you, Jamie,
but I can't.

You can, Fran.
You really can.

No, I can't.

You can't stand
his playing.

You know it,
and I know it.
[PLAYING STOPS]

No. No.

Ryan! Play it again!

RYAN: Can I have
a drink of water?

You'll drink later!

[RYAN GROANS]

[PLAYING RESUMES]
Come on, admit it.

No, I mean...

I mean, okay, you know,
maybe I don't have

a mother's
appreciation for it,

but that's to be
expected, right?
Ah-ha!

No, Fran, no "Ah-ha."
I'm just saying
that I'm not...

That it's horrible,
that it's the worst
thing you've ever heard,

and the only reason
that I don't see it is

because I'm his mother,
so I'm not objective.

No, no.
Say it, Jamie.

Fran, I didn't...
Say it!

Yes, yes,
your son's a butcher.

He shouldn't be
in the same room
with a violin.

If you had any sense,

you'd march in there
and rip it out of his stubby,
little hands.

How you doing?

Ryan.

I'm not listening.

Ryan.

I can't hear you!

Ryan, come on.

La la la la la la!
Can't hear what
you're saying.

Ryan, you don't
need to do that.

Ryan, please.

You called me a butcher.

My father's a butcher.

You said I had
stubby, little hands.

I happen to like that
in a musician.

Sure.

Okay, listen,

when I called you
a snot-nosed little...

You never said
snot-nosed.

I didn't?

You sure?
Positive.

Oh, well, good.

Anyway, um,
whatever I called you,
it was wrong,

and I'm really sorry.

You're a wonderful
violinist.

You play beautifully.

I'd love
listening to you.

You do?
Yes.

Really?

Really.

Would you like me
to play something
for you?

Sure. Like what?

Well...

All I know is
Turkey in the Straw.

Well, you can't get enough Turkey in the Straw.

Great.

Let's play together.

Here's a tambourine.

Ready?

Yes.

Okay, guess what
I just figured out.

What?

If Jamie and I
go to therapy

twice a week
for 73 years,

we will have
spent $151,480
more than Fran

for the exact
same thing.

Paulie, if only
to spare me,

will you please talk
to this woman?

I... I can't.

Why not?
Because she's a,
she's a shrink.

She's a professional.
I'm nothing.

She'll wipe the
floor with me.

She'll throw in
a couple of "Mmm-hmms"

and "That's very
interesting. How do
you feel about that?"

Before you know it,
I'm paying $300

and barking like a dog.

You're going about this
all wrong, you know.

This woman,
she's not your therapist,

she's your
business partner.

I mean, this is a simple
exchange of goods,

a little green
for a little advice.

It's like me and Marvin.

I mean, I pay him a wage,
and he provides me
with a service.

It's not
the greatest service,

but, then again,
he doesn't make that much.

Five fifty an hour

and every now and then,
a free hat.

All right. Okay,
but now let's just say
hypothetically,

what if
you found out
other stores

were paying
guys like Marvin
a dollar less?

Well, then
I'd have two choices.

I could do
absolutely nothing

and, you know,
drive my friends
and my family insane

with my compulsive
behavior...

Stop right there.
That's the one for me.

Or I could engage
in a very simple dialogue

which would go something
like this. Marvin.
What?

Come here.

You play you
and I'll play me.
All right?

Marvin.
Yeah, Boss.

Your new salary
is $4.50 an hour.

[GASPS]
No, no. I know.

It's all the market
will bear, and frankly,

it's all that I'm
willing to pay,

and if you
don't like it,
you can leave.

Wow. Boss,

I... I thought I could
go on ripping you off,

but you're
too smart for me.

You've found me out,

and in a way,
I'm grateful,

liberated.

I could fly.

All right, all right,
I think he gets it.

In the real world,
I don't think it works
exactly like that, guys.

Paulie, it's a morality
play, okay?

It's pageantry.
You simplify it
for effect.

Am I right, Marvin?
I thought I sold it.

Marvin, I was
very touched by your
whole performance.

The point is this,

in therapy,
as in sporting goods,

the person with the dough
always has the upper hand,

Paulie, and that,
my friend, is you.

You're absolutely right.

You know, frankly,
I'm tired of being
intimidated by her.

Thank you, Ira.
Thank you, Marvin.

Thank you,
entire team of Buchman's
Sporting Goods players.

I love theater.

Hey. Hi.

Paul.
Didn't mean
to scare you.

Didn't you?

No, not really.

Well, you didn't.

Okay, good. Listen...

Is there something
I can help you with, Paul?

Ah, yes.
We have a problem.

We have a big
problem, actually.

We can
talk about that
on Tuesday.

Um, no.
No?

We're gonna talk
about it right now.

All right.

Jamie and I found out

that you charge us
more than you charge
your other patients.

That's true.

You're new,
and I have new rates.

Oh.

Well, I don't like it.
I... I... I don't like it.

It makes me...

Makes me angry.
Uh-huh.

It makes me really angry.

I see.

Really, really angry.

That's good, Paul.

What's good?
You're confronting me.

You're telling me
how you feel.

I don't think you
would have done that
three months ago.

I might have.
No, you wouldn't.

You would've
dropped a few hints,

made a few
passive-aggressive jokes,

but you wouldn't have
told me, not directly.

This is very healthy.

Well, thank you,
but I'm...

I am really
still angry.

I know.
I believe you.

Yeah.
I think it's great.

This is very exciting.
It's wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You're not all
the way there, Paul,

but you're making
real progress.
Thanks.

I feel it, too.
I've been feeling
that I have,

and, I gotta say,
Jamie, God bless her,

I don't think she's
making the same progress.

Yes, well, ah, look,
I have to go,

but I'll see you
next Tuesday.

We'll talk more
on Tuesday. Okay.

You know, Paul...
Yeah?

If it's, uh,
not uncomfortable
for you and Jamie,

we should see
about setting up
an additional appointment

for you to start
coming in alone.

Alone? Above
and beyond,

hey, yeah, sure.
Good, good.

Oh, she's good.

[OFF-KEY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, now everybody's
sorry, huh?

JAMIE: [ECHOING] Butcher.

Little snot-nosed,

rip that violin
right out of his
stubby little hands.

Little snot-nosed,

rip that violin
right out of his
stubby little hands.

Ryan?

Ryan?

[SPITS]

[CRYING AND YELLING]

Ryan.

Ryan, what are
you feeling right now?

Ryan, for $120 an hour,

you should
tell the woman what
you're feeling.

[HUMMING TURKEY IN THE STRAW]

Sorry.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

All right,
the hell with it.

[BOTH HUMMING
TURKEY IN THE STRAW]