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(Music)
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It’s Saturday Night Live!
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WithDana Carvey
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Nora Dunn
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Phil Hartman
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Jan Hooks
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Victoria Jackson
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Jon Lovitz
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Dennis Miller
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AndKevin Nealon
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And featuring A.Whitney Brown
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G.E.Smith and theSaturday Night live Band.
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Musical guest10, 000 Maniacs.
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And starringJudge Reinhold.
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Ladies and gentlemen,Judge Reinhold!
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(Music playing)
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(Cheers and applause)
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I thought it was
good to be nervous.
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This is like, my show.
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This is my band.
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Well, this is really very
exciting and I’m not really
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the kind of guy who likes a
lot of excitement around.
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I don’t really live
in the fast lane.
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I’m more of a service
lane kind of guy.
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(Laughter)
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So I did, I felt a little
nervous about
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what I was gonna do tonight,
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until they told me I could do
anything I wanted to do.
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And then I felt a certain sense
of calm, because I have
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an active fantasy life
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(Soft laughter)
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and it’s something
that I’ve wanted to do
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for a long, long time is this.
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(Music)
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(Laughter)
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Imagine if you will a chorale,
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the horses are bedded down
for the night.
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All the chores are done,
the crickets are singing.
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(Crickets)
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Somewhere, a lonely coyote is
howling its lonely coyote song.
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(Coyote howling)
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Ain’t that great?
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(Laughter)
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The campfire is fading and the
stars
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are just beginning to peak out.
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(Coyote howling)
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(Crickets)
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(Music playing)(Whistling)
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(Cheers and applause)
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(Music playing)(Whistling)
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(Imitating whip sound)
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Thank you!
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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We’ll be back with
10,000 Maniacs
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and the rest of the cast.
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(Man speaking)Not all trapdoorsare created equally.
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Jerry, I was just looking over
your financial report
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and there’s some verystrange entries.
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I thought they might be---
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Some trapdoors don’trespond fast enough.
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For instance, what isthis Bahamas thing?
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(Loud noise)
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Yeah! How about this weekend?
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Others don’t springopen cleanly.
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Jerry!
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I know about you and my wife.
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Hey, what the heck’s going on?
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Whoa!
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What are you---
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I was...
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Hey! Hey!
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Ah!
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(Man screaming while falling)
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Some aren’t even structurallysound to begin with.
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Mr.Carruthers I have this...
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(Loud noise)
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(Laughters)
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And some are totallyunpredictable.
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I can give you an excellent
price on these items.
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Whoa!
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(Metalic objects sound)
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(Metalic sound)
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But with Wilson Trapdoors,
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you get perfect droppagetime after time
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thanks to a patenteddual firing mechanism.
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Fantastic!
And it’s guaranteed?
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Absolutely guaranteed!
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Mr.Crodders, I’d like to as k
you to come downtown
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and answer a few questions.
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(Loud noise)(Man falling screaming)
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Wilson Trapdoors!
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Because with Wilson,it’s outta sight!
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(Cheers and applause)
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(Man speaking)And now it’s timefor Church Chat.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Settle!
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Settle, let’s settle down.
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Alright hello, I’m the church
lady and this is Church Chat.
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Well, there’s been so much going
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we have so much to talk about
tonight.
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Let’s just get right to it.
Alrighty!
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My first guest is the
Reverend Pat Robertson,
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a former Christian
Broadcaster whose memories
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gotten just a little bit fuzzy
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about his role
as a televangelist.
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Just who is Patrick,
Presidential candidate
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or Satan worshipper?
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You be the judge!
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Welcome, Patrick!
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(Cheers and applause)
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Thank you, church lady, for
letting me come on your show
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and settle it once and for all.
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I’m a Presidential candidate,
and not a televangelist.
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(Laughter)
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Well, have you ever heard of
a little called the 700 Club?
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Oh well, uh...
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I guess that doesn’t count, huh?
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Uh, that show was basically
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a Judeo-Christian News show.
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And I - I was more a
telejournalist
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than I ever was a
televangelist.
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So, we just put the
Electoral College
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right ahead of the Bible
College, don’t we?
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Just push Jesus aside and
go right for the Satan vote.
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Well, the issue is really not my
religion, its - its leadership.
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You see, we learn the
whereabouts of those
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TWA hostages and all about
those Soviet missiles---
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Yeah!
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---in Cuba, but no one
chooses to believe me.
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(Laughter)
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And what else do we
think we know ,Pat?
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(Laughter)
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Well, there is just so much that
we aren’t told about Afghanistan
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and the UFOs and or the fact -
the fact that
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Hitler’s brain is
being kept alive in Paraguay.
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(Laughter)
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Well, isn’t that special!
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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Patrick, I think we
need some quiet time,
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why don’t we just scooch
on down and think about
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what we said and if we made
any sense at all.
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(Laughter)
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Alright, I will!
(Laughs)
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We’re just a little
too happy, aren’t we?
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Now, well!
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Well we like ourselves,
don’t we Patrick?
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Okay!
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Let’s just calm down.
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Okay, now it’s time
for my next guest,
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who is also coincidently a
former televangelist
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who’s had a very
exciting week.
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(Cheers and laughter)
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And I’m sure you’ll have
lots and lots of
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good things
to share with us.
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Please welcome, the
Reverend Jimmy Swaggart!
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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There, there!
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There, there!
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There, there!
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It’s alright!
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There, there!
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There, there!
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(Cheers and applause)
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I am a sinner!
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(Laughter)
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I have sinned against you!
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Well, what a newsflash!
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(Loud laughter and applause)
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Now you just relax Jimmy,
no one’s gonna judge you!
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Let’s just - Jimmy,
Jimmy look at me!
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Look at me!
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Jimmy! Look at me!
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Young man, look at me!
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Now we - we’ve
naughty, haven’t we?
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Let’s just start right from
the beginning, what happened?
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You’re gettinga little, little,
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little gooey stuff on
my desk there.
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Church Lady, I’m not
going to wet wash it.
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I let my church down and
I let my family down.
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And then we let something
else down, like our trousers?
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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No!
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We never had intercourse.
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The only thing took place
were pornographic acts.
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So we didn’t fornicate,
how convenient!
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(Laughter and applause)
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I’m sorry, maybe I’m
just old fashioned,
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maybe I don’t
watch MTV, but
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what exactly are
pornographic acts?
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They are grievous chasms
of torturous hellfire sin!
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(Laughter)
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I see and exactly whose
chasm were we sinning in?
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(Laughter and applause)
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(Woman cheering up loud)Yeah!
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Debbie’s!
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Debbie, well I see we
remember her name.
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And who could’ve led us
into that chasm, Jimmy?
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Who was behind the wheel
of our Lincoln Town car,
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when we drove
into the Crazy 8 Motel?
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(Laughter)
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Who could it be?
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Who could it be?
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I just can’t imagine
who?
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Could it be---
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Satan!
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(Laughter and applause)
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00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:08,561
Church Lady, it was not
Satan it was George Bush!
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(Laughter)
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He’s behind the whole thing!
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Zip it, Pat, clamp it down,
give Mr.Mouth a rest!
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Here we’re closing,
there we’re happy!
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(Laughter and applause)
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Now, now Jimmy!
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Yeah! Dab away!
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Don’t - don’t let me stop
you, just dab, dab, dab!
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00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:27,347
Now during - during the PTL
scandal, what was it, I forgot.
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What was it that you
called Jim Baker?
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I said Jim Baker was a cancer
on the body of the church.
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Well, what’s that, may
cast a Pius Pustule?
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(Laughter)
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Church Lady, I know I’ve
fallen from my lofty perch.
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And I’m asking your
forgiveness!
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(Laughter)
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Yeah!
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00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:52,238
And now what do we want to be
forgiven for I just can’t---
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Oh, I remember!
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We want to be forgiven for -
for checking into a motel
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with a prostitute?
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Who danced naked on the
dresser, while we sat in bed
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00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,182
with little
Jimmy out of his pulpit.
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(Loud cheers and applause)
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And now we say,
we’re sorry!
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How convenient!
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00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:13,426
Church Lady, I think you’re
being a little tough on Jimmy.
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00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:18,398
Now, he is a victim, a political
victim of the Vice President.
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I’m not a victim!
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I’m a sinner!
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00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,738
(Crying silly)I’m a sinner!
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00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:28,074
I’m a sinner!
What I mean is that---
(Laughs)
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I’m a sinner!
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00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,678
---you are in need
of forgiveness.
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Boys, boys, boys, boys!
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Excuse me!
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00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:38,451
Excuse me!
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00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,354
I hate to break up the silly
love fest, we have a show to do.
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00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,089
Forgive me for interrupting.
247
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Oh, I’m sorry! That’s not your
strong suit - forgiveness.
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00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:48,495
Well, now Jimmy I understand
you’re gonna go
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00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,663
through a little
rehabilitation.
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00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:53,166
Now I would like to start
you right now a little,
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00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,335
a little Church Chat
rehabilitation of my own,
252
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,169
alright?
253
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,370
So give me your hand.
254
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:58,371
Give me your hand, there you go.
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00:13:58,405 --> 00:13:58,972
Close your eyes.
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00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,173
Okay.
257
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,609
Now, Jimmy, let’s
imagine a nice pair
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00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:05,345
of hot tingling bulbous
buttocks, okay?
259
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:06,346
They’re practically on fire.
Can you see them?
260
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,781
Yes!
261
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,850
They’re thrusting and releasing,
thrusting and releasing.
262
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,318
Yes!
Thrusting and releasing!
263
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,620
Yes, so are we
thinking about it?
264
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:14,721
Yes.
Stop!
265
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,222
(Laughter)
266
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:19,059
It’s too bad I wasn’t at the
Crazy 8 Motel to do that.
267
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,094
Thank you Church
Lady, I deserve that.
268
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:22,429
Too bad!
Well - well you know, maybe
269
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,731
I’ve been a little harsh
on you, Jimmy.
270
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,933
You know, when I’m down and when
things aren’t going too well
271
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:30,303
in my life, I like to sing just
a little song to cheer me out.
272
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,771
Pat, do you wanna join in?
273
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:33,540
Pearl, can we have
a music, please?
274
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,942
(Organ playing)
275
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:38,211
* If you’re happy and youknow it, clap your hands! *
276
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,913
(Clapping hands)
277
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:43,149
* If you’re happy and youknow it, clap your hands! *
278
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,951
* If you’re happy andyou know it, *
279
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:46,653
* then your life willsurely show it! *
280
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:50,090
* If you’re happy and youknow it, clap your hands! *
281
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,925
Come on Jimmy, you’re
not joining in!
282
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,526
(Laughter)
283
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,528
* If you’re happy andyou know it, say Amen! *
284
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,097
Amen!
285
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,532
* If you’re happy andyou know it, say Amen! *
286
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,166
Amen!
287
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,735
Take it Jimmy.
288
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,604
* You’re happy and youknow it and you know it. *
289
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,073
No it had to happen.
290
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,308
We’re cool!
291
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,744
I think we all feel
better, hit it Pearl!
292
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,246
(Music)
293
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,915
(Loud cheers and applause)
294
00:15:17,283 --> 00:15:21,121
This has been Church Chat,
with the Church Lady.
295
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,564
(Don Pardo speaking)And now Weekend Update
296
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,800
with anchorpersonDennis Miller.
297
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:38,438
(Loud cheers and applause)
298
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,717
Well thank you, good evening
and what can I tell you.
299
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,553
Last week we reported that
Congressman Richard Gephardt
300
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:57,090
has posted a $5000 reward for
the return of his eyebrows,
301
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,060
which he says he lost on
a campaign trail.
302
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,495
According to FBI officials
in a related crime,
303
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,266
Thomas Gustafson last saw his
eyebrows in Calgary, Canada.
304
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,335
Brooke Shields is being
held for questioning
305
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,471
for the Serial-Eyebrow
snatching.
306
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:14,040
Televangelist Presidential
candidate Pat Robertson
307
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,543
whose recent revelations about
nuclear missiles in Cuba and
308
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,279
the whereabouts of the American
hostages are being refuted
309
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,415
as bogus and contrived, revealed
the source of all his
310
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:25,118
inside information today, a
giant pig named Earnest.
311
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,487
(Laughter and applause)
312
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,290
Democratic candidate Paul Simon,
who announced this week he would
313
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,093
be skipping the super
Tuesday primaries March 8,
314
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,261
had no comment when asked if he
was ready to end his campaign
315
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,696
altogether.
316
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:39,299
Simon’s bowtie however
told reporters if he quits,
317
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,900
I’ll finish the race myself.
318
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,435
(Laughter)
319
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:46,106
With General Manuel Noriega and
Eric Delvalle each insisting
320
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:49,075
he’s the President of
Panama, the job is wide open.
321
00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:51,911
Today, U.S.party dropouts, Al
Haig and Bruce Babbitt
322
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:54,381
both wanting to be the President
of something, rushed to Panama
323
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,082
out to campaign.
324
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:59,185
However, they were beaten to it
by Walter Mondale who got there
325
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,688
last night and was
elected unanimously.
326
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,691
By the way, the Panamanians
affectionately refer to Mondale
327
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,159
as Fritos.
328
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,261
(Laughter)
329
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:13,667
Well, Super Tuesday is only 10
days away and our one-man mobile
330
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,803
news gathering unit, Al Franken
is in Florida with the report,
331
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:20,674
so, let’s go live to
Al in West Palm Beach.
332
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:24,844
Dennis, once again I have the
1.3 meter pair of bulk antenna
333
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:28,214
pointing to the satellite in
geosynchronous orbit
334
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,051
23,000 miles
above Easter Island.
335
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,254
I’m gonna pan down now you
can see my steady cam harness,
336
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:38,525
a part which I have mounted mySony KV2000 mini cam and
337
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:43,763
now over to my sand rail, whichI’ve been using to get around
338
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,899
the coast of Florida this week.
339
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:49,803
All of these is making me, ofcourse the first totally
340
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:54,074
self intend contained one-man
mobile uplink unit.
341
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,642
Al, I see you
wearing a neck brace,
342
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:56,576
is the back pain any better?
343
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,078
No, Dennis!
344
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:02,048
In fact, it’s a - gee I’m
searching for a word,
345
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,483
a crippling.
346
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:07,887
Literally crippling and I guess
the worst part is that the pain
347
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:11,858
no longer subsides, once
I take the equipment off.
348
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,894
And I am having
trouble sleeping.
349
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:19,032
So, the sleep deprivation,
combined with the now
350
00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:23,336
constant pain, Dennis is
making the work unpleasant.
351
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,537
But it’s worth it?
352
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:25,772
Absolutely!
353
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,440
Well, let’s get
right to your story.
354
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:28,875
Good, idea Dennis.
355
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:32,812
On March 8, Super Tuesday, an
unprecedented 20 states
356
00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:34,914
will hold Presidential
Primaries.
357
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:38,351
Equally unprecedented, Dennis
will be in historic feat
358
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,620
in the annals
of electronic journalism,
359
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,789
by non other than yours truly.
360
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,426
Because on March 8, I will
personally cover the Primaries
361
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,864
in all 14 southern and Border
States as a demonstration
362
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:54,267
of the advances in satellite
telecommunications.
363
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,068
What was that Al?
364
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:56,436
Lightning!
365
00:18:56,469 --> 00:19:00,674
My odyssey will start at 7
AM Eastern Standard Time,
366
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:03,543
when the polls open in
Rockville, Maryland.
367
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:08,782
Then it’s down to Virginia over
to Kentucky, down to Tennessee,
368
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:12,585
doubling back to North
Carolina down to a---
369
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:14,287
Al, was that more lightning?
370
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,490
Yes, Dennis, there’s an
electrical storm tonight,
371
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,592
it’s really quite beautiful.
372
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:25,532
Then down to Geogia over
to Alabama, back to---
373
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:26,266
Al, Al?
374
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,734
Yes Dennis!
375
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,536
I’m a little concern, you
weren’t by any chance,
376
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,137
the highest point in
the area, are you?
377
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:34,808
No, of course not, this
tree is the highest point,
378
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,943
besides, I really can’t move
379
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,812
while I’m beaming my
signal to you.
380
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:42,048
As you remember from Iowa, I
lose a feed if I turn
381
00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:44,050
as little as - as this.
382
00:19:44,084 --> 00:19:46,286
(Pink noise)
383
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,288
Now, where was I?
384
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:48,955
Oh, yeah!
385
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,156
Georgia.
386
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:53,059
Across to Alabama then
hop scotching over to---
387
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,294
(Lightning electrical buzz)(Screams)
388
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:57,230
(Pink noise)
389
00:19:57,263 --> 00:20:01,067
(Cheers and applause)
390
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:11,578
Well, it seems we
lost Al’s feed.
391
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:15,215
Hopefully, he’ll be back
again following Campaign 88.
392
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:18,284
In Calgary tonight, East German
Katarina Witt won the gold medal
393
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,820
on figure skating prompting
New York Yankee
394
00:20:20,854 --> 00:20:23,490
on a George Steinbrenner to fire
Manager, Billy Martin.
395
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,625
(Laughter)
396
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,794
And in a related story,
disappointed with our poor
397
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,996
showing in Calgary, the
U.S.Olympic has appointed
398
00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:32,198
Steinbrenner to head a
commission that will find ways
399
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,768
to improve our performance
in future games.
400
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:37,537
Steinbrenner vowed to restore
pride on our national team
401
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,906
and immediately announce the
purchase of Katarina Witt
402
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:41,608
and the entire Soviet
Hockey Squad.
403
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:43,143
(Laughter and applause)
404
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:45,845
After a disappointing 8th place
finish in Calgary this week,
405
00:20:45,879 --> 00:20:47,947
the United States Olympic
Curling team packed up
406
00:20:47,981 --> 00:20:49,849
their gear and returned home to
their old jobs
407
00:20:49,883 --> 00:20:53,553
as a janitorial staff at
Madison Square Garden.
408
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,423
Swedish skier Thomas
Wassberg was disqualified
409
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:59,259
by Olympic judges this week,
because his pants were, quote
410
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,361
"Just too faggy for words".
411
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,464
(Laughter)
412
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,734
Matti - Matti Nykanen after
winning a gold medal
413
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,337
on the ski jump event today flew
home to Finland
414
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:13,139
and overtly breaking every
world record in his sport.
415
00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:15,342
(Laughter and applause)
416
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,744
A host of Septuagenarian
luminaries turned out
417
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:20,547
to the benefit of the Waldorf
Astoria Thursday night to honor
418
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,449
79-year old legend,
Jimmy Stewart.
419
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,351
The of the event
however ground to a halt when
420
00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:27,587
the vegetable at dinner turned
out to be corn on the cob.
421
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,656
One of the few guests to
survive the debacle
422
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:31,524
was Martha Raye,
denture wearer.
423
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,094
(Laughter and applause)
424
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:37,097
Somebody wanna slap
this jerk, thank you.
425
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,667
(Loud cheers and applause)
426
00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:44,170
And what was described
as a national president,
427
00:21:44,204 --> 00:21:46,840
UCLA has given official
recognition to Lambda Delta
428
00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:49,876
Lambda Sorority
Form by lesbians.
429
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:51,945
The sorority sisters
celebrated the occasion
430
00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,880
by panty raiding their
own house.
431
00:21:53,913 --> 00:21:56,516
(Laughter)
432
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:59,786
U.S.Taxpayers are finding the
task of preparing their income
433
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,222
tax returns a very difficult one
indeed putting the blame not on
434
00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:05,258
the revised system itself but on
the new tax forms they say
435
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:07,127
that are frustrating
and burdensome.
436
00:22:08,628 --> 00:22:11,431
Iowa farmer, Dean Flannery
won $300 million
437
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:12,966
in the new Lotto
America this week.
438
00:22:13,066 --> 00:22:15,101
When asked if he plan to do
anything special with the money,
439
00:22:15,135 --> 00:22:17,370
Flannery said, "No, I think
I’ll just keep on farming
440
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:19,305
till it’s all gone".
441
00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:22,075
(Laughter)
442
00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:24,811
Oh, such a good job.
443
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:26,212
Sorry, and now I blew that one!
444
00:22:26,246 --> 00:22:27,681
Okay.
445
00:22:27,714 --> 00:22:29,683
Over the past seven years,
numerous members
446
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:32,085
of the Reagan administration
have complained
447
00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:34,621
that they see only
bad news on television.
448
00:22:34,654 --> 00:22:37,590
Some have even suggested
that the network should carry
449
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:39,292
segments of so called good news.
450
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:41,161
Well, we here at
Weekend Update agree.
451
00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,797
It’s time that we were treated
to some good news for a change
452
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,699
so topping our good
news segment this week,
453
00:22:45,732 --> 00:22:47,300
there are only eight
months remaining
454
00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:49,102
in the Reagan
administration.
455
00:22:50,170 --> 00:22:51,137
Yeah!
456
00:22:51,171 --> 00:22:53,973
(Loud cheers and applause)
457
00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:58,745
And Bill Cosby broke from his
longstanding practice
458
00:22:58,778 --> 00:23:01,181
of not accepting awards this
week when he showed up to accept
459
00:23:01,214 --> 00:23:05,752
the John Houseman Anything
for a Buck Celebrity
Endorsement Award.
460
00:23:05,785 --> 00:23:07,654
When asked why he
made this exception,
461
00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:10,790
Cosby explained "Because
they paid me a lot of money".
462
00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:13,393
And now, here to put himself out
on a limb to prove he is
463
00:23:13,426 --> 00:23:15,929
barking up the wrong tree
is A.Whitney Brown
464
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:17,163
with The Big Picture.
465
00:23:17,197 --> 00:23:18,298
Whitney!
466
00:23:18,331 --> 00:23:21,634
(Cheers and applause)
467
00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:28,475
You know, the Bible says the
truth shall make you free!
468
00:23:28,508 --> 00:23:30,910
But, it was Spiro Agnew who said
that a good liar will keep you
469
00:23:30,944 --> 00:23:32,278
out of jail in the first place.
470
00:23:32,312 --> 00:23:33,747
(Laughter)
471
00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:36,282
This is a great country my
friends and we deserve a great
472
00:23:36,316 --> 00:23:38,752
liar to lead us in the
trying times ahead.
473
00:23:39,886 --> 00:23:41,187
So, who do we got out
there now?
474
00:23:41,221 --> 00:23:42,789
Bush?
475
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:46,359
Okay, he’s experienced but he’s
never gonna be a great liar.
476
00:23:46,393 --> 00:23:49,462
He can barely
bamboozle Dan Rather.
477
00:23:49,496 --> 00:23:51,931
How is he gonna do up against
some bloodthirsty, power mad
478
00:23:51,965 --> 00:23:53,800
dictator like Margaret Thatcher.
479
00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:55,702
(Laughter)
480
00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:58,204
I thought I caught Bob Dole
lying once when he said
481
00:23:58,238 --> 00:24:00,273
he liked George Bush
as person.
482
00:24:00,306 --> 00:24:02,042
(Laughter)
483
00:24:02,042 --> 00:24:04,210
But now when I think about it,
I think maybe he was just
484
00:24:04,244 --> 00:24:06,212
being sarcastic.
485
00:24:06,246 --> 00:24:08,248
Pat Robertson, well, he is
believable but only
486
00:24:08,281 --> 00:24:10,116
if you don’t believe in
evolution.
487
00:24:10,150 --> 00:24:11,685
(Laughter)
488
00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:13,319
Gephart, maybe.
489
00:24:13,353 --> 00:24:16,756
I mean that man can stand
their bald face
490
00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:18,224
and I mean that literally.
491
00:24:18,258 --> 00:24:20,627
(Laughter)
492
00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:22,328
And there’s Jesse Jackson.
493
00:24:22,362 --> 00:24:24,731
Now one time, someone accused
Jesse Jackson about lying and
494
00:24:24,764 --> 00:24:26,733
he said, "I not only deny the
allegations
495
00:24:26,766 --> 00:24:28,568
I deny the allegator".
496
00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:31,104
(Laughter and applause)
497
00:24:31,137 --> 00:24:33,106
And it is a great line but I
think he stole it
498
00:24:33,139 --> 00:24:35,141
from the King fish.
499
00:24:35,175 --> 00:24:36,676
No matter!
500
00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:39,145
The point is, there’s no use
getting cynical about all this
501
00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:42,649
because when the big picture
becomes a dreary montage
502
00:24:42,682 --> 00:24:45,719
of tire old lies, faith
is no further away
503
00:24:45,752 --> 00:24:47,320
than a scribbled
drawings
504
00:24:47,354 --> 00:24:49,656
of our children on the
refrigerator door,
505
00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:54,627
because to them, every lie is
a thing of wonder.
506
00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:56,963
A brand new opportunity to
escape punishment
507
00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:59,466
and pin the blame elsewhere.
508
00:24:59,499 --> 00:25:03,036
I remember when my daughter
told her first lie and so it’s
509
00:25:03,069 --> 00:25:06,306
exciting to be there and see
your child discover something
510
00:25:06,339 --> 00:25:09,042
that you know they’re gonna use
for the rest of their lives.
511
00:25:09,075 --> 00:25:10,910
(Laughter)
512
00:25:10,944 --> 00:25:13,179
I remember I was driving at home
from the playground one day
513
00:25:13,213 --> 00:25:16,416
and she said, "Daddy, we better
stop and get some ice cream".
514
00:25:16,449 --> 00:25:18,284
I said, "Now, you know, we can’t
do that because your mother
515
00:25:18,318 --> 00:25:20,687
doesn’t like you to eat
before you get home".
516
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,790
She said, "I know
but I have an idea.
517
00:25:23,823 --> 00:25:26,059
Let’s not tell her".
518
00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,161
Just like she was the first one
in the world
519
00:25:28,194 --> 00:25:29,596
to ever think of it.
520
00:25:29,629 --> 00:25:30,964
I was so proud.
521
00:25:31,064 --> 00:25:32,399
(Laughter)
522
00:25:32,432 --> 00:25:35,101
I said, "Honey, we will stop and
get that ice cream
523
00:25:35,135 --> 00:25:37,937
and after that we’re gonna go
see an old girl friend of mine".
524
00:25:37,971 --> 00:25:40,774
(Laughter and applause)
525
00:25:42,842 --> 00:25:47,147
So you know, we put all these
lies into the big picture,
526
00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:50,083
it’s amazing how
well it all adds up.
527
00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:52,152
We can expect no more
from our leaders,
528
00:25:52,185 --> 00:25:53,620
than we give
to our children
529
00:25:53,653 --> 00:25:55,255
and that my
friends is the Big Picture.
530
00:25:55,288 --> 00:25:56,356
Thank you, Whitney!
531
00:25:57,557 --> 00:25:58,291
Good one buddy!
532
00:25:58,324 --> 00:25:59,325
Alright!
533
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,661
(Loud cheers and applause)
534
00:26:01,695 --> 00:26:02,862
Whitney Brown!
535
00:26:02,896 --> 00:26:04,931
(Applause)
536
00:26:05,031 --> 00:26:06,332
Whitney Brown!
537
00:26:06,366 --> 00:26:09,235
Israel today announced
that it is giving up.
538
00:26:09,269 --> 00:26:12,038
The zionist state will
dissolved in two weeks time,
539
00:26:12,038 --> 00:26:14,841
and its citizens will disperse
to various resort communities
540
00:26:14,874 --> 00:26:16,576
around the world.
541
00:26:16,609 --> 00:26:19,045
Said Prime Minister
Yitzhak Shamir,
542
00:26:19,045 --> 00:26:20,380
who needs the aggravation.
543
00:26:20,413 --> 00:26:22,048
(Laughter)
544
00:26:22,082 --> 00:26:24,317
The new 1988 version
of the popular book,
545
00:26:24,351 --> 00:26:26,786
How To Pick Up Girlscame
out this week and
546
00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:28,355
it’s a ridged version this year,
as a matter of fact,
547
00:26:28,388 --> 00:26:31,291
it’s a one page pamphlet with
the simple instruction.
548
00:26:31,324 --> 00:26:34,060
(Laughter and applause)
549
00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:41,935
Jimmy Swaggart wept this week as
he beg forgiveness for his sins.
550
00:26:41,968 --> 00:26:44,871
I don’t know why we’re so
quick to condemn this guy,
551
00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:49,642
I guess what it comes down to is
that he was masturbating, right?
552
00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:51,745
Well, that he among you has
a free hand
553
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:54,114
cast the first stone, huh?
554
00:26:54,147 --> 00:26:55,248
And guess what folks,
555
00:26:55,281 --> 00:26:57,350
that’s the news
and I am out of here.
556
00:26:57,384 --> 00:27:02,355
(News music theme)(Cheers and applause)
557
00:27:08,728 --> 00:27:12,599
(Plane taking off noise)
558
00:27:14,834 --> 00:27:16,936
Is it me, or is this
plane really filthy?
559
00:27:18,438 --> 00:27:19,873
That’s typical.
560
00:27:19,906 --> 00:27:23,043
This used to be a great
airliner before deregulation.
561
00:27:23,043 --> 00:27:25,245
Then that big cocaine
bust, about a year ago,
562
00:27:25,278 --> 00:27:27,047
it really went
downhill after that,
563
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,882
it uh - it hasn’t
been the same.
564
00:27:28,915 --> 00:27:30,250
Good blow! Sex!
565
00:27:30,283 --> 00:27:31,384
Cheap tickets, though.
566
00:27:31,418 --> 00:27:32,185
Yeah.
567
00:27:32,218 --> 00:27:33,687
Top smoke?
568
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:34,320
Good blow!
569
00:27:34,354 --> 00:27:35,121
Sir?
570
00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:36,156
Go on, sit down!
571
00:27:36,189 --> 00:27:37,257
I told you, sit down!
572
00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:38,525
Go on!
573
00:27:38,558 --> 00:27:41,194
Well, at least more people
can afford to fly these days.
574
00:27:41,227 --> 00:27:42,395
Yeah!
575
00:27:42,429 --> 00:27:44,464
See that lady back
there with the two kids,
576
00:27:44,497 --> 00:27:46,066
with the laundry
hanging over her seat?
577
00:27:46,066 --> 00:27:47,067
Yeah?
578
00:27:47,067 --> 00:27:49,636
I was talking to
her, she lives here.
579
00:27:49,669 --> 00:27:50,937
(Laughter)
580
00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:52,138
She’s on welfare.
581
00:27:52,172 --> 00:27:53,773
The government pays for
her to live here
582
00:27:53,807 --> 00:27:55,675
until some low-income
housing opens up.
583
00:27:57,644 --> 00:27:58,378
Oh, my God!
584
00:27:58,411 --> 00:27:59,346
It’s a rat!
585
00:27:59,379 --> 00:28:00,480
( Yelling)
Stewardess!
586
00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:02,248
Stewardess, look!
There’s a rat!
587
00:28:02,282 --> 00:28:03,550
There’s a rat eating
that guy’s food!
588
00:28:03,583 --> 00:28:04,884
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, I am so sorry!
589
00:28:04,918 --> 00:28:06,152
Shoo! Go on! Shoo!
590
00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:07,687
Here we go!I’m sorry!
591
00:28:07,721 --> 00:28:10,056
They sprayed the
cargo hold yesterday,
592
00:28:10,090 --> 00:28:12,359
and all the rats and the
roaches came up here.
593
00:28:12,392 --> 00:28:13,226
I am so sorry!
594
00:28:13,259 --> 00:28:14,394
I’ll make an announcement, okay?
595
00:28:14,427 --> 00:28:16,062
It’s unbelievable!
596
00:28:16,096 --> 00:28:18,765
(Laughter)
597
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:21,101
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just
a quick announcement
598
00:28:21,134 --> 00:28:23,169
before we begin our
in-flight movie.
599
00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:25,638
I would like to call your
attention to the rat traps
600
00:28:25,672 --> 00:28:28,475
that are being stuffed beneath
the seats in front of you.
601
00:28:28,508 --> 00:28:32,412
Instructions are there, also,and for each rat caught,
602
00:28:32,445 --> 00:28:34,748
a free first class upgrade.
603
00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:38,251
Our movie today is
" Inside Annie Sprinkle",
604
00:28:38,284 --> 00:28:41,755
and headphones are
99 cents always.
605
00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:44,591
Also, if you’re alone,
and plan on sleeping,
606
00:28:44,624 --> 00:28:47,160
we suggest you leave your
overhead light on
607
00:28:47,193 --> 00:28:49,863
and you check your valuables in
the safe, in the galley.
608
00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:51,498
Thank you!
609
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:54,834
I’m gonna try making a
call on the OTB phone,
610
00:28:54,868 --> 00:28:56,169
down by the restroom.
611
00:28:56,202 --> 00:28:57,270
Keep an eye on my bag, will you?
612
00:28:57,303 --> 00:28:58,304
Yeah, sure!
613
00:29:02,208 --> 00:29:03,710
Would you like a drink?
614
00:29:03,743 --> 00:29:05,311
Uh, I’d like a glass
of water, please.
615
00:29:05,345 --> 00:29:08,281
Oh!I don’t think we have any.
616
00:29:08,314 --> 00:29:10,517
Would you like to buy
me a glass of champagne?
617
00:29:10,550 --> 00:29:12,185
(Man laughing loud)
618
00:29:12,218 --> 00:29:13,787
I love champagne.
619
00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:15,622
Okay, I guess.
620
00:29:15,655 --> 00:29:17,057
You want one, too?
621
00:29:17,090 --> 00:29:18,324
Sure.
622
00:29:18,358 --> 00:29:19,592
Attaboy!
623
00:29:21,494 --> 00:29:22,662
So?
624
00:29:26,199 --> 00:29:28,034
Good champagne.
625
00:29:28,034 --> 00:29:29,703
Yeah.
626
00:29:29,736 --> 00:29:30,804
Do you like me?
627
00:29:32,505 --> 00:29:33,807
Sure.
628
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:34,941
Do you think I’m pretty?
629
00:29:36,209 --> 00:29:37,711
Sure.
630
00:29:37,744 --> 00:29:38,945
Do you want me to
be your girlfriend?
631
00:29:39,045 --> 00:29:40,180
I’ll do anything you want!
632
00:29:40,213 --> 00:29:41,548
(Laughter)
633
00:29:41,581 --> 00:29:42,882
No thanks.
634
00:29:42,916 --> 00:29:44,417
(rat squeals)
635
00:29:44,451 --> 00:29:46,286
Look!
636
00:29:46,319 --> 00:29:47,554
I got one!
637
00:29:47,587 --> 00:29:49,656
Oh! Oh, okay! I’ll get that.
I’ll take that.
638
00:29:49,689 --> 00:29:50,323
Thank you!
639
00:29:50,357 --> 00:29:51,791
Here! Okay!
640
00:29:51,825 --> 00:29:53,760
Oh, and that’s gonna be 20
bucks for the champagne.
641
00:29:53,793 --> 00:29:55,261
What?
642
00:29:55,295 --> 00:29:57,797
I’m not gonna pay 20 bucks
for two glasses of champagne!
643
00:29:57,831 --> 00:29:59,532
Look, its real
champagne, dorkhead!
644
00:29:59,566 --> 00:30:01,301
That’s how much it costs!
645
00:30:01,334 --> 00:30:04,137
Well, look, I’ll give you 10,
but I’m not gonna pay the rest!
646
00:30:05,438 --> 00:30:06,706
(Yelling)
Eddie!
647
00:30:08,742 --> 00:30:11,211
(Laughter)
648
00:30:11,244 --> 00:30:12,278
Okay! Okay! Okay!
649
00:30:12,312 --> 00:30:13,780
Here’s 20 dollars!
650
00:30:13,813 --> 00:30:14,814
But I’m gonna tell
you, I’m never,
651
00:30:14,848 --> 00:30:17,017
never flying this
airline again!
652
00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:17,784
Good!
653
00:30:19,819 --> 00:30:22,088
(Laughter)
654
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:27,627
They took my wallet!
655
00:30:30,130 --> 00:30:31,531
They took my wallet!
656
00:30:31,564 --> 00:30:32,799
Good news!
657
00:30:32,832 --> 00:30:35,035
The gospel brings good
news of God’s grace!
658
00:30:35,068 --> 00:30:37,337
It’s in John, Chapter
3, Verse 16---
659
00:30:37,370 --> 00:30:39,372
"And he, whosoever
believeth on him
660
00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:41,307
shall have everlasting life."
661
00:30:41,341 --> 00:30:43,910
(Cheers and applause)
662
00:30:50,483 --> 00:30:56,056
(Music)
663
00:31:13,373 --> 00:31:14,574
Bye, honey.
664
00:31:14,607 --> 00:31:15,909
Have a nice shift.
I’m running late.
665
00:31:15,942 --> 00:31:17,444
Goodbye! Hey look!
666
00:31:17,477 --> 00:31:19,879
Promise me, you aren’t - you’re
not gonna work too late, huh?
667
00:31:19,913 --> 00:31:20,847
I’ll try.
668
00:31:22,682 --> 00:31:24,918
Promise me you’ll
cut out the overtime.
669
00:31:24,951 --> 00:31:26,619
Deal!
Okay.
670
00:31:26,653 --> 00:31:30,724
Oh, here’s the ticket for your
laundry and cleaning ladies
671
00:31:30,757 --> 00:31:33,093
are coming tomorrow and I’ll try
to pick up some groceries
672
00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:34,094
on the way home.
673
00:31:34,094 --> 00:31:35,395
Now, look, I’ll go to the deli.
674
00:31:35,428 --> 00:31:39,733
Hey, honey, our lives are
becoming absolutely insane.
675
00:31:41,534 --> 00:31:43,203
You want me to quit working?
676
00:31:43,236 --> 00:31:45,572
No, no, no!
Don’t be silly!
677
00:31:45,605 --> 00:31:47,307
I - I know you loved your
career when I married you.
678
00:31:47,340 --> 00:31:48,508
(Laughter)
679
00:31:48,541 --> 00:31:50,210
Thank you!
680
00:31:50,243 --> 00:31:53,513
I won’t have a career if I
don’t go to the corner, pronto.
681
00:31:55,215 --> 00:31:57,317
You’re under so much pressure.
682
00:31:57,350 --> 00:31:58,752
I’m a professional.
683
00:31:58,785 --> 00:32:00,787
(Soft laughter)
684
00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:03,123
Chrissie, are you happy?
685
00:32:03,156 --> 00:32:05,058
Of course, I am.
686
00:32:05,058 --> 00:32:06,393
I love you!
687
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:08,561
I love my job!
688
00:32:08,595 --> 00:32:10,196
Well, I wish...
689
00:32:10,230 --> 00:32:11,831
You just wish what?
690
00:32:11,865 --> 00:32:15,802
Well, sometimes I just wish
the people you work with would
691
00:32:15,835 --> 00:32:18,071
accept me a little more.
692
00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:20,540
Now, now Chris, don’t let
a couple of self-righteous
693
00:32:20,573 --> 00:32:22,676
hypocrites bother you, huh?
694
00:32:22,709 --> 00:32:26,079
Well, I feel like - I
know they look down on me
695
00:32:26,079 --> 00:32:28,348
just because I’m a hooker.
696
00:32:28,381 --> 00:32:29,182
So?
697
00:32:29,215 --> 00:32:30,684
What are their wives, senators?
698
00:32:30,717 --> 00:32:32,218
(Laughter)
699
00:32:32,252 --> 00:32:34,854
No, they’re nurses and
housewives and teachers.
700
00:32:34,888 --> 00:32:36,890
Is that so much better?
701
00:32:36,923 --> 00:32:39,092
No, but sometimes I worry---
702
00:32:39,125 --> 00:32:40,527
Hey!
703
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:41,895
Are you good at what you do?
704
00:32:41,928 --> 00:32:43,563
(Laughter)
705
00:32:43,596 --> 00:32:44,397
Yes!
706
00:32:44,431 --> 00:32:45,365
Well that’s all that matters.
707
00:32:45,398 --> 00:32:46,800
(Laughter)
708
00:32:46,833 --> 00:32:48,702
I wouldn’t care if you were a
ditch digger as long as
709
00:32:48,735 --> 00:32:50,637
you were the best ditch digger
you could be so,
710
00:32:50,670 --> 00:32:52,772
enough of this
self-doubt stuff, huh?
711
00:32:52,806 --> 00:32:56,009
(Doorbel rings)
712
00:32:56,109 --> 00:32:58,178
Oh, that’s Charlie, he’s gonna
give me a ride to the precinct.
713
00:33:00,580 --> 00:33:01,881
Hey pal.
Hey Jerry!
714
00:33:01,915 --> 00:33:04,050
Hi, Chrissie, how is Trix?
715
00:33:04,050 --> 00:33:05,452
(Laughs)
716
00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:06,853
I’m just kidding.
717
00:33:06,886 --> 00:33:08,188
Be with you in a second,I gotta get my hat.
718
00:33:08,221 --> 00:33:09,856
Okay, take your time.
719
00:33:09,889 --> 00:33:11,825
So, how is being at the
precinct.
720
00:33:11,858 --> 00:33:15,128
Not being too hard on the
working girls, are you?
721
00:33:15,161 --> 00:33:16,730
No! You know me, Chrissie,
722
00:33:16,763 --> 00:33:18,531
I don’t go in
for that blue nosed holier
723
00:33:18,565 --> 00:33:21,401
than most stuff, that’s the one
part of my job I hate the most.
724
00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:23,336
Yeah! I know what you
mean, Charlie.
725
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:27,974
Hey listen, I’m double parked,
726
00:33:28,074 --> 00:33:30,276
tell Jerry I’ll wait
for him the car, okay.
727
00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:31,678
Okay.
728
00:33:31,711 --> 00:33:33,747
Okay Charlie!
Take it easy.
729
00:33:33,780 --> 00:33:35,882
And Chrissie, don’t
work too hard, huh!
730
00:33:35,915 --> 00:33:37,984
(Laughs ironically)
731
00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:40,286
(Laughter)
732
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:41,588
Where’d Charlie go?
733
00:33:41,621 --> 00:33:43,423
Oh! He went to the car.
734
00:33:43,456 --> 00:33:46,159
You better ask Pipi for
the Policeman’s Ball, I mean,
735
00:33:46,192 --> 00:33:48,194
we’re pretty much
have to go, right?
736
00:33:48,228 --> 00:33:49,629
Hey!
737
00:33:49,662 --> 00:33:51,898
How do you look
so good every day?
738
00:33:51,931 --> 00:33:53,833
(Laughter)
739
00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:55,835
It’s my job.
740
00:33:55,869 --> 00:33:57,137
Are you okay?
741
00:33:57,170 --> 00:33:58,338
Sure honey, I am.
742
00:33:58,371 --> 00:34:00,040
I was just...
743
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,342
Well, I gotta confess, I was
starting to think about
744
00:34:02,375 --> 00:34:05,111
you know, that raising the
family issue again.
745
00:34:05,145 --> 00:34:07,047
Oh, Jerry!
746
00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:09,883
I don’t even have time for the
baby discussion
747
00:34:09,916 --> 00:34:11,584
let alone for a baby.
748
00:34:11,618 --> 00:34:15,689
Well, maybe we should
slow down our lives then.
749
00:34:15,722 --> 00:34:16,856
Oh, we?
750
00:34:16,890 --> 00:34:18,058
Don’t you mean, me?
751
00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:20,360
Now, look Chris, you know I
consider both our jobs
752
00:34:20,393 --> 00:34:21,695
to be completely equal.
753
00:34:21,728 --> 00:34:22,729
Oh, yeah!
754
00:34:22,762 --> 00:34:24,330
No!
755
00:34:24,364 --> 00:34:26,866
I’m just starting to think that
that’s just so much lip service.
756
00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:29,169
I mean, this is a very
crucial time for me.
757
00:34:29,202 --> 00:34:31,137
I’m making more money
than I ever have before.
758
00:34:31,171 --> 00:34:33,373
I’m getting bigger and
better clients and---
759
00:34:33,406 --> 00:34:34,941
(Laughter)
760
00:34:34,974 --> 00:34:38,945
you know, you don’t even bother
to ask me who clients are.
761
00:34:38,978 --> 00:34:41,414
Hey, we just had to have your
boss over for dinner again
762
00:34:41,448 --> 00:34:43,149
last Friday night.
763
00:34:43,183 --> 00:34:44,617
You hardly even spoke.
764
00:34:44,651 --> 00:34:46,886
Yeah. Well you know, frankly I
don’t care much for that guy.
765
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,421
He acts like he owns you.
766
00:34:48,455 --> 00:34:49,989
(Laughter)
767
00:34:50,090 --> 00:34:51,591
Really, I’m sorry Chris.
768
00:34:51,624 --> 00:34:54,094
But I’m really starting to feel
like I’m playing second fiddle
769
00:34:54,094 --> 00:34:57,097
to your work,
and that hurts me.
770
00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,265
Oh, Jerry!
771
00:34:59,299 --> 00:35:03,570
Jerry, first of all, you’re
not second fiddle to anything.
772
00:35:03,603 --> 00:35:09,342
And second of all, my job
isn’t as glamorous as it sound.
773
00:35:09,376 --> 00:35:11,711
Yeah, I know.
774
00:35:11,745 --> 00:35:14,948
God, Chris, we’ve gotta somehow
get off of this workaholic
775
00:35:15,048 --> 00:35:17,050
overachieving merry-go-round.
776
00:35:17,083 --> 00:35:19,252
(Laughter)
777
00:35:19,285 --> 00:35:20,954
I’ll tell you what.
778
00:35:21,054 --> 00:35:24,457
This weekend, I’ll cancel all
my appointments
779
00:35:24,491 --> 00:35:29,062
and you can trade shifts and
we’ll just go do some antiquing
780
00:35:29,095 --> 00:35:30,430
in the country.
781
00:35:30,463 --> 00:35:31,965
(Laughter)
782
00:35:32,065 --> 00:35:33,566
God, that would be great honey.
783
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:38,805
And, we’ll talk about how I can
combine my career with a baby.
784
00:35:40,140 --> 00:35:41,708
And a lot of hookers do it.
785
00:35:41,741 --> 00:35:43,843
(Laughter)
786
00:35:43,877 --> 00:35:45,245
I love you!
787
00:35:45,278 --> 00:35:47,414
(Piano playing)
788
00:35:47,447 --> 00:35:49,716
Ditto, copper.
789
00:35:49,749 --> 00:35:50,750
Hey!
790
00:35:50,784 --> 00:35:52,419
Remember to be careful.
791
00:35:52,452 --> 00:35:53,787
I always am.
792
00:35:53,820 --> 00:35:55,388
Promise me, you’ll
be careful too, huh!
793
00:35:57,357 --> 00:35:59,125
I always am.
794
00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:02,629
(Cheers and applause)
795
00:36:08,034 --> 00:36:11,738
(Music)
796
00:36:15,875 --> 00:36:18,144
(Man speaking)When Great Minds Meet
797
00:36:18,178 --> 00:36:19,446
Tonight’s guests
798
00:36:19,479 --> 00:36:21,614
Galileo
799
00:36:21,648 --> 00:36:23,683
Aristotle
800
00:36:23,717 --> 00:36:25,752
Joan of Arc
801
00:36:25,785 --> 00:36:27,721
Jefferson Davis
802
00:36:27,754 --> 00:36:30,190
and
Genghis Khan.
803
00:36:30,223 --> 00:36:33,393
Now, here is yourhost, Lowell Blain.
804
00:36:33,426 --> 00:36:36,062
Good evening and welcome
to When Great Minds Meet.
805
00:36:36,062 --> 00:36:38,598
The show where we bring together
the greatest men and women of
806
00:36:38,631 --> 00:36:42,302
the ages in a lively forum
of discussion and debate,
807
00:36:42,335 --> 00:36:44,771
a dream meeting, if you will.
808
00:36:44,804 --> 00:36:47,140
You’ve already met
tonight’s guests
809
00:36:47,173 --> 00:36:50,143
and it’s quite an exciting show,
so let’s get right to it.
810
00:36:50,176 --> 00:36:54,447
Now, economics, the engine that
motors the wheels of society,
811
00:36:54,481 --> 00:36:58,151
now you’ve all been involved in
systems supported by a serfdom
812
00:36:58,184 --> 00:37:01,121
or slave labor, what thoughts
do you have on that subject?
813
00:37:04,024 --> 00:37:05,692
I’m sorry, I didn’t
get all the names.
814
00:37:05,725 --> 00:37:07,027
You are---
815
00:37:07,027 --> 00:37:09,162
Galileo.
Galileo.
816
00:37:09,195 --> 00:37:10,363
And you are Joan---
817
00:37:10,397 --> 00:37:12,032
Of Arc, Joan of Arc.
818
00:37:12,032 --> 00:37:13,066
Hi, Joan.
819
00:37:13,099 --> 00:37:15,702
And you are Genghis?
820
00:37:15,735 --> 00:37:16,770
And you are?
821
00:37:16,803 --> 00:37:18,071
Davis, Jefferson Davis.
822
00:37:18,104 --> 00:37:19,572
Oh!Hi, nice to meet you!
823
00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:20,840
Oh, I’m Aristotle.
824
00:37:20,874 --> 00:37:22,676
Hi Aristotle!
Hi Aristotle!
825
00:37:22,709 --> 00:37:24,577
I’m sorry, I’ve got---
826
00:37:24,611 --> 00:37:25,779
you are Galileo.
827
00:37:25,812 --> 00:37:27,047
Yes!
828
00:37:27,047 --> 00:37:28,348
And you are Davis?
829
00:37:28,381 --> 00:37:29,716
No, I am Davis,
he’s Genghis.
830
00:37:29,749 --> 00:37:30,950
Oh!
831
00:37:31,051 --> 00:37:33,453
Oh, well the nameskinda sound alike.
832
00:37:33,486 --> 00:37:35,922
(Laughter)
833
00:37:39,559 --> 00:37:40,593
A little cold, isn’t it?
834
00:37:40,627 --> 00:37:41,861
Yeah!
Yeah! It’s really.
835
00:37:41,895 --> 00:37:43,196
Just cold.
836
00:37:43,229 --> 00:37:46,166
Yes. Well, I’ll see what
I can about it.
837
00:37:46,199 --> 00:37:48,201
In the mean time, let’s talk
about the arts in society.
838
00:37:48,234 --> 00:37:49,336
Excuse me.
839
00:37:49,369 --> 00:37:51,104
What’s your name again?
840
00:37:51,137 --> 00:37:52,605
I’m Lowell Blain.
841
00:37:52,639 --> 00:37:53,840
But, that’s---
842
00:37:53,873 --> 00:37:54,841
Alright, forget me.
843
00:37:54,874 --> 00:37:56,409
Alright!
844
00:37:56,443 --> 00:37:59,646
About the arts, we’ve seen an
overall decline in morality
845
00:37:59,679 --> 00:38:04,017
over the centuries and has that
decline reflected in our art?
846
00:38:05,518 --> 00:38:06,720
Excuse!
847
00:38:06,753 --> 00:38:09,089
Excuse me, I - I’m
just curious,
848
00:38:09,122 --> 00:38:12,459
what exactly did you do
Jefferson?
849
00:38:12,492 --> 00:38:17,263
Oh, well, I was one of the
leaders of the Confederacy.
850
00:38:17,297 --> 00:38:21,701
Actually, I was the
president of the confederacy
851
00:38:21,735 --> 00:38:23,203
During the civil war.
852
00:38:23,236 --> 00:38:24,838
Civil war?
853
00:38:24,871 --> 00:38:29,709
Oh, yes, the war between the
north and the south factions
854
00:38:29,743 --> 00:38:31,945
in United States.
855
00:38:32,045 --> 00:38:33,813
United States?
856
00:38:33,847 --> 00:38:36,750
Oh!
Of America.
857
00:38:36,783 --> 00:38:39,719
Well, it’s a new continent.
858
00:38:39,753 --> 00:38:44,257
We set all over from Europe
and eventually settled
859
00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:46,493
and eventually became
independent.
860
00:38:48,261 --> 00:38:50,063
(Laughter)
861
00:38:50,096 --> 00:38:53,833
1776, well, it’s a long story.
862
00:38:53,867 --> 00:38:55,268
Yes.
863
00:38:55,301 --> 00:38:58,505
Maybe we can - maybe many of you
have had the shared experience
864
00:38:58,538 --> 00:39:01,408
of battle, perhaps we
can talk about that,
865
00:39:01,441 --> 00:39:03,109
some comparisons in order.
866
00:39:03,143 --> 00:39:05,011
The woman fought?
867
00:39:05,011 --> 00:39:07,914
Well - well yes, I - I lead the
army of King Charles II
868
00:39:08,014 --> 00:39:10,383
against the English.
869
00:39:10,417 --> 00:39:11,651
English?
870
00:39:11,685 --> 00:39:13,420
(Laughter)
871
00:39:13,453 --> 00:39:15,789
It’s an island in the
northwestern part of Europe,
872
00:39:15,822 --> 00:39:17,157
England.
873
00:39:17,190 --> 00:39:19,025
England.
874
00:39:19,059 --> 00:39:21,428
(Laughter)
875
00:39:21,461 --> 00:39:23,663
Well anyway, it was actually the
voice of the Lord
876
00:39:23,697 --> 00:39:26,633
that told me to save the king.
877
00:39:26,666 --> 00:39:29,035
The Lord?
878
00:39:29,035 --> 00:39:30,103
Oh, boy.
879
00:39:30,136 --> 00:39:33,106
That’s a whole kind of worms.
880
00:39:33,139 --> 00:39:35,475
Why do you all have
to save the king?
881
00:39:35,508 --> 00:39:37,344
Well, he was king of France
of at the time and---
882
00:39:37,377 --> 00:39:38,778
France?
883
00:39:38,812 --> 00:39:41,881
Well, Gaul, Gaul, ring a bell?
884
00:39:41,915 --> 00:39:43,316
And---
885
00:39:43,350 --> 00:39:46,052
well, really, I don’t have
to go into it, it’s a---
886
00:39:46,052 --> 00:39:49,189
The point is, she was
involved in the war.
887
00:39:49,222 --> 00:39:53,126
And Genghis, please don’t carve
your initials on the table.
888
00:39:53,159 --> 00:39:55,362
(Laughter)
889
00:39:55,395 --> 00:39:57,330
Now perhaps the subject of war
versus peace
890
00:39:57,364 --> 00:40:00,700
might be of some interest,
is war inevitable?
891
00:40:00,734 --> 00:40:02,068
What’s that?
892
00:40:02,102 --> 00:40:03,403
What is what?
893
00:40:03,436 --> 00:40:04,671
What’s that object?
894
00:40:04,704 --> 00:40:06,139
It’s a heating vent.
895
00:40:06,172 --> 00:40:07,307
And what does it do?
896
00:40:07,340 --> 00:40:09,275
It brings hot air into theroom.
897
00:40:09,309 --> 00:40:10,276
From outside?
898
00:40:10,310 --> 00:40:11,978
Yes, from outside.
899
00:40:12,012 --> 00:40:14,814
Does that mean it’s making
the air colder outside?
900
00:40:14,848 --> 00:40:16,750
No, it doesn’t make it cold---
901
00:40:16,783 --> 00:40:18,418
Oh, you know, we went to a
lot of trouble
902
00:40:18,451 --> 00:40:20,220
to bring you all here
together.
903
00:40:20,253 --> 00:40:21,454
It would really nice
if you could just---
I don’t understand how...
904
00:40:21,488 --> 00:40:23,590
Hey, guys, you’re gonna
have to leave now.
905
00:40:23,623 --> 00:40:25,091
Well, we’re - we’re not done.
906
00:40:25,125 --> 00:40:27,093
I’m sorry, we have to set the
studio for Wall Street week.
907
00:40:27,127 --> 00:40:27,727
Wall Street?
Wall Street?
908
00:40:27,761 --> 00:40:28,928
Oh, shut up!
909
00:40:28,962 --> 00:40:30,530
Oh, you idiots. Alright,
come on, get up, get up!
910
00:40:30,563 --> 00:40:32,298
Out! Let’s go! Move!
911
00:40:32,332 --> 00:40:35,602
(Laughter and applause)
912
00:40:35,635 --> 00:40:38,872
Well, I guess,
we’re out of time.
913
00:40:38,905 --> 00:40:42,208
Join us next week when we will
have five more great minds---
914
00:40:42,242 --> 00:40:43,743
(Laughter)
915
00:40:43,777 --> 00:40:46,012
all of whom that better be
relatively acquainted
916
00:40:46,046 --> 00:40:46,846
right quick.
917
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:48,248
Now come on, let’s go.
918
00:40:48,281 --> 00:40:49,883
Genghis! Genghis!
919
00:40:49,916 --> 00:40:53,753
(Cheers and applause)
920
00:40:56,022 --> 00:41:00,060
(Sea waves sound)
921
00:41:00,093 --> 00:41:03,096
(Wind)(Bel dings twice)
922
00:41:03,129 --> 00:41:05,665
(Wooden ship squeaks)
923
00:41:10,503 --> 00:41:11,738
Nice penguin!
924
00:41:11,771 --> 00:41:12,605
New?
925
00:41:12,639 --> 00:41:13,406
Yeah!
926
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:14,607
Hey, nice swan.
927
00:41:14,641 --> 00:41:15,542
Thanks!
928
00:41:15,575 --> 00:41:17,477
Yeah! I’ve had him
for a while!
929
00:41:17,510 --> 00:41:18,578
What’s his name?
930
00:41:18,611 --> 00:41:19,279
Paulie!
931
00:41:19,312 --> 00:41:20,113
Really?
932
00:41:20,146 --> 00:41:21,581
Mine’s named is Paulie, too.
933
00:41:21,614 --> 00:41:22,782
Hey, hey!
934
00:41:25,085 --> 00:41:26,319
How do you like him?
935
00:41:26,353 --> 00:41:27,587
Oh, pretty good!
936
00:41:27,620 --> 00:41:29,122
You know, they can
get heavy though.
937
00:41:29,155 --> 00:41:30,824
You know, you can feel it on
your back at night sometimes.
938
00:41:30,857 --> 00:41:32,392
Yeah!
939
00:41:32,425 --> 00:41:33,860
Black looks great.
940
00:41:33,893 --> 00:41:34,861
Yeah! Yeah!
941
00:41:34,894 --> 00:41:35,995
I tried the white swan but,
942
00:41:36,096 --> 00:41:37,764
the glare really
gets to you sometimes.
943
00:41:37,797 --> 00:41:39,466
(Laughter)
944
00:41:39,499 --> 00:41:42,202
I tell you, sometimes I miss
the gold old parrot days.
945
00:41:42,235 --> 00:41:43,503
Things seemed a lot
simpler back then.
946
00:41:43,536 --> 00:41:44,704
Yeah!
947
00:41:44,738 --> 00:41:48,308
You know, it’s gotten
so competitive.
948
00:41:48,341 --> 00:41:49,476
Does he talk?
949
00:41:49,509 --> 00:41:50,777
The swan? Oh, no!
950
00:41:50,810 --> 00:41:52,245
No, he doesn’t talk.
951
00:41:52,278 --> 00:41:56,583
I tried and tried to get him to,
but just comes out like a honk!
952
00:41:56,616 --> 00:41:59,285
I don’t know, one time I thought
I heard him say "Paulie want",
953
00:41:59,319 --> 00:42:01,287
but I think I was
imagining things.
954
00:42:01,321 --> 00:42:02,922
Wishful thinking maybe, huh?
955
00:42:02,956 --> 00:42:04,791
Exactly.
956
00:42:04,824 --> 00:42:08,261
I’m gonna be looking at some
maybe pelicans next week
957
00:42:08,294 --> 00:42:09,696
in Barbados.
958
00:42:09,729 --> 00:42:11,765
Why? What’s wrong
with your penguin?
959
00:42:11,798 --> 00:42:14,467
Oh, nothing, but you
know, they migrate.
960
00:42:14,501 --> 00:42:15,435
You can’t stop him?
961
00:42:15,468 --> 00:42:16,102
No!
962
00:42:16,136 --> 00:42:17,237
No, they gotta go.
963
00:42:17,270 --> 00:42:18,138
Yeah!
964
00:42:18,171 --> 00:42:19,939
(Laughter)
965
00:42:19,973 --> 00:42:22,175
You know, I wouldn’t
get a pelican though.
966
00:42:22,208 --> 00:42:23,276
Why is that?
967
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:26,413
Well, all that bag thing can
really block
968
00:42:26,446 --> 00:42:28,848
your peripheral vision,
you know, it’s terrible.
969
00:42:28,882 --> 00:42:30,116
What about an eagle?
970
00:42:30,150 --> 00:42:32,652
No, that’s how I lost this.
971
00:42:32,686 --> 00:42:34,554
Ouch!
Yeah!
972
00:42:34,587 --> 00:42:36,523
(Laughter)
973
00:42:36,556 --> 00:42:38,391
What about a scarlet ibis?
974
00:42:38,425 --> 00:42:39,726
I was thinking about
getting one of those.
975
00:42:39,759 --> 00:42:42,095
Have you priced the
scarlet ibis lately?
976
00:42:42,095 --> 00:42:43,563
Yeah!
Forget, huh?
977
00:42:43,596 --> 00:42:46,499
Well, unless you’ve found some
buried treasure or something.
978
00:42:46,533 --> 00:42:48,335
Oh, sh, shh---
979
00:42:48,368 --> 00:42:49,235
Here he comes.
980
00:42:49,269 --> 00:42:51,004
Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.
981
00:42:52,806 --> 00:42:53,940
Hi, guys!
982
00:42:53,973 --> 00:42:55,575
Hi!Hi!
983
00:42:55,608 --> 00:42:57,110
(Laughter)
984
00:42:57,143 --> 00:42:58,178
Hi, Tom!
985
00:42:58,211 --> 00:42:59,913
(Laughs)
986
00:42:59,946 --> 00:43:01,081
Nice day, huh?
987
00:43:01,114 --> 00:43:02,282
Yeah!
988
00:43:02,315 --> 00:43:03,550
Really pretty!(Laughs)
989
00:43:04,651 --> 00:43:07,654
Hey, nice parakeet!
990
00:43:07,687 --> 00:43:10,623
(Laughter)
991
00:43:10,657 --> 00:43:12,258
Thanks!
992
00:43:12,292 --> 00:43:13,493
Oh, see you around, huh?
993
00:43:13,526 --> 00:43:14,961
Yeah! See us around!
994
00:43:16,529 --> 00:43:18,665
Well, see you!
995
00:43:18,698 --> 00:43:19,766
Don’t count for taste, huh?
996
00:43:19,799 --> 00:43:21,067
Tell me about it!
997
00:43:22,535 --> 00:43:24,070
Oh, boy!
998
00:43:25,905 --> 00:43:27,474
So, what do you think
about a humming bird?
999
00:43:27,507 --> 00:43:29,109
Well, I’ll tell
you, weight wise,
1000
00:43:29,142 --> 00:43:30,744
it’s something to think
about but then you know,
1001
00:43:30,777 --> 00:43:33,113
you’ve got that feeder hanging
down through your hat
1002
00:43:33,146 --> 00:43:35,582
all the time and dripping
sugar water so---
1003
00:43:35,615 --> 00:43:36,516
Yeah!
1004
00:43:36,549 --> 00:43:37,851
It’s a trade off, you know.
1005
00:43:37,884 --> 00:43:39,252
Probably attract a
lot of flies, too.
1006
00:43:39,285 --> 00:43:40,353
Yeah!
1007
00:43:40,387 --> 00:43:41,388
What about if I get a fly
catcher
1008
00:43:41,421 --> 00:43:42,822
to go with the humming bird?
1009
00:43:42,856 --> 00:43:45,458
I don’t know, it just seems
so busy to me, you know.
1010
00:43:45,492 --> 00:43:46,559
And you’re probably right!
1011
00:43:46,593 --> 00:43:47,827
Yeah!
1012
00:43:47,861 --> 00:43:49,362
Hey, mates!
1013
00:43:49,396 --> 00:43:51,765
(Laughter)
1014
00:43:51,798 --> 00:43:54,234
Nice flamingo!
1015
00:43:54,267 --> 00:43:55,802
Yeah! It looks good on
him but you know,
1016
00:43:55,835 --> 00:43:57,404
he could - kinda of
really be thin for those.
1017
00:43:59,472 --> 00:44:02,042
How about a woodpecker?
1018
00:44:02,042 --> 00:44:03,910
It could be pretty risky
with this peg leg of mine.
1019
00:44:03,943 --> 00:44:04,944
Ooh!
1020
00:44:05,045 --> 00:44:07,247
(Laughter)
1021
00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:09,849
(Seagulls)
1022
00:44:09,883 --> 00:44:12,152
Did you hear aboutBlackbeard’s mocking bird?
1023
00:44:12,185 --> 00:44:13,486
No, what?
1024
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:14,921
He killed it.
1025
00:44:14,954 --> 00:44:16,556
Boy, you could’vepredicted that.
1026
00:44:16,589 --> 00:44:18,258
Yeah!
1027
00:44:18,291 --> 00:44:20,827
(Cheers and applause)
1028
00:44:22,128 --> 00:44:27,367
(Music)
1029
00:44:28,535 --> 00:44:30,070
Don’t you dare!
Don’t you dare!
1030
00:44:30,070 --> 00:44:32,772
I learned two things this week
that the show really is live,
1031
00:44:32,806 --> 00:44:35,241
and, second, that everybody
really is terrific.
1032
00:44:35,275 --> 00:44:36,876
There’s not a jerk
in the bunch!
1033
00:44:36,910 --> 00:44:38,278
Thank you!
1034
00:44:38,311 --> 00:44:42,982
(Cheers and applause)
1035
00:44:43,083 --> 00:44:45,919
(Music)
75820
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