All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E12.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With: Dana Carvey

Nora Dunn

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Jon Lovitz

Dennis Miller

And, Kevin Nealon

Musical guest, Randy Travis.

And featuring G.E.Smith and
the Saturday Night live Band.

And starring, Tom Hanks!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tom Hanks!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

I know!

I know!
I know!

I know, this is -
this is very exciting.

It’s really is exciting

being live in front of
millions of people.

It’s very exciting!

It’s exciting for me because
this a potentially

very powerful position.

I can do anything up here
and nobody could stop me!

I can say anything up
here, nobody can stop me.

How it goes?

It’s - it’s all my choice.

But you know, the writers and
everybody around here

on the show, they’re just
- just so political,

I - I kinda feel pressured that
I had to make like a plea

for social justice or something
with these few minutes,

like I had to somehow comment on
the current

American Culture you know.

But I think that the very fact
that I’m here in charge

of a major network, live
in front of you all,

I think that pretty much says
everything there is to know

about America right now.

(Laughter)

Now this it!

I mean, here it is!

Here I am!

Call it free enterprise!

Call it freedom of the press!

Call it a horrible
mistake, whatever!

It doesn’t - this
is America you know.

And we have something here
that not every country has.

Well, we have television.

Well - okay we got a lot
of other things, too.

We have what?

We have freedom of religion.

We have freedom of democracy.

We have like the right to vote.

Now, these things are all a lot
more important

than a lot of people
realize, okay.

Now I heard for example the
other day that over 40%

of our electorate hasn’t even
registered to vote.

Now is that much of a
hassle to register to vote?

Well, I’m asking you, because I
haven’t voted myself,

you know, quite some time.

(Laughter)

I’m just curious.

See, as - I’m not
apathetic, mind you.

I have a lot of respect
for vote - voting.

It just - it seems just a little
- I don’t know highhanded to me

and I mean, who am I to be
passing down this judgment

on men, grown men that
I don’t even know.

I mean, I have anointed you
to rule over us against them,

I mean, just - it’s
just not my style.

You know, if there were a tie,
all right

I’d come down and vote.

(Laughter)

Well, I got to be
honest with you,

I’m just gonna flip a coin cause
I - you have to especially now.

There are so many of these
candidates

running for president.

I mean, can’t - let’s see,
there’s that---

there’s a faith healer guy.

(Laughter)

There’s that - the
Vice President guy.

Jermaine Jackson I think
is running for president.

(Laughter)

Lesley Gore just
entered the race

just for this big
thing Tueday.

Now, is this even legal having
all these people run

for president of the
United States?

Is there a law against it, seems
to me when I was a kid there was

never more than you know three,
four people tops who were

running for president and I just
root for whichever one look

the most like my dad.

I’d see - I’m not comfortable
talking about politics anyway

because it always ends up
in some kind of a fight.

Everyone has an
opinion, you know.

You’re mad at me but look,
there’s one thing one

I’m gonna tell you right now.

I am going to register
to vote this year.

I’m probably not gonna actually
vote but I am gonna register,

but you never know.

Now, who knows!

Come December, I may just go on
to where those voting places.

(Laughter)

And I’ll go into one of those
like a little booth like deals

that they have with my little
ballot and I’m gonna do

what every American has
the right to do.

Oh, one potato, two
potato, three potato,

four - thanks we got
a great show tonight.

Randy Travis is with us
and we’ll be right back.

(Music and applause)

Oh yes!

Yes, indeed!

Forty-ninth and first.

Excellent corner for
scoping out the babes.

You said a mouthful!

Whoa!

Stop the presses!

What have we here?

Hello!

(Soft laughter)

Goodbye.

Oh, yeah!

Not interested in me at all.

No reaction whatsoever.

You know it, brother.

Way too pretty for
this hombre.

Yeah!

Oh, boy!

Here comes another
live one!

Ho! Hey!

Mama mia!

Hello!

Goodbye!

Oh, yeah!

Out of my league!

Mine, too!

(Slap palms)

(Laughter)

Boy!

Wouldn’t give me
the time all day!

Well, lookie here!

Oh, me likes what me sees!

Good evening!

And good night!

Not even eye contact.

The ladies just don’t like me.

To say the least!

My face is just too wide!

Yeah!

And my hairline can’t
be helping, either.

(Laughter and applause)

I’d be hurt and disappointed,
if it didn’t happen so often.

So true!

Whoa! Babe alert!

Oh, yes!

Oh, no!

(Laughter)

Like we didn’t even exist!

Completely indifferent!

Yes!

She wasn’t even
that attractive!

But still out of my reach.

A sad comment on my life!

Yours and mine both.

The good Lord gave me this
body, and there

ain’t no changing it now!

Amen!

Yeah!

This old head’s just way out
of proportion for this body.

(Laughter and applause)

And these eyebrows come together
in the most unappealing way.

(Laughter)

Truly sad!

Okay! Here we go.

Bottom of the ninth,
two outs, full count.

Strike Three!
Strike Three!

Oh, we are out!

Why did we even try?

We have little sense
of fashion,

and we can’t even
lure them with money.

No way!

We’ve got low-paying jobs
with no hope for advancement.

(Laughter)

And worse yet, I make
poor conversation.

I hear you!

Hey, excuse me, fellows,
but this is my corner!

No problem, amigo.

We were just
calling it quits.

No luck?

You know it!

I’d make fun of you guys, but
I am just one sad sack myself.

Small consolation!

Oh, yeah!

(Soft laughter)

Let the games commence!

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
It’s "The Pat Stevens Show",

with your host, Pat Stevens.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Hello everybody,
I’m Pat Stevens,

welcome to " The
Pat Stevens Show"!

Now, Winter’s still
here, and we’re weary,

but Voguetells
us: " Think Spring."

That’s a good thing
to think, isn’t it?

Let’s do it.

(Laughter)

Okay!

I’ll tell you what
I was thinking,

softening the facial
palette and toning the legs.

Now, I’ve already
lightened my palette,

so let’s work on
the legs, shall we?

It’s a toning exercise,
using our Vogue,

so we’re going to extend
the legs, flex the heels,

and we’re ready, to lift.

And lift, and lift, and lift---

feel the burn, and lift,
and lift, and lift---

lowering down, it’s not so easy.

Raising it now---

and lift, and lift,
and lift, and lift---

when it hurts, it helps.

Let it burn.

Hold it up isometric hold.

And exhale down, blow
it out, shake it out!

Ooh!

I feel good!

Ladies, remember:
no pain, no gain.

So, we are ready to meet
our - our guests today.

Uh, very, very special ladies,
they are the Republican

First-Lady hopefuls,
running neck and neck.

Welcome, please, Barbara
Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, it’s wonderful to see you!

Hello!

Well, oh!

Well, it’s so nice having you
both, of course, Elizabeth,

you and I are old friends.

And, Barbara, well, I’d like
to congratulate George

on his startling victory in
- in New Hampshire,

he’s doing well in the south,
he’s had a wonderful reign

as Vice-President.

Tell me, are you
proud of your son?

(Laughter and applause)

Pat, George is not my
son, he’s my husband.

Oh, Heavens!

I guess I dropped
a fly in your soup!

(Laughter)

Well, she looks so much older.

I hardly think
it’s my faux pas.

(Laughter)

I turn now to Elizabeth Dole,
now you and your husband

have written a remarkable book.

Well, gosh, thank you, Pat.

Yes, we have.

It’s entitled " The Doles:
Unlimited Partners".

Because, Pat,
that’s what we are.

It’s about our lives, and
how we’ve dealt

with being a dual-career-couple.

Now, I am a career woman.

I graduated from Duke
University, studied at Oxford,

got a law degree from
Harvard University.

I served in the Nixon and
Reagan administrations.

I was Officer of Human Affairs.

I was Head of the Federal Trade
Commission, and I was of course,

Public Liaison to
President Reagan

before I became
Transportation Secretary.

And now, I’m just helping
my husband’s campaign.

Heavens!

Did they ever call
you Wonder Woman?

Oh, aren’t you sweet?

That’s terrific!

Now---
(Clears throat)

(Laughter)

Barbara, I understand
you’ve written a book

about the family cocker spaniel,
and you’re working on a rug.

(Laughter)

Yes, I have been
needle-pointing

a 14-foot rug for some
time, on and off.

The book is just something I
work on occasionally, for fun.

But I’m most interested in my
work to combat illiteracy

and my involvement in
support of the arts.

I’ve raised five children---

Well, that’s enough to
turn anybody’s hair grey!

I’d like to get back to
Elizabeth and your book.

Well, now, Pat, it’s not just
my book, it’s Bob’s, too.

That’s really the point
of the whole thing!

And I’d like to share some of my
advice for dual career couples,

if I may?

Oh, my runway is yours!

Oh, thank you, Pat!

Okay! Here we go.

Number 1: Have as many
special times as you can.

Number 2: Don’t allow
work to crowd out

the really important things.

Number 3: Travel together
as often as you can.

Number 4: Men, send flowers.

Bravo!
(Claps hands)

It’s about time
somebody said it!

Well, I’m glad it was me!

(Laughter)

Number 5: Women, leave little
notes around the house.

You know, I do that.

And I live alone!

Now---

(Laughter)

I tell you, it works.

I leave little notes to
myself all around the house,

"You look terrific."

"Have a nice day!"

"Check your thighs."

I’m telling you, it
works like a charm!

You know, it is - it’s the
little things that count

and I’m sure Barbara
knows that.

Well, it’s important
to stay together.

I’ve been traveling with George
this year and I’ve enjoyed it,

it rather surprised me, it
was like going on a vacation,

and I have to...

Well, I’m sorry I have to
cut your vacation short,

we’re running out of time
but please do come back.

And freshen up that facial
palette, live a little!

But, Elizabeth, you are
a gem, great having you.

I’m Pat Stevens!

Oh, I think I forgot to
mention Point Number 6:

Talk on the phone.

Oh, well that’s
self-explanatory, isn’t it?

Yes!
It’s wonderful!

(Man speaking)
You’ve been watching "The Pat
Stevens Show"

with your host, Pat Stevens.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson,
Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Good evening!

And what can I tell you?

Congressman Richard Gephardt
has posted a $5000 reward

for the return of his
eyebrows

which he says he lost on the
campaign trail.

The reward is in cash and
no questions will be asked.

Republicans George Bush and
Jack Kemp were the only

two candidates in last night’s
Dallas, Texas debate.

The other two remaining
presidential contenders,

Pat Robertson and Bob Dole,
decided to just slug it out

in the ring, saying the public
was tired of hearing words,

and craved a little action.

The winner was expected to fight
Dan Rather at Caesar’s Palace

in November.

(Laughter)

You know who this is?

Unbelievable!

This is George Bush, Jr.

You know, he’s really so much
better looking than his father,

isn’t he?

I mean, like a million
trillion times, really.

I bet you the old man hates him!

(Laughter)

Since Ricky Skaggs
endorsed Pat Robertson,

political experts point to
Robertson’s incredible showing

with the Skagg vote in Iowa.

(Laughter)

At this point, I’d like
to make a correction.

Last week I referred to Gary
Hart as a presidential hopeful.

He is an ex-Senator.

(Laughter)

After throwing his support
behind Bob Dole’s candidacy

last week, Al Haig has been
showing up at Dole rallies

stinking drunk, demanding a
little pocket money.

(Laughter and applause)

Du Pont, Babbit, who cares.

(Laughter)

Well, the Olympics are stirring
up a lot of excitement,

and our own Kevin Nealon
just returned from Calgary,

and is here now with
a firsthand report.

Kevin?

Thanks, Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

You know, it was really
exciting, the Olympics.

Now, I’m not an authority
on the Winter Games,

but just to be part of
that whole, you know,

environment was exhilarating.

You know, even during the -
I want to say suppositories,

but that - the preliminaries!

Even during the preliminaries---

(Laughter)

that was exciting.

And Calgary, it was great!

It was just jammed
with people, too.

I’m not a good judge on crowds,
but I’d say there was 174 people

there and, really,
you couldn’t move!

(Laughter)

You know what I really liked
though, was the, uh - the, uh---

I want to say breast-fed,
but that’s not it.

Uh, the bobsled event.

(Laughter)

I was watching that and
those guys are crazy!

They shoot down that thing!

I’m not a good judge on speed,
but they must be going

at least 925 miles per hour.

(Laughter)

You know, they’re
wearing those, uh---

I want to say Cocoa Puffs.

(Laughter)

Uh, no, helmets.

They’re wearing helmets!

And that they’re going so fast,
you know that even under those

helmets their hair must be
whipping back like crazy,

you know!

What scares me the most though

is when the sled goes up
on its side.

It’s kind of like watching one
of those, what do you call it---

(Soft laughter)

I want to say lemon
meringue,

catamaran, it’s like
watching a catamaran.

And you know what’s even -
even crazier than the bobsled?

I want to say luge, but I
don’t even think that’s a word!

(Laughter)

Anyway - anyway, as far as the
United States winning

some gold medals, all I can say
is, it’s not over.

There’s still a chance.

It’s just like when Washington
beat the Broncos

in the Super Bowl.

You know, nobody thought
that - that uh---

I’m not good with names.

(Soft laughter)

I want to say Connie Chung,
but that’s ridiculous, so---

she’s not even the - uh, just
for the sake of finishing this,

let’s just leave
it at Connie Chung.

Nobody thought Connie Chung
would become

the first black quarterback
to win a Super Bowl.

(Laughter)

And, you know, it’s the same
thing with that Austrian, uh,

Buddy Ebsen, when he won the
giant..salmon..four years ago,

at the Winter Games in
Sergio Leone, you know.

So there’s still hope.

Back to you, Larry!

Thank you, Kevin!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Kevin Nealon!

In a surprise vote last night,
the Senate approved

the third term
for President Reagan.

However, they cancelled
his first two terms,

declaring them
absolutely worthless.

Judge Anthony Kennedy took his
place on the Supreme Court bench

on Thursday after the
administration of the oath,

the judges retired to a private
party in their chambers

where Kennedy learned the
secret handshake,

chugged a pint of slow gin and
made the traditional run

around the Lincoln Memorial
wearing nothing

but his robe and a brassiere.

(Laughter)

A rival ministry has accused
Reverend Jimmy Swaggart

of adultery claiming to have
pictures of Swaggart leaving

a hotel room with a
known prostitute.

Naturally, a multi-millionaire
dollar slander suit

has been filed by the
prostitute.

(Laughter)

Even though Austrian President
Kurt Waldheim has vowed

not to step down, his party is
readying a replacement,

Sergeant Heinz Schultz.

(Laughter and applause)

When asked about Nazi
atrocity, Schultz replied,

"I know nothing!

I see nothing!"

(Applause)

This just in!

There’s nothing in this
piece of paper in my hand.

It is just a prop to make
the news look more authentic.

(Soft laughter)

Well, it’s been a sad time,
for women all across America,

Larry Bird broke his nose
last week and ladies,

I’m afraid he’ll never
look the same again.

(Laughter)

Billie Boggs, the homeless woman
who gained famed after running

with New York Mayor Ed Kock
spoke before

the Harvard Law School,
on Thursday.

She told reporters that the
incident - since the incident,

she has been interviewed
on national television,

received movie and book offers
and AT&T has asked her

to replace Cliff Robertson as
the company spokesperson.

On a lighter note, these happy
revelers at this week’s

Mardi Gras celebration,
all are dead.

(Laughter)

(Clears throat)

Mike, come on buddy!

Come back to us!

(Laughter)

Grab the reins, it’s a monkey.

(Laughter)

And now with a
sociological introspective,

here is news correspondent
Victoria Jackson.

Hi, Victoria!

Hi!

Thanks Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you Dennis!

The life of a Coffee
Mug by Victoria Jackson!

The life of coffee
mug is not supreme.

Sure, I hold your coffee and
your sugar and cream

but I think
I need more out of life!

(Sobbing)

Victoria, what’s the matter?

(Talking with voice changed)
I’m sorry, I can’t
do it anymore!

I can’t do this stupid
Victoria airhead
thing, anymore.

(Laughter)

I’m a serious actress and
it’s really making me sick!

I mean, how long can you
pound a thing into the ground?

You know, what really kills
me is that people buy it.

(Laughter)

The voice!

The poems, go figure!

Vic, but wait!

(Yelling)
Shut up!

(Laughter)

Starting tonight, I’m
gonna do what I do best,

insightful political commentary.

The ongoing conflict in
Nicaragua, Ortega’s mustache,

by Victoria Jackson!

A mustache is a
silly thing

A tickly, fickly
prickly thing

A patch of hair growing
over your lip

A hairy spot over the place
you sip

Some people think
a moustache is jolly

Others think
it’s just pure folly

But to me, a mustache is nice

And add spice to life

As long as it doesn’t
grow on your wife

And Dennis, back to you

Oh, thank you Victoria!

(Cheers and applause)

That really felt good
to get off my chest!

Thank you very much!

Victoria Jackson!

Thank you!

(Applause)

Well, the Winter Olympics will
continue for another week

but the real record in
sports this week

goes the Elle Macpherson

who took the cover of Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

for the third consecutive year.

Magazine editors say it was no
surprise, since she has trained

hard, stayed in shape during
the off season,

but more than, that she had the
desire in a world class set

of hooters.

(Laughter)

The edge was taken off the
American teams’ disaster

showing in the Winter Games in
Calgary, on Wednesday night

when pageant officials voted the
United States team,

Miss Congeniality.

(Soft laughter)

And in a related Olympics story,
the Portuguese bob sled team

plays last in the Daytona 500.

One of the hottest Olympic
souvenirs in Calgary

is this inflatable luge doll.

The life size doll is especially
popular with many the lonely

athletes and some of the
more unattractive spectators.

This week in Calgary,
Dick Palmer

head of the British
Olympic Association

introduced chinless wonder
Princess Anne

to British ski jumper Michael
"too much chin" Edwards.

Palmer arranged the meeting.

He explained because I knew
it would really make me laugh!

(Laughter)

Bad luck in Calgary for
downhill skier Jeff Olson.

Olson was drawing through the
Olympic village and threw

his back out when he made a
sharp 360 degree turn

to avoid having a conversation

with ABC’s Olympic Commentators,
Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford.

And three people were killed
this week at the Calgary
Olympics

when they attempted to
sing the name game

with Pirmin Zurbriggen.

(Laughter)

This week, President
Reagan sent Congress

next year’s budget proposals,

totaling
nearly $1.1 trillion.

For further explanation, here is
Weekend Update correspondent

Jon Lovitz.

Hello, Jon!
Hello Dennis!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis!

The national budget is so
complicated

you have to be
a genius to understand it.

You also have to be important,
famous and successful.

You say you’re none of these?

Well, then, I have one piece of
advice for you, get to know me!

Get to know my
likes, my dislikes.

What makes me sick?

What makes me me?

What’s my favorite color?

Do I always come to
life in the Spring?

Get to know me!

Now here’s a letter from a man
who lives in Manhattan:

"Dear Jon, before I got to
know you,

I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.

I didn’t have a cent to my name.

In fact, I didn’t have a name.

I couldn’t afford one.

And then I got to know you,
and today

they call me Donald Trump!"

(Yelling)
Get to know me!

What do I do in my spare time?

Have I always had
this much hair?

Where is my secret freckle?

Get to know me!

Now, here’s a letter from a
woman who lives in Europe:

"Dear Jon, before I got
to know you,

I was nothing,
nowhere, nobody.

I had bad teeth and
couldn’t afford braces.

And then one day,
I got to know you.

Well, I never got those braces,
but today they call me

Queen Elizabeth!"

(Laughter)

Get to know me!

(Cheers and applause)

Now, here’s a letter from
someone who didn’t get to
know me---

"Dear Blank, I didn’t get
to know you, signed Nobody."

(Laughter)

Now, I know some of you
are probably thinking,

"What a jerk!"

Congratulations!

You’re getting to know me!

(Laughter and applause)

Oh, remember, if you want to
get to know me--- Get to know
me!

Thank you, Jon!

Thank you Dennis!

(Applause)

Thank you!

Thank you, Jon!

You know, the really
sick thing is,

I know where his
secret freckle is.

(Laughter)

A young California
scientist this week

unveiled fetch-o-vision,

a television that comes and
finds you

when something good is on.

(Laughter)

Once again - once again Director
Steven Spielberg was spurned

by the Academy Award
Nominations this week.

Spielberg enlisted the aid
of a close friend

and former employee to express
his feelings to the Academy.

(Laughter)

You know, Chevy Chase is hosting
this year’s Academy Award Show

and they told me this
was a dead end job.

Guess what folks that’s
the news and I am---

(Music and applause)

(Phone dial tone)

Oh, come on, man!

Come on, please!

Just pick it up!

Please, pick up!

Apple Support System,
can I help you?

Yeah!

Yeah! Support System, listen.

My name is Randy.

I’m new here and there’s
no one else around.

I told them I knew how to
work computers

and that’s why they hired me.

They’re gonna be in this morning
and I gotta have results, man!

And I don’t know
what’s what here---

Okay! Alright! Alright!
Randy, get a hold of yourself.

Now, first of all, what kind of
computer are you working with?

Uh, I don’t know!

Okay! Alright!
Listen, take it easy.

We’re gonna just walk
you through this.

It’s just a computer, man!

Okay! Alright! Alright!

Randy, are you there?

Yes! Yeah! Yeah!
I’m - I’m here!

Randy, look in the
lower left hand corner.

What does it say?

Uh, okay!

There’s a little yellow
thing, it’s got a smile on it,

and it says, "Have A Nice Day."

Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker.

You might want to peel that off.

Oh, okay!

Alright! I got it!

Okay, alright! Good, Randy.

Now, what does it
say underneath that?

Well, it doesn’t say
anything underneath it, man!

It was just a
sticker on the box!

Relax now, relax!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

There’s like a picture of a
tangerine, or a tangelo, or---

Okay, that’s a big help, Randy.

Uh, it sounds like you’re
operating a Macintosh!

Well, is it good or bad?

It’s good!It’s good!
It’s user-friendly.

Uh, there should be a
mouse hooked up to it.

Wait, wait, wait!

A mouse? User-friendly?

What are you talking about?
You’re losing me, man!

You’re losing me!

Never mind that!

Randy, I want you to put me on
your speaker box, on your phone.

What, the speaker box?

Yeah.
On your speaker box.

That way you can have both hands
free to operate the machine.

Oh, alright!Alright!

Speaker box, yeah, they
told me how to do that.

(Soft laughter)

There, okay.

Are you there?

Hey!

(Yelling)
Where’d you go, man?

Hey, where’d you go?

Right here, Randy.

Sorry, I was taking
a sip of coffee.

Oh!

Oh, okay!

Yeah!

Is it - is it good coffee?

Yes, it is, Randy.

And maybe when all this is over,

you and I can get together
for a nice, hot cup.

Yeah!

That’ll be good, yeah!

That’d be good.

You’re okay, now,
are you with me?

Yeah! Yeah!
I’m right here!

Now, listen very carefully.

With your left hand, reach
behind the machine

and push down the
rocker switch.

You mean, this
light switch thing?

Yes. That’s it. Push it down.

Now?

Yes. Push it down, Randy.

Okay!

Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming!

Hey! It’s making noises!

(Yelling)
There’s a white light
on this thing, man!

Randy, it’s okay!

It’s supposed to do that.

That’s good, that’s good!

Alright, Randy, you okay?

Yeah. I’m fine.
I’m okay.

Alright, good! The
hardest part’s over.

Okay, now, go down to your
keyboard, and find the small---

Wait a minute, keyboard!

(Yelling)
Man, what are you talking
about?

Keyboard?

The panel, right below

the big box with
the letters on it, Randy.

Well, you mean this
typewriter deal?

Yeah!

Now, take your finger and push
down twice

on that little white
cube that says "Open".

Oh, okay, okay!

Here it goes!

I did it! I did it!

Hey, okay, it’s done!

It’s making noises,
lots of noises!

Okay, Randy, you’ve now
reached the Desktop mode,

you’re home-free.

Okay, okay, Desktop, alright!

Now, you should see a bunch
of funny-looking pictures.

With your left hand, push down
the Shift button

and the Command button
at the same time.

Okay, got it.

Got it?

Got - yeah!

Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!

Congratulations!

You can now retrieve any
file or document you want,

just by typing it
on the keyboard.

Oh, that’s - that’s great!

Okay! Okay!I got it!

I guess I’m gonna
hang up now, okay?

Okay, Randy!

Good luck!

Oh, and hey, Randy?

Yeah?

Have a nice day!

Thanks, man.

Hello?

Hi, yeah, thank you
for holding.

Now, you wanted two
round-trip tickets, right?

What day did you want to fly?

Okay!

Are you gonna need a
rented car for that?

(Applause)

(Woman speaking)
Dr.Davis, telephone please!

Dr.Davis, telephone---

(Man speaking)
Okay, now!

Now! Push!
Push! Come on!

You can do it!
Push! Push!

Push harder now!

Come on! Keep pushing!
Keep pushing!

Good! Alright, now,
get up on the bed!

Excuse me, sir, I thought I
asked you to wait outside.

Nurse, would you please!

Alright, I’ll wait
outside. Okay!

I’ll wait out - I’ll wait here.

(Soft laughter)

(Slapping face)
(Man cries)

You can do it, Doctor!

(Cries)

You can deliver this baby!

No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

You can!

(Yelling)
Sir!

Would you please
wait outside?

I’ll wait outside!
I’ll wait outside!

Okay! Okay!

I know! I know!
I’m sorry!

Sit down sir! Have some coffee!

Sir!

Thank you!

Dr.Davis, telephone, please!

Dr.Davis, telephone, please!

(Woman cries)
Oh!

Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful,
it’s so beautiful!

Thank you! You really think so?

You see what I tried to
do with the distance?

I did some shading here,
way off in the back---

(Yelling)
Sir! Please!

Okay, I’ll wait outside.
Okay, I’ll wait outside.

Okay, I’ll wait here.
Okay, I’ll be here.

Sit down.

There you go.
Have some coffee.

(Loud noises)

(Doors slap)

I’m afraid we have
some bad news.

What? What is it?

Well, we just can’t come up
with an ending for this sketch.

We can’t keep going on and
on with these lame jokes,

and the whole premise was
pretty flimsy to begin with.

(Laughter)

Well, yeah, but
what about my wife?

Oh, she’s fine. She
had a baby boy.

Oh, honey!

Isn’t he wonderful?

(Laughing happy)

Now, if you take my advice, you
both get in your car

and drive away from this sketch
just as fast as possible.

But, what about, uh
- what about you?

Doctor, what about you?

Oh, I’ll be fine.

I’m in another sketch
over there and it’s much,

much better than this one.

We won’t forget this Doctor.

Oh, I think you will.

(Laughter)

So long!

Goodbye, you poorly
developed characters, you!

(Cheers and applause)

So, Bob, how’s he doing?

Hey, he’s up to the
form of a condom bed.

Huh!

So, anyway, I’m flying back
from the coast

after my Hudson Brothers gig---

Hey, how’d it go?

Oh great, great anyway.

I’m a sit-in coach
and I’m thinking, hey,

why do they call it coach?

Hey, they don’t have
any coaches there?

No way!

Hey! Its false advertising!

Business class has businessmen.

If I’m a coach, I
wanna meet Don" Shula.

Hey!

What happens if a coach
sits in business class?

Does he become a
general manager?

I wanna know!

Hey, it’s Steve!

Hey, Steve!

And so, how’s everybody doing?

Hey!

Great!

Hey! It’s great to be here!

So, Steve, babe
what’s going on?

Well, I just got back from
eating Mexican and thinking,

hey, what’s the deal
with these refried beans?

I mean, hey, why do they
have to fry them twice?

Hey! You don’t eat twice!

Does that mean you
get two checks!

I mean, my compliments
to the chef again.

Excuse me, but with
all these banter,

I’m in a java state
of mind, anybody?

Hey! No thanks!

So, Bob these refried
beans thing---

Hey, you got more?

Yeah!

It’s the chef wearing
bifocals, I wanna know.

Oh, and hey, why are buying
people always

wearing sunglasses?

I mean, hey, do deaf
people wear earmuffs?

Huh?

I don’t know about you,
but I gotta wonder.

Hey guys!

What do you say to God when
he sneezes, just a side fact?

Hey!

(Laughter)

Hey!

And twice baked
potatoes same deal!

Hey, Steve let it go!

So---

(Laughter)

Bob, I hear your
girlfriend moved out.

Oh yeah!

Hey, couldn’t make a commitment!

Hey, that’s too bad!

Sorry to hear it!

Yeah!

Well, I’ll never forget
when she was moving out.

And I was thinking, hey, why
do they call it moving out?

She’s not gonna live out doors.

No way!

She’s gonna go right into
another building and hey,

why do they call it
a build-ing?

You never see
anyone building it.

Hey, they should
call it a built!

Hey!

Hey!

(Laughter)

Why do they call
it half and half?

I mean, hey what if it’s
only half full

does that make it
quarter-quarter?

And hey, the top part isn’t
cream and the bottom half milk,

they should call it crilk.

No, they shouldn’t!

Yes, they should!

No, they shouldn’t.

They should it mim!

Crilk!

Mim!

Crilk!

Mim!

Carilk!

Mim!

Hey!

Guys! Guys!

I mean, hey!

Hey guys, no man is an island!

And, what about that
Gilligan’s Island?

(Both)
Hey!

What do you mean?

Where did the house get all
these baskets of clothes?

(Laughter)

It was a three hour
tour, a three hour tour!

(Laughter)

What are they gonna do?

Change their outfits every 10
minutes, I have got to know!

Hey!

Hey Jeff!

How did it go?

Hey! I’m glad!

I’m saying, I’m really scoring
with Gilligan’s Island bit.

Yes!

Gilligan’s Island bit!

Oh yeah!

The whole three hour tour thing!

Yes indeed!

Hey! That’s Bills’ bit!

Bills’ bit?

Excuse me, I got a set to do!

Hey!

Hey, great minds think alike!

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey!

(Cheers and applause)

Hello!

Hi! Yes!
Hi, can I
help you?

I - I’ve never pawned anything
before, but I have this item,

and it’s - well, it’s
sentimental value that’s---

We pay full sentimental value.

Oh!

Gosh, that’s great!

Okay!

Well, here it is.

It’s - it’s a moon, see?

And those, they’re not
real diamonds, of course,

but my boyfriend gave
me that and you know.

I know, he said he’d give you
the moon and the stars

if he could, right?

Yes, he did!

Did he give you the star
earrings that go with this?

No!

No!

Too bad. It’s worth more
as a set.

No!

Are you still with him?

No! No, it didn’t work out.

Uh, that reduces the
value, of course.

(Laughter)

Let me ask you this,

do you think he really meant
what he said at the time?

Oh! Yes! Absolutely!

Okay!

Without a doubt!

65 bucks.

Sure!
What?

Oh, that’s great!

I didn’t think
I’d get that much!

Hey, if he wrote you
any good letters,

I’d be happy to
take a look at them!

Well, thank you!

Okay!

Uh, Tony, go ahead and
put those on the shelf there.

Thanks!
Okay!

Hi!
Hi, what can I do
for you?

I’d like to pawn this
item, it’s a plastic piano.

(Child piano sound)

Who gave it to you?

My parents!

You see, when I was a boy,
I loved the piano and---

and I always wanted to be
a concert pianist,

and this was just a
symbol of, you know,

how much they believed in me.

Oh!

So this is just a sad reminder
of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

No! I - I made it.

I am a concert pianist.

I play with the city symphony.

Oh! Oh!

So, this would be nice for
you to keep forever then?

Oh, yeah!

Your parents alive or dead?

My father passed
away last summer.

Mother?

She’s still alive.

She’s not well.

(Laughter)

Look, I’ll be honest with you.

This’ll be worth a lot more
when she goes, believe me.

(Laughter)

Gee, I really needed
the money now, but, uh,

I guess you’ve got a point.

Well, you see, you’d
have to take less now,

it’s the only thing.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Okay, well thanks,
I’ll come back!

Okay, I’ll be here!

Thank you!

(Laughter)

Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Well, my friend here wants to
pawn something

but I’d like to buy
a bronze baby shoe.

Oh!Okay, sure!

Take a look through these
and see what you like.

Thank you!

What can I do for you?

Is this worth anything?

Oh! Let me see!

I’d say, early marriage, peace
token bought at an all-night

drugstore after he stormed out
of the house after a quarrel,

right?

You’re so smart!

No, just a properly
trained connoisseur!

Was he your first fight?

Ah!

Was it about something that
seems incredibly silly

and trivial to you now?

No!

It was another woman.

But he gave me a Woofy, and
he promised

he’d never do it again.

He didn’t mend his ways, did he?

No!

We basically have a
marriage out of convenience.

I thought so!

I can usually spot a
fraudulent sentiment.

I’m sorry, this little doggie
isn’t worth the fuzz

that it’s made out of,
I’m sorry!

Well, he was crying
when he gave it to me.

Cheap sentimentality!

He might have been drunk,
I don’t know, I mean.

Oh!

I’ll take this one.

Oh!

Oh, I can give you a deal on
that, this kid was adopted.

Oh, super!

(Laughter)

Do you have any old yearbooks?

Oh, you lose yours?

Yeah! I was ’69.

Any Catholic high
school book will do.

Sure!In the back.

Oh, okay!

And, uh, what about
those fraternity pins?

I need one that’s
engraved "Judy".

Uh, in the back.

Yeah, they’re alphabet -
alphabetized back there.

Oh, okay!

Um, just out of curiosity,

what kinds of items
are worth the most?

Well, the high end of this
market is pretty stable.

Anything from a child, a
handmade items

that took a lot of time
and thought.

Oh!

The other day, I
had a lady come in,

and she dropped off
all her kids’ drawings!

They’re selling like hotcakes!

Wow!

Well, thanks for the appraisal!

Oh, sure thing!

Listen, come back
sometime with an item

that means something to you,
and we’ll do business!

Okay!
Okay!

Find everything you need?

Yeah!

You want to ring
things up for me?

Sure!

Whoa! Whoa!

What is that on your
finger, next to the diamond?

Oh, that’s just a plastic
gumball machine ring.

Ooh!

When Paul and I got married, we
were so poor he gave this to me

as a wedding ring and of course,
later he gave me

the two-karat diamond, but---

Oh, no, no!
This one’s exquisite!

Yeah!

I like to wear it, you
know, we were so young then.

Boy, the piece is
absolutely first-rate.

Absolutely first-rate!

I mean, we’re
talking over a thou!

Yeah!

Listen, promise if you
ever want to pawn it,

you’ll come back here!

Alrighty, I will!

Okay!

I’d love to get
my hands on that!

(Phone ringing)

Excuse me!

Hello, Downtown Pawn!

Pardon?

Oh, your parents wedding album?

And your grandmother’s diary?

Sure, I’ll take them!

Your father’s ashes?

Yeah, yeah!

I can keep the store
open for another hour!

Sure! Great!

(Applause)

(Piano playing)

Hi! Listen!

Just one thing, I was
really joking

about the register to
vote thing.

I’ve been registered for full
six and a half months to vote

so let’s not hear
anything about it.

This was Randy Travis
who’s won a ton of awards!

The cast, all these merry kids!

What a week thank you very much!

See you around!

Good night!

(Music and applause)