All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E09.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

Announcer: The program
normally seen at this time

will begin immediately
following this editorial reply.

*

- All right, welcome.
We’re back.
- Welcome. We’re back.

All right.

( cheers and applause )

Yeah, all right.

- Once again, you know,
I am Hans.
- And I am Franz.

- You know, normally
we would be here to pump you up.
- Pump you up.

No, but not tonight.

- We’re not here
to pump you, not tonight.
- No. No.

Tonight, we’re here to reply
to the ridiculous comments

made last week
by the ill-informed

- named Jimmy
"the Greek" Snyder.
- That’s right, you know.

We don’t have to waste your time
with the details.

It is, you know,
you all heard about it.

This guy goes
on national television,

says that white people
have smaller thighs

- than black people.
- Yeah.

You know, when we heard that,
believe me,

it made our blood boil
over so much

we didn’t even have
to pump our muscles that day.

That’s right.
It was like a complete day off.

I only wish
I could have spent it pummeling

that fat buttock
of that oddsmaker.

- Yeah.
- You know,
and I could do it too

because I’m a big
pumped-up white man.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen to me and believe me now,
Jimmy the Greek.

You know, people are not born
with big thighs.

You know, you’re born a flabby
little lazy baby.

You know,
it takes work to look like this.

( laughter )

And to have thighs like this.

( laughter )

Yeah, that’s right.

Just because you’re too lazy
to pump up your fat loser body,

don’t drag us down
into the gutter

of your poor muscle tone.

You know,
maybe you should be called,

- you know,
Jimmy the Lazy Flabby Baby.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

All right now, okay.

Enough talk, Hans.
We’re not here to talk.

- No, you know,
we’re not here to talk.
- No, yeah. No, no.

- On this occasion,
we are here to talk. Yeah.
- We are here to talk, you know.

- But on a normal night,
we would be here to pump you up.
- Pump you up.

You know, one thing,
you know,

the Greek talks about black
people having bigger thighs,

- I have to laugh.
- Yeah.

You know, that little
Webster guy on television.

He could live
inside one of my thighs.

Yeah, and he still has room

- for that skinny little
Sammy Davis Jr. too.
- That’s right.

And throw in Michael Jackson
or Gary Coleman.

- Yeah.
- I don’t care

’cause all their thighs
look like black toothpicks.

Yeah.

- Think about that, my friend.
- That’s right.

Hear me now
and listen to me later,

but believe me soon
or yesterday.

( applause )

You know,
maybe you don’t understand.

You know,
maybe it’s all Greek to you.

Yeah.

Listen to me tonight
and hear me sometime

and believe me tomorrow and talk
about it some other time,

but, you know,
maybe we should just squeeze you

with our big white thighs, you
know, like a tube of toothpaste

- until you ooze out
all over the sink.
- That’s right.

And believe me now, my friend,

after that,
three out of four dentists

wouldn’t recommend you
for anything.

No, no.

The odds are pretty good
on that, Mr. Greek Man.

That’s right.
Okay, Franz, enough talk.

- We’re not here to talk.
- No.

- We’re here to say
live from New York,
- Live from New York,

Both: it’s Saturday Night.

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guest James Taylor...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Robin Williams.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Robin William..

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

It’s a privilege to be here
in New York City

where its mayor--

Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot
like Elmer Fudd or am I crazy?

( imitates Elmer Fudd’s voice )
Uh, I’m tewing you, uh,
there is no cowuption.

( laughs )

It’s amazing,
it’s been an amazing year.

Gary Hart has thrown his hat
back into the political ring.

Actually, more than that, he’s
thrown everything into the ring.

People look at Gary and say,
"Gary, you’re a sinner."

No, he wasn’t a sinner.

He was on a boat,
the boat was rocking,

he went,
"Hey, what the hell?"

( laughter )

Yes.

( applause )

And for as much as Gary
has sinned,

people in France look at him
and go, "What?

Did he sleep with a chicken? No.

What is the big problem there,
huh?"

If he gets elected then,
you’ll say,

"Now rise for the president
and his first whatever."

He walks out,
there’s the First Lady going,

"All right."
Pecking Raisia Gorbachev.

We also had an amazing fight
last night.

Mike Tyson. Yes, indeed.

( cheers and applause )
Michael.

Mike Tyson is a combination
of Arnold Schwarzenegger

and Michael Jackson.

Yes.

"I’m just gonna hurt him.

His face was in the way,
I was able to hit him."

Yes, he was there.

But the funny thing
about the fight is,

if you notice, in the corner,

all the attendants
are wearing rubber gloves.

Why is that?
"It’s for safe boxing."

People going, like,
"Wait a minute,

I’m not here to make love
with the man,

I’m just gonna fight with him."

Scary thing, you think, "Wait
a minute, what’s going on?"

Is something going on in the
clinch that I don’t know about?

Are they getting together
in the clinch going,

"Why haven’t you called me?"
"Break."

( laughter )

It’s the ’80s.

People are a little afraid.
That’s right.

That’s why everyone’s
wearing rubber gloves.

You go to your dentist,
he comes to the door

dressed in a wet suit going,
"Welcome."

That’s right.

You meet someone special,
you say,

"Gosh, Helen, I care about you,

but can I have some blood and
urine so I can run some tests?"

Right, you’re going,
"What am I gonna do?" Sir?

Sir, do you have a prophylactic
on you right now? Do you?

You have that look like,
"No, but I’ll--

No, I don’t,
I had it Scotchguarded."

That’s okay.

And the one Jewish man is going,
"No, I had it upholstered.

I feel so much safer.

That way
I don’t get any stains."

You know what I’m talking about.

You know what I’m talking about
when I say prophylactic? Yes.

From the Latin word
prophylactorum

meaning strange party favor.

You know what I mean? Yes.

Yes, it is the Bathing Cap
of Love.

Hm. People now go, "Yes.
Carry them around, friends."

Because, you know,
it comes along that time

when you say
you want to meet Miss Right

or, at least, Miss Right Now.

( laughter )

And there you are together
and you say, "Yes. Yes."

And I know you’re going,
"Mm, baby. Yes."

And you’re making love.
And you go, "Hey, yes. Yes."

And you go,
"Wait a minute. Time out.

Let’s put on a balloon."

( laughter )

No, no. You have to put it.

I know most men are going,
"Robin. I’m not putting that on.

No.
It takes the sensitivity out.

It’s like tap dancing
in diving boots."

Okay. It can be done.

And I know some men go,
"Listen to me, man.

I’m not putting something
on my amazing wonder weasel

makes it look like
a Hare Krishna."

( laughter )

Put it on, baby.

Put it on.

You know what I’m talking about.

Look at this here.
Look at that there.

Even he’s carrying
a prophylactic in his safe sex,

you know what I’m saying?

Yes, indeed.

Remember in high school
when you had the prophylactic,

you had them on--
"Okay, ah. Oh.

Oh, too late, it’s over.
I’m sorry."

You have to have some sort
of way of doing it, you know,

because sometimes you feel like
you’ve only got 60 seconds.

It’s like, "Okay, here we go."

You feel like the plate spinner
on the Sullivan show like,

"Okay, honey, stay with me.
Okay, stay.

Oh. Oh. Oh-ho.
Oh, too late. He’s gone."

( cheers and applause)
"I’m melting. Ah.

You were too late. Ah."

But you have choices.
You do.

( cheers and applause )

Put it on.

You can put it on.

They’re there for your safety.
You’ve got choices.

You’ve got your plain
or your clear,

if you wanna have the glass
bottom boat tour, that’s okay.

And if you like barbecue,
they got prophylactic with ribs.

You know what I’m saying.

And if you like--
if you’re in a party mood,

they have the prophylactic
or the fiesta condom

so you can turn your penis
into a piñata.

( laughter )

There you are, beating it.

If you hit--
She has a little stick.

She’s beating you for prizes.

You know what I’m saying.

Yes, indeed.

Because what it comes down to,
friends, is the prophylactic

is the feminist revenge
for the diaphragm.

You know what I’m saying.

Women know what I’m saying.
Women do.

There you are, you’re going,
"Honey, I just can’t keep it on.

I can’t--"
They’re going, "Right, right."

And I know--I know, sometimes,
a few men,

some--maybe like myself,
I have to admit it--

you put it on and it falls off.

Okay.
( laughter )

Maybe you have to use that thing
that they tie off garbage bags

and keep it on there.

It’s okay.
That’s what we’re talking about.

Because why
are you wearing this?

Why are you wearing
this prophylactic?

Is it eventually gonna be
so scary that it’s gonna be,

"Helen,
I’m in the airlock now."

"Harry,
leave the sperm in a dish.

I’ll get it tomorrow."
It’s like that.

There are things out there
that are scary.

You know what I’m talking about.

It used to be herpes.
People going, "Herpes."

Now people are going, like,
"I’ve got herpes simplex."

"I’ve got herpes complex."
"I’ve got herpes duplex."

No,
that doesn’t scare you anymore.

No! These diseases have been
out there for a long time.

If you look at the history
of them,

they’ve been there
for 4,000 years.

If you realize that syphilis
came from sheep 4,000 years ago,

which makes you think
4,000 years ago,

there was some shepherd
that went, "No, no.

The rest of you go to town,
I’ll be okay."

( laughter and applause )

What?

And all the healthy sheep are
going, "I’m out of here, man.

I’m out of here."

And there’s one sheep going,
"Me?" "Yeah." No.

And some people think that AIDS
might have come from a monkey

in central Africa 70 years ago,
which makes you think

that there was some explorer,
70 years ago, went, "No, no.

The rest of you go to town,
I’ll be okay."

The scary thought is
that right now,

somewhere in the Midwest,

there’s some little
farm boy going,

"I’m just gonna go clean
the chicken coop, Daddy."

You’ve got to realize that--

you’ve got to realize
that it’s out there.

It’s scary but, hey.
What are you left with?

If you don’t go out there
and do what you do,

what are you gonna do?

Gonna be at home alone?

You’re gonna be at home alone,

just sitting there
with your X-rated movie.

Yes, I know.

People who do it,
single people are going,

"Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented
Cycle Sluts from Hell.

Okay." But why?

Why do they always have to be
so badly acted? Why?

It’s always somebody going,
"Oh, yes. You know I want it.

I’ve got it for you, baby."

And there’s always some woman
going, "Oh, these are for you.

Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes."

She’s bored. She looks like
she’s just out of it.

Why can’t they have a
classically trained

Shakespearean porno actor,

a combination of Sir Laurence
and Harry Reems?

Then you’ll have a movie.

Then, they’ll come out
and go, "Elizabeth.

I will part you
like the Red Sea.

( cheers and applause )

There we go.

For this, I do cry now,
I shall make you more moist

than Manila
in the monsoon season.

I will drive you thus
and say we have arrived.

and now, for England,
cry anon."

We have a great show.

We got James Taylor.
Stay right around.

( cheers and applause )

She was like the air,
brittle and easily broken.

How could one so perfect
be so flawed?

- Dearest...
- Not now, I’m busy.

She was an incandescent angel,
dancing on the edge

in a ritual that was both
innocent and jejune.

Yes, she was.

Her translucent figure,

glowing in the light and fire
of her overwhelming passion.

Save me.

Why?

I wonder which
was the greater transgression,

loving her or abiding
her immaculate madness.

A little club soda
will get that out.

- Liar.
- She was consumed, obsessed,

never able to enjoy
her own party.

I alone felt her torment,

her deepest secrets known
only to me.

If keeping a clean house is
a crime, then let me be guilty.

Guilty.

Poor frightened creature.

What was it
we could not give her,

or she understand?

Somewhere between cleanliness
and godliness lies Compulsion,

the world’s most indulgent
disinfectant from Calvin Kleen.

Announcer:
Ah, the price of it.

You know, we have been
breastfeeding for a while now.

Wow, that must be difficult
with the twins, huh?

Yeah, it’s very demanding,

but they say
it’s really good for them, so--

Actually, it’s not really
that much of a problem.

The only problem
is we don’t get much of a break.

I mean, with Matthew,
we could alternate breast,

but now that we’ve had Zoe
and Chloe,

we have to do kind of
a lechelazy Susan thing.

Uh, well,
to tell you the truth,

I’m pretty scared
about this whole labor thing.

Oh, don’t believe all those
horror stories, come on.

I mean, the main thing
is it’s not really so painful.

It’s just time consuming.
Isn’t it, honey?

- Well, it’s really--
- I mean,

I mean,
how long was our last labor?

Forty three and a half hours
was the last one--

And the funny part is,
at the end,

- we ended up having to have
a Caesarean anyway...
- Oh!

and me without croutons.

- ( laughs )
- I kid you.

Oh, you’re gonna tape it,
aren’t you?

- What? The birth?
- Oh, yeah!

You’ve got to tape it really.

No. I mean, it’s so intimate.
I don’t think so.

Oh, I mean, it’s life,
it’s creation!

It’s video. It’s incredible!

Honey, every time I watch it,
honey, I really--

I cry about Matt.

Let’s show Matthew’s birth tape.

- Oh, no.
- No, let’s do it.
Let’s show them.

- Come on.
- No, they don’t want to see it.

They got to see it, really,
honey. They’ve got to.

I’d love to see.

Of course, they would.
I’ll show you.

See, honey, you’re wrong.
( chuckles )

- Have a seat. Come on.
- Here we go. Oh, right there.

And play.

Fetus, don’t fail me now.

( laughter )

Hal:
The Birth of Matthew Greene.

- Produced by Hal
and Cheryl Greene.
- Oh, that’s cute.

That’s my idea there.

Here I am in the taxi
on the way to the hospital.

It’s 8:38 a.m.,
February 8, 1983.

The contractions
are 10 minutes apart.

Our driver is John C. Edwards.

Honey, get a shot of John.
He’s part of this too.

John, come on back here.
A little wave could be great.

( chuckles )
Oh, we can’t pay you much.

Now where is Cheryl
through this?

- I was holding the camera.
- Oh.

It’s 9:18 a.m.

We’ve just been admitted
to the hospital.

I’m feeling fine.

How’s the focus, hon?

Cheryl: Fine! The focus is fine!

- Oh, try to zoom.
How do I look?
- ( groaning )

- Fine!
- ( chuckles )

Wow, how’d you get
that great shot?

I paid the orderly
to wheel her backwards. It’s--

Honey, do I look like a doctor
or what?

- Turn your head to the side
and cough.
- ( groaning )

- ( chuckles )
Come on, breathe, dear.
- ( screaming )

Keep on breathing. Breathe!

Hype that fetus up,
I’m gonna hyperventilate.

Hey, hold on, honey.

Hold on to the camera, baby.
You’re losing a little bit.

Come on, hold on to--Wait.
Come on here. Wait a minute.

Maybe I should put it
on auto-focus

so you won’t have so much
to think about.

There you are. Wait. Wait.

No, no!
Honey, honey, there you go.

There you are. There you go.

Come on, hold on just there.

There you go. Keep the frame.

Ooh, you’re good.

Remember Dr. Slackman?

- Hi!
- Hi, Doctor.

I’m just gonna see
how dilated you are, Cheryl.

At your cervix.

- Hey, doc, no echo jokes, okay?
- ( laughs )

- Honey, you look like this
with a beard. ( laughs )
- ( groaning )

Whoa!

Honey, we’ve given you a little
something for the pain, okay?

( imitates hallucinating sound )
Has the medication taken?

That will look great at home,
won’t it?

Honey, honey,
I could see the head.

I can see it.

What’s 666 mean?
( grunting )

( laughter )

Hey, let’s fast forward
to about 20 hours of labor

and get to the really fun part
right now.

Here you go.

Let’s see.
Right there we go.

This part’s great.
You’ll love it.

* Push him out
Push him out way out *

( groaning Cheryl )

I can’t hold on to this camera!

Come on, honey,
just a little longer.

You can do it. You can do it!

- You can hold that camera!
- ( screaming in pain )

Keep me in frame!

Keep me in frame!

Honey, Oh!

Honey, honey, honey,
come on, back up, babe!

Come on, back up!
Come on, back up!

Panning shot, that’s it!

Go wide. Go wide.
Yay. Thank you.
( baby crying )

Can we have the placenta
in a bag for the dog?

( sighs )

Well--

Well, honey,
that makes me cry every time.

- Yeah, I know.
- Oh, boy, I loved it.

Why don’t we tape ours, honey?

- Oh.
- What’s--Sweetie? Dianne?

- This is it. This is it! Yes!
- Really? Oh, my--

- Okay, you go right
to the hospital and I’ll go--
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You’ve got
to use our camera then.

Here you go.

- Honey, you want to do the run?
- How does this work?

Can you get me?
Can you get me in focus?

This is the zoom
and this is the auto-focus.

( cheers and applause )

*

Announcer: The people and
problems you’re about to see

are real and unscripted.

Denise Venetti, PhD, will help
them with their problems.

Rita Flyer
has never felt attractive.

Neil Simmons has disturbing
visions that he’s falling.

Len and Anne Sather have been
happily married for four years.

Len thinks it’s time
to start a family,

but Anne isn’t ready
to be tied down.

Let’s watch now
as Denise Venetti, PhD,

helps Rita, Neil,
and the Sathers learn to feel.

Hello, Rita.

Welcome to Learning to Feel.

( tongue clicks )
Now Rita,

you have never felt attractive.

No, I never have.

I mean,
I’m definitely not pretty, but--

And who has told you this?

Nobody.

I mean, no one has to.

I just--I always feel fat

and weird, and just ugly,

just really ugly.

Have you looked
at yourself lately?

Have I what?

Looked at yourself.

How can anyone look at you if
you haven’t looked at yourself?

I can’t look at you.
I can’t see you.

You don’t see yourself.

You must look at yourself.

( laughter )

Take a long look at yourself.

( chuckles )
Maybe you’re right.

Maybe I’m not ugly.

Go look.

( chuckles )
Thank you.

( applause )

Neil--oops!

( clears throat )
We meet again.

Hello, Neil.
Welcome to Learning to Feel.

Tell me about your visions,
Neil.

Denise,
I always feel like I’m falling.

Sometimes at night,
when I dream like I’m falling,

it’s so intense
that the whole next day

I just feel like I’m falling.

Whenever I’m awake all night,
days long,

I just feel like I’m falling.

Neil...

Hm?

have you looked at yourself?

( laughter )

I what?

Look at yourself.
Look at yourself right now.

Go on, look at yourself.
What do you see?

Are you falling?

What do you see, Neil?

Look, are you falling?

Why, no.

Neil, you forgot
to look at yourself.

You must look at yourself.

Take a look a long look
at yourself.

- Thank you.
- You’re welcome. Oop!

Go look now.
( cheers and applause )

- Who’s next?
- I’m Len.

- Len and Anne Sather...
- Anne.

welcome to Learning to Feel.

Now Len, you want a family,

and Anne, you’re not so sure.

Len?

Well, we’ve been married
for four years now

and I think we’re ready
for a family.

We’re settled.
We have a beautiful house.

Money is certainly
not the problem,

but Anne wants to wait.

How do you respond, Anne?

Well, I just feel

that we haven’t done enough
alone together.

I mean,
we haven’t gone to Europe.

We were gonna go camping.

Our best friends moved
to Colorado.

We have never been to see them.

We were gonna take
a bicycle tour through Ireland.

We just have not done
any of that alone.

You know what you haven’t done.

( laughter )

Look at yourselves.

You haven’t looked
at yourselves, have you?

Anne, look at Len.
Len, look away.

Anne’s going to look at you.

Look away. Don’t look at me.
Look away.

Anne, look at Len.

Now Anne, look away.
Len, look at Anne.

Look away, Anne.
Don’t look at me, look away.

And Len, look at Anne.
Now look at each other.

Now look away.

Look up. Look down.
Look at me.

Look at yourself.

You have to look at yourselves.

You have not taken the time
to look at yourself.

- ( sighs )
Thank you, Denise.
- Mm-hmm. Yes.

I just--I don’t think we’ve seen
each other so clearly.

- You haven’t looked.
- I know.

- Thank you.
- Go now. Go look.

- Go on, go look.
- Thank you.

( applause )

*

This has beenLearning to Feel
with Denise Venetti, PhD.

*

Don Pardo:
And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

So what if their thighs
are bigger than ours and--

It’s that other thing
that eats at me.

( laughter )

Arizona Governor Evan Mecham
this week declared

Jimmy the Greek’s birthday to be
an official state holiday

at Arizona.

Presidential candidate
Bruce Babbitt today admitted

that the Spanish he speaks
is actually a made-up language

that only he
and his twin brother understand.

( laughter )

In an attempt to solving
the school upper-class image,

Republican presidential hopeful
Pierre DuPont

this week broke
into a gas station

and shot and wounded
the attendant on duty.

No change yet in his standing
in the polls.

Senator Albert Gore, Jr.
used post-hypnotic suggestion

this week to campaign
for the presidency in 1996.

Candidate Gary Hart’s vow
to run a no-frills campaign

is evidently for real.

The former Colorado senator will
be flying commercial flights

instead of charters,

staying in single rooms
instead of suites,

and using regulars
instead of lambskins.

( laughter )

( chuckles )

Okay, trivia quiz.

Which one is wimpy?

( cheers and applause )

The Iowa caucus
is only two weeks away

and Weekend Updatehas sent

Campaign 88 correspondent
Al Franken

out to Des Moines, Iowa alone

without a crew
to cover the event.

Al has a live interview
from Des Moines,

so let’s go to him right now.

Dennis, advances in satellite
telecommunications technology

has revolutionized coverage of
the American political process.

Any TV station worth its salt
can send a reporter

into the field here
from, say, Iowa,

and come to you live just as
I’m doing right now, Dennis.

Well, Al,
you’re coming in loud and clear.

Well, you too, Dennis.

As you could see,
I have mounted on my head

a 1.3 meter parabolic antenna

transmitting and receiving
to a transponder

on a SatCom satellite
in geosynchronous orbit

about 23,000 miles
above Easter Island.

I’m gonna pan down now
with my Sony camera here,

uh, get a look
at my steady cam harness,

and I’m gonna pan again.

Ah, there over there
to my ATV vehicle

and this rig, this whole thing,
makes me, I believe,

the first one-man
totally self-contained

mobile uplink-downlink unit
in electronic news gathering.

- Is that stuff heavy, Al?
- Uh, yes.

As a matter of fact, Dennis,

I’m only good
for about two or three minutes

and then the pain
in my lower back and neck

become just unbearable.

- But it’s worth it?
- Absolutely.

- Well, then let’s get
right to your interview, Al.
- Very good idea.

As you know, I only bought about
five minutes of transponder time

so my window is about to close.

That sketch before update ran
a little longer than we thought.

So let’s start the interview
right now.

I have here Peggy Strobel,

a cocktail waitress at the
Hotel Savory here in Des Moines,

and she has
a startling revelation

about Sen. Gary Hart.

Peggy.

Sen. Gary Hart--

Lots of women--

to drink--

Oh, I guess we have lost Al.

And then Peggy slapped him.

I think this is a great scoop
here for us and we--

- Al. Al, we lost you
for a few moments there...
- Oh.

- when you were talking
to Peggy.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I must have lost my link
with the transponder

when I turn--when I turn
my head to talk to Peggy.

So I guess, basically,
what Sen. Hart did was he--

( test tone beeps )

( laughter )

Well, there you have it.
Don’t worry.

Al Franken will be back
from New Hampshire

and will continue to bring us
the most up-to-the-date coverage

of Campaign ’88.

According to a senior official
in the White House,

a highly placed source has
confirmed classified information

based on an alleged
eavesdropping,

which was learned
to an anonymous connection

in an unidentifiable
government-related department.

More on this developing story
as it comes in.

( laughs )

Oh! Tonight--
( chuckles )

That was mine.
I blew that one.

Tonight--
( cheers and applause )

Thank you. All right

Well, thank you for validating
my inadequacy, you know.

Tonight, Weekend Update
begins a new weekly segment

called "Nah, Forget It."

( chuckles )

Researchers
at the Kinsey Institute

in Upstate New York this week

announced the emergence
of a new gender classification,

the quomosexual.

This is a gay person
who absolutely refuses

to get involved.

A big surprise

at the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame Awards this week

when Josie and the Pussycats
were inducted

into the Hall of Fame
and the Archies were not.

A spokesman
for the Archie said,

"Archie and Reggie
are pretty bummed out about it,

but Jughead and Moose
could care less.

They’re complete vegetables."

Prompted by the phenomenal sales
of its first disposable camera,

Eastman Kodak will introduce
another throwaway model

to compete
with Fuji’s QuickSnap.

The success of these
disposable consumer goods

has cost the Ford Motor Company

to reintroduce
the Pinto Hatchback.

( laughter )

Cosmopolitan Magazine
is under fire this week

for printing
a controversy article

which claims that AIDS
cannot be transmitted

by normal heterosexual sex.

Now what is normal
heterosexual sex again?

Oh, right, right, right.

Sorry, I blanked on it
for a second.

You know,
the 1,000th interview

with author Garrison Keillor
has come out.

This one appearing
in The New York Times,

and in it, Kiellor once again
points out how shy he is.

The story--
The story of Elizabeth Taylor’s

amazing transformation
from obesity to fitness

was featured in this week’s
Peoplemagazine.

Taylor, seen here at the height
of her problem in 1979,

was hardly recognizable
to family and friends.

Tired of being on the receiving
end of hundreds of fat jokes,

she began a strict diet
and exercise plan

that was responsible for her
slimming down to 700 pounds

after three years,

and then to 265 pound
at a sportscasting job.

Nice going, Liz.
Hey, guess what, folks?

That’s the news
and I am out of here.

*

*

Hello. I’m Peter Graves.

Welcome
to the World of Discover.

The spirit world.

Is there another dimension
beyond the material plane?

Here to help us
answer this question

is Ralph Kevins,
a trance channeler.

- Hello, Ralph.
- Hello, Peter.

Ralph,
what is trance channeling?

Well, Peter,
trance channeling is a process

whereby an entity
passes through one’s body

and uses it as a vehicle

for communicating wisdom
from beyond.

All right,
so during trance channeling,

something passes through us
in a strange and mysterious way

like, say, Mexican food?

( laughter )

Well, in a way.

You see, a spirit is an entity

that is someone who is there
but is not there.

Like a welfare father.

Well, perhaps.

Perhaps I could best explain it
to you

by going through the process,
sort of a demonstration.

All right, let’s take a look.

If you’ll give me a moment,
Peter,

I will attempt
to channel Lambda,

a 50,000-year-old
spirit entity.

And through him, you can contact
many of the personalities

who’ve gone beyond.

Well, we’ll be very quiet now

as Ralph enters
his delicate trance state.

- A trance, of course,
is a kind of--
- Peter!

( laughter )

I can’t do the trance
while you’re explaining it.

All right.

I need total silence,
much like the Willindas.

Good.

Thank you, Peter.

( breathing heavily )

( chanting )

Hello. My name is Lambda.

I am now entering
the material plane.

( laughter )

Hello, Lambda.
I am Peter Graves.

Welcome
to the World of Discover.

Perhaps I could help you
make contact with someone else

in the spirit world.

Oh, wonderful.

Perhaps--would you like
to contact anyone there?

Who would you wish to contact,
possibly?

Could we speak to Abe Lincoln?

I will attempt
to contact Abraham Lincoln.

( chanting )

Hello, and how are you doing
this evening?

- Are you Abe Lincoln?
- No.

I’m Abe Linkman from Pittsburgh.

( laughter )

Lincoln is having that thing
removed from his face.

You can’t go
through all eternity

with a little smooch up here.

Well, uh, tell us,
Mr. Linkman,

what’s it like
in the spirit world?

Well, it’s much, much nicer
than Miami

and there are a lot less bugs,

and you get
better room service there.

Well, what kind of things
do you do to pass the time?

Well, basically, what I did
today--you’d like to know

what a day is like
in the infinite realm?

Well, today, I started off
with having lunch

with the Churchills.

That was fun because, you know,
he’s a schmoozer.

- He really is.
- ( chuckles )

And then that evening--

there’s no real evening
but yet time is infinite.

I’m losing you, I know.

But that evening, I had
a barbecue with the Gandhis.

But before you know it,
all of a sudden Elvis came over

and ate everything.

What a fluffer he is.

After that, he tried
to eat Gandhi, you know.

He saw ribs and he went
into a frenzy, you know.

And I’m yelling. I said,
"Elvis, Elvis, put him down!

That’s the guy
that saved India."

And all of a sudden--
you know, he’s a nice boy.

We have to kid the living.
That’s the way it is.

Anyway, I got to go
because tonight,

Gershon is playing
with Liberachi.

Not like that! No, no!

You don’t do that
in the spirit plane.

That’s the way it is.
I’ve got to go.

I have a craving.
I’ve got to leave you.

You know, when I died,
who knew that when you go

down that long tunnel,
it would be like the carwash

without the thing
that scares the water off.

I’ve got to go.
Don’t be a stranger.

Call me anytime you--hold it.
I’ve got another call.

I have to put you
on call waiting right now.

I’ll be back, see you.

Get hold of me through
that Ramblack guy.

( grunting )

( gasps )

Mr. Kevins, is that you?

Yes, it is.
I’m a little disoriented.

Well, do you remember
anything that you said?

No, I don’t.

I just have this incredible
craving for potato latkes

and I don’t even know
what those are.

Well, thank you, Ralph Kevins.

Tune in next week
for another episode of Discover.

( cheers and applause )

*