All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E08.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

- How does that look, Peter?
- A little higher, Matthew.

A little higher.

There, there.

Boy, I can’t wait to see
his face when he walks in.

Yeah. When is he arriving?

Well, John took him
to a leopard cave on the pretext

that some whores
were being stoned by,

I don’t know, some Pharisees
or something like that.

- Yeah, right.
- ( laughs )

Yeah, so anyway,
John is trying to time it

- so they’re back here
by sunset.
- Great.

Jesus is not going to like this,
you know?

He hates being the center
of the attention.

Boy, is he
in the wrong business?

I mean, this kind
of attention, Thomas.

Well, the big three-O.

You think it’s gonna faze Jesus?

No, not him. You kidding?
He’s in great shape.

Well, that’s ’cause he walks
all the time, you know.

Oh, but I mean, he could eat
anything and it doesn’t show.

Somehow, it burns it up.

By walking, the guy is a walker.

That’s why I got him
a sandal repair kit.

Hey, Judas.
What’d you get him?

I got him a piece of silver.

I figure he can get
whatever he wants, you know.

You know, it’s got to be tough
deciding what to get for him.

- His birthday
is so close to Hanukkah.
- Yeah.

( laughter )

Hey, what did you get him,
Simon?

I wrote a birthday song for him

and I thought we all could
learn it and sing it to him.

- It’s a--
- Oh, great, great as long
as it sings his praises.

It does.

* Oh, happy birthday *

All: * Happy, happy birthday *

* Oh, happy birthday-- *

Oh, look it’s Mary Magdalene
with the cake!

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Wow!
- Look at this, huh?

- Look at that think.
- Yeah!

How could you afford
such a cake, Mary Magdalene?

Well, the baker gave it to me,
of course.

Oh, really?
The baker just gave it to you?

- Yes!
- Yeah, he gave you the cake?

All right, all right, all right,
you wanted a cake,

I brought a cake,
so stone me.

Hey. Come on,
this is Jesus’ birthday.

How about some wine everybody?

Yeah.

- It sounds good.
- Hey, where is the wine?

That’s not wine.

- Judas, you’re supposed
to bring the wine.
- Yeah.

Well, I just filled up the jugs
with water.

- I figured, you know,
he could--
- Oh!

I don’t believe that!
I don’t believe it!

He shouldn’t even have to think
about things like that

- on this day.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You want me to get the wine?

I could, you know.
Think about it.

Hey, hey, here comes John!

- Oh.
- Okay. Hide everybody.

- Hide, hide like the wind.
- ( shushes )

Okay.
( indistinct murmuring )

- John, where is Jesus?
- He’s not coming.

- What?
- Not coming?

Why not?

Somebody told him.

Oh, who told him?

- Judas!
- Judas!

- Judas.
- I knew it.

I didn’t know it was supposed
to be a surprise, honest.

I didn’t know.
Hey, come on, you guys.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
Leave him alone.

Live from New York.
It’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon,

Musical guest, Linda Ronstadt
with the Mariachi Vargas...

and featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring, Paul Simon.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul Simon.

( cheers and applause )

This is--

Oh, thank you.

You know,
this is very embarrassing

and I was sure
that they meant me.

( laughter )

I just assumed they wanted me,
Paul Simon, the Senator!

Well, it’s a comedy show
and it’s a music show,

so it’s got to be me.

I mean who else?

I guess--I just wish somebody
had told me earlier.

I’ve been rehearsing
since Thursday here.

( laughter )

It gets very hectic here, and
you can get lost in the shuffle.

I understand,
like New Hampshire.

Well,
it’s just one of those things

that could happen
to anybody named Paul Simon.

You wouldn’t believe how many
times this has happened to me.

( laughter )
And to me,

I remember one time
I showed up with my guitar

at a Democratic Women’s luncheon
in Audubon, Iowa.

And how about that benefit
at Madison Square Garden?

( cheers and applause )

I’m up on the stage trying to
debate with Bruce Springsteen.

I know, and you know,
actually, I thought

that you were very clearly
a winner on that debate.

Oh, I thank you, Paul.
I thank you.

But look--I mean, look, as long
as you’re here, why don’t you,

as they say, you know,
kick back and relax,

and just enjoy the show?

Well, I’d love to.

I got to get up early tomorrow,

you know,
to run for president.

( laughter )

I understand.

I just feel so bad that you’ve
come all this way and--

Well, I do, too, frankly.

I was supposed to be
in Sioux Falls,

- South Dakota tonight,
at a fundraising dinner.
- Oh, my gosh.

My gosh--you know,
this is a live show.

And something
could happen to me,

and then they would--
you could be right there.

You’ll be like the other
Paul Simon and right there.

( laughter )

- Sort of A Heartbeat Away?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, it certainly sounds it.
- Yeah. Yeah.

We’ve got a great show tonight,

with my good friend
Linda Ronstadt, so stick around.

( cheers and applause )

Announcer: Not all trapdoors
are created equally.

Jerry, I was just looking over
your financial report,

and there are
some very strange entries.

- I thought they might...
- Some trapdoors
don’t respond fast enough.

For instance,
what is this Bahamas thing?

( laughter )
How about this weekend?

Others don’t spring
open cleanly.

Jerry,
I know about you and my wife.

Hey, what’s going on?

What do you--Hey! Hey!

( screams )

Some aren’t even structurally
sound to begin with.

Mr. Crudders, I have this--

And some
are totally unpredictable.

Excellent price on these items.

Whoa!

But with Wilson Trapdoors,

you get perfect droppage
time after time.

Thanks to a patented
dual firing mechanism.

- Fantastic,
and it’s guaranteed?
- Absolutely guaranteed.

Mr. Crudders, I’d like
to ask you to come downtown

and answer a few questions.

( screams )

Wilson Trapdoors,

because with Wilson,
it’s out of sight.

( cheers and applause )

*

Announcer:
Good evening and welcome again

toPumping Up
with Hans & Franz,

the informative
training program

for the serious weightlifter.

( indistinct chatter )

- All right, welcome.
We’re back.
- We’re back.

Once again, I am Hans.

Thank you.

- And I am Franz
and we want to pump you up.
- To pump you up.

- All right.
- Okay, now this is our special
Christmas show, you know.

So we’re gonna loosen up
and have a little fun.

That’s right, huh, Franzy.

All right, enough fun, you know.

We don’t wanna have too much fun

’cause, you know,
pumping the muscle

is not all fun and games.

No, it’s not.
That’s right, Hans.

And believe me, you know,

if you do not want
to let the fun go,

then maybe you need
to be disciplined.

Yeah, you know,
we can easy ride you like a sled

- through the night
if that’s what it takes.
- Yeah.

Hear me now
and believe me later.

It will be a silent
and a holy night of terror

- for you lazy pigs.
- That’s right.

Okay, Franz, enough talk,
back to the program.

- We just want to pump you up.
- Pump you up.

- All right, okay.
- Okay, right now
in the program,

we’d like to show you some basic
exercises to correct injuries.

Yeah, you know,
a lot of people slip on the ice

and hurt their backs,

maybe break a couple of legs,
you know.

They use it as an excuse
not to workout, you know.

We say, "Don’t be a baby."

Yeah, yeah, you know,
if you’re gonna be a baby,

you might as well live
in a crib and spit up

and poop in your diapers,

you know,
because that’s what babies do.

That’s right. All right.

Now here’s a typical
injured person

we want to show you now.

Okay, injured person, tell
the people your name, person.

Scott Razbiki,
Providence, Rhode Island.

Yeah, okay, Scott,
what are your injuries?

Well, my car skid in on the ice
and I broke--

almost broke the second
and third vertebrae

and my neck came this close
to actually severing them.

So if it’d come any further--

All right, all right,
we’ve got the picture.

Okay, first thing
you should do--

We got that now.

First thing you should do
is just try

to walk it off right now,
just walk it off.

Yeah, walk it off.

First, let’s get rid
of the crutches.

- Yeah, get rid of the crutches.
- No, you don’t need that.

You know, they look like
the side of a baby crib

but it’s not a coincidence,

- believe me.
- No.

Okay, now we must first go
for the stretch so, you know,

- you don’t reinjure yourself,
you know.
- That’s right.

Franz will demonstrate
the back-to-back method

we developed at Heidelberg.

- No, Dusseldorf.
- You know, whatever.

- You know,
we’re not geographers up here.
- That’s right.

- We just want to pump you up.
- You up.

Okay, now here we go Scotty with
a basic back-to-back stretch.

- It’s very easy.
- ( groaning )

That’s good. Okay.

- For those of you watching
in the hospitals...
- My neck.

- you know, get off your fat
lazy butts and take some notes.
- My neck.

- Yeah. Yeah.
How does it feel, Scotty?
- It’s very painful.

Yeah. That’s good.
No pain, no gain.

- ( groaning )
- That’s right.

My doctor said not to,
in any way...

- Yeah, yeah.
- bounce around or move my neck.

- Your doctor.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, your doctor.

Okay, listen,
Mr. Baby Doctor,

maybe we should make a little
house call for you.

Yeah, yeah.
Let me tell you.

- Here’s my prescription
for you, Mr. Doctor.
- Yeah, that’s right.

Take two of these
every five minutes.

Yeah, believe me now
and face up to it later.

You’re jealous ’cause
you’ll never look like this.

( laughter )

- Atta boy, Scotty, walk it off.
- That’s how it works, Scotty.
Walk it off.

- That’s good, Scotty.
- Yeah.

All right,
at this time of the program,

- we like to bring out Helmet,
a typical person.
- Yeah.

You know, we’ve been charting
the progress for Helmet

for about three weeks.

Say hello, Helmet.

Hello, I’m Helmet.

All right, turn around, Helmet,

so we can show to people
the progress in the body muscle.

Yeah, now look,
three weeks ago, his buttocks

was like two Jell-O molds,
you know.

Now like today it’s like
a little bundt cake.

That’s right, you know.

Yeah, you know, you could
put some icing on it.

You’d have a nice dessert
for four, believe me.

Yeah, all right.
Now turn around, Helmet.

- We’ll check the progress
of your pectorals, you see?
- That’s right.

You know, last time we could
have sat on a stool

and milk him like a cow,
but we held back.

Yeah, and now today,
we see that his pectorals

- are developing nicely,
except just on one side.
- That’s right, Helmet.

You must work the muscle evenly,
you know.

Now you’re like
half man, half cow.

Yeah.
( laughter )

We don’t know whether
to milk you or to pummel you.

That’s right.

You know, if you look anything
like Helmet at home, you know,

obviously, you need
more than pummeling, you know.

Maybe we should tie your flabby
pectoral muscles together

like a Christmas bow

and put you under the tree
as a gift, you know.

Believe me now, my friend,
no one would open you.

Yeah, yeah.

No one would and they will not
even return you.

- That’s right.
- Listen to me now
or listen to me later,

but believe this, you know,
we have a good mind

to take a string
of Christmas lights

and just run them
through your legs

like a piece of dental floss,
you know.

Yeah, then see how big a cause
it is to walk.

- Okay, Hans, okay.
I’ll see that our time is up.
- Yeah, that’s too bad.

It was a fun Christmas show
for us.

You know, once again,
I am Hans.

- And I am Franz and we’ll be
back next week to pump you up.
- To pump you up.

( cheers and applause )

Announcer: This has been
Pumping Up with Hans & Franz.

*

Announcer: And now, we bring you
another page from the diary

of the world’s greatest actor,
Master Thespian.

( applause )

Dear Diary,

I had just returned
from a triumphant tour

of Macbeth, and no soon
I walked in the door

when the phone began ringing
madly off the hook.

Who should it be

but the great impresario
of the theater, R.H. Macy,

begging me to play the most
challenging role he had to offer

that of the great St. Nicholas.

Having no time to prepare
for the role,

I look upon it as the greatest
challenge of my career

and so until tomorrow.

( toilet flushes )

Master Thespian!

How dare you invade
my dressing room?

Get out, get out!

Well, are we ready,
Mr. Thespian?

Please, call me Master.

Oh, aren’t we picky?

Come, let’s go.
The children are waiting.

Well,
couldn’t they come in here?

The acoustics are superb!

What’s the matter, Thespian?

- Having a sudden fit
of stage fright?
- Don’t be silly.

I’m capable of playing any role
even with half the finger.

Oh, how did that happen?

It didn’t, acting!

Oh!

( applause )

Is it real?

Oh, yes. Pull it.

( farts )

( laughter )

( grunts )
How did you do that?

- Acting!
- Brilliant!

- Thank you.
Now let’s hurry, please.
- Why?

- Trust me.
- No.

*

We’ve been here
since 9:00 this morning.

I think I’m more excited
than David is.

- Me too.
- All right, children,

the moment you’ve been waiting
for has finally arrived.

Hope you’ve all been good.

Well, I like you too.

And now, Macy’s is proud
to present Santa Claus.

( children cheers )

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh.

- Hi, Santa Claus.
- Hello.

Line!

What’s your name, little boy?

Uh, yes, very well.
What is your name, little boy?

- David.
- Line.

There aren’t any lines,
you fool.

You’re Santa Claus.
You have to improvise.

Oh, improvisation, very well.

Uh, what brings you here, child?

Santa, can I have a bicycle
for Christmas.

A bicycle?

Well, why are you asking me?
I don’t even know you.

- Did you buy me anything?
- No.

Well, then. How old are you?

- 5.
- 5.

Well,
you are incredibly immature.

When I was five, I’d already
played my first Hamlet,

my second Othello,
and mastered the cello to boot.

Now get off my lap!

You are a horrible man.

All he wanted was a bicycle.

How dare you teach this child
to beg.

Have you no shame?
Ho, ho, ho!

( applause )

Oh, improvisio,no!

To show freedom
invigorates my very soul.

Now you listen to me.

Don’t you know
who Santa Claus is?

He likes children and he gives
them whatever they want!

- He likes children?
- Yes!

Oh, now you tell me.

And you call yourself
a director.

- I never said I was.
- Even if you don’t? Next!

Hi, Santa Claus.

Hello, my child.

My, my, you have the face
of an angel.

You’re so beautiful.
What is your name?

- Gina.
- Gina.

And what would you like
for Christmas, my dear?

I want a Julie doll.

A Julie doll.

Well, you can have as many
as you like.

Might I direct you to aisle D,
the third shelf on the left

and take as many as you want,

compliments of Macy’s
and Santa Claus,

the bearded wonder
of the North Pole.

That’s it!

You’re fired, get out of here!

Firing Santa Claus?

Cutting Kris Kringle!

Ho, ho,

ho.

My heart just failed.

Farewell, Donner and Blitzen.

Farewell.

Well, beauty is multitudes
of youth who stand before me.

The jolly fat man lives no more.

And why, why?

Because he killed me,
the manager!

Hold the manager!

The man--

( groaning )

Okay.
( applause )

Okay, you get up.

Get out of here, get out!

You killed Santa Claus.

- Save him!
- Yeah, save him!

( indistinct shouting )

Oh, all right!
I’ll save him.

No need to.
I was really acting!

( children cheers )

Would you care
for some Shakespeare?

( children cheers )

O, what a rogue
and peasant slave am I!

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

( applause )

*

Announcer:
And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Gary Hart’s announcement
that he’s reentering

the presidential race sparked
these related developments:

Entrepreneur John DeLorean said

he’d like to manage
General Motors

and Austrian President
Kurt Waldheim said

he hopes to once again
head up the United Nations.

Well, I’m not sure
what the ramifications are

of Hart’s reentry
into the race

and of what they are
for the country.

I have locked my fiancée
in a room

and she’s not getting out
till the elections over.

( laughter )

Why is it that whenever I do
a Gary Hart’s story,

I get the urge to preface it
with "This just in"?

( laughter )

( laughs )

That’s why.

Oh, and Gary Hart
announced today

was reentering
the presidential race this week.

He said, "I have no money
and no campaign staff.

I’m going to let the people
decide."

On the heels
of that announcement,

Sen. Joe Biden
made the stunning revelation

that he, too, will be
getting back in the race.

Biden said, "I have no money
and no campaign staff.

I’m going to let
the people decide."

( applause )

When Gary Hart reentered
the race this week,

he said it was up to the people
to decide on his candidacy.

Well, we got hold of the people
and they’re here right now.

People, what do you think?

People: He’s crazy!

Well, thank you, people.

But we want you, Dennis.

Well, thanks again.

There you have it,
the people have spoken.

( applause )

The Washington Posthas learned

that high-ranking officials
at the North Pole

have been selling
surplus G.I. Joe action figures

and accessories
to children in Iran

and then diverting the profits
from the sale

to send Rambo dolls
to children in Nicaragua.

In an official statement,

Santa Claus said
he couldn’t remember

if he had okayed the deal
or not.

After reading
a New York Timesarticle

about Mafia members’ preference
for tough nicknames,"

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev
insisted this week

that he henceforth
be called Big Mike.

( laughter )

Big week of changes
for financial wizard Ivan Boesky

who went from Wall Street
to Wall World,

where he’ll no longer be
Ivan the Terrible

but Ivan the Vulnerable.

And now I’m sure
this sounds a little depressing

around the holidays,
but it’s tough to feel sorry

for a man who got ordered out
of the stock market

in late September.

You know,
you may not want to look

at this next piece of footage.

It’s definitely of a shocking
and disturbing nature,

but it was made available to us

and we feel it’s
our responsibility to show it.

Roll the tape, please.

Oh, yeah.

Now this is a song that might

You’re very rude.

I was talking to him and yet--
here!

I’ll have to ask you not to be
so impertinent.

Now--here--well--

Well, if you want
to fool around,

try and follow me!

( indistinct shouting )

I got everybody crazy!

( laughter )

( applause )

You know, we probably
shouldn’t have shown that.

I apologize.

An internal White House memo
uncovered this week

shows that
Vice President George Bush

had supported President Reagan’s
decision to sell arms to Iran.

When pressed for comment,
Bush replied, "In my family,

loyalty was never considered
a character flaw."

Obviously, neither was
selling guns to the terrorists.

Former White House staffer

and presidential adviser
Michael Deaver this week

was found guilty
of three counts of perjury.

When the judge told him he was
guilty of the three counts,

Deaver said, "Really?"

And the judge said, "No,
four counts. I was just lying."

As if he hadn’t created
enough controversy,

Arizona Governor Evan Mecham
this week angered Jews

by announcing
that the United States

is a great Christian nation

and Jesus Christ
is "Lord of the land."

In the last year,
Mecham has also angered blacks,

Hispanics, women,
and homosexuals

with his bigoted remarks,

"You know, if it was
any other state than Arizona,

I’d be a little worried, but
you know what they say folks,

"Phoenix will arise
from the ashes."

It was reported
by the New York Postthis week

that the Ayatollah Khomeini
had gone into a coma.

He has since--
( laughter )

He has since recuperated
and he will soon be going home

to his town of Qom, we hope.

( laughter )

You know, I, for one, am glad

to welcome Gary Hart
back into the race.

I never thought he committed
that heinous sin to begin with.

I have often thought there were
certain women in the world

that I’d sleep with and risk
losing the presidency for.

Donna, baby, I just never
thought you were one of them.

Let’s put it this way.

If you’re the last woman I see
on my way out of Hula Hands,

I’m still gonna end up
buying a copy of Swank

later that night.

( laughter, applause )
I think, uh--

I think Gary Hart
is an okay guy,

certainly no better or worse
than the rest of them.

Nice to have you back, Gary.
Give them hell.

Now here with an opposing
viewpoint is me.

Yeah. Well, thank you again.
Thank you again.

Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

So Gary Hart wants back
in the race.

Yeah. Right, back, yeah.

This guy sleeps
with every dame on the planet.

I’m supposed to forgive
and forget.

What am I,
Mother Theresa over here?

( laughter, applause )

Yeah, why don’t we
just go all the way

and nominate Lorenzo Llamas
for the presidency?

Now I guess that’s impossible,

wouldn’t want to leave
that huge gap on Falcon Crest.

( laughter )

I just don’t know how stable
this heart cat is, you know.

I hate to think
we got into World War 3

’cause this guy saw a cute chick
in the Kremlin.

( laughter )

I don’t know about you folks,
but I don’t want a president

who’s got one finger
on the button,

and the other finger
on the button.

( laughter, applause )

So I guess
what it all comes down to

is do we want
two stiff presidents in a row?

I don’t think so,
but guess what,

that’s the comment
and I am out of here.

( applause )

Sorry, bro.

Thank you, baby.

Thank you, baby.
Thank you.

Yeah.

( makes sound )

( cheers )

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Dennis.

( laughter )

God, do I hate myself,
you know.

To help raise money
for his campaign,

Gary Hart, this week, had
to take on a new part-time job.

He’s working as a Santa Claus
at Macy’s Department Store.

He knows if you’ve been naughty
or even incredibly naughty.

Thousands of holiday tourists
gathered in New York this week

for the annual lighting
of the Don King’s hairdo.

( laughter, applause )

And tonight at 2 a.m.,

don’t forget to set your clocks
ahead one hour,

and most importantly,

don’t forget to set them back
one hour right after that.

Hey, guess what,
that’s the news everybody.

Have a nice Christmas.
( cheers and applause )

*

Excuse me!

I’m a disabled Vietnam vet.

I haven’t been drinking
or drugging in over six years.

I have a wife
and two small children.

I need to feed them and get the
kids something for Christmas.

When I got back from Vietnam,
I had a lot of personal problems

and I’m just beginning to deal
with them.

I’m deeply ashamed
about what I’m doing,

but I have to do it
in order to survive.

Thank you and God bless you.

Thank you, sir,
and God bless you.

Sir, I’m sorry to bother you,
but a quarter, dime, a penny,

whatever you can see fit
to give me, man.

Did you serve in Vietnam, sir?

Here, okay.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

- ( clears throat )
- Ma’am, I got two children
whose hearts will be broken

if Santa doesn’t come again
this year.

If you only knew how that look
in their eyes

could rip your soul apart.

All right.

Here’s a dollar,
here’s a dollar.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

( sighs )
Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention,
please?

My name is Bill Tony and I’m not
really a Vietnam vet.

I’m a young actor
from the Bleecker Street Players

and we’re mounting a play
entitled "Tears and Napalm,"

a moving examination
of the inner working

how Vietnam vets coming to grips
with their war experience.

As you know, it’s expensive

to mount a production here
in New York

so if you were at all moved
by my performance,

please give so that we can
continue our important work.

Thank you very much.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

That was great,
you really had me fooled.

- Good stuff.
- Thank you. God bless you.

- You’re really a good actor.
- Thank you.

You know, I’m interested
in taking some acting lessons.

Do you know
of any good workshops?

Well, sure. We got one down
at the Bleecker, you know.

In fact, they’re looking for
people, so just give us a call.

- It’s listed.
- Thanks.

God bless you
and have a nice day.

- Sir?
- No.

God bless you anyway, sir.

God bless you.

Excuse me. ( sobbing )

Can I have your attention
one last time, please?

I’m not an actor.

There’re no
Bleecker Street Players.

There’s no play about Vietnam.

I’m a psychotic!

I’ve been mentally ill
since I was 13 years old

when I was first
institutionalized,

and now because
of government cutbacks,

I’m forced to live
on the streets.

If you could just give me enough
cab fare to get to Bellevue

so I can get my medication,
I’d really appreciate it.

I’m not violent.
I’m just a little crazy.

Please. I’m not violent.

God bless you.
I’m not violent.

God bless you.
Have a nice day.

I’m just a little crazy.

All right, this is a stickup!

( screams )

I’m not a psychotic,

but I’m a very desperate man
with a gun.

Give me the wallet, buddy.

Come on, let’s go.

( cheers and applause )

Good evening and welcome
to Succinctly Speaking.

I’m Kathleen Fulmer.

Our guests today include Tonto,
Tarzan and Frankenstein.

( grunts )

All right, Tarzan,
let’s start with you.

- Fire.
- Fire good.

Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Fire good.

All right. Frankenstein?

( growls ) Fire bad!

Okay,
we have a difference of opinion,

and I think that’s what makes
our forum work,

the give and take.

Don’t you think?

Okay,
let’s move on, shall we?

Bread.

- ( growls )
- Tonto.

- Bread good!
- Hold on.

Hold on, Frankenstein,
we’ll get to you.

- ( growls )
- ( clears throat )

- Tonto?
- Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Bread good.

- All right.
- I no eat bread.

Good.

Frankenstein?

Bread, good!

All right.

Now before we move on,
let’s talk about something

that is in the news very much
these days, the I.N.F. Treaty.

( laughter )
Tarzan?

Tarzan like treaty.

Make world safer
for Tarzan and Boy.

All right.
There’s a strong endorsement.

Tonto?

Mm, me no trust treaty,
Kemo Sabe.

All right. Frankenstein?

Fire bad!

Okay, but what about
the I.N.F. Treaty?

( growls )

Excuse me, Ms. Fulmer.

- Frankenstein not understand
question.
- Oh, I’m sorry.

The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws
medium-range nuclear,

excuse me, nuclear missiles,

at least that
in a European theater.

( growls )

( chuckling ) Fire bad!

( laughter )

Thank you.
( clears throat )

Well,
that’s all the time we have.

Join us next week
when we’ll be talking

with the cavemen
from Quest For Fire.

( laughter )

- Thank you.
- ( growls )

Fire--
( laughter )

Fire bad!

Frankenstein fear fire,
not understand booking.

( growls )

Line between fantasy and reality
blurry for Frankenstein.

( clears throat )

( grunting )
Fire bad!

Good night.
( cheers and applause )

Good evening. I’m Jon Lovitz.

I’m a cast member
of Saturday Night Live.

You know, some of the old
Saturday Night Lives

from 10, 12,
even 13 years ago,

they’re still running on TV
in syndication.

Maybe this season’s shows
will be seen 10, 12,

or even 15 years from now.

So therefore, I’d like
to take this opportunity

to speak to you,
the viewers of the future.

*

I suppose you find it comical,
these clothes we wear,

the shirts with the buttons

and what we call pants,

how strange and quaint
they must seem to you.

Our hairdos, oh,
they must make you laugh,

if Evolution has not already
removed the laughing mechanism

from your bodies.

You must look at us with those
big bulbous heads of yours

and think, "Why are their eyes
so none cat like?"

And our fascination with sex
and violence

must seem crude and alien
to your Utopian world.

But try not to judge us
too harshly

because we might invent
time machines,

come there and kill you.

Thank you.

( applause )

*

Good night.
Thank you so much.

The senator,
as you could see,

did run off
to make a political engagement,

but we’re here
to say good night.

- Merry Christmas. Thank you.
- Feliz Navidad.

( cheers and applause )

*