All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E07.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

( speaking in Russian )

( through translator )
Esteemed Mr. President,

ladies and gentlemen,
comrades,

thank you very much

for the cordial welcome

and kind words of greeting.

The fact that the signing--

the signing of the treaty

is about--is about to be done--

to be signed--that the treaty
is about to be signed,

which will unassemble
or debuild--

dismantle--dismantle the Soviets

and U.S. average...

or rather intermediate missiles.

Oh. ( sighs )

Shows that at history--
in history,

our two strangers--

or, um, strange--

no, countries--
the two countries

of us are--

Where did we get him?

- are...
- He wasn’t our first choice.

are...

( laughter )

knowing how to--
having the power to

or literally being able
to snatch away

or rather take on--
take on answering--

sorry, responsibility.

I guess I’m rustier
than I thought I was.

It’s coming back, though.
It’s coming back.

Okay.

Because of this,
or rather in spite of this--

No, no, because of this,
this is a step into--

a step our two men--

and two men
from every country--

excuse me.

Okay, all right, when I spoke
of our two men just now,

I meant in the sense
of our two people.

I’m sorry.

It must have sounded
very strange.

Please accept my apologies.

To be frank,
I’m not feeling very well

and am quite disoriented.

I pity your poor translators.

I’m not making any sense.

What the hell
do you think you’re doing?

For the balance of my remarks,
I would like to shift

from Russian
to a more obscure language,

one which your translators
could not be expected to know.

This concludes the Russian
section of my speech.

Thank you.

You have been a great audience.

( sighs )

That was close.

That was close.

I mean, he threw me a curve with
that thing about our two peoples

’cause, you know, in Russian,
the plural for a man

is the same word in Russian
for a people or nation of men.

So I’m sitting here thinking,
our two men, what two men?

What’s this guy talking about,
you know?

And then I figured it out,
our two peoples, see.

It was close. I mean,
I covered it all right but, man!

Anyway, funny language,
funny language I’m telling you.

Get out!

What do you mean?

Not only have you disgraced
the Fox Network...

( cheers and applause )

my friend, you may very well

have caused
an international incident!

Geez, I mean, I thought
I got the gist of it.

- Get out!
- Okay, all right, all right.
Give me one more chance.

I know what you’re going
for now.

You want the word for word,
verbatim,

rather than the smoother style.

Okay, all right.
Give me a chance, I’ll get it.

Trust me. Trust me.

I’m back speaking Russian.

Thank you for your patience,
living--

lively--

lively out of the new--

Oh, boy.

Out of New York--

Wait, wait, I got it, I got it!

Live out of New York,
it’s Night this Saturday!

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guest David Gilmour
of Pink Floyd,

Buster Poindexter...

and featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Angie Dickinson.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Angie Dickinson!

( cheers and applause )

Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you.

It feels so great
to be doing a live show

because I like to do things
that have a little bit

of risk involved.
( chuckles )

When I--and you know it.

When I started acting,
I looked around Hollywood

and said, "Angie,

you may not be the most
beautiful actress in town

and you’ll never play
the classics,

but there’s one thing you are.

You’re hot and you’re game."

And it worked.
( chuckles )

It’s working.

( cheers and applause )

Yes, I played cops,
I’ve played gun molls,

wives and lovers

and now I’m hosting
Saturday Night Live.

We have--oh, thank you,
it’s great. ( chuckles )

We have a great show for you.

We have Buster Poindexter,
he’s with us.

( cheers and applause )

And of course,
David Gilmour of Pink Floyd.

( cheers and applause )

Stay with us.

The night is hot and we’re game
and we’ll be right back.

Thank you.
( applause )

*

The United States Constitution
is the foundation

of our country’s freedom.

This year we celebrate
the 200th anniversary

of this historic document.

Any questions?

( sniffs )
What’s that smell?

We better go children.

Announcer:
It’s downright embarrassing.

No matter how carefully
you store your old documents,

they still get
that constitution odor.

That’s why you need Docu fresh,

the spray on freshener
safe enough for documents,

deeds, and diplomas.

Just spray it on,
let dry, then vacuum.

We, the people
of the United States,

in order
to form a more perfect union--

- Smell better now?
- Yeah.

Now that’s a constitution
we can all be proud of.

Get Docu fresh
and declare your independence

from constitution odor.

( cheers and applause )

Don Pardo:
It’s time once again

to play America’s
most uplifting game,

Wedgie Fever!

And here’s our host,
Big Bill Franklin!

Thank you.
Thank you, Don Pardo!

Kiki,
you look beautiful tonight.

Doesn’t she?

You know Wedgie Fever
is really sweeping the country.

To prove it,
here’s the letter we received

all the way from Bangor, Maine
and it says,

"Sir, I understand you plan
to market a home version

of your so-called game.

It’s bad enough to yank people
around by their underwear on TV.

But to encourage children
to participate at home

is, in my opinion,
utterly reprehensible.

I hope you rot in hell,
Stephanie Bloom.

Well, thank you
for your comments, Mrs. Bloom.

And because we used your letter
on the air,

we’re sending you your own home
version of Wedgie Fever.

Enjoy!

And now let’s bring out
today’s contestant.

( applause )

Hello. What is your name
and what do you do?

My name is Dale Butterworth

and I’m in the hair removal
business.

Really?
You mean like electrolysis?

No, no, I own a pick-up truck
and I go around and I--

Oh, whatever.

It’s time to play Wedgie Fever.

Kiki,
would you hook up our friend.

*

Okay, Dale,
you know the rules.

You win $100
for every correct answer.

But if you’re wrong, we crank
the wheel up one whole notch.

Is it any wonder they call this
the age of enlightenment,

huh, Dale?

Okay, are you all you set?

I guess so.

- It looks a little
embarrassing.
- ( chuckles )

Maybe for you, not for me.

Okay, our first question is
in the category of astronomy.

Astronomy, true or false,

Neptune can be seen
with the naked eye.

True?
( timer buzzes )

Sorry! Kiki!

- ( groans ) Oh, that hurts.
- Well, tell me about it.

All right,
the second man on the moon was?

Uh, second man--

( timer buzzes )

Sorry! ( chuckles )

Ed Aldrin, Ed Aldrin!

Kiki!

Whoa, hello!

Now that we have
your attention...

who discovered sun spots?

Oh, that scientist
with the beard.

( timer buzzes )

Galileo!

We needed the name, Galileo.

Kiki, would you give this man
a lift. ( chuckles )

( groans )

You know, I bet Merv Griffin
is kicking himself right now

because we came up
with this first.

But right now
we’re gonna take a short break

because it’s time to meet last
week’s winner, Mr. Hank Whitman!

Hank!

*

( applause )

Hello, Hank Whitman,
you won $3,000 last week.

That’s right, Bill.

Now you were going to use it
to build an addition

on to your house
for when you had children.

Oh, there’s no chance
of that now, Bill.

Hank, you look different.

What is it? Your hair?
What’s different about you?

- I’m a foot and a half taller.
- ( laughs )

Well, nice seeing you
again really,

and I’m not being sarcastic.

Thank you Hank Whitman.
( applause )

All right, now it’s time
for our bonus round.

These questions are worth $200

or two big notches
on the Wedgie Feverwheel.

How are you doing, Dale?

Well, I’m fine except
for my crotch.

( laughs )

All right,
the category is geography.

I’ll give you the city, you tell
me what state it’s in, okay?

Here we go, Northfield.

Oklahoma!
( buzzer )

Ooh, sorry, Minnesota.

- Minnesota.
- ( groans )

- Silver City?
- Oklahoma!

( timer buzzes )
New Mexico! Hang on!

- ( screams )
- Hey, what kind of briefs
are you wearing there, Dale?

Fruit of the Loom, Bill.

Mighty impressive.

Okay.

- New Haven?
- Oklahoma.

( timer buzzes )
Oh, sorry!

New Haven, Connecticut!

Hey, wait a minute.

I was talking to this guy before
the show, he’s from New Haven.

He’s losing on purpose.

Losing on purpose?
Is that true, Dale?

Well, there’s no law against it.
Let’s go, next question!

- I don’t know. Is that allowed?
- Well, of course it’s allowed!

You got to keep going,
next question.

- I know my rights.
- Well, okay.

Abilene?

Oklahoma!
( timer buzzes )

- Sorry.
- ( groans )

Riverside?

Oklahoma!
( timer buzzes )

Stroudsburg?

Oklahoma!
( timer buzzes )

- Tulsa?
- Oklahoma!

Wait, that’s right!

- Tulsa, Oklahoma!
- Why?

You’ve won $200, Dale.

No, I mispronounced it.

No, you didn’t.

No, I didn’t mean that Oklahoma.

Well, it doesn’t matter
because we’re out of time.

- Kiki, come on over
and cut Dale down.
- No, that’s all right.

- Well, you can’t stay up there
all night.
- I don’t mind.

Well, suit yourself!

Join us tomorrow
for another exciting Pick Me Up

on Wedgie Fever.

( cheers and applause )

The Super Power Summit,

which concluded this week
in Washington,

is already being hailed as
not only a diplomatic success

but a triumph of the personal
style of Mikhail Gorbachev.

And perhaps nothing or no one

better represents
the Gorbachev style

than his young, charming,
intelligent, witty,

poised beautiful partner,

a shining symbol
of the new Russia.

A woman who,
it is certainly fair to say,

has taken the country by storm.

We are indeed honored to have
with us in our studio today

the first lady of the Union
of Soviet Socialist Republics,

Raisa Gorbachev.

( cheers and applause )

And Nancy Reagan is here too.

( laughter )

*

Mrs. Gorbachev,
once again, let me tell you

what an honor it is
for us to have you with us.

Thank you.
( applause )

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you, Phil,
the honor is all mine.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Now if there’s any question
about the affection

you have engendered
in the hearts of America,

one only has to look
as far as this week’s

Ladies’ Home Journalpoll

of the women
Americans most admire.

Do we have that graphic?

There you are, Mrs. Gorbachev,
right on the top!

( cheers and applause )

Now Nancy, do you ever
say to yourself, "Why bother?"

I mean, "Why am I beating
my head against the wall?

I am who I am
and if they don’t like me,

to hell with them!"

Our viewers should know,
in fairness, that Mrs. Reagan

did make a strong showing
at the same poll, number 14,

right under
Mrs. Eduard Shevardnadze,

the wife
of the Soviet foreign minister.

Phil, may I say something?

I don’t think
that I’m all that unpopular.

( chuckles )

Come on now, Nancy.

You are widely resented

within your husband’s
own administration.

You are perceived
by the general public

as a cold, ruthless dragon lady,

insensitive to the plight
of the common person.

Prancing around
in your Adolfo dresses

with that death mask smile
on your face.

Your anti-drug program...
has become a joke.

And there are even suggestions
that it has led

to increased drug abuse.

Phil, to be fair, I don’t think
that there is any hard evidence

to show
that Nancy Reagan’s drug program

has made the matters worse.

But sometimes,
perhaps she and her husband

has pushed it
a little bit too far.

Perhaps, uh, I’m reminded
of the summit in Rakovich

where the big problem
was Mr. Reagan saying, uh,

"Just say no."

( cheers and applause )

Oh, that is priceless!

Was that priceless?

Phil, as I recall,

it was Mr. Gorbachev
who just said, "Nyet."

Yeah. ( clears throat )

( whistles ) Whoa.

Now our viewers will notice

that your English
is quite remarkable

for a person who has
only studied it for two months!

Yes. Thank you.

When the summit was announced,

I decided to study
and learn the English.

Oh!
( applause )

That is incredible.

Nancy,
do you speak a foreign language?

Well, I studied French
for three years in high school.

( speaks in French )

But I’ve forgotten it all.

( laughter )

Uh-huh.

Nancy, during the past week,
we’ve been struck

not only
by the Gorbachev’s charm, wit,

intelligence, and so on,
but also by the fact

that, clearly,
they are a close-knit family,

and I was just wondering,
has that made you reassess

your strained relationship
with your daughter Patty?

Phil, I think
that’s a personal matter

and not a subject
to be discussed on your program.

Phil, if I may.

Patty phoned me
earlier this week...

( laughter )

and we had a nice long talk.

She explained to me
the difficulties and objections

that she had towards Nancy,

and I reminded her
that Nancy is her mother

and she deserves a chance
to work things out.

And you know what?
I think they will.

( applause )

Okay. Let’s go
into the audience now.

Now you have a chance
to talk to Raisa Gorbachev,

Any questions? Yes?

Yes, Raisa, we love you.

( applause )

Question, yes?

Yes. First of all,
Raisa, we love you!

And I was just wondering
if you would ever consider

moving to the United States
to live?

And if so,
would you run for president?

Oh, no. No.
( applause )

As much as I love
your country of America,

I have no desire
to leave the Soviet Union.

- Audience: Oh!
- Oh.

But what if you were
to take over America?

Well, we have no intention
of taking over your country.

Audience: Oh!

Bill:
Okay, anybody else? Yes, sir?

Hi. Actually, this is a question
for Nancy Reagan. Hi.

Do you remember what it was like
when you first met Raisa

and what her first words were
that she spoke to you?

No, I do not.

Okay. Another question?

Yes, ma’am?
We’re almost out of time.

Oh, Raisa,
I just have to complement you

on your beautiful skin.

( gasps ) And where do you get
those clothes?

Woman: Services provided
and promotional fees paid

by the following...

Man: Volvo,
a car you can believe in.

*

( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause )

*

Christy, I wanna thank you
for inviting us tonight.

It’s been a lovely party.

- Oh.
- It certainly is.

I mean, the food and let’s not
forget the champagne punch.

The Lord knows
tomorrow I’ll be trying too.
( laughter )

Well, thank you all for coming
on such short notice.

I just sort of
threw it together real quick

and said, "Let’s do it!"

Well, it certainly was worth it.

- Indeed.
- It was.

Oh.

Did you see this little angel
ornament over here?

It kind of looks
like a hummingbird.

- ( gasps )
- ( gasps )

What’s the matter?
What did I say?

Dear, I thought you knew.

Christy’s husband
was killed by a hummingbird.

Oh, I’m so sorry.
What can I say?

It’s all right, really.
How could you know?

He was standing over there
in the yard.

Christy,
you don’t have to talk about it.

No, It’s okay.

- I just feel just awful.
- No, don’t.

It’s just that this hummingbird
came right at him, at his head,

and it was going
about 100 miles an hour

and he just turned
and walked right into it.

I’m so sorry.

It’s okay, really.

Let’s eat, drink,
and be merry,

for tomorrow, we shall have
to go back to work.

( laughter )
Not if I can help it.

And certainly not
if the weather’s as nice

as it was today.

- ( gasps )
- ( gasps )

What’s wrong?
Did I say something?

I thought you knew.

Todd lost his job today
as weatherman at Channel 4.

It’s okay, Christy,

I predicted torrential rains
and severe flooding,

told everybody to flee
to higher ground

and take
whatever they could carry.

- Well, it did sort of
cloud up there for a while.
- Yeah.

I almost brought my umbrella.

- We’re all sorry, Todd.
- Oh, it’s all right.

Hey, at least
I didn’t predict glaciers.

- ( chuckles )
- ( gasps )

Todd,
Becky’s parents were run over

and entombed by a glacier.

( laughter )

Run over by a glacier,
but how is that possible?

It was a very fast glacier.

They camped out right
next to it one night

and found them frozen inside it.

They had these looks of terror
on their faces

like they were screaming,
"Let me out of this glacier!"

I’m so sorry.

Why did I say that? I--

Todd, it’s okay,
you couldn’t have known.

Hey, come on, everybody,

let’s drink up and,
you know, just have fun.

- Yeah, I agree.
- All right,

because I say that, all in all,
it’s a good life.

- ( coughs )
- ( sobs )

Life, that’s what her father got
for embezzlement.

( laughter )

- Oh.
- It was in all the papers.

I missed it.
I don’t know what to say.

No, no, no, don’t apologize.

It’s not your fault.

Let’s just drink to whatever.

Hey, everybody, look out
the window with this full moon.

It is huge!
Look at this moon.

- Yeah! The moon.
- Look at the moon.

( applause )

*

Announcer:
And now,Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

One down note to the signing
of the INF Treaty this week

and there’s jubilance
over the signing,

President Reagan forgot to
tear up the carbons of his copy.

They were taken
by an unknown thief

who used them
to sign a treaty with Iran

and charge $4,000 worth
of stereo equipment

to Reagan’s name at the local
Crazy Eddie’s Store.

( laughter )

One difficult aspect
of the INF Treaty

is the complicated procedural
guidelines on verification

and onsite inspections
of the missile de-escalation.

However, the hundreds of pages
of specifications

have been boiled down
to a 9-word directive:

You show me yours
and I’ll show you mine.

With the Reagan Gorbachev summit

causing a veritable
media snow storm,

U.S. forces were able to invade
Central America this week

without anybody noticing.

Just before he left on Thursday,

Sec. Gen. Gorbachev
visited a tanning parlor

trying to obscure
that thing on his head.

Ted Turner’s production company
has developed a new method

for decolorizing modern films

in the hopes of raising
their artistic status.

First in line
to undergo the process

will be the Porky’s series
of films.

Said the director,
Porky’s will finally be given

the serious critical
consideration it deserves,

plus a lot of stupid people
will pay to see it again.

And now with a movie review,
here’s our own Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria.
- Hi, Dennis.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Before I review tonight’s movie,

I would like to explain
my movie rating system.

Four stars
is a pretty good movie.

It’s not the best, but it’s well
worth watching in my opinion.

Three stars is the best,
rush on to see this movie.

They don’t make them any better.

Two stars is the worst!

Don’t waste your time
or your money.

It’s bottom of the barrel.

And one star is pretty good too.

Now the movie
that I’ll be reviewing tonight

is called Three Men and a Baby,
and I give it 15 stars.

Thank you.

Thank you, Victoria.

Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

( clears throat )

The number one film
at the box office actually

is Three Men and a Baby.

Hollywood experts predict
that the movie

will be knocked out
of the top spot next week

with the release
of the new Christmas Film

Three Wise Men and a Baby.

( boos )

Settle.

U.S. Roman Catholic bishops this
week gave qualified support

to programs that taught people
how to use condoms.

However, they stress
that they still favor abstinence

for single people,
fidelity for married people,

and the Frederick’s of Hollywood
catalogue for themselves.

( laughter )

When Raisa Gorbachev’s hat
blew off

and flew into the reflecting
pool there in Lincoln Memorial,

President Reagan himself
waded into the frigid waters

to retrieve the garment.

Then Nancy Reagan threw it back.

And entertainment,

Sammy Davis Jr.
had a hip transplant this week.

When doctors were asked
what specific organ

had been transplanted,

they wouldn’t say,
but they did say it was hip.

Well, Stephen King
has done it again.

The Tommyknockers,King’s
latest thriller about aliens

that take over a town in Maine,

is the author’s 14th novel
to top the best-seller list.

Mr. King is with us tonight
from his home in Bangor, Maine.

Stephen,
thank you for joining us.

My pleasure, Dennis!
I’m a big fan.

Oh, believe me, it’s mutual.

The Shiningis one of my
favorite books of all time.

Well, I’m very flattered.

Now Stephen, I’m sure
you’re asked all the time

about the sheer volume
of the work you put at,

how is it that you manage
to be so prolific?

Well, Dennis, I just make sure
that I write every day.

You know, I get up about 5
in the morning,

work all alone here in my study
and I write till about breakfast

and--which is about 8.

And then I usually work straight
through the day until dinner.

And I don’t eat lunch ’cause
I really can’t afford it.

And--well, if I get some ideas
at night, I just come up here,

put a few things down on paper.

I know there’s a lot
of Stephen King freaks out there

just wondering what the next
novel is going to be about.

Is that it
in your typewriter there?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

Do you think your publisher
would mind

if you gave us
a little sneak preview?

- No, not at all.
- All right, great!

What’s the new one about?

Uh, it’s about a dog

who set fires
in chemical dumps.

Terrific!
I can’t wait.

You know, Stephen,
I almost forgot

to congratulate you
on The Running Man,

the box office smash based
from the book that you authored

under the pen name
Richard Bachman.

Yeah, thanks.
Thank you very much, Dennis.

I’m very proud
of The Running Man.

As you know, I use
the pen name Richard Bachman

when television feel

that my Stephen Kings books as
were saturating the marketing.

Well, thank you again, Stephen.
It is indeed rare that--Stephen?

Stephen, are you all right?

No, I’m burned out.
I’m blocked.

That’s it.

No, I’m okay.

Stephen, once again
thank you for taking time out

from your busy schedule to talk
with us here at Weekend Update.

Don’t be silly, Dennis.
Anytime.

Stephen King,
ladies and gentlemen.

( cheers and applause )

( clears throat )

You know, if that soft focus
around Joan Collins

on the DynastyShow
is starting to bother you,

it was revealed earlier
this week by the producers

of the show that they do indeed
shoot Ms. Collins

through a gauze filter
that softens her looks.

The producers say that even this
precautionary measure

is starting
to prove ineffective,

and next week,
they will begin shooting Joan

through a pair
of Levi’s 501 jeans.

( laughter )

The Great Wall of China
was built in 664 A.D.

Now 13,023 years later,

workers finally begun
on the Great Ceiling of China.

Acoustical towels
will be used

and the Chinese
are working feverishly

in hopes of finishing
before the carpeting arrives.

As the host country
of the 1988 Summer Olympics,

South Korea
is exercising its prerogative

to introduce a new event
to the games,

the 400-meter running
from teargas event.

Favorites in the new event
besides South Korea

include Chile and South Africa,

and these are all western-bloc
nations, all right, huh?

The 22nd game
of the World Chess Championship

between Karpov and Kasparov
ended in a draw yesterday.

The 23rd game is scheduled
for next Monday.

And now,
here with The Big Picture

is our own A. Whitney Brown,
Whitney.

( cheers and applause )

Well, the Russians are gone

and they seemed like such nice
people while they were here,

makes you wonder what’s so bad
about communism.

Well, the problem with communism
is there is no money in it,

so everybody’s broke
all the time.

Besides that fact,
their movies suck,

their clothes are lumpy,

and their liquor
makes you go blind.

Their leading export
is cultural talents,

ballet dancers, gymnasts,
anybody with feet.

And who defects
to the Soviet Union?

British homosexual spies.

We think we have a balance
of trade problem.

They have a bureaucracy,

a bureaucracy as bad
as a Mexican traffic court,

but they don’t take bribes,
plus they lie.

The average Russian view
of America is totally distorted

by propaganda.

To watch Soviet television,

you’d think America was nothing
but greed, violence, and crime,

whereas to watch
American television, you--

Oh, maybe that’s a bad example.

Let’s not get bogged down
in details here.

The real question is, can we
trust these communist spooks

not to trick us
on this new treaty.

It’s a question
of national honor.

I think the American record
speaks for itself.

But I’m sorry to say,
we can’t expect the Soviets

to be as honest
as the Indians were.

No, these red men
are a little more sophisticated

than the last ones.

On the other hand,
these are the same people

that sold us Alaska
for 7 million bucks,

so it’s worth a try.

Of course that was a simple
real estate deal

and people are more possessive
about their weapons

even if they don’t use them.

You know, Harry S. Truman
is still the only man

who ever dropped
that A-bomb on people.

He had his moods.

( laughter )

Truman was a brave American
warrior, but so was Custer,

and it only took
one little arrowhead

to make him look like
the biggest ass in history.

So, when we put these two
opposing lessons of the past

into the big picture,

we see that the flint chip
that made a fossil out of Custer

has become the general dynamics
Tomahawk cruise missile.

Takes a scalp of the speed
of sound from 2,500 miles away.

It can cross the continent
following the contour

of the land
and an altitude of 50 feet

to strike within 10 yards
of its target

and then turns the ground
to molten glass for 5 miles

in every direction.

That’s if it works, of course.

But we’ll never know because
it’s covered by the INF Treaty,

so as the smoke
of this council-fire

drifts down the wind of history
once again,

we bury the Tomahawk.

You know what they say
that history repeats itself,

but then again,
they’ve said that before.

( laughter )

Still, if we can negotiate
a verification good enough

to keep the Soviets
from cheating us, then maybe,

just maybe we can work out
something similar

with our own defense
contractors.

- Thank you, Whitney.
- And that, my friends,
is The Big Picture.

- Thank you, Whitney.
- Welcome.

( cheers and applause )

( clears throat )

The statute of limitations
on respecting Bob Hope

for his earlier work
has finally run out.

Mr. Hope filed for an extension

but the last one
was given to Jerry Lewis

and it was abused
and had to be revoked.

World heavyweight champion
Mike Tyson

got cable this week,
and boy, is he happy about it.

Well, guess what folks,
that’s the news,

and I’m out of here.

( cheers and applause )

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? Dessert?

No, I’m fine.

How about another pillow?

Actually, I was sleeping.
Thank you.

That’s a beautiful watch.

Mm. Thank you, good night.

My brother-in-law
has a watch just like that.

- He’s a pilot.
- Hm.

- Are you a pilot?
- No.

No, I’m not. I’m sorry.

Oh.

So you wouldn’t know
how to--

oh, say, land a DC-10?

Uh-uh.

No, no. No.

- All right,
sorry to disturb you.
- No. Mm-hmm.

Go back to sleep.

How are we doing?

Hi!

How are we doing?

Is that a good book?

Hmm? What? What?

I hear that’s a good book.

Uh, here, borrow it.

It’s about airplanes, isn’t it?

It’s a love story.
Actually, I was asleep.

They’re complicated things,
aren’t they?

What?

Airplanes.

I thought we were talking
about airplanes.

Yes, yes, I imagine
they’re pretty complicated.

- Ah.
- Good night.

But you don’t know firsthand?

I mean, you’re not a pilot?

Me? No. No, I’m not a pilot.

Well, let me know
if I can get you anything.

Okay.

All right.

Can I get you anything?

How about an extra blanket?

What?

- I read an article recently.
- ( coughs )

I read an article
about how men in the air force--

that used to be in the air force
at least,

liked to sleep
with extra blankets.

Yeah. Oh, well, thanks
for sharing that with me.

- Good night.
- Were you ever
in the air force?

No. No.

So an emergency landing
on a fogged in runway

in about 10 or 15 minutes

would probably be
out of the question?

Me, landing?
Why, is everything all right?

Oh! Oh, of course.
I’m just chatting.

See, we’re just chatting here.

Oh, yeah.

All right,
well, go back to sleep.

Later Danish.
How does that sound?

Woman: Stewardess, excuse me.

- Oh, yes.
- Hi.

What is--
Is that the Hollywood Bowl?

No!

- No. ( shushes )
- No? Uh, well--

Now, get back to sleep.

Oh,
are we still over Los Angeles?

No, no, no!

Nearly every major city
has their own bowl now.

Now, wait a minute,
why are we so low?

What’s going on? Tell me!

We’re gonna crash--
( muffled screaming )

There.

There, feeling much more
comfortable now?

What was that? More Sanka?

I’ll check. Nighty-night.

How are we doing?

Mm, are we on schedule?

- Yes, yes. We’re fine.
- Oh.

I couldn’t help but notice

that’s such a wonderful belt
you’re wearing,

the buckle is shaped
a little like an altimeter.

- ( scoffs )
- Do you know
what an altimeter is?

Of course I do.

You mean--are you a pilot?

Yes, I’m a pilot.

( gasps ) Really?

( gasps ) Thank God!
Could you come with me?

There’s something horrible
happened in the cockpit.

Yes, of course. Let’s go.

Oh, my.

Oh, have you ever landed
a DC-10?

Of course, I’ve flown
all sorts of vehicles.

I’ve been a commander
in the Starfleet

for many light years.

- A Starfleet?
- Yes.

In fact, I led
our recent successful attack

against the warlords of Neptune.

The queen bee was very pleased.

You’re insane, aren’t you?

Look, the color red.
I invented that color.

I invented
most of the primary colors.

They steal my ideas, you know.

We have to hurry.
The pilot’s had a heart attack.

No problem.
I’m also a heart surgeon.

Oh!

( cheers and applause )

*

Well, it’s up to me to say
happy holidays to everybody.

Thank you for coming.
Thank you for watching.

Thank you all.

I think this is a great,
great group.

Take us home.
Thank you very much.

( cheers and applause )

*