All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

Announcer:
Saturday Night Live, normally
seen at this time will begin

immediately following
this important announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Vice President
of the United States.

Hello, I’m George Bush.

You know, this week
the Iran-Contra Report

came out and predictably
stories resurfaced

in the media to the effect
that I am a wimp.

I am not a wimp.

And, frankly, I’m tired of being
labeled as a weakling

who’s afraid to criticize
the President.

And I can tell you
straight out,

the man has lost it.

( audience laughing )

Hear me out,
he has trouble hearing.

He can’t concentrate.

He can’t even handle
the most basic task.

And on an occasion last week,
I had to feed him.

( audience laughing )

And I can tell you
how frightening it is to see

the President with corn chowder
dribbling down his chin.

( audience laughing )

People are concerned
and I don’t blame them.

Cap Weinberger was concerned
and he quit.

But me, George Bush,
I’m not a quitter.

And that is why
earlier this evening

I staged a successful coup.

( audience laughing )

See, me, the wimp...

( audience laughing )

Seizing command
of the government
of the United States.

The President has been informed
and, you know,

he actually seemed relieved.

He squeezed my hand and said,
"God be with you George."

Then he was placed
under house arrest.

( audience laughing )

Now during the next few weeks,
I’ll be issuing edicts

on a regular basis concerning
the reorganization

of our entire society.

Hardly the actions of a wimp,
wouldn’t you agree?

Would a wimp suspend the right
to trial by jury?

( audience laughing )

Could a weakling
cancel elections

until he’s crushed
all opposition?

Would a wuss order
the imprisonment of a figure

as beloved as Rose Kennedy?

( audience laughing )

I think you can leave
these questions

to my political enemies
when they emerge

from the reeducation camps.

( audience laughing )

Now, finally, one more fact
you should know.

Clearly, it’d be nonsensical
for a man of my stature

to have only one wife.

( audience laughing )

Therefore, I have taken
as my second wife,

Miss Valerie Perrine.

( audience laughing )

So that my genetic code
can be disseminated more widely.

And now I ask you to rise
and join me

in the pledge of allegiance.

I pledge allegiance
to the decisive leadership

of the Supreme Commander
George Bush.

( audience laughing )

And to his wife
Barbara Bush,

and to Valerie Perrine Bush.

Into the grand exalted vision
of George Bush.

One leader, one religion,

Episcopalian, under God,

( audience laughing )

"Boola Boola,"
live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

( audience cheering )

( music )

Announcer:
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With: Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

and Kevin Nealon!

Musical guest:
Cher!

G.E Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band!

And starring Candice Bergen!

( audience applauding )

Announcer:
You are watching
Waterbury Cable Television

Public Access Channel D.

Announcer:
Good evening and welcome again

to Pumping Up
with Hans and Franz.

The informative
training program

for the serious weight lifter.

- Welcome again, we’re back.
- We’re back.

All right.

( audience cheering )

- Once again, I’m Hans.
- And I’m Franz.

- And we want to pump you up.
- And we want to pump you up.

Alright, in this program we show
you how to bulk up your muscle

by pumping up.

That’s right Hans,
so if you’re interested

take time out
of your busy schedule

and give us
your full attention.

Yeah, otherwise forget it!

You can do something
like this half-assed.

Yeah! Yeah!

That might be the way
you do things,

and if that’s the case,
we don’t wanna know from it.

That’s right.

Listen to me now
and believe me later.

You’re not doing us
any favors here.

No.
Okay, Hans enough talk.

We’re not here to talk.

- We’re here to pump you up!
- We’re here to pump you up!

- Alright.
- Alright.

First we’re gonna show you
how to reduce stress

with some simple exercises.

That’s right, Franz.

Here you go, for the pump it’s
very important to breathe in.

- Yeah!
- It’s very important.

You must exhale
on the way up,

inhale on the way down.

It’s very basic, I think
you could remember that.

Yeah, and if you can’t remember
something so simple you know

maybe you need some
straightening out.

Hear me now
and believe me later.

( audience laughing )

If you have
an attitude problem,

maybe we should pummel you
with our bare fist

like a veal cutlet.

Alright.
Okay, Franz, enough talk.

We’re not here to talk,
we’re here to...

- Pump you up!
- Pump you up!

Alright, back to the program.

This is Helmut.
Come here, Helmut.

( audience laughing )

Helmut is a typical person.

Helmut is what you become
if you are lazy.

Yeah, he’s your
worst nightmare.

But tomorrow, we put Helmut
on the workout program.

We’ll be charting his progress
over the next few months.

Say hello, Helmut.

Hello, I’m Helmut.

( audience laughing )

Everywhere you look,
Helmut is covered with baby fat

but he’s a grown man.

Yeah, look at his belly,

you can pinch more than an inch
and he wouldn’t even feel it.

He wouldn’t even know
what was happening.

Yeah, that’s right.
Turn around, Helmut.

Look at this buttock, you know,
look at it, it’s soft like jam.

I wish I had a biscuit
to put that buttock on,

it’d be a nice afternoon snack,
believe me.

Yeah, Yeah!

Look, look at his pectorals
right here, look.

They’re soft,

they’re like
two big marshmallows

after they’ve been toasted.
Too much on one side, look.

Look at that, yeah!

If they were any lower
he’d step on them.

( audience laughing )

Yeah!

I point at the muscle
but who can find it
through this pile of flab?

You know, I wish I was Sherlock
Holmes with the one of those

looking glasses so I could look
to the marshmallows

and try and find the muscle,
but that’s life.

That’s right, that’s right
Franz, nothing comes easy.

If you don’t follow the workout

you’re never going to
look like this.

( audience laughing )

Now if you have
a problem with that maybe
you should be disciplined.

Yeah you know maybe I should
take off my sweatshirt

after a long hard workout
and wring it out into a glass

and then make you drink it.

- Yeah, Franz, with no ice.
- Yeah!

Yeah, maybe we should
grab your love handles

and stretch them around you
like a bag

so you can carry yourself out
to the garbage.

( audience laughing )

Listen, my friend,
believe this and believe me now,

that’s where trash
like you belongs.

That’s right, okay, enough talk.
I see our time is up.

- Once again I’m Hans.
- And I am Franz.

And we want to...

- ...pump you up!
- ...pump you up!

See you next week.

- We’ll be back.
- We’ll be back.

(Announcer):
This has been Pumping Up
with Hans and Franz.

( audience applauding )

( music )

Oh Norfolk, pray what news
of my beloved husband, the King.

He bodes ill, Your Highness.

The King demands your death.

I fear as much.

What manner of execution
is it to be?

The choosing is yours, milady.

How so Norfolk?

If you grant the King a divorce

and renounce any claim
to the throne,

then you
shall be beheaded.

If you do not, then you
shall be burned at the stake.

After I’m beheaded,
what will happen to my head?

( audience laughing )

It will be placed on top
of a wall for public display.

People will be allowed
to throw things at it

in attempts
to knockit off the wall.

( audience laughing )

How many throws
will each person get

before another person
gets to throw?

( audience laughing )

Three.

( audience laughing )

Will they be allowed
to throw anything?

Within reason.

Would a rotten potato
be considered reasonable?

I’m afraid it would, madame.

( audience laughing )

But I mean, a really rotten one,
all mushy and such.

And when my head is knocked off
the wall, will the dirt and mud

be brushed off my face before
it is set back on the wall?

I’m not sure, your grace,
I will check it out.

( audience laughing )

Thank you, Norfolk.

I will leave you now
to weigh your decision.

Norfolk!

Yes madame?

What if I grant the divorce,
renounce the throne

but invoke the blessing
of the Pope?

Then you shall be drawn and
quartered by four large horses.

( audience laughing )

Then the quarters shall be
drawn and quartered

by four smaller horses.

( audience laughing )

Then those quarters
will be drawn

and quartered by four frogs.

After that the quartering
would stop

and the mincing
would begin.

( audience laughing )

I see!

And my head?

Your head will be
placed on a pike.

On a fish, Norfolk?

( audience laughing )

No, your Highness,
a spike pike.

Oh Norfolk!

What about the crows?
Will they not attack my face?

We would put
a wired cage over your head.

We would keep out the crows
but smaller birds would be able

to shoulder the way
through the bars.

And I suppose yellow
jackets could get through.

Yes, madame.

And June bugs.

Yes, but June bugs really
wouldn’t do any harm.

They just sort of crawl
around on your face.

Could a small scarecrow
be attached to my forehead?

Again, I will check into
the matter, your Highness.

But now I will take my leave.

- Norfolk!
- Yes, your Highness?

What if I just
do everything they ask?

In that case,
your head will be chopped off

and then it will be
shot out of a cannon.

( audience laughing )

How many times?

I’m not sure.
It seems to be really arbitrary.

And my body?

It would be folded up
and also shot out of a cannon.

Would my head
ever be shot at my body?

( audience laughing )

- It might, your grace.
- Yuck!

And what happens
to my head after that?

I would be wrapped up
like a present

and sent anonymously
to a stranger.

( audience laughing )

A royal entourage would hide
in the bushes

to see the expression
on the stranger’s face
when he opens it.

( audience laughing )

Norfolk, you may inform the King
I have made my decision.

I will grant the divorce.

I will renounce the throne

and have my head cut off.

Very well, madame.

Now is that the one where we put
your head on the wall, I’m lost.

Yes, yes, that’s the one.

I will take my leave now,
Your Highness.

- Norfolk!
- Oh yes, your Highness.

The executioner, is he skilled?

Very skilled, madame.

He has been sent for
from Calais.

( music )

( bell tolling )

( woman weeping )

I forgive you.

( drum rolling )

( woman screaming )

(Announcer:)
The execution of Anne Boleyn
took six and a half hours

and 3 axes,

and was one of the bloodiest
in royal history.

At one point Anne Boleyn
cried out

that she would rather be
burned at the stake

but it was decided
to carry on.

Later, her head was placed
atop a pike, which swam away

never to be seen again.

( audience applauding )

(Narrator:)
The Supreme Court

is the ultimate guardian
of our liberties.

Now Ronald Reagan
wants Anthony Kennedy

to be our next Supreme Court
Justice, but Anthony Kennedy

has a strange idea of what
justice is all about.

In 1977, Judge Kennedy ruled

that machine parts manufactured
in one state or territory

and shipped through a port

for assembly in another state
or territory may be taxed

on a pro rata basis applied
to their aggregate wholesale
value.

To put it in plain English,
a manufacturer of machine parts

must pay a proportional tax
upon shipment of those parts

rather than an aggregate tax
based on the final net receipts

of the sale of the assembled
finished products.

If these are Judge Kennedy’s
views on the taxation

of component parts shipped
from the state or territory

of the manufacturer
to the state

or territory of their ultimate
assembly in sale,

just imagine what his views
might be on civil rights,

the environment or abortion.

If you are as frightened
as we are, write

Manufacturers Of Machine Part
Components United

To Save Our Courts.

The madness must stop now.

( audience applauding )

( music )

(Announcer:)
And now, Weekend Update with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

( audience cheering )

Thank you, good evening
and what can I tell you,

the congressional report
on the Iran-Contra Affair

came out this week and laid
the blame directly

on the shoulders of President
Reagan and his advisers.

The President through
a spokesman answered the charges

saying, "I’m rubber, you’re
glue, whatever you say about me

bounces off me
and sticks to you".

In a related statement,
General C. Everett Koop said,

"I’m just glad to hear
the President say the word
rubber".

( audience laughing )

As if Vice President Bush didn’t
have enough image problems
already,

this week he visited
a psychic who told him

that in a previous life
he was Mel Cooley

from the old Dick Van Dyke show.

( audience laughing )

Is it just me, or is
William F. Buckley melting?

( audience laughing )

Democratic Presidential hopeful
Richard Gephardt today announced

the passage of special
legislation designed to deport

the Filipino barber who gave him
that atrocious $7 haircut.

First Lady Nancy Reagan was
reported in a fair condition

today after being dragged all
the way to Camp David

by Rex the White House pooch.

The remorseful
dog has been shipped

to the Canine Core Facility for
obedience training,

where he’ll be thought to heel,
sit up, beg and possibly fill in

for the President
at future press conferences.

This week, biochemists at Albany
Medical College announced

the breakthrough discovery
of a sperm-blocking protein

which could lead to birth
control pill for men.

There’s still some kinks
in the system

and as proof of that

Weekend Update has procured
a visual microscopic enhancement

of the sperm-blocking procedure.

We’re proud to show it
to you tonight.

Number 54 is the sperm blocker,

he inexplicably drops back
in to coverage.

Number 9 in the blue that’s
the sperm, and at this point

he’s running loose.

Now sure the sperm blocker comes
in at the last moment

too late at this point,
the sperm has scored,

it’s Zygote Ville, folks,

the game called
on account of pregnancy.

Zygote Ville, okay.

Gary Hart surfaced this week
saying he was having

a lot of trouble meeting chicks
now that he had no clout.

( audience laughing )

During their last meeting

the Pope made Ronald Reagan
laugh so hard

that Reagan smacked him
on the back of the head

and told him to quit it
or he’s gonna choke on his food.

Medical authorities now
estimated by the year 2000

more people will die from AIDS
each year

than will die
in automobile accidents.

A concerned Reagan
administration responded

by recommending that the nation
adopt the uniform speed limit

on all roads
of 120 miles per hour.

Washington columnist and standup
comedian George Will

was rushed through the hospital
today when he collapsed

after taking the first deep
breath of his life.

Comedian Bill Cosby was let go
by the producers

of the Cosby Show this week
and replaced by Valerie Harper.

The new show
will be called Valerie.

On Thursday the current shipment
of Beaujolai Nouveau wine

was put on sale in the US
but I really can’t imagine

that anyone interested in that
kind of thing

would be watching this show.

This just in...

Okay.

Isn’t it the tablecloth
that Lady and the Tramp

ate pasta off of
out in the alley?

( audience laughing )

You know, the stock market
dropped 2000 points Friday

when everyone sold
all their stock.

And in today’s radio message,
President Reagan

termed the action "a temporary
sigh in the marketplace",

and promised to think about it
if he could remember it
while clearing brush

during his ten-week Christmas
vacation in California."

Well bad news for beer salesman,
Spuds McKenzie this week

has his estranged gay lover
Studs McDougall.

( audience laughing )

Oh, Studs surfaced and filed
a man’s best palimony suit

against McKenzie, said
McDougall, "I was with Spud
in the lean times,

I knew him when he was still
going for human legs".

It was announced last week that
a new anti-cholesterol drug

has been found that
traumatically reduces the risk
of coronary heart disease.

A jubilant McDonald’s
corporation immediately

responded with the unveiling
of its newest product

Butter McCheese.
( audience laughing )

The Kerr-McGee Company
of silkwood fame is under fire

again having recently been
accused of being the source

of a shipment of radioactive
fertilizer that might be

the cause of some genetic
mutant aberrations

in the State of Oklahoma,

among those recently
discovered was
a nine-legged frog.

As if they didn’t have enough
trouble Kerr-McGee also

faces a copyright infringement
suit from Milton Bradley,

the makers of Cootie.

( audience laughing )

Republican congressional leaders
this week strongly criticized

the proposal to invite Mikhail
Gorbachev to address

a joint meeting of Congress.

Now I should tell you upfront
I’m not exactly Gorby groupie

but if you are gonna over here,
you should at least make him

dance for his dinner,
make him do something.

Now if the Fox Network
still had the Late Show on,

we can make him host that
for a night.

Really put the screws to him,
but it’s off the air and I hear

they’re gonna do a late
night comedy news show.

Trust me, boys,
that’s an impossibility,

it’ll never fly.

So maybe we do let him address
Congress if for no other reason

than to make some of older
representatives fake

being awake for an hour or so.

And if they don’t like
what they’re hearing

then they can just heck along,
see how he thinks on his feet.

Or bring in some star search
judges to give a bad time.

Might as well show him
what America is really about,

and with the hot
counter point is...

...I’ve always waited for this
to happen, 3 years

and the sketch
blew off on live TV. Okay!

Wow! Okay!

( audience applauding )

Oh Jesus!

I am so humbled!

You know in a touching act
of Christian Charity

evangelist Queen Tammy Faye
Bakker today donated her last

six tons of pancake blush
to the starving families
of Africa.

If they can’t eat
said the Pentecostal princess

at least they can be pretty.

Peter Holm sued his right hand
this week for support fame

and saying that while it was
tough to lose Joan

when the hand flipped out
on him, well it was just
too much to bear.

Guess what folks, that’s
the news and I am outta here!

( music )

( audience cheering )

(Announcer:)
Ladies and gentleman
Mr. Lonnie Broadaxe.

Thank you! Thank you!

( audience applauding )

We’ll thank you kindly!

I’d like to sing a song about
a place where I grew up.

A little town back in the woods
and the song’s called Country,

Through and Through.

* I was born in the green
hills of Kentucky *

* But I hope you folks won’t
hold that against me *

* We was poor
in preacher’s gap *

* It’s been in a life
long handicapped *

* I’m embarrassed that
I come from Country County *

* My daddy couldn’t
read or write so well *

* And the goldmine buses
worked him hard as hell *

* He just never had a dollar
so we lived in total squalor *

* Curse that idiot who gone
got married when he was 12 *

( audience laughing )

Now I remember every night
before I go to sleep

My daddy come into my room
and say some drunken thing,

didn’t make no sense.

Then he tried to molest me.

* You see Country folks
are different *

* Kinda backward, kinda crude *

* The mamas all have
real bad teeth *

* And the kids
all run around nude *

* Though it shames me
to admit it *

* I’m Country
through and through *

* When you’re not exposed
to alternatives *

* Tell me
what else can you do? *

You know, they say
you can’t take the Country

out of the Country boy.

But why the hell not?

They can cure small pox.

This Country thing
is holding me back.

* Some people think
Country folks is weird *

* And brother you won’t get
no argument here *

* Just look
at this stupid clothes *

* it’s the only style I knows *

* Because I grew up
in a hell hole in the Country *

* And into I went
you are from the Country *

* My life’s a joke ’cause
I come from the Country *

* I curse the Lord for
sticking me in the Country *

* You’re screwed for life
if you come from the Country *

Thank you!

Thank you kindly!

( audience applauding )

I’m sorry about the accent!

I’m sorry about that!

Thank you!

( phone ringing )

- Hello!
- Edwards?

- Where’s that report?
- Report?

It was supposed
to be here last week!

Uhhh.

You’re fired!

(Narrator:)
There are lots of

overnight express delivery
services out there.

Federal Express, Purolator,
Amory, they all do a fine job

when you’re racing a deadline.

But what do you do if you
already missed your deadline?

When it’s already too late,
it’s time to call us.

Einstein Express.

Hello!

Two pounds, and when does it
have to be there?

Three days ago?

Okay, that’s last Friday.

(Narrator:)
Using a patented
super conductor matrix

coupled with Einstein’s theory
of Space Time Continuum,

we can transport any document

or package up to 10 pounds
into the past.

Sure, it costs a little more.

That will be $57.

(Narrator:)
But there are times
when nothing else will do.

I gotta get these
pills to my girlfriend.

Four months ago.

Edwards, I read your report
over the weekend,

it’s brilliant, partner.

(Narrator:)
Einstein Express.

When it absolutely positively
has to be there

the day before yesterday.

( audience applauding )

Oh yeah, baby, it’s hot.

Damn, it’s gonna get
a whole lot hotter.

But I’ve been waiting
8 long years for this baby.

Oh yeah!

This tiger’s finally
out of prison.

It’s ready to make up
for some lost time.

Aren’t you the shy one, huh?

Yeah, sure, I’m shy, whatever
you want, it’s your money.

You got a lot of man here, baby.

Oh yeah!

That’s right poopie.

You got a lot of me!

Hey! Hey you!
Get out of here, pervert!

Beat it!

You’re messing
with the wrong guy!

That’s it, weirdo!
You better run!

If you’re smart,
you won’t look back!

It’s alright, pumpkin,
just a peeping tom.

He won’t be back.

Don’t you worry about a thing!

Thank God, my hero.

That’s right, baby.

Don’t you worry, darling.

Because the doctor is in!

But where’s that thing
I’m gonna put on my pajamas?

Let me see now.

Where did I put those?

Oh yeah!

Here they are.
Okay, pervert!

- What are you, sick, huh?
- No!

This is how
you get your kicks?

You picked the wrong room
and the wrong guy

because I’m a bad mad mother,
you understand that?

Yes! You’re right!

I thought this is my room.
You’re right! You’re right!

You’re damn right I’m right!

Big mistake, it
won’t happen again.

So you’re damn right
it won’t happen again.

Because if it does,
I’ll blow your brains out!

- Do you understand me?
- Yes sir!

You get out of here,
come on, get out of here!

What does he think, I’m kidding?

Okay.

Okay, he got the message!

Speaking of messages...

...I got a little package
for you, eh!

Coming special delivery, baby.

Yeah, mama!

Maybe something good
is on TV.

I’ll...

I’ll go get the TV Guide here.

Yeah, here it is!

- Okay, get in here!
- Oh no! No!

Who do you think--
I’m kidding with you, huh?

- Is this some kind of joke?
- No!

Honest, I was just wondering
what the score of the game was,
that’s all.

Oh boy!

- Won’t happen again, I swear.
- It won’t happen again.

Because you won’t be able to
walk when I’m through with you!

Get out!

Please!
It won’t happen again, sir.

Get out of here!

Punk!

I’ll kill him!

Doesn’t know
who I am or what I can do!

But I think you know
what I can do, baby.

Yeah, you know what I can do,
don’t you, cupcake?

Oh please! Don’t tease me, stop,
you’re driving me wild.

( audience laughing )

Oh come on, baby, you know
the tiger is yours tonight.

Why don’t I
turn off the TV, baby?

Yeah, you know, it’s
kinda distracting.

Okay, that’s it,
come on get in here!

Okay!

What do you think?

You decided
to test me, didn’t you?

I was just wondering what time
it was. I lost my watch.

I was trying
to look at your clock.

Oh, man, what, you
think this is a joke?

No, no, no, honest!
Believe me.

Listen to me, Mr. Sicko,
I got a hand trigger temper

and I wouldn’t think twice if
I put a bullet in your skull.

You understand me?

I will never ever snoop
around again, honest.

You’re gonna be a very, very
sorry person if I catch you

around here again you understand
because I’m crazy unpredictable!

Yes, okay enough! Okay! Yes!
I believe you! I believe you!

Okay, okay, that’s right.

Get out of here.
Get out of here faster!

Nobody invades my privacy!
Nobody!

Excuse me,
what time is it anyway?

Get out of here!

Okay. Okay, pumpkin.

I’m not gonna
let him spoil our fun, are we?

Hercules, you got 5 minutes left
and then your hour’s up, okay?

There’s plenty of time, baby.

Oh yeah!

( audience laughing )

You like this, don’t you, baby?

Yeah!

Please stop, you’re
driving me crazy.

Oh yeah!

I’m gonna take it all off.

Yeah, you got a front row seat.

I won. I’m lucky.
I can hardly contain myself.

You’re so lucky.

That’s it! That’s it!
You are dead meat, man!

You are dead meat!

- I lost my wallet I was just...
- It’s not time for your scam.

Oh no, I’m really sorry.
Look, I’m sorry.

You know what it
feels like to be dead?

I believe you! I deserve it.

If it makes you feel better,
I’ll leave.

It’ll make me feel a whole
lot better if you are dead.

Now you better get out of here
before I feel better!

Thank you, you won’t regret it.
Thank you!

If he’s smart,
he won’t come back,

because I’m a crazy reckless
animal and there’s no telling
what I might do!

But then again,

there’s no telling what I might
do to you either, huh, cupcake.

- Sorry Tarzan, time’s up.
- What?

Yeah, come on, I got another
client. Come on, come on! Scram!

- But I didn’t...
- No, no, no, no!

Get out! Come on. Scram!
Now move! Yeah.

How are you doing?

Okay, baby, I’m gonna
give you what you want.

I’m gonna give you what
you’ve been asking for.

I hope you’re ready to get it
because I’m gonna give it...

What are you doing here?

Hey, get out of the way,
you pervert!

Why don’t you just get away
from here, you stupid idiot!

( audience cheering )

( music )

Good night everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Good night!

Yeah!

( music )