All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

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Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guests, Simply Red.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown,

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band.

And starring Robert Mitchum.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Robert Mitchum!

Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Saturday Night Live,huh?

This is something.

I don’t know what yet,
but I do know it’s live.

Live TV, I guess that’s supposed
to scare me.

Like if I screw up,
I may miss out that 110th movie.

( laughter )

And I’ve done a lot of movies,
and I remember them all too.

One of my first appearances
in films

was with Laurel and Hardy.

I think it was a comedy,

but that’s what I thought
of Winds of Wartoo.

So, who knows
what’s gonna happen tonight.

All I know for sure is,
in 90 minutes, I go to a party.

That sounds good to me.

( cheers and applause )

Let’s face it--

let’s face it, there’s not much
I haven’t seen in this world,

and there’s even less
that I haven’t done.

In fact, after this show,

there will be nothing
I haven’t done.

So stick around.

We’ve got a musical group
called Simply Red.

( cheers and applause )

We’ll be right back.

She was like the air,
brittle and easily broken.

*

How could one so perfect
be so flawed?

- Dearest...
- Not now.

I’m busy.

She was an incandescent angel,
dancing on the edge

in a ritual that was both
innocent and jejune.

Yes, she was.

Her translucent figure,

glowing in the light and fire
of her overwhelming passion.

Save me.

Why?

I wonder which was
the greater transgression,

loving her or abiding
her immaculate madness.

A little club soda
will get that out.

- Liar!
- She was consumed, obsessed,

never able to enjoy
her own party.

I alone felt her torment,

her deepest secrets
known only to me.

If keeping a clean house
is a crime,

then let me be guilty!

Guilty!

Poor frightened creature.

What was it we could not
give her, or she understand?

Somewhere between cleanliness
and godliness lies Compulsion,

the world’s most indulgent
disinfectant from Calvin Kleen.

Ah, the price of it.

*

Announcer:
There have been many trappers

and hunters in these woods,

but none is manly
as Rick "Peachfuzz" Parsons,

the Mountain Man!

( coyote howls )

( gasps ) Here it is, honey,
Mountain Man Tours.

- It will be so fun.
- I’m tired!

Oh, come on. ( pants )

Come in!

Hello, are you the tour guide
they call the Mountain Man?

Yeah, that’s me.

Hi, I’m Sydney Tacker.
This is my wife, Rhonda.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We heard about you,
and we’d like to take

that three-day hike
into the mountains.

- Yeah, you would, huh?
- You’re a lot younger.

I thought you’d be a lot bigger
than that.

Baby cougar can take
your leg off with one swipe.

- Yes, I understand.
- Yeah, you should.

Let me ask you a question,
you ever been to the mountains?

Well, no, actually,
this is our first day.

Well, you know, the mountains
do funny things to a man.

Yes, well,
I would imagine they could.

Good response, Syd.

Maybe I will take you
to the mountains.

- Yay!
- Shut up! I said maybe.

First, you got to learn
about mountain food.

Mountain food, I love it.

Slim Jim, Top Ramen,
and beef jerky,

I love that crap.

This here is a banana chip,
compact, efficient,

perfect food for the mountains.

Now put it in your mouth!

Put it in your mouth!

Wrong!

First rule of the mountains,

you don’t put something
in your mouth

just ’cause a man
tells you to.

It might make you sick.

See, honey, I told you that.

Shut up!

You make me sick,
you weekend campers,

with your squash-melted
Hershey bars

and your six pack
of Perrier water!

Hey, you, it’s not necessary
to make fun of us.

What do you know about
necessities, you slipper boy?

Look, I think we made a mistake.

Come on, let’s get going.

Oh, Sydney, come on,
it won’t be that bad.

Come on, Sydney,
I’m sorry about that.

You wanna come
to the mountains, don’t you?

Oh, I suppose.

Yeah, that’s the spirit.

( chuckles )

You’ve got some set
of ovaries, woman.

Thank you.

Um, did you hunt
all those animals?

Oh, so you noticed.

Yeah, I killed them.

I think if they could talk,
they’d thank me.

- Why?
- Why not?

What about you,
you ever kill anything?

No, I think killing animals
for a sport is wrong.

So you wouldn’t kill an animal.
( scoffs )

- No.
- Yeah.

Would you kill a moose
that was molesting your wife?

Well, that would be different.

Is it?

I bet you have
a teenie weenie peenie!

I’m very uncomfortable now.

- Goodbye.
- Wait a minute!

Wait a minute.
Wait--I’m sorry about that.

No, you’re fine, you’re fine.

Listen, if you don’t like
the trip, I won’t charge you.

Now I just got
a few more questions

and we can hit the trail, huh?

All right!

- All right.
- Let’s stay, Sydney.

- Oh, okay.
- Great, Sydney.

Listen, you ever been
on a 100-mile hike

- with a 50-pound pack?
- Oh!

- No.
- Get up!

Of course you haven’t,
you squat sergeant.

Ever free-climbed
1,000-foot vertical cliff

with 60 pounds of gear
strapped to your butt?

- No!
- Of course you haven’t,
you fruit-whipped little geek.

Hey, now wait a minute!

Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear
in a headlock

and ask him
to say "Uncle"?

No, did you?

Yeah.
Do you think I was scared?

No, I don’t think
you were scared.

So scared I made a tiny poop
in my Swiss hiking shorts.

Did you ever strap yourself nude
to a mountain

and threaten yourself
with a jackhammer?

No.

Of course you haven’t,
you fruit-whipped little fairy.

Panty-waisted little geek!

How about this, you ever
dip your head in hot molten lava

and then just look around
for a while?

As a matter of fact, I have.

You fool!

You’d stick your head
in a live volcano?

I cannot be held responsible

for your safety
in the mountains.

I’ve got to turn you folks down.

- Now get out.
- You’re turning us down?

We’re turning you down!

We came up here
to enjoy nature,

not to be abused
by some sicko maniac!

You are a tiny man.

It’s many men like you
that make women turn lesbo.

( laughter )

You can’t prove that.

Wait, honey,

remember what happened
to your first wife?

Shut up!

Come on, let’s go!
Let’s get out of here!

- I’ve had enough of this.
- Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- You’re a sick man!

It’s not me. It’s not me.
It’s these damn mountains.

They do funny things to a man.

( coyote howls )

( applause )

Announcer: Time, your company’s
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Well, maybe you’d like
to talk to the boss, huh?

The Xynex office,

people with time
on their hands.

( applause )

*

Don Pardo:
And nowWeekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Judge Douglas Ginsburg
this week,

when asked if he had any advice
he would pass on

to future Supreme Court nominees

he said,
"As a matter of fact I do.

If they ever asked you
if you’ve ever smoked marijuana,

just say no."

( laughter )

In a comprehensive
closing statement this week,

Ginsburg said he had only
smoked marijuana six times,

never as a judge

and only while watching
Cheech & Chong movies.

( laughter )

Since it appears that the most
recent Supreme Court nominee,

Anthony Kennedy,
is a shoo-in for the position,

the two post-facto nominees,
Robert Bork

and Douglas Ginsburg,
have announced

that they will go back
to their old position

as the Smith Brothers
of cough dropping.

And, uh...
( applause )

Ginsburg said he would only be
able to dedicate himself

to the cough-drop job part-time

as he has other considerations
now that he plays

Michael J. Fox’s father
on Family Ties.

And in a related story,

Democratic presidential hopeful
Paul Simon today

denied rumors that he picks up
a buck on the side

doing commercials under
the name Orville Redenbacher.

And in light of the recent
Ginsburg revelations,

all the major
Republican candidates

in the race for the presidency
were quarried

as to whether or not
they have ever masturbated.

So far--so far,
none of them will go on record

except George Bush,
who said he hadn’t

although he once looked at
himself in a full-length mirror.

( laughter )

Political observers noted
that Gov. Mario Cuomo last week

altered his position
on running for the presidency.

He now says
that if everyone in the world

got down on their hands
and knees

and said, "Please, Mario,
please, please,

please be president,"
then he would.

President Reagan, embarrassed
by Ed Meese’s incompetence

involving
the Ginsburg nomination,

verbally lambasted the
attorney general and his wife

at a White House dinner
early this week

by shouting,
"I hate the Meeses to pieces!"

( laughter )

A presidential press conference
was canceled on Thursday

when President Reagan forgot
how to point.

The former church secretary
Jessica Hahn has moved

into Hugh Hefner’s Playboy
mansion in Los Angeles.

Hef told friend,
"She’s a flying,

God-fearing young woman
and she prays like a bunny."

( cheers and applause )

Richard Dreyfuss this week
told a film class

in New York’s new school that
he longs to play Adolf Hitler,

quote, "As a man who thought
he was a hero,

a politician
with a sense of humor.

I wanna show him in a way
that he thought of himself."

Oh, Richard,
put a sock in it.

Surrogate mother
Mary Beth Whitehead

and her husband Richard
were granted a divorce Thursday

in a New Jersey court.

Custody to their two children

was granted to William
and Elizabeth Stern.

Explained Judge Joe McLaughlin,
"Hey, I had the go for it,

it was too good a joke,
come on, come on."

And now on the home front
with some parental advices,

Update’sanswer
to June Cleaver,

correspondent Victoria Jackson.

- Hi, Victoria.
- Hi.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

It’s very difficult to be a
good parent in this day and age

and know what you can give
your child

that will ensure their happiness
for the rest of their life.

I finally decided that the
single most important thing--

a piece of advice that I could
give my daughter was this,

"Worship your body,
because with a good one,

you can get anything you want."

( laughter )

You could be Paulina,
Christie Brinkley

or Vanna or better.

I mean, in America,
a tiny waist and a firm butt

will get you a lot more
than a diploma.

My daughter Scarlet and I
have developed

a scientifically
researched program

including these three
easy-to-follow steps:

Don’t cry when you’re hungry.

Learn to enjoy
that empty feeling.

Two, don’t throw away
old baby clothes.

Keep them.
The tighter, the better.

If it’s hard to breathe,
they’ll eat less.

Number three,
diet is not enough.

Follow an exercise program
like the one that Scarlet does.

Roll the film, please.

*

( babbling )

( babbling )

( cheers and applause )

Yay, Scarlet.

( clears throat )

Why look like
the Pillsbury Doughboy

when you can look
like beautiful baby Scarlet?

Just look at her before
and after unretouched photos.

( laughter )

The best thing
about our program

is you only have to follow it
for 25 to 30 years,

and once you’ve achieved fame
and fortune, you can just quit

and eat junk food
in front of your TV or pool

the rest of your life.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Victoria.

Victoria Jackson.
Thank you, dear.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you.

Victoria Jackson, thank you.

Vincent van Gogh’s painting
Irisessold this week

at the Sotheby Auction House
for a record $53.9 million.

The painting was purchased over
the phone by an anonymous buyer

who turned out
to be 15-year-old Bobby Lynch

of Trenton, New Jersey,
who had unfortunately misdialled

the phone sex number
in his area.

( laughter )

Bobby’s dad
has since taken on a second job.

You know, I don’t normally
recommend Broadway shows,

but I wasn’t sure
you knew that about me

so I thought I’d tell you.

( laughter, applause )

ABC this week unveiled
its massive production.

Napoleon and Josephine
with Armand Assante

and Jacqueline Bissett...

( laughter )

You know, this is the best
TV show I ever watched.

( laughter )

For those civilians
who are terrified

of taking the AIDS test,

the U.S. government
this week announced

that they will soon
be administering an AIDS quiz.

Here to set sail--

here to set sail
on a sea of misinformation

and a lifeboat
of oversimplification

is A. Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture.

- Hello, Whitney.
- Hello, Dennis.

Good job.

Yes.

Thank you. ( clears throat )

I think it’s time
to stop carping

on the blunders
of the president

and give him some credit
for creativity.

I mean, where do you even find

a Jewish hard-lined conservative
Republican pot smoker?

( laughter )

Sounds like
an Oprah Winfrey guest.

( laughter )

But you know,
when you look at the chaos

in the conservative camp
right now,

it’s only too tempting
to blame it all on pot.

But in fact, the Reagan
revolution owes a lot to reefer.

For one thing, it’s made
the symptoms of senility

socially acceptable.
( laughter )

Besides, when you take away
the euphoric confusion,

what’s really left
of the Reagan magic?

It couldn’t be charisma.

If he had charisma, he could
have made it in Hollywood.

No, it was more than that.

It was greed.

Vote for me
and I will lower your taxes.

Now that’s great communication.

On the other hand,
it takes real moral fiber

to remain a Republican
when there’s no money in it.

And things are looking grim
on the financial front.

Even worse for the president,
they’re getting complicated.

( laughter )

But before we abandon
a simple solution

and rush back to reality
in a blind panic,

let’s put these economic
symptoms into the big picture.

The imports are up,
productivity is down,

we’re in debt up to our ears
and our banks are reeling

under a load of ill-considered
loans with Latin America.

The problem is obvious, pot.

( laughter, applause )

What else comes
from a foreign country,

makes you spend
more than you earn,

show up late for work,
and loan money to Mexicans?

( laughter, applause )

Before we slap quotas
on the Japanese

for making cars
like their jobs depend on it,

we should check
our trade deficit with Colombia.

That won’t be easy
since it’s all in small bills.

And let’s get
in the real world here.

People are never
gonna just say no

to something that’s a cure
for PMS.

( laughter )

So now, let’s talk
about the farm crisis.

Why should Americans
be forced to import

an agricultural substance that
our own farmers can grow better

than anyone else in the world?

Our only real choice

is whether those disposable
income greenbacks

are gonna go
to prop up some puppet in Panama

or to finance some ex-hippie’s
new solar-heated hot tub

in Humboldt County.

( cheers and applause )

Plus, if American farmers
could grow pot,

we could sell it
to the Japanese,

and then the quality
of their merchandise

would go down to match ours.

( cheers and applause )

My friends,
the seeds of competitiveness

are stored in plastic film cans
all over this great country.

Let’s bring them out
from under those grow lights

and into the sunshine
where they can do us some good,

and that is the big picture.

( cheers and applause )

Sober, sober time.

Thank you.

Whitney Brown,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Thank you, Whitney.

The state appeals court
in Texas yesterday,

throughout the drug
and gun convictions

for which
rock singer David Crosby

spent five months in jail,
asked if he was bitter.

Crosby replied,
"They can’t give me back

those five months, man,
I asked."

New York State
Lottery officials said

that your chances of winning
the Lotto jackpot

are the same as being struck
by lightning three times.

They later clarified the matter

for people who live
in New York City

by saying,
"The odds of winning

are the same as being spit on
by a bomb,

approached
by a transvestite prostitute,

and beaten senseless
by a foreign-born cab driver

all in the same day."

Let’s see, something else big
happened this week,

but you know, I’d be damned
if I can remember what it was.

Guess what, folks,
that’s the news,

and I am out.
( applause )

*

( indistinct shouting )

( gunshots )

Madame President, the insurgents
are moving closer.

I don’t know
how long we can hold them off.

Mrs. Aquino, rebels have taken
over the radio station,

they’re calling
for your execution.

Another coup attempt!

This is the fifth time
they’ve tried to assassinate me.

Beauty Bath, take me away.

*

Announcer: Come away
to an island of tranquility,

your own private sanctuary
of softness.

Surround yourself
with a soothing caress

of Beauty Bath.

( gunshots )

Look out!

Oh, gee, that was close.

Madame President,
your skin, it’s so soft.

Why, thanks, Guillermo.

Now let’s go beat those rebels.

You’ve got it.

Take a Beauty Bath
and take on the world.

( applause )

*

Thank you very, very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming.

We enjoyed performing for you.

This is a wonderful group.

( applause )

Thank you.

Bye.

*