All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S13E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_iris1-eng

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

Musical guests, The Cars.

Special guest, Elvira,

and featuring G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band...

and starring Dabney Coleman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Dabney Coleman.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much
and good night.

( laughter )
Oh, no.

You know, but seriously,

it’s really an honor
to be here tonight.

Scary as hell,
but hey, it’s Halloween.

I mean, let’s be realistic.

This is a biggie here
and when they ask you

to host
the Saturday Night LiveShow

that means
you’re doing pretty well.

( laughter )

And you know, right now,
things are going great for me.

Of course, it only took
about a half a century,

but that’s okay.

In a way,
I’m actually kind of glad.

I had to wait for success
until early middle age.

It’s probably better that I had
to wait half my life to make it.

Now my kids, you know, may have
had a little bit different life,

maybe gone to better schools,
you know, things like that.

But hell they’re growing up now.

They didn’t know the difference.

( laughter )

Still don’t.

And the money--you see now,
that’s all mine, you see.

That’s my money now.

I get to spend that money.

( laughter )

What are you,
a communist out here?

Now I like that.
I really like that.

That makes me happy.

But look, we have a great show

and we’re gonns get
right into it, okay.

We have Elvira.

( cheers and applause )

And we have The Cars who were...

( cheers and applause )

not too shabby
little group there.

In fact, I have them on
my telephone answering machine

in the background there.
( laughter )

He’s gonna take you home--Well,
that’s neither here nor there.

Listen, thank you very much
and we’ll be right back.

( cheers and applause )

And you could hear him moaning

and dragging the chain
up the steps.

"Who took my head?"

And he came down the hall,
"Who took my head?"

And then he opened the door
and he came into the room,

"Who took my head?"

And then
he pulled the covers aside

and he said, "You did it!"

- ( chuckles )
- That wasn’t scary.

- Yeah, it made you jump.
- Did not.

- Yes, it did.
- Did not.

- Did, did, did, did, did, did.
- All right, all right,
all right, fellows.

Fellows, please.
You’re Boy Scouts, okay?

All right now, does anybody else
have a ghost story to tell?

- Who hasn’t told one yet?
- Oh, I know one.

- Robert. Yeah, Bobby.
Tell them.
- Okay. All right.

And this really happened, okay.

My sister’s friend, and she
was babysitting these folks

in front of my folk’s house,

and there was a call
late at night.

And the guy in the phone said,

"Go upstairs
and check on the children.

- They’re dead."
- Oh, they’re dead. Yeah.

They’re dead, yeah,
I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it.

She calls the police, right?

And then the cops,
they tapped the phone line

and when he calls back,
the cops say,

"Get out of the house.

He’s hiding the extension."

- Yeah. I heard it.
- Okay, okay.

All right, I know another one.
I know another one, okay.

My dad knew this lady once

who was driving home alone
late at night

- and the car behind her
kept flashing the lights.
- Oh, flashing the lights!

Yeah, yeah!
And it turned out, right?

It turned out there was a guy
in the backseat with an axe

who was trying to kill her
with his axe, right?

But every time the lights
would flash,

he would just duck down
behind the seat.

- I heard it.
- Okay. All right. Okay.

Mr. Webber,
why don’t you tell us one?

No. I don’t know
any scary stories.

I can’t remember any.

- Oh, come on!
- Come on!

Well, let me think here
a minute.

All right, yeah.

I’ll tell you one
about the woman

who could change herself
into different things.

All right, tell that one.

Well, it was exactly
20 years ago tonight.

It was a dark and stormy night
and the wind was howling.

- ( imitates wind howling )
- Yeah, like that. Mm-hmm.

And there was a stranger driving
along that little narrow road,

you know, that cuts between
the Flat Rock and Canoga River.

And right in that gap
at the ridge,

he saw a stalled car,
and next to that car,

he saw a beautiful lady
in white.

And I mean beautiful
and I mean white.

And he offered
to give her a ride.

But what he didn’t know
is that she was the woman

who could change herself.

Like how?

Well, like one night,
she might be a beautiful woman

and then later,
she wanted something

she might change into, you know,
like a sniveling little,

snarling little,
crying little baby

just to get what she wants,
you know,

and then if she got
what she wanted

and she’d, I mean, she’d
just change into an animal.

- Wow. What kind of an animal?
- Yeah.

Mean, very mean.

- Is this the story where the
hook ends up in the door handle?
- No, no, no.

The point is he was blinded
by her, blinded by her beauty

and he fell under her power.

Now, it goes on as he gets
under the spell

of this girl/woman/animal
so much that he married her.

And that was when
she really changed.

( laughter )

I mean,
she completely let herself go.

She never got out of bed
until noon.

She quit wearing
all those sexy dresses

and the fancy underwear
that she got from someone

and she never took care
of her hair.

- Boys: Ew!
- Yeah, I know.

But the topper--the topper
was when she quit her job.

She said she wanted
to be a full-time wife.

So what does she do?

She won’t even allow his
best friends into the house.

She throws out
his favorite furniture

and goes out and buys a bunch
of junk that he hates.

And this is a woman who can’t
even balance a checkbook,

but boy, could she spend money.

- Wow.
- Spend money and eat.

She got so fat. She looked like
some kind of a sea lion.

One time, he just very
innocently suggested,

"Honey, why don’t you try
losing a little weight?"

And she said, "Hey, hey,
I’m just retaining water."

And he said, "I’ll tell you what
you’re retaining.

You’re retaining Twinkies
at Old Milwaukee.

That’s what you’re retaining."

( cheers and applause )

Now, she said she didn’t have
to listen to that kind of stuff.

But he said, "Well, okay.

Just don’t get your butt caught
in the door on the way out."

( laughter )
And she said, "You know what?

I think two and a half years
in hell is plenty for me."

And that’s the day she lost
her power to really change.

From that day on,
she always looked the same,

ugly.

And when she and her lawyer
got through with him,

he was buried in a hole so deep,
he couldn’t breathe.

Oh, is this the story
about the man

- who gets buried alive
and lives?
- Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

That’s it. Hell, yes.

( laughter )
All right.

A story about the man
who gets buried alive,

but--hey kids, there’s a moral
to this, okay?

And that moral
is women are no damn good.

( laughter )

In fact, why don’t we just say
that altogether, okay?

All: Women are no damn good!

One more time.

All: Women are no damn good!

That’s it.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
20 minutes to sack time.

Okay, fellows, I tell you what.

We got 20 minutes and I want
each and every one of you

to sit down before you go to bed
and write a letter to your dad.

Okay?

( cheers and applause )

*

Hello, and welcome
to The Winning Spirit,

the show that profiles
those special individuals

who have surmounted the odds
and inspired us all.

Now our scheduled guest,
Barry Ripley,

the one-legged soccer player,
couldn’t make it tonight.

But Mr. Hal Everett,
who is sightless,

has agreed to step in
at the last minute.

Thank you so much, Hal.

Yeah. Right.

Well, now, Hal,
you lost your sight

in a freak accident,
is that right?

Yeah. That’s right.

What’s your name again?

Debra.

Debra, it happened
about six years ago.

I don’t really wanna go
into the details,

but it was porcupine oriented
and--

Mm-hmm.
Porcupine oriented, yes.

I’m sure it was a terrible blow.

But now you’ve learned
to overcome your blindness,

- haven’t you?
- Overcome it?

Uh-huh.

What is that, a joke?

( laughter )

Well, no, I mean,
it’s just that I’m sure

you still have
a fulfilling life, right?

Doing what?

Listening,
listening to a sunset?

( laughter )

Didn’t they tell you, honey,
I’m blind, okay?

Hello, blind!

Where are you?
Can’t see you.

I understand that,
but given everything, now,

isn’t blindness just one more
obstacle to overcome?

Yeah, right.

I’ll tell you what,

why don’t you try it
for about a day and a half?

Okay. Well, I’m sure
it’s very challenging.

But hey,
what about the positives?

No, I mean, we’ve had guests

who’ve mentioned special
advantages blind people have.

For example, your other senses
are heightened, aren’t they?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they’re great.

I can smell a little better now.

That really--really comes in
handy on the subway every day.

( laughter )

- Not to mention of the hearing,
of course, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

So let’s figure this one out.
Let’s see.

I can hear crickets chirping
a little louder than you can,

and you can see?

Yeah, that sounds fair.

That’s a fair trade-off.

Thanks, God!

Well, of course,
nothing could compensate for it.

But I mean, you must be grateful

to have your loyal
seeing-eye dog, right?

I mean, isn’t there a special
close relationship there

that sighted people
just can’t fully appreciate?

Well, first of all, on the dog,
he doesn’t like me,

and I don’t like him.

And when it rains, of course,
that’s, you know, really great,

because I get to use
that enhanced sense of smell

- we were talking about.
- Right, I see.

- That’s a wonderful thing.
- Right, right.

Well, what about your sense
of touch?

Now touch, that must be useful.

Here, I’m gonna grab
your hand, okay.

- Now feel my face
and tell me what I look like.
- No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!
Don’t do that, okay?

That’s like out
of some bad movie.

I don’t do that.

- Did I get in your nose?
- No!

( laughter )

You mentioned God earlier.

Now you haven’t lost faith
in God, have you?

- No, no, no, no.
- Good.

I still believe there’s a God,
no question about that.

I just hate his guts right now.

( laughter )

All right.

Well, you’re a little bitter,
Hal, no doubt about it.

But you haven’t let this
stop you

from leading a normal life,
huh?

Well, yeah.

I’m pretty much dead
in the water, I’d say.

Mostly, I just, you know,
hang around the house

- and drink a lot of beer,
and that’s about it.
- Yeah.

Perhaps you have some advice

for those other
handicapped people out there,

something you’d like to say
to those who might be asking,

"Why me?"

Well, I guess I could say,
you know,

"Join the club, fellas.

We’re screwed.

- Why you? Why me?"
- You know something?

You’re a horrible man,
you know that?

I mean, a few weeks ago, we had
a blind horseshoe pitcher on,

and he was just wonderful!

And then
we had a blind skydiver,

and he has managed to adapt

- and he got out there
in the world!
- They’re insane, okay, honey.

I mean,
they’ve got no grip on reality.

Guys, you’re blind, okay?
Calm down!

Stop embarrassing the rest
of us.

I don’t understand.

What do you people
want from us, anyway?

- Well--
- You want us to perform
for you, is that it?

- No!
- Well, I’ll tell you what.

Why don’t I just do
a little dance for you.

- No, stop it, stop it.
- Blind man dancing, okay.

- Is that good?
- No! Oh, no!

( sobbing )

Stop it!

- Are you crying?
- Yes!

Oh, she’s crying, great.

( sighs ) All right,
all right, will you stop it?

- Look, I’m sorry.
- Okay.

Look, look, I’ll think
of something to say

- that’s nice
for blind people, okay?
- All right, okay.

Something like,
"Okay, if you go blind,

it’s not so bad,
you get a nice tax thing,

a little deduction there
and oh, yeah,

you can look right
at an eclipse.

That’s no problem."
( laughter )

Well, that was very inspiring,
Hal.

Uh, we’ll be back next week
with Tim O’Grady,

the legless, armless songwriter,
who I promise is not bitter,

and he’ll make you feel good
about your life.

Join us.
( applause )

I know that guy.

*

Announcer:
And now,Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Well, it’s official.

Ronald Reagan
and Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday

announced plans to marry
on December 7th.

Some of you might scoff
at these two young kids

making it,
but I think it’s touching.

Love does conquer all,
even minor differences

on the Star Wars
Defense Initiative.

This December 7th, the summit,

which will ban all medium-range
nuclear missiles,

and it’s already hit
its first snag,

the National Rifle Association,

has officially
protested the treaty

and says its members
will continue to own

and carry nuclear missiles,

but only for hunting
and self-protection, of course.

This is Reagan’s
new Supreme Court nominee,

Judge Douglas Ginsburg.

The fact that there is almost
no written record on his views

and opinions
has confounded liberal opponents

of Judge Ginsburg.

Weekend Updatehas uncovered
some of Ginsburg’s writings,

and I’d like to share them
with you right now.

It’s a piece called Howl.

( laughter )

"I saw the best minds
of my generation

destroyed by madness, starving,
hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through
the Negro streets at dawn,

looking for an angry fix,
angel-headed hipsters, burning."

Well, I don’t know,
I think this Ginsburg

sounds like a very heavy cat,

and I think he’s gonna make
a groovy justice.

( laughter )

And another wild week
for stocks,

as Cale Yarborough
overcame Richard Petty

to win the Talladega
500 NASCAR race.

Vice President George Bush,

who has been looking to stake
out his own political identity,

finally broke
with President Reagan

for the first time this week.

Speaking in Iowa, Bush said that
he believes a president

should work hard
and know what’s going on.

According
to White House sources,

Vice President Bush last night
said he had a dream,

and he was a dashing buccaneer
who sailed the Spanish Main,

rescuing maidens in distress
and seizing treasure

which he distributed
to the poor.

But when Mr. Bush
awoke this morning,

he was still vice president,

the Barney Fife
of world politics.

In a valiant effort
to fight off the wimp label,

Vice President George Bush
has announced that,

for the rest of the campaign,

he’s changing his name
to George Butch.

As a public service,
tonight’s Weekend Update

will have no stories
about Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice,

Fawn Hall or Tammy Faye Bakker.

It’s nothing personal.

It’s just, enough is enough,
okay, girls?

( applause )

No, no,
what the hell am I doing?

You know--

Michael Jackson’s pet chimp,
Bubbles,

this week offered
to pay $1 million

for the remains
of John Merrick’s dog,

the Elephant Benji.

The degenerative leniency
that continues

to erode the credibility
of the California legal system

was evident again this week
when a man was acquitted

in an L.A. murder trial
after entering a plea

of cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Another near miss in the sky,

earlier tonight,
a Pan Am jumbo jet

came within 50 feet of a witch
on a broomstick

over Chicago’s
O’Hare International Airport.

The federal government
has gone ahead

and allocated funds
commissioning the building

of a network of houses
across the country

which will attend
to elderly people

beginning to suffer
from minor memory lapses.

The so-called
Ronald McReagan Houses

will open in the spring of 1988.

Champion Garry Kasparov
and challenger Anatoly Karpov

both stormed out of the 7th game

of the World Chess
Championship Match

in Seville, Spain, yesterday.

Instead of riding out
the tantrums, as per usual,

the World Chess Federation

brought in two replacement
players to finish the game.

Kasparov lost
when his replacement,

Jim Bob Booker,
tried to jump Karpov’s king.

You know, I know there’s a trend
towards frightening realism

in children’s
Halloween costumes,

but I think
it’s gone way too far.

Imagine my terror

when I answered my door earlier
this evening,

to find one of the little
neighborhood kids

dressed as Joan Collins’
estranged husband, Peter Holm.

And the kid was really nasty.

I gave him some Milk Duds,
and he said that wasn’t enough,

he also wanted the house.

And tomorrow’s big event

is the 18th Annual
New York City Marathon,

while I’m not much for exercise
to commemorate the event,

I am going to get up early
and jog my memory.

Hey. Guess what folks?

That’s the news
and I am out of here.

( cheers and applause )

Well, Gary and Marybeth,

I’m glad you two have sought
professional counseling.

That says to me
that you’re both committed

to working out your differences
to save your marriage.

Well, Doctor, I got to admit,
coming here was her idea.

Well, maybe so, Gary.

But you came here,
and to me, that says everything.

I mean,
marriage is like a garden.

It takes a lot of work.
It needs nurturing.

But hey, you’ve gotten
over the toughest part.

I mean, you’ve walked through
that door,

and that says to me
you’re in my office.

Okay, let’s talk.

Dr. Mauser,
it is such a relief,

finally, to get this out
in the open

- in front
of an objective third party.
- Uh-huh.

Now God knows I’ve tried
to talk to Gary,

but there’s no communication!

I’m talking to myself!

Well, you see,
that’s exactly why I’m here,

to listen,
and to help you hear each other.

That’s music to my ears,
Doctor.

Now what am I feeling? I’m--

I feel neglected.

The kids feel neglected.

Gary works late,
he works weekends.

- And when he’s not working,
he’s out golfing!
- Mm-hmm.

I see.

What--now what’s your handicap?

( laughter )

- Five.
- Five? So is mine.

- Oh, no kidding?
- We ought to play sometime.

He takes no responsibility
at home.

It’s as if
he’s a complete stranger!

He treats the house
like it’s a hotel!

Yeah, yeah, it’s all my fault,
right? It’s all me!

Honey, I’m just trying
to explain to Dr. Mauser

- that I--
- Look, honey, uh,

Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things
explained to him, okay?

Now, Gary, I’m sensing
you’re feeling unappreciated.

Well, yeah,
I do feel unappreciated,

- now that you mention it.
- Okay. I’m on the right track.
Okay.

Call me Dick, if you want to.

- Dick, I work hard
for a living.
- Uh-huh.

- You bust your butt, I’m sure.
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!

And I, you know, I come home,

and there’s no,
"Hi, honey, how was your day?"

- There’s no dinner
on the table.
- Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!

Sweetheart,
will you give it a rest?

Huh?

Now you were saying, Gary?

I was saying
that I work hard and--

- I work hard.
- Very hard.

- Long hours and you’re beat,
you need sympathy...
- Yeah.

a little validation, and she
doesn’t seem to get that.

I mean, with her, it’s all
of me, me, me, me thing, right?

It just so happens that she
finds it hard to sympathize

with a man that thinks nothing

of shooting skeet
in the backyard!

We have small children
running around!

Now, am I crazy
to set up a few simple rules?

- See, this is what I have
to put up with right here.
- No, no.

But wait a--wait a minute.
Is this true, Gary?

You shoot skeet
in your backyard?

Well, Jason loves it.

Justin!
Your son’s name is Justin!

Hey, hey. Jason, Justin, what
difference does it make, okay?

Skeet shooting
in your own backyard?

I mean, what kind of gun
do you use?

- Well, I just bought
a new 12-gauge Remington.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Do you prefer
that to the Winchester?

Oh, no comparison!

- It’s got good balance,
got real knock down power.
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! You sit
your big, fat butt down, okay!

( laughter )

Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor!

I came here to salvage
what is left of my marriage!

Now when he slinks home
at all hours in the morning,

stinking of gin
and jungle gardenia,

am I paranoid to think
that you’re sleeping

with your 23-year-old secretary?

Now, wait,
wait a minute once again.

Now that’s a very serious
accusation.

Is this true, Gary?

Well, actually, she’s 22.

I knew it! I knew it!
I knew I’m not imagining things!

"I knew it! I knew it!
I’m not imagining things!"

Crissy is unbelievable, man.
She thinks I’m a god!

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What, legs up to what,
about here?

( laughs ) Yeah.

And hooters
that just won’t quit.

Yeah. I get that.
( laughs )

You son of a gun.

Oh, look, look, look,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let’s get on track.

Okay, I got to apologize here,

because we’re getting
off the subject a little bit.

Let’s use the old Democratic
process, shall we, all right?

Why don’t we just say
all of those

that think Gary is right

and that, you know,
that she is wrong.

Why don’t we just raise
our right hands right now?

Gary! Gary!

Both: Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!
Gary!

Gentlemen!

Well, what is it?

This is not exactly the
objective forum I was seeking

when I decided
to get some marital help.

So I will leave you now
to measure your penises!

( laughter )

Good day!

( door slams )

Wow.

Gary...

let me ask you
a question, okay?

Sure, Dick, shoot.

Do you think the Yankees
did the right thing

hiring Billy Martin back?

Hey, I don’t think
that was their problem.

I think they need a good
left-handed pitcher.

( applause )

- Oh, it’s good.
- Look at it.

- I hate my body.
- It’s good.

- Look at it. It’s awful.
- Your body is good.

Okay, everybody.
Let’s have a seat, all right.

Shall we get started?

Now I don’t think I have
to tell you

that as a student council
of a brand-new high school,

you people have a lot
of responsibility.

I hope you’ve all been thinking
about this mascot question now

’cause we’ve got
a deadline here.

The football team
needs to order uniforms

and the bookstore needs to order
book covers, decals, and so on.

So we need to decide

what the school symbol
our mascot is gonna be?

All right, Sandy, yeah.

Well, we were all talking

and the only one we all like
was the tigers.

Tigers, yeah, not bad
except for one thing,

you know, there’s already a
school with the nickname Tigers.

In fact, it’s only about a mile
and a half from here,

the Jefferson
High School Tigers.

- That’s right.
- So you know,
when we played them in a game,

- it would be The Tigers
against The Tigers.
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, then it could be,
you know, good.

It could be like a tiger fight.

( laughter )

Yeah, right.

- Oh, oh.
- Yeah?

What if we were
The Screaming Tigers?

Well, it’s a thought,

but that does that really solve
the problem here?

What--
You know, I don’t get that.

Why would
the Tigers be screaming?

Well, they wouldn’t
be screaming anything,

but they’ll be like these lions
coming out of their mouth.

Yeah, but that could look like
a lot of things.

That could look like
he was coughing.

- Why would a tiger be coughing?
- Well,
why would he be screaming?

- ’Cause he’s mad,
’cause he’s gone extinct.
- Ew!

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Flaming Tigers.

( sighs ) Yeah.

Again, I think
we should get off these tigers

for the moment, okay?

Craig, what?
Do you have something else?

Okay, well, I was thinking
about The Communists.

- The Communists.
- Yeah.

- The Communists, The Commies.
- Yeah, and you can’t stop them

and they just go around
conquering everything.

Ah. Oh, boy.

I think I’d have to say no
to that one. Yeah.

- Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
- Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I think they ought
to be original, right?

- Yeah.
- And I’ve done some research

and I think that we ought
to be called The Capybaras.

The Capybaras?

Yes, sir.

Well, honey, I don’t think
I’m familiar with that.

Okay, wait a minute.
Let me show you.

Oh, okay, shut here.
Okay. Okay.

It’s the largest rodent
in the world, right.

It’s found in South America
and it can run,

- but it also loves to fight.
- Uh-huh.

Well, now, would people really
know what that was?

You know,
we can have an assembly

and explain it to everybody,
like an orientation sort of.

Yeah, but remember, you know,

a lot of parents
might be confused too.

Well, we could ask them
to come to the assembly too.

Well, then you got
to remember also,

- most parents have to work.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Well,
we could videotape the assembly

and then the parents
who couldn’t get off work,

they could just copy the tape
and look at the tape.

- Never mind.
- How about The Millionaires.

( sighs )

Okay, let’s stop and think
what mascot means, okay?

I mean,
it should be a mythic symbol

that inspires our loyalty
and encourages achievement

whether it beyond the athletic
field or in the classroom, okay?

The Dogs.

( laughter )

Oh, oh, oh.

What about Marty’s idea,
The Frozen Caveman?

That is so weird.

Yeah, well, it has to be
something mean and strong.

Well, okay.
What about The Strong Fighters?

The Strong Fighters, huh?

Yeah.

( laughter )

- Strong.
- How would you illustrate that,
Craig?

Well, okay.

It could be just like a guy
getting punched out,

you know,
just get beat up royal.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look, why don’t we just think
this thing through, okay, Craig?

( screams )

Forget it, Marty.
They don’t like the idea.

Marty.
( laughter )

Okay, I’ve got one.

- No, I’m too--
- What is it?

- No. You’ll think it’s stupid.
- No, we won’t, we won’t.
What is it?

Okay. What if we call ourselves
The Super Winners?

( laughter )

Now see that’s really dumb.

( laughter )

That was my mom’s idea.

All right, let’s compromise.
The Flaming Eagles.

No!

- The Sculptors.
- What about the Cover Girls?

- Doors?
- The Flaming Mafia.

Oh, what is that?

- The Titanics.
- No! The Ram Boats.

- I don’t see what’s wrong
with the Capybaras, you guys.
- The Snipers.

*

Announcer: Three weeks later,
the East Mont Flaming Envelopes

lost their season opener
to the Jefferson Tigers.

The following Monday,
a school-wide referendum

was held to choose a new name.

The Sex Machines then went on
to make the division playoffs

by beating the Hill Crest
Unskilled Labors,

only to be eliminated

by the Western Disoriented
Nude Women, 10-7.

( applause )

Announcer:
It’s thePat Stevens’ Show
with your host, Pat Stevens.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hello, everybody.
I’m Pat Stevens.

Welcome
to the Pat Stevens’ Show.

Life is harried, isn’t it?

And sometimes we just need
to get away

and we can always do it.

So let’s try something
that works for me.

It’s called
the out-of-body experience.

Now, let’s place our knees
in a locked position here,

ready to go.

Lean back. Yes.

Let the eyelids get lazy
and think of a feather.

I’m a feather.

I’m a feather and I’m off now.

I’m floating up,
going up now, soaring up.

Up, uptown the little shops
on Madison Avenue,

perhaps swooping down to pick up
that bracelet

or that beaded belt, remembering
you’re a feather now,

blowing, blowing,
blowing out now.

Let’s go over the ocean.

And we’re floating now
over Italy

and swooping down
to Milan to pick up

that little polo neck
cap sleeved sweater.

And I’m swooping now so fast I’m
going over to Paris for shoes.

Yes, shoes, shoes, shoes!

I’ll think
take those little sling bags.

Oh, I’m loaded down now
with bags and boxes,

getting heavy now.

Coming in for my landing
and blow it out,

we’re back.

Oh, I went away, didn’t I?

( laughter )

You know, sometimes it’s just
got to be about the soul.

We’re ready now for our guest,
a very special man,

the owner of Lyle’s Furrier.

Welcome, Jerry Lyle!

( applause )

Hi.

- How are you doing?
You look great.
- Oh, thank you.

- You’re so kind.
- Gosh, I had a great time
last night.

I’ll tell you that.
Am I allowed to say that on TV?

The cat’s out of the bag.

We had dinner last night,
and I love Chinese.

Yeah, and their food
in bed either.

( both laugh )

I’ll bet it’s not easy
to find a fury furrier with it.

- You got me so well.
- That can talk.

A furrier with a sense of humor.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

- So down to business.
- Yeah.

- First, you’re back
in fashion now.
- Yes.

They’re sold this season
as they were last.

Yes, absolutely, yeah.

Fur has made
a definite comeback,

although it’s never really
gone out of fashion.

You know, my business
certainly never suffered,

but to everyone’s designing now,

- all the collector lines
include fur.
- That’s so fascinating.

That’s--so you know, it’s a very
smart investment too.

It’s absolutely chic.

I think the full-length fur
is essential now

with the return
of the miniskirt.

Oh, speaking of the minis,
how high of hemline

do you think I could take?

Well, I’ll tell you,
just off the top of my head,

I’d say very high.

I mean, you don’t wanna hide,
you know,

keep those legs a secret.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
I’m a former model.

Yeah.

- I remember you mentioned
that last night.
- Yes.

Now fur makes a wonderful gift,
doesn’t it?

I suppose that and a diamond
is just about all a woman needs.

Well, you know, I can’t argue
with that, you know.

If you want a woman’s
undivided attention,

you just drop a fur on her
and see what happens.

Well, call me an animal,
but I love a chinchilla.

Yeah.

Well, what’s your favorite fur
this year?

Fox, I think, you know, is very
popular, white fox, silver fox.

Women are wearing sable jackets
and let me say this, you know,

I’m not one of those people who
go around clubbing baby seals.

Oh, I love clubbing.

- I can rumba
till the cows come home.
- Yeah.

You know,
there’s all this flap about fur.

Well, is fur inhumane?

Absolutely not, no,
animals are not endangered,

our parks are full of pigeons
and squirrels.

You wouldn’t catch me dead
wearing a squirrel.

And I’m getting a little bit
tired of this guilt trip

these animal lovers are laying
on all those things, you know,

- people who wear furs have no
conscience and things like that.
- So am I.

No one ever heard of them minx
until we made a stole out of it.

- Exactly!
- Well, you know what?

I’m finding that we have
an awful lot in common.

You know, I have a feeling
you’re a very deep lady, huh?

- How do you feel about--
- People say that.

( chuckles )
How do you feel about caging?

Very strongly.

- Tonight?
- Absolutely.

- Okay.
- Well, they’re waving at me.

We’ve got to go now
much to my sugar in.

Bye-bye now.
I’m Pat Stevens.

And I’m Jerry Lyle.

You’ve been watching
The Pat Stevens’ Show

with your host, Pat Stevens.

( phone rings )

Lambert & Fitch.

No, Mr. Hudnut is out to lunch.

( chuckles )
Yeah, you have to these days.

Okay, bye.

- Hi, Mr. Hudnut.
- Hi.

You got about 18 calls and--

Oh, listen, if Ted Rifkin calls,
tell him I’m not here, okay.

Ted Rifkin, all right?
I’m out.

Oh, Ted, hey.
Hi, buddy!

How are you?
Oh, he’s right in here, honey.

Why didn’t you tell me,
you little devil?

Now that’s exactly what I needed
to see you know that,

a friendly face.

We have to talk!

- Yeah, let’s talk, okay.
- Good, now when you--

But listen, before we start,

let me just throw something
at you, okay?

Christmas, the condo in Vail,
your family and mine.

I’m going. I got to go and
Helen, you know, and the kids.

I’ve got to be there,
but if you don’t go,

it’s a joke.

- You can stuff your condo, Bob!
- Well, think about it.

I mean, you don’t have
to answer it right now,

but we’re gonna get you
out there.

You know, you told me

to take out a $200,000 home
equity loan on my house

- and sneak it
into the market, right?
- I hear you.

In the last two weeks,
I have lost $78,000, $78,000!

I now have to sell my house

because you looked me
in the eye,

and you promised me

the stock market
will go up to 3,600 points.

- I’ve lost $78,000!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is this about?

I mean, is this about money?

I mean ’cause I know you.

I know what you’re about.

I’ve been in your house,

I’ve met your wife,
I’ve met your kids.

- I am gonna have--
- So don’t tell me
this is about cash, Ted.

I am gonna have
to sell my house.

Look, look, okay.
Just sit down.

Sit down and take a breath,

and let’s get to the bottom
of this, all right?

Now, what is this about?

What, is it a personal thing?

Are we all right?

’Cause you know,
that means more to me

than any money you or I lost,

and you know,
we’re both on the same boat.

Oh, so you’re telling me
three weeks ago,

you bought 4,000 shares of IBM?

Hm, listen, Ted.

If you wanna know
what I think,

I think I know
why you came over here.

- You came over here for me,
didn’t you?
- No!

Now, don’t answer that.

We don’t have
to get sentimental here.

But I’m in a little trouble
here, you know that.

I mean, you know,
this is not a victory for me.

This is not a V-J Day
for me here, but I’ll tell you,

I’ve got clients here that--
they saw this thing and, boom!

They’re right out the door.
You know Bernie.

Well, Bernie, you know,
called me today, chewed me up,

but that’s Bernie, you know.

You’re a giant and he’s panic.

I could hear it in his voice
over the damn phone.

But then a guy like you
walks in here

and I remember why I got
into this business

in the first place.

I’ll tell you something though,

when this job starts
being just dollars and cents,

that’s when I go to that condo
and I don’t come back.

Look, just sell my stock,
Bob, all right?

I want out.

Ted, you know how much money
was lost in the market

in the last three weeks?

$500 billion.

How much did you lose?

$78,000.

Ted...

You want some coffee?

No. Let’s stay on this, okay.

$78,000, all right, 78 grand.

Now, what happened
to that money?

I don’t know.

I mean, ’cause I think
that’s what’s on your mind,

is, "Where is my $78,000?"

- Am I close?
- Well, yeah.

Well, where did this money go?

Hell, I don’t know.

But you got
to remember the stock, okay?

I mean you still have the stock.

And what are stocks?

Pieces of a company.

That company didn’t go anywhere.

It’s the same company,
the same factories.

The value is still there.

The money is gone,
but the value is still there.

Thank God.

Well, listen to me.
You have my money.

You have the rest of my money!
I want it!

- I want my money.
- Hey, Ted, Ted, Ted,
wait a minute.

( sighs )

Ted, I’m gonna do something
I’ve never done before, okay?

I could get in a little trouble
over this,

but I trust you, okay?

I got a tip today
on something that--

well, let me make it short.

I want you to sell your IBM
and sink it all into Bio Chem,

reduced commission.

Look me in the eye, Ted.

Bio Chem.

No. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait a minute.

What do you want me to say?

That I don’t know
what I’m doing?

Okay, all right.
I don’t know what I’m doing.

But you know that
and I know that.

I know something else too.

Some people belong
in the stock market

and some people just don’t.

Now I think you’re one
of those people, you just don’t.

Bonds, tax-free municipals.

Okay, look.
I tell you what I’m gonna do.

Look, if it’s all right
with you,

I’m just gonna cash you out
right now, okay?

Okay.

Okay, what do we have here?

All right, 22--
we’ll just round that off, okay.

I’ll go with you to the bank.

- I’d like to do that
if you don’t mind, okay?
- Okay.

You see,
everything is handled properly.

- Is that all right with you,
pal?
- Yeah, thanks.

Okay, there you go.

- Thanks.
- Let’s go right over there
right now.

Oh, and listen, I’m dead serious
about Christmas,

you and Barbara.

- Francine.
- Francine and the kids.

( cheers and applause )

*

Real quick, got to say thank you
to everybody up here

and the cast,
and everybody, okay.

Happy Halloween!
Thank you.

( cheers and applause )

*