Original subtitles

Okay, I have been pounding the pavement

handing out resumes all over town.

I just don't understand why I haven't found a job yet.

Well, Tina, why didn't you ask me?

They're always looking for new people at my office.

I don't know. I mean, you know that I was fired

from my last three jobs and most recently was let go

because I fell in love with my married boss.

Well, yeah, honey, that's the stuff

we leave off the resume.

Tina, why am I down here as a reference?

Uh, because you own a Gap,

and I was your top salesperson three Christmases in a row.

Okay, here you go.

Tips are appreciated.

Oh! And I appreciate that you're my sister,

and I don't have to.

Don't worry.

I'll be able to tip soon. Holly's getting me a job.

Oh, yeah. We're gonna be working together,

just like you and Lauren.

Oh, that's great!

You guys are gonna love working together.

It was a little rocky for me and Lauren

in the beginning --

that time she ran my old business into the ground.

But I couldn't do it without her now.

I mean, she's so fun and warm,

And the customers just think she's great.

All right, look, geezer!

Uh...I got to go.

Uh...yeah, Lauren, I'll take care of it.

Hi there, sir. Good to see you again.

Can I help you?

Your coffee tastes like ass.

Well, we tried a new blend.

Perhaps it's the chicory you're tasting.

Just ass, that's all. Just ass.

Cold ass.

Okay, well, uh,

maybe a complimentary cupcake will make it up to you.

Not when they taste like feet.

All right, that's it.

Now you listen here, mister.

Every day you come in here with that sour puss,

and you tell me what's wrong with my business.

Well, my cupcakes are delicious. And the coffee's hot.

Now, if you don't like it, you can leave!

Otherwise, you just sit there,

and you eat your feet and drink your ass!

You see, that is why it is good to work with a friend.

We support each other.

We tag-team, you know?

Lauren and I are in this together.

Uh, he -- he dead.

What?

Val did it! She killed him!

I was nowhere near the guy.

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ You really know how to dance ♪

♪ When you go up, down, jump around ♪

♪ Talk about true romance ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Keep on whispering in my ear ♪

♪ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♪

♪ 'Cause it's true ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

What did I do? What did I do?

Val, you didn't do anything!

Oh, Lord, a dead man just rolled out the bakery!

[ Val ]: Oh, God.

Why did I yell at him? I killed him.

Val, would you stop it? It's not your fault.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I'm late for a meeting.

Would you kill me if I went?

You've seen what she's capable of.

No, go. I'll be fine.

Damn! My cell phone's dying too.

Boy, I tell you, when it rains...

I wonder how old he was.

I wonder if he had a family. A wife. A little dog.

Oh, don't go starting with the guilt.

It is a wasted emotion.

Said the girl eating the dead man's cupcake.

Don't worry. I'm eating from the other side.

Mmm.

Which is ironic,

because that's where he is now.

Lauren, how could you be so cold?

The poor man just died right in front of us.

Well, did you ever think that maybe I'm just in shock,

that maybe this is how I deal with death?

I'm sorry.

Is that true?

Okay.

I can't believe I yelled at him.

Why didn't I just give him the coffee?

Why did I have to go with the chicory? Oh, God!

She is such a drama queen.

You'd think somebody just dropped --

Oh, yeah.

What are we gonna do with the dead man's jacket?

It looks so empty without the dead man in it.

Lauren, for God's sakes, let this one be on the house.

Oh! I'm just looking for some identification

so I can get this back to his family.

Oh, look. How sad.

That must be a picture of his three sons.

His three handsome sons.

Oh, Val...

I am so sorry. I was wrong.

We should feel guilty.

Yes, we must go to that funeral

and purge ourselves of all this guilt.

Yes, that's what we should do. We should go to the funeral.

Yes. But first we need to go shopping

and pick up something in black

that shows off a little cleave.

Holly, thank you so much

for helping me get this job.

I really appreciate it,

and I promise you I will not let you down.

Are you kidding me?

You already make the best coffee ever.

Hey, Tyler.

Oh, hey, Dave. Oh, this is Tina.

She's the new office assistant.

- Nice to meet you. - Hey. Just in for my morning cheese doodles.

Ooh, ooh, let me get that for you.

Here you go.

That was fast. She's good.

Hey, are you pitching any promotional ideas

for Gwen Stefani's new single?

I heard whoever comes up with the best idea

is gonna get to work on her team.

Oh, my God, Gwen Stefani? Holly, that is so awesome!

I hope you get it.

That has been opened.

Do you know how many people have had

their gross, boogery fingers in here?

I can't snack on cootie doodles.

She's not as good as I thought.

Sorry.

Oh, my God, I've only been here a half hour,

and I've already screwed up. Holly, I am so sorry.

Okay, will you relax? You didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, God, I'm so stupid. Why didn't I think?

Okay, will you stop it?

I mean, it is just cheese doodles.

Now calm down, and I'm gonna think about

some ideas for Gwen Stefani.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you think of some ideas, too?

- Me? - Yeah. I'm serious. You should go for it too.

No, Holly, I appreciate it, but don't you want it, too?

Well, yeah, but if you get it, then I can brag

that I brought my smart friend on board.

It's a win-win.

Okay. Cool.

I'm gonna think of some ideas while I make more coffee.

No!

'Cause who really drinks coffee in the mornings?

Well, you must be one of the sons.

Oh, you're taller in person.

Do I know you?

You do now. I'm Lauren.

I'm Andy.

Hi, I'm Val -- from the bakery

where your father --

I'm so sorry.

Oh, so am I. Are you married?

No.

Oh, it must be so much harder to face this alone.

You know, my dad always talked about that bakery.

He said going there was the high point of his day.

You're kidding.

I mean, I know.

In fact, he kept telling me to stop by

because he knew I'd love it, too.

I was always too busy.

Oh, why? Are you a doctor?

Plastic surgeon.

Blackjack!

But you know, I don't think my dad was sending me there

for the cupcakes.

He kept telling me I had to meet the girl

who served him the cupcakes.

Oh! Well, that was me.

And I can't wait to tell you all of the conversations

I had with your father.

Andy, uh, there's something I need to tell you.

No. No, no. No, you don't.

No, Val was nothing but kind and warm and sweet

and loving to your father.

No, I have to say this.

Andy, I feel responsible.

You father passed away in my bakery.

Oh, you're the owner.

You're the one he wanted me to meet.

Wait. Well, how do you know he said "owner"?

He was old, and he slurred.

"Owner." "Lauren." They're like exactly alike.

Val, you know what my dad would have liked?

For you and me to have dinner together sometime.

She killed your father!

Holly, thank you so much for convincing me

to pitch my ideas to the boss.

Oh, my God, am I so glad that you did.

It's such a good experience, even if you don't get the job.

I got it!

What? Are you kidding me? Your first day here,

and you're on "team Stefani"?

Oh, I know what you're thinking --

now I'm gonna be too busy to make the coffee,

but don't you worry. I will find the time.

Here's hopin'.

Hey, so let me get this straight.

I told you you could do it, and you did it.

Oh, my God, so what was your idea?

Oh, God, get this.

I didn't even have to pitch him an idea.

He said he liked my enthusiasm.

Are you sure he didn't say "nipples"?

Tina, um, just out of curiosity,

did you wear your jacket into the meeting?

No. Why?

Because, um, I don't think that you got the job.

Your knockers did!

Well, they're attached to me, so thank you.

You knew how guilty I felt.

Are you that desperate to meet a man

that you would tell the son that I killed his father?

Oh, I was making conversation.

If Andy knew that you went to that funeral

just to hit on him, he would never date you.

Well, why do you think I didn't tell him?

There is something seriously wrong with you.

[ gasps ] You're just jealous

because after I told Andy that you killed his father,

He was totally into me.

Are you insane?

What is the matter with you?

I want to meet a man. So kill me.

That's just a figure of speech.

Okay, I mean, I know that you dress all,

you know, nakedy when we go out,

but, okay, you know, it's kind of inappropriate for work.

Hey, did I not get the job?

The three of you got the job.

I mean, do you not care that you got it that way?

Guys?

Stop talking to your boobs!

Ew! Do you not see how wrong this is?

What? Using what you have to get ahead?

Welcome to the real world, Holly.

Okay, yeah, well, that's not my world.

I mean, I get a job because of my talent,

my brains, my ideas.

So do I.

I mean, if I didn't have the idea to take off my jacket,

I would still be an assistant right now.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe

that I am actually friends with someone like you.

What?

[ shouting ] I cannot

believe that I am actually friends with someone like you!

Fine. Fine. Okay, if that's the way you feel,

then we are no longer friends.

If I need to discuss anything about work,

I'll have my assistant call your --

Ooh, wait! You don't have an assistant.

Oh, oh, I know. Maybe you can get your ideas

to answer your phone.

Well, at least my ideas are even!

[ gasps ]

You know what? We don't need Lauren and Tina.

All I need is you and this couch

and this ice cream and these peanut butter cups.

Oh, God.

Look what those bad girls have done to us.

I cannot believe Tina.

I mean, I am not gonna be friends with somebody

who, you know, flashes their goods

just to get what they want.

I mean, yeah, it's helpful

when you want to get into clubs,

but other than that, I'm out!

Yeah, how about Lauren? She's so desperate

to meet a guy, she doesn't care who she hurts.

Which is also helpful for clubs, but I hate clubs.

[ music playing on TV ] Ooh, "Gilligan's Island."

Oh, that always makes us feel better.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what I never figured out?

Why would a big movie star like Ginger

go on a 3-hour tour with a bunch of nobodies?

[ gasps ] This is my favorite one.

It's the one where they almost get off the island but don't.

Ooh.

[ Gary's voice ]: Mary Ann? Mary Ann, where are you?

In here, Professor.

What happened?

I know, I know.

I fell asleep out by the lagoon. Got a little sunburned.

But I have some exciting island news to tell you.

- Do you? - What's going on?

Little Buddy and I heard there's some exciting island news.

Yeah, did another Russian cosmonaut land on the island

and leave without us?

Hello, darlings.

What's all the commotion?

Thurston and I were in the middle of pitching wood,

and I have to get back before he realizes I'm not there.

What's going on?

I came as soon as I got into my push-up coconuts.

Okay, everyone, I know it's taken 12 years,

but I finally constructed a raft that will transport us

off the island.

- Yay! - Yay! - Yay!

Unfortunately, because of the size of the raft,

we're going to have to leave one of us behind.

- Boo! - Boo! - Boo!

Now, I'm going because, well, I built it.

And Gilligan and the Skipper are going

because of their navigation skills.

And Thurston and I are going because we're going

to give the Professor a lot of money.

Well, that leaves Mary Ann and Ginger.

So, gals, why don't you each tell us why you think

you should go?

Okay.

I am an excellent rower, and I'm also --

I'll be wearing this.

Ginger, it is!

Wait!

Oh, but that is so unfair!

Dear, dear Mary Ann,

we will miss you.

But I have been working my tail off for 12 years

baking pies, doing their laundry,

being "and the rest,"

And all Ginger has to do is...

Shake her ta-tas?

Exactly. Oh... I could just spit.

Dear Mary Ann,

we've all had a Ginger in our lives.

In my case, her name was Lauren,

my best friend -- a real good-time gal.

What?

- A harlot. - Huh?

A ho, dear.

Oh.

Gee. I don't know.

Maybe Ginger isn't so wrong, after all.

Maybe that is the way to get what you want.

But how would you feel about yourself if you did that, dear?

Bad?

Ping, ping, ping, angel.

You see, Ginger knows why they picked her,

and she has to live with that.

Eventually, gravity will catch up with her,

and all she'll be left with is a low self-esteem

and even lower coconuts.

Holy cow!

Here I was, feeling all bad for me,

because I'm gonna be all alone,

unless the Harlem Globetrotters come back -- they were nice.

But I should really be feeling bad for poor Ginger.

She's so insecure and has even lower self-esteem.

Exactly. What she needs is a friend who understands that

and helps encourage her to develop areas other than her --

[ Gary's voice ]: Mrs. Howell, we're leaving.

Ta-ta.

Oh, my God. I have been such a jerk.

Me too.

Lauren and Tina just have low self-esteem.

They are not the bad girls. We are.

God. I love this show.

I mean, we always learn something.

You know what we have to do.

We have to pass along Mrs. Howell's words of wisdom

to our friends.

No, we can't tell them that they have low self-esteem.

I mean, that's hurtful. We're talking about their innards.

I can't believe I've been so insensitive.

Oh...

So do you really think that Mrs. Howell would tell them?

Yes.

Okay, then that's what we'll do.

And I think that they'll be happy that we did.

- Low self-esteem?! - Low self-esteem?!

I know that it's not the easiest thing to hear,

but, you know, it's also not the easiest thing to say.

Oh, I don't know. It seemed to slip right off your tongue.

Oh, excuse me, but would a girl with low self-esteem

wear this?

I think that's kinda why you wear it.

That is so not true!

I do not have a problem with low self-esteem.

Do I?

A little bit.

Which is why I think you feel you have to throw yourself

at men.

You mean it's not just because I'm horny?

No!

It's because nobody's ever told you that you're smart

and talented.

And you have so much more to offer

than just your body.

I mean, I see what a great person you are.

You're sweet, you're fun, you make me laugh all the time.

I mean, when I have a problem,

you're the first person I go to.

I am?

Yes. I mean, you always have such good ideas.

You have so much more experience than I do.

I mean, you've been around.

Because I have low self-esteem?

But that is over.

You are so much more than that.

And I'm going to show you that you do not have

to whore yourself out at funerals anymore.

What about weddings and bar mitzvahs?

Oh, sweetie, you are such a good friend,

and I'm so sorry I accused you of murder.

That's okay.

No, it's not.

You were feeling guilty, and I knew that,

and I didn't care.

But today, you made me see what's really important.

What?

Oh, uh...

Uh...

That whenever you're feeling bad about yourself,

just come to me, and we'll talk about it together.

Yes! You and me!

We'll work on my crappy self-esteem together!

Holly, you are so right. I'm worthless.

I'm nothing!

No! No! You're clever, you're creative.

You know more about Gwen Stefani than she does!

I want you to march yourself right back

into the boss's office, just, you know, in a turtleneck,

and I want you to pitch your little heart out!

I can't!

Yes, you can!

No, I don't even own a turtleneck!

I hate this job! I don't even want this stupid job!

Oh! Ginger, come back!

Holly, you did the right thing.

Tina just needs some time to digest what you told her.

No, I shouldn't have tried to change her.

I mean, she was happier when she was Ginger

and I was Mary Ann.

Yeah, but was she really happy?

I mean, look at Lauren.

She was thrilled when I talked to her.

Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I'll be right back.

- Uh, hi. - Hi.

Have I told you how smart and talented you are?

Thank you. And now I'm just gonna serve

this nice customer his cupcake.

Okay.

Okay.

[ giggles ]

Hey.

Tina. Oh, I've been trying to call you.

I was so worried about you. Where have you been?

Well, I thought about what you said,

and I used my brain, and I came up

with some really kick-ass ideas,

so I went into the boss and I pitched them.

Good for you. Did he like them?

He said they were all lame!

Yay! What?

He didn't like one idea?

Nope, not a one. But he said I still had the job,

- so you know what I did? - I'm scared to ask.

I quit. Ha ha!

I don't want to get a job because of my body.

Good girl.

So, what are you gonna do now?

Well, you made me realize that I am kinda good

at a lot of stuff -- I'm just not sure what --

So I'm thinking about maybe taking some classes.

Oh, Tina, I am so proud of you.

In the meantime, I got another job.

Not happening!

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