Original subtitles

Hey, cuties!

I'm about to hit the red carpet with my manager Streeter.

- Say what's up, Streeter. - What's up!

Shout out to the Lord Jesus Christ

- and Sony Pictures. - And Sony Pictures.

For letting me and my fam come to the "When in Gnome" premiere.

Swipe up for tics.

God, why are we even going to this?

Um, because it's a hot, cool movie premiere.

Why would we not go?

I just thought my first premiere

would be for a movie that I was actually in.

I'm gonna get one of those red carpet pics

with a Getty Image watermark, send it to all my Ohio friends.

- You still talk to them? - Starting tonight, hopefully.

Damn it.

I don't think I got this fart commercial.

My agent said they were deciding today.

You two are very sexy people.

Thank you?

200 bucks, you let me lick your foot?

Oh, my God.

Absolutely.

Ew, Brooke, no.

What? It's 200 bucks.

It's not like I have to lick a foot.

I meant the boy.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Hm?

It is $200.

Hey, everyone, look over here.

You're not gonna want to miss this.

ChaseDreams, 3.2 million followers

across all social media platforms.

He sees you. Please, see him.

Let's squeeze in a little math homework real quick.

There it is, yeah, yeah...

A-plus.

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, congratulations on your wedding.

Oh, no, uh, we're here for the premiere.

Um, our tickets say "general admission,"

but I know that... Sharon wanted us to walk the red carpet.

You mean Shauna?

Damn, that was so close.

Nice try, but we can't let just anyone on the red carpet.

Oh, we're not... we're not "just anyone."

We're the Dreamses.

- We are Brooke and Cary Dreams. - No, I... I'm Cary Dubek.

I'm an actor on my own.

I got into NYU, actually.

I couldn't go, but I got in.

I'm not sure that's worth saying out loud.

Chase Dreams! Ashley from "Pop Goss."

- How are you? - I'm good, Ashley.

- How are you? - I'm great.

Now, tell our readers, boxers or briefs?

I don't know, whatever my mom buys.

Aw, cute. Red or yellow?

Red, but yellow's tight too.

Awesome. Israel or Palestine?

Um, I think they're both dope

and should just keep being true to themselves.

- Yes, absolutely. - Oh...

The situation's very complicated.

Damn it.

Let's just go in the main entrance...

Cary, we must live every day

like it's the last day that Chase is famous.

Ooh, I have an idea.

Follow me. Act confident. Grab something.

What?

Hurry, hurry, hurry-hurry-hurry, hurry.

Ugh, another red carpet!

And... and I brought napkins.

Chase, what's your favorite thing to snack on

when you're jamming out to music?

Um, I don't know. Everything's good.

Okay, well, we're streaming live on Bagel Bites TV.

So can you say Bagel Bites?

Oh, yeah. Bagel Bites!

Okay, great, but can you say it in a sentence

like, "I'm Chase Dreams and when I'm jamming out to music

I love to eat Bagel Bites!"

I'm Chase Dreams and when I'm jamming out to music

- I love to eat Bagel Bites. - ...eat Bagel Bites.

Okay, great. Congrats on whatever it is you do.

- Thanks. - Haley!

Why is everyone wearing jeans?

I thought they were rich.

Oh, yeah, I think if you're rich,

you can just wear jeans to things.

I want to be rich and wear jeans to things.

- Next. - Pick someone you look like.

Hi. I'm Tinsley Mortimer from "The Real Housewives."

And I'm... Ellen DeGeneres.

Nice try.

Please walk back by the bushes

where absolutely no one will photograph you.

Ellen.

Right this way.

I'm just gonna stick with Tinsley.

Thank you though.

This is bullshit.

I can't believe Tinsley Mortimer didn't work.

I mean, is it really that hard to believe

that she would be here?

That is rude to Tinsley.

Why isn't my agent calling me?

What's his name again? Shrimp Scampi?

"Skip Shamplin."

Didn't he almost boil to death or something?

Yeah, he fell asleep in a hotel hot tub.

See, we're laughing. We're having fun.

Tonight's gonna be great 'cause we're hot,

we're cool, and we're killing it.

Oh, hey, remind me, need to find a guy

to go home with tonight 'cause I don't have a house.

I thought you were crashing at work?

I got fired because one of the bitch agents

found my underwear in the oven.

Chase! Hi!

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, my God, how's your first red carpet?

Oh, I can't believe they flew you

all the way out here for this.

It was fun. Streeter's hair melted.

- What? - Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.

Hi. Streeter. Nice to meet you.

I'm, uh, Chase Dreams' manager.

Yeah, no, we met last week. We had a full meal together.

Oh, uh, gay brother. And, uh, girl sister.

Right... oh, you guys aren't getting married, are you?

Because that would be bad optics for this guy right here.

Although love is love is love is love,

as, uh, Linda Manuel once said.

It's uh, "Lin-Manuel Miranda."

Lin-Manu... who's Linda Manuel then?

- And why do I represent her? - Okay, buddy, let's get a pic.

- Yeah. - Mom wanted to see our outfits.

- Let's do it. - Yes, oh, let's get a picture!

Okay, here you go, Casey.

- It's "Cary." - Huh?

Take a shot. Here we go.

Everybody say, "Streeter's less of a manager,

more of a friend."

Please make your way into the theater!

"When in Rome" is about to begin.

I mean, uh... uh... ooh!

Kevin, you had one job.

"When in Gnome" is... is about to begin.

Okay, here we go.

Ride a Vespa?

I guess, when in a-gnome!

? Fast as you can run fast as you can ?

? Fast as you can run fast as you can ?

? Fast as you can run fast as you can ?

? Fast as you can run fast as you can! ?

? I know that you don't want me ?

? I'm gonna make you want me come... ?

You want me to eat-a this entire pizza?

I guess when in a-gnome!

- Hey, Skip. - Cary!

Great news. It's down to you

and one other guy for the commerc'.

Great!

The thing is, they want to make a decision by tonight.

So they'd like you to do one more read, okay?

They were hoping you could be a little less, uh,

a little less colorful.

Yeah, uh, yeah, what do you mean by colorful?

Uh, just, uh, a teensy less in your face.

Okay. I mean, the line's just

"Ha ha great party," and then I smell a fart.

- I... - Listen, kid.

You know how like, in real life, you're gay?

- Yes. - Well, the ad guys love that.

In fact, one of the guys wanted me to tell you

that his brother is also gay.

- Cool. - But the thing is

they think that the character is straight.

You know, because if you're gay

and you're at a party

- and you smell a fart... - Whoo!

I mean, that's a lot for an audience to digest

in 30 seconds, you know?

Their head's going, whoa-whoa-whoa, what's going on?

So they were hoping that you could read it straighter.

Um, sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I just... I really want to get this.

Um, I know I haven't, um, booked a lot in a while.

I... I don't even know how you're making money off of me.

- I just... - Cary!

Don't worry about me. I'm an agent.

I'm doing fine with money.

Hi. 85th and Columbus.

You got it.

That movie was so long.

It was 62 minutes.

Exactly. Nothing should be longer than a "Gilmore Girls."

- Mm. - Hi. Thank you.

Can you put these under Billy Eichner?

Wait, he's here?

Oh. I'm just assuming.

Anyways, the movie probably felt so long

because it was so problematic.

Totally.

But, like, how would you say it was?

Well, I mean, it was so racist to Italians.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yes. I love that we both hate racism.

- Yeah. - So...

Tell me more about yourself.

Like, where do you live? What kind of bed's in there?

- Well, I have a king-sized bed. - Okay.

- And I live in Midtown East. - Oh, no.

- I'm not going there. - What-what?

Ha ha, great party.

Huh-huh, great party.

Huh-huh, great party, dude.

It is a great party.

Glad you're having fun, man.

Oh, uh, no, no.

I'm, uh, I'm auditioning for a commercial.

I'm an actor, uh...

I actually went to the same theater school

as Patrick Wilson's cousin.

But I'm in New York now, mostly doing theater.

Or I... I want to start doing more theater.

Um...

Oh, my God, it's honestly so tragic.

I know. And in this climate?

Exactly!

Hi, I'm Brooke.

I was gonna wear jeans to this 'cause I'm rich,

but I just thought that was too obvious.

So that's why I'm in this huge gown.

- Cool. - Totally.

Our friend Zita was just talking about not having a job.

Wait, what?

Oh, my God, that makes me feel so much better.

I don't have a job either.

Yeah, I'm kind of spinning out

about what I'm gonna do next.

Zita, relax.

- You don't have to do anything. - Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Yeah, girl, this is the beauty of retirement.

You're retired?

- Yeah. - Of course.

We all are.

You know how it goes.

Your teens are for working.

Your 20s are for resting.

Well, what are your 30s for?

Making a global impact.

Oh, shit.

Brooke. Thank God.

- Here. - Oh, this party is not fun.

Yes, it is. I'm having fun.

- You are? - Mm-hmm.

Well, not like fun fun, but, you know, party fun.

What is... what?

Party fun, when everybody at a party

just agrees to perform fun at each other

and it's the collective effort that makes it fun!

You know, like, uh, like this little model girl.

She's not having fun fun.

Yes, I am.

Okay... yeah, but you know,

when you're alone with your thoughts in bed tonight,

you're not gonna look back at this party and think,

"That was fun fun."

Yes, I will.

I'm having the time of my life.

And I'll think back often to just how much fun this all was.

Okay, well, she's a model. She doesn't know her own brain.

I'm not a model. I'm an EP on the film.

Jesus.

Okay, well, your movie's racist.

Yeah, so now I'm focusing on theater mostly.

- Cool, um... - I think.

Do you know where all the celebrities are?

I thought Tinsley Mortimer was here.

Oh, uh, I think she got turned away at the door.

Oh, I could have sworn I saw her.

I haven't seen ChaseDreams yet either.

I wanted a picture.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, I haven't... I haven't seen him in a while.

But if I do, I'll send him your way.

- What was your name? - Brittlyn.

And thank you.

I love ChaseDreams.

He's, like, the cutest boy in the whole world.

Cutest boy?

Everyone's saying I should incorporate,

but I don't know if it's worth it.

I think it is, 'cause you could deduct

all your business expenses.

Think about every time you fly.

I just feel so dumb about this stuff.

Like, should I get an LLC or an S Corp?

What do you have?

Um, you know, actually...

I don't... I don't think... I'd get either

in this climate.

Hey, Streeter, I can't find you guys.

- Can you put Chase on? - Chase can't talk right now.

- His neck is bound. - What?

Yeah, I'm just trying to keep his Adam's apple under control.

Gotta keep that neck looking young and slick.

Ew, don't do that.

Where are you?

Uh, we're on a plane to Pittsburgh.

- What? - Yeah.

He's got a concert at 9:00.

How? He has one song.

Well, the grind never stops.

So what are you doing, gay brother man?

Still tearing it up at the, uh, AP?

The after-partay?

I'm sure Brooke is. She loves this kind of stuff.

She's probably having fun around here somewhere.

Well, um, this woman named Brittlyn

wanted a photo with Chase, but I guess whatever.

Brittlyn? Oh, my God.

That would have been huge for Chase.

She's, like, the biggest 11-year-old on Instagram.

Her makeup tutorials are, like, next level.

What? Brittlyn is 11?

She looks like she's 30.

Yeah, I said her makeup tutorials are next level.

Wow, you look like a princess.

I thought so too.

- You really do. - Oh, my God, girl.

I'm so happy to see you. I swear to God, I feel like

I'm the oldest person at this party.

Oh, tell me about it.

- I'm basically a dinosaur. - Yeah.

I just want to go home. It's, like, way past my bedtime.

Oh, totally.

It's... too bad I can't go home,

'cause I don't have one.

- Oh, that's so sad. - It's fine.

Do you want to come to my house?

Wait, really? Like, right now?

Yeah, we could have a sleepover.

Okay! Yeah, I mean...

God, I haven't done one of those since I was 10.

Oh, me either.

I just have to take a bath before we go to bed.

Okay, yeah. You know, do you, girl.

It's not even like I want to. It's like I have to.

Wow.

I mean, this place is amazing.

Is it just you?

No, my mom lives with me.

But she's upstairs sleeping. She's really old.

Aww. That's so sweet of you.

Oh, thank you.

I really needed another drink.

Mm. Wow!

That's good. Can't even taste it.

Ah...

- Uh, should I order food? - Oh, yeah.

I just want tater tots with a side of ranch.

Okay, literally, that's exactly what I want.

We are best friends. We are going camping.

Oh, I just went camping with my dad.

Oh. Just the two of you?

Yeah. We're super close.

Oh. That's cool.

Uh... My dad's dead.

He is?

- Your dad died? - Mm-hmm.

Like, six... six months ago?

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

Yeah.

It is sad.

It's so sad!

Your daddy's dead!

Oh, no!

My daddy's dead.

My daddy's dead.

Hello?

Cary! Great news.

The ad guys believed you're a fan of the puss.

You got the part.

Yes. Oh, my God.

Oh, this is so great.

Oh, I really needed this.

Uh, and... and thank you for dealing with this so late.

I'm sure you're... I'm sure you're at home by now.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I'm always working.

- Hi, two bean burritos? - You got it.

? 'Cause I look like money ?

? Lookin' like money ?

? Hundred dollar bills ?

? Got me stripping for my grill ?

? Yeah we look like money ?

? Lookin' like money ?

Wait, what? I booked the role?

The main role?

Wha... Awesome.

Cha-ching!

Wait, wha... really?

I booked the TV role?

Wha... that is...

Me, Cary Dubek?

Who would've... who would've thought?

I mean, at first, I thought it was gonna be fun

to see 50 dicks, but then I got to 8,

and I was like, "Ugh! This is exhausting!"

Also, most dicks are gross.

Ew, I never ever want to see one.

I mean...

not never, but...

Hey, do you want to come up to my room?

I could show you some of my toys.

You have toys?

Yeah, I have a bunch of them.

Maybe you and I could play with them?

Okay. Yeah, great.

- Kay. - You go on ahead and I'll

just... I'll catch up with you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

"Play with toys"?

This woman wants to have sex with me.

Hey, GB!

Chase can't talk right now. We're dying his tongue.

Dying his tongue?

Yeah, we're just trying to get it a little pinker.

You know, girls don't like a pale tongue.

Well, uh, I was just calling to tell Chase

that, um, I... I booked that commercial.

It's kind of a big deal.

I think it's, like, $30,000.

Whoa, 30K!

That's, like, 3 Instagrams for Chase.

Wait. How much does he make from...

Hold on a second.

Cary, I have an emergency.

Where are you? I'll come find you.

- I'm in SoHo. - What?

Why does everyone keep leaving me?

I didn't want to come to this.

Okay, Cary, you know how I've always prided myself

on probably being bisexual?

Well, I went home with this girl Brittlyn

who, you know, offered me a place to crash

and now she wants to have sex and...

I'm not into it.

I mean, am I a straight woman? That is nothing anymore.

Wait, Brittlyn?

Is she wearing so much makeup?

Yeah, I mean, it looks amazing.

She should do tutorials.

She doesn't want to have sex with you.

That's rude.

She's, um, she's 11.

You went home with an 11-year-old girl.

In this climate?

15 minutes?

Oh, hey.

- Congrats on the part. - Oh.

Thanks. How'd you know?

You were walking around the party,

making a bunch of fake phone calls.

Oh. No, no, no, those calls...

those calls you were hearing, they were very real.

Those were real people on the other line.

It's okay, we've all done it.

Yeah, I actually had to

re-tape myself in the bathroom just to get the part.

Ew, I hate that. I always get, like,

"Great, but can you do it again, like, less gay?"

It's like, "No. Fuck you. Either cast me or don't."

Yeah, no, uh, for me, it was...

they just wanted it louder.

Mm. Well.

Congrats. And, uh, have a good night.

Morning!

- Do I smell bacon? - No.

Sorry. Can I smell bacon?

No, but

I did make you something even better.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Cary, the watermark looks so real.

I know, right? I even gave you

a little glamour mole, 'cause I know you've always wanted one.

Aw, it's perfect.

Hey, sister roomie.

Hey!

Okay, I'm gonna email this to all my Ohio friends.

"Hey, girlies.

"Long time, no talk. We should really hang soon.

"Maybe camping?

Anyway, how are you? I'm doing see attached."

Oh, my God, they are going to be so jealous.

It's insane. Send.

And so I ask you, Governor, why is it that

five years later, the people of Flint

still do not have clean drinking water?

Sorry.

I think this girl I grew up with got married at a movie premiere?

I think she also grew a new mole.

Anyway.

I actually did a lot of theater in college.

Um, yeah, I was weirdly in a main stage

my freshman year, which was sort of a big deal.

Um, yeah, and this was the theater school

where Patrick Wilson's cousin went.

I... I didn't know him, but...

We really had to produce an actual event

- and then shoot at it. - Hold.

I... quit.

Hey everybody, welcome to The Other Show, I'm Sarah.

And I'm Chris.

And we're here talking about episode two

of The Other Two with Drew and Helene.

- Yay! - Hi!

Hello.

So this episode is Chase Goes To A Premiere.

Hey cuties, I'm about to hit the red carpet

with my manager, Streeter.

Say what's up, Streeter.

Wazzup!

So this episode, a lot of our season takes place

at big events for Chase and this is the first one of those

where we had to produce a movie premiere

and then we shot our episode at it.

It was unbelievable.

We just wanted it to feel legitimate,

Because we wanted to help legitimize Chase

and the world that these two doofs are entering.

You know how like in real life, you're gay?

Yes.

Well, the Ad guys loved that, in fact one of the guys

wanted me to tell you that his brother is also gay.

Cool?

But the thing is,

they think that the character is straight.

More than 12 years ago I went in for an audition,

I don't even know what it was for,

but all I had to do, I didn't have any lines,

I just had to pantomime laying fertilizer.

I just had to mime laying fertilizer and say no lines,

and then when I was done they were like,

"That was great, that was great."

So I think this is sort of like,

a suburban guy, think he's got a wife,

so I was trying to get a little more,

basically saying a little straighter

without saying it, and I was like,

how do I mime laying fertilizer straighter?

Though, I can see it was probably pretty gay.

So I was like, what do I do?

So then I just did it again but I was sort of like...

And I just coughed and cleared my throat because I was like,

I guess a straight person would cough more while he did it.

And then I got it and I've been in those commercials

for years, you've seen it.

It's played for comedy that you had to re-shoot this

audition and do it less gay...

- Yeah. - ...but then at the very end

where you feel guilty that you allowed yourself to do that.

Yeah, you kinda see Cary sort of dealing with

internalized homophobia at the end

- with the waiter being like, - Yeah.

he's... he's like...

oh, no, no, no, for me it was just, they wanted it louder,

you know, and like...

I've dealt with that in real life,

you know, where you're self-hatey.

Being a queer actor, you're trying to get,

navigate this world that's a very difficult area

that you make missteps in and it's like...

Well, it's like, what do other people want you be?

But then regardless of what they want, will I allow myself

to change because of what I think people want?

Yeah. I feel for Cary. I feel like...

to talk about the characters, you know.

I feel for Cary.

But it's like, you know...

He's in like a tough, you know,

because you're like, oh, I need this money,

Totally, totally.

I'm gonna throw myself out the window.

No, I like that it never occurred to him when his agent

was like, do it again, less gay.

He's like, okay, that's what you gotta do

- and then you're like, oh, duh. - Yeah.

- It is... - Yeah.

- ...rough. - Yeah.

It's so sad!

Your daddy's...

dead!

Oh, no!

My daddy's dead?

Kate Simses plays Brylyn.

We really, going into casting,

couldn't tell if we should cast young

and make them look older or cast older

and just be like, they're 11.

I guess we didn't know what was gonna work comedically.

Kate made me laugh so hard,

it was so hard to keep a straight face

when she was going into like,

bursting into tears about my daddy being dead

and her face was just so, like she was so deeply,

and even in-between takes, Kate is such a sweet person

that the whole picture was just unbelievable.

Yeah, because the idea of that character is very broad

or almost sketchy so we were trying

to make sure it's still grounded,

but she was so good and like,

so funny but still real even though it was so preposterous.

She's great, I loved her.

- Brooke, thank God. - Here.

This party is not fun.

Yes, it is.

I'm having fun.

This episode also has my favorite unspoken joke in it,

which is: you get drinks for you and Cary

and you guys meet back together and you give him

the little pink martini glass and you drink the whiskey,

which is what Chris and I do and we often order those things

and then get delivered them opposite

and then we silently switch.

Ho ho, great party, dude.

It is a great party.

Glad you're having fun, man.

Oh, I'm...

No, no, I'm uh...

I'm auditioning for a commercial.

The fun thing about that fart commercial is

this is the third time it's been written

because we tried it twice at SNL as a sketch.

- Yeah. - We tried it once with Paul Rudd

and once with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

It went really well at the table

and then at dress rehearsal it ate shit.

Died.

Because the whole sketch was predicated

on him making very small fart smells,

- Right. - so it's very subtle and small and just

a huge audience, it's not gonna work.

- Yeah. - And then we were like, well,

we'll try it again with Julia Louis-Dreyfus,

and it got pulled, it didn't work again.

And we were like, you know what? You know what this is missing?

Drew Tarver.

Julia couldn't make it. Paul Rudd couldn't make it work.

I make it work.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com