Original subtitles

I thought you said you were going to the library.

I thought so, too, but I literally can't get off Facebook.

I literally don't think you know what "literally" means.

Oh, knock it off, Marty.

I joined to connect with my classmates.

Three days later, I'm friends with everyone I've ever known,

including all our friends from Bayonne.

Remember that crazy guy who lived on our block, with the pet porcupine?

Petey porcupine! Of course I do!

- We're friends. He's got a parakeet now. - Oh, I got to see this.

There he is! Petey!

What, um... What party is that?

Uh, the album says "Kevin's 40th."

I don't remember getting an invitation to that.

Me neither.

Is that Kristen's engagement party?

I can't believe she didn't invite me!

Deb, Deb, I'm sure that was just an oversight.

She wouldn't do that.

Oh, my God. We've lost touch.

Now we're off the invite list!

Maybe they're angry because we never invited them here.

We never even had a housewarming.

Well, what the hell have we been doing with ourselves?

♪ On the first day of Oscar, my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Sandra Bullock defying Gravity ♪

Hello, Weavers! Do you know it's Oscar season?

Yes, Larry. You called us the morning of the nominations.

I'm making our Oscar-night itinerary.

I thought we could start watching

the "what are they going to wear at the pre-show pre-show,"

followed by the "most likely to not fit in their dress"

red carpet special," followed by the Oscars.

Weavers, why are you not rejoicing in Oscar merriment?

Does someone need some Oscar caroling?

♪ On the second day of Oscar, my true love game to me ♪

Osage county" ♪ and Sandra bullock defying Grav... ♪

Guys, guys, I'm sorry,

but we're in the middle of some heavy Facebook stalking here.

Our old friends from Bayonne

stopped inviting us to their parties.

We've just been so preoccupied with our own lives.

Impossible.

You, Debbie Weaver, thinking only of yourself?

Crazy ***

Marty, maybe we should have a party,

get the gang back together.

It's a great idea, Deb, but a party for what?

I mean, the Super Bowl's over.

♪ On the third day of Oscar, my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Captain Philips fighting pirates ♪

♪ and a skinny McConaughey ♪

He only ate one chicken breast a day.

Now, that is acting.

Let's throw an Oscar party! Reconnect the old gang!

They'll forget we ever left Bayonne.

It'll be like old times.

♪ Bradley Cooper hustling

♪ Robert Redford sailing

♪ "12 years a slave" ♪ "12 years a slave"

not exactly like old times.

♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪

♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪

♪ then the humans moved next door ♪

♪ started testing all our limits ♪

♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪

♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes. ♪

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And the DVR is set for Oscar night.

Oh, I'm so excited to catch up with everyone.

I have never laughed harder than at Kevin's Halloween party.

Oh, God. His Lady Gaga impression is hilarious.

Who? Who's hilarious?

- Our friend Kevin. - No, no,

I'm your hilarious friend. Remember?

Me?

Wife, remind them.

Oh, do you remember his bit about the black box?

Why don't they just make the whole plane out of that thing?

He's like a white Jim Gaffigan.

Okay, let's see if anyone has responded to our invite.

Well, this is awkward. We didn't get our invite yet.

Yeah, we just assumed you'd show up.

Oh, great. Yeah. Okay, we'll be there.

Sidney Crosby! Slap shot!

- Max! - No house hockey!

But I have to practice. I've got tryouts this weekend.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot about that.

Hey, mom.

Did you see that I accepted your Facebook friend request?

Yes! Thanks so much for doing that...

So, now that we're friends,

I feel totally cool about asking you to borrow the car.

I want to go to an art exhibit.

Well, actually, it's a concert, but it's a Kanye concert.

And he is the greatest artist to walk the planet,

- according to Kanye. - Fine. You can use the car

as long as you take your brother to his hockey tryouts.

You know what? Take Abby with you

because we have a lot to do for this party,

and we don't want any distractions.

Oh. So, now that I'm doing you a favor,

I guess there's no more need to brownnose.

- What? What are you doing? - I'm de-friending you.

De-friend? Humans do that?

Oh, yeah. All the time.

Family, thank you all for assembling on such short notice.

Make this quick. I have a batch of shrinky dinks in the oven.

It's come to our attention

that humans have no problem

getting rid of friends they deem "unnecessary."

Long story short...

There's a possibility that we could be de-friended

by the Weavers.

They're having an Oscar party

in which they're going to reconnect with their old friends.

When the Weavers left Bayonne,

we thought they had left their old life behind them.

But it appears that their old friends

hold a very special place in their hearts...

A special place

which may not have room for us.

So we'll cut open their hearts to make room.

Aren't you guys overreacting?

You were invited to the party, weren't you?

Only after we asked.

Dear God. We invited ourselves?

We've become those people.

Father, we've always been those people.

We must figure out how to become

as indispensable to the Weavers as oxygen...

Or reality television.

All right, "operation indispensable to the Weavers"...

Let's brainstorm. There are no bad ideas.

- Well, we could try to... - That's a terrible idea. Reggie?

We paint them a wall mural but work really, really slowly

so every day, they need us

to come over and paint just a little more.

That is genius.

But we don't have any smocks.

Oh, damn it. Oh, well.

Wife?

If the Weavers want to throw an Oscar party

for their Bayonne friends,

let's help them make it the best Oscar party ever.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm only saying the one thing, so probably.

My dinks!

I bet you Sidney Crosby doesn't have his sisters

cramping his style.

Just lay low and don't embarrass me.

It smells like feet in here.

That would be the men.

Boy, am I glad hockey season's starting.

They started letting girls on my son's soccer team.

Now it's all, "my cleats don't match my ponytail."

Thank God for hockey.

If I wanted to watch women ruining sports, I'd watch the WNBA.

Just kidding.

I'd never watch the WNBA.

It's 2014. Are we still making WNBA jokes?

Abby, hear me out.

There comes a time in every woman's life

when she must put aside fear and doubt

and boldly confront the masculine barriers

that keep us down.

Not following. Try less words.

There's a glass ceiling in this hockey rink,

and it needs to be shattered.

But glass ceilings are nice.

They let in sunshine, and you can see the clouds.

Okay, Abby, I need you to sign up for the hockey team and beat the boys.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

Abby, what are you doing?

My name is Abby Weaver,

and I would like to audition for your hockey show.

How's it looking, babe?

Not good. Only two couples are coming.

The rest wrote things like,

"we really wanted to see your fancy new house,

"but I guess it's just another night

in stinkin' Bayonne for us."

They resent us, Marty.

We moved on up. We're the Jeffersons.

So, what do we do, weezie?

I think we need to throw an old-school Bayonne shindig.

That way, the couples that do come

will go back and tell everyone else that we're

the same down-to-earth Marty and Debbie from Bayonne.

I'll make Bayonne bombers.

Ooh! Who can resist three parts beer,

one part pineapple juice, and an olive?

Marty, you know what this party really needs?

Big Deal Lasagna?

Five meats, four cheeses, three sauces,

eight delicious layers!

Nothing screams "Bayonne" like rolling out the B-D-L, baby.

Okay, we only have a few hours.

If we rush, we can get back in time

to throw in the lasagna and ladle some bombers.

Good idea. We do a quick trip to the store, just get what we need.

A quick trip to the bulk store is not possible for us.

I didn't need that tire, but for $39? Come on.

Okay, let's pull it together

for a chill, laid-back Oscar night.

Look, everyone!

It's America's favorite couple...

The Weavers!

Larry, what's going on?

You wanted an Oscar party. We give you the Oscar party.

How's that for indispensable friends?

Why are Carrot Top and Erik Estrada

in our living room?

Oh, my God.

Chips?

Dude, that's classic.

Chips... didn't need to go to the trunk for that one.

What charity is this for, again?

I have no idea. I-I come to everything.

We sent out handwritten invitations to 500 celebrities,

and the best two showed up!

Welcome to your star-studded Oscar party!

Brought to you by the Bird-Kersees and Magnum!

The ice cream, not the condoms.

Enjoy your gift bags!

Indispensable friends! Indispensable friends!

Indispensable friends!

Hold on a second. I got something for you.

Let me see.

Indispensable friends, could you find me

a glue gun and maybe a picture

of Jennifer Aniston... Or Courteney Cox?

Thanks, Marty.

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I don't know what to say.

Aww, we know. You're welcome.

What the hell is that?

Looks like someone's never seen a caviar fountain before.

I used to have one of these in the '80s.

Hello, Weavers, and welcome to your Oscar party!

I used to have one of these cue my opening number.

No, dick, they cut your number for time, remember?

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

And now for a final touch of glamour...

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...

What?

Look-alikes.

Steve Watson and Tina menendez!

Well, I mean, I guess if you squint,

they kind of look like them.

Marty, we have to get rid of all of this stuff

before our friends show up.

You sure about this? It gets pretty rough out there.

Max, I've seen "The Little Mermaid on Ice" three times.

I think I'll manage.

Poor kid.

Look at this.

Someone's lacing up her figure skates.

Hey, Kyle, there's gonna be a girl on the ice.

Don't let her slow you down.

Her? Please.

Abby, get Kyle.

On it.

Hey!

Way to go, Abby!

Don't let those boys slow you down!

Don't worry. Kyle could always join the wnba.

Oh, this is so fancy.

This is not exactly what we were expecting.

Yeah, when did you guys start hanging out with celebrities?

Oh, we don't.

I think they know our neighbors.

You know us. We're the same down-to-earth people.

Yeah, I mean, just because we don't live in Bayonne anymore

doesn't mean we're not Bayonne people, right?

Can I please just get some ice?

"Can I please get some ice? Can I please get some ice?

Can I please get some ice?"

Here. Aghhhh. It's a party.

See? It's like we never left Bayonne, right?

I hope you guys brought your appetites,

'cause guess what I got in the oven.

Uh-oh. Did someone make a B-D-L?

You got it.

Hey, hey, if that stands for "big deal Latino"

I'm already here.

Sorry, Mr. Estrada.

It stands for "Big Deal Lasagna,"

and it's gonna be an even bigger deal

than you guys even remember.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Who wants a Bayonne bomber?

Champagne?

Hey, I haven't had champagne since my wedding. This is fancy.

Actually, Larry, we were just about to have some Bayonne...

You must be Kevin. I hear you do a killer Lady Gaga impression.

I dabble in impressions myself.

Deb!

Deb! Deb! Deb! Deb!

I can't find my pants!

See, I'm Marty.

And that's... That's his wife.

Deb!

You guys have met some new, interesting friends.

Don't mind them. They're just our neighbors.

Just neighbors.

We've been been such indispensable friends.

We've thrown them

the Oscar party to end all Oscar parties.

How could this happen?

Okay, listen up, everyone. Lasagna's almost ready.

Pardon.

Hey, Debbie,

I'm gonna need you to clear this area for the big dance number.

It's got a really cool finish.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Had a really cool finish.

Now, that is what I call smashing the glass ceiling.

It wasn't that hard.

I'm pretty sure I'm the best skater out here.

Great.

Now she's gonna get the last spot on the team.

Well, she is good.

But for once I wanted to be

the Weaver that's good at something.

I mean, Abby's good at everything.

Now I'll never be the goodest at anything.

"Goodest" isn't a word.

Yeah, because that's exactly what I needed to hear right now!

I am woman! Watch me score!

Taste it, Kyle!

I've created a feminist monster.

And now an interpretive dance

inspired by the hit movie "Gravity."

Blast off.

Beep-beep. Boop-boop-boop-boop.

Beep-beep-beep. Beep.

Beep-beep-boop-boop. Beep-beep-beep-beep.

Beep-beep. Boop-boop.

Beep-beep-beep-beep.

No! No!

This party has been hijacked, Marty.

Our friends are gonna go home tonight,

and they are gonna think we are total weirdos.

We're never gonna be invited to anything ever again!

Don't freak out, Deb.

We're gonna get this party back on track.

B-D-L, baby.

B-D-L.

Thank God.

Who remembers this old dish?

B-D-L, baby!

Aw, with all the caviar and the Magnum,

I can't eat another bite.

Mm, yeah, I'm so full, I can't even look at it.

I'm stuffed full of entertainment.

That interpretive journey of Dick and Reggie's

from space station to space station

- was a revelation. - All right, that's enough!

This lasagna was supposed to remind our friends

of the time we spent together in Bayonne...

When we got get together and, you know, ate lasagna.

This isn't about lasagna, is it?

No, it's not.

It's about the party, which you have ruined.

Oh. We don't deserve that, Debbie Weaver.

All we've done is put on the Oscar party of the century

and shown your friends a good time.

Well, they are not having a good time.

Actually, we're having a pretty great time.

It's fine, guys

- you don't have to pretend that this is not weird. - Weird?

Well, all this time, we were afraid

that you were going to de-friend us.

Well, status update...

The Bird-Kersees are de-friending the Weavers...

And putting an end to this Oscar charade.

Just a spoonful of sugar.

Oh, my God.

What did I miss?

Family! Out!

Now, this is an awkward pause, huh?

Awkward paws?

- Shut up, carrot top! - Shut up, carrot top!

Yeah! Nice shot, Abby!

You're a real Sidney Crosby!

Hear that? I'm a real Bill Cosby.

Abby, this might sound confusing,

but I need you to take a dive for Max...

Just pull back a little.

What about shattering glass with woman power?

Well, all those things still apply.

But just this once, we're gonna make an exception

'cause he's your brother.

I don't know.

You can't put a lid on greatness.

Hey, we didn't mean for this party to get so crazy.

I mean, all of this... It's not really us.

Our neighbors can get a little out of hand sometimes.

Ah, don't worry about it. We got to get going anyway.

I don't trust my wife around Estrada.

Yeah, he's my hall pass.

Wait a minute. You guys are leaving?

I mean, the Oscars haven't even started yet.

Yeah, I got to get to work in the morning,

and the drive back is really long.

Plus, the turnpike is horrible on Sunday.

I wish you guys wouldn't have moved so far away.

What?

I mean, we thought you guys

didn't invite us to parties in Bayonne anymore

because you didn't want to hang out with us.

No, we just assumed you didn't want to make the drive back.

But it seems like you've made some really great new friends.

Yeah, and they're so creative and fun.

You must never be bored.

Yeah, well, there's actually never a dull moment around here.

Yeah, I mean, that Reggie kid

choreographed a heart-wrenching interpretive dance using silks.

I mean, who does that?

Pretty much only them.

That was pretty amazing, actually.

I wish I had friends who would throw a party like this for me.

Well, crap.

We are the worst, aren't we?

We are.

♪ Fire and ice

♪ you come on like a flame, then you turn a cold shoulder ♪

♪ fire and ice

♪ I wanna give you my love

♪ but you'll just take a little piece of my heart ♪

♪ you'll just tear it apart

♪ I've seen you burn 'em before ♪

♪ fire and ice

♪ you come on like a flame then you turn a cold shoulder ♪

♪ fire and ice

♪ I wanna give you my love

♪ but you'll just take a little piece of my heart ♪

Yeah!

All right, Max!

- Good shot, Max! - Go, Weaver!

We're good sisters.

The goodest.

Who is it?

- It's us. - Us who?

It's Marty and Debbie.

Marty and Debbie...

Oh, you mean our acquaintances from next door?

Open the door, Larry.

Guys, look, we messed up, okay?

We're really, really sorry.

How could you do that?

And on Oscar Sunday, no less. I don't understand.

You're right.

We were totally focused on doing things for our old friends

that we failed to appreciate

all the wonderful things you guys did for us.

They were pretty wonderful, and you didn't even get to

the poorly edited "tribute to editing" montage.

So, what do you say we spend some quality time together

watching the greatest awards show on television

with our greatest friends?

She means us, right?

Yes!

You guys are a very big deal. You're our lasagna.

What about your friends from Bayonne?

Oh, they left early because the drive was so far.

It turns out that's why they stopped inviting us to their parties.

It was a lot easier

thinking it was because we were too fancy,

but it's rough to find out that we're just not worth the drive.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm not. They're idiots.

- Larry? - Yeah, they're idiots.

I mean, if they don't come and visit you

because it's too far, then they're idiots.

There's no drive too long

that would prevent us from coming to visit you.

♪ stronger together

we would go to the ends of the universe to see our best friends.

♪ We'll carry on

there's nowhere you could go where we wouldn't find you...

Literally nowhere. ♪ we'll be forever

Wherever you go, we will find you.

You'll never get away from us. ♪ where we belong

Those tracking devices we implanted will help. ♪ where we belong

We'll just... we'll deal... We'll deal with that later.

Guys, let's go watch the Oscars. ♪ ooh, stronger together

I can't wait to see what the phone from "Her" is wearing.

♪ I believe in you

You know, the caviar

really brings out the flavor of these corn chips.

- Chip? - Yes?

That never gets old, probably, huh?

None for me. I'm watching my weight.

Nice!

Ginger pound.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Facebook friends photo, anyone?

Aww, Jackie, that's exactly what I wanted.

Quick. Before the "in memoriam" montage starts

and I mess my face.

From soup to nuts,

this has been an Oscar day to remember.

Hands off, ponch.

Photo bomb!

Shut up, Carrot Top!

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