Original subtitles

Oh, I wish someone had warned us there was

so much cleaning involved with being a parent.

- Have you seen Reggie leave for school yet? - Nope.

No, he hasn't left yet, or no, you haven't seen him leave?

Second one. Seriously?!

I can't watch Reggie's house all morning.

I have to get ready for school.

Well, you could just not worry about

- when Reggie leaves for school. - Oh, sure.

I'll just leave the house at the same time

as the guy I broke up with and walk to the bus with him.

That's a super-smart idea, Martin.

I also wish someone had warned us about all the sarcasm.

Hmm.

[Sighs] Good morning, husband.

Husband. Hello? [Snaps fingers]

Oh! Hey, bro.

Just listening to an obscure guy's album

which hasn't come out yet.

It's life-changing. [Chuckles]

Just practicing my aloof coffee-shop-guy attitude.

These aren't plugged in to anything.

- That's very impressive. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Are they not as highfalutin as what you wear

at your job at the Taco Shack?

Taco Castle.

And I wish you weren't so dismissive of my career.

I've been to your work dozens of times.

You've not been to mine once.

Well, I have a good excuse.

I have no interest in your job.

Good morning, parents.

Have you by any chance noticed if Amber has left her house yet?

Ooh, sorry.

I think it's Dick's turn to watch the Weaver's.

Dick: We've discussed this already.

The morning shift is impossible for me.

Do you think I just wake up looking like this?

You see, Amber has been staggering her departure time...

Is this what humans do when they suffer a serious breakup?

They play hide-and-seek?

I-I-I wish we could be of more help, son,

but I'm afraid we're a little...

Useless! You two are totally useless.

[Groans] Oh, honey, I know it's hard.

But you are gonna get over Reggie.

Let go. I'm totally over Reggie.

It's been three weeks, and, in case you forgot,

I broke up with him.

Well, it... it doesn't seem like you're really over him.

So...

Really? It doesn't?

No. Well, I am.

And if you insist on me proving it to you,

I'll just have to go over there and tell Reggie how it is now.

I wasn't insisting on that.

It's not all that rewarding, parenting, is it?

Let's stop.

How long must you play hide-and-seek?

I don't know. I'm just following Amber's lead.

We might never speak again, but I'm okay with that.

Hi, Reggie!

Amber! You're back! I'm so happy! I love you!

No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, we're not getting back together.

I'm totally over the breakup.

We're friends, and I'm here to walk with you to the bus.

I knew that. You didn't let me finish.

Oh, dear.

"Amber, you're back. I'm so happy. I love you,"

is what old Reggie would have said.

- This Reggie... - He has to stop. - Make him stop.

Totally gets human relationships and understands

what's going on, because it just... just makes sense.

- Reggie, stop talking. - Do something.

We were in love, but now we are j...

We came for outer space and settled in New Jersey

What are you doing?

I don't know.

We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey

we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee

then the humans moved next door

started testing all our limits

so sit right down, enjoy the show

we'll be done in 30 minutes

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so, I totally understand

the rules of our friend relationship.

I have a few rhetorical questions.

Can we still kiss?

- Not rhetorical, and no. - Great.

So, you won't be coming at me

with any guerilla sneak-attack kisses.

It also means we can't hold hands anymore.

- Totally get it. - Let go of my hand, Reggie.

Right. I knew that.

I was just testing you, and you passed.

- Congratulations! - Nope.

So, are you going to be dating other people?

We both are.

You have your soul mate. She's... special.

And I have just so many options.

Just so many out there.

And I'm gonna... explore them all.

Great. So, we'll do that.

- This is all still making sense to me. - Yeah.

We can still share a toothbrush, right?

- Nope. - Sorry.

What you doing, babe?

I told you my study group from college

was meeting here today, and I'm clearing out

some of the clutter so that we can focus.

That's not clutter, honey. Those are our children.

That's my fantasy-football-league trophy.

Well, I'll put it back after they leave.

I just have this cool, big-sister vibe going,

and I don't want to mess with it.

I was worried they were gonna

think of me as the mom, but they don't.

They call me "Deb."

I call you "Deb," Deb.

It's different when they do it.

And don't do it in front of them.

You don't think I'm cool enough.

What?! No!

Yes, this is just like high school,

when you were the cool chick and I was

the dorky guy bringing you down.

Oh! I am not embarrassed of you.

Come here.

[Doorbell rings]

Just... just...

Yeah.

Hey, gang.

Girl: - Hey. - Come on in.

- Hey, Deb. - Hey.

Hey, guys. How you doing? I'm Deb's husband.

Husband. Wow.

That's so... grown-up.

Marty, shouldn't you be getting to work?

- Oh, no. I probably have... - To beat the traffic

- Oh. - Don't let us keep you.

Honey, you're not keeping me. I...

- All right. Love you. - I was thinking maybe I wanted to...

What up, peeps?

- Hey. - What's up? - What's up?

- Let's go in the other room. - All right. - Yeah.

Oh, hey!

Larry: Your mother wanted me to visit her depressing job,

so here we are.

[Laughter]

Oh, yeah. Oh! [Chuckles]

- Who's that? - That must be Keef.

Mother talks about him all the time.

Does she? I rarely listen to her.

[Laughter]

That's odd.

Dick, are you feeling flushed?

Is your face hot?

I suddenly feel like puning a wall really, really hard.

I feel that way most of the time.

Oh, husband, Dick! You came!

What a wonderful surprise.

This is Keef, my work husband.

I'm your only husband!

Oh, it's great to finally meet you, Larry.

Hey, how's that new body-boosting shampoo

working out for you?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, yeah, Jackie told me that you were thinking

your hair was looking a little lifeless

and you're trying a new shampoo.

How dare you share such an intimate detail

with a complete stranger!

Oh, husband, he's no stranger.

Keef is my bestie! Oh! [Laughs]

Okay. I visited your work.

Now I need never come again. Goodbye, Reef.

- Keef. - Who cares?

[Door opens]

Father has a history of leaving me places,

so I should probably...

That was my family.

Yeah. They're great. [Chuckles] Yeah.

Thank you for coming over, Jane.

I guess you know Amber and I are no longer dating.

Reggie, I'm your soul mate. I know everything about you.

Yes.

So, this morning, Amber told me

that she is completely over me

and that we should see other people.

So, I guess that means you and I are dating now.

- Congratulations. - No, thank you.

Great! What?

Reggie, I love you, but if we got together now,

I would be a rebound.

And I'm your soul mate. I'm not a palate cleanser.

This is so not going how I thought it would go.

Yeah, well, nothing has gone the way

I thought it would since I got here.

Before we can be together,

you need to have closure with Amber.

[Door opens, closes]

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You know, I'm no detective, but I do believe

you're not actually reading that overrated book.

Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Uh, no.

Who are you?

Deb's study buddy. Who are you?

Deb's daughter.

So, what you looking at? That squirrel?

Okay, you want attention, huh?

No. No, no.

No, you go ahead and watch that squirrel.

If you want to go outside and chase it, I'll let you out.

- Hurry. It's getting away. - That's funny.

I didn't know my mom was going to clown college.

Okay.

I'll... leave you alone.

Thank you.

If you change your mind, just bark.

Dog thing really isn't working, dude.

Okay.

So, I was like, "yeah, sure, you can keep

your meal-replacement shakes in my mini fridge."

And she was like, "thanks."

But I don't know if she's into me

or if she's just into my mini fridge.

Mm. Hmm. I don't know.

I think the diet drinks are a bad sign.

It puts you in the friend zone.

And a woman's not gonna share her dieting strategies

with a guy she wants to be

romantically involved with, so...

Huh. I wouldn't have thought of that.

That totally makes sense. Thanks, Deb.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

I think of myself as, you know,

kind of your big sister... Cool big sister.

And as your cool big sister, Hank,

I think you need to sack up and ask out that girl.

Well, I don't know yeah, man.

She's kind of out of my league.

Hey-oh! Did somebody say par-tay?!

No, Marty. Nobody said "party."

Did someone want to say, "party"?

Sweetie, we're studying.

Oh, well, I have another keg and a few pizzas

back in the minivan that beg to differ.

- That's really nice of you, Mr. Weaver. - Yeah.

No problem. Don't mention it. [Chuckles]

Mr. Weaver... they titled you, Marty. You're blowing it. Go!

- Why? I thought this would be fun. - Go!

Okay, guys, looks like party Marty's

gonna take this upstairs, okay?

All right. Don't mind me.

I'll be upstairs having a party of one.

That guy. [Laughter]

[Laughter]

Man: In sports, the national hockey league...

Drinking beer from a red cup

on top of the good bedspread, honey.

Is that cool enough for you?!

Marty, assist me.

Come on in, Larry. I surprised Jackie at work today.

She was making a burrito

with someone she calls her "work husband."

All of a sudden, my face got hot.

- Can one be allergic to tacos? - No.

Sounds to me like you were jealous.

Jealous? [Scoffs] Ridiculous.

Why would I be jealous of a ruggedly handsome fellow

who wears size-14 sandals

and enjoys easy banter with my wife?

Larry, jealousy will only cause you trouble.

That's why I'm not jealous that Debbie doesn't want

me to hang out with her study group,

even though I raced home from work

just so I could party with them.

See? I'm not jealous.

Now I get to sit and watch daytime ESPN.

Marty, I'm not jealous, but maybe my body was.

Clearly, it got confused

and reacted to feelings I wasn't feeling.

That doesn't make much sense. Or does it?

- It doesn't. - No, I think it does.

Clearly, I have to go back to salsa castle

to see my wife with that hunk again

so that my mind can convince my body

to stop being so foolish.

[Laughter]

Okay. Let's give it a shot.

Daytime ESPN is just soccer anyway.

Then I take the curtain from the bathroom window,

wrap it around myself like a sarong,

go back out to the table, finish the tiramisu.

- You finished your dessert?! - Hell, yeah.

You don't leave tiramisu uneaten.

- You are awesome, Deb. - I know.

Oh, man. There's a big stain on my shirt.

Of course I'm in the friend zone.

Cool guys don't have stains on their shirts.

Well, you could just wash the shirt.

I'm out of quarters. And detergent.

Give me the shirt.

My grandma's homemade stain remover will work...

White vinegar and coarse salt.

But won't it smell?

I-I'll just put it through the wash. Wait.

All: You have a washing machine?

- Of course. - I've got laundry in my car.

- I also have laundry in my car. - I've got laundry... in my car.

Oh, my God. You have so much real food in your refrigerator!

That's a big fridge, Deb.

Yeah, it is!

No. It's just normal. And cool, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Jane.

I'm throwing out everything Amber ever gave me

- to prove I have closure. - Oh.

- Reggie, there's nothing in there. - True.

But I really like the stuff she gave me.

If you look at the box as a symbol...

Call me when you have closure, Reggie.

You catch that squirrel, yet?

You can't do a callback to a joke that doesn't land.

Well, I was hoping it'd get funnier with repetition.

Nope.

Okay, look.

There's obviously something that you want out there,

so stop being afraid of what might happen.

You want that squirrel, you have to go chase it.

I'm still not looking at a squirrel.

Yeah. I know. I'm a college man.

I'm a solid two years older than you, plus I'm super smart.

The squirrel thing is just a metaphor.

Am I impressing you yet?

You don't have to be a rocket scientist

to figure out what's going on here.

I am one, though... A rocket-science major.

Clearly, you're hung up on that guy... the squirrel guy...

So stop watching him, and go get him.

I also tutor inner-city children.

Nothing? Okay.

Steak excaliburrito with black knight beans.

- That'll be $5. - That's me.

Can I have some Merlin's magic sauce, please?

This place is fun, huh, with the names?

I don't know. It all seems a bit forced to me.

We get it. It's a castle.

Wait! I didn't see anything.

Well, I can't just park there. Well, go around again.

[Muffled] This is delicious.

- Go around again. - I am!

How spicy are the Joan of Arc's flaming fajitas?

- Spicy. - Do it.

Go around again, Marty. Go around again.

How big is the Lancelot of nachos?

It's a lot of nachos.

Oh, I get it! [Laughs]

Yeah. [Horn honking]

Okay. All right. I'll be right back!

There they are.

I'm having the wrong feelings again.

There they are.

Drive! Drive! Go around again. All right.

We can't keep going around.

I cannot watch you eat any more burritos.

Ditto. [Sighs]

Debbie never lets me eat fast food.

She says that I have no self-control.

I'm so uncool. Enough!

I'm going in.

Lasagna is ready, guys. It needs 15 minutes to cool.

Zak, close the refrigerator. Use a glass.

[Buzzer] Oh! I'm gonna put in another load.

Guys, do not eat the lasagna till it's cooled down.

You'll burn your mouths. Ow! It's hot!

I told you.

Marcus: You're out of toilet paper!

Oh, God. Zak, bring this up to Marcus.

Sure thing, Mrs. Weaver.

[Thinking] Mrs. Weaver. They titled me.

I should have never made the lasagna!

You want me to put some music?

Do you have any speed metal or east-German techno?

I do not.

Then no, thank you.

Larry: I'm coming!

Marty, I've got him!

- What the hell is going on, Larry?! - A kidnapping!

Open the trunk! Open the trunk!

There is no trunk! It's a minivan!

[Whirring]

[Sighs]

Just give it a second.

[Door beeping]

Well, this is really bringing down the energy.

Drive. Drive. Drive.

I can't until the door closes.

It's a safety feature.

Hey, I know Jackie wants us to hang,

but can we do this after work?

It's really busy in there,

and some guy keeps on ordering burrit...

Oh. Hey! Yeah! Burrito guy. What's up?

We're just gonna have a little talk with this punk.

Marty, you're an Italian from New Jersey.

Where do I get rid of the body?

- What? - Larry, that is insulting and insane.

The Pine Barrens.

- Don't worry, kid. We're not taking you there. - Oh, okay. Good.

What are your intentions with my wife?

Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Wrong answer.

- Dick, I'm gonna need a lamp and a car battery. - Got it.

Marty, do you have jumper cables?

Keef, do you have nipples?

Yeah. Of course I got... Wait. What?!

You know, you're starting to freak me out, man.

Welcome to Salsa... Larry Bird?

Can I have some extra napkins?

[Knock on door]

Hi, Reggie.

What did you want to show me now?

Did you find another empty box?

No. I just wanted to talk.

I don't know how to get closure.

I'm trying to do things the way humans do.

But one minute, you're in love.

And the next, you're supposed to be friends

and pretend you're never in love and then get closure

so you can do it all over again.

Isn't it funny how un-evolved humans are?

The whole purpose of life is to find love,

and yet that's the thing that they're the worst at.

That and dancing. They can't dance at all.

Right?

They look like they're actually worried

that the rhythm is gonna get them.

[Chuckles]

It's nice to talk to someone

who's as confused about this stuff as I am.

[Patrick Park's "We fall out of touch" plays]

If you and I got together, we'd never break up, would we?

No, we wouldn't, Reggie.

Here I am

Jane, I'm gonna go have a conversation with Amber.

And after that, I'd like to take you on a date.

But father doesn't let me take the golf cart out on my own,

so it'll have to be walking distance.

Ah, my love - I'd like that Reggie.

Okay, ridiculous girl, I guess it's time

for me to admit I was wrong and start chasing you.

- Amber. - Reggie.

This morning, when you told me it was time to move on...

and I said I agreed, I wasn't ready to move on.

- I was telling a brilliant lie. - Reggie.

No, let me finish.

I've realized I have a woman who wants to be with me.

It's Jane. You've met her. She's standing next to me.

Hi, again, Amber.

I don't want to be with someone

who doesn't want to be with me.

So, Amber, I have something to tell you.

Oh, have we given up? - I'm ready to move on.

I'm over you.

And we'll get so far that we fall out of touch

Oh.

All these lame jokes.

You've been flirting with me, right?

Who? Me? Uh, yes.

Good. What are you doing on Saturday night?

Going on a date with you, I hope.

I just got out of a relationship,

and I'm not entirely over him yet.

Perfect. That's where I do my best work.

I was gonna go Dutch,

but now you have to pay for everything.

Larry Bird, what's going on here?

My head knows you're my soul mate,

but my body keeps telling me that Keef is a threat.

Oh, husband. Keef is not a threat.

He's my burrito buddy.

It's good for us to have lives outside of our relationship...

Friends who make us laugh.

- I make you laugh? - Not now, Keef.

You can't blame me for being insecure.

I mean, look at this Adonis.

Oh, husband, don't be ridiculous.

Why would I go for a joy ride on a moped

when my soul mate is a Maserati?

Wow. That's hurtful.

Pipe down, moped.

Oh, I'm sorry, wife.

It's just that Marty got me all worked up.

Made me think that there was something between you and Keef.

Opposite of true

vroom, vroom.

Uh, sorry. Can I go now?

Oh.

[Whirring]

This is always kind of an awkward wait.

Debbie didn't want to get a minivan.

She said it wasn't cool.

But I insisted because I'm so uncool.

Yeah! I'm free! [Chuckles]

- I'll see you in there. - Okay.

You don't have to wash the containers.

Just bring them back to me, please.

Zak: Thank you, Mrs. Weaver.

It's Deb. Oh, Mrs. Weaver. You're welcome, kids.

Hey. Promise me you're gonna ask out that girl.

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

I really think she's out of my league, so...

A long time ago, longer than I care to admit,

a dorky guy asked out a girl that he thought

was way out of his league, and she said yes.

And now most of the time,

she thinks that he's always out of her league.

That is my story.

But it could be your story, too.

You just got to put yourself out there.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

My parents are all the way back in Chicago, and, I mean,

I think I'm doing pretty good,

but sometimes I get a little homesick,

you know, so it was nice to have a mom today,

if that's okay to say.

Oh, it's fine to say.

Glad I could help.

See you at school. Ask out that girl!

I like that story, honey.

That was you and me, right?

It wasn't the guy you dated before me.

Of course it's you and me.

Oh, I'm sorry I told you to go.

That was crappy.

Oh, it didn't bother me.

Trying to be cool, but that cool ship has sailed.

I am a wife and a mom, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Forgive me?

Always.

You promise you're talking about me and not Frank Polumbo?

I promise. Frank Polumbo was not dorky.

Well, that's debatable.

Okay, well, you will always be my hot older sister.

- No. - How about sexy aunt?

- Stop. No. - Lonely school nurse? Gymnastics teacher?

- No! - Why not?

Now just let your fingers slide through the tortilla.

- Like this? - Perfect.

Now the beans.

Now the goo.

It's guacamole.

It's disgusting.

I know.

- Stop that. - Why?

I can't make a burrito if you keep messing about.

Oh, that's disgusting. My hands are filthy.

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