Original subtitles

All right, so all I need to do is

shove the chicken in the duck, the duck in the turkey, and voil?...

Thanksgiving turducken.

That's an alarming amount of animals to stick inside each other.

Can you put it all in a pig?

Honey, I'm home!

How you doin'?

So, I'm guessing there is a story here?

There certainly is, wacky neighbor.

We've been up all night, watching a Nick at Nite marathon

of Thanksgiving sitcom episodes.

It made us want a live studio audience for our very own.

Audience, huh?

I always wished, I had a song that followed me around,

and played everytime I walked into a room.

- My song would be... - Stupid idea.

Wife, continue.

So, Nick at Nite marathon taught us

that Thanksgiving is a special day

filled with troublemaking in-laws, cooking mishaps,

and unpleasant surprises.

Which makes it a holiday which nobody really wanted,

but in the end, everyone really needed.

"American girl" by Tom Petty. That would be my song.

Well, I hate to disappoint you guys,

but I'm gonna go out on a limb here,

and say there will be no unpleasant surprises this Thanksgiving.

I agree. There's been a lovely peace in the family.

Plus, I'm making a foolproof meal.

It literally can't lose.

Oh, boy! We know what comes next.

Whoa, what do you mean? What co...

Cue the holiday surprise.

Whoo!

Who could that be?

Let's watch and see what happens.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, I'm six hours early. Now we've talked about that.

- Yeah, dad, a little early. - Ahh.

- Hey, Dominick. - Mwah!

Where's Theresa?

No idea.

After almost five miserable decades, I ended it.

We're getting a divorce. Grandpa's moving in.

Uh-oh!

I love holiday episodes.

We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey

We took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Then the humans moved next door

Started testing all our limits

So sit right down, enjoy the show

We'll be done in 30 minutes

Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com

Okay, so, what did you say, dad? You left mom?

Like a baby at a fire station.

Dominick, we're happy to have you, so happy.

We love it. But come on.

Why divorce Theresa? We hate each other.

You've hated each other for 50 years. You love to hate each other.

Hate is the glue that keeps your marriage together.

- Grandpa, Grandpa! - Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, guys!

Where's Grandma?

I left her, kids. It's over. She's horrible.

She'll be here at 2:00.

Oh, so she's still coming.

Even though you're splitting up? Fun.

Of course she's coming.

We can't let that crotchety old bag sit alone on Thanksgiving.

We're family.

Now, kids, I want you to take me upstairs,

and show grandpa whose bedroom he's taking.

- Say what now? - What did you say?

- Let's go. - You'd hate my bedroom!

- I still pee the bed! - No, you don't!

I'm going to as soon as I get up there.

- So, your father's not moving in here. - Of course not.

Because fitting that man in our house

is kind of like fitting this duck into this turkey.

Don't worry. Babe, he's not staying.

My mother is a damaged person

who needs someone to scream at.

My father needs a damaged person around,

so he can feel superior.

Believe me, there's no way this breakup will last.

True.

If there's one thing we learned from our holiday-episode research,

it's that things will always go back to normal

at the end of the holiday.

Yes. They try to trick you into thinking that they won't,

but they don't want to change the premise of the show.

Well, this premise will change if your father moves in,

'cause then I'm getting in the oven with the poultry.

Dick, our audience is in the garage.

Would you please entertain them while I have a chat with dad?

Does no one respect my knitting time?

Oh, husband, I do not enjoy how the story has become

about the Mertzes over there.

We are the main family. They are the wacky neighbors.

We deserve a thanksgiving story of our own,

Not just a bunch of jokes that makes their story funnier.

So, what are you thinking?

Perhaps we get a job in a high-speed assembly line.

Ooh! Good one.

Or bring home a homeless man, clean him up,

and make him the C.E.O. of a major corporation.

Great.

Or we could trade responsibilities with the children

in order to learn comical, and yet mutually beneficial lessons.

You think being a grown-up is hard?

Try being a kid sometime.

My wife said that for our anniversary,

she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before,

so I said, "Try the kitchen."

How we doing on time, sweetie?

Six hours in the oven.

I still got two out of the three animals uncooked.

It's like the bigger one is protecting the littler ones.

Let them burn!

Well, try and speed it up, 'cause in my experience,

my parents fight less when they have food in their mouths.

Your mother's gonna be a basket case.

Cook, you unholy Frankenstein!

- Cook! - Come on!

We're gonna be okay.

But you and Grandma?

I loved you two together.

How is this even possible? You two are soul mates.

I don't know. I always thought you two sort of hated each other.

Now, that's my granddaughter.

And, kid, don't be sad.

You know what I've been doing this last week

in my room at the Hampton Inn?

Eating in bed and smiling.

I haven't done either since I got married.

But you were together for two-thirds of a human life span. Why now?

Eh, it was enough.

I got a recently widowed math teacher.

She's got a weird Jewfro thing going on,

But she's not hideous.

- You want me to set it up? - Sure. I'm open.

Give her my number at the Hamp.

Oh, boy. There's Grandma.

Now, she's gonna be pulling all the waterworks with sympathy.

But, kids, don't fall for it.

All right, dad. Just please be nice to her.

God, please let her be nice to me.

- Sweetheart! - Hey!

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Aw! Hello, honey. - Happy Thanksgiving. Hello.

- Mm! Don't you smell good? - Oh.

And the house looks gorgeous.

Really? Thank you.

Wow. Your hair's all nice and long, and you look tan.

Hit the spa this week.

I am bronzed and hair-extended,

and waxed in places I had no idea people wax.

Well, now we have that information.

Okay. I'm ready for some wine.

The foam party at La Bamba got a little crazy last night,

And I could use some hair of the dog.

- Dominick. - Theresa.

Guess who's accidentally got two dates to the prom?

I'll never get away with it.

What did we miss?

I don't know.

Oh, dinner smells mouth-watering.

Now, I don't know if I've ever told you this,

but I think you're a wonderful cook.

You haven't.

You haven't ever said that, like never.

Mm.

You know, ma, I got to say,

you haven't looked this good in years.

Well, I should hope so.

I've lost a lot of weight.

210 pounds of soul-sucking fat, to be exact.

Hardy har.

Oh, plus, I've been power-walking at the mall

with other senior singles.

And did I mention the wax?

Yes, you did. You definitely did.

Max, take your sister upstairs.

You look pretty, Grandma.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Now, remember, marriage ruins your looks.

Nope. Don't remember that. Go.

So, ma, what are you gonna do in that big house all alone?

Probably sell it.

Well, then, what's... what's gonna happen to my room?

Which one was your room?

My craft room or the yoga room?

It's the one down the hall from your bedroom

so you could hear me in case I got scared during the night.

Ah. Yoga room.

Look at us just sitting here in silence.

What are we, extras? Do something.

I'm gay.

I knew it.

All right, guys, can I have a moment alone with my family, please?

For the record, I find it very regrettable

that your primitive society

Doesn't place a higher value on in-laws.

Or legitimate third-party candidates.

See you guys.

Oh, boy.

Another hit on my online dating profile.

Oh, now, he's a cutie, and he's still in his 60s.

For God's sake, don't tell me you've signed up

with one of those online dating scams.

Yep. It's the kind of scam where I give them 20 bucks

and they give me a revitalized sex life.

- Oh! - Oh, come on, guys.

This is just posturing. You're not dating already.

Right, because you guys aren't breaking up. Right?

Oh!

It's a good thing they didn't have online dating

when I was younger or I would have needed

A what-I-just-had-waxed transplant.

Oh, sure. Throw the tissue away.

There's plenty of snot-free real estate.

No, you just want to throw it away,

and move on to a fresh, new one.

That's true. I do.

Reggie, I'm gonna go out on a limb,

and say that this is about my grandparents.

You're right.

I'm mad because I blew off my Zabvronian soul mate,

who's guaranteed to love me forever, for you.

You seem so happy about two people breaking up,

even after 50 years.

I know it's stressful,

but if you're gonna be with a human,

You have to accept the fact that we're unpredictable.

More than 50% of marriages end. That's just reality.

50%.

Humans are inconstant monsters.

I'm dating a monster.

Sure, Amber. Just date the weird alien kid next door.

It'll be fun.

Oh, God.

My oven can't handle this many corpses.

This is real, deb.

My parents are splitting up for real.

If they don't get back together,

that makes me the child of a broken home.

I don't want to be an orphan.

Oh, honey, I know, although that's not what an orphan is.

You know, I think you could be getting

a little more upset here, Deb.

Did you know that children of divorce

are more likely to divorce themselves?

This could have serious implications on your future.

Okay, well, whatever happens, that man is not moving in here.

Marty, what's your plan?

Oh, right. That's a good idea.

Make it the responsibility of the child

to keep his parents together.

Do you know how detrimental that could be?

To a 43-year-old man?

Well, honey, at a moment like this,

every man becomes a hurt, helpless little boy.

Stop your blubbering!

We just wanted to pop by to remind you not to worry.

This is a completely manufactured crisis

which will resolve itself by the end of Thanksgiving dinner.

Although, if you'd like it resolved sooner,

We're happy to pull some hijinks.

Because that's what main characters do!

Think about it.

Oh, God.

Just look at you guys.

You still got that same old spark, you know?

Well, I would like to know where you even

came up with the cash for that phone.

You had at least another year on your contract!

I just used the money I was gonna waste

on your anniversary present.

Great idea, sister.

I think I'll spend my wad on a bottle

of those little, blue pills.

You know, the gals outnumber the fellas 10 to 1 at our age.

Can't wait to meet the lucky broad

who gets stuck having to listen to you snore

for the rest of her life.

Kids, dinner!

Come eat now so this day can end and everyone can go home

to their house that isn't this one.

Has anyone seen my wife?

She's going to miss this revolting bird-on-bird-on-bird action.

Debbie used your stuffing recipe, Mom.

Dad, that's your favorite, right?

Tell Mom how that's your favorite.

I never liked her stuffing.

That's because it's too good for you, you nincompoop.

Watch your language.

This isn't one of your sailor hump-hump bars.

Oh! Enjoy him, Debbie.

No, no. You enjoy him.

You take him home, and you enjoy him.

I really can't tolerate this anymore, Deborah.

These are the parents of your soul mate.

That is a sacred bond that deserves mad respect.

Announcement!

I found us a story line.

Hello!

Hi, there.

We are the parents of Jackie Joyner-Kersee,

and we are the in-laws to that guy.

Cut to commercial. Cut to commer...

I can't believe they stuck me at the kids' table.

So, Dick, you like old people, huh?

I find they have character,

history, and superior knitting skills.

Not to mention that cool smell.

How would you like a chance

to have your very own old person living right in your room?

Doesn't that sound amazing?

My very own old person? What a dream.

Guys, my I.Q. is more than 50 times greater than yours.

Did you really think you could manipulate me like that?

Uh, it was worth a try.

Pull my finger.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

It is so nice to have Jackie's parents here.

Kind of nice to have a buffer.

Well, thank you, Marty and Debbie Weaver,

For hosting us in your home that you paid for

from the sweat of your brow.

Okay. Here we go.

So what are you saying, father-in-law,

that I can't afford my lifestyle without my father's trust fund?

He's not saying that at all, husband.

My lovely daughter is right.

I have not said that, not once.

Other people have said it.

They've said it a lot. But not us.

Another thing we don't say is that your family fortune

is mostly blood money taken from the people...

People we have devoted our lives to helping.

Where are you guys from again?

- France. - Canada.

Oh, you better watch out for my husband.

He hates foreigners.

This from the woman who kept her wallet

in her underwear during our entire Jamaican cruise.

I hope you're satisfied, in-laws.

You've turned this Thanksgiving meal

into chaos and conflict.

As always, you're toxic.

Easy, Larry.

Yeah, what happened to respecting,

and loving your in-laws as your own, Larry?

When I said that, Jackie's parents

and their holier-than-thou attitude

were safely ensconced on the other side of the Universe.

Husband, fake private whispering does not work.

Neither does Larry.

Pow!

- Toxic! - She's toxic?

This one over here is like Three Mile Island in sensible shoes.

Keep stuffing your face, animal.

You've got side-by-side grave plots now.

Come on! Look at that repartee, huh?

Why would you want to walk away from that, from this family?

Why?

Or your lovely house.

Now that you finally paid off that mortgage,

and your lawn animals are just the way you like them.

Our house doesn't even have lawn animals.

Guys, I just want to say I'm proud of you.

Most people would just settle for being unhappy,

but it takes some serious sack to break up after 50 years

to see if there's a better life out there, so mazel tov.

Amber, how could you say that?

Well, I hope that I'm happy with one person forever,

but if not, I'd like to be as brave as my grandparents.

May I please be excused?

May I also be excused?

- Oh. - I'll talk to him.

Oh, yes. Go have a heart to heart with our son.

That's your strong suit.

You're such a delight.

Do you know I'm very intuitive?

I've done lots of energy work,

and I sense some trouble in the home.

Wow. You think, genius?

So, Mommy, did you hear that I got a job?

No. I can't hear anything

over Larry's deafening sense of entitlement.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you over your deafening sense of sucking.

Jackie, um, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna let you deal with your family drama.

I'm gonna go check on mine.

You guys don't drink wine, so...

Reggie, are you gonna let me in?

Leave me alone, you monster!

Son, are you okay?

Open up, Marty.

Go away! You don't care about me!

You hurt my feelings, and you don't care!

I'm gonna start with the actual child.

Reggie, it stinks that half of all people get divorced,

and that you can't be sure that love will last forever,

but that's what makes it so amazing when it does, right?

And you two, of course you fell out of love.

'Cause you stopped working at it.

It takes work every single day.

There are no guarantees, Reggie, so you have to work at it.

Even after 50 years, or it dies.

And it's that work that makes it beautiful.

That was lovely, Debbie Weaver.

Well, thanks, Reg.

It was from the heart... And the wine.

So, are we okay?

Amber, you know the sign in history class

that says "Work sets you free."?

It's about us.

It's actually a Holocaust diorama, but I hear you.

I like that we're gonna have to spend every single day

of our lives working to keep our love alive.

Are you sure?

Jane wouldn't be any work at all.

Anything worthwhile takes work.

And what about you two?

Do you seriously want to start over now?

We go back out there,

people are gonna want us to work on ourselves.

I'm gonna have to shave every day,

suck in my gut, flush.

Tell me about it.

You know how tiring it is to get all fapitzed like this?

You look great, Mrs. Weaver.

Stop. I hate cardio. I hate getting waxed.

I hate the stupid noises that phone makes,

and I hate having to hold in my toots.

Yeah.

I'd rather phone it in and die with you

than some broad who wants me to work for the rest of my life.

I got you, I got you

Come here, you stinker.

Theresa.

I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you

So, does this mean that you guys are back together?

For the most depressing reason imaginable.

Great news, everybody!

My mom and dad are back together!

- Yay! - See? I knew it.

Things always go back to normal at the end of the holiday.

Oh! Which reminds me, it's nearly 9:00 P.M.

My precious in-laws, I believe you have a wormhole to catch.

Plenty of peace rallies back home to attend.

I bet you would love to see us leave so soon,

but we have a lifetime of possessions to unpack.

Unpack?

Yes, it's clear that your family needs us

more than even the orphans your father's war created.

So we're staying.

There is no bigger charity case in the Universe

right now than you, son.

Congratulations.

Oh, God.

They're not leaving.

I got you

This is a "to be continued".

Things are gonna be so great now

that Mom and Dad are back together.

I know, honey.

You know, we really ought to spend more time with them

now that things are all better.

We should take a trip with them to Disney World!

All of us, just one big, happy family.

Fun!

If they all fall down

you still got me and I got you

I got you, I got you

I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you

Thank you, Dick.

I got you, I got you

You're right, babe.

The turducken is even better the morning after.

And I really nailed your mom's stuffing recipe this year.

Mm-hmm.

Buon giorno.

I am here for Theresa.

Excuse me.

We met online, and I am-a supposed to pick her up here for brunch.

Well, she's unavailable like forever.

- She went back with my dad. - I am so sorry to hear this.

I am a man who has all the money in the world,

But-a nobody to share it with.

Mi scusi.

But when I saw her profile, I thought to myself this...

This is the woman I could spend my twilight years

traveling the world with.

God.

I mean, would it kill us to pass along her phone number?

Here.

Oh!

Grazie.

Prego.

All right, Don Juan. Oh, no. Carmine.

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