Original subtitles

Seriously, I'll beat you up. Oh, sorry.

Okay, we gotta fix this tonight, because tomorrow night's

Birthing class, and Wednesday night is pregnancy sex. I'm really starting to enjoy that birthing class.

All the grunting and heavy breathing and-- you were the oy one doing that.

I was trying to get something going. (beep)

Wait, what is that walkie-talkie?

I told you to get a baby monitor. Oh, this--better than a baby monitor.

It's long distance. Where's the other one?

(beep) (turk) jake cobra. Come in, jake cobra.

We've been compromised, panther claw. (beep)

What else did your baby get that we could play with?

Uh, just give him 30 c.C.'s

Of, uh, medicine, stat.

It's a little hospital issue I'm dealing with.

(lucy) ben was our cadaver.

I'd met him on my first day of medical school.

He was alive then, and we connected.

You look like you could use a grape. Thanks, ben.

So with ben, I was the leader of our group.

Drew, isolate the tendon of the brachialis,

And, cole, though I've almost reconciled the fact

That you are both my... Boyfriend and probably

The human being I respect least on earth, you know,

Besides myself-- we didt twice this morning.

Nobody's ever cared about anything you've ever said, ever.

That's it. Don't even come by my room later.

Really? No.

Attention, class. That awesome!

Could we do that again, please? For me? Please?

Just everybody act busy. Act busy.

Eyes up! Don't disrespect me!

Yeah, that's right.

There'll be a quiz next class on the structure of the heart.

Each member of your team will have to dissect a chamber.

Daddy said if I get my g.P.A. Up, I get a jet ski.

Me, not caring. (pats chest)

Thought I was clear on that. Anyway, my friend ben will propel our group

To the top of the class.

I'm so moved, I want to put those feelings into words.

Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker.

Perfect.

(j.D.) elliot and I had missed

Our last few pregnancy sex nights.

Tonight, I was ready.

Loose limbs make limber lovers. (door opens)

Loose limbs make limber lovers. (door closes)

I'm so sorry. I was stuck at work,

And then on my way home, I got a craving for cambodian food.

J.D., they had a salad that's all beef.

There's not a frickin' green thing in this.

Well, let's get this party started.

I am totally ready to get dirty with you. (romantic music playing)

I don't know if you saw some of the rose petals, but--

Mm-hmm. Oh, this is so good. Yeah, um--over here.

And then-- go through here--

Oh, wait. Oh, okay. (romantic music slows to a stop)

Just avoid the breast region.

They're big, but they're not for touching--too sore.

And let's just avoid the thighs.

They sort of are like memory foam.

They leave a handprint. And I have the elbows

Of a 75-year-old black man. Honey, you look beautiful.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I just don't feel super romantic right now.

Do you think it's okay if we skip tonight?

Sure. This--this was all here when I got home.

I promisyou, after the baby comes,

Things are gonna go back to normal, okay?

Make sure you chew. Mm.

I'll get your hair out of your way for you.

(mouth full) you want a bite, sweet? It's so good.

No, thank you. I've already had diarrhea today.

Mm. Well, I've not pooped in a week.

So yes, j.D. And I are not having sex right now,

But it's fine. I put it right into my schedule

For after the baby's born. What is that, a sex trapper keeper?

Oh, I wish. , it's my postpregnancy action plan.

See? By week three, I'll have lost all the baby weight.

Weeks four and five, I'll be deep

Into my postpartum depression, where I'll spend most of my time

Crying and then regaining the baby weight.

And then something will snap me out of it--

Probably a sunrise or a hilarious e-card.

And then by week six, we are back to nasty town.

Let's walk in silence maybe. Yes.

Hi, mr. And mrs. Foster. How are you feeling?

Oh, he won't stop complaining.

I've got lymphoma. Well, I've got multiple myeloma.

You two, come on now. Nobody wins at cancer.

That's like double what you've got.

I likeo start every day with an exercise in futility,

And to that end, johnny legacy, ulcerative colitis--

Tell me the five-- (jordan, voice echoing) perry!

It's behind me, isn't it?

(lucy) with every couple, there's the hard-a

And then the sweet one.

Come here. I can't deal with this year's clump

Of ugly nerds eyeballing me.

Hot biscuits! Cox is the sweet one?

You know that bag of bones my sister danni married?

He died. She got nothing.

Burt died?

You're not listening. Danni got nothing.

You need to do your will so I can get all your stuff

Chop-chop!

Ma'am, if you need any help through thisifficult time,

I'm here. You're that aaronson kid.

Mm-hmm. I remember your mom when she was wearing tube tops,

Giving it away to any guy that would buy her a free steak.

She's so classy.

Oh, dear god, I love you. (whispers) I love you.

So let me get this straight.

You and elliot aren't having sex till after the baby's born?

Yes. But who are you gonna have sex with then?

Oh, she's gonna watch while you do other chicks.

No, no, todd. Neither one of us is going to be having sex.

I gotta take a walk five.

(snaps fingers) he's not taking it well.

All the baby books say we'll be back to our normal sex life

In about six weeks. J.D., those baby books are filled with lies.

You don't know. It's crazy. You're gonna be changing diapers

Covered in spit-up, all right?

You're not gonna have sex for a long, long, long, long time.

No hide the penny?

No. No me girl, you boy?

No. No dirty zulu warrior?

No, and that one's racist.

Well, I'm--I'm sure there'll still be cuddling, right?

Turk, I'm a man. I have needs.

Please say there'll be cuddling. She'll have the baby to cuddle with.

That little bastard.

(j.D.) turk freaked me out about what would happen

With elliot after the baby came,

So I turned to my mentor. Dorian, I do not need to hear the pathetic slap

And tickle of your soon-to-be-vanished sex life.

I just feel like I'm racing against the clock,

Like harrison ford in some kind of... Harrison ford movie.

Talkin' pregnancy sex?

Yep, nothing like a girl with a little junk in the front.

What are you, some kind of pervy ninja?

Oh, thanks, man. Appreesh.

Hey, you know what you should do?

Take your shorty on a babymoon. What's a babymoon?

It's like a romantic trip couples take

Before their baby's born. That's not what I pictured.

Breast milk mojitos?

(burps)

You've had a few too many. Drunk babies are hilarious.

You know, I haven't bagged a preggers yet,

But I bet it's like having sex with a water bed.

The baby bump actually has the tension of an exercise ball.

I was a doula in madrid for two years.

Oh, drew, so cool. Been to europe.

Hey, just babymoon it, dude, all right?

But don't--don't play any jazz while you're having sex,

'cause I read on the web that it will make the baby gay.

Makes babies gay, ladies and gentlemen.

Jazz makes babies gay!

Future doctor.

You know, drew,

We haven't really connected yet.

Nope.

Is that because by sleeping with cole,

I've invalidated myself as a person? Pretty much.

I get that. So you ready for the big heart dissection tomorrow?

Totally. Plus my dad sent a care package of smoked meats

From home, so I thought afterwards maybe you,

Me and cole could go to the park and have a sausage picnic. (grunts)

Okay, that sounded weird. You know what else is weird

Is that you've been supervising our group so much lately--

And you're doing it well, really-- yeah, drew, I'm with someone.

Not where I was going. I was just gonna say that you

Haven't done any cutting of our cadaver yet. Hmm.

I know. I'm psyched to get in there. Hells, yeah.

My woman's gonna go all edward scissorhands on his ass.

(imitates cutting noises)

(chuckles) I'll make it a hedge. (imitating cutting noises)

Is he, like, really good in bed or something? He'd have to be, right?

I'd hope so for your sake.

(continues imitating cutting noises)

Hello.

My wife is making me do a will,

So I'm going to need one of you to act as my confidant

That I can talk at but not listen to.

Well played, mr. Suffin. Dr. Mahoney, it looks like

You're going to be my sounding board. Congratulations.

Have fun. You're dead to me.

So jordan is after my stuff, but there is no way

That succubus is gonna get my recliner after I die.

It is the one chair I sit in when I wah tv

And yell at sports figures and reality stars.

Fine. Right before you kick it,

Stick a dead bird underneath the cushion.

That'll get ripe real fast,

And you can sit back and watch the whole show from hell.

Mahoney, you are a promising young doctor, you are. (pager beeps)

(groans)

(monitor beeping)

(sighs)

I'm so sorry, mr. Foster. We did everything we could.

Can I have a moment to--to say good-bye?

Of course.

They were married 47 years.

Rdan and I have been together for almost 30.

Yeah, but life expectancy for people your age is excellent,

You know, unless you're a type-a workaholic

In a high-stress job with, like, a lot of built-up anger. Enough.

You're not crying, are you?

(voice breaking) I was joking at first,

But, um, I'm just having a pregnancy moment here.

I just... (sniffles)

I'm just really gonna miss you when you're gone!

(crying)

I snuck into the lab to get ready for tomorrow's exam.

Med students are told to keep a cadaver's face covered

So it doesn't feel too personal,

But ben didn't like it.

Oh, it's stuffy under there.

Sorry about that. How you doing?

Not too shabby. You know, I haven't cut you at all yet,

But, uh, I'm gonna get in there tomorrow.

Lucy, we're friends. It would be an honor.

Aw, ben, that's so sweet.

(stammering) what are you doing here?

Were--were you talking to your cadaver?

Uh, yeah. I thought I heard that you were supposed to talk to it

Like a plant, so that it will, you know... Grow.

What are you doing here?

Oh! I saw the light on,

'cause, you know, I was over in my office workin',

'cause I work at night, you know.

(beep) (j.D.) I counted to 50. Ready or not, here I come.

(beep) (whispering) you didn't see me, all right?

I wasn't here.

You'll do great tomorrow. Thanks, ben.

Hello, wife face.

Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a babymoon.

(chuckles) what? What are you talking about?

A babymoon is a vacation you anyour loved one take

Right before your baby comes out of your special area.

And the resort I found is amazing.

They have horseback riding and jet skiing.

Oh, is there also a punching each other

In the stomach contest? 'cause that's another thing

That I can't do. Well, we could have hotel sex. You like that.

We could do girl hair with our towels.

We can turn the temperature all the way down to 50

And then crank it back up to 80. We'll be like gods controlling the weather.

Shall we go? Yeah, let's go. (laughs)

(j.D.) sometimes something small

Can represent something much bigger...

Whether it's a pen that represents your mortality...

Jordan, I...

I can't sign a will right now.

And as usual, please don't call me back.

A suitcase that mocks your one last gasp of coupledom...

Wait, what are we doing? J.D., this is ridiculous.

We can't go on a babymoon right now.

There's 9,000 things to do before the baby comes.

We don't have time for this.

Or a tiny exam

That's a whopping 25% of your final grade.

All right, lucy bennett, you're up.

Let's see if you can bring it home for the team.

(lucy) time to shine. Here I come, ben.

Please don't cut me.

It's not right.

I-I'm sorry, dr. Turk. I can't do this.

We have to do the babymoon.

Turk said that once the kid's born,

Our lives are gonna change forever. Yeah, turk also said

That "knight rider" was a documentary. It's based on fact, elliot. Everybody knows that.

Plus once the kid's born, you're gonna be obsessed.

You've probably already picked out what she's gonna wear

On her first day of school. So? That decision brands you forever. I still have

Night terrors about my first day of high school.

I wore this suede fringe outfit because of that movie

"can't buy me love." oh, j.D., it's the most amazing film.

Fade in--patrick dempsey, a fresh-faced nerd. Elliot, do you think there's a patrick dempsey movie

I haven't seen? J.D., I know that some couples don't make time

For each other as new parents,

But we're not gonna be like that. We're different. Are you sure?

Because you also said we were gonna be different

And not fight the first year of marriage.

You did the laundry, and you put my work socks

Beside my gym socks, and they were touching in the drawer.

I mean, that's disgusting. I had to throw them out.

Okay, I n't have time for this.

Lucy, you screwed us. We're being graded as a team.

Ben's not just a grade to me. He's a person.

Hey, this is bigger than you or him.

This is about a jet ski, yo! Cole, silence or punching. You know our deal.

This is ben's heart we're talking about.

It's where he stores his feelings and memories.

Ladies and gentlemen, apparently the heart stores memories!

Future doctors! (descending whistle)

Lucy, you have got to cut.

The jet ski is the motorcycle of the sea!

Ow!

Pain is how we learn.

Hey, guys, I want you to meet me in the o.R. In an hour.

Do I still have to hang out with you as your confidant

Even though there's not a chance in hell

You'reonna listen to anything I say? Yes.

You know, just because one of those old, married peop

Croaked doesn't mean you or jordan are gonna die. I shouldn't have brought the will to the hospital.

It was a rookie mistake. I mean, around here,

You just can't let your work and your personal life overlap.

Yeah, that was always ally mcbeal's problem, too.

It's so hard being a working woman in the mid '90s.

That's it. You're out as confidant.

I'd rather have dorian, for god's sake.

Fine. I'm gonna tell him you said that. No. No!

No!

I'm so glad you chose me to confide in, perry.

Denise caught me up to speed.

By the by, I've got some lady problems, too.

You do realize that by saying something like that to me,

You're just continuing the never-ending cycle of abuse?

I don't do it on purpose. (j.D.) I do. I love the attention.

So I explained to elliot that we have to make more time

For each other before the baby comes,

D she won't listen to me. Dorian, you're a fool.

Oh, why do you have to be that way, perry?

(singsong voice) more, please!

A wife cannot hear logic from her husband.

It must come from someone else--

A friend, a stranger, oprah. If barbie will not listen

To what's good for her, then you just gotta make it happen.

You're good. I love confiding with you, perry.

Let's do more later. Ooh.

Call you.

Wow. Somebody is really dehydrated.

I'm-a tell you about my friend jake.

Jake and I have played in a weekly basketball game

For about seven years. Our kids go to the same school together.

He's really important to me,

And this is him right here.

?�? your minds are blown ?�?

So why are we going to be looking into your friend's gs?

For lucy.

Look, I know ben's real to you.

But your patients are always gonna be real,

And the truth is, there are gonna be many a times

Where you're gonna have to hurt them in order to help them,

Like I'm doing with my friend here.

I'll let you retake the test again tonight. (gasps)

You ready? Do blue crabs whistle?

They do, when you boil them alive. (mouths word)

Yes, dr. Turk. I won't let you down.

I'm gonna go study now. Okay.

So this guy's a friend of yours, huh?

No, I've never met him.

This is just some dude with appendicitis.

?�? and he blows your mind again ?�?

?�? ooh, again ?�?

Scalpel.

How you doing, mr. Foster?

I'm so sorry about penny.

You know, you always think

You're gonna have just a little more time.

Yeah, I guess you do.

You know, he's right

About the whole running out of time thing.

I guess, but having a baby's not like dying.

(chuckles)

It's-- it's exactly like dying.

We have sam on the weekends. We know how to handle it.

Yeah, but stepkids aren't the same. They're a rental.

You gotta take mildly good care of 'em,

Return 'em with a full tank of gas and not too many dents.

I'll tell you what there, barbie.

I'm gonna go ahead and give you my own version

Of something your husband told you

But you couldn't hear because you're married to him.

After that baby comes, nothing goes back to normal.

Time doesn't slow down. It only gets faster.

And then 20 years later you find yourself signing a will

And realizing that you didn't spend nearly enough time

With the one person you care most about.

God, I wish j.D. Had said that.

Ah, don't blame yourself. I can't understand him either.

Sounds like a bag of cats.

J.D., I got your page. Look, before you say anything,

I wanted to tell you I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Look, you know this is what I do

Before big life-changing events.

I get way inside my own head and freak out.

Like three weeks before med school started,

I got way into shoplifting and watching anime pornography--

I mean, I'm talking some weird-ass cartoons, man.

Anyway, I love you, and I'm sorry

That I wasn't able to hear you,

And I didn't mean to ruin the babymoon.

You didn't. Panther claw, the walrus has landed.

(beep) (turk) roger that. We're set for go.

(beep)

(gasps) oh, my god, j.D.

(j.D.) I figured if you couldn't go to the babymoon,

I'd bring the babymoon to you.

You did all this by yourself?

Well, I had a little help.

Denise brought some nonalcoholic beer. (chuckles)

Yeah, I got it for this dude I'm railing. He used to be an alkie.

Mm, probably not an appropriate time to bring all that up,

But there it is. Thank you.

And I brought some sensual body chocolate.

Oh.

What's the situation with those big ol' d's?

Got any milk yet? He should go.

Get the hell outta here.

Shall we? We shall.

(j.D.) well have points in life

When things get painfully real...

You ready?

Yep.

Ow. Ow!

Ben, I haven't even touched you yet.

You're doing a great job.

When thinking about the end makes you reevaluate the now.

There. I just signed your ridiculous will.

But before I give it to you,

I'd like you to make me a promise

That just you and I can go away this weekend--

No kids. The no-kids thing is not really a big deal,

'cause I don't see them that much anyway.

But it would be really nice to get away from the nannies.

Your will. I'd like to propose a toast.

To our deaths--

May they be untimely and inconvenient

For all our loved ones.

So sweet.

(clink) I love you.

(laughs)

I guess you're just lucky if you have someone

Who'll go along for the ride with you.

I can't believe we're having a baby.

I know. It's pretty amazing, huh?

This is pretty awesome, though, right?

I mean, just as good as hotel sex.

You know, there is a hojo's down the street--

Thin walls, scratchyowels, sketchy types out front.

What do you say?

for motel sex?

Ooh.

It'll be like I'm a senator, and you're a tobacco lobbyis

We should arrive separately. (laughs)

Or you're a bored housewife, and I'm a strapping drifr

Looking for a warm meal and some comfort.

J.D., come here.

(lucy) all my cutting problems over.

No more talking cadavers for me.

There's nothing to be scared of. (screams)

(screams) dr. D! What are you doing here?

I'm playing hide-and-seek with turk.

Don't tell him I'm here. Close me up. Close me up!

(lowers voice) hey, if j.D. Sees me, I wasn't here.

Close me up. Close me up!

He's never gonna find me. He's never gonna find me.

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