Original subtitles

Okay, Ron. Enough's enough. Let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

- Dear God, woman. - Three main activities--

baby bingo, baby food tasting,

and my personal favorite-- baby onesie decorating station.

I'm gonna make mine look like an astronaut.

What are you doing up there in space, baby?

Ah! So cute! Okay.

I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

We already have a stroller.

Oh, shoot. Really?

I'm gonna have to think of something else.

Oh, my God, whose baby is that?

That would be mine.

Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

- Oh, Ron, cool baby. - Thank you, Andrew.

Everyone, I'd like to introduce you

to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson.

John was born some time ago,

weighing multiple pounds and several ounces.

Much like his father, he is a fan of silence.

Please keep your voices down.

How am I supposed to keep my voice down

when you had your baby,

and you didn't tell me that you had your baby?

Why would you need to know something like that?

Why would I-- oh, my God.

I have not even sent Diane a gift.

She's just walking around,

wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet.

Should we do something?

Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us, Ron, please just let us know.

Actually there is something.

Could one of you please stop by the pet store

and pick up some fish food for me?

When did you get a fish?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

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Okay, youth committee.

Update on the unity concert. Madison.

So far, 12 bands have said yes.

And we asked them all to submit a song

for the new town anthem contest.

I think we should book Orin as a headliner.

I think it's a no-brainer.

Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel.

The Pawnee Journal called it,

"Why would anyone do this?"

Stop suggesting Orin.

Craig, any update on the art tents?

14 local artists have signed up to show their work.

It was going to be 15, but then this one guy

described himself as "Jackson Pollock-esque"

and I told him that's finger painting for adults

and I hate it!

The Pawnee-Eagleton merger has made for a rough year,

both for me and for the town.

But if I can pull off this unity concert

and prove that this merger was a success,

Pawnee might once again tolerate-slash-ignore me.

I know that sounds bad, but for a politician

it's pretty much the best-case scenario.

You guys might as well be a pile of leaves

because you're about to get blown away.

I have booked a meeting with none other than Grant Larson.

- No one knows who that is? - Um, I do.

"Grant Larson," otherwise known as Elton John.

Congratulations, Leslie.

No, Grant Larson is the director

of the Midwest branch of the National Park Service.

He's basically the Liam Bonneville

of the Midwest.

Liam Bonneville?

The department of the interior's resident bad boy?

He's basically the Tim Dweck-- Okay, never mind.

I have asked Grant to declare Eagleton Hills

a national park

as the grand finale of our unity concert.

Great idea, Leslie.

And with that update,

the Pawnee new founder's day unity concert

is now officially...

ahead of schedule!

And that banner unfurling marks the 100th time

that one of my projects has been...

ahead of schedule.

This is your chance to put your names

on the Pawnee unity concert, the biggest event of 2014...

besides the unveiling of Tricia's new highlights.

You think I wouldn't notice? You look fly as hell, girl!

This unity concert needs corporate sponsorship,

so Ben and I are meeting with local bigwigs.

I'm gonna do what I do best-- lock down deals.

And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff.

You said you genuinely valued my business acumen.

Also, I'm your boss.

Oh, my God, he's so cute.

You're the cutest little boo-bear I've ever seen.

You are the world's most adorable baby

and I love you!

You are so freaking precious!

Look what Gayle made for the baby.

It says "Property of Pawnee government."

Isn't that adorable?

Come on, John.

Jeez.

Here we are...

the park that borders Pawnee and Eagleton.

This is the perfect place for the press conference

to announce our unity concert.

People are gonna clap, they're gonna cheer.

Today might be the day that I finally crowd surf.

I should probably empty my pockets just in case.

Hey, one question.

Um, where do you think you're gonna stand,

in front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee, you suck,"

or "Go home, Eagleton snobs"?

I painted over that graffiti a week ago.

These people are the worst!

I cannot announce a unity concert

in front of a picture of a bald eagle

giving the middle finger.

Yeah, you probably wanna stand to the side

so people can see it.

You know, why do we even have this wall?

We're supposed to be uniting the two towns,

and this literally divides them.

We should just knock it down.

On it, boss.

Ahh!

Ow.

The kool-aid guy makes it look so easy.

In the time I've worked here,

I've taken great pains

to see as little of this building as possible.

Turns out the third floor is silent, empty,

and completely free of government work.

I can't think of anything more beautiful

to share with my son.

If I had a toolbox

I could take care of that faulty radiator.

Ooh! This place is a paradise!

Nicely done, Tom. We have 15 sponsorship offers.

Make that 16. Mitch Savner.

- Savner Bleaches and Chemicals! - That's it.

You guys make my favorite teeth-whitening strips--

pearlies for girlies.

It's unisex.

The cartoon princess on the label says so.

I'll sponsor your concert.

But I'm also looking to invest in other ventures.

I have a feeling a bright guy like you

has some ideas of his own.

I may have a few eggs ready to hatch

in the personal idea nest.

Why don't you come to my office tomorrow

and pitch me your hottest idea?

Perfect! I'll see you then.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

It's all happening, Ben.

Soon I'll have a new career, new crib, new friends.

If all goes well, this may be one of the last times

I ever have to speak to you.

Come with me, I need your help.

Thank you so much, everyone, for coming.

And a special thank you to the city council

for their support.

I was told there'd be a free barbecue buffet?

Just take some beef jerky and...hush!

This spring we will be holding a massive unity concert

to commemorate the merger between Pawnee and Eagleton.

This three-day music and arts festival

will end on a day we will call "New Founder's Day,"

an official beginning to our new town.

A few years ago,

Eagleton put up this wall along the border.

Now it is time to tear down this wall.

In the name of unity,

I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike.

Take it away, guys.

This is such a great day for--

Bees!

Bees! Oh!

Nobody panic!

Ohhh, noooo!

Ah! It stung me in the eyeball!

Oh, man, this is amazing, man.

The stupid Eagletonians

are totally getting the pwned by these bees.

I'm gonna send this straight to tosh.

[Laughing] Ow, [bleep]! [Bleep]!

Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you.

I got stung once, I'm immune.

Go ahead and sting me, bees. It does nothing.

Leslie, it appears that most of the people that were stung were from Eagleton.

How did you pull that off?

I didn't pull anything off.

The Eagletonians were simply closest to the wall.

Plus, one Pawneean was stung... in his mouth

because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.

How did you get your bees into the wall,

and how long did it take to plan

this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?

They were not my bees, Trodd.

And for the last time this was not a prank.

I did not know that bees were in that wall.

I mean, in fact you should treat this

like a public service announcement.

Everybody...should check their walls for bees.

Nice try, prank queen. Probably bees in there.

Okay, that's all the time I have.

What else can you do with your bees?

Leslie, what's your next prank?

Ooh.

Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone

from the National Park Service.

I cannot meet with him right now.

We are in crisis mode, okay?

Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule

because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster.

- Okeydokey. - Wait! No, wait!

No! Larry, don't tell him that.

Don't mention my bee hole.

Just as we suspected, John.

We repaired the valve stem seal,

and now all that remains is to tighten down

this packing nut.

And...that should do it.

Can we help you?

No. We have everything under control.

My crew's redoing this whole floor.

We're the only people allowed up here right now.

Well, proceed with your work. You won't notice us at all.

We're gonna be kinda loud.

My son is several weeks old.

He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

Okay, how about this one-- Lasik for fingernails?

Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again.

All we need is a complicated laser

I have no idea how to build.

- Seems impossible. - All right.

Uh-oh! "Saltweens!" Saltines for tweens.

Seems...unnecessary?

The only business idea I have

that's even remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.

No way.

Restaurants were ranked number one

in Accounting Magazine's "Riskiest Businesses" issue.

That was their last issue before they folded, actually.

Magazines are also very risky.

I can't believe an angel investor

floated down from the heavens,

and I don't even have anything to pitch him.

Come on, you must've had one good business idea.

You're 52 years old!

No, I'm not. But I do have an idea.

It's air-tight.

But I have to warn you, it's not super sexy.

- What is it? - Okay, listen up.

You would be the middleman between dry cleaners

and the companies that sell chemicals...

to dry cleaners.

- Wow! - Right?

You're right, man. That is not sexy.

Leslie Knope's little stunt

put three people in the hospital.

This bee incident is just the latest assault

coming from the Pawnee side of this merger.

Mike Patterson is Eagleton's most tenacious reporter.

When he sinks his teeth into something,

he's like a dog with a bone!

Oh, my God!

You can't lean in to whisper and then yell.

That's not fair.

This merger is so fragile,

everyone is on edge,

and no one is talking about the unity concert.

Why would anybody think that was a prank?

So sad. People will believe anything.

It was a prank though, right?

No more press, okay?

You just have to lay low for a while.

I promise it'll all blow over.

April, your competence and your levelheadedness

is very moving to me, and I will follow your advice

right after I go to the hospital

and apologize to every victim in person.

- Fine, but no cameras. - Fine, I won't bring any.

Aghh! I can't handle all this fighting.

It's like Thanksgiving 2004 all over again!

Don't even ask!

Somebody follow me, I'm distraught!

Who's a big guy?

Man, forget about working.

I just wanna stare at this baby all day.

What is the nature of your work on this floor?

Total redo--new floors, fixtures, plumbing.

How long will it take?

Six to eight weeks.

Deal.

I will do all this work for you in the time allotted.

Just have your tools and materials brought up here.

Are you crazy?

This is enough work for a whole crew.

I'm sure the government believed you

when you told them that,

and I tip my cap to you for profiting off their ignoe.

But I'm offering you two months paid vacation

and the ability to take credit for my work,

which will be flawless.

Okay. Guys, let's go!

I got all help I'll need right here.

Okay, this is the really exciting part.

We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon,

but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon.

Now I know what you're thinking.

What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?

Ben, stop!

This is so boring!

This is like listening to a TED talk

by the color beige.

Look, I know this idea doesn't excite you.

But I promise it'll make you a lot of money.

Well, I sold tons of awesome stuff.

Guess it makes sense my next challenge

is to sell something mind-numbingly dull.

Dull?

Does this look dull to you?

Ahhhh.

I'm so incredibly sorry.

That's very kind of you, Ms. Knope.

I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.

Hey!

Thanks for coming, Knope. I knew we were besties.

What do you got in there for me, some dirty mags?

No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims...

not for jerks who got stung

because they were laughing at other people's pain.

Whatever.

Got a lotta filth in my kindle anyway.

We can just hang.

- Wanna come up? - What?

- We gotta get this. - Roll camera.

Tell me when. Is my hair okay?

We good?

Welcome to Eagleton Now, with Mike Patterson.

We're live ambushing Leslie Knope

who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt,

shoving cameras cameras into the faces

of these poor, injured victims.

These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt.

I just came here by myself

to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.

Really? Because all we see is you talking to your friend,

known Eagleton hater Jeremy Jamm.

Excuse me, Mike. That's, uh, best friend.

Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way

to come together and bury the hatchet.

It doesn't matter who bailed out who,

or who seceded from you.

Awesome idea, Lezzie.

As a matter of fact I say we should secede from Eagleton!

Whose dumbass idea was it for them to merge anyway?

Mine. It was my idea.

You heard it here first.

Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie Knope

and councilman Jeremy Jamm

are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement.

And I, for one, am sick of it.

All right, you know what, Eagleton, enough!

Get these cameras outta here!

Don't touch my camera, you Pawnee animal!

Name-calling, huh?

Classy move, douche bag.

Oh! All right.

Is that how you wanna play?

- Yeah! Come on! - No fighting in a hospital.

There shouldn't be fighting in a hospital!

Wish I had my ninja stars!

Oh, my God! What's happening?

Oh!

Mother...puncher!

Hey, girl. What up?

What are you wearing?

It's to distract people from my black eye.

See? It's working.

Cool. Um... well, there is some good news.

That Mike Patterson guy's show just aired, everyone is angry,

and Jamm is introducing a secession bill

at the next city council meeting.

- How is any of that good news? - It's not.

I just wanted you to have a brief moment of happiness

before you got sadder.

Those jerks that hate the merger are a minority.

They're just shouting louder than everyone else.

I'm sorry this town keeps being stupid and letting you down.

It sucks.

It's okay, April. It's fine.

You know, it's a challenge.

It's just like a big, fun...

stinking turd nugget. It sucks.

You're right, everything sucks.

Everything I try with this merger backfires.

I wonder what other excellent surprise lies in store

for Leslie Knope.

Leslie, Grant Larson from the National Park Service

is here for your meeting.

Excellent.

Now I shall meet with a very important person

whilst sporting a gruesome shiner.

Hey, you're also wearing a tie-dye t-shirt.

Oh, yes! I am!

Wonderful!

Mitch! Thanks for meeting me.

My pleasure.

It's not often that I see someone

with your sparkle and passion.

That's what makes businesses work--

passion!

So, Mr. Haverford, let's get to it.

What idea are you passionate about?

I've got two words for you--

"Tom's Bistro,"

an old-fashioned, old-world Italian restaurant.

Classy, authentic ambience in a small-town setting.

Why does that say

"dry cleaning chemical transactional holding company?"

Ben! You brought the wrong easel. God!

Can't take this guy anywhere. Let me paint you a picture.

Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry.

I had to reschedule. It's been kind of a hectic week.

- What happened to your face? - It doesn't matter.

I would like to apply to turn some of our new land

into a national park.

I read your request, Ms. Knope,

and I'm sorry, but we can't make that happen.

Great.

Well, this week just keeps getting better and better.

Thank you for coming by and plunging a dagger

into my already-bleeding corpse.

I came here because I wanted to meet you.

I've actually wanted to meet you since before you called me.

- Really? You know who I am? - Yes.

You're the person who wrote this.

You read my proposal to clean up the Pawnee river?

I wrote this two years ago.

Got shuffled around in interior for a year and half.

Liam Bonneville actually used it to humiliate staffers, but...

he's kind of a bad boy.

Liam B--

- You don't have to tell me! - This report is legendary.

It's easily the most thoroughly research

and passionate grant request I've ever seen.

Wow, you have no idea how meaningful it is

to hear you say that.

But you're a little late.

The river cleanup's well underway.

This is bigger than the river cleanup.

We're opening a new office in Chicago.

I spent the last few weeks

reading about you and your career

and I think that you're the perfect person to run it.

Leslie, would you like to run a branch

of the National Park Service?

Tom's Bistro will have all the classic elements,

but with modern twists--

an oak bar, live music,

and Sunday brunch with scrambled eggs so fluffy

they'll be like little pillows for your bacon.

Bacon pillows. I like the sound of that.

But I have to say,

restaurants are incredibly risky.

Most of them are dead on arrival.

We're well-aware of that,

but believe me, Tom has thought this out.

See, there's plenty of real estate available

in the old Eagleton part of town.

And with the recent closures, there's massive demand

for affordable dining that feels high-end.

Okay!

As long as you're running, I'm in.

Amazing!

Hey, kid...

your boss here sure knows his stuff.

Ron. What are you doing here?

The most important government work I've ever done--

sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

What are you doing here?

I come here to think sometimes.

By myself.

- But now that you're here... - Damn it.

I am going to speak to you very vaguely

about a problem that I have,

and you cannot ask me any questions or details about it.

That is my ideal conversation, aside from no conversation.

But that feels unlikely.

Look, you know how much I love Pawnee.

But the more I try to fix it the more people fight me.

They call me names, they recall me,

they try to kill the merger.

They literally punch me in the face.

And yet every time I contemplate leaving,

just walking away once and for all,

I just can't do it.

What is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator.

Threaded a new valve into the side,

removed the handle from the base,

unscrewed the packing nut from the stem.

This subpar toolbox only had one wrench,

so I was lucky it was a three-quarters

or I'd have been screwed.

Yeah, man, you are lucky.

Come on, Ron.

What the hell? I need your help.

By the time I was done,

this 100-year-old piece of American-made cast iron

was singing like a bird.

Now...to most people, this story would seem boring.

That's ridiculous. It's a story about a radiator.

But to me, it was immensely satisfying

because I enjoy fixing radiators.

You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have.

You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle.

I would also add that you've already done

a hell of a lot to make this town better,

and people like this young man here

will benefit from your hard work.

- He is a beautiful boy. - He's quite a looker.

Thank you, Ron.

- What's that? - Nothing.

Clearing my throat.

I've been thinking about your offer.

And I have to say I can't think of one single reason

not to take it.

That's great!

I'll start drawing up the paperwork.

I'm sorry, I meant...

because I can think of a lot of reasons

not to take it.

Okay, wow, that's very misleading phraseology.

I'm sorry.

It's an amazing offer and I'm very interested,

but if I'm going to leave Pawnee...

I need to know it's gonna be okay without me.

And I won't know until I finish what I've started.

When do you need your answer?

Well, the gears of federal government

grind pretty slowly, so you have a little time.

But we can't wait forever. I'll be in touch.

Great. Thank you.

That's not your hand. Here it is.

Sorry, my depth perception is totally screwed up.

Really happy that worked out for you, Tom,

but you kinda sold me out back there.

I know, and I'm sorry.

But Mitch asked me what I was passionate about,

and honestly I'm never gonna be passionate

about dry cleaning chemicals.

To each his own, I guess.

I know opening a restaurant is risky,

but I can make this work.

I know I can!

Then count me in as the second investor

in Tom's Bistro.

Thanks, man.

I know this is a symbolic gesture,

but my investor floor is $1,000.

So as of now, you own zero shares.

Cool! Thanks for clearing that up.

Now go do work, or I will fire you.

I'm not kidding.

Yep!

Oh, look, John. It's red pine.

They were gonna put flecked linoleum

over this beautifully preserved knotty red pine.

Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].

This is the best day I've ever spent

in a government building,

and luckily my son was here to share it with me.

He now has that satisfied look

that only comes with the pride of labor.

Or he pooped.

Either way, well done, John.

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