All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e09 of Dunshired.eng

- Are you ready?
- Yes!

No, babe. Are you ready?

Yes?

I got fired from running
the Sweetums Foundation.

Thanks to me.
Sorry, again.

Hey, blessing in disguise.

I took a job
at this accounting firm,

they've tried to hire me
three times, I finally gave in.

But I've had a week off
in between jobs,

and I've been cooking up
something pretty big.

The last time
he was in between jobs,

he got deep into claymation,

so this should be different,
hopefully.

Presenting
"The Cones of Dunshire,"

a brand-new gaming experience.
8 to 12 players.

Two wizards, a Maverick,
the arbiter, two warriors,

a corporal, and a ledgerman.

Now, the ledgerman
just keeps score,

and he wears this hat.

Oh, boy.

Now, the object
is to accumulate cones.

Four cones wins,
but in order to get a cone,

you have to build
a civilization.

The other amazing thing
is the challenge play.

Actually, let me tell you
more about the trivia cards,

'cause you're gonna need to know
about roadblocks first.

Nah, never mind. The thing
about the challenge play

is that it's basically
the game...in reverse.

Then you roll three dice to see
how many dice you roll with.

Oh, 16.
Perfect, lots of choices.

Okay, each turn goes:
Roll, buy, action.

I mean, obviously, this would be
much taller in the real game.

But the corporal can veto.

This should be green too.
How did this happen?

Are the cones a metaphor?
Well, yes and no.

- What is this called again?
- "The Cones of Dunshire."

Oh, my God, the Maverick should

be able to trade lumber
for agriculture credits.

How have I not
thought of this before?

This is nothing, right?

When do you go
back to work again?

Tomorrow. It's fine.

I'll just throw this
in the garbage.

[Triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

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As soon as Knope is gone,

these are going up
all over Chambers.

Jamm for three!

Ha ha! What,
are you trying to build a house

with those bricks?

Ooh!
The girl is attacking me.

Any new business
before we adjourn?

Yes, I have one--

the Pawnee Commons.

[All groan]
Oh, boy.

The money
for the Pawnee Commons,

aka the greatest future park
in the world,

aka my personal dream project...

Aka...
[Blows raspberry]

Is currently
in a discretionary fund.

I'd like to move it
to a lockbox,

to ensure that it is used
for that project.

The thing is, Leslie,
this kind of decision is--

it's not really up
to you anymore.

Because the voters, to use
a technical political term,

gave you the stanky boot.

But we'll keep your money safe,
baby girl.

What, you think
I'm gonna use it

to put a new limestone shower
in my office?

Yeah, now I do.

I propose that
we table this discussion

until, let's say,
the second Knope is gone.

Later, bunheads.

Glass!

Video Ron demand.

What you carrying, my dude?

The time has come
to sell my cabin.

But I haven't had much luck
finding a buyer.

"For sale. Small house.

Location: Forest."

It's a little wordy,
don't you think?

"Current owner will not
clean up

shotgun shells
or animal carcasses."

The hell is wrong with you,
Swanson?

Fine, I'll clean up
the shotgun shells,

but the carcasses remain
to fertilize my berry patch.

If you really want to unload
that little horror cabin,

you gonna need a professional
to stage it properly.

Lucky for you, I recently
got my real estate license.

Spladow!

Check it.

"Regal Meagle Realty."

- [Mouths]
- "Find your castle."

Fine, I suppose
I could use some help.

Yo, Donna,
let me get a little skin

in the game,
maybe split that commission?

All right.
Show me what you got.

I'll split that commish.

Both:
Split that commish

The question I always
ask myself is,

what kind of mogul should I be?

Fashion mogul,
energy drink mogul.

I even thought
about downhill skiing.

A mogul mogul.

But a real estate mogul?

Hmm.

That's a hot mogul right now.

Ben Wyatt, reporting for duty.

How you doing, Barney?
Good to see you again.

I just can't believe
it's finally happening.

[Laughs]

Dad! He's here!

He really came!

Hello, Ben. I'm Frank.

I took the job
when you passed it up last time.

Heard a lot about you.

Well, all good things, I hope.

A little too good.

Let's see if you live up
to the hype.

[Chuckles]

I'm not joking.

Oh.

Frank seems cool.

Well, tell everybody
in Michigan I said hi,

and tell your mom that
I love the banana cake

she posted on Pinterest.

Oh, the father of your child
is here.

I have to go.
I'll talk to you soon.

- I love you.
- Was that Ann?

I hope you were speaking
to her in a calming voice

'cause babies can hear
everything.

Baby, if you can still hear me,
I love you.

- The phone is hung up.
- Oh.

You got my message
about Jamm being a dinkhead?

Yes, but as city manager,
I can't play sides.

And I think
all of our heads can be

a little dinky at times.

Fine, but his is the dinkiest.

And I would know
because I'm keeping score.

Ever since
I started city council,

I have gone head-to-head
with Jamm 112 times.

He has won 56 times,
I have won 56 times.

I will not lose
our last battle.

Will you help me?

No.

Oh.

The way you stood up like that,

I thought it was gonna go
a different way.

No, I can't help directly,
but I am on your side.

And I will assist you
in any way that I can.

Maybe I can mediate,
like Dr. Phil,

only qualified.

So what's the story, Ron?

Diane making you sell
this place?

Not at all.

Recently, I purchased
a new cabin

big enough
for the whole family.

I just can't justify
owning four cabins.

Two cabins.

The new cabin I bought
has a great tire swing

for the girls, access to a lake

for all the kids to play in.

Plus, it doesn't have
these razor-sharp

perimeter defense planks
sticking out of the ground.

I usually get a 5% commission,
but I'll do it for 3%.

Friends and family discount.

Make it 5%.

I don't want you getting any
ideas about us being friends.

- Respect.
- Donna, baby.

For the fireplace,
I'm thinking fake antlers.

But what kind of scarves
do we want to hang

off the fake antlers?

- Oh, duh. Crocheted.
- Most def.

That'll look legit next to those
antique "Visit France" posters.

Mm.
[Ron growls]

Ron, you want to stay outside

and do nothing while they make

your cabin look like garbage?

I'd like that very much.

We can watch the shadows
get longer.

Okay.

Wow, you guys sure take

the start-up paperwork
seriously around here.

Sorry to start you out
like this,

and on a Friday no less.

But it's our toughest case.

Three competing family trusts,
a contested will--

it's a real puzzler!
[Chuckles]

So let's see
what you got, genius.

If I'm murdered tonight,

start the investigation
with those two guys.

[Knock on door]

The hell you nerds doing here?

We're not done talking
about the lockbox.

This isn't over.

And I am here to mediate.
[Blows whistle]

You can't just show up
at my door like this.

Look, I know we have had
our differences,

but this is very important
to me.

And I'm not leaving
until we hash this out.

I respect the moxie, Knope.

You can come in for a minute.

Shoes off.
This is a house of respect.

Well, I don't need to do that.
My feet are very clean.

No shoes, you lose.

"No shoes, you lose"?

That means we should have shoes
then, right?

No shoes...

Hmm.

Yeah, so this is
my weekend dojo.

Sorry, the place
is a bit of a mess.

My wife's in Oklahoma
for eight months.

Maybe forever.
We'll see if she forgives me.

- Who's that, Michelle Wie?
- It's not sexual.

I'm just a really big fan
of her game.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because in that picture,
she's wearing a bikini.

Yeah, thanks.
Photoshopped it myself.

Fantastic.

Well, this is about the time

I hit the hay, so...

Why don't we all hit the hay?

We'll stay here,
get a good night's sleep,

and we can start negotiations
tomorrow.

We stopped at the outlet mall
on the way here.

Got ourselves a sleeping bag,
a giant tin of caramel corn,

and an irregular skirt
from DKNY.

The hem is crooked,
but it was 8 bucks.

The point is, I am not leaving
until I get that lockbox.

Oh, playing hardball, huh?

Hey, no sweat off my sack.

You can take the couch,

if you can get
my exercise equipment

out of the way.

I think I can handle it.

How sweet is this table,
by the way, huh?

I got it
from an actual benihana.

Cost me 4 grand.
Worth every penny.

Hai!

Can I interest anyone

in an authentic
a-Japanese a-break-a-fast?

Scrambled eggs eaten
with chopsticks? Okay.

Hai!

You know,
maybe we should negotiate

- while we're eating.
- No, what's the rush?

Plenty of time for that later.

You know what might put you
in the mood to talk is

a couple of brewskis

and a calendar featuring

some of your favorite
female wrestlers.

[Whistles]

Oh, yeah.

Knope, you know the way
to a man's heart.

Yeah, okay.
Let's talk.

You got it.

These people won't leave.

One guy even looked
in the bathroom.

Yeah, that means
they like the place.

If you just leave them alone,

I think we might get
some offers.

This evergreen scented candle
should help put people

in the mood to buy.

You could just open the door

and let the actual smell
of the pines in.

Trees are sticky,
and they got bugs in them.

This place is so random.

I don't know. It's kind of,
like, in the middle of nowhere.

I know. That's,
like, the hilarious part.

It's like a joke
how long it takes to get here.

It's like a meta-cabin.

- Oh yeah.
- That's what I thought, yeah.

I heard that Dave Eggers
wrote a short story

about this tape cassette
that he found

under that tree over there.

- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing?

I'm trying to get
these annoying dumdums

to pay more money
for your cabin.

Carry on.

Oh, my God, I heard that

Neko Case and Ben Gibbard
made out here once.

What?

Saturday at the firm with Ben.

Okay, we dissolve
the loan-out

and file bankruptcy.

That way only our clients
have claim to the assets.

[Mockingly] Great idea...

that we had a month ago.

The problem is,
the trust still has claim

to the property.

Then we dissolve the trust.

Clients "A," "B," and "F,"
they would have to agree,

but if they went for it,
we could arbitrate.

He's right.

We never thought of that.

Oh, oh!
Ben, Ben.

Say it again but this time
I'm gonna turn the light on,

like you just had an idea.

Sure, sure.
Yeah, I'm with you.

Um, okay.

What if we dissolve the trust?

Yes!
You just cracked the case.

I'm just doing my job.

[Chuckles]

Okay, here's an idea.

Maybe we name part of the park

- the "Jamm Zone"?
- Hmm.

Yeah, Jamm could dig on that.

How about if in the Jamm zone,

there's no married chicks
allowed?

Caution, Jeremy.

I think there are people
that will find

the "No Married Chicks" zone

both morally repugnant
and hard to enforce.

All right.

Listen, let us celebrate
this progress

by sharing
these authentic edamame,

or Tokyo beans.

Now I want you
to be very careful

about eating these.

You eat the shells,
and you throw the seeds out.

Wow. You have really immersed
yourself in Asian culture.

Now I think maybe
we should revisit

the holding bond idea.

Ugh, Lezzie.
Come on, I'm getting bored.

I mean, we've been
at this for hours.

Can we please take a break?

Perhaps he has a point.

And we've made some progress.

Maybe we go home and take
the rest of it up on Monday.

No, I cannot wait until Monday.

I need to close this deal now.

So I have an idea.

Let's have a change of venue

and keep negotiating
while we have fun.

If I remember correctly,
you enjoy

the ancient art of karaoke,
yes?

I do.
And kudos on that pronunciation.

I remembered
your favorite duet.

Maybe it's time to take
this party to Rydell High.

Whoa!

I cannot wait to hear
your Travolta.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm Sandra Dee.

That's more of my register.

You're Zuko.

Both:
Uh

I would like to buy five DVDs
of this.

No, 20.

No, 60!
No, that's insane.

20.

Both:

Good news.

We have multiple bidders.

That guy's getting
his financials together.

Plans on tearing
the whole place down,

just wants it for the land.

Why would he want to tear down
a perfectly good cabin?

I think he's a developer,

wants to put in
a luxury glamp-ground.

Glamping is "glamour camping."

Heated tents,
catered meals, wi-fi--

You're describing a hotel.

And I think we still have
traction with those two.

Oh, hey, man.
I love the mustache.

So funny.

You ever think about twisting
it up at the ends, huh?

Use a little beeswax?

The open house is now closed.

We are not accepting bids
at this time.

The sun sets in 95 minutes.

Good day.

[Laughs]

That's part of the charm
of this whole place--

the cantankerous old coot
who owns it.

It's authentic!

I gotta say,
that was pretty fun up there.

We have fun
when we collaborate, right?

Working together?
Lockbox, right?

You know, in some weird,
perverted, sexual way,

I'm gonna miss you
when you're gone.

- Oh.
- You are my Nemesis.

You're the Superman
to my Lex Luthor.

You want to be Lex Luthor?

Uh, yeah.
Lex Luthor is rich.

Well, okay.
I can't argue with that.

So I did Zuko for you.

Now you give me the lockbox.

Leslie put a beautiful cross
into the box, Jeremy.

Time for you to head it in.

All right, Knope.
What can I say?

You wore me down.

I will give you my word,
and I will put it in writing,

so I can't back out.

We won't touch the money
for one year.

And if the economy holds up,
you can start construction then.

[Blows whistle]

Leslie, you have your lockbox.

And you scored
a triple dragon on your song.

No, I cannot wait a year.

I want to get started now.

I want construction started
on Monday.

You have his word.

And this is riddled
with spelling errors,

- but it is binding.
- It's not good enough!

Jamm, I sang your stupid song,

I ate your stupid
fake Asian food,

and by the way,
you should know,

you don't make sushi rolls
out of tuna salad--

Maybe you don't.

I did practically
everything you wanted,

and you won't just give this
to me today?

Screw you!

[Blows whistle]

- You're giving a card to me?
- You left me no choice.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Please, could you excuse us?

Leslie, you should be happy!

You beat Jamm
in the final battle.

Unless there's something more
going on here.

Ann.
This is about Ann.

Ann Perkins?
I love Ann Perkins.

Pawnee Commons is why
I met Ann five years ago.

And I know you guys are
talking about moving.

But I guess I thought
if maybe Ann came back

from Michigan tomorrow,
and I was able to look

into her smoky,
ethnically ambiguous eyes

and tell her that we were
breaking ground

on a new park,
she might--

- she might want to stay.
- Leslie, I'm sorry.

Ann didn't just go
to Ann arbor to visit family.

She went to sign the lease
on our new home.

Ann arbor sounds disgusting.

She already has family there.

And I have a new job lined up
at the University of Michigan.

Go blue!

It's a good town.

And it's a great place
to raise a family.

What is great about it?
There's no JJ's Diner there.

There's no
"Welcome to Pawnee" sign.

I mean, the stupid state

is split up into two pieces!

It's ridiculous.

Unexpected play here, Superman.

Not exactly sure
what you're going for,

but I dig your Gambit.

There is no Gambit here, Jamm.

And who sides
with Lex Luthor, by the way?

You probably watch
Million Dollar Baby

and root for the stool.

I haven't seen it.

Not a big Morgan Freeman guy.

I find his voice very grating.

I am leaving now.
I am not moving.

I'm just going home.

Are you guys coming back
to my place?

What's--what's--
or are you guys going back to--

we wrapping up the weekend?

No?

All: Surprise!
- Oh, my God!

[Laughter]

I hope you don't mind.

We decided to throw you
a pizza party

to say congrats
for cracking the case.

Oh, my God, you guys.

See what we got here.

Wait a second.
That's not pizza.

Those are calzones!

[Laughter]

- I love calzones!
- We know!

I think it's safe to say
I made the right choice.

What's up, guys?

All: Hey!

[Kind and Generous
by Natalie Merchant]

BFF slideshow?

You know that
even after we leave Pawnee,

Ann will always be
your best friend.

[Stops music]

And it's not that long a trip.

Well, it would be even faster

if the governor would return
my calls

about my Pawnee-to-Ann arbor
bullet train idea.

You know, I went
to Jamm's with you because

I also want to leave
the right kind of legacy,

and that includes
Pawnee commons.

Well, I think
I burned that bridge with Jamm.

We're not gonna get
that lockbox.

And I am not singing
Beauty School Dropout.

It's sexist,
and I don't do slow jams.

I have an idea.

And I'd like you to consider it

a good-bye gift
from me to you.

No, thank you.
I will let him know.

That was that couple you liked
at the open house.

I despised them.

Well, they just came back
with a new offer

and jacked that shizz up.

Way over asking price.

Ron, who cares who they are?
That's a massive bid.

I'ma be a mogul.

I bought that cabin
18 years ago for $2,200.

I do not care about the money.

I can't even understand
what you're saying right now.

That cabin served
an important purpose for me,

as a quiet refuge from
the nonsense of modern life.

I'd like the next owners
to understand

and share that purpose.

Find me someone like that,
and I'll happily sell.

I'll buy it.

You can't afford that house.

Can you afford that house?

What would you use it for?

I'd go up there
and take Andy and Champion

and just get away
from everyone else

and look at spiders.

And it's where I'd bury
the bodies

of that annoying couple
after I murder them.

Here's my offer.

I will give you everything
in my purse.

$8, a bunch
of loose cough drops,

and Larry's asthma inhaler.

Thank God.
I've been looking for that.

Larry, this is part of
a real estate transaction now.

You have no legal claim to it.

Sorry, I had no idea.

This is the best offer
I've heard yet.

Uh, you tripping right now.

Sold.

Don't even trip.

Your commission.

Thanks a lot.

Your share, mogul.

I'm about to play golf
with a guy

who was almost
on The Apprentice,

so this better be good.

You give Leslie her lockbox,

and you get me
in your hip pocket.

Starting in my next term
as city manager,

I will give you
one huge I.O.U.,

no questions asked.

Hmm.

Jamm likes the sound of that.

Let's make it five I.O.U.s,
and you got a deal.

You drive a hard bargain,
but you leave me no choice.

Fine.
Five huge IOUs.

Deal, guys.

You must really want that park.

I do. Yes.

And to tell you the truth,

I'm doing it all
for my best friend.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Leslie,
you're my best friend too.

Well, vote passed. 3-2.

Jamm is gonna be so pissed
when he finds out

that you're leaving

and your I.O.U.s are worthless.

Are you sure you're okay
with what you did?

Well, it's not
the most ethical thing

that I've ever done,

but on the flip side,
Jamm is a big, mean dope.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I hope that this eases

some of the pain of us
moving away a little bit.

Oh, I'm currently
in deep denial

that that's happening.

Speaking of which,
how's the new gig coming?

Well, I got a raise,

and my fridge is full
of calzones,

so not complaining.

The reason I ask is
this town is gonna need

a new city manager.

And I've talked to some people,

and you have the votes
if you want the job.

Wh--
[Stammers]

Seriously?

Is this for realskis?

This is 100% certified
for realskis.

- What do you say?
- I mean, I--wow.

I would be insane to say no.

Oh, no.

Wyatt, you're late.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding,
you can do whatever you want.

Actually, Barney,

I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Today's my last day.

I got an opportunity
I couldn't say no to,

and I have to quit.
Again.

No need to explain.

I knew it was too good
to be true.

Oh, I do have
a little going-away gift.

Left it in the break room.

If anyone could appreciate it,
it's you guys.

"You can play with one warrior,

"but it's just
not nearly as good.

Enjoy.
Ben Wyatt."

Let's play.

Both: I call ledgerman!
- No.

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