Original subtitles

- Bye! - Oh, I do hope Stevie's gonna be OK.

They're just on a foraging trip. He'll be fine, Felix.

- Have you got a little crush on him? - On Stevie?

No! Dirty, yucky boys.

Are... are they love bites? Felix!

That's so '90s.

Love bite, no. It's obviously the bite of a vampire.

- What vampire? - Button it with your science, Susan.

A vampire crept into my room last night.

Luckily enough I set fire to the rich brocade of his cape before he got his teeth really stuck in.

- Look! Wild garlic! - Oh. That'll keep the pesky vampire away.

Aaargh!

Laura! Say sorry to Harry.

- Why have they all got brooms? - Obviously I was teaching them Quidditch.

- Oi! - That girl is driving me crazy.

- Maybe she's got ADHD. - Maybe she's eaten a magic mushroom.

Wait, you think our daughter may be high? And you are this calm about it?

- Kids experiment. - Oh, guys...

Oh, my God. Is it nuclear radiation, radiation sickness?

Open your eyes, woman! This is proof. Now give me that garlic.

Oh, shit, they're vampires!

- It's so obvious now I see it! - Team Jacob till I die, motherfuckers!

Tom!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

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Quiet! Can we have quiet? Quiet, please!

Every child in the camp has been taken ill.

What?

- I wish we could Google this. - Google? I'd settle for Bing.

- I'd "Ask Jeeves" - I am desperate. - The children must remain quarantined.

- Only the doctor can have contact with them. - Why can't we see our kids?

Because the disease is contagious.

Stay away from me, for God's sake.

Doctor, how come their kid ain't green? What makes them special?

All right, we're in this together. I'll do anything to help. Name it.

Well, I have created an antidote.

But it needs a test subject.

Someone willing to risk a slow and hideously painful death.

Cool. I would put myself forward for that...

But did I tell you about my unusual blood type...

...and my allergy to shellfish?

Is there any prawns in the antidote?

Any cockles or haddock?

Then I'll volunteer myself.

And now ask me anything you like. I shall do my best to answer all your questions.

- Dr Pepper. - Not my name.

Who stole my Dr Pepper? I took a crate from the supermarket yesterday. I'm distraught.

I think we've got more important questions than that right now.

- Tom? - Yeah, the thing about, you know...

You don't actually go blind, do you?

Cos one lonely term, I went down to, like, a minus six.

What? We're all thinking it.

We're so not.

Felix?

How easy would it be for you to give me a vagina?

Just a little buttercup.

One a bit like Susan's.

Who are you? Have you seen my Dr Pepper?

Have one sip, please? Laura!

No! Water's boring and yucky!

Oh! Tom, can you help, please?

- These could be the symptoms... - What can I do?

Something! Anything! Will you just get off your arse, please?

- Hello. - Oh, hi, Randal.

- Been there long? - A while.

- OK. - And you're here because?

The children's toys and their books.

Yes, why don't we lend your green friends some of your toys, Laura?

- That would be a nice thing to do. - Are you out of your mind?

Nobody cares about me!

Susannah, the children's things could be contaminated. They need to be...

How do I put this?

Incinerated.

- What does incinerated mean? - It means have a nice holiday.

Your toys need to unwind, have a bit of me-time.

No, crossed wires. Sorry, I meant destroying her treasures with fire.

- Oh, Randal! - Burn them, sorry.

- You can't burn my toys! Mum! - We're gonna burn them! Burn your toys.

- Sorry, I'm so flowery. It's a problem. - The books can't be contaminated.

You can't burn them. They're irreplaceable!

- Doctor's orders, Susannah. - Huh.

- Never got the hang of flint. - OK, stop! Both of you.

I'll talk to the doctor, try and sort this out. Don't burn anything until I get back.

OK, I'll tell you what. How about I torch all the school books now

and I come back later for the rest?

- Deal? - That sounds very reasonable.

Suze?

- All right, Felix? - I'm a woman and my name is Felicity.

Look, any other day I'd be your rock. But I'm gonna have to cut you off.

Would you? See, the doctor says I need counselling

before he gives me the old sniperoo.

You'd regret such a whim! Now, about the doctor...

He ain't green no more. The antidote works.

Trouble is, there's not enough of it to go round.

- I've got to speak to the doctor right now, so... - Hang on. What about equality?

- If he sees the doctor, we all see the doctor. - Yeah!

Probably me first, for suggesting the idea.

The doc's taking your bids one by one. The highest bidder wins.

Like some kind of gameshow.

If you don't let me in, we're gonna kick the door down.

Let's burn this hospital to the ground!

Burn it! Help our kids!

Your kids are in the hospital. How's burning it gonna help?

Revolution! Come on, social media, let's make this happen!

- Noises! Big noises! - Burn it! Help our kids!

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!

Tom! Round the back, a sheet of red corrugated iron.

Knock out the rhythm of Faith by George Michael.

Faith. Catchy.

Catchy? It's bloody contagious!

Too soon?

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!

Burn it! Help our kids!

The books, please.

Stop being so damn quiet!

You artful minx!

This is some primitive electronic tag.

It's like you've got me on some medieval register.

Stop! The books are contagious!

Doc, I need your help.

My master will see you now, human.

I can come back later. Cos I can assume the doctor's busy treating you?

Hey, girlfriend.

Quick quezzie. Am I a pear?

Only I've been toying with an A-line but think I got a smidge too much junk in the old trunk.

No, I... No.

- What's in there? - Nothing.

It's just drinking water for the... kids. I'm amazed you're even curious.

Oh, I'm curious all right.

Have I got a bubble butt?

- No. - Well, thank you.

- Well, I hope young Jessie recovers. - You're a hero, Doctor.

It's an honour to give you all of our winter clothes and fuel and Jessie's little shoes.

Go on.

Thank you.

Too many patients, not enough medicine. What can I do?

- And the? - The robot?

Yamato was given to me by Mrs Takagi in exchange for the antidote.

- Daiquiri, Doctor? - Amazing what the Japanese can do.

Mm. Feel that craftsmanship.

You are aware that's a man with a colander on his head?

Can't believe your own eyes, eh? Well, I don't blame you. So life-like.

Touch him. His skin's so soft.

Look, my daughter's sick. She's been acting crazy...

Tom, you can see my dilemma.

My time is valuable...

What do you want? I'll give you anything - just make her better.

It's not about what I want. It's about what I need.

The touch of another...

But will Suze let me have it?

- Daiquiri, Doctor? - Not now, Yamato!

- So the doctor's gone insane. - Tom.

- I don't feel well, Daddy. - Oh, shit.

- You're not sleeping with him. - You act like I want to sleep with him!

- It's not going to happen. - It's not your decision.

Ah, this is about your pride and insecurities.

- Wait. I'll steal it! - You can't steal medicine!

I know where he keeps the antidote.

I can do this, using all my natural stealth and cunning.

OK. Fine.

And when the doctor catches you, tell him I'll be along at 8:30.

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help our kids!

Oh, shit.

- Bonsoir. - Oh!

Sorry, Felix.

- Felicity. - No bother.

I'm pretty down in the dumps TBH.

Just baring my breasts into the moon.

Cool. Well, I've got some urgent business, so chin up and...

Oh, sure, I look bootylicious in the wig.

But... underneath it all, I'm still just Felix.

Do you want to talk about it now or?

But one day... this chrysalis is gonna burst open and Felicity...

Mmm - bitch is gonna fly.

Burn it! Help our kids!

Lasers? Oh, you'll have to do better than that.

OK. Go on. Go, go.

Oh shit. Shit.

Argh!

Well, well, Yamato. We've caught ourselves a fly.

- Affirmative, master. - Stop pretending you're not a twat in a bin.

Does not compute.

Ooh, with his laser pen. Any more fancy stationery?

Got one of those pens with the woman and you click and her bra goes down?

You know, cos if you do, I'd love to have, like, one peek.

- Unless you do go blind? - Sit down, Tom.

- No. I'm going home. - It's too late for that.

Unless you want the people to know about this little indiscretion?

When did you get so creepy?

Yamato, calculate the statistical probability of Laura's survival,

if her condition remains untreated.

Probability of survival is one in 330,000.

Ooh!

He has made that number up on the spot.

Do you know what I'm asking for, to save your daughter's life?

I'm not prostituting my girlfriend.

I don't want her.

I want... you.

- You want? - You.

To?

Oh yeah, daddy.

Yes. Yes. Deeper.

Ahh...

- Yeah. OK. - Really?

- Yeah, I guess. - Right. You seem quite... keen?

I'm not keen.

Just, what am I actually sacrificing, you know?

But you're quite clear on what I want?

- One night. - All night in the chocolate factory.

- And then you give Laura the antidote? - After I ruin you.

Come on! You're killing the romance.

- Tomorrow? - Sundown.

Deal.

I think a dance, Yamato.

Latin.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

- You're not sleeping with him. - You act like I want to sleep with him!

- You wouldn't let me sleep with him. - Yes! Because you're... you.

I can just take it on the chin. Or wherever he wants to put it.

Oh, and what I couldn't? Why?

- You're gonna say it's because I'm a woman. - Yes, I am, because he doesn't fancy women.

He fancies me.

- Are you jealous? - No, I'm not jealous!

Tom, have you ever... with a man?

In year three, I let Paul Peskin touch my penis for a bet.

- What did you get? - A shiny Bulbasaur.

Is that a?

Ew! Bulbasaur is a Pokemon. Please don't cheapen him.

- Hey. You OK? - I'm scared.

If Laura dies, then all the cockroaches I've eaten,

all the psychotic hobos I've beaten to death won't mean a fucking thing.

Hey, hey, I'm not gonna let that happen.

OK?

Morning. Anyone home?

Who's that?

When my daughter turned green, the doctor didn't want any of our possessions.

So this was the obvious choice?

The doctor's got some - I won't say racist - but some odd ideas about the Japanese.

That they're obedient, good with technology.

- This was our last chance... - Brilliant.

I'm not even Japanese. I'm from Shanghai.

Tell us about the doctor.

I discovered the doctor's antidote is a compound of sesquiterpene lactones and allium ursinum.

- Wild garlic and wormwood. - I found wild garlic in the woods!

- And you're sure about the antidote? - Before the bombs, I was a scientist.

- I taught chemistry. - OK.

Suze, you and Yamato go and find the plant. I'll stay with Laura.

And if you're not back in time, then I'll do what I have to do.

I admire you, Tom.

I mean, I'm humiliating myself, but you?

You are putting your arse on the li...

yourself on the line.

Please shut up and hurry because I really, really don't want to do this.

Now, go on! Go!

Dad, will you read me a fairy tale?

Laura! These could be infected.

But I love fairy tales, Daddy.

All right. Come on, then.

Which one do you want? Hans Christian Andersen...

Or what about Tony Blair's autobiography?

I like when it God comes down from the sky and tells Tony to invade Iraq.

All right.

God slapped me on the back.

"Immoral? Forget about it." He laughed in his broad American accent.

- Read to me about the princess. - Ah, OK.

Here we go.

Chapter One.

Usually, a girl meets her prince at a ball at a magical palace

or in the queue for the toilets at Sugar Hut.

But I met Pete in the jungle.

Ahhh...

- Ooh. - What is it?

I cut a worm in half.

Yeurgh!

That's how he's doing it! Hermaphroditic Cestoidea.

Worms! I've got to get back before the doctor suspects me.

Here's what you have to do.

Writing a novel is hard, I realised when my fifth ghost-writer also killed himself.

Ah, Suze, thank God.

Ready to go, boss?

Damn.

Where are you going, Dad?

I'm gonna get you better, sweetheart.

I brought you gloves, gum shield and bucket.

We're having sex, Felix. We're not boxing.

Oh, clearly you've never seduced three shepherds,

on a scrubland strewn with corpses underneath the Severn Bridge?

No, no, I haven't.

Well, it's one for the bucket list, let me tell you.

Good luck, mate.

Yep. It's gonna be fine.

That's the attitude, lie to yourself. There's no shame in that.

Come on, it's really not a big deal.

- Just look after Laura. - You got it.

Your daddy's a brave, brave man, sweetheart.

Burn it! Help our kids! Burn it! Help...

Sit down. Relax.

- Drink? - Yes.

- I want this man well-lubricated. - Affirmative, master.

- Do you like jazz? - Oh, God.

Oh, yeah! Yamato!

Fly me to Birdland.

You ever wish you were born a schoolgirl in Tokyo?

No.

- Look, do we have to go through... - The seduction?

I like to break my horse in before I ride it over the finish line.

Oh, you mother...

And thus I vanquish your queen.

What say we play the super-computer?

Hop in, Yamato. We want to tag-team your icily logical posterior.

No, Tom!

What the hell you doing?

Get your hands off my man, you heartless, spine-chilling...

...totally naked shit.

A real dark turn.

Et tu, Yamato-san?

Can you please tell me what's happening?

- You all right? - Stop fighting. Both of you!

What's going on?

- Sssh... - We're just playing a game.

Go back to sleep.

Don't wake the children.

Aargh!

- I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Ah, she's got a gob on her.

Ow!

Shhhh!

Lasers! Damn it!

Checkmate.

Aaargh!

Ow!

I think I've broken my knuckle.

He's probably not gonna want to fix that, is he?

Can someone please tell me what's going on?

- I put a parasite in the school water supply. - He gave the children worms.

The parasite produces an iron deficiency.

And because your children were malnourished anyway,

- it produced a distinctive visible symptom... - And the kids turned green.

And then you invented an antidote to kill off the parasite.

- Grrr! Meddling robot. - I'm a chemistry teacher.

You're goddamn right, Heisenberg.

- How could you infect children? - It's private healthcare in action.

- Supply and demand. - Don't hate the playa.

Hate the game.

You nearly destroyed this community. For what?

Dollar bills, yo.

Old blankets, new wheels for my shopping trolley and this fabulous dressing gown.

That shit means more to you than human life?

Pretty much, yes. I didn't even really want to have sex with you.

That was just a power thing.

Oh, I don't mean I didn't enjoy it. You were fine.

You were a six.

Six point five.

- Was I late? - Leave it.

- I don't wanna talk about it. - I... I couldn't come any quicker.

Tell me about it. I took a while.

Laura? Laura, wake up. Daddy's home.

- Daddy! - Let's get you better, sweetheart.

What the?

Come here!

Stay away from me - I'm contagious.

It's paint.

Do you have any idea what your dad just did for you?

You were worrying about the other kids. I got jealous.

- Sorry, Dad. - Don't worry.

I totally forgive you.

- Something's wrong with you. - It's down there.

Right. That sort of stuff is your mum's... lady-business.

- So I'll just go for a long, long walk. - No, I mean under the bed, Dad.

Dr Pepper?

No wonder you didn't drink the water at school.

I know it was wrong, but it felt so good.

- So she was high. - And then she went cold turkey.

- I think these belong to someone. - They didn't burn them!

No, I stopped 'em. These here are your identity.

I know what it's like to have society destroy that. I am what I am.

- Thanks, Felix! - You're a good man. Or woman.

- Can I play with my friends? - Oh, go on, then.

They're with Zorbotron's dad, playing a board game.

Operation, I think he said.

All right, kids. Scalpels at the ready.

No. Wait! Wait! Please, you can't do this.

- It's immoral! - Immoral?

Forget about it.

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