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MR KHAN: Welcome to Sparkhill,
Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
Do you like my suit?
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Number one. Citizen Khan.
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So, what do you think?
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It's quite expensive.
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Amjad, I'm collecting a VIP
from the airport today.
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I need to make a good impression.
Who is it?
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An imam. Returning from missionary
work in the Middle East.
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He's also a renowned scholar,
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so it's a great honour
to bring him to the mosque.
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Via my house.
HAWKS NOISILY
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Anyway, they do police vehicles for
free, so why don't you pop in the shop,
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tell them who you are,
and Mohammed's your uncle!
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I don't think I can do that, sir.
Amjad? I can't be party to this.
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Amjad!
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Amjad!
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BEEPS
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MR KHAN HUMS, COIN DROPS
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WHIRRING
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Oh, twadi!
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MR KHAN WHIMPERS
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Mind my hat! My hat!
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Sweetie, I still got some wax in my
ears, can you do them for me?
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Ooh... That's really wedged in there,
isn't it?
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Mmm...
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Ah! Got it!
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That is gross.
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What do you mean, gross?
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HAWKS NOISILY
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She's cleaning your ears out?
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Well, someone's got to do it.
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Now, don't drip on anything else.
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And if you want to cut your toenails,
use a plastic bag. All right.
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Is this your idea of a good time?
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We've had worse.
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Don't you want to go out for dinner,
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or go to a party or something?
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Sometimes.
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Oh, you mean with your mother?
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You never go out together.
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Rubbish. We went out last weekend.
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Where to? Cash and carry.
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We bought 12 catering-sized tins
of chopped tomatoes!
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It's different for me and Amjad.
It's like we complete each other.
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If I watch a sunset,
or hear a beautiful piece of music,
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it means nothing unless Amjad's
there to share it with me.
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You're never romantic like that
with Mum.
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Shazia, every marriage
has its own kind of romance.
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For some people it's music
and sunsets, and for others,
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it's nail clippings and cleaning
your husband's lugholes.
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That's really sweet, Papaji.
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What do you think of my outfit?
Good, eh!
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And Debbie said I have to wear these
as well. Isn't it brilliant?
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Hilarious.
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Shazia, you can't be dressed like
that, the imam's coming.
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Don't worry, I'm not hanging
round here.
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I'm going out tonight.
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I'm having a hen do.
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What?!
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Shazia, what is this madness?
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What do you mean?
It's just a hen do.
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Promise me you won't go through
with it. I forbid you!
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You've got to have a hen do
before you get married.
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But why does it have to be Hindu?
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Couldn't you make do with
a nice Catholic boy?
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Or even a Jew?
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They're almost the same as us.
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It's a hen do, Dad!
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It's just me and my girlfriends
on a night out.
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Nothing to do with Hindus!
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Oh, thank God!
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What did you think it was?
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I don't know. But just make sure
you behave yourself.
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Because I'll know if you don't.
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I'm your father and nothing gets
past me.
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Papaji, there's a 24-hour
prayerathon at the mosque.
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Will you sponsor me?
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Of course, sweetie.
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Aw!
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Me and Debbie are going to a
nail salon,
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and then we're going to a really nice restaurant
where we're meeting the rest of my mates.
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Shazia, this isn't a very becoming
outfit for respectable Pakistani woman.
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You wouldn't catch your mother
dressing like that.
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Ta-da!
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Oh, God, not you as well!
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I'm so excited about tonight.
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We are going to have such a
good time!
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We?
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Now, you know I'm out tonight, don't
you?
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But I've done you a chicken curry and
Mr Khan will be here to look after you.
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Ha! Why you leave me alone
with that idiot?
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Mum?
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Haan, beti.
What's going on?
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Oh, I'm just trying to get everything
ready for tonight.
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So it's you, me, Alia, Debbie
obviously. Who else is coming?
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Mum, I don't think this is right.
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What?
You coming out with us.
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On my hen do.
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Oh.
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Oh, you mean because
I'd be leaving Naanijaan?
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Yes. Exactly.
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It's not right.
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No, I suppose it isn't.
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Naanijaan?
Haan.
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How would you like to come
on Shazia's hen do?
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BOTH: Eh?
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We can all go out together.
What do you think?
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Haan!
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Great! Isn't that great?!
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Yeah! Great!
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Better be a strippagram!
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Ah.
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I mean, I know it's not ideal, having
your mother with you on a hen do,
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but I'll do my best to deal with it.
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Why don't you go and find her a
tutu? OK.
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I'll phone Debbie and let her know.
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Hi, is anyone home?
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Hi, Amjad! In here!
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Oh!
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Sorry, Mrs Khan! I didn't mean to!
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What is it?
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I think I accidentally saw your
underwear!
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Oh, no, no, no.
You didn't see my underwear.
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Oh.
You saw my tutu.
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Oh, my God!
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So, when the imam arrives,
we welcome him into the house...
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Take a picture, it lasts longer.
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Why are we bringing him here?
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Because last year he took someone
from the mosque back with him
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to do missionary work, all expenses
paid.
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You're going to do missionary work?
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No, I'm getting off in Dubai
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and spending two weeks by the pool
at the five-star Burj Khalifa.
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Top up my tan, isn't it!
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I thought I might be the one
to go to Dubai.
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I am the mosque manager.
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You lot need to stay out of the sun,
Dave.
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I think we should let the imam
decide.
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Fine, we'll let the imam decide.
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I'm sure he'll be entirely
impartial.
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Once I've given him my present.
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You've got him a present?
What is it?
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It's a secret.
The imam's going to love it!
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Hello, boys!
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That's not it.
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Do you like my tutu?
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That's the name of her dress.
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What's Officer Dibble doing here?
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I've come for my stag do.
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That should be a laugh.
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What bunch of losers
are taking him out on a stag do?
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You are.
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What?
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I promised Amjad.
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I'm taking Shazia on a hen night,
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so I think it's only right
that you should give Amjad a stag do.
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Stag do? Have you seen The Hangover,
sweetie? We're Muslims!
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Let me tell you, in the Muslim
version of The Hangover
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there's no drinking, no forgetting,
everyone home by 8.30.
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But this could be your chance
to really bond with Amjad.
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He is going to be your son-in-law,
after all.
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Don't remind me.
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Don't you remember the relationship
you had with my father?
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He could never warm to you.
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True. But he did eventually stop
throwing stones at me.
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You know how hard that was for me.
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What about me!
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He was a blooming good shot.
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Right, so you'll do it.
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But I've got to pick up the imam.
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No. This is more important
than picking up the imam.
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But, sweetie...
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Fine.
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MRS KHAN CLEARS HER THROAT
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And no rowdy stuff! I don't want him
looking stupid in public!
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It's a bit late to start worrying
about that.
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We bring the women and the cars
and the cards out
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Let's have a toast, a celebration
get a glass out
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And we can do this until we pass
out
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So let it rain
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Let it pour away
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We won't come down...
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Here we go...
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Cola for you.
Thanks.
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Ginger beer for you.
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Thank you.
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And lemonade for you.
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I asked for Fanta orange.
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They only had one left.
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CAN FIZZES
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So, Amjad. Pretty cool, huh?
Just the boys, out cruising.
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So, what's the plan, Mr Khan? Are we
going to be painting the town red?
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Well, I got a few special treats
lined up.
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But first, it's a trip to the
airport!
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Whoo-hoo!
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Where are we going?
Are we going to Euro Disney?
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That would be awesome.
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No, it's better than that.
We're going to pick up the imam!
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Whoo-hoo!
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OK, so, snog, marry, avoid.
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You go first, Naani.
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Ready?
Haan.
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George Clooney...
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Snog!
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00:10:03,072 --> 00:10:06,092
Wait, you have to hear
all the options first.
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00:10:06,092 --> 00:10:09,080
No need. Just leave me with Georgie!
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00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:12,076
Kill me now.
209
00:10:13,076 --> 00:10:16,088
So, are you looking forward
to your big day?
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00:10:16,088 --> 00:10:19,012
Yeah.
It's going to be great, isn't it?
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00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:20,016
Yeah.
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00:10:20,016 --> 00:10:22,056
You're going to be married!
Yeah.
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00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:25,020
Soon you won't be Shazia any more,
you'll be Mrs Malik!
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00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:26,060
What?
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00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,092
Or will Amjad be Mr Khan?
216
00:10:27,092 --> 00:10:30,036
Amjad's not going to turn into my
dad!
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00:10:30,036 --> 00:10:33,020
Epic, you're going to be married
to Am-dad!
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00:10:34,076 --> 00:10:35,080
No, I didn't mean...
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00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,052
Just because we're getting married,
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00:10:37,052 --> 00:10:39,088
it doesn't mean
we'll turn into different people!
221
00:10:39,088 --> 00:10:42,036
Married couples don't have to be
unromantic!
222
00:10:42,036 --> 00:10:44,012
No, beti, of course not!
223
00:10:44,012 --> 00:10:45,096
How long have you been married,
Mrs Khan?
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25 years.
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00:10:47,092 --> 00:10:51,024
And I bet you and Mr Khan have had some
wonderful times together, haven't you?
226
00:10:51,024 --> 00:10:54,016
Ah, beti, we've had some wonderful
times.
227
00:10:54,016 --> 00:10:55,068
But not together!
228
00:10:57,052 --> 00:11:01,012
Me and my husband, we were
blissfully happy for 20 years.
229
00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:02,068
Then we met!
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00:11:05,072 --> 00:11:09,012
I never knew what happiness was
until I was married.
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00:11:09,012 --> 00:11:10,080
ALL: Aw!
232
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,020
Then it was too late!
233
00:11:16,044 --> 00:11:19,092
Oh! Come on, lighten up,
it's your hen do.
234
00:11:19,092 --> 00:11:21,028
Right.
235
00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:25,004
And they're just kidding.
Marriage isn't really like that.
236
00:11:25,004 --> 00:11:26,028
I suppose.
237
00:11:26,028 --> 00:11:29,076
It's an amazing thing. You and Amjad
are going to be really happy together.
238
00:11:31,052 --> 00:11:33,048
Are you and Matt ever going
to get married?
239
00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:35,036
God, no! I don't want to ruin it!
240
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:41,052
Naani said she would marry
Ginger Dave!
241
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:46,092
I haven't had this much fun in
25 years!
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00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,060
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
243
00:12:02,048 --> 00:12:04,088
Please, Imam, sir.
244
00:12:04,088 --> 00:12:07,044
Welcome to my humble abode.
245
00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:09,080
Please, take my chair.
246
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,004
Glad to be back in Sparkhill?
247
00:12:12,004 --> 00:12:13,076
All right, Dave.
Don't suck up to him!
248
00:12:13,076 --> 00:12:17,072
So, I understand you might
be taking someone from the mosque
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00:12:17,072 --> 00:12:19,036
back with you to do missionary work.
250
00:12:19,036 --> 00:12:21,096
Will there be classes
to study religious texts?
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00:12:21,096 --> 00:12:24,080
Oh, yes, I love the classes.
252
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,020
Will you be holding them at a mosque,
or at the loungers by the pool?
253
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,056
I don't know.
254
00:12:29,056 --> 00:12:33,032
I always find I study best
at a waterslide park.
255
00:12:34,048 --> 00:12:36,028
Perhaps the imam would like a drink?
256
00:12:36,028 --> 00:12:38,044
All right, Dave,
I was about to ask him that.
257
00:12:39,068 --> 00:12:41,016
Perhaps the imam would like a drink?
258
00:12:41,016 --> 00:12:43,068
I'll have tea.
Tea! Great!
259
00:12:43,068 --> 00:12:45,044
Dave, why don't you make the imam
some tea?
260
00:12:45,044 --> 00:12:48,032
Me? But I'm the mosque manager.
261
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:51,040
Then see if you can "manage"
to make some tea.
262
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,008
Oh, I almost forgot.
263
00:12:58,072 --> 00:13:00,032
Salman I like him, Mr Khan.
264
00:13:00,032 --> 00:13:02,064
Keith from next door.
265
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,000
Not Muslim.
266
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:09,064
I would be honoured, Imam, sir, if you
would accept this special gift from me...
267
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:12,016
...to you.
268
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:14,028
Is that a prayer mat?
269
00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:17,064
It's not just any prayer mat.
I had Keith make it especially.
270
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:20,036
I've been up all night
tinkering in my shed.
271
00:13:20,036 --> 00:13:22,056
All right, all right.
It's not about you.
272
00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:25,032
What's so special about this
prayer mat?
273
00:13:25,032 --> 00:13:28,020
Well, I'm glad you asked, Dave.
274
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:29,052
Imagine the scene.
275
00:13:30,072 --> 00:13:31,084
It's prayer time.
276
00:13:31,084 --> 00:13:34,000
And you've done your ablutions
277
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,024
and you're all ready to go.
278
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:39,004
But wait a minute,
what's that I hear you say?
279
00:13:40,024 --> 00:13:41,076
"I'm facing the wrong way!"
280
00:13:41,076 --> 00:13:45,032
You see, the problem
with normal prayer mats,
281
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:48,056
is that you have to keep on
manually turning them around.
282
00:13:48,056 --> 00:13:50,000
But not any more!
283
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,012
CLICK
284
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:54,072
With Mr Khan's
Automatic Turning Prayer Mat,
285
00:13:54,072 --> 00:13:58,052
in no time at all, you'll find
that you're facing the right way.
286
00:13:58,052 --> 00:14:00,008
Towards Mecca.
287
00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:01,012
WHIRRING
288
00:14:01,012 --> 00:14:02,064
That's more like Redditch now.
289
00:14:02,064 --> 00:14:04,096
Stop it now, Keith!
Milford Haven.
290
00:14:04,096 --> 00:14:06,036
Penzance.
291
00:14:06,036 --> 00:14:10,016
Great Yarmouth.
All right, Keith! Stop it now!
292
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,052
Stop it now, please, Keith!
Stop it!
293
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,096
Oh, will you stop it?!
294
00:14:13,096 --> 00:14:15,020
WHIRRING GETS LOUDER
295
00:14:16,024 --> 00:14:17,028
Stop it!
296
00:14:19,012 --> 00:14:21,012
Oh, look out!
297
00:14:21,012 --> 00:14:22,088
CLATTERING, THUD
298
00:14:29,008 --> 00:14:32,084
It could also work as
a new ride at Alton Towers!
299
00:14:32,084 --> 00:14:34,016
Get more Pakistanis in.
300
00:14:35,028 --> 00:14:37,084
Is this still part of my stag do?
301
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,020
Amjad, shush!
302
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:42,012
We can't talk about a stag do
in front of the imam!
303
00:14:42,012 --> 00:14:44,052
He's not going to take me with him
to Dubai
304
00:14:44,052 --> 00:14:46,060
if he thinks I've brought him
on a stag do, is he?
305
00:14:47,092 --> 00:14:50,064
Well, what should I talk to him
about, then?
306
00:14:50,064 --> 00:14:52,024
I don't know.
307
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,068
Why don't you start
by showing him your truncheon?
308
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,068
This is a disaster.
What's wrong with the imam?
309
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,084
Yeah, he does seem a bit... grumpy.
310
00:15:03,084 --> 00:15:06,044
What have you done to upset him?
I haven't done anything!
311
00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:10,000
Well, something's going on. He didn't
even like my automatic prayer mat.
312
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,080
Yes, that is odd...
313
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,064
Well, I need to keep him sweet.
314
00:15:14,064 --> 00:15:18,000
Nothing's stopping me
from getting wet and wild in Dubai.
315
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,080
What is the meaning of this?
316
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,064
This boy tells me
he's supposed to be on his stag do
317
00:15:23,064 --> 00:15:24,088
right here and now.
318
00:15:24,088 --> 00:15:26,060
Amjad! Sorry, sir.
319
00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,092
Is this true?
320
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:30,052
Well, you see, the thing is...
321
00:15:30,052 --> 00:15:32,000
I love a stag do!
322
00:15:34,044 --> 00:15:35,048
You do?
323
00:15:35,048 --> 00:15:36,080
Of course.
324
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:41,068
Wow, I thought you guys
were a right bunch of wet blankets.
325
00:15:42,068 --> 00:15:46,008
But now I find you're in the middle
of a stag do the whole time!
326
00:15:46,008 --> 00:15:47,012
Yes. Funny, that, eh?
327
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,004
You're a pretty cool guy, Khan.
328
00:15:49,004 --> 00:15:50,076
Well, you know...
329
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,048
I'm a cool guy.
330
00:15:54,048 --> 00:15:56,032
So, what you got lined up?
331
00:15:56,032 --> 00:15:58,056
You got to humiliate the stag,
right?
332
00:15:58,056 --> 00:16:00,060
Exactly. What?
333
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,044
Do something really hilarious,
334
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,092
like, er, handcuff him to a lamppost
in his underpants!
335
00:16:05,092 --> 00:16:09,032
Or shaving off his eyebrows
and rubbing toothpaste on his...
336
00:16:09,032 --> 00:16:12,044
No, we don't want to be doing
anything like that.
337
00:16:12,044 --> 00:16:14,072
Who asked you, Ginger Nuts?
338
00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:18,012
Yeah, Dave. Keep out of this.
339
00:16:18,012 --> 00:16:19,132
This is Pakistani man stuff!
340
00:16:21,028 --> 00:16:23,000
Too right, Khanny baby.
341
00:16:24,052 --> 00:16:25,092
So, what do you reckon?
342
00:16:25,092 --> 00:16:28,020
What are we going to do to the
victim?
343
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,036
Leave it with me.
344
00:16:29,036 --> 00:16:31,080
Oh, brilliant!
345
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,036
But... but Mrs Khan said...
346
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,092
Mrs Khan says a lot of things.
347
00:16:37,092 --> 00:16:40,076
But what you've got to remember is
I won't be able to hear them
348
00:16:40,076 --> 00:16:44,084
when I'm sat sipping a virgin pina
colada on Jumeirah bloomin' Beach!
349
00:16:50,064 --> 00:16:53,036
Men, eh? They're all the same.
350
00:16:53,036 --> 00:16:56,004
Before you're married,
they're all kind and thoughtful
351
00:16:56,004 --> 00:16:58,024
and it's all wine and roses.
352
00:16:58,024 --> 00:17:01,036
Then, as soon you've a ring on your
finger, you're in the kitchen making tea
353
00:17:01,036 --> 00:17:03,096
and they're on the sofa in their
pants watching Match Of The Day.
354
00:17:03,096 --> 00:17:06,092
My husband was useless.
355
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:11,052
Forgot my birthday for 50 years!
ALL: Aw!
356
00:17:11,052 --> 00:17:14,092
Oh, that's awful.
No-one has that bad a memory.
357
00:17:15,092 --> 00:17:17,024
Who are you?
358
00:17:18,024 --> 00:17:20,068
But Dad didn't change
when you got married, did he?
359
00:17:20,068 --> 00:17:21,092
Of course he did.
360
00:17:21,092 --> 00:17:24,032
What? He's always been
the same, hasn't he?
361
00:17:24,032 --> 00:17:28,004
Same suit and hat, same car,
same beard...
362
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:30,096
It's not like he suddenly changed
the day you got married.
363
00:17:30,096 --> 00:17:34,028
Your father was a very stylish
dresser when I met him.
364
00:17:34,028 --> 00:17:35,032
No way!
365
00:17:35,032 --> 00:17:38,028
He wore very fashionable clothes -
platform heels...
366
00:17:38,028 --> 00:17:39,032
Brilliant!
367
00:17:39,032 --> 00:17:41,012
...open shirts with big collars...
368
00:17:41,012 --> 00:17:42,040
Classic!
369
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,084
...and tight leather trousers
that left nothing to the imagination.
370
00:17:45,084 --> 00:17:48,028
Oh, no!
371
00:17:48,028 --> 00:17:49,080
What happened to him?
372
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,068
As soon as we were married,
he started dressing differently -
373
00:17:52,068 --> 00:17:56,060
bought his first suit, swapped the
platform heels for a pair of slippers
374
00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:59,012
and locked the leather trousers away
for ever.
375
00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:03,044
Don't worry, though. It's not like
that's going to happen to you.
376
00:18:04,044 --> 00:18:06,016
I need to see Amjad!
377
00:18:06,016 --> 00:18:08,096
You know where you'll find him. He'll
be sat in front of Gary Lineker
378
00:18:08,096 --> 00:18:10,088
scratching his down belows.
379
00:18:12,028 --> 00:18:13,060
Shazia!
380
00:18:18,012 --> 00:18:20,048
What are they doing up there?
I hope Amjad's all right.
381
00:18:20,048 --> 00:18:24,020
Lighten up, Dave.
You converts are so boring.
382
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,040
Islam is all about fun, fun, fun.
383
00:18:28,088 --> 00:18:29,096
Ta-daaa!
384
00:18:30,096 --> 00:18:32,028
What do you think?
385
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,008
Brilliant!
386
00:18:34,008 --> 00:18:36,016
Now we're having a real stag do.
387
00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:38,024
Exactly. I love it!
388
00:18:38,024 --> 00:18:39,048
Are you all right, Amjad?
389
00:18:39,048 --> 00:18:40,080
He's fine.
390
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,016
Aren't you?
391
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:43,088
I'm a little bit chilly.
392
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,060
Don't be such a baby!
393
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:49,052
Let's gunk him.
394
00:18:49,052 --> 00:18:52,028
What?
Pour a load of gunk all over him.
395
00:18:52,028 --> 00:18:54,008
I think we may be out of gunk.
396
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:55,020
This will do.
397
00:18:56,076 --> 00:18:59,048
Er, are you sure? They are ?2.99.
398
00:18:59,048 --> 00:19:01,072
Oh, no...
399
00:19:10,044 --> 00:19:12,032
That is hilarious!
400
00:19:14,016 --> 00:19:17,004
I'm not having a very nice time,
sir.
401
00:19:17,004 --> 00:19:21,044
Right, let's do another tub
and take him down to Broad Street!
402
00:19:21,044 --> 00:19:24,056
Sir, I can't go out like this.
403
00:19:26,028 --> 00:19:28,028
Stop! That's enough.
404
00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:30,084
What? They're only ?2.99.
405
00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:33,024
It's not about the tomatoes.
406
00:19:33,024 --> 00:19:36,004
He's going to be my son-in-law,
and I need to look after him.
407
00:19:36,004 --> 00:19:38,096
What about Dubai?
I don't care about that.
408
00:19:38,096 --> 00:19:41,040
Dave can do the missionary position
with you.
409
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,048
No, you're all right.
410
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,016
Stuff that. Let's have a drink!
411
00:19:46,016 --> 00:19:47,036
I'll make some more tea.
412
00:19:47,036 --> 00:19:49,076
No, I mean a proper drink.
413
00:19:49,076 --> 00:19:51,092
You know, a drop of the hard stuff.
414
00:19:51,092 --> 00:19:53,088
Jungle juice!
415
00:19:53,088 --> 00:19:55,048
Um Bongo?
416
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,096
Booze!
417
00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:00,080
What? But you're an imam!
418
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,056
Nope. Gave it up.
419
00:20:02,056 --> 00:20:04,020
But you're still a Muslim.
420
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,076
Not any more.
421
00:20:05,076 --> 00:20:07,080
I've had six months in Dubai.
422
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,080
Man, that place is...
423
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,012
wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ld!
424
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:14,032
Oh, twadi!
425
00:20:14,032 --> 00:20:16,032
Come on, you.
426
00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:18,088
- Help me, sir.
- Come on!
427
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,008
You saved me!
428
00:20:29,008 --> 00:20:30,084
By the power of prayer mat.
429
00:20:30,084 --> 00:20:33,004
Thank you. Thank you so much.
430
00:20:33,004 --> 00:20:35,056
It's all right, there's no need for
that.
431
00:20:35,056 --> 00:20:37,052
PHONE BEEPS
432
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,036
Oh, twadi!
The women are on their way home.
433
00:20:43,036 --> 00:20:44,076
Someone get him out of here.
434
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:48,040
I could take him round to mine and
give him a slurp of my Fruity Tipple.
435
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,048
There's no need to go that far.
436
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:54,028
No, that's my home brew,
Keith's Fruity Tipple.
437
00:20:54,028 --> 00:20:55,056
Oh, right.
438
00:20:57,016 --> 00:21:00,016
And you two, get Amjad upstairs
and change his nappy.
439
00:21:00,016 --> 00:21:01,092
What?
Just get him cleaned up
440
00:21:01,092 --> 00:21:03,096
before Mrs Khan arrives!
441
00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:08,068
Amjad?
442
00:21:08,068 --> 00:21:11,004
Where's Amjad? I need to speak to
him now.
443
00:21:13,024 --> 00:21:14,088
In a minute.
444
00:21:14,088 --> 00:21:17,012
What have you done?
Nothing.
445
00:21:17,012 --> 00:21:18,048
HAWKS NOISILY
446
00:21:18,048 --> 00:21:20,016
Did you look after him, like I said?
447
00:21:20,016 --> 00:21:21,076
Would I ever let you down?
448
00:21:21,076 --> 00:21:25,028
I've looked after him,
I've bonded with him,
449
00:21:25,028 --> 00:21:27,032
and, like any good father-in-law,
450
00:21:27,032 --> 00:21:30,000
I've taught him everything I know
about being a good husband.
451
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,000
Oh, no!
452
00:21:35,004 --> 00:21:37,060
Here he is! Look!
453
00:21:38,068 --> 00:21:40,000
Hello, ladhoo.
454
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,004
Can you help me
get this stuff out of my ears?
455
00:21:48,084 --> 00:21:51,092
I think there's some in my throat
as well.
456
00:21:51,092 --> 00:21:53,044
HAWKS NOISILY
457
00:21:58,092 --> 00:22:00,028
Oh, my God!
458
00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:02,024
He's turned into you!
459
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,084
The wedding's off.
460
00:22:05,096 --> 00:22:08,000
Shazia!
461
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,052
I told you to look after him!
462
00:22:11,052 --> 00:22:15,016
But, sweetie, it's not my fault
the imam turned out to be
463
00:22:15,016 --> 00:22:17,040
the Pakistani Lindsay Lohan!
464
00:22:20,004 --> 00:22:21,036
Salaam alaikum, ladies!
465
00:22:21,036 --> 00:22:23,096
Oh, hello, Dave.
466
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,016
The Malik wedding.
467
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:31,048
That's right. Is it too late to
cancel?
468
00:22:32,048 --> 00:22:35,020
Ladhoo, what are you doing?
I'm cancelling the wedding.
469
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,032
Oh, my God!
470
00:22:36,032 --> 00:22:37,052
I'll handle this.
471
00:22:37,052 --> 00:22:41,016
Shazia, don't be silly.
You can't cancel the wedding.
472
00:22:41,016 --> 00:22:43,012
I've already paid for the catering!
473
00:22:44,008 --> 00:22:45,068
They said they'd give us a refund.
474
00:22:45,068 --> 00:22:47,092
Oh. Well, that's all right, then.
475
00:22:49,092 --> 00:22:53,044
But, ladhoo, I love you, and you
love me.
476
00:22:53,044 --> 00:22:56,012
I know. And that's why
I don't want to get married.
477
00:22:56,012 --> 00:22:58,056
What?
If we get married,
478
00:22:58,056 --> 00:23:02,008
it will kill all the romance.
I don't want to lose that, budhoo.
479
00:23:02,008 --> 00:23:07,016
But, ladhoo, that won't happen to
us. I'll always be romantic.
480
00:23:08,056 --> 00:23:10,020
HAWKS NOISILY
481
00:23:10,020 --> 00:23:11,064
There you are, you see?
482
00:23:11,064 --> 00:23:14,048
But you said when you get married
you lose all the romance as well.
483
00:23:14,048 --> 00:23:16,092
Did I?
Yeah. You all did.
484
00:23:16,092 --> 00:23:18,076
At the nail salon.
Oh.
485
00:23:22,012 --> 00:23:23,096
Do something!
486
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:30,076
Shazia, sweetie,
the thing about marriage is, it's...
487
00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:32,056
it's a bit like...
488
00:23:32,056 --> 00:23:35,024
the cricket pitch you get at
a Test match.
489
00:23:35,024 --> 00:23:38,088
At first it's all firm and bouncy...
490
00:23:40,016 --> 00:23:42,052
...and things are moving about
all over the place.
491
00:23:43,052 --> 00:23:45,028
And then, after a few sessions,
492
00:23:45,028 --> 00:23:47,052
a few cracks start to appear.
493
00:23:47,052 --> 00:23:49,048
And then, on the fifth day,
494
00:23:49,048 --> 00:23:53,000
it's as flat as a pancake
and nothing's happening at all.
495
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,016
That's usually when we Pakistanis
resort to ball tampering.
496
00:24:03,044 --> 00:24:04,048
What?
497
00:24:05,048 --> 00:24:07,056
Shazia...
498
00:24:07,056 --> 00:24:13,024
what I'm saying is that, yes, OK,
things do change after marriage.
499
00:24:13,024 --> 00:24:15,036
But that's life.
500
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:17,020
And the wonderful thing about
marriage
501
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:20,044
is that you have someone
to share your journey with.
502
00:24:23,036 --> 00:24:24,088
But what about the romance?
503
00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:26,044
What happens to that?
504
00:24:26,044 --> 00:24:28,000
I'm still romantic.
505
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,092
Really?
506
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:33,056
For my last birthday,
Amjad bought me two dozen red roses
507
00:24:33,056 --> 00:24:35,020
and he wrote me a poem.
508
00:24:40,008 --> 00:24:41,012
So?
509
00:24:41,012 --> 00:24:43,000
Do you even know when Mum's
birthday is?
510
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,012
Of course!
511
00:24:44,012 --> 00:24:46,000
When is it, then?
512
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,080
The 28th. Week after next.
And what have you got her?
513
00:24:50,044 --> 00:24:51,076
Well?
514
00:24:51,076 --> 00:24:53,064
A jigsaw.
515
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:57,008
There you are. Told you.
516
00:24:58,096 --> 00:25:00,000
Right.
517
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,092
Fine. I wasn't going to give it to
you till your birthday, but here...
518
00:25:05,012 --> 00:25:07,064
...you can have it now.
There you are.
519
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,024
SHE GASPS
520
00:25:16,024 --> 00:25:19,000
It's us!
521
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,088
It's from our last anniversary.
522
00:25:21,088 --> 00:25:23,072
You looked so lovely in that picture
523
00:25:23,072 --> 00:25:25,060
I had it made especially.
524
00:25:26,056 --> 00:25:29,044
I thought we could do it together.
Do you like it?
525
00:25:29,044 --> 00:25:30,076
I love it.
526
00:25:31,088 --> 00:25:33,092
Thank you!
527
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,096
Why don't you ever do
anything like that?
528
00:25:47,052 --> 00:25:48,056
There we are,
529
00:25:48,056 --> 00:25:50,040
all finished.
530
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,048
It's a lovely picture, isn't it?
531
00:25:52,048 --> 00:25:55,032
Haan. And you look so thin.
532
00:25:55,032 --> 00:25:57,096
I got Alia to Photoshop it.
533
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,028
Do you think we're still romantic?
534
00:26:03,028 --> 00:26:04,080
Of course.
535
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,032
I might go up.
536
00:26:06,032 --> 00:26:07,040
OK.
537
00:26:10,024 --> 00:26:12,040
Are you coming?
538
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,076
Haan.
539
00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:25,076
LEATHER CREAKS
540
00:26:36,016 --> 00:26:37,048
Sweetie?
541
00:26:37,048 --> 00:26:40,032
I think I need some talcum powder.
542
00:26:40,082 --> 00:26:44,632
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