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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:09,000 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. (Uploaded to addic7ed.com by Plenary) 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Community leader. 3 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,000 They all know me... Do you like my suit? 4 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,000 Number one - Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,000 MRS KHAN: Come on, get on with it. 6 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,000 MR KHAN: All right, don't rush me. 7 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,000 MRS KHAN: Just stick it in. 8 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,000 MR KHAN: I am! 9 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,000 MRS KHAN: But nothing's happening. 10 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,000 Try wriggling it about a bit. 11 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,000 MR KHAN: What about now? 12 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,000 MRS KHAN: Uh-uh. 13 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,000 MR KHAN: It's not my fault! It's a very old box. 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,000 Why is it taking so long? I can't see anything. 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,000 It's OK. We can see you. 16 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,000 Just put your special jacket on. 17 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,000 There you are. See? 18 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,000 We need electricity, Dad. My phone's out of charge. 19 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,000 All right, keep all your hairs on. 20 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,000 I don't see Alia making such a fuss. 21 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,000 Now the electricity's on, I can get back on new computer. 22 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,000 (ELECTRONIC FIZZLE) 23 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,000 10 from second-hand shop. Not bad, uh 24 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Why do you have to be on the computer all the time? 25 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,000 I'm doing very important mosque business, sweetie. 26 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,000 Never interrupt God's work. 27 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,000 What is it, Papaji? 28 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:45,000 I'm booking Pakistani celebrity to do the prize draw for the Eid tombola. 29 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,000 If I do this, they'll make me chairman of the committee. 30 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,000 That will show Dave. Gingers going down! 31 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,000 Let's bring back the browns. 32 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,000 Is it going to be a cricketer? 33 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,000 Not every famous Pakistani's a cricketer, sweetie. 34 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,000 So who is he? 35 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,000 Imran Khan. Famous cricketer! 36 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,000 I'm messaging him now. 37 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000 Wow, do you know him, then? 38 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,000 No, but he'll be on Facebook. 39 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,000 There's only 47,000 Imran Khans on here. 40 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,000 One of them's bound to be him. 41 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,000 You keep filling my house with all your stupid gadgets 42 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,000 but you never get me anything. 43 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,000 What about new mobile phone I got you this morning? 44 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,000 You got new mobile phone. You gave me your old one. 45 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,000 It's new to you. 46 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,000 It's a good one, that one. 47 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,000 They don't make them like that any more. 48 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,000 Yeah, but I'm still getting all your calls. 49 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000 Yes, now you can be my wife and my secretary. 50 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,000 You spend too much time on the internet. 51 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,000 Last night, you were down here until two in the morning. 52 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000 Would you rather spend time with Imran Khan than come to bed with me? 53 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,000 Of course not, sweetie. 54 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,000 (GAGS) 55 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,000 I'm not going to wait up there all night for you again. 56 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:01,000 But night time is the best time to talk to Pakistan city that never sleeps. 57 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:01,000 Karachi? 58 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,000 No, Birmingham! 59 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,000 - We're all booked in! - What? 60 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,000 Me and Amjad have got our free trial day 61 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,000 at the new fitness centre in Edgbaston. It's really nice. 62 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,000 You have to be invited to be a member. It's dead exclusive. 63 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,000 So, why did they invite you? 64 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000 We have to go there tomorrow, 65 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,000 and then they'll decide whether to let us join. 66 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,000 Guess who proposed us? Matt and Debbie. 67 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,000 Oh, not Matt and Debbie! 68 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,000 We Muslims don't need to go to the gym. 69 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,000 If you pray five times a day, you get plenty exercise. 70 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,000 It's all that bending down, isn't it? 71 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,000 That's why I'm so slim, Papaji. 72 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,000 Oh, this girl... 73 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,000 she's like a one-woman praying machine. 74 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,000 This is a step up for us. 75 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,000 I'm not going to live in Sparkhill my whole life. 76 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,000 One day, me and Amjad are going to get a place in Solihull. 77 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,000 We're going to give our family all the things we never had. 78 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,000 What things?! 79 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,000 I've always given you everything. 80 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,000 Yeah? What about the pony I always wanted? 81 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000 How many times, Shazia? 82 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,000 We don't need a pony. 83 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,000 We got car! 84 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,000 I don't know what's wrong with that girl - putting on all these hairs and graces. 85 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,000 She wants to move up in the world, 86 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,000 and you shouldn't get in her way and embarrass her. 87 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,000 How could I embarrass her? 88 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,000 What's embarrassing about me? 89 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,000 (SLURPS NOISILY) 90 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,000 (GRUNTS) 91 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,000 It's going to be so great! 92 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,000 You should come with us tomorrow, Mum. 93 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,000 They do all kinds of classes there, and there's a pool and a spa... 94 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,000 Well, it does look nice. 95 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,000 I'll have to get plenty of rest though, 96 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,000 if I'm going to do all that exercise tomorrow. 97 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,000 So let's just hope I'm not disturbed by someone 98 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,000 clumping around the house at two in the morning. 99 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,000 The Wi-Fi's not working, Papaji. 100 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:56,000 Oh, come on! That's the second time this month! 101 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,000 You need to complain to the service provider. 102 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,000 Don't worry. I'm going to. 103 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,000 Keith! 104 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,000 - Keith! - Yes? 105 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Have you changed your internet password? 106 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,000 Yes, I think so. 107 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,000 Well, bloody well change it back again! 108 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,000 (SHE MUMBLES) 109 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,000 Oh... 110 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,000 (CLICK) 111 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,000 (CLICK) 112 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,000 (CLICK) 113 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,000 (GROANS) 114 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,000 (GROANS) 115 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,000 Aha! 116 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,000 (CLINKING) 117 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,000 (MECHANISED WAILING) 118 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,000 Ssh! 119 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000 Oh...the internet! 120 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,000 Oh... 121 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,000 Oh... 122 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,000 Oh, God! 123 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,000 (GROANS) 124 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,000 (SIGHS) 125 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,000 (SIGHS) 126 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,000 Ah... 127 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,000 Aargh! 128 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,000 (THUD) 129 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,000 (GRUNTS) 130 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,000 (CLICK) 131 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,000 - (SIGHS) - (CLICK) 132 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,000 - (WINDOWS ON TONE) - Oh! 133 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,000 (CREAKING) 134 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,000 (SHE GASPS) 135 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,000 Hello, beti. 136 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,000 What are you doing? 137 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,000 Your father's a very important man. 138 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,000 I'm doing some urgent mosque business. 139 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,000 "Anyone fancy a chat?" 140 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,000 Yeah. I'm still trying to get hold of Imran Khan. 141 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,000 But don't tell your mother. I've just found a new cricket chatroom. 142 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,000 What's it called? 143 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,000 Pakistanimatch.co.uk 144 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,000 Are you sure that's a cricket chatroom? 145 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,000 Alia, sweetie, who's faced more full tosses and googlies - 146 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,000 you or me? 147 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,000 - You have, Papaji. - Good girl. 148 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,000 What are you doing? 149 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,000 I was just going out. 150 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000 Oh... Very late. 151 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,000 There's a late night prayer meeting at the mosque. 152 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,000 (CAR HORN BLARES) 153 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,000 That's the imam coming to pick me up. 154 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,000 Such a good girl... 155 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000 Is that a hijab? 156 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,000 Yeah. It's waterproof, in case it rains. 157 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000 Clever, modest and practical. 158 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,000 Khuda hafiz. Don't stay up too late. 159 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,000 I won't. 160 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:52,000 With these modern technologies, I can communicate at the speed of light! 161 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,000 Here we go. 162 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,000 What's my name? 163 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,000 Mr Khan. 164 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,000 What do I like? 165 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,000 Carrom board... 166 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,000 Downtown Abbey... 167 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,000 and cricket. 168 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,000 What's my favourite position? 169 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,000 Deep fine leg. 170 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,000 Wow. 171 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,000 Hello there. I'm Phil. I'm the manager here at The Place. 172 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,000 Hi. We're here for the free trial. 173 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:38,000 We're friends of Matt and Debbie. I'm...Shannon Khan. 174 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,000 It's good to meet you. Welcome. 175 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,000 Who's Shannon Khan? 176 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,000 - It's me. - But that's not your... 177 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,000 I know. It just sounds a bit cooler, more sporty. 178 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000 - Oh, I get it. - And your name is? 179 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,000 Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think, is it? 180 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,000 It's Amjad. 181 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,000 Yeah, that's pretty cool. 182 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,000 Amjad. 183 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,000 And this is your address? Solihull. 184 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,000 Mm-hm, that's right. 185 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,000 But you don't live in... 186 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,000 Oh, gotcha. 187 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,000 - And you are? - Mrs Khan, please, thank you very much. 188 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,000 I've got to pick up Lottie from a riding lesson, 189 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,000 so I've only got time for one step class and then yoga. 190 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,000 I know, Wills has got trombone at 4, then I've got book group at 6.30. 191 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000 (POSH VOICE) Oh, yes, I've had to leave three loads of washing 192 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000 and I haven't ironed any of my husband's vests. 193 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,000 Which classes are you interested in? 194 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,000 She's going to try bums and tums. 195 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,000 I really need it. They're both in a right old state. 196 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,000 Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan. 197 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,000 - Salaam alaiqum. - Alaiqum salaam, boys. 198 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,000 - Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan. - Hello, Dave. 199 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,000 How are you today? You look very nice. 200 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,000 Have you done something different with your hair? 201 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000 What do you want? 202 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,000 - I need the office. I'm meeting a VIP. - What? 203 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,000 It stands for "Very Important Pakistani". 204 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,000 Right, I meant who? 205 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,000 It's someone I met on the internet. 206 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,000 I've arranged to meet them here. 207 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,000 We are going to have the greatest Eid tombola 208 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,000 that Sparkhill has ever seen. What do you think of that, gravy Davey? 209 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,000 Give us a clue. Who is he? 210 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,000 Well, all I can say, he's very famous and Pakistani. 211 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,000 Is it a cricketer? 212 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,000 Not all famous Pakistanis are cricketers, you know! 213 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,000 I know, but you're wearing your cricket shirt. 214 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,000 - Oh, yes. - Is it Mohammad Amir? 215 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,000 - No. - Mohammad Asif. 216 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,000 - No. - Mohammad Yousuf. 217 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,000 - No. - Mohammad Irfan. 218 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,000 - No. - Does it begin with Mohammad? 219 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,000 It's Umar Gul. 220 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,000 He's not very famous. 221 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,000 I know, but I'm going to use him to get to Imran Khan. 222 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,000 Well, I'm afraid you'll have to have your meeting somewhere else, Mr Khan. 223 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,000 The mosque committee will be here in a minute. 224 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000 I want them to approve my plans to allow women in the main prayer hall. 225 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000 Eh? Have you finally flipped your ginger lid, Dave?! 226 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000 Mr Khan, there's no reason why men and women 227 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,000 can't mix perfectly happily together. 228 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,000 (SIGHS) You're not married, are you, Dave? 229 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,000 Look, I've got nothing against the womens, 230 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,000 but they are different to us. 231 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:17,000 We talk about cricket. They talk about hair and shoes. 232 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,000 This is what's so good about the mosque. We keep them separate. 233 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,000 Hi, can I help you? 234 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,000 Yes, is this the mosque office? 235 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,000 Yes, it is. 236 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,000 You see what happens if you don't keep a firm grip on the rules, Dave? 237 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,000 (CLEARS THROAT) 238 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,000 Shoe shop is down the road, my darling. 239 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,000 Sorry? 240 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:46,000 I said, "Shoe shop is down the road," and hairdresser's, M, TK Maxx. 241 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000 You mean because she is inappropriately dressed? 242 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,000 Er, I don't understand. 243 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000 Look, this is the mosque office. 244 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,000 You've got to tick two boxes to get in here. 245 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,000 One - Muslim. Two - mans. You got no tick so far. 246 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,000 No, really, it's fine. 247 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,000 I'm sorry, Dave, but you've got to be firm with peoples. 248 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,000 Just because she's one of yours, you can't be soft. 249 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,000 You're in charge around here. You've got to stand up for yourself. 250 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000 - Mr Khan... - Not now, Dave. I'm talking. 251 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,000 Did you say "Mr Khan"? 252 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,000 Deaf as well. 253 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,000 Yes, that's my name - Mr Khan, community leader. 254 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,000 Now, if you don't mind, 255 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,000 I'm waiting for someone, so you're going to have to leave. OK? Goodbye. 256 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,000 But you're the man I'm here to meet. 257 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,000 What are you talking about?! 258 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000 I've never met her before in all my life. 259 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,000 Mr Khan, we met online. 260 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,000 We arranged to meet here. 261 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000 Oh, dear. That is a bit naughty. 262 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:46,000 No, no, no, no. I arranged to meet Pakistani cricketer online. 263 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000 She doesn't look like a Pakistani cricketer to me. 264 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,000 Maybe with a beard. 265 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,000 I'm Jackie. Jackie Smallwood. 266 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,000 But you said your name was Umar Gul. 267 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000 You put that down in all your messages. 268 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,000 That was OMG. I was excited to meet someone. 269 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,000 OMG stands for "Oh, My God". 270 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,000 Oh, my God! 271 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,000 That's it. 272 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,000 This is an outrage. I've been tricked. 273 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,000 Er... You were in a chatroom. 274 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,000 Yes. 275 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,000 Pakistanimatch.co.uk. 276 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,000 Yes. 277 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,000 Where they match women with Pakistani men. 278 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,000 Oh, bugger! 279 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000 The penny drops. 280 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,000 But what were you doing on a site like that? 281 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,000 Trying to meet Pakistani men. 282 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,000 - Why? - I like them. 283 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,000 Why? 284 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,000 I've always had a thing about them. The rugged Imran Khan looks, 285 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,000 the smouldering eyes. There's just something about Pakistani men. 286 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,000 I'm Riaz. 287 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,000 I'm sorry if there's been some confusion. 288 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,000 Well, there has. A big confusion. 289 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,000 You're not who I had in mind at all! 290 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,000 Well, to be honest, neither are you. 291 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,000 What? What do you mean?! 292 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,000 Well you're a lot older than I was hoping for. 293 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000 How dare you! 294 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 I can still play a bit, you know. 295 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000 You ought to see me stroking it through the covers. 296 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,000 I don't think anyone wants to see that. 297 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:17,000 Oh, my God! What if someone sees us together? 298 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,000 What will people think? 299 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000 Calm down, Mr Khan. It's a simple misunderstanding. 300 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,000 You've got nothing to hide. 301 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,000 (KNOCKING) 302 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000 - That's the mosque committee. - Oh, my God! 303 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000 It'll be OK. It's a woman in the mosque office. 304 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,000 We've had women in the office before. 305 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:34,000 Yes, it's only a woman who's inappropriately dressed, 306 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,000 who you met on the internet. 307 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,000 Who likes Pakistani men. 308 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,000 Oh, my goodness me, yes, I see what you mean, yes. 309 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,000 (KNOCKING) 310 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,000 Do you think I could have a little tour before we go? 311 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,000 I've always wanted to see inside a mosque. 312 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:50,000 What?! This is the house of God, not flipping Madame Tussauds! 313 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,000 Oh, we've got to get her out of here. 314 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000 It's not that way. They'll see her. 315 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,000 Maybe we could cover her with a prayer mat. 316 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:05,000 Don't be ridiculous. We'll put her in the closet. Come on. Come on. 317 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,000 - MAN OUTSIDE: Hello? - (KNOCKING) 318 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,000 (KNOCKING) 319 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,000 Well, what are we going to do? 320 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,000 - MEN OUTSIDE: Hello. Let us in. - The window. 321 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000 Come on. 322 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,000 - (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - Oh, God! 323 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,000 There's a very big drop on the other side. 324 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,000 - I don't think I could... - Don't worry, 325 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,000 - they'll go round and catch you. - Who will? 326 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,000 You will! Come on. (IN URDU) 327 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,000 Ah! Salaam alaiqum, Mr Mohammed. We're nearly ready. 328 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,000 We're just rearranging the furniture. 329 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,000 You know, like...we don't like our backs to face Mecca? 330 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,000 Well, we just realised they have been. Bloody satnavs. 331 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000 (NERVOUS GIGGLE) 332 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,000 With you in a second, gentlemen. 333 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,000 All right. You've got to go. 334 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,000 Now listen, I'm sorry about the mix-up. No hard feelings. 335 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,000 Now, go away and never contact me again! 336 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,000 Don't worry, I won't. 337 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,000 - You never answer your phone anyway. - What? 338 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000 I've sent you loads of texts. You've never replied once. 339 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,000 I've never had any text. Oh, twaddi. 340 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,000 My wife's got my flipping phone! 341 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,000 OK. We've got you. 342 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,000 Oh... Oh, no... (GROANS) 343 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,000 - (SHE SCREAMS) - (THUD) 344 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,000 Did you get her? 345 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,000 - Hello there. - Salaam alaiqum. 346 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,000 I'm afraid you're a bit late for the free trial. 347 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,000 - What? - It's OK. 348 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,000 You can still apply for membership. Are you a friend of Matt and Debbie? 349 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,000 Matt and Debbie?! Certainly not! 350 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,000 I'm looking for a Mrs Khan. 351 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,000 Can you spell that? 352 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:04,000 M-I-S-S-U-S Khan. 353 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,000 And you are? 354 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,000 Mr Khan. 355 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000 - So is that your wife? - Yes(!) 356 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,000 Well, if you'd like to wait here for her, I'm sure she'll be out soon. 357 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000 But I need to see her! 358 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,000 I'm afraid I can't let you in unless you're with a member. 359 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,000 I don't want to use your stuff. I just want to see my wife! 360 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,000 I'm sorry. We do have a very strict security policy. 361 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,000 This is worse than Immigration! 362 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,000 Thank you... What are you doing? 363 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,000 No! Oh, God! What the... 364 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,000 What? 365 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,000 - Amjad! - Hello, sir. 366 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,000 Have you... 367 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:51,000 Where are your clothes? 368 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,000 I've been on the weights, working on my abs, 369 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000 trying to get a bit of...definition. 370 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,000 You've got too much definition already. 371 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,000 And where is Mrs Khan? I need to find her. 372 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,000 Why? What's happened? 373 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,000 - There's been a mix-up. - What kind of mix-up? 374 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,000 There's been a mix-up with the messages. 375 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000 What kind of mix-up with the messages? 376 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000 There's been a mix-up with the messages on her mobile phone. 377 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,000 What kind of mix-up with the messages on her mobile? 378 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000 Where is Mrs Khan? 379 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,000 She's in a bums and tums taster. 380 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,000 What? She can't taste bums and tums. 381 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,000 What kind of place is this?! 382 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,000 You should have let me manage your mobile phone. 383 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:28,000 OK, sir, we have a system designed to minimise the inconvenience for yourself 384 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000 and enable a smooth and hassle-free transfer process. 385 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,000 - Give me your pass so I can get in. - I don't think that's allowed. 386 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,000 - Amjad. - They're really hot on security. 387 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000 - Amjad! - You can't be too careful. 388 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,000 There's some right nutters about. 389 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Amjad! 390 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,000 OK. 391 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,000 - Oh, my God. She's here. - Who? 392 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,000 Nobody! 393 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,000 Ahem. 394 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,000 Is this the yoga class? 395 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,000 Yes. 396 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,000 Are you the teacher? 397 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,000 Yes. 398 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,000 (SHE MOUTHS) 399 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,000 Um, are you an actual...guru? 400 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000 Yeah. Exactly. 401 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,000 - What happened to Nikesh? - Hmm? 402 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,000 He usually takes us. 403 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:38,000 Er, well, there was an accident, you see, doing the yoga. 404 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,000 You know, he tied himself in a knot and couldn't undo it. 405 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,000 How do you want us to warm up? 406 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000 You know...the... 407 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,000 the usual way, I think. This. 408 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:07,000 It's probably a little bit different to how the other guy does it. You see, 409 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000 yoga is mainly an Indian invention. 410 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,000 What I do is more like... 411 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,000 Pakistani yoga. 412 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,000 It's called... 413 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,000 ..."poga". 414 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,000 Poga? 415 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,000 Exactly. 416 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,000 So, come on. Let's get on with it. 417 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,000 Hai! 418 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,000 So, come on. Let's warm up, uh? 419 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:38,000 Now, everybody lie down and close your eyes. 420 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000 And breathe deeply. 421 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,000 In... 422 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,000 and out. 423 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,000 In... 424 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,000 and out. 425 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,000 In... 426 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,000 ...and out. 427 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,000 And in... 428 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000 - Oh, twaddi. - (GASPING) 429 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,000 ...and out! 430 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,000 OK. 431 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,000 Good. 432 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,000 Why don't you just follow me and do as I do? 433 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,000 Howzat? 434 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,000 Pakistan! 435 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:41,000 Zindabad! 436 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000 - How are you getting on? - I love it here. 437 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000 We're going to fit right in, aren't we, budhoo? 438 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,000 Yes...Shannon. 439 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:19,000 Good. Well, the vetting process is just a formality really. 440 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,000 I'm sure your memberships will go through no problem. 441 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000 - All right, all right! - I cannot believe it. 442 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,000 Calm down! I wasn't even looking for you. 443 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,000 I was trying to find the tasty bums. 444 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,000 - Dad! - Hello, beti. 445 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,000 What are you doing here? You said you weren't coming. 446 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,000 I wasn't going to. And then I met this woman, 447 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,000 and it all went a bit pear shaped. 448 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,000 Pear shaped? How rude. 449 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,000 Not you. You're more like two mangoes and a celery stick. 450 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,000 - I don't believe this. - Is there a problem here? 451 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,000 There certainly is. This man's not a yoga teacher. 452 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,000 What?! 453 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,000 Well, it's a load of mumbo jumbo anyway. 454 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,000 Lying around on mats for hours. 455 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,000 Typical Indians. Lazy buggers! 456 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,000 That's offensive. 457 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,000 And what's worse is you hoity-toity English peoples falling for it. 458 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,000 Dad, don't ruin this for me. 459 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,000 - Shazia, I'm not ruining anything. - How did you get in here? 460 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,000 He gave me his pass. 461 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,000 That's not really allowed. We have a very strict security policy. 462 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,000 Quite right. You can't be too careful these days. 463 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,000 There's a lot of nutters about. 464 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,000 - Oh twaddi! - Oh, my God. 465 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,000 That's him! That's the man who pushed me out of a window! 466 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,000 Stay away from me! I'm a married man! 467 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,000 Dad, what is going on? 468 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,000 Nothing. I've never met her before. 469 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,000 He pushed me out of a window. 470 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,000 OK. I met her on an internet dating site. 471 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,000 I thought she was a man! 472 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,000 Dad?! 473 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,000 But she was supposed to be Umar Gul. 474 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,000 Then she turned up at the mosque in a dress. 475 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,000 Umar Gul would never turn up at the mosque in a dress. 476 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,000 He pushed me out of a window. 477 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,000 OK. Then I pushed her out of a window. 478 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,000 Why are you doing this? 479 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,000 You don't understand. She likes Pakistani men. 480 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,000 I'm having second thoughts. 481 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,000 Right. Time to leave. 482 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,000 This is supposed to be an exclusive club. 483 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,000 Don't worry, madam, I'll sort this out. Come on. This way. 484 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000 But I've got to get my phone. 485 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,000 I hope you're going to prosecute! 486 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,000 You think you're going to meet Imran Khan 487 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,000 and then you meet some weirdo in a cheap suit. 488 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,000 Hold on a minute! My dad is not a weirdo. 489 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,000 He's a respectable middle-aged man. 490 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000 You can't treat him like a criminal. 491 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,000 Whatever he's done, there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation. 492 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,000 He pushed me out of a window. 493 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,000 You probably deserved it! 494 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,000 Ooh... 495 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000 And as for you, we won't be joining your gym after all. 496 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,000 So you can stick your application form. 497 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,000 And we don't live in Solihull. 498 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:44,000 We live in Sparkhill, and my name's not Shannon. It's Shazia. 499 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,000 And mine's Amjad! 500 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:49,000 Come on, Dad. We're going. 501 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,000 What about your mother? 502 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,000 Mum, we're going. 503 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,000 I don't want to join this place after all. 504 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,000 Oh, thank God. 505 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,000 (THUD) 506 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,000 You know I never saw that woman in all my life before this afternoon. 507 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,000 I know. 508 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:19,000 I only agreed to meet her because I thought she was a man. 509 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,000 I know. 510 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,000 And I would never watch the Downton Abbey with another woman. 511 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,000 I know. 512 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,000 You see what happens when you spend all your time on the internet? 513 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:34,000 Yes, but the technology's not all that bad. 514 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,000 You can use it for good things too. 515 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,000 Like what? 516 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,000 Like a man sending his wife a text. 517 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,000 Why would you text me? Why not just say it? 518 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,000 Maybe it's the sort of thing you... 519 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,000 can't say out loud! 520 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,000 - Oh wait. - Mm? 521 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,000 What is it? 522 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,000 I gave my phone to Shazia. 523 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,000 (TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) 524 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:59,000 SHAZIA: Oh, my God! 525 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 526 00:27:05,050 --> 00:27:09,600 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38006

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