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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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Community leader.
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They all know me...
You like my suit?
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Number one - Citizen Khan.
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I am sailing
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Home again
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To Pakistan.
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00:00:42,420 --> 00:00:45,040
Hia! Sweetie!
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00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:47,240
Can't a man have some privacy?
10
00:00:47,260 --> 00:00:50,120
It's Shazia's dinner tonight.
Others need the bathroom.
11
00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:51,520
But it's my day off!
12
00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:52,800
Day off from what?
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00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,400
I'm a busy community leader,
my darling!
14
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:56,480
I'm always on the go.
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00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:59,400
Today I am doing absolutely
nothing.
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I'm having a long soak
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00:01:01,220 --> 00:01:04,880
and then spending the rest of
day in my armchair in my birthday suit.
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00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:06,040
What?
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00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,560
In the pyjama suit
I got for my birthday.
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00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:12,320
Right. You know the bath is still
leaking? We have to call a plumber.
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00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,320
Plumbers cost money, sweetie.
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00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:18,600
Mrs Tawfiq uses a really nice
Polish man. Maybe you'll call him?
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00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,440
No! Not Polish!
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00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,760
We need to keep Britain British!
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00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:24,760
I'll get a Pakistani in.
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Fine, but do it today.
27
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But it's my day off!
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00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:30,480
We'll just stop having baths.
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00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:32,480
What am I supposed to do?
30
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You can use my water.
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It's a good English tradition.
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Just like Victorian times.
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BUBBLING
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I'm going to make
my aloo keema tonight.
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Nice and spicy. Is that OK?
36
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,000
Oh, yes, please!
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That's great, Mum.
Don't make it too spicy, though. Matt and Debbie don't like it.
38
00:01:53,660 --> 00:01:56,760
I'm going to ask Debbie to be my
maid of honour. Ah, that's nice.
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00:01:56,780 --> 00:02:00,680
Now we've put the wedding
date to next year, we want to get really organised, don't we, budhoo?
40
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:03,980
Yes. It's going to be
my dream wedding.
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00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,600
And Shazia's.
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00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:09,680
And you won't fight
with Amjad's mum, will you?
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00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:11,920
No, of course not.
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00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:15,380
Don't worry, beti, we won't do
anything to embarrass you.
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00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:21,040
Dad!
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00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:22,840
What? Er...
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00:02:22,860 --> 00:02:26,960
This is my birthday gift from
my favourite daughter, sweetie.
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I gave you socks!
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I know.
50
00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:32,440
Please promise me you're going to
change by tonight.
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00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:34,440
You can't show me up
in front of Matt and Debbie!
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00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:37,360
Oh, not Matt and Debbie!
53
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:39,440
What's so special about those two?
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She's my best friend. And my boss.
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00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:44,160
And...I'm going to ask her
to be my bridesmaid.
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00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:48,240
Shazia, we Pakistanis
don't have bridesmaids.
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00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:51,360
In our culture, your bride becomes
your maid -
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00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,560
your housemaid, chambermaid...
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00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:56,080
teasmaid.
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00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:59,240
It's our wedding, and I can have
a bridesmaid if I want.
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00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:00,540
And so can I!
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00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:04,480
This is my house.
And it's my day off.
63
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:06,840
And if I want to sit in my armchair
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00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:08,440
in my birthday suit
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00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:10,940
in all my glory, then I can.
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00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,760
Why do you think I never
bring any friends home?
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00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,540
Because no-one likes you?
68
00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:23,440
Don't be so grumpy! She's just
excited about her wedding.
69
00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:26,520
Remember how exciting our
wedding was?
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00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,920
It was so romantic...
the sun setting over the hills,
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00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:34,280
the call to prayer
echoing around the minarets,
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00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,320
the smell of spices
hanging in the hazy air.
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00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:42,180
Yes, there's nowhere quite like
the Walsall Trusthouse Forte.
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00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:50,360
IN URDU: Oi! Bugs Bunny!
Lakey ow a cuppee et biscoot.
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00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:52,460
I'll get them, Mummy.
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00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:55,200
Come on, move.
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Nahin!
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This is my chair! Move!
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00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,520
You got the whole sofa there!
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00:04:03,540 --> 00:04:05,280
Let me have my chair.
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00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,900
Come on. Nahin!
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00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,760
You want biscoot?
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Eh? You like that, don't you?
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00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:22,680
It's your favourite. Custard creamy.
85
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Haan.
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00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:26,260
It's right here.
87
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:32,740
You just have to reach out
and take it.
88
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:38,700
It's OK.
I'll stand all the way over here.
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00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:50,340
Yes! Get in! Allah hu Akbar!
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00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,080
Here you are.
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00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:57,480
Here, Papaji,
I brought you a newspaper.
92
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,760
Thank you, Alia. Such a good girl!
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00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:04,000
This one is absolutely perfect.
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00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:07,360
Nothing she could do
would ever disappoint me.
95
00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:10,020
That's good, because my exam results
have arrived.
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00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:21,080
I hope she hasn't done badly.
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00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,240
She won't have done badly!
98
00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,360
She's studying at the library
till all hours.
99
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,180
Sometimes she doesn't get back till
two or three in the morning!
100
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:34,520
What does "E" stand for?
101
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:37,600
I think it's short for excellent.
102
00:05:37,620 --> 00:05:39,240
Vah!
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00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:40,360
She got Es?!
104
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:41,840
No, only one E.
105
00:05:41,860 --> 00:05:43,760
Oh, thank God!
106
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:45,480
The rest are "U"s.
107
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,480
What's that? Unbelievably good?
108
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,920
It means she failed them.
109
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:52,240
We'll have to send her
to the New Muslim Academy.
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00:05:52,260 --> 00:05:53,400
They'll sort her out.
111
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:57,280
No, not the New Muslim Academy!
She can't go there!
112
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:58,920
Why not?
113
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:01,400
They got boys there.
114
00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:03,360
So?
115
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:05,600
So...we need to protect her.
116
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,880
Alia is an innocent flower.
117
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,700
She knows nothing
of the ways of the world.
118
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,680
This is our daughter's education
we're talking about.
119
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,640
Don't you remember what you promised
me when Alia was born?
120
00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:20,160
What do you mean?
121
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,860
Snippy, snippy?
122
00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:26,920
No! You promised
you'd do whatever it took
123
00:06:26,940 --> 00:06:29,600
to give her all the opportunities
we never had.
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00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:32,100
You're right, I'll do it!
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00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:35,660
You might want to get changed first!
126
00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:47,080
Salaam Aliekum, Mr Khan.
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00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,000
Weleikum Asalaam, Riaz.
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00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,500
Salaam Aliekum!
129
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,920
Omar. Where's Dave?
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00:06:53,940 --> 00:06:56,160
He's not here. It's an inset day.
131
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:59,560
What's that?
Gingerspeak for skiving?
132
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,920
Amjad, get on computer. OK, sir!
133
00:07:01,940 --> 00:07:06,120
I've decided to send the good
daughter to the New Muslim Academy.
134
00:07:06,140 --> 00:07:08,320
You have to pay to go to
the Muslim Academy, though.
135
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:12,080
I always say...
you can't put a price on education.
136
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:15,960
That is true.
When I was a young boy in Somalia,
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I had to walk seven miles to school
every morning.
138
00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:24,240
And in the evening, I would walk
seven miles back home again.
139
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:28,700
Every week, I walked five times
two times seven miles.
140
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,560
Which is ten times seven miles.
141
00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,780
Which is 70 miles.
142
00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:44,460
So?
143
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,180
You must know your times tables.
144
00:07:49,660 --> 00:07:52,800
Education is important. I'm doing
evening classes at the moment.
145
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:56,280
Plumbing for beginners. I got to get
out of the funeral game.
146
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,480
Why's that?
147
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,600
People are living longer.
It's a dying business.
148
00:08:00,620 --> 00:08:03,640
Hey! You can come round
and fix my bath.
149
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:06,400
It would be good practice for you!
We haven't done baths yet.
150
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,800
Relax - it's just like a big sink!
151
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:10,400
You can come round today.
152
00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:11,960
I don't know.
153
00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:14,340
It's all right. I won't charge you.
OK, thanks.
154
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,240
This is it, sir.
155
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:19,560
Vah! What do you think?
156
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:21,600
Looks impressive, huh?
157
00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:24,000
Hai, it certainly does.
158
00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:28,160
Right, let's see...
fees, fees, fees, fees...
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00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:29,440
Hai!
160
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:32,120
What is it, sir?
161
00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:34,960
Nothing. It's just a little bit
more than I expected.
162
00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:36,360
How much is it?
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00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,360
?4,000 a year!
164
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:39,560
Oh, my!
165
00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:41,160
Not per year - per term.
166
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:42,540
But that means it's...
167
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:47,680
Three times four. That's ?12,000.
168
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:49,720
But I can't afford that!
169
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:52,000
You said you can't put a price
on education.
170
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:54,840
Well, they're giving it
a bloody good go!
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00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:57,680
You could try somewhere
that does scholarships.
172
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,920
No, no, no! We are Muslims!
173
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,800
I'm not sending my daughter
to an over-priced, snooty-snotty, hoity-toity
174
00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:05,960
Hogwarts school for English peoples.
175
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:10,120
"Scholarship" means
they pay the fees for you.
176
00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:11,860
Amjad, get out of the way!
177
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:19,480
Come on, come on! The lady said the
headmaster will be here in a minute.
178
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,000
What are we doing here?
179
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,880
We're getting private
education Pakistani-style...
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00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,360
free!
181
00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:28,800
But how can I get a scholarship?
I've failed my exams.
182
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:30,880
Exams got nothing to do with it.
183
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,200
What?
184
00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:36,160
You are young. You don't understand
how the world works.
185
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:39,960
Your father will speak to
the headmaster man to man.
186
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:43,260
The scholarship will be in the bag,
and everything is tickety-boo!
187
00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:47,560
I don't know if I'll fit in here,
Papaji. Alia...
188
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:50,200
we are just as good as anyone else.
189
00:09:50,220 --> 00:09:54,080
You hold your head high.
Be proud of who you are.
190
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:57,340
But I thought this place
was only for Catholics.
191
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:01,780
What?
192
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,260
Anscombe College -
it's a Catholic school.
193
00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:14,820
Oh, twaddi!
194
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,740
Alia, why don't you take off your
coat? It's very warm in here.
195
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,560
And maybe take off some of this
shiny stuff from hijab, huh?
196
00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:33,580
We don't want to seem too flashy.
197
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:47,120
Very good!
198
00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:48,640
Well done, Alia.
199
00:10:48,660 --> 00:10:50,960
Are we pretending to be
Catholic?
200
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:54,880
Of course not! We're just showing
that we can fit in.
201
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,960
Hello, hello!
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
202
00:10:56,980 --> 00:10:58,920
Asalaa...la la la la...
203
00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:01,460
hallelujah!
204
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:05,240
It's OK - we like waiting.
205
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:07,080
Don't we...
206
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,240
Mary?
207
00:11:09,260 --> 00:11:11,160
Oh, yeah!
208
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:13,400
Patience is a virtue,
as I always say.
209
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:14,680
Yes, yes, quite right!
210
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:15,780
Amen.
211
00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:22,600
Yes...
Sorry, er, Professor Stevens.
212
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,540
Pleased to meet you.
213
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:29,640
And you are?
214
00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:32,220
Mr Kha...Kha...Kha...
215
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,880
Mr Cardinal.
216
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,280
Mr Cardinal?
217
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,920
That's it! Unusual name.
218
00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:41,220
It's Catholic.
219
00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:45,120
We're Catholics...
220
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:47,200
from Pakistan.
221
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:50,480
Oh, I didn't know there was
a Catholic community there.
222
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,540
Well, we get everywhere, don't we?
223
00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:56,680
So, how can I help you?
224
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:58,840
It's about my daughter...
225
00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:00,540
I rather thought it might be.
226
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:04,840
I suppose you must get
lots of parents coming in here
227
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:07,840
about their children, huh?
Is the Pope a Catholic?
228
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,820
Wait, I know this one!
229
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,280
No, no...
230
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,360
Well, yes, I mean, years ago...
231
00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:16,760
Can we have a scholarship?
232
00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:21,360
Ah, well...there, I'm afraid,
Mr Cardinal, my hands are tied.
233
00:12:21,380 --> 00:12:24,360
I'm sure Mary is a lovely girl, and
we'd be happy to have her,
234
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,640
but at present, we don't have any
scholarship places available.
235
00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:31,720
But you're the head!
Surely you can pull a stringy.
236
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:34,120
You scratch my Catholic back,
and I'll scratch yours?
237
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:36,080
No, I'm afraid not.
238
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,680
Unless you're the member
of a minority religion.
239
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:42,040
I mean, we do have some
discretionary bursaries available
240
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:44,800
for Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs
and so forth.
241
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:47,240
It's a way of maintaining
our charitable status, you see.
242
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:50,120
Hang on, hang on.
That's us! We're that one!
243
00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:51,840
I'm sorry?
244
00:12:51,860 --> 00:12:56,240
We're Muslims. We're a very devout
Muslim family, aren't we, Alia?
245
00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,240
Mary.
246
00:12:58,260 --> 00:13:01,800
Her real name's Alia.
We call her Mary for short.
247
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:04,200
But I got the impression
you were Catholics.
248
00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:05,560
What? No!
249
00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:07,160
You said your name was Cardinal.
250
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:11,180
We just say that to make it easier
for the English peoples to pronounce.
251
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,020
What is your name? Khan.
252
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:19,400
I see.
253
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:21,680
We're a very well-known
Muslim family in Sparkhill.
254
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,800
Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me.
255
00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:27,720
Well, be that as it may, Mr Khan,
256
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:30,280
I'm afraid we've already have
more minority applicants
257
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,120
than we have scholarships,
so it's... Let's see that.
258
00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:36,420
What?! We're more Muslim
than these buggers!
259
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,960
How can you be more Muslim
than some others?
260
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:44,440
Well...we're a special type
of Muslim.
261
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:48,040
Very obscure and, er, exclusive.
262
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,200
Oh, really? What type is that?
Do know much about Islam?
263
00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:54,880
Yes, actually. Oh, twaddi!
264
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:58,720
Yes, I wrote my thesis on Islam
and its many forms.
265
00:13:58,740 --> 00:14:01,600
I'm fascinated by the groups
and subgroups -
266
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,760
the Nizari, the Tayyibi,
the Akbari, the Alevi.
267
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:07,700
Right. Which one are you?
268
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:12,680
Well...
269
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,740
we're the... Oh...
270
00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:20,020
..the... Oh!
271
00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:23,120
..the...
272
00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,780
Oh!
273
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:28,080
..the OhTwaddis!
274
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,600
The OhTwaddis?
275
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:31,680
That's it!
276
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,160
I've never heard of them.
277
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:35,080
Like I said, we're very obscure.
278
00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:38,360
A very teeny, tiny minority.
279
00:14:38,380 --> 00:14:41,400
And very oppressed.
We really deserve a scholarship.
280
00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,240
Well, if you're suffering persecution
on religious grounds,
281
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,680
then perhaps we should try and find
a way to help.
282
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:50,920
Yes! Get In! Allah hu Akbar!
283
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:54,760
I'm sorry? I mean...
We are very persecuted.
284
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,600
No-one likes us.
285
00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:58,320
Not even the other Muslims.
286
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:01,320
We're different, you see.
In what way?
287
00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:03,680
Well, it's the praying,
for starters.
288
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,440
We do it ten times a day.
289
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:08,360
Twice as many as your
normal Muslims...
290
00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,840
and we have to do it
standing on one leg...
291
00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:12,980
whilst eating a carrot.
292
00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:17,620
The rabbit is very sacred to
us OhTwaddis, you see.
293
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,240
Remarkable!
294
00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:26,120
Right, right...
Well, let's fill this in.
295
00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:27,960
Great!
296
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:32,520
I must say, your whole way of life
sounds absolutely fascinating.
297
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,920
I'd love to find out more about it.
298
00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:36,660
Sure! I'll tell you
whatever you want to hear.
299
00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:41,440
Maybe I could come round your house
one day, see things at first hand?
300
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:44,260
No problem, any time.
You're always welcome!
301
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:47,960
What about this evening? What?
302
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:50,260
Well, tonight - is that any good?
OK.
303
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:54,820
Oh, why don't I bring the papers with
me and we can fill the forms in then?
304
00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:59,500
Wonderful.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
305
00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:06,800
Mrs Malik, so nice to see you...
306
00:16:06,820 --> 00:16:08,440
and so early.
307
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:13,080
I came as soon as I heard that
Alia had failed all her exams.
308
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,080
That's very kind of you.
Not at all.
309
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,680
I knew you'd be devastated
310
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:20,380
and I didn't want to miss it.
311
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:27,520
But it's fine now because
Mr Khan is going to get her into the New Muslim Academy.
312
00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:31,600
Oh, I've brought a present
for Shazia.
313
00:16:31,620 --> 00:16:34,360
Really, there was no...
Really, it's nothing.
314
00:16:34,380 --> 00:16:36,120
Just a token!
315
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:40,400
I was worried it wouldn't fit
because it's so big
316
00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,160
and your house is so small.
317
00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:44,860
But it just about gets in!
318
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:49,680
Careful, Amjad! It's very delicate.
319
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,680
Please, don't get too close.
320
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,320
But a doli!
321
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:59,040
It's the doli that was used to carry
in the bride at my wedding.
322
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,620
So not that delicate, then!
323
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:05,400
Matt and Debbie are here!
324
00:17:05,420 --> 00:17:07,000
Hello!
325
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:11,160
I'm Mrs Malik, Amjad's mother.
326
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:15,960
And I'm Mrs Khan, Shazia's mother.
327
00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:18,520
Welcome to my house.
328
00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:21,240
So nice to finally meet you.
Shazia's told us so much about you.
329
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:23,220
Hey, fella! How's it going?
330
00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:26,500
Pretty good, thanks, fella!
331
00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:31,920
Something smells delicious!
332
00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:33,600
Would you like some snacks?
333
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,720
That would be lovely. Thank you!
I love authentic Pakistani cooking.
334
00:17:36,740 --> 00:17:40,200
In that case, it's lucky
I brought some.
335
00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:42,320
Mum!
336
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:47,060
Be nice! I just want them to see
we're a nice, normal family, just like everyone else.
337
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,320
Alia! You can't have that!
338
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,520
Papaji! I was reading that!
339
00:17:56,540 --> 00:18:00,080
Sweetie!
The headmaster is coming over!
340
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:04,200
So? So...we have to show him how
different us OhTwaddis are.
341
00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,280
Western culture not allowed!
342
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:07,560
"Salman I like him", neighbour!
343
00:18:07,580 --> 00:18:09,700
Not today, Keith!
344
00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:12,520
God, blimey!
345
00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:15,040
I was wondering - you know how
we're getting married next year?
346
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,400
Is there any chance...
MUSIC PLAYS
347
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:21,120
What the bloody hell's going on?
Turn that racket off.
348
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:24,180
Dad! Hey, fella! How's it going?
349
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,400
Yes! How's it going, fella?
350
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:33,020
Amjad!
351
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:35,880
Sorry, sir!
352
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:40,760
Dad! This is Matt and Debbie.
You know, Debbie - my boss?
353
00:18:40,780 --> 00:18:43,600
Oh, yes! Hello, how do you do?
354
00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:47,560
Oh, it that the time already?
Well, you'd better be getting off!
355
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:50,000
They've only just arrived!
DOORBELL RINGS
356
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:53,600
Oh, God! Right, well...why don't you
take a look around the rest of the house?
357
00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:56,880
Shazia will show you. The backyard
is particularly lovely.
358
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,840
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, twaddi!
359
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:01,120
Dad! What is going on?
360
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,640
I think...
361
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:03,620
Hang on.
362
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:12,460
That's better!
363
00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:20,760
Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam aliekum.
364
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,840
Wa aliekum asalaam. Please come in.
365
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:25,840
Should I take my shoes off?
366
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,580
Why, have you trod in something?
367
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:30,800
Or should I stand on one leg?
368
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:34,580
No, it's OK, we only stand on
one leg on Wednesdays.
369
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:38,000
I-I-I brought you these carrots.
370
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:41,040
I hope that's all right,
I don't mean to cause offence.
371
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:47,000
No, it's OK. It's just that
us OhTwaddies aren't used to people being so nice.
372
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,760
Normally we just get abused.
373
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:52,840
All right, Mr Khan? I heard you
needed a plumber for your bath.
374
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,020
Oh, I see! Because we are dirty,
is that it?
375
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,640
People can be so cruel.
376
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:03,240
Right, this is the bloke I use.
377
00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:08,500
Oh, hate mail too! Why can't
you people just leave us alone?
378
00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:14,280
Please, come through...to our
typical OhTwaddi living room.
379
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,520
Would you mind if I took notes?
This is all so interesting.
380
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:20,320
Suit yourself, but I'm afraid
you can't stay long, though.
381
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:22,080
We've got to go to the mosque soon.
382
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:25,880
Today is a very important day in
the OhTwaddi religious calendar.
383
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:29,600
Really? What's it called?
It's a festival. A feast day!
384
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:31,820
The feast of Mattandebbaay!
385
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:36,440
Amazing! Amazing, this is all
completely new to me.
386
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:38,640
Good, eh? You see how
different we are.
387
00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:40,920
And, er...is this Mrs Khan?
388
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,980
Steady on! We're not that different!
389
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:48,480
She's the mother-in-law.
Mrs Khan's in the kitchen. Oh, perhaps we should say hello.
390
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:53,960
No! Er, the OhTwaddi married
women must be kept separate from men at all times...
391
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:56,120
But what about...?
392
00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,760
Oh, it's OK. Her husband is dead.
393
00:20:58,780 --> 00:21:00,060
Lucky fellow.
394
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:05,200
Very religious, though.
She's always praying. In fact,
395
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:07,180
I don't know why
she's not praying right now.
396
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,680
HE CLEARS THROAT
Isn't it prayer time?
397
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:11,920
Eh? Prayers?
398
00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:13,680
Nahin. Come on!
399
00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:16,060
Come on, you want a biscuit?
400
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:21,220
Come, come, come.
401
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:27,360
Look at that. Good, eh?
402
00:21:27,380 --> 00:21:31,540
Well, I'm must say, I've always
been fascinated by Muslim sects.
403
00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:36,400
What?
404
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:39,060
I'm very interested in Muslim sects.
405
00:21:43,220 --> 00:21:44,480
Are you?
406
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:47,520
Oh, yes. It's an extremely
exciting subject.
407
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:49,940
What about you? How do you fit in?
408
00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:56,560
How do I fit in where?
409
00:21:56,580 --> 00:22:01,100
Well, with all the sects. Would you
say you were fairly orthodox?
410
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,400
Well, quite orthodox.
411
00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:07,380
Bedroom mostly...
412
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:11,140
..and occasionally
we try something different.
413
00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:13,720
And are they involved too?
414
00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:15,820
No, they're bloody not!
415
00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,480
They're not OhTwaddis?
They're a different sect, are they?
416
00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:22,740
Oh, "sect"! I see what you mean.
417
00:22:24,060 --> 00:22:26,280
Salaam Aieikum, Mr Khan.
418
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:29,200
Waleikum Asalaam.
What are you doing here?
419
00:22:29,220 --> 00:22:33,600
We fixed the bath, like you said.
It was very fiddly.
420
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:36,840
You see, we OhTwaddis bathe
all the time.
421
00:22:36,860 --> 00:22:39,780
We have more baths
than you Catholics have babies.
422
00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,040
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
423
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:46,840
Exactly! That's the thing
with us OhTwaddis.
424
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:49,480
We're either bathing or praying.
425
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,560
Oh, look, Alia's praying right now.
426
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:54,040
Such a good girl! What?
427
00:22:54,060 --> 00:22:56,880
MUSIC PLAYS
428
00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:59,840
That's a traditional
OhTwaddi prayer tune.
429
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:03,720
We do our special OhTwaddi prayers
to it.
430
00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:07,000
Oh, really? Oh, yes, yeah.
Well, please, please, don't let me stop you.
431
00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:08,800
Huh? No, no, no, really,
432
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:12,380
I'd love to see it. Would you
mind if I took a photograph?
433
00:23:36,860 --> 00:23:38,780
Oh, twaddi!
434
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,680
What's that noise?
435
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,460
And why are these doors closed?
436
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:53,260
Oh, twaddi!
437
00:23:55,420 --> 00:23:58,080
What the hell is going on?
438
00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:02,080
You can't come in here!
Oh, my goodness! Married women! Do you need to cover their faces?
439
00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:05,020
Well, in her case
it might not be such a bad idea.
440
00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:08,880
Who's that?
441
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:12,040
No-one! He just came for the
celebration, but he's going to go now.
442
00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:15,480
Dad! You're showing me up
in front of Matt and Debbie!
443
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:17,520
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
444
00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:22,560
What a coincidence! We got
a Matt and Debbie at the festival of Mattandebaay!
445
00:24:22,580 --> 00:24:25,480
Time to go. Professor Stevens?
446
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:29,000
I thought it was you.
It's Debbie Evans, from Anscombe Catholic College for Girls.
447
00:24:29,020 --> 00:24:32,200
You were my headmaster. Yes, hello,
Deborah! How are you getting on?
448
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,960
What's a headmaster doing here?
449
00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:37,160
I was trying to get
a bloody scholarship for Alia.
450
00:24:37,180 --> 00:24:41,080
To a Catholic school? What happened
to the Muslim Academy?
451
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:44,560
I was trying to save some money.
452
00:24:44,580 --> 00:24:46,500
You were trying to do what?
453
00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:48,900
Oh, twaddi!
454
00:24:49,980 --> 00:24:52,380
Sorry, what is it you're saying?
455
00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:56,120
Oh, double twaddi!
456
00:24:56,140 --> 00:24:58,240
What's going on?
457
00:24:58,260 --> 00:25:02,600
I made up a fake religion
to get Alia a free school place.
458
00:25:02,620 --> 00:25:06,280
So are you saying...
there is no OhTwaddi sect?
459
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:08,520
Yes. You made it all up?
460
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:12,300
Yes. What, even the carrots?
461
00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:19,660
Yes.
462
00:25:21,420 --> 00:25:24,760
OK, yes, well, thank you very much.
I think I've heard enough.
463
00:25:24,780 --> 00:25:27,480
No, wait, I can explain.
464
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:29,400
We should leave. Come on, Amjad.
465
00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:30,680
Maybe we should go too.
466
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:33,680
Amjad! They're leaving!
Do something to help!
467
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:36,540
Oh, right. Do you need a taxi?
468
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:43,480
So that's it, then?
Alia's failed all her exams
469
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:47,780
and now she doesn't have a school
to go to. You have ruined her life.
470
00:25:50,140 --> 00:25:52,240
It's OK.
471
00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:54,800
We'll send her
to the Muslim Academy.
472
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:57,380
But it's very expensive -
how will you afford it?
473
00:25:58,820 --> 00:26:01,820
I'll find a way.
I'll do whatever it takes.
474
00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:05,200
I'll even...sell...
475
00:26:05,220 --> 00:26:06,900
the Mercedes!
476
00:26:08,580 --> 00:26:10,780
But Papaji, you can't sell your car.
477
00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:16,720
It's all right, sweetie.
478
00:26:16,740 --> 00:26:18,840
Car's not important.
479
00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:21,320
Money is not important.
480
00:26:21,340 --> 00:26:23,900
The most important thing
is your future...
481
00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:27,200
..and I'll take care of it,
482
00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:29,760
no matter how much money
it costs me.
483
00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:32,920
Well...maybe I was being hasty.
484
00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:36,960
Perhaps we can offer you
a free place after all.
485
00:26:36,980 --> 00:26:38,940
Hallelujah!
486
00:26:41,540 --> 00:26:43,920
Do you really mean that?
487
00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:46,360
Yes, there is room for
discretionary application
488
00:26:46,380 --> 00:26:48,160
of the rules for the disadvantaged.
489
00:26:48,180 --> 00:26:51,940
And you are clearly
very disadvantaged.
490
00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:01,840
Here we are. Now let's eat.
491
00:27:01,860 --> 00:27:03,360
Shouldn't we wait for Papaji?
492
00:27:03,380 --> 00:27:06,120
He'll be down in a minute.
He's just gone to freshen up.
493
00:27:06,140 --> 00:27:07,720
I'm so sorry about all that.
494
00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:10,080
It's fine. Really! My dad's always
embarrassing me!
495
00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:14,480
I'm sorry too.
I shouldn't have brought the doli.
496
00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:18,960
Oh, no, it's wonderful.
And when the time comes, Shazia will look beautiful in it.
497
00:27:18,980 --> 00:27:20,640
Aw, thanks, Mum!
498
00:27:20,660 --> 00:27:23,120
It really is fantastic.
499
00:27:23,140 --> 00:27:27,360
The workmanship, it-it-it's
remarkable.
500
00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:29,680
Such intricate fretwork.
501
00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:33,560
Would it be OK if I got in
to have a closer look?
502
00:27:33,580 --> 00:27:34,960
Of course.
503
00:27:34,980 --> 00:27:38,920
But please, do be careful!
It's a family heirloom.
504
00:27:38,940 --> 00:27:40,140
Absolutely!
505
00:27:45,660 --> 00:27:47,160
No harm done!
506
00:27:47,180 --> 00:27:49,360
Oh, thank you so much
for fixing the bath.
507
00:27:49,380 --> 00:27:54,360
It was no trouble. Once we cut out
the joist, it was all plain sailing.
508
00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:56,400
Once you cut out the what?
509
00:27:56,420 --> 00:27:58,860
CREAKING
510
00:28:19,660 --> 00:28:21,540
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
511
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,860
Do we still get a scholarship?
512
00:28:25,910 --> 00:28:30,460
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