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1
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:08,400
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
2
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,720
They all know me. You like my suit?
3
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,520
Number one, Citizen Khan!
4
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,240
Oh, is this the new telly?
5
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,800
Good, isn't it?
The picture's really clear.
6
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,240
It's 42 inch Plasma screen,
1080 pixel High Definition.
7
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,680
The contrast ratio
and depth of field are so good
8
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,400
it's like actually being there.
9
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,880
It's Deal or No Deal.
10
00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,600
Leave him alone, he likes it.
11
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,800
You never know what's in the boxes.
12
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,760
You're such losers watching TV.
I'm going out clubbing.
13
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,800
They'll never let you. I don't
care what they think. Dad's coming!
14
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:01,920
Ha-ha! Shame!
15
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,400
Oh no, 50p! Oh, wait, that's good.
16
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,440
Turn that thing down, it's too loud.
17
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,680
We can't find the remote.
18
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,520
Oh, it's in here somewhere.
19
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,880
I hope you're keeping
everything tidy in here?
20
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,720
You know I've got
guests this evening.
21
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,920
Not again. What is it this time?
22
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,840
I told you,
Mrs Shafiq's husband died,
23
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,880
and I'm holding
a prayer meeting for her,
24
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,560
and I'd appreciate a bit of help.
25
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,400
But I was going to go out tonight.
26
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,920
To the mosque! And now you're not.
27
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,200
But the...
We're all in this together.
28
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,360
The entire family's
reputation is at stake.
29
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,040
Hello! Someone help, please!
30
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,760
Fine. I'll ask Dad.
31
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,640
You stay where you are. Amjad,
please go and help Mr Khan.
32
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,120
Don't worry, budhoo,
I'll tell you what happens!
33
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,320
OK.
34
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,400
You shouldn't be parked there!
35
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,680
It's my house,
and it's my bloody space!
36
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,560
Try and think of other
people for a change!
37
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,200
Hello, sir. Oh, hello, Amjad.
Who are you shouting at?
38
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,360
Ambulance.
Come for Mrs Akmal.
39
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:04,000
I told him, if you want collect
people, park outside their house.
40
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,560
If there's no space, go around
the block until there is space.
41
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,760
Mrs Akmal's not going anywhere!
42
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,880
She presses that panic button
every five minutes.
43
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,000
Probably run out of milk.
44
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,920
Get the bus to Asda
like everyone else!
45
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,000
Here, help me get these in.
46
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,200
What are these, sir?
47
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,000
Lightbulbs! On special offer
from cash and carry.
48
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,440
64 for the price of 47!
49
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,880
Who needs energy saving?
These'll last me for years.
50
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,720
Should they all be red?
51
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,680
Of course! White is
too bloody expensive!
52
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,080
So, what do you think
of the new TB? Good, eh?
53
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,320
Yes, sir. It's amazing.
54
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,520
It's like being in the
same room as Noel Edmonds.
55
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,800
Well, the cricket
will be better. The what?
56
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,280
The cricket! England v Pakistan!
57
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,680
The big game today.
58
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,520
Pakistan! Zindabad!
Pakistan! Zindabad!
59
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:58,960
I don't really like the cricket.
60
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960
You know, I used to be a bit of a
player in my younger days, you know.
61
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,360
I don't really like the cricket.
62
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,120
Khan's on 99. Lillee bowls.
63
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,680
He smashes for six!
That's his hundred! Careful, Amjad!
64
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,040
Sorry, sir. It's OK.
65
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,240
You can owe me.
66
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,440
Now, where are you
watching the game?
67
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,920
I'm not. Me and Shazia are
going to the theatre. Mamma Mias.
68
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,160
Suit yourself, boy.
69
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,400
But I tell you what, nothing
comes between me and the cricket.
70
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,800
Pakistan! Zindabad!
Pakist... Oh, hello, darling.
71
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,440
Stop shouting.
What will the neighbours think?
72
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,360
We're supposed to be
in mourning, remember?
73
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,760
We are? Who's died?
74
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,240
Mrs Shafiq's husband.
75
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,120
Oh, no. Oh, dear.
76
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,200
How terrible.
77
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,880
Who's Mrs Shafiq?
78
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,640
She's a very good friend of mine.
79
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,480
She's coming round with some of the
women from the mosque for prayers.
80
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,840
But, sweetie... It's going to be
a very difficult day for me.
81
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,120
OK, but... These people
are my closest friends...
82
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,880
so if the house isn't perfect
they'll tear me to shreds
83
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,280
and I'll never be able to
show my face in public again.
84
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,560
It will be the worst day of my life!
85
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,720
But the cricket is on the TB.
86
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,200
So?
87
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,360
So what is the point of paying
special �1.50-a-month-for-25-years
88
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,800
hire purchase price for brand new,
previously-used-for-demonstration
89
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,440
plajma TB if I can't watch
the bloody cricket on it?
90
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,840
HE HOCKS LOUDLY
91
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,800
You're not watching cricket.
We're holding funeral prayers.
92
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,720
Women only, no men allowed.
93
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,000
You think you have control
of this house, don't you?
94
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,480
I'll tell you who's in control.
95
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,240
Me, that's who.
Your husband, Mr Khan.
96
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,120
I want you out of the house by 5:30.
97
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,160
I decide what time I come and go!
98
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,160
So, what time do you want to go?
99
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,640
5:45.
100
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,240
Afternoon, Mr Khan! Hello, Keith.
101
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:53,280
Asalaam Alaikum! Very good.
How's that new telly of yours?
102
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,760
Bet the picture's good, is it?
103
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,640
Better than my old set.
It's nearly 15 years old now.
104
00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,680
Practically stone age!
105
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,040
What do you want? No, nothing.
106
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,560
Just, you know, maybe
I could pop in and have a look?
107
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,240
See what it's like in case
I wanted to upgrade.
108
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,800
We've only got Al-Jazeera. Oh.
109
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,200
You hear that?
No squeak. Homebase.
110
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,920
What's yours,
bloody Wickes, isn't it?
111
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,400
GATE SQUEAKS
112
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,240
Exactly.
113
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800
'Hello, everyone.
114
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,880
'Today's eagerly anticipated
20/20 match here at Trent Bridge
115
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,040
'between England and Pakistan
is expected to be a cracker.
116
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,120
'Stuart Broad will lead out
his young side in a must win...'
117
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,440
Pakistan!
118
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,000
Zindabad!
119
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,840
Pakistan! Zindabad!
120
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,640
Get the pakoras out,
the green army are playing!
121
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,920
Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.
122
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,680
Waleikum Asalaam, Riaz.
Looking forward to the big game?
123
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,960
Oh, yes. I love the cricket!
124
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960
Good boy. What about you?
Big fan of the cricket?
125
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,200
We don't have cricket in my country.
126
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,560
Of course you are.
127
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,280
Football is the big game in Somalia.
128
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,640
The Ocean Stars
are the national team.
129
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,960
Unfortunately we cannot
play any matches at home
130
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,840
because of the terrible civil war
which is still going on.
131
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,840
You see, even he loves it!
132
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,000
We're going to listen
to it on my radio.
133
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,320
What? This isn't the dark ages.
We got TB nowadays.
134
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,960
I'm going to watch it in the office.
They got a big one in there.
135
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,200
What about Dave? Don't worry
about him. This is going to be great.
136
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,480
Pakistan! Zindabad!
137
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,280
Pakistan! Zindabad!
138
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,560
Asalaam Alaikum. Hello, Dave.
139
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,560
How are you today, my brother?
140
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,120
Well, for a starters, I'm not
your brother. Seriously, Dave.
141
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,600
I have told you this before.
142
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,640
What part of "I'm not your brother"
don't you understand?
143
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,040
I just thought we're getting to
know each other now and... We are.
144
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,000
You know, we get on
pretty well... We do.
145
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,200
And you call me Dave,
so maybe I should call you...?
146
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,800
Mr Khan. Right.
147
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,800
How are you today, Mr Khan?
148
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,680
Fine, thank you, Dave.
Now where's the TB?
149
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,440
What do you want the TV for?
To watch the cricket.
150
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,960
England v Pakistan? We're all
watching it, aren't we, boys?
151
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,200
Oh, yes! Pakistan! Zindabad!
152
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,160
Zindabad.
153
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,800
Right. Well, I was just trying
to sort out all these old books
154
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,960
for the mosque
children's book club. The what?
155
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,320
It's a new thing, my idea actually.
156
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,880
I thought it'd be a good way
of attracting in new members.
157
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,440
New members? This is a mosque, Dave.
158
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,760
Not LA Fitness.
159
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,000
And THIS is no good.
160
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,840
The Three Little Pigs?
161
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,640
We're Muslim, Dave, remember?
162
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,560
I suppose I can always do it later.
163
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,760
I may be a man of God these days
164
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,280
but I'm still quite partial to
a bit of the old leather and willow.
165
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,440
The cricket.
166
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,440
Oh right, well, that's the spirit.
167
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,640
You know, being a Muslim
168
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,920
isn't just about growing beards
and reading the Quran, you know.
169
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:05,080
Isn't it? Oh, no.
It's the whole package.
170
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,160
Culture. Community. Cricket.
The three C's!
171
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,240
Exactly. Pakistan!
172
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,560
Zindabad! Zindabad!
173
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,000
Reception's not great I'm afraid,
174
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,200
but if you twiddle the aerial a bit
you can usually get something.
175
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,400
What the hell is that?!
176
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,760
It's the TV.
177
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,720
That's not a TB,
that's a bloody microwave!
178
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,280
Where's the other one? The big one?
179
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,640
Oh, er, we got rid of it.
180
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,720
Quite a few of the
Woman's Group raised objections.
181
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:36,680
See, this is the difference between
English mans and Pakistani mans.
182
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,400
In Pakistani community, man is
in charge. King of the castle.
183
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,360
Womens are more like dirty rascal.
184
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,160
You don't get rid of the TB
just because womens says so.
185
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,960
You think I got
teeny tiny TB in my house?
186
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,520
I got brand new 42-inch Plajma
Hi-Fi Def Jam Surroundy Soundy!
187
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,960
You can't expect us to watch
the cricket on that thing.
188
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,440
It is a conundrum.
189
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,000
Conundrum? It's a bloody disaster!
190
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,960
What to do?
191
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,320
We could watch it at yours.
192
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,560
What? We were thinking we could
watch it on your new television.
193
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,160
We could but... Great idea!
It'd be like a boys night out!
194
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,920
Hang on, Dave. I thought you had
42-inch surroundy soundy. I have.
195
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,760
So, what's the problem?
You don't have surroundy soundy?
196
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,760
Yes, but... That's settled then,
we're watching it at yours.
197
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,800
Fine! No problem.
We'll watch it at mine!
198
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,400
Green Army! Green Army!
199
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,040
Green Army! Green Army!
I love being a Muslim!
200
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:39,120
Sweetie darling! Your favourite,
erm, sweetie darling is home!
201
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,680
What are you doing here?
202
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,360
I thought I'd come back and help
with your ladies prayer thing.
203
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,760
Like good modern husband.
204
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:48,360
OK. All of the ladies have arrived.
They're in the living room.
205
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,240
Brilliant. Perfect. What?
206
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,800
You know, excellent that everyone
is here for your very special thing.
207
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,080
I think Mrs Shafiq will
appreciate it, don't you?
208
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,880
You worry too much. She'll love it.
209
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,800
Her only regret will be
she doesn't have more husbands
210
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,320
who could die, so she could
do it all over again.
211
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,440
I hope so.
212
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,560
What do you think?
Does it seem calm?
213
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,240
Yes.
214
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,920
Good, because we'll be praying
and reading from the Quran...
215
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,280
I know that. ..and there should be an
atmosphere of quiet contemplation...
216
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,920
Look, it's fine!
I just bloody told you!
217
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,160
Chillax, my sweetie darling.
218
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:27,600
Everything will be calm
and peaceful and wonderful. OK?
219
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,080
You promise? Of course.
You have my word.
220
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,120
HE HOCKS LOUDLY
221
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,600
Pakistan! Zinda...!
Shush! Oh, God!
222
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,600
Not in there! This way!
223
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,480
HOOTER BLOWS
And keep quiet!
224
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,560
What is it, the missus?
No, of course not.
225
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,960
It's the neighbour. He's white.
If we make too much noise
226
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,920
he'll think I've brought the
family over from the villages!
227
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,040
Are you going to put
your lucky pads on?
228
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,200
Later.
229
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,520
Who should I be cheering for,
by the way? England or Pakistan?
230
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,360
It's a very interesting
question, Dave.
231
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,800
On one hand, you have
the third world backward country,
232
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,840
home to many millions
of poor Muslims,
233
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,120
and on the other hand
you have Pakistan.
234
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,440
Right. I am English, though, so...
235
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,600
You are Muslim now, Dave.
You have to support Pakistan.
236
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,960
It's God's team.
237
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,560
Ah, what about Bangladesh?
238
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,840
Don't be stupid, Dave.
239
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,920
Pakistan are batting.
We need 150 runs to win.
240
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:33,400
Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakistan!
Shush! Zindabad! Shush!
241
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,040
Right! Let's get the
telly on...where is it?
242
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,920
Oh, bugger. It's in the other room.
243
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,760
Come on, let's go...
No, wait! I'll get it.
244
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,040
DOORBELL RINGS
245
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh, God.
246
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,680
Amjad! Hello, sir. What are you
doing? I've come to collect Shazia. We're going to the theatre.
247
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,200
Not anymore you're not. Oh, no!
Have I got the wrong day?
248
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,520
Listen to me.
249
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,800
I've got some of the boys
over from the mosque,
250
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,800
and we're watching
the cricket here, OK?
251
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,920
Pakistan! Zindabad!
252
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,760
I don't really like the cricket.
253
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,080
Amjad... Me and Shazia are going
to the theatre. Amjad! Mamma Mias.
254
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,960
I'm going to have a Magnum and
Shazia's going to have a Cornetto.
255
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,240
Amjad. Yes, sir?
256
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,480
Shut up! OK.
257
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,440
Now, I'll need you to help me move
the TB in here and wire it all up.
258
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,120
Gotcha! You know how to do that?
259
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,920
Yes, sir. I'm very technologically
accomplished. But here's the...
260
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,960
But here's the thing. Mrs Khan
has got some of the ladies over
261
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,840
doing mourning and
prayers and so forth.
262
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,360
Oh, yes. Oh, no, she'll go mental!
263
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,240
Amjad, This is my house.
I can do what I like, remember?
264
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,200
Right. It just so happens
I don't want to spoil the cricket
265
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,560
with funeral prayers.
Dead people can be a real downer.
266
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,800
Sure. Now, I'll make sure
Mrs Khan is out the way,
267
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,160
you keep the boys in there.
268
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,320
So, you want me to
keep them shut up in that room?
269
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,720
Of course not! They are guests in
my house! This is not a prison!
270
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,840
Oh, so they can come in or go out?
271
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,560
No. They can't come in or go out?
272
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,320
No. They can go out,
but they can't come in?
273
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,760
Amjad!
274
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,600
Relax. Breathe in, that's it.
275
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,200
It's very simple.
276
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,480
You make everybody stay in there
and have a nice time,
277
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,920
but don't let them
wander round the rest of the house.
278
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,840
Oh, OK. You understand?
279
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,200
Duh! I'm not stupid!
280
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,320
Amjad!
281
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,360
Everybody stay here!
282
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,200
Mrs Khan.
283
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,800
Mrs Malik.
284
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,040
Such a terrible thing,
Mr Shafiq passing away like that.
285
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,840
Terrible shame.
He was such a nice man.
286
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,400
Were you close? Well, I wouldn't
say we were close,
287
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,720
but he'd always say hello
when we met in Asda.
288
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,040
Hmm, Asda. Aaacha.
289
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:49,160
Of course, Mr Malik was very
good friends with him.
290
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,040
Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq.
291
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:57,200
I must say, I always assumed that I
would arrange the prayer meeting
292
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,920
if either of them should pass away.
293
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,720
Well, you can do the next one!
I'll save you some pakoras.
294
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,400
Don't trouble yourself.
295
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,480
Ah, she's finished.
296
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,200
Poor woman!
297
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,160
Such a shame!
298
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,840
I was so sorry to
hear of your husband's passing.
299
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,720
I was also so sorry. Even sorrier.
300
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,560
It is God's will.
301
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,080
But I'm so glad you could all come
to my house for prayers.
302
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,560
It was the least I could do.
303
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,440
Yes, it was.
304
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,200
It's such a shame
Mr Malik couldn't be here,
305
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,440
seeing as he and Mr Shafiq
were such great friends.
306
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,960
My husband insisted on being here.
307
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,480
He's devastated by your loss.
308
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,440
I was moved to wear
the Pakistani colours
309
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,520
as a tribute to Mr Shafiq.
310
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,600
My husband would like to
pay his respects face to face.
311
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,440
Mrs Shafiq,
may I offer my deepest sympathy.
312
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:08,240
Mrs Shafiq,
may I offer my deepest sympathy.
313
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,840
Asalaam Alaikum.
314
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,600
Your husband was a very well
respected man in the community.
315
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,320
I should know. I myself, an even more
well respected man in the community.
316
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,280
My name's Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me.
317
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,040
What are you doing?
I'm paying my respects.
318
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,880
This is a very distressing
time for me too you know.
319
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,360
CHEERING
320
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,200
Ah...Allah!
321
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,040
RADIO: And he's out.
322
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,960
GROANS: Allah!
323
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,120
I'm getting ready to pray.
I'm limbering up.
324
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,280
If you're going to talk to God
you got to be in good voice.
325
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,320
CLEARS THROAT
326
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,520
I'm going to get some food,
327
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,760
and the ladies are going to be
doing prayers in here.
328
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,200
Good idea.
Don't do anything.
329
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,800
(Psst, Amjad! Come here!)
330
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,120
Excuse me!
331
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,440
Asalaam Alaikum, excuse me.
332
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,440
Excuse me!
333
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,360
Come on!
334
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,920
Dad? Alia!
335
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,800
Can I go out?
No, of course you can't.
336
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,680
Why not? You're supposed to be
helping your mother.
337
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,480
What are you doing with the telly?
What are we doing with the telly?
338
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,840
What are we doing with the... What
are we doing with the telly, Amjad?
339
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,560
We are moving it.
We are moving it.
340
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,440
Brilliant! We are moving it.
341
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,840
Does Mum know? No.
Shall I tell her? No!
342
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,160
So can I go out? Yes.
343
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,080
Can I stay out late?
344
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,360
Yes.
345
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,280
Can I have some money? Yes!
346
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,120
Thanks. I'll get the door for you.
347
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,000
SHOUTING: Pakistan! Pakistan!
348
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,360
HORN BLARES
349
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,000
Shh! Everybody stay here!
350
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,800
Shut up! Are you going to plug it in?
351
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,120
Where's the remote? I don't know.
Oh, yes. The remote.
352
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:57,120
Put them back! Don't move that!
353
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,200
Oh, God! What about some drinks
and the nibbles?
354
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,640
What? Crips and that.
I'm not a bloody servant!
355
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,320
I don't mind getting them. What?
356
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,280
I could say Asalaam Alaikum
to Mrs Khan.
357
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,200
No, you don't. I'll do it.
Where are you going?
358
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,680
Toilet. Already?
359
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,680
I had two cans of Fanta on the way
here. He was chugging it!
360
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,080
It's occupied.
Can't you hold ten minutes?
361
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,720
No.
362
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,360
I think I've got something!
363
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,800
Pick them up!
And put those cushions back!
364
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,720
And you, tie a knot in it!
365
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,480
Everybody stay here!
366
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,320
Amjad! Shut up and put the telly
down! Thank you, sir!
367
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,800
Dad!
368
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,680
Oh! What is it?
369
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,160
Let me guess, is it Amjad?
It is Amjad!
370
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,680
Well, what a surprise(!)
371
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,480
Why don't you talk
to your mother about it?
372
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:58,840
Well, she's holding prayers for
the dead. She always has an excuse.
373
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,000
Right, go on then.
374
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,520
Right, well, we've been planning
this trip to the theatre for ages
375
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,520
and I thought he was looking forward
to it as much as I was,
376
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,240
but now I can't get hold of him.
377
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,560
Oh, dear.
378
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,000
He can't treat me like this.
I'm supposed to be his fiance.
379
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,520
Well, what a lovely chat we've had.
380
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,160
I'm going to tell him it's over.
381
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,640
I'm going to go and tell
Mrs Malik right now.
382
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,680
No!
383
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,480
Darling, he'll turn up eventually.
384
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,320
You know, sometimes you have to give
a man space to be a man,
385
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,320
and think about man things
386
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,440
like cars, or DIY.
387
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,360
Or sometimes we just
think about nothing.
388
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,560
Like this.
389
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,840
He does look like that sometimes.
390
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,480
There you go, see?
391
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,160
But I don't care
about those man things.
392
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,520
Well, that's not my fault, is it?
393
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,960
Look, this wouldn't be a problem if
you were a boy.
394
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,600
You're not and I have accepted that,
and I've moved on,
395
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,960
and quite frankly I think
it's time you did too!
396
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,880
Mrs Khan, I was bringing
some drinks and snacks.
397
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,480
You know, this praying
can be thirsty work, no?
398
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,560
Oh, that's so considerate,
thank you!
399
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,800
Not at all.
400
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,000
Most husbands wouldn't be
so thoughtful.
401
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,840
You know me.
Always thinking of others.
402
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,200
You know, Mr Malik wouldn't even
give his wife a lift.
403
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,760
Said he was watching the cricket.
404
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,200
What a rotter!
405
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,920
If you really want to be helpful,
406
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,040
you could lay the table
in the dining room.
407
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,320
Of course... Er, what?
408
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,320
We're finishing our final prayers
and then we'll be coming in to eat.
409
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,920
But, sweetie...
410
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:37,880
Nothing.
411
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,320
What are you doing?
We can't turn it on!
412
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,120
Why not? None of these work. We think
it might be your aerial.
413
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,400
Ah, this is your main TV feed.
414
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,760
We just need to find out
where it goes.
415
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,000
Just leave that!
416
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,680
It's the last over.
We need 10 to win!
417
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,800
Amjad, where's the bloody remote?
I hope Shazia's all right.
418
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,400
Come on, get your lucky pads on.
419
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,520
I think I should talk to her.
Who?
420
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,360
Shazia. I think she's upset
about missing the Mamma Mias.
421
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,360
She's not.
I think she might be a bit upset.
422
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,240
She's not upset.
I think she might be.
423
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,760
She's not. I think she is.
424
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,480
I keep telling you, she doesn't
give a bloody monkeys!
425
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,680
Problems? No.
426
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,200
If the lead is long enough,
427
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,360
we can feed it off the aerial
of the neighbour.
428
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,920
No, you can't!
429
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,720
Look, Shazia's in
with the ladies now.
430
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,680
Helping with the dead man's prayers.
Having a great time!
431
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,680
I should go in the other
room and say I'm sorry.
432
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,160
Look, you don't need to do that.
433
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,760
Sometimes women say
they want to be in charge,
434
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,480
but really they like us
to be in charge.
435
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,480
It makes them feel all safe
and comfortable.
436
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,400
As we say in Pakistan,
"All snuggly buggly."
437
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,160
But sometimes she does get quite
upset about things.
438
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,120
Like the other day. Yes?
439
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,440
We were shopping and it was nearly
lunchtime. Lunchtime, yes?
440
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,360
And I couldn't decide
whether to have a kebab or a roti,
441
00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,360
so I was like, "Kebab or roti?
Kebab or roti?"
442
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:04,760
And Shazia said, "Amjad, have a
roti. You know you like it."
443
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,160
And she was right.
444
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:13,120
What an amazing anecdote(!) Now,
where's the bloody remote control?
445
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:15,080
I think I might have left
it in the other room.
446
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,120
Oh, God!
447
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,320
Don't worry. What are you doing?
448
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,680
This is how we used to watch Homes
Underneath The Hammer in Somalia.
449
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,960
We're going to miss it.
450
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,040
I knew we should have stayed at
the Mosque. Look, I'll sort it.
451
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,800
DOORBELL RINGS
452
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,880
Oh, God!
453
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,120
Hi!
454
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,920
What the hell do you want?
455
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,400
I just came to say the cricket's on
at mine if you want to watch it. No, thank you.
456
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,440
Maybe I can watch it here, then?
No, thank you.
457
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,440
I don't follow the cricket.
458
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,960
What are those then?
459
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,880
Prayer pads. Protect your knees
whilst your praying.
460
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,280
Oh, right. And that?
461
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,160
This is a Muslim religious artefact.
462
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,840
It looks like a cricket bat.
463
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,320
That proves you are ignorant
of Muslim culture,
464
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,160
and therefore a bloody racialist!
465
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,040
Thank you! Goodbye!
466
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:21,880
Oh, God.
467
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:46,520
Ah, excuse me...
468
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,920
SCREAMING
469
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,520
Get off me, you filthy man!
470
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,240
What's going on?
471
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,960
Nothing! Carry on praying!
What are you doing?
472
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,200
I was offering
Mrs Shafiq my condolences.
473
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,960
Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I'm so sorry!
474
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,760
My husband has been very stressed
out at work lately,
475
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,160
and he's really very, very
upset about your husband's passing.
476
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,960
Yes, it's a sad time for all of us.
477
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,600
We've been thinking of nothing else!
478
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,280
CHEERING
479
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,680
What the hell is going on?
480
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,680
Asalaam Alaikum, Mrs Khan.
Omar got the aerial working.
481
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,280
It's not what it looks like.
482
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,760
Amjad! He made me do it.
483
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,840
Why, Dad? It's complicated.
484
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,360
My husband has just died and you've
brought shame on me, on his memory,
485
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,120
and on your entire family.
486
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,640
Oh, my God!
487
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,160
Your family already has a name.
488
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,880
Your younger daughter
is out all the time!
489
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,360
No, no, no! She isn't,
she's here, helping me!
490
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,280
Where's Alia?
491
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:54,400
I let her go out.
492
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,160
Oh, my God! You've ruined me!
493
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,240
I can't hold this up much longer!
494
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,520
I think it's time we left.
495
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,440
Amjad, come help me with Mrs Shafiq.
496
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,320
If you go now, I'll never speak to
you again! But Ludhoo, I...
497
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,800
No, please. Please don't go!
498
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,840
Have some more food, you've haven't
eaten anything! I'll order pizza!
499
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,760
Please don't go! Please don't go!
500
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,800
Did we win?
501
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,840
MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
502
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:27,360
Who would have thought that Mr
Shafiq was such a huge fan of ABBA?
503
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:32,120
Oh, yes. I used to call him
my Dancing Queen.
504
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,280
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
505
00:26:03,330 --> 00:26:07,880
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39122
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