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1
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_
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Jesus, Dave...
3
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Men shouldn't lie to women.
4
00:00:08,351 --> 00:00:10,025
Don't feel you need to talk to me.
5
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:12,414
Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
6
00:00:13,225 --> 00:00:14,596
Hey, Harita!
7
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I want to talk about my future,
8
00:00:15,895 --> 00:00:19,628
see if you had any use for this old
bag of bones around the old shop.
9
00:00:19,663 --> 00:00:20,772
I miss you guys!
10
00:00:29,975 --> 00:00:30,820
OK.
11
00:00:30,855 --> 00:00:34,030
(MOANING)
12
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,205
Where do you want me to come?
13
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,209
- OK.
- No, where!
14
00:00:37,283 --> 00:00:40,928
(ROB MOANS)
15
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(SHARON GROANS)
16
00:00:43,683 --> 00:00:45,495
(ROB SIGHS)
17
00:00:45,530 --> 00:00:47,770
Are you sure it's OK, that we did that?
18
00:00:47,805 --> 00:00:50,321
Yeah, it's fine, because... Well...
19
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,545
Oh, shit.
20
00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:55,265
Oh, fuck it, it should be OK?
21
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,349
Did you pre-come in me?
22
00:00:56,392 --> 00:00:58,837
Yeah, I was pre-coming before I put it in.
23
00:00:58,872 --> 00:01:00,848
Well, that's not very nice!
24
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(BOTH CHUCKLE)
25
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,664
We need to be using birth control.
26
00:01:05,704 --> 00:01:07,707
We can't have any more kids.
27
00:01:07,755 --> 00:01:09,941
I've got to go and see
the doctor tomorrow anyway,
28
00:01:09,998 --> 00:01:12,563
to work out why my tits are so sore.
29
00:01:12,797 --> 00:01:14,880
I'll look into a coil or something.
30
00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:17,234
You've been saying that for over a year.
31
00:01:17,269 --> 00:01:20,002
Yeah, well, it's just hard,
because, if I get the coil,
32
00:01:20,037 --> 00:01:21,192
it'll probably stop the sore tits,
33
00:01:21,227 --> 00:01:22,333
because it'll be stopping my periods.
34
00:01:22,368 --> 00:01:24,896
But the only thing I like about
my periods is that I get big tits.
35
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- That hurt!
- Yeah, but that are big.
36
00:01:27,266 --> 00:01:29,930
I guess that big tits
are worth a little pain.
37
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,634
I wonder how much pain I'd
put up with to be less fat.
38
00:01:32,669 --> 00:01:34,795
- Probably not much.
- Yeah.
39
00:01:38,052 --> 00:01:41,060
- (SARCASTICALLY) Thank you so much.
- (SHARON LAUGHS)
40
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,259
What time do your folks get in tomorrow?
41
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Uh, they get in at six.
42
00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:48,960
Fergal gets in at three.
43
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What's he doing back here?
44
00:01:50,372 --> 00:01:52,217
He's got a little business here.
45
00:01:52,435 --> 00:01:55,299
How the fuck has Fergal managed
to start another business?
46
00:01:55,346 --> 00:01:58,641
Any idiot can start a business.
You could start a business.
47
00:01:58,704 --> 00:02:01,076
- Business that does what?
- Business!
48
00:02:01,135 --> 00:02:02,352
Do you not have any ideas?
49
00:02:02,387 --> 00:02:06,155
Well, I do have an idea for an app...
50
00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:08,704
- Get out.
- No, seriously.
51
00:02:08,739 --> 00:02:12,793
Listen. You know how a lot of
women in porn don't have pubic hair?
52
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:14,014
- Mmm-hmm.
- And then you know how
53
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:16,304
the Terminator sees things with, like,
54
00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:19,000
grids and heat signatures?
55
00:02:19,122 --> 00:02:22,636
What if there was an app that did
the same kind of thing but only for
56
00:02:22,671 --> 00:02:25,347
bald pussies and when
it found a bald pussy,
57
00:02:25,382 --> 00:02:27,627
it put a nice healthy bush on it.
58
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:31,187
You could pick the style, it
could be '70s bush, or 1870s,
59
00:02:31,222 --> 00:02:32,311
if you really want to...
60
00:02:32,346 --> 00:02:35,576
But I mean, that's detail,
that's up to the user.
61
00:02:36,395 --> 00:02:38,520
I'm been deadly serious now.
62
00:02:38,555 --> 00:02:40,693
That is a fucking brilliant idea.
63
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:41,734
Devil's advocate, though,
64
00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:44,599
have you thought about the fact that
one day your daughter might find out
65
00:02:44,634 --> 00:02:46,869
what you do for a living?
Doesn't that worry you?
66
00:02:46,936 --> 00:02:51,559
Am I worried that my daughter will
find out that I'm a feminist innovator?
67
00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:53,102
No.
68
00:02:53,175 --> 00:02:56,012
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
69
00:02:57,576 --> 00:03:01,576
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
70
00:03:02,471 --> 00:03:05,000
- Who's that?
- Oh, Fran.
71
00:03:05,068 --> 00:03:05,911
You're not going to answer it?
72
00:03:05,946 --> 00:03:08,078
No, I'll just let it go to voice
mail and then I'll text her.
73
00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:09,414
Should I cook for your folks?
74
00:03:09,449 --> 00:03:12,240
- Are they going to be eating?
- Erm, no.
75
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,993
Best not set that precedent.
76
00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:16,197
We want to telegraph they're
not totally welcome here.
77
00:03:19,818 --> 00:03:22,681
Fran wants us to have dinner
tomorrow night with her and Chris.
78
00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:25,596
That's weird. She wants
to ask us something.
79
00:03:25,631 --> 00:03:27,116
I wonder what that's about?
80
00:03:27,151 --> 00:03:28,945
If you'd answered your
phone, you might know that.
81
00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:31,358
Maybe they want a threesome.
82
00:03:31,403 --> 00:03:35,098
So, wait, three of us fuck
and one of us makes sandwiches?
83
00:03:35,163 --> 00:03:36,353
You know I'm meant foursome.
84
00:03:36,388 --> 00:03:38,113
I think that ship has sailed.
85
00:03:38,148 --> 00:03:39,126
What about your parents?
86
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,933
No, I don't think they
want a foursome, either.
87
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:43,117
Ha! No, they are just here for the night.
88
00:03:43,152 --> 00:03:45,856
Then they start their funeral
tour. Two funerals, one visit.
89
00:03:45,910 --> 00:03:46,958
Fair play.
90
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:48,874
Bye.
91
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,810
Bye! OK, I'm going to go to school.
92
00:03:51,845 --> 00:03:53,783
Drop some science on
the leaders of tomorrow.
93
00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:54,556
What are you doing?
94
00:03:54,593 --> 00:03:57,204
I'm just going to make the most
of my last few days of freedom.
95
00:03:57,277 --> 00:04:00,162
I might go to a Ukip
meeting or get a tattoo.
96
00:04:00,197 --> 00:04:02,938
Ugh. Don't get a tattoo.
97
00:04:06,385 --> 00:04:08,785
You want to go in the...
98
00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:09,567
the sitting thing.
99
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:12,483
The big soft sitting
thing with the squares...
100
00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:14,060
- The couch?
- The couch.
101
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:17,355
- Couch?
- It's called a couch.
102
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:19,647
That's a silly word.
103
00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:22,960
So, you're back in the Braeband fold?
104
00:04:23,003 --> 00:04:23,851
That sucks.
105
00:04:23,886 --> 00:04:26,614
Yeah, but look. I was watching
the news the other night
106
00:04:26,655 --> 00:04:29,195
and there's this doctor in Aleppo
107
00:04:29,299 --> 00:04:32,443
and he puts people back
together after they get blown up
108
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,288
and he just stays there and sticks it out.
109
00:04:34,346 --> 00:04:35,989
And I know that's not my situation,
110
00:04:36,024 --> 00:04:41,162
but my family is my Syria and I have
to work at a terrible job so that
111
00:04:41,243 --> 00:04:44,755
they can eat and live in a
house, and that's just how it is.
112
00:04:45,991 --> 00:04:48,354
Isn't it more that you just
couldn't get another job?
113
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,542
Oh, speaking of Syria...
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00:04:55,826 --> 00:04:57,431
...Catherine wants a baby.
115
00:04:57,466 --> 00:04:59,393
Really? Well, that's great...
116
00:04:59,428 --> 00:05:00,997
Yeah, great for you, maybe.
117
00:05:01,122 --> 00:05:03,247
- How is that great for me?
- I can't do it.
118
00:05:03,282 --> 00:05:05,247
Look at me. I'm an idiot.
119
00:05:05,282 --> 00:05:08,476
I haven't contributed one thing to society.
120
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,148
What could I contribute as a father?
121
00:05:10,191 --> 00:05:11,236
What?
122
00:05:11,317 --> 00:05:15,924
You're funny, you're enterprising,
you have beautiful blue eyes.
123
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:21,376
Rob? If you're asking if you can
jerk me off, the answer is yes!
124
00:05:23,537 --> 00:05:25,866
It's not unbearable pain. It's...
125
00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:29,302
They just feel sort of hot. You know...
126
00:05:29,337 --> 00:05:32,030
and lumpier than usual and...
127
00:05:32,115 --> 00:05:36,115
You know, if I touch them or
run, they just feel tender.
128
00:05:38,778 --> 00:05:39,983
Nipples?
129
00:05:40,065 --> 00:05:40,795
Pardon?
130
00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:42,715
Do your nipples feel tender?
131
00:05:43,282 --> 00:05:44,673
Mmm-hmm. Mmm.
132
00:05:49,785 --> 00:05:50,568
Hmm.
133
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,645
You can put your top back on now.
134
00:06:04,219 --> 00:06:05,430
Oh, OK.
135
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:08,722
So, I don't feel anything suspicious,
136
00:06:08,819 --> 00:06:13,511
there are some fatty tissue deposits
here and there and one of your
137
00:06:13,564 --> 00:06:15,827
nipples is a little cockeyed.
138
00:06:15,862 --> 00:06:18,067
But that's just cosmetic.
139
00:06:18,277 --> 00:06:20,442
Oh. OK.
140
00:06:20,570 --> 00:06:21,488
Sorry.
141
00:06:23,130 --> 00:06:26,170
Jeez, are my tits that
filthy? (SHARON CHUCKLES)
142
00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:29,325
Now, if you want, we can pop in
a coil that will stop your periods
143
00:06:29,398 --> 00:06:32,010
and almost certainly stop the breast pain.
144
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,809
What form of contraception
are you using now?
145
00:06:33,844 --> 00:06:34,960
Erm, pull it out.
146
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,419
Erm, yeah, the pull it
out, usually, method.
147
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:41,256
- Which is, obviously, know, silly...
- Reckless.
148
00:06:41,554 --> 00:06:43,326
Yeah. Right.
149
00:06:43,397 --> 00:06:45,184
I thought about getting
the coil, but, you know,
150
00:06:45,248 --> 00:06:48,810
I'm 44 now and my husband's not
in great shape, so, I just thought,
151
00:06:48,882 --> 00:06:50,508
what are the chances, really?
152
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,115
Would you like me to
assess your ovarian reserve?
153
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:54,714
- Eggs?
- Yeah.
154
00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,921
Erm, yeah. Sure.
155
00:06:57,745 --> 00:07:01,199
- How many do I have?
- Well, I'll have to take a look see.
156
00:07:01,259 --> 00:07:02,403
OK, sure.
157
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:05,559
Do I need to take my tights off?
158
00:07:05,696 --> 00:07:07,001
I'd recommend it.
159
00:07:09,923 --> 00:07:11,968
- Hey.
- Hey!
160
00:07:12,058 --> 00:07:13,020
Are you ready?
161
00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:16,226
I thought we could go and get Argi wraps
before the Action for Children dinner.
162
00:07:16,292 --> 00:07:17,259
Sure.
163
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,565
Oh, shit, I left my... erm...
164
00:07:19,795 --> 00:07:23,795
Let me go grab my, erm...
165
00:07:24,483 --> 00:07:25,848
How have you been, Rob?
166
00:07:25,938 --> 00:07:27,407
Good. Great.
167
00:07:27,455 --> 00:07:30,434
- How're you? How's...
- You were a real mess the night Dave OD'd.
168
00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:31,849
It's none of my business, really,
169
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:33,763
but are you getting the help that you need?
170
00:07:33,813 --> 00:07:35,122
Well, sure, I mean...
171
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:39,191
No, because I'm fine, you
know, it was a one-time thing.
172
00:07:39,239 --> 00:07:42,924
You know, if you ever need to
talk, you can just come over,
173
00:07:43,131 --> 00:07:44,516
bring Sharon.
174
00:07:45,541 --> 00:07:46,824
See you later, buddy!
175
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:49,865
Couch. I'm going to look that up,
176
00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:52,074
because I think you're pulling my leg!
177
00:07:59,430 --> 00:08:01,908
That's our neighbours, Sebastien
and Maria. They don't speak English,
178
00:08:01,961 --> 00:08:03,711
- but they have a Jacuzzi.
- Ooh!
179
00:08:03,792 --> 00:08:06,339
- There's Mallandra in the Jacuzzi.
- BOTH PARENTS: Ahh!
180
00:08:06,374 --> 00:08:08,113
- That's the kitchen.
- Oh!
181
00:08:08,214 --> 00:08:10,515
That's not our cat, that's
just some Spanish cat.
182
00:08:11,213 --> 00:08:15,475
That's our fire grill, or
parrilla, where we do our asados.
183
00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:17,162
That's Spanish for "special barbecue".
184
00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,576
Wow, really living the life of Riley.
185
00:08:19,611 --> 00:08:20,324
How's business?
186
00:08:20,371 --> 00:08:23,663
Well, my Spanish Uber idea hasn't got
off the ground yet for two reasons.
187
00:08:23,698 --> 00:08:25,574
The Spanish drivers are unbelievably lazy,
188
00:08:25,609 --> 00:08:27,914
and then, when they actually do show
up on time, people get angry with them.
189
00:08:27,950 --> 00:08:29,152
If you are on time for something in Spain,
190
00:08:29,187 --> 00:08:30,777
they look at you like
you have got two heads.
191
00:08:30,812 --> 00:08:33,213
Point is, it's a lazy culture
with no respect for time
192
00:08:33,278 --> 00:08:36,796
and you'd be better off going into
some kind of ham-based business.
193
00:08:36,848 --> 00:08:38,293
They always have time for ham.
194
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:40,276
But I'm going to be marketing
leather man-bags over here
195
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,886
that you get in Malaga for fuck all.
196
00:08:41,964 --> 00:08:43,813
They're cheap as chips
and they are great quality.
197
00:08:43,848 --> 00:08:46,900
Dad already bought one.
Dad, show us your man-bag.
198
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,285
- What?
- Your new bag, your leather satchel.
199
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,994
Oh, yeah. Here you go.
200
00:08:53,997 --> 00:08:55,355
See?
201
00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:57,871
- Wow.
- Do you want to buy one?
202
00:08:57,906 --> 00:09:00,682
That's your business?
Selling bags to me and Des?
203
00:09:00,717 --> 00:09:01,439
(SHARON SCOFFS)
204
00:09:01,517 --> 00:09:04,275
Very funny. I hear you're
heading back into Braeband.
205
00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:07,155
Christ, don't blow your brains
out. I thought you hated that place.
206
00:09:07,190 --> 00:09:08,875
You still owe me ?8,000.
207
00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:10,875
I'm going to get the tuna off the grill.
208
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,569
You all right, Sharon?
You look a bit distracted.
209
00:09:13,631 --> 00:09:15,435
Huh? No, fine.
210
00:09:15,599 --> 00:09:19,115
You guys should head
over to Spain for a break.
211
00:09:19,335 --> 00:09:22,400
- Get a bit of sun.
- We have to settle things back home first.
212
00:09:22,504 --> 00:09:24,029
We've put the house on the market.
213
00:09:24,108 --> 00:09:26,393
Your father was having a bit
of trouble with the stairs.
214
00:09:26,489 --> 00:09:28,253
We saw a bungalow in town.
215
00:09:28,339 --> 00:09:29,724
- What?
- Next door to
216
00:09:29,774 --> 00:09:32,318
Margaret Flynn's eldest daughter.
217
00:09:32,428 --> 00:09:33,502
Do you remember her?
218
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:36,219
Siobhan. She is divorced now.
219
00:09:36,266 --> 00:09:38,109
She's living with a
black fella from Germany.
220
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:41,035
Jesus. Why are you only
telling me this now?
221
00:09:41,108 --> 00:09:42,901
Well, Siobhan has only just told me.
222
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,217
Not... About moving!
223
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,866
You're terrible communicators.
224
00:09:46,946 --> 00:09:49,197
If you're having trouble, I'd like to help.
225
00:09:49,283 --> 00:09:52,515
- But you have to tell me.
- Well, we're not moving back here!
226
00:09:52,775 --> 00:09:54,734
I don't want to die in Walthamstow.
227
00:09:54,797 --> 00:09:57,355
You're not going to die,
and this isn't Walthamstow.
228
00:09:57,390 --> 00:09:58,987
Would you prefer to die in Spain, Dad?
229
00:09:59,050 --> 00:10:01,755
Well, it might be nice.
230
00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,013
Is there a phone here?
231
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,315
Yeah, yeah.
232
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:06,349
You can use mine. Who do you need to call?
233
00:10:06,384 --> 00:10:10,029
Let Carol know I won't be home for dinner.
234
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,942
She's a cranky old bitch when I'm late.
235
00:10:19,258 --> 00:10:22,117
Mum said from about
6:30, he's pretty useless.
236
00:10:22,152 --> 00:10:24,894
He's like a toddler now. It's bonkers.
237
00:10:24,929 --> 00:10:26,995
It's tough being away
with all this going on.
238
00:10:27,153 --> 00:10:29,517
I mean, what if something happens to Dad?
239
00:10:29,552 --> 00:10:31,647
Don't be stupid, nothing's
going to happen to him.
240
00:10:31,691 --> 00:10:33,741
And if it does, it'll
be a long, grim march.
241
00:10:33,776 --> 00:10:36,546
- A denouement.
- Ugh, No.
242
00:10:36,588 --> 00:10:40,149
- You're in a shit mood tonight.
- I know.
243
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:44,131
I've just found out I'm, like, 99% barren.
244
00:10:44,178 --> 00:10:46,811
- What?
- I started out with four million eggs,
245
00:10:46,866 --> 00:10:50,115
clutches of eggs, and now
there is, like, a handful.
246
00:10:50,235 --> 00:10:51,915
I'm just an old crone.
247
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:56,101
I should start figuring out if
I want to be buried or cremated.
248
00:10:56,187 --> 00:10:58,635
Well, I think that you should be buried,
249
00:10:58,670 --> 00:11:01,315
because I'd like to have
somewhere to go and visit you.
250
00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:04,395
Bring Frankie and Mirren,
sit down, play my lute...
251
00:11:04,612 --> 00:11:06,028
Who cares? No-one knows you're old.
252
00:11:06,094 --> 00:11:08,059
No-one can see your
egg pockets or whatever.
253
00:11:08,246 --> 00:11:09,955
We're lucky, genes-wise.
254
00:11:10,105 --> 00:11:11,744
No-one would believe Rob
and I are the same age.
255
00:11:11,786 --> 00:11:15,100
- He looks like shit.
- He doesn't look like shit!
256
00:11:15,193 --> 00:11:18,093
He's just a bit... heavier at the
moment, cos he's stressed out and
257
00:11:18,128 --> 00:11:20,583
he's eating a lot of
coffee-toffee ice cream, OK?
258
00:11:20,630 --> 00:11:22,230
Give him a break.
259
00:11:28,703 --> 00:11:31,298
- Come here.
- Oh, don't fuss!
260
00:11:31,347 --> 00:11:32,726
I'm just hugging you.
261
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:38,976
I'll call you when we get to Peg's.
262
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:40,139
Call me any time.
263
00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:42,284
I worry about you... and him.
264
00:11:51,456 --> 00:11:52,955
(SHARON GROANS)
265
00:11:52,990 --> 00:11:54,774
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
266
00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:57,779
Oh, God. Just getting so old.
267
00:11:57,814 --> 00:11:59,179
Everyone's getting old.
268
00:11:59,262 --> 00:12:01,896
Frankie wipes his own arse
now, my eggs are dead...
269
00:12:01,979 --> 00:12:03,969
Oh, honey, he doesn't...
OK, yeah, he wipes it,
270
00:12:04,036 --> 00:12:05,447
but he doesn't wipe it clean.
271
00:12:05,482 --> 00:12:07,127
He just wipes it around the place.
272
00:12:07,162 --> 00:12:08,991
I think I'm having a hot flush.
273
00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:11,233
You are not having a hot flush!
274
00:12:11,303 --> 00:12:13,381
It's probably just a panic attack.
275
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:18,030
You think that's OK, me
sticking around for a few days?
276
00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:24,210
This is really good.
277
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:27,615
- What is it?
- Meat.
278
00:12:27,650 --> 00:12:29,335
- I mean... I mean, beef.
- Mmm.
279
00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:31,592
- I thought so.
- I had to hone my culinary skills
280
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:32,566
when Chris left.
281
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:34,735
It's just me and Jamie Oliver now.
282
00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:38,455
I just popped it in the
slow cooker and voila!
283
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,803
- Viola what?
- Falls off the bone.
284
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,455
Hello, love. Can I get you anything?
285
00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:48,187
- No, thanks.
- Can you say hello to Sharon and Rob?
286
00:12:48,296 --> 00:12:49,975
- Hello.
- Hi, Jeffrey.
287
00:12:50,010 --> 00:12:52,198
- You've gotten tall.
- Before I forget...
288
00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:57,535
- For you.
- Oh, wow.
289
00:12:57,570 --> 00:12:59,263
- _
- When did this come out? I didn't see this.
290
00:12:59,298 --> 00:13:01,444
Well, it came out on DVD
same time as streaming.
291
00:13:01,483 --> 00:13:04,898
It didn't get a theatrical
release, because it's arthouse.
292
00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:07,615
Would you like Jeffrey
to autograph it for you?
293
00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:09,135
- Fran.
- For God's sake.
294
00:13:09,170 --> 00:13:11,575
I'm only saying what they're thinking.
295
00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:13,735
Are you working on anything
at the moment, Jeffrey?
296
00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:14,775
Not really.
297
00:13:14,810 --> 00:13:17,055
He's just wrapped in
Woody Allen's new film.
298
00:13:17,090 --> 00:13:20,255
Robert Duvall and Emma Watson
play star-crossed lovers in Vienna.
299
00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:22,055
I was worried, I won't lie.
300
00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:26,015
But they have on-set tutors
to, you know, keep an eye.
301
00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,815
Chaperones, you know.
302
00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:29,975
Right, well, what have
you got coming up next?
303
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,735
Nothing interesting.
Mostly just American shit.
304
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,292
- Right.
- Maybe if I had a pair of tits,
305
00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,175
I'd have a chance of
getting on Game Of Thrones.
306
00:13:37,210 --> 00:13:38,975
No Star Wars either.
307
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:41,670
They're only interested in women
now, which I think is great,
308
00:13:41,705 --> 00:13:44,667
but, you know, come on. Give it a rest!
309
00:13:47,972 --> 00:13:50,615
I just think he's not
being honest with himself.
310
00:13:50,650 --> 00:13:51,775
Or his hair.
311
00:13:51,810 --> 00:13:54,535
When I asked him why he
smelt of piss that night,
312
00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:58,570
he said you'd pissed on him,
which is bullshit, right?
313
00:13:58,809 --> 00:14:01,428
If you piss yourself the
first night back drinking,
314
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:03,471
then you've got a problem.
315
00:14:03,564 --> 00:14:05,337
The likelihood of that
being a one-time thing...
316
00:14:05,376 --> 00:14:07,464
I don't think this is working.
317
00:14:10,770 --> 00:14:13,822
Well, I have good news.
318
00:14:13,857 --> 00:14:15,455
(SHE INHALES SHARPLY)
319
00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:16,855
It is.
320
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:19,255
I-I was thinking about what you said.
321
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:20,695
About having a baby.
322
00:14:20,730 --> 00:14:21,815
Yeah.
323
00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:23,415
I'm not going to do that.
324
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:25,695
- You don't want kids?
- No, no, I do.
325
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:30,017
I mean, biologically and
psychologically, I want to be a dad.
326
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,986
Frankie made Rob a
paper boat the other day,
327
00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:37,666
and I mean, it was shitty, it sank, but...
328
00:14:37,705 --> 00:14:40,215
...I'd like a little
person to make me a boat.
329
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:43,225
Of course I would. But I know I shouldn't.
330
00:14:43,264 --> 00:14:45,935
My ingredients are bad.
331
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:47,335
How are they bad?
332
00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:48,735
You speak fluent Russian.
333
00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:50,615
I am not a good person.
334
00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:53,978
And I've met a lot of people
along the way who agree with me.
335
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:58,552
So I don't get the little boat.
336
00:14:58,650 --> 00:15:02,229
And so what? You don't
get everything you want.
337
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,055
I'm pregnant.
338
00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:08,685
That is wonderful news!
339
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:12,771
So, cut to the chase.
340
00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:17,730
We invited you here this evening to
showcase my slow cooker, obviously,
341
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:22,827
and to say that, well,
because of the divorce,
342
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:26,375
we have to do some estate planning.
343
00:15:26,481 --> 00:15:29,695
And we wanted to ask you
two if you would consider
344
00:15:29,810 --> 00:15:31,614
being legal guardians to Jeffrey.
345
00:15:31,696 --> 00:15:33,815
And look after him if
we die, if we both die.
346
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,102
Wow.
347
00:15:36,137 --> 00:15:37,255
Oh...
348
00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:39,335
Right, erm, wow.
349
00:15:39,370 --> 00:15:41,775
- Erm...
- OK.
350
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:44,015
Well, that's... that's a lot to take in.
351
00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:47,495
- Erm...
- I mean, may I ask, why us?
352
00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:50,262
- Because we love you, man.
- We couldn't agree on anyone else.
353
00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:55,415
Right. Well, I mean, that's
really flattering, right?
354
00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:59,196
Oh, yeah. I mean, you
know, for me, it's yes.
355
00:15:59,243 --> 00:16:01,575
I don't want to speak on
Sharon's behalf, but...
356
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,175
Right, yeah, I mean, for me, it's, erm...
357
00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:08,055
But I just think out of respect
for the question and for you guys,
358
00:16:08,090 --> 00:16:11,455
it's something, you know,
we should discuss at home.
359
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:12,775
Take your time.
360
00:16:12,810 --> 00:16:14,237
Not too long though!
361
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:19,264
- We thought you just wanted a foursome!
- (SHARON AND ROB LAUGH)
362
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:28,120
How about Fran puts on some tea,
363
00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:32,210
I have a piss and then we
come back and you say "yes"?
364
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:33,567
Well, we're not...
365
00:16:33,621 --> 00:16:36,740
We're not saying no. I think what
we're probably saying is that,
366
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:38,858
- you know, we just need time to...
- I'm home!
367
00:16:38,893 --> 00:16:41,295
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Is that Douglas?
368
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:42,380
You're early.
369
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:44,470
Yeah, I finished up early,
so I thought I'd pop back
370
00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:47,775
to see if the Warsaw Pact
was drawing to a close.
371
00:16:47,810 --> 00:16:51,810
(FRAN GIGGLES AND KISSES DOUGLAS LOUDLY)
372
00:16:57,370 --> 00:16:59,495
Oh, erm...
373
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:04,398
...this is Sharon and Rob, good
friends, and this is Douglas.
374
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:05,775
- Hi.
- Hi.
375
00:17:05,852 --> 00:17:08,113
Aloha.
376
00:17:08,176 --> 00:17:11,695
And Chris, this is Douglas.
(FRAN CLEARS HER THROAT)
377
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:14,415
Nice to meet you, Chris.
378
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,975
Oh...
379
00:17:16,010 --> 00:17:18,295
There you are.
380
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:21,815
There's some meat... er, beef, in
the slow cooker, if you are hungry.
381
00:17:21,886 --> 00:17:25,215
No, thanks. I'd like to
die with all my own teeth.
382
00:17:25,491 --> 00:17:26,549
(FRAN SCOFFS)
383
00:17:30,963 --> 00:17:34,421
- Have you seen this?
- Er, no, no. We just... just got it.
384
00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:42,269
So, where is the little luvvie?
385
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:46,695
We should maybe say yes,
386
00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:49,735
because are both of them going
to die in the next three years?
387
00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:53,215
No way. And then we'll have done
something wonderful for them,
388
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:57,421
so they'll let us stay at
their beach house, probably.
389
00:17:57,456 --> 00:18:00,904
Yeah, but what if she dies of
cancer and then he dies a year later
390
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:02,795
of a different kind of cancer?
391
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:05,045
Or if he gets hit by a rubbish truck?
392
00:18:05,107 --> 00:18:06,535
You know? Or what if he doesn't die?
393
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,495
What if he's just a vegetable?
Or has to live in an iron lung?
394
00:18:09,786 --> 00:18:11,500
I don't want to look after
Chris and Jeffrey.
395
00:18:11,554 --> 00:18:13,535
I mean, I love Chris, but...
396
00:18:13,642 --> 00:18:15,215
I don't want to have to wash his balls.
397
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:16,600
- Really?
- No!
398
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,640
Look, I'm just saying we
need to read the small print.
399
00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:20,495
What do we get? Yeah?
400
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:23,095
I mean, we know what they get,
they get their son taken care of,
401
00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:24,367
what do we get?
402
00:18:24,445 --> 00:18:25,495
Let's ask them.
403
00:18:25,530 --> 00:18:27,335
I mean, maybe we get their house.
404
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:30,415
You know, we'd have to maintain
Jeffrey's deluxe lifestyle...
405
00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:33,864
Yeah, because, like, what if
Daniel Radcliffe and Susan Sarandon
406
00:18:33,919 --> 00:18:36,175
want to come over? You
know, they can't come here.
407
00:18:36,229 --> 00:18:39,215
They should let us move into
their house, when they die.
408
00:18:39,343 --> 00:18:40,895
OK, so, we say we'll do it
409
00:18:41,058 --> 00:18:43,317
if they sign a contract giving us a sort of
410
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:46,455
posthumous dowry of their house?
411
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:48,255
Yeah, but just temporarily.
412
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:49,815
Until Jeffrey turns 18...
413
00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:50,935
Or 21.
414
00:18:51,169 --> 00:18:52,295
Jesus.
415
00:18:52,405 --> 00:18:55,575
- Talk about two birds with one stone.
- How do you mean?
416
00:18:55,610 --> 00:18:57,655
Well, you were worried about no eggs
417
00:18:57,747 --> 00:18:59,282
and now you're going to get an extra son
418
00:18:59,365 --> 00:19:01,692
and Susan Sarandon's
coming over for dinner.
419
00:19:04,205 --> 00:19:05,495
What?
420
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,415
What?! Why don't you say
something to make me feel better
421
00:19:09,450 --> 00:19:10,935
about my no eggs?
422
00:19:10,970 --> 00:19:13,111
What if you went to the
doctor and they were like,
423
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:15,589
"Oh, bad luck, you've no sperm left in you.
424
00:19:15,635 --> 00:19:18,255
"What you blow into your wife
from now on will just be...
425
00:19:18,318 --> 00:19:21,495
"you know, dead... glop."
426
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:23,375
I'd say, that's terrific!
427
00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:26,775
No, you wouldn't. And what if you
have the urge to make more babies.
428
00:19:26,856 --> 00:19:29,696
You know? What if your body's
like, "I need more babies!"
429
00:19:29,766 --> 00:19:32,135
And my eggless body can't
do it, and so you leave me?
430
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:36,095
Do you not listen to me? I would
love you more if you had no eggs.
431
00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:39,593
I want to be with you, our
current children and that's it.
432
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:42,975
I'm rotting, Rob.
433
00:19:43,050 --> 00:19:45,615
Me too, and that's fine!
434
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:49,650
Look, your body is slowly turning
off and that's upsetting to you,
435
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:51,495
but it's supposed to happen.
436
00:19:51,530 --> 00:19:53,264
And if it's any consolation,
437
00:19:53,319 --> 00:19:56,806
your pussy still tastes
and smells delicious.
438
00:19:56,884 --> 00:19:59,335
And not all of them do.
439
00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:01,524
Honestly, that really means a lot.
440
00:20:04,730 --> 00:20:06,815
What about Douglas, though?
441
00:20:06,850 --> 00:20:08,455
Holy shit!
442
00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:10,672
You can tell he sucks
right out of the gate.
443
00:20:10,707 --> 00:20:11,962
(SHARON CHUCKLES)
444
00:20:11,997 --> 00:20:13,295
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
445
00:20:13,419 --> 00:20:14,037
What?
446
00:20:14,126 --> 00:20:16,228
Can you give me a hand? I
can't get the printer working.
447
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,709
(SHARON SIGHS)
448
00:20:20,278 --> 00:20:22,255
What do you need fucking printing, anyway?
449
00:20:22,290 --> 00:20:23,234
Nothing.
450
00:20:24,116 --> 00:20:24,792
Huh?
451
00:20:24,854 --> 00:20:27,283
I don't need anything printed,
I just needed to talk to you.
452
00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:29,815
I've run away from Spain.
453
00:20:30,025 --> 00:20:30,852
What?
454
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,710
I want is to leave Spain and
if Mallandra won't come back,
455
00:20:32,745 --> 00:20:35,655
then I'm going to leave
Mallandra. She's horrible in Spain.
456
00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:38,815
She walks around naked now,
all comfortable with her body.
457
00:20:38,899 --> 00:20:40,507
Also, some of the lads
from the local canteen
458
00:20:40,568 --> 00:20:43,095
had took me to a bullfight and I fainted.
459
00:20:43,230 --> 00:20:46,540
So I'm pretty much
blacklisted now, socially.
460
00:20:46,575 --> 00:20:49,201
I just need to figure out a way to get
the girls out of the country legally.
461
00:20:51,930 --> 00:20:53,375
It's not funny.
462
00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:56,923
No, but... I mean, I can see
how it's not funny to you, but...
463
00:20:57,001 --> 00:20:58,924
Can you see how it's quite funny to me?
464
00:20:59,010 --> 00:21:00,735
- No.
- Well, look, you can't stay here.
465
00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:01,735
Where am I supposed to go?
466
00:21:01,789 --> 00:21:03,674
- Where did you say your girls were again?
- Spain!
467
00:21:03,802 --> 00:21:04,833
Well, there you go.
468
00:21:24,127 --> 00:21:25,375
_
469
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:26,851
Oh, shit.
470
00:21:41,048 --> 00:21:42,451
(DOORBELL RINGS)
471
00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:48,415
I think you know why I'm here.
472
00:21:49,211 --> 00:21:52,152
I'm here to bully you into
being a guardian for my kid.
473
00:21:52,238 --> 00:21:55,577
It's you guys or ape man Douglas
and I'd reanimate from the dead
474
00:21:55,639 --> 00:21:58,407
to stop that fucker ever
getting his mitts on him.
475
00:21:59,635 --> 00:22:02,674
Adopt my son when I die!
476
00:22:04,401 --> 00:22:07,442
Mate, I'm pretty sure I can smell
booze on you. Don't you not drink?
477
00:22:08,051 --> 00:22:10,182
I have the odd drink now.
478
00:22:10,307 --> 00:22:11,404
OK.
479
00:22:12,139 --> 00:22:13,560
Does Sharon know?
480
00:22:13,638 --> 00:22:16,294
I have the odd private drink.
481
00:22:16,380 --> 00:22:18,347
All right.
482
00:22:18,434 --> 00:22:20,519
- You want to talk about it?
- Not really.
483
00:22:20,570 --> 00:22:23,495
I mean, I didn't drink,
and now I slightly drink.
484
00:22:23,572 --> 00:22:27,175
But, look, you don't need to bully
me, we'll be guardians to your son.
485
00:22:27,210 --> 00:22:30,944
- There's just some fine print...
- No, you've got a lot on your plate.
486
00:22:30,999 --> 00:22:32,232
Let's park it.
487
00:22:32,279 --> 00:22:33,153
Why? That's...
488
00:22:33,235 --> 00:22:35,695
For a good few years you
told me you shouldn't drink
489
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:39,415
and I took your word for it. And...
490
00:22:39,450 --> 00:22:41,015
...now, you're drinking.
491
00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:43,735
Well, OK, but...
492
00:22:43,888 --> 00:22:45,855
- Look, can you...
- I won't tell Sharon.
493
00:22:45,937 --> 00:22:49,213
Someone will, though. It might
be a good idea if it was you.
494
00:22:52,090 --> 00:22:53,695
Hang on a second, Chris...
495
00:22:53,730 --> 00:22:56,335
Listen! I know what you're
thinking and I just want to say,
496
00:22:56,370 --> 00:22:59,584
I don't know if I had a
problem with booze itself,
497
00:22:59,619 --> 00:23:02,810
I mean, yeah, sure, I had
problems, can you trace it to booze?
498
00:23:02,845 --> 00:23:06,175
I mean, I'm not so sure. You
know, I was younger then...
499
00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:08,495
Oh, fuck! (ROB GROANS)
500
00:23:08,646 --> 00:23:14,003
Oh, this is... I twisted my ankle
a few weeks ago, so that's what...
501
00:23:14,074 --> 00:23:16,456
And it still... So that's what that was.
502
00:23:16,491 --> 00:23:20,552
I know it would be convenient for
your little theory, but I'm fine.
503
00:23:21,107 --> 00:23:22,928
I'm actually doing really well.
504
00:23:24,285 --> 00:23:25,507
Hi, Pearl.
505
00:23:30,761 --> 00:23:35,761
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
506
00:23:35,811 --> 00:23:40,361
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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