All language subtitles for Catastrophe s01e02.eng

Seriously you have to do it faster.

~ But I'm pregnant.
~ Did you just say pregnant? ~ Hi.

You've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

~ It's what we call a pre-cancer.
~ Cancer?

I think you should marry me.

What?

Oh, God! Hurry up!
I'm not going to come!

HE FARTS

~ Hi.
~ Hi.

Do you want to go for a walk?

Sure. Where do you want to go?

No, I mean, do you
want to go for a walk?

Oh. You mean, on my own?

Yeah. I don't want to be
mean. I just need some space

~ and you take up a lot of space.
~ Oh, yeah? ~ Yeah.

You're the second biggest thing
in this flat after the bed.

You're bigger than the wardrobe.

~ Well, that's because
your wardrobe is a joke. ~ It's not a joke.

It's roomy and practical.

If it's so roomy, then why are
my clothes still in my suitcase?

It's roomy for my stuff.

You let me put my
penis in your mouth,

but you won't let me put
my T-shirts in your drawer?

Please don't rush me, Rob.

OK, how long do you
want me to go out for?

Just, you know, you decide. Just
a couple of hours or half a day.

~ Not long.
~ So, I'll just go get some coffee.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, don't just
get a coffee and come back.

Maybe go and see a movie.

It's 8:30 in the morning.

Well, I don't know. Just improvise.
There's a whole world out there.

~ OK. Well, I'll get some groceries.
~ Yeah.

You're out of mint tea and those
weird raw food bars that you like.

~ So I'll just head out, then.
~ Take your time!

~ Get out of the way, you fucking
idiot! Fucking wanker! ~ Jesus!

What are you looking at?

A dog's shitting asshole.

PHONE RINGS

~ Hey, Mom.
~ Hey, baby. How you doing?

What time is it there? Are you OK?

Oh, yeah, it's 4am
and I couldn't sleep,

so I finally looked up
this thing on the internet

and you do not have to stay there,
it's a different country.

They can't extradite you for
failure to pay child support.

It's not like it's a war crime.
It's just a foreign baby.

It's not a foreign baby.
It's my baby. Your grandson.

I'm a dad, so I can, at the
very least, give it a shot.

Your father didn't.

Jesus, Mom, what does
that have to do with...?

PHONE BEEPS

Mom, I've got to go, it's a guy I was
trying to call. I will call you back.

Rob!

Fucker hung up on me.

~ Hey, Dave.
~ Rob Norris, you pant-shitting homo,

what's happening, man?
You live here now?

~ Yeah, yeah, for the time being.
~ Is it for work?

Well, it was at first but I kind
of wound up getting a girl pregnant.

~ Whoa, what? What? You mean like underage?
~ No.

~ Well, you said girl.
~ I meant woman. An adult woman.

A teacher.

~ My God, that fucking sucks, dude!
~ Not... Not really.

~ You need a job? You need money?
~ No. I have a job.

I'm calling because I
don't know anybody here.

Well, shit, man! Let's get together.
Your situation sounds fucking awful.

~ I'd love to hear more about it.
~ Well, great. Can I come over now?

No. I've got to go to the Ukraine
for business for a couple of days.

Let's do something when I get back.

~ Hey, you like the ballet?
~ Yeah, sure.

Fag! I'll call you when
I'm back from Odessa.

Oh, God.

~ I know I was only gone an hour...
~ 50 minutes.

.. but I bought you one of these.

It's bread, but it's all
wrapped up like a present,

and it only cost 17.50.

I love it.

And...

~ Ta-da!
~ Oh, that's so sweet.

I know, I'm selfless.

~ What are you doing?
~ Just being dainty.

You're squashing me.

Really? How? I'm just a sprite.

Well, no, really, seriously, you're
hurting my arm. Just get off.

OK, sorry.

In fact, it was such
a long and brutal war

that some people even resorted
to digging up bodies

and eating them just to stay alive.

Oh, you think that's funny? Well,
let's hope you never have to choose

between digging up your
grandmother and making a sandwich

or starving to death, Jason.

I think it's amazing
what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're just like, "Fuck it.
I'm single, I'm getting old

"and I'm just going to have this baby

"because I'm the boss of my life."

I'm not doing it on my own.

Rob asked me to marry him,
so I'm going to do that.

I thought it was just
a one night thing?

It was six nights. He
was a six night thing.

~ Why do you want to get married?
~ Because I'm pregnant.

If I got married every
time I got pregnant...

Do you know what I mean?
It's not the 1930s.

No, it's the 2000s. There's like
300 wars happening around the globe.

I might like someone to shovel
a path for me and my baby

in the nuclear winter.

Well, just don't rush into it.
Have you seen the new deputy head?

Tell me you don't want
to squat on his face?

If you're married you won't
be able to do that.

Yeah, I will. It'll just be harder.

Show us the ring, then.

Do you like it? I don't have one.

PHONE BEEPS

That was my friend. That was
just my friend Dave texting

to invite me over tonight.

Ah, you don't have any friends.

I've changed. I have friends
now. I'm putting down roots.

Who knows, your brother and I might
hit it off and be friends too.

We might be better than friends.
Be more like brothers.

Well, that would make you my brother.

Hey, love doesn't follow rules.

I don't love you.

Are you going to keep it?

Oh, I don't know? Are
you going to keep yours?

I've already invested in them.
They've got braces and stuff now.

They're worth money.

I hate to break it to you, Mr
Three Kids Before You're 30,

but they're a little bit harder
to make when you're old. Older.

You know, I can't just rip
it out and plant another one

back up there when the time's right.

Well, look, I'm just bowled over by
your whole new life here with Ron.

~ It's Rob.
~ Oh, sorry.

But I just want you to know,

if anything goes wrong and
you do succumb to the cancer,

your son will have a home here.

Millandra and I will raise him.

~ You're having a boy?
~ Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you are having
a boy! That's great!

~ We'll absolutely raise him in that case.
~ Well, don't get too excited.

~ He's just... He's winding you up.
~ So, Rob, are you working here?

Yes, I work for a US advertising firm
and I'm opening a London office.

A lot of our clients want an agency

that has a presence in
both the US and Europe.

~ Right. Right. Who are your clients?
~ Well, you know, it's not sexy stuff.

You might not know them by name,

~ but we have a giant farm equipment company.
~ Who else have you got?

Well, I've just started working
with a company called Jeff's Cola.

Oh, Jeff's Cola.

Fuck, Sharon. I think you
might be in trouble here,

it sounds like he's
making this shit up.

~ I know, it's a funny name but...
~ I'm just taking the piss.

So, Rob, you got my sister pregnant.

A lot of people get married
in that situation.

~ What are you thinking?
~ We are getting married.

Well, we're not.

We are getting married because
I asked Sharon to marry me.

Yeah, but not really.

You know, it was more sort of
jokey, you know, and a bit...

Anyway. Whatever.

Don't tell Mum and
Dad about any of this.

Are you joking? This
would kill them both.

One funeral at a time here.

CAR HORN BEEPS

~ That was for these.
~ Congratulations.

Why did you deny we were
getting married back there?

~ I didn't really, did I?
~ You did. You denied it repeatedly.

I don't know. I'm embarrassed.

~ By me?
~ No. Not by you, by me.

By my situation.

There's just no dignity to it.

It's like if a normal
courtship's a dance,

then ours is like a heart attack
or a seizure or something.

Our story sounds like a letter some
sad sack wrote in to Chat magazine.

I don't know what that is.

It's a shit rag that idiots,
and sometimes me, read

so they can say, "Well, thank fuck
that isn't happening to me."

Well, I get it. It's just that
when I asked you to marry me,

~ you said yes.
~ I said "Fine" and there was no ring.

~ I'll get you a ring.
~ I don't need a...

I'm just worried that we're doing
this because of the pregnancy

and the visas and the
not-cancer and that's it.

I mean, if you had any friends,
they would be advising you

not to jump into it like
this. I know mine have.

Seriously, has no-one told
you just to slow it down?

OK, well, let's slow it down.
We'll add some dignity to this.

Let's go to dinner Friday night.

We can go to a nice restaurant
and then go have sex in a park.

Does that sound nice?

And if one of us brings up pregnancy
or visas or pre-cancer or anything,

~ then the other one can punch
them in the face across the table. ~ OK.

Did you like my brother?

~ Did I like him?
~ Yeah.

No.

Rob Norris, you're unreal, man.

You're like an American
sex wolf in London.

You come over here, you fuck all
the women, you get them pregnant...

It's just one woman.

Yeah, for now it is.
You'll strike again.

You'd better watch this one, honey.

He'll get you pregnant just by
looking at you with his dick!

What's the matter with you?

~ Hey, you hungry? You want
some ice cream, some cookies? ~ No, thanks, I...

Svetsana, would you get some
of those cookies I made before?

You're going to love these,
man. They're gluten-free.

You'll think you'll taste
gluten but there isn't any.

Wow!

Now, have you thought about...

Killing Sharon? You know,
I thought about it...

No, I mean, getting rid of the...

Yeah, no, we're not going to do that.

Erm, actually, we're getting married.

Wow!

Have you asked her yet?

Well, yeah, I asked her, but
I've got to do it again cos...

Thank you.

.. the first time was kind
of seat of the pants

and I didn't have a ring, so...

Whoa, whoa... she's making
you propose twice?

~ No, she's not making me... I want to.
~ No, you don't.

Listen, after you leave,

I'm going to fuck her and
then she's going to leave...

and that's pretty great!

That is great...for you.

For me, a different thing is great.

OK, well, suit yourself.

But listen, if that's
what you want to do,

then at least don't waste
any money on the wedding.

You know, my outfit, we helped
to refinance Euro Disney,

I can get your honeymoon
there for free.

She'll shit! You said she's Irish?

She'll think she's in fucking heaven.

Oh, God, am I late? I thought...

No, no, I'm early.

I thought if I got
here early, they'd see

that I'm the kind of woman who
doesn't deserve pre-cancer.

~ That makes sense.
~ Yeah.

OK, so... I see you have
cervical dysplasia.

Well, we were hoping to get
a second opinion on that

~ because I've heard...
~ No, I'm sure you have it.

Erm... aren't you going
to have a look?

We will look, but... erm, that
doesn't really get misdiagnosed.

You have it or you don't.

It's not like ADHD or
fibromyalgia, which are

kind of like up to you
if have them or not.

It's a... No, it's a...
it's a real-deal thing.

Fibromyalgia isn't real?

Rob... the other doctor said that,
erm, I could have the procedure now

and jeopardise the pregnancy
or I could wait

and have it after I deliver.

OK, erm, well, then, I'm
glad you did come in, then,

because here's some good news.

The trauma of vaginal birth can
just blow all the cancer out

as the baby and, erm,
stuff comes out.

Baby and stuff?

Oh, yes, yeah... all kinds
of stuff comes out.

I mean, if you're lucky,
it's just the one baby

and some bad cells.

Could be triplets...
No, thanks, right?

The birth process does take, you
know, a proper scrubbing brush

to the old cervix and can
just remove all the...

creepy-crawlies, the dysplasia,
making surgery unnecessary.

Wow... OK.

So, I would strongly recommend
against the surgery,

since, you know, it
could induce labour

~ and we really do not want that do we?
~ No.

OK, erm... I mean, how
does that all sound?

That, erm, you know,
second-opiniony enough for you?

I'm not smoking it.

Fucking 250 quid that cost!

Well, I mean, he did say he
doesn't recommend surgery.

Yeah, he also said,

"Think of it like a spectre
hanging over your pregnancy."

What is that? The fucking occult?!
Like Rosemary's Baby?

No, he just meant like a
black cloud or something...

you know, out of a cauldron.

Christ, what a mess!
What a messy mess!

Yeah, it is.

You know, I think someone should
say, and it's going to be me.

You don't have to do this.

You know, you've been really kind

just coming over here and helping out

and I really appreciate it, but
it's not the 1930s... you know?

I can do this on my own.

I don't get the sense that you can.

Or, you know what,
you probably could.

Women raise kids on their
own all the time.

But what about when you want
to take a shit or get a haircut?

And independent of that, can you,
for a second, accept the fact that

I like you and want to be
with you, you fucking idiot?

Well, thank fuck for that, because
I really can't do this on my own.

I really can't! I can tell
you now, I cannot do this.

~ Plus, we're going to do our date.
~ You're goddamn right we are!

OK, well, text me the details.

Going to go and teach some
kids about the plague.

~ What are you doing?
~ Same.

Please, don't embarrass either
of us by asking for permission to

marry my sister.

OK, I just wanted to let you
know that I'm serious about this

~ and it's not just because
I got her pregnant. ~ I'm not blind, man.

I saw the way you were looking
at her - you're fucked!

~ Your cappuccino.
~ Oh, thank you.

Why are you having a cappuccino
in a jewellery shop?

Well, I think because I'm
potentially about to spend

a bit of dough here. They're
trying to butter me up.

This was the last one
we were looking at.

~ Yes, I think this is the one.
~ It's a beautiful ring.

If you'd like to follow
me, Mr Norris.

Marie will bring your cappuccino.

How much is that fucking thing?!

It's ?2,000...almost. It's
a lot but I want to do this.

~ May I get you a glass of wine?
~ No, you may not.

Looking at countries,
cities, population...

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Anyone that comes up with
flags gets an extra point.

~ Hi, yeah, there's going to
be a fire drill in ten minutes. ~ OK.

~ Are you OK?
~ Yeah.

No, I just... I was just thinking
about what you said the other day,

and I can't do this on
my own. I do need a man.

~ Can we maybe just...
~ And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist.

OK, I just need a person to help me

and the person who wants to
help me happens to be a man.

I don't care if it's the 2000s.

I got home last night and
he'd made me a frittata.

Do you know what that is? It's an
eggs thing. It was extremely tasty,

and if that's the kind
of behaviour I can expect

~ then I definitely want him around... OK?
~ OK.

OK, I'll let you get on.

Any weekend plans?

Well, aside from asking my
fiancee to marry me again,

erm, I don't know.

You know, we might go to the park.

We were thinking we might...
wait, what does that say?

Well, it says ?25,000.

OK, is that tax or...?
What's going on?

Well, the ring is ?25,000.

No, no, no, no. On the tag
it said 1980, which is less.

Marie, will you bring the
ring from the first drawer,

the Jill Solomon band.

Any weekend plans?

You know, the rings are so
close together in the case.

I'm not saying that you tried
to trick me or... OK, yeah,

I see the mistake. This
is a classier ring.

I mean, this is petiter, this
is more Sharon, don't you think?

I like the other ring, you
know, but I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to say.
I mean, this is more vulgar.

You know, I like the clarity
of the stones, right?

But this is... You
can see where this is.

If you put them side by side,
it's not even a contest.

Yeah, this... I'm going
to go with this one.

~ Hey, Mom.
~ Listen to me.

Susan Greenberg's husband,
Mitchell, he's a custody lawyer

and he says what you absolutely
cannot do is marry this girl.

The UK and the US, they have
this agreement, which is called

"the reciprocal enforcement".

~ I can't hear you, I'm going into a tunnel.
~ 'Oh, come on!'

You're going to ruin your life...

fucker!

LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER

~ Hey.
~ Oh, hi.

~ I'm sorry I'm late.
~ Did you say "sorry"?

It's just I can't hear
myself fart in here.

My friend Dave said this
was his favourite place

for an intimate dinner.

Really? I never want
to ever meet him!

There's a balcony where you can
get a 360-degree view of the city.

~ Sorry, sorry, can you just, erm...
~ What?

~ You just spilt my wine.
~ You want another wine?

No... no, just maybe mop it up
or say "oops" or smile at me?

I can't hear what you're saying.
Are you ready to order?

~ Can I get a coke?
~ These tables are for food.

Yep, and we're going to eat food,
after we have our drinks.

I should probably tell you
I also got her pregnant.

~ That's why she's acting that way.
~ Swedish whore.

She's just upset because she's 6'8"

and a bunch of guys have already
tried to climb her tonight.

SHE LAUGHS

Good. I'm glad!

Your boobs look huge in that dress!

If you'd had those when we met,

~ I would have got you double pregnant.
~ Thank you.

Listen, if I play my
cards right tonight,

would you consider
smothering me with them?

Well, you know, it's not out
of the question, I suppose.

~ We should head up to that balcony...
~ Bobby, baby!

Did I tell you this place
was the shit or what?

What, what is... what is that?

That is Dave. Hey, Dave,
why are you here?

Well, I wanted to meet this little
English enchantress of yours.

~ Irish.
~ Oh, sorry, British.

I'm just fucking with you.
Do you mind if we join you?

Have you tried the chilli margaritas?

Let me get Anico. Anico, come on!

And Rob had his shirt on but
no bottom and no underpants...

and the girl who was on
his shoulders was naked.

Oh, this is before Rob decided he had
alcoholism when he was still fun.

I'm just going to, erm,
go to the bathroom.

So, erm, Dave if you're gone when
I get back, nice to meet you.

~ Nice to meet you...
~ Elithra. ~ That's fantastic.

She is something!

Can we have two more of these?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Oh, where are you going?

I'm going to just... I'll...
I'll be right back.

I'm going home.

You can't go. I wanted to
show you the view because...

No, no, I don't want to go back
in there. I just want to go home.

Please, I'm sorry.

~ OK, let's get out of here.
~ Yeah?

You know, he visibly had cocaine
around both his nostrils?

Where are we going? I don't want
to walk. The Tube's back there!

Listen, I'm sorry that tonight
has turned to shit...

~ RAUCOUS SINGING
~ What?

.. but I wanted to... I wanted to...

WOMAN URINATES

Do you mind?! I wanted to
propose to you properly.

Oh, look, it's one of those taxi guys

~ Fuck! Jesus Christ!
~ What are you doing? ~ Shut up!

I just need you to just stand
over there, quiet, for a moment.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Oh, thank Christ!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Hey, mental person, are we
getting in with this guy or...

~ What is that?
~ It's a ring. It's an engagement ring.

I wanted to propose to you properly
at the restaurant with a view,

a 360-degree view, and
then here by the river.

Then you knocked the ring
in the road like an animal

and then this woman pissed on it.

You can ask me now.

Well, I don't want to now.

OK. What about now?

Will you marry me?

Fine.

Yes.

~ No, don't do that. There's piss on it.
~ Shit, I'm sorry.

Hang on, wait, give us a look.

It's pretty.

Well, you know, I narrowed
it down to two,

but the other one was, you know,
was more vulgar, it was stupid.

This one's... You know, it's petiter.

Whoa, let me wipe it off first.

No, don't be silly. It's
just a bit of piss.

I love it!

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