All language subtitles for Brockmire s01e03 Kangaroo Court.eng

(announcer) Previously, on "Brockmire."

Ten years ago, your
breakdown in the booth

and press conference were
like the original viral videos.

Who am I broadcasting to?

You'll be doing exclusive play-by-play

to the stadium.

I'm the P.A. announcer?

Here comes the pitch... (grunting)

Well, that was nothin'
if not predictable.

You're starting to look good to me,
and you're a goddamn disaster.

A surprise finger in the keister!

And Brockmire is into it.

You think I'm ever gonna
be remembered for anything

except for the worst moments of my life?

You're "Brutal Brockmire"
till the day you die.

Jim: "Fun fact, Butterman
is"... That's not a fun fact.

Jenny, we got to watch these cards.

Sip.

[Knock on door]

Yeah?

Robbie: [Sighs] We need to talk.

Um, all right.

Let's, uh, take a quick break.

Give us the room, please, ladies.

[Clears throat]

No, I don't want one.

Uh, if we're about to have the
conversation I think we are,

you're gonna want one.

So, you've seen the pictures?

I have not.

Robbie: Look, they're
blowing it out of proportion.

It was just a Halloween costume.

Six years broadcasting
with you in this booth

and they want to kick me to the curb

over some goofy pictures?

"Goofy pictures"?

You're in goddamn lingerie

kissing a woman dressed as a man.

Robbie, that's Kansas City out there,

not "Caba-goddamn-ret."

So, you have seen them?

Well, of course I've seen
them. Everybody's seen them.

And why'd you have to be so
goddamn attractive in them,

especially after 9/11?

What's 9/11 have to do with anything?

9/11 has to do with everything.
People are still fragile.

They can't handle the confusing feelings

brought on by the combination
of your delicate features

and muscular build.

I know I couldn't.

[Sighs] Look, I'm swallowing my pride,

and I'm asking you for help.

Because... frankly,

you have an insane amount of power.

And with one word, you can save me.

Come on, Jim.

A broadcast team is still a team.

[Sighs]

Look, Robbie, you're
too late, all right?

- It's already been done.
- [Sighs]

[Sighs] Who's my replacement?

Well [sighs] you're looking at him.

Robbie, they offered
me a one-man booth.

I mean, can you believe it?

I mean, Red Barber, Vince Scully,

and now Jim Brockmire.

I just... I can't get over it.

[Sighs] Look, friend,
this'll all blow over soon.

You'll be fine.

Few years from now, they're
gonna invite you back

for Old Timers Day.

It'll be like none
of this ever happened.

Look, I-I just... I want to
thank you for everything...

Vince Scully is a legend.

You're a deep voice in a cheap suit.

People will learn that eventually.

The real you is too
ugly to hide forever.

Jim: Now, just relax.

The break between a double header
is the best time in baseball.

It's that perfect blend of postgame high

and pregame jitters.

It's known as the
broadcaster's speed ball.

[Sniffles] Okay, the only thing dumber

than playing two
boring-ass baseball games

in one day is putting a two-hour delay

in between the boring-ass games.

[Scoffs] You just have to use the time

to contemplate the more
important things in life,

like rye whisky, for example.

This is the first American...
Hey, pay attention.

... first American booze
made by the colonists

when rum started to become scarce.

Rye whisky has a quiet dignity about it.

Please, stop. Stop it.

I watch you get drunk all day every day.

Yeah, I just can't bear
to hear you describe it.

Can we maybe try to have a conversation?

[Inhales deeply] Okay.

Um, well, do you have
any questions for me?

No. I already know everything about you.

You've literally never asked
me a question about myself.

Oh, come on. That's not true.

Just yesterday I asked you...

I asked you if my breath
still smelled like vomit.

All right, no, point taken. Point taken.

[Indistinct conversations]

_

_

_

_

Hey.

Make sure and translate
what I'm about to say.

- It's important.
- For the last time,

I am not his translator.

I am a reporter... hm...
Assigned to cover him.

Whatever, man. Just
help me out here, okay?

- Fine, fine, fine.
- Hey, yo, listen up!

[Can clinking]

Hey, since we got to kill sometime today

before the second game
of the double header,

I thought we should do
our first kangaroo court

of the year, baby.

[Cheers and applause]

This is for the new guys.
This is how the Frackers do it.

You accuse someone of an offense.

They argue their case, and then we vote.

Hey. You getting all this?

Uh, yes, yes. Hey, Yoshi.

_

- Ah?
- "Ah."

Exactly.

If they are guilty, they
pay the fine into the kitty.

Now, remember, the kitty is for the beer

and the porn website
passwords we share, so pay up!

- [Cheers and applause]
- Pay up!

Hey, who wants to start?

- Me! Me!
- Right here! Right here!

Hey, hey!

Elton missed a bunt sign last week.

- Ooh!
- A-At Slippery Rock?

I thought Coach gave me the swing away.

[Laughter]

Hey, what says the room?

All: Guilty!

Hey! I'd like to accuse Elton again.

What's the offense?

Just, like, being a whiny little bitch.

[Laughter]

[Voice cracks] What are you
guys even talking about?!

[Laughter] Guilty!

- Guilty!
- [Whistles] I have someone.

I accuse el hijo de la porra, "Ooshi."

[Men groan, murmur]

"Unchi da."

"It's Yoshi."

"Unchi."

- Ooh.
- Oh.

Oh!

- I know what I always meant to ask you.
- Okay.

Why do you work for a baseball team

when you are so defiantly
ignorant about the game?

This team is the only thing
that makes our town special.

I plan on getting some experience here,

then moving to New York
to finally start my life.

Sounds like a decent plan for you.

You'd probably do pretty well in Chelsea

if you just bulk up a little bit.

You know, 'cause right now
you got the delicate frame

of a twink, but you don't
quite have the temperament.

Um...

What?

I say you have the
delicate frame of a twink...

No, I-I heard you.

I just...

I'm not gay, Brockmire.

And why would you think that I am?

'Cause I never seen you with a girl,

you're uncomfortable in your own skin,

and you tend to hug the
walls when you're in public.

See, what you just described
is a socially awkward nerd.

That's who I am.

I panic around girls and crowds

and people I don't know.

All right, but I also used your computer

to look up some naked
photos of Ann-Margret...

- Okay, wow!
- ... and I discovered

what you called your
"inspiration" folder,

which is really just a bunch of pictures

of handsome men in
various states of dress.

What you found was my
fashion inspiration folder.

Okay, did you wonder

why 90% of those photos
were just of shoes?

I just figured that was some
kind of a gay black thing.

[Door bangs]

[Breathing heavily] I
need your language skills.

Locker room is about to explode.

I mean, they were speaking
Japanese and Spanish so fast

I could barely understand
what they were saying.

I've seen my fair share
of kangaroo courts,

but I've never seen anything like this.

It's all gonna be fine.

It's just the locker room's
way of cleansing itself.

It all gets worked out...

[Players shouting indistinctly]

Yep.

[Shouting continues]

- [Players shouting]
- Whoa! Whoa!

Please, just tranquillo, all right?

And you guys, uh... [speaks Japanese]

Nobody do anything.

[Indistinct conversations]
All right, so, here's the deal.

Um, the Latin players
all have Uribe's back,

but the pitchers all support Yoshi.

All right, but this is
okay. This is just...

This is the way the locker
room cleanses itself.

Oh, no, no, no.

No matter how this thing shakes out,

one half of this locker room is
not gonna play with the other,

so, no, this is a doozy of
a pickle of a shit storm.

Anyhoos, best of luck to you.

Wait a minute.

For some reason, our attendance
is back in the crapper.

We can't alienate the
rest of the fans we have

by canceling the second game.

You have to fix this.

I do? Me? Why me?

I-I'm the P.A. announcer.

'Cause nobody else in town speaks both
Spanish and Japanese, and you know,

Yoshi's translator's
gotten really uppity lately.

You know, I know I
could help, but why would I?

Hey, that... No, that's
your team, not mine.

[Chuckles] You have
something better to do?

I do, actually.

- I was "pontifidrinking"... Right now?
- You have somewhere to be?

- Okay, how about you help me...
- which is a portmanteau of "pontificating"

... because last night
when you knocked on my door

at 3:00 in the morning high on speed

begging me to be your girlfriend...

Whoa, whoa, hey. [Stammers]

Just because I don't want
to wear a condom anymore

does not make me your boyfriend.

There was an implicit agreement
that you would give back

- as much as I'm giving.
- What are you talking about?

I've been going down
on you so much lately

I put your pussy down
as my forwarding address.

I'm not talking about
giving back sexually,

because that should just stay
the same or increase if possible.

I'm talking about a favor.

- [Shouting continues]
- Jules: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Whistles, shouting stops]

I'm gonna bring Jim in.

He's gonna help us figure this out. Jim?

[Sighs]

All right, look...

We all want justice here.

Justice will be if the
richest guy on the team

pays a $100 fine.

- [Shouts in Spanish]
- [Players shouting indistinctly

[Speaks Japanese]

[Speaking Japanese]

"If you're looking to blame somebody"

for your injuries, perhaps
you should not stand

"so close on top of the plate."

- [Scoffs]
- [Players converse indistinctly]

"You penis biter."

[Players shouting indistinctly]

Whoa!

[Chuckling] Guys.

Look, it's obvious that some kind

of a bush-league kangaroo
court is not gonna settle this.

So, instead we're gonna do a
Major League kangaroo court.

That's actually not
a bad idea. All right.

Major League kangaroo court...
So, that means evidence,

witnesses, the whole shebang.

Now, Uribe's gonna be
the prosecutor, all right?

I will be the defense attorney.

Now, we need a judge...
Somebody who is impartial

who's not caught up in
all of this baseball drama.

Yo, Drake and Taylor Swift are dating!

Albums, y'all!

What's going on?

Charles: What is this
trial even about, though?

Uribe wanted Yoshi to throw a pitch

and hit a batter on the other team.

Oh.

Well, that's easy. Uribe's guilty.

- Mnh, no.
- No.

That's a... That's a
standard baseball request.

Yoshi's on trial 'cause he didn't do it.

Baseball is a [bleep] up sport,
and I want you to know it.

- Charles: Hey.
- [Baseball bat clacks]

- Every...
- [Baseball bat clacking]

- Everyone.
- [Clears throat]

Um, uh, Mr. Uribe,

do you have any
evidence you'd like to...

Oh, s?.

[Speaks Spanish]

[Clears throat]

[All gasp, wince]

- Oh!
- Ooh.

- [Groans]
- [Speaks Japanese]

- [Scoffs]
- Oh, damn.

Okay.

Okay.

"Rawlings" is spelled out
backwards inside the bruise.

Yep, that's a baseball right there.

That's horrifying.

S?. Verdad.

I call my witness...

Ryan Stanton.

Uribe: Mr. Stanton,

What did I tell you

after ratreria's pitch hit Uribe?

You told me to tell Yoshi to hurt him...

Then some Dominican gibberish.

- But you understood what I meant.
- Yeah.

You wanted payback.

Exactamente!

Payback...

So, did you give him my message?

I made sure it was told.

[Scoffs]

No more preguntas.

Yoshi...

_

_

_

_

_

_

All right. [Clears throat]

Um, Mr. Stanton...

so you... you didn't
tell Yoshi yourself?

I told Coach Pompom
to give him the word,

then I watched Coach Pompom
go over there and tell him.

You watched him, but did
you hear what he said?

No.

Okay, so your testimony is that
you don't really know anything.

I assumed...

Whoa, knowledge and assumptions,

those are like Loggins and Messina.

They seem similar, but time proves

one of them to be completely worthless.

Gentlemen, a moment.

Jules: Probably just a misunderstanding.

Yeah, Pompom must've called an audible

and he didn't tell Yoshi
to throw at anybody.

We just got to get Pompom to testify,

and, boom, everybody's happy.

Yeah, the only problem
is Pompom ran out of here,

and I have no idea where he is.

Well, knowing Pompom, he's probably

out doing something weirder than shit.

All right, I'm gonna go try to find

whatever rock he crawled under.

Can you stall?

Some would argue that's
what I do for a living.

[Cheering]

You guys seen Pompom? Anybody?

Guys? Have you seen Pompom?

Julia James... How's my favorite owner?

Uh, not great, Gary. Not great.

Attendance was really light today,

and now I see why.

Can't compete with free money.

Yeah, we're just doing
a little positive P.R.

for Pennsylvania Shale.

We got to coordinate on
this kind of thing, though,

'cause weekend ticket sales make my nut.

Oh, sorry about that.

This one came up kind of fast, you know?

Two or three puppies
were born without legs,

and everybody plays the blame game.

That's really my job at Pennsylvania
Shale, you know, to put out fires.

Oh, you guys gonna finally put
out that fire on Euclid Avenue?

Metaphorical fires...
The literal fire on Euclid

will be burning long after
we've left this earth.

What the shit?

There's one of these events scheduled

for every Frackers home game.

Hm.

I don't have the
schedule in front of me,

so I'm gonna have to
take your word on that.

Jesus Christ, you goddamn piece of shit!

Pennsylvania Shale's
trying to ruin the season,

and you're helping them!

Jules, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Hey, guess what!

You don't know who you're messing with!

I'm gonna Lucy them
right in their asses!

Pompom!

- Hm? Hi, Ms. James.
- We got to go.

This way.

- Jules: Yeah, let's hustle, okay?
- All right.

We don't want the kittens
to come out of the basket.

So, why did Hitler invade Russia

and voluntarily start
a war on two fronts?

Well, he was still basically
the same reckless man

from the Beer Hall Putsch in 1923.

He let impatience overwhelm strategy.

Oh, um, anywhoodles, the point is this.

If you're gonna chew tobacco,

don't let it get all over the floor.
That's what Hitler would've done.

Uh, quick side bar, then I'm
gonna call my final witness.

[Men murmur]

What? What's the matter with you?

No, nothing... just
Pennsylvania Shale's trying

to destroy me, and also Gary's evil.

So, go ahead and gloat.
You were right about him.

Oh, no, no, now, you
think I'm the kind of guy

that likes to say, "I told you so,"

but that's not true.

I love to say it, and I will be doing so

in the days and months
ahead at random moments

when you least expect it.

We got 20 minutes till the next game.

Can we wrap this up, please?

- All right, a quick question...
- Yeah.

When you and Pompom were walking back,

did you talk at all
about how I told you so?

And it begins.

All right, I call Pompom.

[Groans]

All right, Stanton has
testified that he thought

you told Yoshi to bean the pitcher.

But what did you actually say?

I told Yoshi to bean the pitcher.

Mm. [Spits]

Then, I said if he didn't,

he might permanently
alienate his teammates.

Now, I remember it
well because there was

a middle-aged woman
slowly eating a corn dog

in the stands behind him, and
I filed the whole thing away

in my spank bank.

- Compelling testimony.
- [Speaks Japanese]

Jim: Look, he says
that that conversation,

it never happened.

Well, then, Szechuan Sam is lying.

[Speaks Japanese]

[Speaks Japanese]

[Shouts in Japanese]

Yoshi says that he refuses to play

for any team that calls him a liar.

_

_

_

[Shouts in Japanese]

- Yoshi, he quits.
- Yoshi! Yoshi!

Jules: Yoshi, we can work something out!

Jim: Oh, boy. [Sighs]

Your best player leaving on the same day

that a billion-dollar
company declares war on you.

That has got to be a
kick in the kitty cat.

I think the important thing
here is, though, that I helped.

Why is that important?

Because I didn't have to.

I just don't get how
Pompom and Yoshi can have

such wildly different versions
of the same exact conversation.

I mean, it was just the two of them.

Wait, the... The three of them,

because the translator
had to be there, right?

Oh!

Oh, shit! Wait.

Did I just solve it?

I think that you did, yeah.

I knew it. I knew I solved it.

Look at me on my "Law
& Order: SVU" type shit.

Just set me up, and
I knocked it out like,

- "These are their stories."
- [Chuckles] Yeah, very nice.

But for the record,
when I tell this story,

I'm gonna be the one that solves it.

It's just it's gonna
flow better that way.

Hey, hey, cut the bull...
Hey! Cut the bullshit.

Why are you trying to take
away Yoshi's last chance?

I had to get him to quit.

I cannot live here.

Just 10 minutes ago, I
saw a child who was so fat

that he could not get up off his back.

H-He look like a-a tortoise.

Holy shit, is that kid still there?

Oh, yeah. [Speaks Japanese]

You didn't try to help him
up either, huh? [Scoffs]

Oh, no, ugh. H-He looked very sticky.

- [Speaks Japanese]
- Hai, hai.

- Among other things.
- _

[Both chuckle]

Look, I know you feel the
same as I do about this town.

Every game, I listen to you get drunk

to deal with the reality
that you are trapped

here in this place.

No, no, I just have a
drinking problem, friend.

But you're not wrong. This town is...

a gaping shit hole.

So...

So, why do you care what happens here?

And that was the moment
that I realized that I cared.

Why did I care?

Because I was finally part of a team.

I didn't mean to join it, but, you know,

when you care about one
person, then you start to care

about who they care about,
and on and on that goes

until you look around
one day and you realize

that there's a group of people
you'd actually fight for,

and that goes for
everybody in this room.

We are all part of a team.

Look, I live my life very selfishly.

The last teammate I had, I betrayed him.

Why?

Because of ambition and my own
very narrow-minded views on sex.

But with age and experience,
I've come to realize, fellas,

that sexuality is...

Well, it's really more of a spectrum.

Yes, it is. No, it is.

Guys, one time when I was in Estonia...

- [All groaning]
- No, no, no, just stay with me on this.

I was hiking through the
forest, and I came upon

what must've been a
cruising spot for gay men.

In the center of this clearing was

what could best be described as...

Well, it was a [bleep] stump...

Ohh! ... worn smooth from years
of casual anonymous encounters.

- That is enough of that!
- Guys... guys after guys...

All right, we are already
10 minutes late for warm ups.

Let's get on the field!

[Cheers and applause]

Man: Let's go! Come on now!

Yoshi, my friend, are you joining us?

Ah.

_

_

_

_

- Yeah, he's real happy to be here.
- Ah!

Look, the truth is I speak Japanese

at a third-grade level,
so you're gonna have

- to get somebody else to translate.
- That's okay.

I am just so glad
something finally broke

my way today and
everything got resolved.

- All right.
- Uribe: No, no, no, no, Miss Jules.

Mnh-mnh.[Sniffles]

What can I do for you, my friend?

I still don't have payback
for the Summerville pitcher.

I actually have an idea about that.

[Chuckles]

Now, your mom didn't say
it was an emergency exactly,

but it did sound kind of important.

So, just go straight back
there. You'll see a phone.

Straight back. Keep going.

[Door slams]

Yoshi Takatsu? I am a big fan.

- Whoa!
- [Punches landing, grunting]

[Laughs]

- Charles.
- Mm-hmm?

I just want to say I'm sorry
if I went a little overboard

on all of that gay stuff, you know?

The truth is everybody in your
generation seems gay to me.

- [Grunting, crash, glass shatters]
- But I want you to know...

[Chuckling] Ooh!

- I want you to know, Charles...
- Hm?

... that whatever you become, I
think it's gonna be really special.

You know why? 'Cause you're smart

and you don't take any shit,
son... Young man: Hey, whoa!

... and that's exactly
what you need to navigate

the cold chaos of this world.

- [Punch lands]
- Aah!

Aaah!

T-Thank you.

You're killing me!

Thank you!

- "Ooshi," no! [Shouting in Spanish]
- We should... We should... Let's...

Let's... Yeah. Let's get
out of here. Hurry up.

You know, this whole thing
has showed me that you and I,

w-we're kind of a team, too.

We're kind of like...

We're kind of like
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yeah, I know, Jim.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

How long have you known that?

Mm...

when I stopped paying
for your hotel room

'cause you were sleeping
at my apartment every night.

So, wait. A-Are we living together?

[Chuckles]

If it offends your
delicate sensibilities,

you can tell yourself you're squatting.

I need a beer.

- I'll grab you one.
- No, that's all right.

Dale!

[Chuckles]

Goddamn, you are beautiful.

Lucy?

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