Original subtitles

"Stephanie and Todd invite you to a dinner party at Todd's place.

Couples only." Shawn, that's discrimination.

It leaves out a lot of people who have committed themselves to the single life.

People like you and me.

Huh?

People like me.

Remember in health class, that section on the movement of blood?

I understand it now.

Fine, bail on your best friend.

Cory, just ask a girl and you can go too.

Look, there's Wendy. You know her, you like her...

Ask her to be your girlfriend.

Just for the party? That's not right.

It is right. You're supposed to do that.

You're thinking too much. Do what I do - don't think.

- Wendy? Hi! - Oh, hi, Cory.

Listen, Stephanie and Todd are having this party and...

I was wondering if you'd like to go with me?

Well, Cory, this invitation says "couples only."

Oh, that. Well, if we went to the party together, then we'd be a couple.

I think you're just looking for a date.

- No, I'd really like to go with you. - So you want to be a couple with me?

Sure.

- You do? - Yeah, I do.

I do too. This is wonderful, Cory.

- Is it OK if I go tell my friends? - Sure, and I'll tell all of mine.

Shawn!

Hey, look at me, I'm a couple.

Look at me, I'm alone.

And you will be until theses grades come up.

Until I see some letters closer to the front of the alphabet,

you're not going out on any more dates.

Mom... Mommy...

Oh, Alan, how can you be so cruel to my sweet little baby?

Well, it was your idea.

Eric, you can't rely on your looks to get you through life.

But all I want to be is a weatherman.

Look, you guys made a valid point about my grades.

I'd like the opportunity to present a compelling counter-argument

- you may not have considered. - Go ahead.

Don't take away my girls!

- Cory! - Oh, Wendy. Hi!

Cory, I wanted to tell you that spending time with you this week...

- well, has been the best week of my life. - Mine too.

- See ya. - Oh! Wait, silly, dilly.

I wanted to ask you... Where you gonna be this summer?

Ah, this summer? I don't know, it's so far off. Why?

Well, since we're a couple, I was looking forward to spending the summer together.

Well, why don't we wait and see how the spring goes first.

OK. You know, spring is when love blooms.

I did not know that. Thank you.

(bell rings)

Oh, listen, Wendy, can we talk about this later?

- I've got... - Chemistry.

Yeah. Boy, you know my schedule better than me.

You're so cute.

And now, straighten your collar and off you go.

Cory...

Didn't you forget something?

No, goose... Kiss, kiss.

Mr. Turner, remember, mid-term grades are due next Friday.

I thought I'd give everybody A's.

That way the parents are happy, the kids are happy- nobody gets hurt.

Hurt them.

You know, I was a bit of a squash player in my day.

I'm sure you were. What does that have to do with racquetball?

Oh, of course.

My goodness. I guess I'm out of touch with current recreational sports.

No, actually, from what I've seen on old engravings on the History Channel,

squash and racquetball are really quite similar.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Same basic principle? - Oh, yeah.

I'm sure an old squash player like yourself would pick it up in no time.

I'd certainly like to get in step with the times.

I'm playing a friend today,

how about tomorrow I take you out and show you how?

That would give you enough time to get a doctor's note.

You're a funny guy.

You think there's room on the court for my respirator?

What a chump.

Hi, Eric.

- Eric, it's me. Lori. - I know who it is.

- Be kind and move on. - My parents are out of town.

- (squeals) - And I've been having trouble

- adjusting the temperature on my hot tub. - (squeals)

I thought maybe you could come over and help me get the heat up.

Lori, if you had any feelings for me, go home, get ugly.

OK, I'll ask Phil.

Lockerheadman, I heard your signal and came as quickly as I could.

I'm going nuts. The more I try to study, the more I think about girls.

Look at this. History, perfect example. Look at this...

Queen Victoria... Catherine the Great, Madame Curie...

Are they yummy or what?

Yummy!

Oh, and who is this raven-haired beauty?

That's Leonardo da Vinci.

Stop that, you're scaring me.

Come here.

I happen to know of a parentally acceptable,

highly satisfying dating substitute.

There's no such thing.

- Fine. - Help me!

A haircut. That's your girl substitute?

So if I was starving, would you buy me pants?

Thank you. But I don't need a haircut, all right?

- I'm outta here. - I think you need a haircut

more than you need anything in your entire life.

- Why? - (French accent) Hello, Jason,

you're back so soon.

Hello, Dominique.

Oh... and who is this silky head of hair, hm?

(slurring) Eric Matthews.

Eric Matthews. My friend, Eric.

- He needs the full scalp treatment. - (slurring) He's... scalp treatment.

He's cute. Come with me - sit.

There you go. You know, I like your friend.

- You ready? - Uh-huh.

OK.

Mmm... Oh...

You have very soft hair, Eric.

- Very full... - Thank you.

- OK, there we go. - Goodbye... goodbye.

Hi, Cory.

Oh, Bunny... Hi.

Can you help me with my English homework?

- Sorry, I can't tonight. - Oh...

What's with the girls in our English class?

That's like the fifth one who's asked me for help with homework.

- Cor, are you that clueless? - Clueless?

Obviously I'm the one who knows what the homework is.

They don't want homework, they want you.

- Why? - Because you're a couple.

You're off the market. They can't have you, they want you more.

- What sense does that make? - You're hot, use it. Go for it.

- What about Wendy? - How long you been going out with her?

- All week. - Oh... break up!

Why? Wendy's so cute. She's adorable, she likes me.

You are so superficial... end at this minute.

- Why? - Because a week's too long

to be going out with the same person.

She starts waiting for you outside your class,

she knows your schedule.

In one extreme case, I even heard of a girl who wanted to know

what the guy was doing next summer.

What a loser.

- So you got the breakup note? - Yeah.

But I just want to wait for the right moment to give it to her.

She knows the breakup's coming. She's waiting for it.

She probably wants it more than you.

Hi, Cory, I bought you socks.

It's a lovely parting gift.

Hey, everybody!

Do I have everybody's poem on my desk here?

Ah, thank you.

I thought what we'd do is read a few of them and then we'll discuss them, OK?

OK, the first one up is Shawn Hunter. His poem is called "Welfare."

OK.

You want me to read this out loud,

or just forward it to the guidance counselor?

Read it. It's some of my best work.

OK, everybody, buckle up.

"My uncle Ralph, he does not care

"'Cause twice a month he gets welfare

"My uncle Chuck has nylon hair

"He bought the rug with his welfare.

"Old Corvair, long nose hair,

electric chair."

That's a very colorful family you got there, Shawn.

I didn't use their real names. That's OK, right?

Oh, yeah. The less I know, the better.

- Give her the note. - Oh, right.

- (Turner) OK, moving on... - Psst. Wendy...

Ah, here's one written by Wendy Jansen. It's called "Leave me and I'll die."

- Wendy, I need that back. - Shh!

"Love is a flower that blooms in the sun

"Our love runs deeper than deep rivers run

"Our love is so strong that it makes me cry

Leave me and I'll die, I will die... die... die..."

- You think I can have the note back? - Oh, the note - right.

No, don't...!

May I... be excused?

- What's going on? - We both had a lot of ice tea at lunch.

Wendy, I'm really sorry.

The note... I may not have said what I was hoping you'd think I meant to say.

- You mean you don't want to break up? - No!

I mean, what gave you that idea?

"I think we should break up."

Should not...

Not.

Does this look like the face of a guy who wants to break up?

I just love your face.

- You do? - Yes.

Then everything's gonna be OK?

Well, I need a hug.

I hope our kids turn out as sensitive as you.

Me too.

Our what?!

So, did you or did you not break up with Wendy?

No, but I have a plan.

I'm gonna call her up and tell her things are moving a little fast,

and I just need a few days by myself to think things over.

It's a good plan. How could it not work?

- Hi Cory. - (gasping)

Hey, Cor, look who's here.

It's Wendy... and she's holding a knife.

Guess who's fixing us dinner tonight?

Amy, these are terrific scallop potatoes.

I just mentioned to Wendy that they were Cory's favorite

and she just whipped them up from scratch.

Maybe I could come over again and show you how to make them?

- I'm sure I would like that. - I'm sure I'd like that too.

In fact, why don't we invite Wendy to move in

and we could become one big happy potato-eating family.

Well, I don't just make potatoes, Cory. I can make fun stuff like...

Belgian waffles.

With whipped cream and strawberries?

- Whatever you like. - Ooh.

My grandmother makes them for my grandfather.

They've been together for 66 years.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

So you think she'll have an opening tomorrow?

- I can call. - Call now.

- Hey, guys, where you been? - Hey, I can get a haircut,

as many as I want!

Eric is... cut... Let's go,

How bad is this?

Let me finish dinner and then I'll assess.

- The well-groomed boy there was... - Eric... and his friend, Jason.

Cory's told me so much about him.

When?

I hope our three kids turn out as wonderfully as yours have.

You decided on three children?

I'm one of three children and Cory's one of three children...

so I thought we'd keep the tradition alive.

Three kids... What do you think of that, gramps?

Uh... could you, uh... Come, Cory... with me... over...

- Nut case? - Ya think?

Oh, Wendy... Uh, don't you think that...

...three children on Cory's five-dollar-a-week allowance

might be a little stressful during the holidays?

Mr. Matthews, we're not going to get married anytime soon.

We both have a lot of growing up to do.

- Well, I'm glad to hear that. - Mm, let her finish.

- We're just going to grow up together. - Wanna go outside again?

Uh...

When you and Cory are married, will you be my sister?

That's right.

Ooh... she's got Morgan.

That is just so completely sweet.

Ahh... she's got all the women.

- Want to see my dolls, sis? - I'd like that.

- Would you excuse me for a moment? - Sure.

Of course, dear. Make yourself at home.

Yeah, move in.

OK, OK, family meeting. What the heck did you bring home?

She let her in.

Come on. She's just a little girl playing house.

Amy, sweetheart, she's a little blonde loon.

Nonsense! Look, if I thought there was anything to be concerned about,

I would be the first one to sound the alarm.

Mrs. Matthews, I found this picture of you in your wedding dress...

Maybe someday I'll get to try it on.

Beep, beep, beep, beep...

Come on, Jonathan. Young minds waiting to be taught.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Our little match didn't take it all out of you, did it?

Oh, yeah, you're some piece of work, George.

"Oh, I don't know how I will adapt to this vastly different game..."

"Am I standing the right way? Oh, look, another point for me."

I believe it was your idea to make a small wager on the outcome.

You're old, I though you'd lose.

And I cleaned your clock. So...?

Yeah, you took me. You hustled me.

Yes, I did.

Oh, by the way, Jonathan... I don't shoot pool either.

So after she made us desert and read to us, I walked her home.

And right there on the porch, I laid it out.

I said, "Wendy, it's over - forever."

How'd she react?

She invited me in for oatmeal cookies, Grandma Jansen played the organ,

and we all sang "Big Rock Candy Mountain."

It's nice knowin' ya.

You know they have four generations living in the same house?

The men don't say much.

(bell rings)

Listen, man, I've got class. Stay here. I'll come back and get you.

- You sure you're OK? - Yes, dear, I'm very happy.

I don't have to think about anything for the rest of my life.

- Cory, sweetheart, what are you doing? - What?!

- We don't have to steal the dinner rolls. - Oh, they want you to take the rolls.

No, they don't.

At the prices they charge, they're lucky we don't take the silverware.

I know why someone's cranky. I'll have the waitress bring some prunes.

Cory! Is that you?

Shawn, who else would it be? You know I come here everyday,

4:30 for the early bird special.

And everyday you ask, "Cory, is that you?"

- My mind's not as sharp as it used to be. - I've got news, Shawn - it never was.

- How's the fish? - Nice.

You know, Shawn, I used to envy you.

Since we was young, you've dated thousands of women

and I've been married to Wendy for the past 90 years.

- Has it been that long? - Oh, yeah.

Did you know that the 90th anniversary is the potato anniversary?

No, I didn't. How long you been married?

- Who?! - What?!

They want you to take the rolls!

You and Wendy... a beautiful girl, who's been by your side

since you were 13. And here I am, at the twilight of my life

alone...

But maybe not tonight. That girl, she's moving pretty fast.

Miss Ludwig!

Oh, prunes. This should get me through the day.

Honey, did you miss me?

Miss you? You haven't been out of my sight for the past 90 years.

Cory, has it been that awful?

Wendy, as I look back on the past 90 years together,

and see how you gave me a wonderful home,

three or four beautiful children,

your left kidney and a pair of beautiful socks.

Did you like them?

Have I ever taken them off?

- No. - That's love.

So I just want to say, thank you for loving me

and giving me a wonderful life.

Empty your pockets, Mr. Matthews.

- What?! - Stealing the dinner rolls again.

- And the Sweet'N Low. - I didn't take any Sweet'N Low.

What's in that pocket?

I bought these.

Mr. Matthews... Mr. Matthews!

- OK, but I only took three bags. - Mr. Matthews!

This is coming out of your tip.

Here's a tip for you... Get to class.

Oh, I'm late. My wife is going to be so upset.

Here's your food, sweetheart.

I didn't get any cheese on our burgers because you tell me it's no good for me.

And no red meat either. See, just the buns.

I just want what's best for you, Cory.

Yeah, I know. I know, you're just thinking of me.

Ever since we first sat in this booth and you asked me to be a couple with you.

Yeah... You know, that seems funny now.

Why?

I guess it doesn't matter now, but when I first asked you out...

I wasn't looking for a lifelong relationship.

- I just needed a date for the party. - But that's not what you told me.

Yeah, but Shawn told me I'm supposed to go out with lots of girls,

'cause that's the right thing to do and that's what girls want too.

Cory, it's over.

- What? - Our relationship... is over.

- Why? - Because it's been based on a lie

and that's not something I want to be a part of.

But what about our three kids? What about our life together and all the waffles?

I'm sorry, Cory, but it doesn't mean anything

if it's not something we both really wanted.

Hi!

- Hey, Cory, where's Wendy going? - We broke up.

- She let you go? - Yep, for good.

All right! Free man again on the prowl.

Tell you what. Tonight, you and me, the Wolensky twins.

Party 'till we drop. Whaddya say?

- No, you go. - Why?

Because...

I miss Wendy.

- I don't understand? - It's over.

- I can't see you anymore. - But you're in the book.

No, no, no, no, no... Come sit.

We'll talk while I shampoo.

No! No, Dominique! Look...

What we had was wrong and I have to walk out of here with a dry head.

But one quick rinse. No one has to know.

I'd know!

Dominique... Don't you see one of us has to be strong and it has to be me.

So don't make me do something we're both gonna regret.

Eric, you're making me angry. I will be very rough with you.

OK.

Good boy.

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