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1
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,707
- Richard and Cindy?
- Very deeply in love.
2
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:18,809
- Since when?
- Lunch.
3
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,320
What did they eat?
4
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,821
I don't know, but it doesn't look
like it was enough.
5
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:27,794
Ah, Mr. Heckle and Mr. Jekkyl,
don't we have classes to attend?
6
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:33,266
Mr. Feeny, shouldn't you break them up
or hose them down or something?
7
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:36,326
Oh, I wouldn't interrupt
their tryst, Mr. Matthews.
8
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:40,670
They're both A-minus students
and happily struck by Cupid.
9
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,540
So, if they were C-minus students,
you wouldn't let them kiss?
10
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:46,944
- School policy, don't you know.
- So I can't kiss?
11
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:51,884
With your grades, Mr. Matthews,
you can't even shake hands.
12
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,977
Just watch, Mr. Feeny.
By the end of the year,
13
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,252
I plan to have an A-plus average
and a hickey.
14
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,025
Dare to dream, Mr. Matthews.
15
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,658
Holy cow.
Jerry and Shoshanna?
16
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:07,757
Deeply.
17
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:11,032
- Has the whole world paired off?
- Pretty much.
18
00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:15,098
Is there a list posted somewhere where I
find out what girl's been assigned to me?
19
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:16,768
You want a girlfriend?
20
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:22,908
No, not a girlfriend, just a girl
who's like a friend, but not a girlfriend.
21
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:26,818
- How about her? How about the new girl?
- No.
22
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:30,380
I mean, I don't know her.
Shut up.
23
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,756
Look, I want someone I know,
24
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:37,196
someone who knows me, someone who we
know each other, someone like, uh...
25
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:40,695
Topanga!
26
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,032
Topanga, my honey.
27
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,471
- May I call you honey?
- No.
28
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:51,376
Topanga, my girl, my friend,
29
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,381
my girly friend.
30
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,940
Believe me, I don't want this
any more than you do,
31
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:59,043
but everybody around here
is pairing off,
32
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,782
and I think you and I
should spare ourselves a lot of uncoolness
33
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,289
and walk through life together.
34
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:07,089
Cory, my dear little butthead...
May I call you butthead?
35
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,061
Sure.
36
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,122
- I can't walk through life with you.
- Is there someone else?
37
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,600
There's everybody else.
38
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:19,504
Why? We're already standing together,
and we look great.
39
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:24,343
Oh, come on.
Work with me here.
40
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:29,076
Cory, when guys and girls go out,
first they fall passionately in love.
41
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,813
Then, after a week, they hate each other.
So for one great passionate week,
42
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,185
we'd lose a friendship
that could last a lifetime.
43
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:38,885
- I'm in if you are.
- Cory, don't worry.
44
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:42,452
I'm sure there's someone
out there for you.
45
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,258
Gimme a name!
46
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:51,128
- For the record, I dumped her.
- That's how I saw it.
47
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,971
Well, Dubin's out sick again.
48
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:59,673
Health teacher sick again?
Not a lot of credibility.
49
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:04,275
I wonder what kind of creepy
substitute we'll get today.
50
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:07,180
Wow.
51
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:12,416
That is no substitute.
That is the real thing.
52
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,860
Good afternoon, class.
I'm Ms. Kelly,
53
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,525
and I'll be filling in for Mr. Dubin
for the next few days.
54
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,798
On behalf of the entire class,
I'd like to say...
55
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,862
stay as long as you like.
56
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,431
Now, right now,
you seem to be covering...
57
00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:31,706
CPR, and I'm today's dummy.
58
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:36,112
No, actually, we seem to be
up to human reproduction,
59
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:39,551
which I hope we can discuss
in a mature fashion.
60
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:40,712
(laughter)
61
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:44,120
Oh, stop being so young.
62
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:48,094
You know, I'm not as young as they are.
I've stayed back, like, 50 times.
63
00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:52,989
- Really? How old are you?
- 24?
64
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,867
Really? What are you doing
in a seventh-grade classroom?
65
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,998
I'm a cop.
66
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,337
Sit down.
67
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:06,544
All right,
but I'm watching you.
68
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:14,578
All right, who can tell us the name of the
organ where the eggs are stored? Officer?
69
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:17,988
Oh, sorry, Ms. Kelly.
I don't have that stuff.
70
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:24,430
I can name the stuff I have.
Or at least what I call them.
71
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,692
All right, the name of the place
where the eggs are stored.
72
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:32,304
What are the gonads?
73
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:35,865
No, sorry. I was looking for,
what are the ovaries?
74
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,504
Oh, the o...
Yeah, I always mix those two up.
75
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:42,640
Try not to.
Your future will be brighter.
76
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:46,585
Can you tell us anything about ovulation
or how pregnancy occurs?
77
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:50,488
Well, the man's got the sperm,
and the woman's got the egg.
78
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:55,359
Now, once a month, an egg slides down
the Philippine tube towards the uterus.
79
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:56,987
The first sperm to reach the egg wins,
80
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,759
it gets a medal, it's born,
you name him Cory,
81
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,667
you push him out the door, and nothing
makes sense for the rest of his life.
82
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:07,435
Congratulations. You seem to have a
thorough understanding of the life cycle.
83
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:11,000
- Hey, I live it.
- Any questions?
84
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:14,107
Yes?
85
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:21,045
How do you get a girl to say hi?
86
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:27,861
Michael and Lisa Marie?
87
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,022
- Looks like it.
- Since when?
88
00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,925
- Just now. That was it.
- What, that?
89
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,300
- Yeah. You saw it happen.
- I can't believe it.
90
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:40,772
I saw it happen, and I still don't know
how it happens.
91
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,436
Stop obsessing, man.
You're gonna pop a lobe.
92
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,876
You're right.
I should relax,
93
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,039
'cause this coupling thing,
it's just a phase.
94
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,139
I mean, how long can it last...
a few weeks?
95
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,910
The cafeteria's right this way.
96
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,680
They know me there.
I'll get us a good table.
97
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,414
- You would do that for me?
- Oh, yeah.
98
00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,479
I'm very tight with Bertha,
the lunchroom lady.
99
00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:00,254
Yeah, I once rescued a dolphin
from her hair net.
100
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:03,387
OK, maybe it'll last a few years.
101
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:07,161
Yes, I'm acting principal now,
102
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:10,500
and the pressures would be daunting
for a man half my age.
103
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:15,838
Fortunately I have a vitality
that belies my years.
104
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,844
I'm the only one who doesn't know
how it's done.
105
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,144
Listen, I think I found something
that kind of works.
106
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,207
- What?
- This.
107
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,345
Hi, Shawn.
108
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:34,283
- Wow. From across the hall.
- Yep, I got a 30-foot range.
109
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,762
- What, you just jerk your head?
- Watch again.
110
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:40,858
I'm still young enough,
I can do this twice in a row.
111
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:46,197
Shawn, it's so strange.
I was just thinking about you.
112
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,902
And that's without conditioner.
113
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,881
Cory, what is it?
114
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:10,522
- You were just drawn to me, weren't you?
- No, I thought you had head lice.
115
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,827
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm great.
116
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,234
- Oh, good.
- Hi, Topanga.
117
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,864
I was just thinking about you.
118
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,242
I need new hair.
119
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,543
Hi, Mom.
This is Rebecca.
120
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,611
It's kind of a new relationship, so don't say
anything too embarrassing, OK?
121
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,180
Oh, hi, Rebecca.
He wet his bed till he was 12.
122
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,449
Oops.
123
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,459
Wanna sit?
124
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,660
Hey Weasel, you wanna move your stuff
off the table?
125
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,200
We gotta cram for the math test tomorrow.
126
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,600
My name's not Weasel,
it's Morgan.
127
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:51,865
I thought you liked it
when I called you Weasel.
128
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,270
I've never liked it.
129
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:57,277
You like it so much, it's your name now...
Weasel.
130
00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,337
- What an assertive little sister you have.
- Oh, it's the uniform.
131
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:04,145
When she takes it off, she has
a vulnerable side, I'm almost certain.
132
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:07,813
OK, Morgan, soccer practice.
Remember what we learned last week?
133
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,015
Don't kick the coach.
134
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:14,985
Hey, before we get started,
why don't we take a break?
135
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,654
Can I get you something to drink?
I got full access
136
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,961
to all the major appliances
in the kitchen.
137
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,901
Aren't you gonna show me
your house first?
138
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,035
The house?
You wanna see the house?
139
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:29,270
Sure. Uh, this is the house.
140
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,111
Are there any other rooms?
141
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:37,708
Uh, yeah, there's probably one right
through here. Do you wanna...? All right.
142
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:41,086
Hey, I was right.
This is the living room.
143
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,316
This is where we live.
144
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:47,191
And this is the couch where much of
the sitting takes place.
145
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:52,822
Aren't you gonna show me
the, uh, upstairs?
146
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:55,733
Yeah, boy, yeah, boy,
yeah, boy.
147
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,532
The upstairs.
I love the upstairs.
148
00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,266
You know, we weren't even
gonna have an upstairs,
149
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,604
but I made 'em put it in
because I knew you were coming.
150
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:05,941
Nobody told me about this girl thing,
Shawn. I mean, no one warned me.
151
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:10,211
I thought they were just there.
I didn't know they were interactive.
152
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,275
You'll get the hang of it.
153
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:16,790
Sure. It's easy for you.
Your hair moves.
154
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:19,087
- There's other techniques.
- Like what?
155
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,422
I don't know.
I just do hair.
156
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,587
Yeah, but where do I get my technique?
157
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:25,291
Ask your brother.
He's got the boom.
158
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,834
You know what?
Let's just forget this whole subject.
159
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,767
There are a million other things
to do in the world.
160
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:33,295
I mean, we're too young to worry
about finding mates.
161
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:36,104
- You're right. See ya.
- Where are you going?
162
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:41,205
Off to meet girls.
I've got a 30-foot range.
163
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:44,217
- (girl) Is that you, Shawn?
- Get out.
164
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,620
Fine. No girls for me.
165
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:52,090
I'll just study and get good grades and get
smart and become a famous scientist,
166
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:55,219
and then I'll build a wife.
167
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,089
I'm bored.
168
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:03,534
- (
jazz)
- What's that? Mom?
169
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,630
Dad? Are you home?
170
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:24,621
- Cory, we're studying.
- So am I.
171
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,826
Don't go, Rebecca.
172
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:32,627
Sorry. I really don't feel
like being here anymore.
173
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:35,328
You haven't seen the whole house.
Let me take you up to the roof.
174
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:39,031
Actually, Eric, I think it's nice
we didn't go any further than we did.
175
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,267
- Thank you.
- No prob.
176
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,776
Why don't we just study together
like we planned?
177
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:47,678
- I need to study alone.
- So I'll see you Friday?
178
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:50,683
No.
179
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,510
OK, then!
180
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,859
So, what's new?
181
00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:02,157
- I'm gonna kill you.
- I have you.
182
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:06,632
I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna bring you
back to life, and I'm gonna kill you again.
183
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:09,191
- I have you.
- What?! What do you have?
184
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:12,296
You have what I have...
nothing!
185
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:18,144
You, my boy, were in Mom and Dad's bed.
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
186
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,646
What was that, the sound of power
suddenly shifting?
187
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:22,771
Nothing happened.
188
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,182
Yeah, and it didn't happen
in Mom and Dad's bed.
189
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:29,086
I have you.
I have you by your ovaries.
190
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:33,189
Hey, Cor, buddy,
I'm not gonna kill you.
191
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:35,660
That was one of those wacky
brother-to-brother murder threats.
192
00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:39,028
Yeah. Listen, I'd like you
to do something for me.
193
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:42,227
- Anything you need.
- Tell me how you do it.
194
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,930
What I was doing with Rebecca?
195
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:48,771
No, no, what you were doing with Rebecca,
I don't have the lung capacity for that.
196
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:51,936
I just wanna know,
how do you get a girl to say hi?
197
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:53,980
- Oh, you're wasting my time.
- I have you.
198
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,142
Now, ordinarily I wouldn't reveal
my foolproof method,
199
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,948
but I know I can count on my
favorite little brother to keep a secret.
200
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,453
I'm listening.
201
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,046
- OK, you got eyes?
- Yeah.
202
00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:04,181
- Use 'em.
- How?
203
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,385
Look at her. Look into her.
Look through her.
204
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:09,052
I mean, make her think
she's the most exquisite thing
205
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,630
your eyes have ever beheld.
206
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,962
- Who her?
- Who cares? Pick somebody.
207
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,227
Well, how do I pick?
208
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,600
- You got eyes?
- I thought we established that.
209
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:21,766
Make eye contact. Make her eyes believe
that your eyes are interested in her.
210
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,333
- So I have to be interested in her.
- No, you're overachieving.
211
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,710
You only have to make her think you are.
212
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,579
So we find, in Fielding's novel,
213
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:34,246
the character Tom Jones is absolutely
irresistible to women.
214
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,449
- Isn't that right, Matthews?
- Uh, yeah, that's right.
215
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,287
- What's right?
- What you just said.
216
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:43,387
- What'd I just say?
- You weren't listening, either?
217
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,825
Matthews, keep your head
facing this way.
218
00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:47,833
Shawn, tell your buddy
what I was saying.
219
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:52,270
Uh, he was saying,
"Matthews, you're not listening."
220
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:55,604
Thank you. Did either one of you guys
do the reading assignment?
221
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,268
- Some of it.
- What did you read?
222
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,812
I read the page you handed us
with the reading assignment on it.
223
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:03,611
- (bell rings)
- Yay! Yay!
224
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:13,155
- What?
- Oh, uh...
225
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:17,857
Uh, I was just looking at your hair.
I'm very interested in your hair.
226
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:21,025
- Why?
- Because it's... it's interesting hair.
227
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,968
I mean, it's very exquisite hair.
228
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:27,530
It's the most exquisite hair
my eyes have ever beheld.
229
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:30,943
Well, actually, I did comb it differently
this morning.
230
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:34,503
So, um, with all that said,
231
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:38,017
would you be interested
in going out with me?
232
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:42,021
All right. I guess so.
When?
233
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:47,459
- Uh, tomorrow, after school.
- OK. See you then.
234
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:55,894
Has a brand-new couple taken shape
before my very eyes?
235
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:58,961
What can I say?
I've got the boom!
236
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,774
(sighs)
237
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,508
- What's the matter?
- Nothing's the matter.
238
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:14,213
Yeah, you got your, uh...
floor-length flannel armor on there.
239
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,348
- This happens to be very comfortable.
- Mm-hmm.
240
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:21,622
Well, you're looking
positively Amish.
241
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,131
Alan... tomorrow
I have three busloads
242
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,430
of these Garden Club ladies
coming to the gallery,
243
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,868
and some of the paintings
are just a little risqu?.
244
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:34,897
Risqu?? What do you mean?
Like flannel-off-the-shoulder kind of...
245
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,808
What is with this?
Is this welded on?
246
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,239
I'm a little stressed, OK?
247
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:43,408
Well, I'm just the guy
to relieve that stress.
248
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,974
- How's that?
- It helps.
249
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,646
Mm-hmm.
250
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,384
- Ow!
- Was that a good "ow"?
251
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,950
No, it wasn't you.
It was this.
252
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,555
Whose earring is this?
253
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,658
- Well, it's not yours?
- No.
254
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:05,671
Well, I-I-I have no idea. Honestly, I don't
know who-whose earring that is.
255
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,175
Alan, sweetheart,
I'm not accusing you.
256
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,774
- Why not?
- I know you're not having an affair.
257
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,577
Oh, you think I'm safe? You think
other women aren't attracted to me?
258
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:20,711
- I haven't said anything.
- And, boy, are you oh so wrong.
259
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:24,189
Just today at the store, this slim little
blonde with a low-cut dress,
260
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,659
she came up to me and asked me
if the bread was fresh.
261
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:32,756
Alan, sweetheart, I know there are still
many women that still are attracted to you.
262
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,199
- You don't sound very threatened.
- I'm threatened.
263
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:39,069
I know I could lose you
at any moment.
264
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,039
- (blows)
- Oh, stop that.
265
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,769
We just found an earring in our bed.
266
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:48,611
I know... a cheap, tacky one,
the kind of thing a teenager would... wear.
267
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,515
- Eric!
- What about Eric?
268
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:56,352
The earring. Eric was with a girl
alone in this house.
269
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:58,891
Oh, boy. OK, sweetheart,
I will go have a talk with him.
270
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,290
No, no, no.
I will talk to him.
271
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:04,091
I don't want to have any of that
father-son winking thing going on.
272
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:08,191
- What father-son winking?
- No, I-I don't want to see you go,
273
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:12,329
"Son, what you did was wrong," and then,
"Attaboy." I don't want to see that.
274
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,772
- You think I'd do that?
- I think you'd do that.
275
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,606
Well, I wouldn't do that. That just goes
to show you don't know me at all.
276
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:20,647
We'll both just go
have a talk with my son.
277
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,615
- My son.
- Ugh!
278
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,584
- Hello.
- You want to tell us anything?
279
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,685
Uh... not yet.
280
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,291
Now I got something to tell you.
281
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:39,093
We found this in our bed.
What was it you wanted to tell us?
282
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,833
I just wanted to say,
"Happy Birthday, Mom."
283
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,497
The other one's on layaway.
284
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,131
Nothing happened between me
and Rebecca, if that's what you're thinking.
285
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:49,675
Why should we believe
that nothing happened?
286
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:52,803
Look at my face.
Do I look happy?
287
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,110
Nothing happened.
288
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,516
Well, I'd like to know what you were doing
bringing a girl into our room.
289
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,920
And don't give us some lame-o excuse like,
"She wanted a tour of the house."
290
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:08,052
OK. We were on the roof replacing tiles
when we fell through the ceiling,
291
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:10,323
and luckily your bed broke our fall.
292
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,163
Eric, you're in some big trouble here.
293
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:16,327
Hey, go easy on him,
I need this brother.
294
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,234
He taught me how to get
what I want from a girl.
295
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,763
- Excuse me?
- He taught me how to get a date,
296
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:25,778
- and it worked big-time.
- Oh, I see, and who is this girl?
297
00:17:26,412 --> 00:17:29,678
- Uh, I don't know her name.
- You don't know her name?
298
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,685
Not yet, but I'm gonna find out
before I make any type of commitment.
299
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,278
How can you manage to ask a girl out
if you don't know her name?
300
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:38,586
- All part of Eric's foolproof method.
- Cory, get the phone.
301
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:42,686
- Oh, Eric has a foolproof method?
- Ring! Ring!
302
00:17:43,262 --> 00:17:47,063
- Go ahead, Cory.
- All right, first you pick a girl, any girl.
303
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,726
- Just any-ol-body.
- Yeah.
304
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,394
Then you pretend you're interested in her.
305
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:52,062
Now you don't really have to be
interested in her.
306
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:54,300
I thought you did,
but Eric said it wasn't necessary.
307
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,002
- Ring!
- That's what you told him?
308
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,411
What? Does it matter
what I told him? I'm dead.
309
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,279
You had the big sex talk with him
two years ago. What did you tell him?
310
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:06,285
Not that! How can you think
I'd tell him that?
311
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:09,151
- Alan, I'm not accusing you.
- Yes, you are. You're accusing me of this,
312
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:13,556
and yet you refuse to accuse me
of having an affair. That hurts.
313
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,686
Cory, I know you look up to your brother,
314
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,560
but I want you to go to your father
for advice on this subject.
315
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:22,432
Eric has some explaining to do
about his own behavior with girls lately.
316
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,402
- I know.
- What do you know?
317
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,133
Pretty much everything.
I kind of walked in on them.
318
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:30,335
Amazing grace...
319
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:34,312
- On Eric and his friend in our room?
- How could this happen?
320
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:39,751
Dad, Rebecca sat down
on the bed and went like this...
321
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:47,885
Oh, so this is her fault.
And you bear no responsibility?
322
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,328
- Clearly, I should have locked the door.
- Eric, you're missing the point.
323
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,387
No, I know the point, Dad.
324
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,661
I should have controlled myself,
but nothing happened.
325
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,465
Eric, Eric, you are in so deep.
326
00:18:57,536 --> 00:19:00,506
Dad, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm really, really s...
327
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:03,099
You know, for thousands of years,
fathers have said to their sons,
328
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:07,670
"Don't rush into sex," and the sons
have always said, "Yeah, sure. OK."
329
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,841
I didn't understand my father
till this very moment,
330
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,645
and you won't understand me
till you're a father,
331
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:13,948
which won't be for a very long time!
332
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,750
- Dad?
- Learn her name!
333
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,084
- Yes, sir.
- As for you...
334
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,250
Rebecca.
Her name was Rebecca.
335
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:23,490
- Is that all you know about her?
- Well, not too much more, I guess.
336
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:26,532
- Does that make you feel good?
- No, it doesn't.
337
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:31,367
Eric, every once in a while, let your brain in
on what the rest of you is doing.
338
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,668
Are you two
both clear on this?
339
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,608
But if I can't use Eric's method,
then how do I get a girl to say hi?
340
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,373
- Cory...
- Yeah?
341
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:43,041
What did you know about girls
before your brother's excellent advice?
342
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:47,948
- I didn't know anything.
- Why don't you just go with that?
343
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,022
Um, ready to go?
344
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:04,530
Look, are you feeling
a little funny about this?
345
00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:07,869
You mean, about going out
on a date?
346
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,842
Yeah, because we don't
even know each other.
347
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,879
A little funny.
348
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,382
So do you wanna, like,
not go out on a date?
349
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:20,609
- Yeah, it doesn't feel right.
- I understand.
350
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,882
But we should still
get to know each other.
351
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,548
Oh, that would be nice.
352
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:27,252
Yeah, because then,
in case we ever did want to go out,
353
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:29,761
well, we'd know each other.
354
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:33,163
So, um, how do you want
to get to know each other?
355
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:40,131
Well, we could go somewhere and talk...
if you don't have something else to do.
356
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:44,701
Well, I did, but, um...
now I'm suddenly free.
357
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:47,372
Great. Let's go.
358
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:53,452
So, uh, what do you want
to talk about?
359
00:20:53,519 --> 00:20:57,456
Well, um,
do you know my name?
360
00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:01,153
- Uh...
- It's Wendy.
361
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:04,261
Wendy.
362
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:09,092
- Wendy?
- Yeah?
363
00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:12,734
- Hi.
- Hi.
364
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:26,213
- Lot of homework?
- Yeah, a lot. You?
365
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,913
Yeah.
366
00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:30,656
Look, Cory,
I know I've been forbidden
367
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,090
to give you any advice
on any subject ever again,
368
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:36,652
so if there's any information
you'd like to voluntarily offer
369
00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:38,459
about the current events
of your life, I'm listening.
370
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:41,296
- How was my date?
- Yeah.
371
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:44,993
- I had a real good time.
- So, what was your technique?
372
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:48,234
Look, I know you know everything
there is to know about women
373
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:52,438
and I don't know anything,
so I did what I do best...
374
00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:56,278
I was real nervous
and I nodded a lot.
375
00:21:56,348 --> 00:21:57,441
Did she like that?
376
00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:59,382
I don't know,
but when we were done,
377
00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:01,249
I asked her if she maybe
wanted to go out again.
378
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,221
She said, "Yeah, I would."
379
00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:04,917
Cool.
380
00:22:06,392 --> 00:22:08,691
- Cor?
- Yeah?
381
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:11,287
So, how did you nod?
I mean, was it like this or...?
382
00:22:13,966 --> 00:22:16,162
(laughs)
383
00:22:16,212 --> 00:22:20,762
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