Original subtitles

All the shadows in the city

Used to love you, what a pity

I miss the questions you used to ask me

Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

Bored to death

Cut, mad and lonely.

I got Maker's Mark, Bushmills. What do you want, handsome?

Nothing, thank you. I'm fine.

So just how long you been a private dick on the side?

Only a few months.

I know it's strange but it's kind of my way to help people.

It's good, because I want you to help me.

I think my wife's been having an affair on the side.

She's been suppressing a smile for weeks.

I want you to figure out what's going on.

I don't know if I feel comfortable.

Louis showed me your ad in craigslist.

It said your rates are quite fair. How much do you charge?

A hundred a day plus expenses.

- How does 500 sound? - Mr. Antrem.

Deal. Keep the clip.

And come on-- it's Richard.

- Well, I could use the money. - Good!

So listen, I got it all figured out how we're gonna do this.

Tomorrow night I've told her I'm going out of town.

She's got pilates at 7:00.

I want you to plant yourself in my closet in our bedroom.

- What, why? - So you can see who she's fucking.

If there's any action, you text me, I'll be right over.

I've got a room at the Harbor Club for the night.

I don't know. Sounds risky.

Oh, come on! It's a snap.

If she's not screwing anybody, she's taking two Ambien every night.

She'll be dead to the world. You'll sneak right out of there.

Maybe you should hire a more experienced detective.

Listen, George is an idiot,

but his one decent trait--

he surrounds himself with good people,

so I trust you intrinsically and I want you for this job.

Okay, I'll take the case.

So how is George anyway?

- He's good-- - You know what I can't stand about him?

Whatever you're doing he wants to do.

Whatever you've got, he wants. You ever notice that?

- Yeah. - He's just a big narcissistic

nipple-sucking infant, you know? Mmm-mm-mm...

- George, give me that titty. - Richard!

Oh, Louis.

You remember your old boxing opponent Jonathan?

- Hello, Louis. - Hello, Jonathan. I heard your novel was rejected.

- Yes, but-- - No wonder you're on the casting couch.

You're looking for work. There's a position in the mailroom if you're interested.

- What are you talking about? - Don't be so fey, Louis.

Could you come back in 10 minutes, please?

Jonathan and I are finishing up some very important business.

I'm so sorry. He's very possessive in his own way.

His father was a child psychologist',

Made him sleep in a box. I think it aged him prematurely.

Oh, I didn't know.

If George knew I was working for Antrem, he'd be really hurt,

but I need the money.

- George will never know. - I hope not,

but I still feel guilty.

It's just too bad that Antrem doesn't trust his wife.

They should just have an open relationship.

Monogamy sucks! It never works.

Didn't know that you felt that way.

Do you have an open mind about relationships?

Yes, I have an open mind.

Well, I'd like our relationship to be... open.

A lot of people at the food co-op

are experimenting with polyamory and I want us to try it.

What? I can't just go from an open mind

to an open relationship.

We need to talk about this for months and never act on it.

Jonathan, I realize that this is coming out of the blue,

but I want to see other people.

Wait, wait a second. Wha-wha-- what brought this on?

I thought you were happy with me.

- We found your G-spot and everything. - I know. I know.

My first love has come back to Brooklyn

and he's the other person I want to see,

but I also don't want to lose you.

I-I can't believe this. Who's this first love?

His name is Warren. We went to Bard together.

- Well, he's agreed to it. - You checked with him before me?!

I just want us all to have

an overnight group cuddle

just so that we can see how we all get along.

God, Stella, a sleepover?

It'll be fun. You'll like Warren.

He's a struggling comedian. You guys have a lot in common.

- Because I'm struggling? - No!

Because he's funny and sweet like you.

No, I will not have a three-way cuddle with a struggling comedian.

Come on, Jonathan, you're a writer.

Henry Miller would have done it.

You can be my Henry Miller.

I do like Henry Miller.

But wait, if I'm Henry Miller then who's Warren?

He'll be...

- Bukowski. - I wanna be Bukowski.

Okay, you are Bukowski.

I always loved Bukowski.

- Hi, I'm Dr. Kenwood. - Oh.

Uh, George Christopher.

- Where's Dr. Rebonowitz? - Oh, he retired.

I've taken over his practice. We sent out an e-mail.

I didn't get it, I guess.

- I'm on AOL. - Sorry.

So what brings you to me today?

Uh...

well, I've had this terrific pain.

It's like one of those, uh, little piranhas

got inside of my penis.

What do you think would cause such a thing?

Off the top of my head I would say urethral scarring.

What? Oh my God, why-- why would I have scarring?

A long active sex life. Does that apply to you?

Well, I've always admired the French lifestyle, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I understand. All right, feet up.

Look at those.

- Is that really necessary? - Sometimes.

Also it's good for spotting tiny venereal warts.

Oh God.

You know, I don't recall Dr. Rebonowitz having stirrups.

- Is this something new? - Yes, it's my own innovation.

I thought of it when I was at the gynecologist.

This way when I finger your prostate

I can see your face and gauge your reaction.

Makes me a better and more effective doctor.

Is it strange as a female urologist

to deal with men?

No, I've always been intrigued with the male anatomy.

As a girl I loved horses.

Right.

- Okay. - So, uh,

how are we doing down there?

So far so good.

But you have bedbugs.

- What? - Didn't you notice the little red bites?

Oh, I thought that was chafing.

Oh God, this is so embarrassing.

Not at all, the whole city's infected with bedbugs.

Bloomberg probably has them.

You're gonna need to bomb your apartment.

Oh Lord.

My fingers are gonna feel a little cold.

How does that feel?

It feels comforting actually.

Hmm.

Oh, come on!

All right, just hold on.

I got it, I got it.

Just put it in me now. I can't wait!

- Do you feel filled up? - Yes yes.

What's my name? I want to hear you say it.

- Nosferatu. - No, you forgot to say "great."

- The Great Nosferatu. - Sorry, dear.

All right, do it again.

George left at midnight. Then she took two Ambien.

It was one of the worst nights of my life.

Does George have a nice ass?

It-- it was very white.

It figures. I still don't understand

why he's having an affair with his ex-wife.

It's like a waste of a divorce.

I don't understand why he didn't tell me he was seeing Priscilla.

Why? I don't tell you everything.

- You don't? - No.

Oh, yes yes yes yes.

Look at this.

My new drawing.

The origin of Super Ray.

- So this is how he gets his powers? - Yeah.

Walks down the street with his fly undone,

falls through a subway grate,

hits his cock on the third rail,

and it becomes a god.

So the third rail is to his cock

what the spider bite was to Peter Parker?

Yeah, but this is on a higher level.

That's the general idea, yeah.

Plus when Leah sees the quality of my new work, she'll want me back.

You know, I don't know if that's gonna do the trick.

I mean, she never really liked comics.

It'll work, okay? I made a mix CD also.

And between the mix CD and the book,

she'll know how much I love her.

When did you start using that pipe?

Uh, a couple of weeks ago,

right after Leah sent my heart to Darfur.

Corncob pipe gets you more stoned,

plus it makes me look like a sea captain.

I don't know what's worse-- Leah breaking up with you

or Stella forcing me into bed with her old boyfriend.

But if you don't do it, you'll lose her

just like I lost Leah.

I'm a chest of drawers.

This drawer

right here... has been removed.

Sorry, Ray.

It's okay.

I'll win her back. I have to.

I can't believe you were in the closet.

I can't believe I had to listen to you make love for 10 minutes.

10-- it was longer than 10 minutes.

Thank you. This is the best part about having bedbugs.

I may never move back to my apartment.

You know the Maritime is a beautiful hotel,

but the Meatpacking District really has become... Los Angeles.

So how was I last night in bed? Do I still got it?

I don't know, George. I never saw you have sex before.

True true.

But Priscilla, God, she's beautiful, isn't she?

Yeah, of course she's lovely,

but what was all that "Nosferatu" business?

Oh, well...

we like to do vampire role-play. It's always been our thing.

- God, is everyone into vampires? - It seems that way.

Oh, what's that?

Two poached eggs and an avocado.

You know, avocado is the fish of vegetables-- a lot of omega-3.

Oh, I want that. Can we switch?

This looks like very very nice oatmeal.

All right, fine. Never mind.

What the hell were you thinking letting Antrem hire you?

He was very pushy and I needed the money.

So very strange. I mean I've had people watch, you know,

back in the '70s at Plato's Retreat,

but not when I didn't know.

Well, you better call it quits. I covered for you.

Why? What exactly did you say

to that pompous, bloated toad?

I told him she was alone, but he wants me back in the closet.

- Tomorrow night I'll be back in there. - All right.

- Wednesday night. - No, George, today is Wednesday.

Oh, right right.

George, why are you having an affair with your ex-wife?

Because I've never fallen out of love with her.

Hmm.

Are you sure you don't wanna switch?

Oh, of course you do. Come on, come on.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Ah, bon app?tit.

Let's have a toast

to my two favorite men in the world.

To my favorite girl in the world.

Mine too.

You know, if you guys just randomly met,

you would be friends. You know what I mean?

Sure, baby.

"Baby."

Just trying to keep it symmetrical, you know?

I'm gonna go light some candles in the bedroom

and get everything all ready, okay?

Sure, sweetie, sure.

Oh, she's so sexy, isn't she?

Yeah, I love that ass. Doggy-style with her, right?

- Listen-- - Yeah yeah,

you're probably right. No locker room talk.

So before we go to bed I should know

- are you bi or what? - I don't think so.

A camp counselor once fondled me inappropriately, but that's about it.

- Are you bi? - I don't know.

When I was 13, my best friend used to put on his mom's wig and blow me.

- Does that count? - Maybe?

- Yeah, whatever. So you're a writer? - Yes, I've written one novel.

Stella told me that your second novel was rejected.

- She did. Well-- - Does that make you feel like a one-hit wonder,

even though your one hit wasn't really that big?

Actually my first novel was very well received.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Because I read a review of your novel by Louis Greene.

- Well, that guy's very biased. - You're kind of a weak sister, aren't you?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Everything's ready. Do you guys wanna come in and smoke some pot?

Let's do this, little man.

You know, I really wanna thank you guys for doing this.

I feel really loved right now.

Oh, I'm happy too, baby.

Do you think that we could rotate the spooning in a little while

so that I'm behind you, Stella? I think that's fair.

This is my apartment.

- That's fine with me. - No problem.

But can you pull the plug on that little kiddie nightlight?

I like total darkness. My circadian rhythms get all messed up.

You know what? I'm ready for more than cuddling.

It was frightening. It was-- it was like an elephant tusk.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I think I may have the smallest penis in the world.

I mean, first George, which was bad enough,

but then Warren makes George look tiny.

But you're just comparing yourself to those two. You don't have a small penis, do you?

I do! I've been looking at it all morning. I can't even see it.

It's like I'm on top of the Empire State Building and my penis is an ant.

You need to go to a doctor for something like that.

Maybe, I don't know. I'm just really going crazy right now.

I'm committing menticide.

- Menticide, what's that? - My brain is attacking itself.

Look...

can you please look at my penis and tell me I'm an adult male?

- No! What, are you nuts? - Come on.

Hemingway checked Fitzgerald when he went through a crisis like this.

He wrote about it in "A Movable Feast."

I'm your friend, but I'm not gonna look at your cock.

I don't care what Hemingway wrote.

Please?

- What, here? - Yes.

- Now? - Yes please.

Okay. Pull it out.

- Well, I mean, not here here. - Where do you want to do it?

Because I'm not going into an alley. I'm not gonna fall for that again.

Make it quick, Fitzgerald.

I really appreciate you doing this.

You're fucking crazy. You're perfectly normal.

- Really, you think so? - Yeah, look at this.

Oh my God, what is that?

I have a long foreskin. Not everybody in New York is Jewish, you know.

Not again!

Okay, go down on me first. Get me ready.

Oh God, I love licking your armpit.

Oh George.

Don't put your tongue in there. I'll come.

Oh, no no no, George.

No no, George, no.

I saw the color violet when I came.

I saw the color orange.

I forgot to turn my phone off. I'm sorry.

I won't answer it.

George, I'm in the closet and I need to come out!

I'll give you two minutes to get decent and then I'm coming out.

It's an emergency.

What?

You remember Jonathan, right?

This is Leah. Please leave a message.

You can come out now.

George, I told you I was gonna be in here on Thursday night.

You knew he was gonna be in there?

I thought he was gonna be in there Wednesday night.

And it's not my fault. Richard hired him.

How could you forget which night?

I don't know. You know, I got that vaporizer you told me about.

I think my short-term memory is going and my long term.

We gotta go. Antrem's gonna be back soon.

This is the most humiliating experience of my life.

- Sweetheart, come on. - Oh, just shut up.

Sweetie, my flight got canceled!

Oh shit. What are we gonna do?

Leah?

- Leah? - Who are you?

- Who the fuck are you? - Leah, call 911.

Some nut has broken into the house.

Some nut? I'm her boyfriend, you fucking asshole!

I thought you guys broke up.

- Irwin? - Here.

Ray? What's going on?!

Priscilla?

I have something terrible to confess to you.

I thought that you were cheating on me

so I hired a private detective.

Jonathan, you can come out of the closet now.

Hello, Richard.

Ray, stop. Irwin, come back.

- I'm so sorry. - That's all right.

I'll just go home. Thank you for a beautiful evening.

Shut up, asshole. You have a small cock.

Because I'm frightened. I'll call you tomorrow, Leah.

Shut up.

I can't believe this, Ray. Why are you here?

Because I love you.

What? What did you say?

I can't believe it. It's only been three weeks and you do this?

I'm sorry. He's just a guy I met. I don't wanna hurt you.

You're my best friend.

You're cheating on me with him?

How could you do that to me? You know that I love you.

- Richard, I'm sorry. - But why?

Because I could pretend that I was in the past

when George and I were married,

when I was young.

Oh, R-Richard. Don't be mad at Priscilla, please.

It's my fault. I mean, yes, we have an amour fou--

Shut up, you old queen.

And you? I thought you were my new friend.

Uh--

- I'm sorry, Richard. - Me too.

I'd like all of you idiots out of the house.

Want to get a drink?

Sure.

I'm your only friend

I'm not your only friend

But I'm a little glowing friend

But really I'm not actually your friend

But I am...

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

Who watches over you

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Not to put too fine a point on it

Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

And while you're at it

Leave the night light on inside the birdhouse in your soul

Not to put too fine a point on it

Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

- Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

- While you're at it

- Who watches over you

- Leave the night light on inside the birdhouse

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Not to put too fine a point on it

Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

- Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

- And while you're at it

- Who watches over you

- Leave the night light on inside the birdhouse

Make a little birdhouse in your soul.

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