All language subtitles for Bored To Death s01e04 The Case of the Stolen Skateboard

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Thanks.

Sorry I'm late.

Ray's friends are here.

He didn't tell me
they were coming over.

Michelle, Lisa, this is Jonathan.

Where's Ray?

He's in the bathroom masturbating.

- What?
- I'm almost done.

Just three more times.

Why is he doing that?

Ray and Leah
are being really generous with us

and Ray is giving us his sperm
so that we can have a baby.

Tonight's our first exchange.

- But I'm not the one being generous.
- I think you are.

Sharing your lover's sperm with us
is very kind of you.

Yeah, and we really need this stuff.
There's no getting around it.

And what my Michelle wants,
she gets.

Yeah, Ray told me about this.

Well, congratulations.

As long as a kid isn't born with a beard
we'll be happy.

Stop. No, actually we just
really love Ray's comics

and we're hoping that the baby
will become an artist.

And what do you do, in case
we want a different kind of baby?

I heard that.

- Really, what do you do?
- I'm a writer.

And Ray told me you're moonlighting
as a private detective.

Maybe you could help a friend of mine.
Her son's skateboard was stolen.

I could definitely look into that.

So far I've solved all my cases.

I mean, there've only been two,

but still, that's a perfect record.

Okay, well, her name is Alice
and she's a radical vegan.

I know a lot of radical vegans.
She must be unhappy.

All that jizz.

But could you put that in the fridge?
'cause we need to keep it chilled.

No, I don't want it in the fridge.
The girls' lunches are in there.

- Leah, please.
- All right.

I'll put it in the sink
with some ice.

Just give it to me, Leah.
We'll put it in our cooler.

- Oh my god.
- I'll get it. I'll get it.

Here it is. Here it is.

- Okay, good. No spillage.
- We should go.

For the record, I'm against this.

I'm sorry to bring this up,
but could I have your friend's number...

The radical vegan?

I really want that case.

Ray, the sperm.

More?
Oh, this.

Goodbye, Picasso.

I never skateboarded myself.

My parents wouldn't let me.
They were kind of...

overprotective and smothering.

I'm a very permissive parent.

I think it's really important
that David have a sense of agency.

Like every night for dinner
he decides what he wants to eat.

He must eat a lot of pizza then.

We don't eat dairy or wheat.

David has a lot of food allergies.

I don't know if Leah told you,
but I advocated the public schools

for slow food and raw food
and live food.

In my heart I'm a vegan,
but in my mouth I lack discipline.

It sounds like your heart's
in the right place.

You just have to work on your mouth.

So what exactly happened
with David's skatebo...?

It's gonna stain.

So what exactly happened
with David's skateboard?

Well, this older boy,

this alpha-male bully took it.

I offered to buy a new
one, but he wouldn't hear of it.

He's very attached to this one.

- How old is David?
- He's nine.

- And the boy who took his skateboard?
- I don't know. He's, like, 16 or 17.

His name is Francisco.

I can't get it back.
It would humiliate David.

That's really very smart of you.

When I was a kid I had back spasms

and I went to this crazy orthopedist

who prescribed a corset.
For months...

- Do you still have back problems?
- Sometimes. It's...

I can fix that.

Lie on your belly.

A corset?

I think that's odd.

I don't know if I'd let a doctor
do that to David.

Yeah, it was a very Victorian cure,
especially for New Jersey.

But the point of my story was

that my mother
never let anyone know.

She protected me.

I only wore sweatshirts.

I'm glad to hear that part.
Roll over.

How's that?

Wonderful.

Copy me.

Lift your leg up.

Do you really think you can
get David's skateboard back?

I'll get it back

and I'll find this Francisco.

The other leg.

I'd be really grateful.

Ever since David's father
and I broke up...

I've been without a man
around the house.

You've got a man in the house now.

I'm looking for a kid named Francisco.
Do you know him?

He rides around on the board
that looks like this.

Do you... Do you know...
Do you know Fran...

Do you know Francisco?

Excuse me.

Do you know someone named Francisco?

Ever skateboarded with him

on the streets?

I know him.

Do you know where
he likes to skateboard?

Don't remember.

Would $5 help your memory?

No, but $10 would.

All right, tough guy.

Excuse me one second...
Business.

- Caroline.
- Jonathan, there you are.

How's it coming with the new
Kama sutra novel?

What position are you on?

I'm on chapter 11... Chapter 12...

- Position 12.
- That's...

52 positions to go.

Listen, you keep working
hard, all right?

And, you know, send me a
chapter now if you like.

I'll send you something soon, okay?
But I am with a friend right now,

so I'll call you back.
Is that okay?

All right, sweetheart.
Don't be a stranger.

You know that all of my writers
are like my husbands.

Right, I know.
Okay.

- Bye, Caroline.
- Ciao, sweetie.

I think that you're not
working on the book

because you're depressed
over losing the girl.

I'm doing a little better.
I met someone today.

That's perfect.
Hemingway, you know, said

the best way to get over a woman
was to get another one.

Of course then to get over that woman
you need another woman.

So basically one failed relationship
leads to the next?

Anyway, how's the new girl?

Good-looking?

Yeah, pretty sexy.
I really like her.

Nice arms?

I guess so, yeah.
Why?

I don't know.
Just lately

I've been going nuts
over women's arms...

Actually the armpit.

I just love it.

It's this other secret place
to burrow into.

But you don't have to slide as
far down the bed to get to it.

Maybe it's laziness.
I don't know.

There's also a childhood connection.

Something happened with you
and an armpit in childhood?

I was on the school bus.
I'm 11 years old.

And this girl...

Diane Trudy was her name...

I remember she was wearing
a yellow dress.

And when she stood up

to reach for the pole

the sunlight came
through the windshield

and I could see her armpit.

There were these beautiful,

very slight

blonde yellow hairs

just sort of undulating.

I fell in love.

Why do you think the hairs
made you fall in love?

Because I knew it meant
that she was becoming a woman.

I like that story.

And...

God help me,

it's happening again.

Wait, what?

I met this young publicist
the other day

and for some reason
she lifted her arm

and I could see these
light blonde hairs

and it was like a moment
out of Proust...

- I was back on the school bus.
- That's incredible.

- So twice in one life.
- I know.

Her name's Emily.

She's the flack for a new hip restaurant
that's opening tomorrow

out in Greenpoint, near you.

- It's close by.
- You know what?

They're having this tasting.
It starts around 5:00.

It's all organic game...

Rabbits that have been
shot naturally in the woods,

that sort of thing.
Why don't you come with me?

It'd be perfect.

It's a very young crowd.
You could help me fit in.

Hi, guys.

I really like your board.

I'm something of a collector.

Is there any chance
you might want to sell it?

Are you that dude
that's been asking about me?

You from the school or something?

No, I don't go to any school.
I haven't been asking about you, no.

You sure?
'Cause some kids told me

that a dude with a big nose
wanted to know where I hang out.

That's not you?

A dude with a big nose
is not me, my friend.

No, it must be somebody else.
I'm just interested in your board.

- Would you sell it for 20 bucks?
- Get out of here. I don't known you.

I don't want to know you, all right?

50 bucks?
How much?

How about my fist in your face?
How about that?

I don't think
I can afford that right now.

So thank you very much
and keep on skatin'.

All right.

Can you get Leah's car and meet me?

It's fun sitting here.
I still think

it's weird to pretend that
you're a private detective.

It's not pretending. Come on,
you're always drawing superheroes.

This is your chance to be one.

What is she paying us?

Sorry, there's no money.
I'm doing this on pro bono.

- I made out with her.
- What? Are you crazy?

That girl's half nuts.

I can't charge her now.
I'm taking her out for a drink tonight.

Did she at least take her shirt off?

No, we just made out,
but it was pretty amazing.

We have chemistry
or something, I don't know.

Maybe she could be my new Suzanne.
It is a little scary that she has a kid,

but Leah has kids
and you have been together for a while.

Yeah, but that is terrible.
Those kids pay me no respect.

They call me fat and hairy.

You know, they could lose
a few pounds themselves.

Kids. I'm not cut out
to be a surrogate dad.

But you're giving your sperm
to Lisa and Michelle.

Because I don't have to do anything.

I just signed a paper.
I have no rights as a father.

- Why are you doing it then?
- I don't know.

I was flattered.
But they're draining the hell out of me.

They wanted four doses
in the last two days.

Oh, shit.
Did you see that?

Now he's gonna try that again
and he keeps screwing up.

So this time I'm gonna run out
and grab that skateboard.

While I'm doing that
take the car around to the corner

and pick me up.
We'll make our getaway.

You shouldn't do this.

Kids like that used to beat you up
and I bet you they still can.

There he goes.
Meet me on the corner.

Fuck.

Open up. Open the door.
Push the button.

I'm opening it.
I'm hitting the button.

Push the button.

Go go.

Open the door.

Get back here!

Come on, get in, get in.

I was getting worried
you wouldn't show.

- I'm sorry.
- Get in.

Now what's with the skateboard?
I don't want you looking that young.

I had to pick this up
for that woman that I met. I was...

It's a long story.

So what do you think?

Is the outfit youthful?

Well, a little...

- The beret.
- Yeah, you're right.

I have never seen you so nervous
about a woman before.

I know. It's the first unabashed crush
I've had in years...

She's bright, she's beautiful,

the whole armpit madness.

Do you have any dope?

Steven, we're gonna smoke pot back here.
Is that all right with you?

That's fine, Mr. Christopher.

I'm very excited to see her.

Do I smell like dope?

I can't tell. I was in the car with you.
My nose is full of pot smell.

Are we too stoned?

My feet feel really
interesting in my shoes.

We might be,

but we'll get you a drink
and stabilize.

George Christopher.

God, these people are young.

But this is exciting, right?

Brooklyn's exciting.
It's the new Manhattan.

I may have to move to Brooklyn.

If Brooklyn is the new Manhattan,
what's Manhattan?

Manhattan's the new Queens.

And Queens is the new Brooklyn.

And Brooklyn is...
Here she comes.

Mr. Christopher,
what are you doing here?

Truth is, I saw
a listing of your opening

in the food section of my own magazine
and I thought I'd just pop in.

Well, that's so nice of you.
Is your food writer here?

Yes, Jonathan
is one of our best writers

and he's going to cover the opening
and give it a big spread.

Sorry, I'm a big hugger,
Mr. Christopher.

- I do it when I get nervous.
- Hugs are good.

I'd better go see how the chef's doing.
She's prepared an incredible

slow-roasted polder
side farms organic pig

that will be served
in a gribiche sauce

and garnished with
wild pheasant egg yoke and seckel pears.

God, that sounds amazing.

I have a really profound hunger.

Well, I think that went well enough.

I don't think she could
tell we were stoned.

Calling me "Mr. Christopher"
is not that promising,

but the hug...
The hug was a good sign, right?

I mean, women don't touch
you if they don't like you.

She seemed great.

Maybe Emily would show us
the kitchen.

It wouldn't be a bad idea for us
to know where the fire exits are, right?

Here comes the pig.

When I was 13 years old

I first had foie gras

and it absolutely transported me
to another dimension.

And since then it has been my dream

to make food that would
change your life.

So...

That's 'cause of you, big nose.

To the chef.

George, I'm so sorry.
I'm really so sorry.

What exactly happened back there?

I mean, who were those kids?

Well, they're just some kids
from my neighborhood.

And it's kind of a long story,

but in a nutshell, they don't like me
and they pick on me.

You're 30 years old, Jonathan.

I know. Is there anything I can do
to make this up to you?

- I'm so sorry that Emily is upset.
- I'm dropping the whole Emily thing.

I can't date a woman 30 years
younger than myself.

What the hell was I thinking?

20 years is a good cutoff.

- That's more reasonable.
- Very reasonable.

- Or 25. That's not bad either.
- 25 also good, George.

- Get in.
- Okay.

Could you drop me off somewhere?

I got David's skateboard back.

And we're going for a drink, right?

No, I can't.
I'm sorry.

David is having terrible allergies.

He ate some gluten at school today

and his wrists are definitely
a little bit swollen.

And I think I should tell you

that David is not comfortable
with me dating anyone just yet.

And we're a team.
We're a beautiful unit.

I don't want to upset him.

But thank you for this.

I hope it wasn't too hard.
David will be thrilled.

You're welcome.

I really have to put
some ice on his wrists.

Maybe in a few weeks...

I'll call you.

Hey, big nose!

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