Original subtitles

Tell them what my biggest is?

Being hit by a block of frozen piss.

Frozen blocks of piss are the biggest silent killer known to man.

When you go into the aeroplane now you have a little wee-wee.

That wee-wee goes into an unpressurised compartment.

What temperature is it in there?

- It's like minus 50. - Minus 50.

So the wee-wee freezes now.

This one time that compartment on the aeroplane blew up, all right,

and this frozen block of piss comes hurtling towards planet earth...

Bap! Hits this tractor man sitting on his tractor, dead.

- I mean dead, innit? - Totally dead from the piss.

Properly, properly dead you understand? What happens next?

- Er, the piss melts. - The piss melts

so the federales turn up now thinking,

"Rah, what's happened to this guy?"

You know what happened? They thought it was death by piss,

you understand what I'm saying? Thought he'd raggo pissed himself to death.

It was a crazy situation. Bruv, are you listening?

- Yeah. - I've completely forgot what I was saying.

? No doubt about it ?

? I'm on my way ?

? Taking over ?

? I'm here to stay ?

? We're teaming together ?

? That's what I say ?

? One way to do this? ?

? Taking over today ?

? We're taking over ?

? We're taking over today! ?

Subtitles by explosiveskull

In the modern era it's not enough for an organisation to perform

competently, it also has to maintain an active social media profile.

Northend Airport is no different.

Now I need somebody to take over our Twitter account.

We haven't done a tweet for two years and the last one said,

"Northend Airport Twitter account

"now live hashtag up and running."

- A good tweet. - Yeah, we need to up our game.

So who's going to volunteer?

Tariq, why don't you do it?

Er, why don't you do it?

Oh, I can't do it I'm not allowed on social media.

Why?

Because my daughter says if I go on Twitter

she'll kill herself.

Is that not...?

OK, Clive. Sure, thank you.

Great, do I get a work phone?

- No. - Like a badge, or a sash?

- No. - That's a hard no?

Yeah.

Now, it's time for our annual inspection

and the bad news is it's Mary Parfitt.

(THEY GROAN)

Yep, so I'm not dealing with her on my own, I need somebody to help me.

So on your feet everyone, let's draw straws.

Sorry I'm late.

Or not

I'm not late.

I'm never late.

This morning I was late because I was helping my neighbour out because

she lost her cat and I thought it's fine, you know, cos I'll get good

karma, but then...

(SHE SIGHS)

Karma's bullshit.

Having willingly volunteered, Agent Church heads to Proctor' office

to discuss the best qualities of the imminent inspector Mary Parfitt.

She's not that bad. She's not...

- She's not that bad? No. - Yeah.

She's not that bad.

Meanwhile Agent Brodie appears restless.

It seems he has something to discuss with Agent Mansoor.

All right, Tariq?

Hey, man.

What did you get up to last night?

Nothing much just a bit of Netflix.

- Netflix, cool. - Yeah.

Netflix and chill?

(HE SIGHS)

- What about you, Grant? - Funny you should ask actually.

Erm, yeah, a little bit of development in the old arena

- of love. - You've finally been right swiped?

Bit of, yeah? No, erm.

Last night I was, erm...

I was feeling a wee bit lonely and don't judge me on this, erm,

but I called Dasher.

Remember Dasher? My ex-girlfriend who moved back to the Ukraine?

Yeah, silly I know.

Anyway, turns out she's moved out, this girl Katja lives at the flat.

We got talking, right, turns out that we've got loads in common.

Like we've both the same star sign, we've both got brothers.

We were talking for ages.

I'm happy. I'm happy for you, man.

Thanks. What's with you and these Ukrainians, eh?

Cooking with wine Tariq, you know?

Cooking with wine.

Meanwhile, during an unusually quiet period at passport control,

Agent Hassler gets to grips with his Twitter responsibilities.

I did feel kind of nervous at first, you know.

The first tweet is a big responsibility.

I tweeted, erm...

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Passport control at Northend Airport.

"Doors functioning properly at Northend Airport Passport Control.

"Lovely.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"This is the breakfast of a border guard when they're on

"passport control at Northend Airport.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"This is the uniform that I wear.

"I'm Clive'.

"This is the stamp that we use at passport control,

"Northend Airport, hashtag stamp."

(CLEARS THROAT)

"This is the reserve that we use

"when the first stamp runs out

"hashtag stamp."

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Is this a new carpet at Northend Airport?

"No, it's the same carpet,

"hashtag new."

Teamwork, no man is an island.

Yeah, I know. No man left behind.

In the office, Proctor and Agent Church make last minute preparations

for the arrival of inspector Mary Parfitt.

Mary! Hi!

Thank you so much for coming, lovely to see you again.

That's great, I'll just pop this, erm...

I'll just pop this up here if that's OK?

Erm, you remember my colleague, Andy Church?

No, hi.

Can I get you a tea or coffee?

I don't drink...

...anything.

So how was your trip here today?

Traffic?

I took the train.

- Great. Perfect. - All the way here.

Yeah, so where would you like to begin, Mary?

- Arrivals? - Departures.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(BLOWS WHISTLE AGAIN)

Mary Parfitt coming to do the inspection is really bad news for us

because she is a stickler.

I have a bit of a complicated relationship with authority figures.

Most of me is like, "Oh, please, give me a brownie badge.

"Please approve of me," and then another part of me is like,

"What's the point we're all going to die!"

Back downstairs, baggage handlers Mo and Suj have warmed to their theme

of frozen objects falling from aeroplanes.

There's a chicken as well.

That's an urban myth forward slash bullshit.

You know your problem, yeah?

You, my friend, are too naive bruv, yeah.

Think about it, scientifically,

if a frozen chicken now has fallen out the aeroplane.

- Yeah. - It's going to shatter on impact.

- It'd bounce. - Shatter.

- It'd bounce. - It's going to shatter.

Camera, can you tell him... Where are you going?

I'm going to get a frozen chicken and prove it.

Meanwhile Agent Brodie pays a visit to Agent Mansoor

to discuss a private, sensitive matter.

Look at that.

Dude, not here, you're not really allowed to...

- No, I don't want to look. - That's Katja.

Oh, OK.

- OK. - She sent me that last night.

Yeah, yeah she seems, er,

- generous. Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey...

So that is, erm, sexting right?

- Quite a common thing, eh? - Yeah.

- Like everyone does it, yeah? - Everyone, yeah.

Do you do it?

I have done, yeah.

What should I do?

You know what do some pull ups first, get a bit like toned

and then just wear something that sticks to.

Oil up?

You know, if you're comfortable with that. Yeah?

Yeah? You know what keep it simple yeah, just all the buttons

undone and just all the attentions there.

- I get it. - Yeah?

- I get it. - OK.

I totally get it.

At passport control Agent Hassler is beginning to enjoy his burgeoning

carrier as a social media guru.

I got some, er... I got some replies to my tweets.

Let's see what we've got,

see what the general public thinks.

OK.

Er, wow that's, er, your opinion

and you've spelt it wrong.

No, I will not suck what you're saying because...

OK, well, this person agrees with the first person.

Erm...

Yeah, a lot of them are focusing in on the forehead...

...which, er, I can't help

the way that I look.

It's just, er...

No, I'm not reading that one.

I'm not reading any more, thank you.

One, two, three...

But there's no time to bask in his success.

Things get serious when Mary Parfitt arrives for her rigorous inspection.

143.

I get brought in to quick fix all of the broken bits.

But I can confirm that there has been a significant and creative push

towards an explicit

and lasting integrated sourcing strategy.

Faster, faster,

faster, faster, faster.

Come on.

Right!

Undergoing such a thorough inspection has been stressful for

all the agents, but happily for them as the working day ends

so does Mary Parfitt's time at Northend.

That's just about everything and we look

forward to seeing you again next year.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? You want to come back again tomorrow?

- Shouldn't I? - Well, no, it's just...

Is there anything wrong?

- Is there? - Erm, no,

that's.... No, that's...

It's just tomorrow I've got some really important meetings

but Miss Church here can take care of you.

I'm on the early tomorrow.

It's OK I'll cover that.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

So, er where are you staying?

- Hotel. - Hotel,

right, yes, I thought it might be a hotel.

Did you think, Andy, that it might be a hotel?

Yeah. Hotel was my first guess, yeah.

Can we... can we get you a lift?

- Oh, I was going to say cab. - Oh, Andy will be happy to take you.

I haven't got my car here.

- Take mine. - OK.

First session done for the day.

Erm, 15 new followers, erm, blocked 68,

erm, liked three and erm, followed one.

Katy Perry.

? We're taking over today ?

? We're taking over today ?

Well, do the ting then go on.

- Science. - Let's see wagwan.

I'm so sure, hundred billion billion% sure it's going to shatter.

- Go on throw the ting! - Do you want to watch some science?

Yeah, I want to watch, I know it's going to shatt...

Science.

Having passed on his sage words of advice Agent Mansoor is

slightly concerned that he may have steered Agent Brody way out of his

comfort zone.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

- So did you? - Oh, yeah like yeah, we had like,

like a real back and forth you know.

I went for it, yeah, like, I sent her a picture of my cock.

And then of my balls.

- Pretty much going out now so. - Whoa.

That's 0 to 60, Grant, 0 to 60, eh?

- Yeah. - That's good.

You know it's like,

- like she gets me. - Yeah.

Having discovered that he may be somewhat out of his depth as the

Twitter voice of Northend Airport,

Agent Hassler quietly seeks help away from the office.

- Ding dong. - Oh!

- Hi, Clive! - Hey!

C to the L to the I to the vizzle,

- what you saying my brother? - Hey, man.

You all right, yeah?

- You all right? - Afternoon. Er, Mo, are you on Twitter?

Yeah, Suj, are we on?

Yeah, we're on Twitter.

I've been doing these tweets all day, all morning,

and people have just been have been really mean about them.

Oh, that's not nice.

And saying they're boring,

and saying things about me and my appearance and my forehead and just...

I don't know I just thought maybe, is there something I'm doing wrong?

Listen, Twitter is a simple exercise all right.

It's about blue ticks, it's about sex, it's about violence.

Blue ticks are hard to get hold of and I don't want to see you two have

sex on camera so we could stage a fight right now.

Put that on Twitter that'll be loads of re-tweets, come.

Yeah, I'll fight you.

Fight, all right.

Oh, no, actually it has to be about the airport.

Oh, OK.

- Cos it's the Northend twitter account. - That's easy just make it up,

just write anything. "Northend Airport,

"Britain's most popular regional airport" just tweet that.

That's a good tweet. That's a good fake tweet.

Fake tweet?

- Yeah. - You can do that?

- Someone already liked it. - That's what I'm saying.

Let me show you how it's done, yeah?

"Huge drugs bust at Northend's Airport." Tweet that. There you go.

- Say no more, Clivey. - Yeah.

Don't record this bit, bossman, yeah?

- Take them pants for me? - Mary Parfitt has returned for her second

inspection day but Proctor is mysteriously nowhere to be found.

Luckily Agent Church is able to share her extensive expertise.

We also have some doors leading off it.

Doors allow us to gain access into the rooms.

Originally actually the airport was built without doors but we found it

too difficult to get into any of the rooms.

Back in the office Agent

Mansoor is concerned that Agent Brodie seems a little preoccupied.

- What's up, man? - Oh, man...

I don't think it's going to work out with Katja.

- Sure man, long distance. - No, man, she's blackmailing me.

So her and like this guy, this guy Vladimir, I think he's behind this.

Behind what?

They want five grand or they're going to post my cock online.

OK.

- And my balls. - Oh, dear.

OK. Schoolboy error you don't show your face in those pictures and you

don't wear your uniform either.

On the plus side he's got the biggest dick I've ever seen.

We might have to get the police involved.

Don't reply, just don't use that number any more.

No, no, no, Tariq. I don't. How am I going to get her back?

What? No, no, mate, you...

- Thank you, Tariq, thank you. - OK.

Er, that's a radiator,

we use that mainly in the winter which we see a dip in temperature.

That's a door,

orange door. That's a double yellow door.

The colours don't mean anything.

And this is baggage handling where we load the luggage onto the trollies...

(SHOUTING)

That's Mo and Suj throwing chickens...

The thing is...

This is an extractor fan.

It did shatter a bit,

that's a piece of shatter there, look!

- That's ice. - Can you see the shatter?

- That's a bit of ice. - Shatter, shatter there.

Growing increasingly concerned,

Agent Mansoor checks in on Agent Brodie for an update on the Katja situation.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

So you've closed it down?

Yeah, you're laying low?

I tried to close it down like, I asked her to stop blackmailing me.

OK.

- But then I did it again. - Did what again?

- Sent another photo? - Yeah.

- Yeah, OK. - Um, I just you know...

Why, man?

Cos we got chatting and you know she's like,

she made me laugh and she's funny and she gets me and I just thought

- that we were back on track again. - Oh, Grant man, no.

But I think I know what I'm going to do,

- I'm just going to pay. - Five grand?

- Yeah. - You've just got five grand to pay?

- No. - They're going to come back for more.

For more?

Yeah, that's what's going to happen, you know that?

- Well, I want her to come back for more. - No, mate.

- It's a scam, mate. - It's a scam.

Yeah, what if your mum sees it?

- Did you think about that? - My mum, no.

- My mum? - You can't get rid of this stuff online.

- Oh, man, I'm... - That's it. OK,

are you going to send another?

- Maybe, take that just in case. - Thanks.

At passport control Agent Hassler is about to discover that openly lying

on Twitter has consequences.

Clive.

"Big drugs bust at Northend Airport.

"Keeping drugs and bad people out MNGA?"

Yeah, it's Make Northend Great Again just like with the...

It's just lie after lie.

"Border agent to get new shout out on new Stormzy track." Who's Stormzy?

- I think it's jazz. - It's just not good enough, Clive.

I'm going to have to take control of Twitter again. Not only that but it

seems that Mary Parfitt has seen them too.

Lead to the collapse of the Romanov Dynasty in Russia...

Who's running your Twitter account?

You've been hiding your light under a bushel, hey?

If it hadn't been for Twitter I wouldn't have

known about all of these accomplishments.

Hey, why didn't you tell me?

- Oh, well, I don't like to... - Where's that bushel?

Where's the bushel?

Wow! So pumped!

- Good. - It's great.

Do you want to go for lunch then?

Yeah! Famished!

Come on.

As a delighted Mary Parfitt takes Proctor for lunch, Agent Hassler

knows it's a job well done.

I'm not 100% sure but I think I just saved Twitter.

But later Agent Brodie's body language is so obviously deflated

that despite her sudden change of fortune even Proctor notices.

Tariq what's up with Grant?

Grant's being blackmailed?

How?

Oh, God! God!

No, no, no, no, don't enlarge it!

As Proctor deletes the offending picture immediately after a few minutes,

the team at passport control make use of a rare

quiet period to hone their professional skills.

Come on!

Later on in the office a brooding Agent Brodie approaches

Agent Mansoor's desk with an extremely unique problem.

Tariq. Yeah.

Somebody's got hold of my cock and they've tweeted it.

What?

Did you tweet my cock?

Mate. I definitely didn't tweet your cock, no, Jesus.

Yeah, you think I'd be pretty mad about the whole situation but I'm

actually feeling pretty liberated cos now she's got nothing on me.

- Oh. Thank God, man. - Someone's put my cock out there.

Oh, OK.

It's like my Colin Farrell sex tape.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've got one!

- You've got a sex tape now. - Yeah,

- maybe one day you'll have one. - Oh, no.

Maybe.

It'll come out in the wash.

We knew it was him because you can't get staplers

- that size any more. - No!

As the annual inspection comes to an end,

the success of the Northend Airport Twitter profile has made Mary

Parfitt's day, leaving her and Proctor on glowing terms.

(BLEEPING)

Oops!

It was me,

I accidently tweeted a cock.

That's a sentence I didn't think I'd be saying today,

or ever.

- Here at Northend Airport we like to... - Tweet cocks?

Hi.

24 likes.

So, they've passed and

I can confirm that.

And with this I will, erm,

take it to head office...

all the way.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

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