Original subtitles

-Clive. -Yeah.

You know that's fake, right?

Yep.

But it's good to... keep up the pretence.

To who?

To whom?

-Do you want me to get a tissue? -You got a tissue, yeah, cos...

I think I've got one here from yesterday.

? No doubt about it ?

? I'm on my way ?

? Taking over ?

? I'm here to sta-ay-ay ?

? We're teaming together ?

? That's what I say-ay-ay ?

? One way to do this ?

? Taking over today! ?

? We're taking over ?

? We're taking over today ?

[phone rings]

Northend Airport, Border Agency, can I help you?

The border agents at Northend are trained to handle anything.

I'm sorry, what?

At this morning's briefing however,

sombre news will put even their professional capabilities

to the test.

Today, Northend will see the repatriation

of two deceased citizens -

Henry Brayford and Norman Richardson.

Their coffins will be received by their family members.

Needless to say, this is a time for sobriety and respect.

Do you know how they died, Linda?

-Is that important? -It could be interesting.

You know? Maybe one of them was walking along the beach

-and a coconut fell on his head and he died. -Yeah!

-Or it was a shark or a bee. -Yeah.

-Or a fork, or a... -Or, like, some kind of tropical disease.

Like Zika or bilharzia.

[laughs]

Bill...

Bill Harzia!

[Grant chuckles] It sounds like a name.

-[Clive and Grant laugh] -It does sound like a name.

-Er, disease, Bill Harzia. -"Morning, Bill!"

[laughs] Yeah! "Oh, Mr Harzia, how's it going?"

"Oh, you're an actor?"

"Yeah. I'm very famous, actually. I live in America."

[he chuckles] "Cos I'm Bill Harzia."

Hey, stay out of my blood, Bill.

[Grant] "Oh, the detective, Bill Harzia." You know?

OK, have you finished?

Thank you.

Obviously, I'm going to need somebody to

help me at looking after the relatives

and I thought, Andy, you might step up for that?

Oh, no, I think it would be best if it wasn't me.

Great! Thank you very much. That's it, everyone, back to work.

[Andy] Oh, I'm just not very good at dealing with

very emotional people. You know, like, people who are grieving.

Just cos I have trouble expressing, um...

Er...

You know.

When you...

When you have an emotion, whatever that's called.

Mr Richardson, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Under increasing pressure Agent Church needs to practise having emotions.

-Not convinced. I'm... No. -What is it?

-What's wrong with it? -It's very robotic. Try a head tilt.

-I think that, you know... -Thank you, OK.

[Tariq] Softer side.

Mr Richardson, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

-[laughs] -It was weird, wasn't it?

Think of someone you've lost. Dig deep. There's gotta be...

-Lit... My dog died. -Mm, that's perfect.

-Just think about that and then combine it with words. -Really?

[false sobs]

[false sobs]

-Er, do you want me to come with you? -Yeah, that would be great.

-You alright? -[false sobs]

It's for everyone's benefit that I don't do the job that I've been asked.

Unless I can use some stock phrases that I have, which are:

At least they passed away peacefully in their sleep.

At least they had a good innings. That's for pets.

And...there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Sorry, that one's actually for break-ups,

so I don't know how that's got in there. You know I can't say,

"There are plenty more dads in the sea." Could I?!

Could I say that?

No! I couldn't.

The repatriation of the bodies

is not the only life-and-death issue facing the agents today.

At passport control, Agent Hassler needs help with an urgent matter.

-Grant, can I ask a favour? -Er, yeah.

Great. OK, I'm trying to pick a new ringtone and I just...

-I don't know what I'm doing. I just can't get it right. -OK.

Yeah, so at the moment I've got this...

[Big Ben chiming ringtone]

Yeah, so that's what I thought. And then, like, I've got this...

[old-fashioned motor horn honks ringtone]

[chuckles] Do that again.

[old-fashioned motor horn honks ringtone]

Nah, let me try and help you out here.

[wind chime ringtone]

-It's very calming. -Isn't that nice?

The ringtone emergency is just the tip of the iceberg.

Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have called Proctor down from the office

to deal with yet another pressing issue.

Wagwan, fam?

-Can you not do that, please? -Sorry. What are you doing?

Breathe that in, smell that in. [coughs]

-That stinks! -It literally stinks.

Literally honks up in here, you understand?

You are not supposed to be doing this. This is not your job.

You're supposed to be delivering the luggage, not rifling through it.

Me and Suj are the first line of defence, you understand?

If we're not vigilant, we wouldn't have stopped that bomb in the luggage.

Alarm clock.

-Yeah, it was an alarm clock. -Well, in any case,

can you please stop rifling through the bags

and just deliver the luggage? Thank you.

Could have been a bomb though. Ah, Procts, Procts!

Before you go, yeah?

We heard on the rumour mill now, right,

that there might be a little something coming in somebody's baggage.

Someone might be smuggling something. What might they be smuggling, Suji?

-Weed? -Weed.

All you understand now, yeah?

This one time, some clever guy, you know,

smuggled marijuana

inside a giant sculpture of marijuana.

And it's like from Inception and that, innit?

A dream inside a dream, a weed inside the weed.

Brad Pitt and all them, I big up them, you know what I'm saying?

Amazing. I went to...

Who you get that teddy from?

It was... It just came out of the baggage.

Check if there's any weed in it.

Please just deliver the baggage and no rifling!

She ain't even appreciative, man.

People are like that, yeah? Bruv, what is the smell though?

Er, well, I got rid of those two, so it could be any of these.

[motorbike revving ringtone]

I'm worried that those are only good because I'm doing the hand stuff.

I'm not gonna always going to be able to do the hand movements.

Maybe just put it on silent.

No one ever calls me anyway.

Oh, well...

You...

Oh, no!

Hey, Clive, it's, um, it's Grant here.

Your phone, it goes straight to answer machine,

so maybe people do call you.

I hope you find a really good ringtone. OK.

Bye now. It's Grant.

With the imminent arrival of the first coffin,

the agents start to feel a little subdued.

Is your dog dying really the saddest thing that's ever happened to you?

Yeah. How about you?

I was with my grandfather when he died.

Oh, God, that's awful.

It was a privilege, you know, to be with someone

for their last moments of their journey.

It's very spiritual.

-[mumbles inaudibly] -What?

That's the first stiff arrived.

Oh, OK.

Alright.

Where did you get that?

-It's not from the bereavement hamper, is it? -Yeah.

As the coffin arrives, even the normally upbeat baggage handlers

are unusually reflective.

All roads lead to the same place, innit, Suj?

Yeah, except the B4517.

That is a very distasteful joke.

Goes to West Bromwich.

That's a full shit joke, actually. That's gonna go on TV.

If you're gonna do a joke, do a good one.

-Who's there? -Not him, he's dead.

As the first grieving relative, Mr Richardson, arrives

to collect his father's body,

it's a big moment for Agent Andy Church.

She's going to have to provide comfort and emotional support

and is extremely worried about how awkward it might be.

Hi, I'm Andy. And can I just say how sorry we are for your loss?

Oh, cheers, much appreciated.

And if I could just get a signature? To acknowledge the receipt of the body.

Sure. Bit weird this, isn't it, you know?

"Anything to declare?"

"Oh, my dead old man." There's no box to tick for that.

So, Tariq, we don't actually go through Customs, do we?

No, no, no, you have priority exiting privileges.

Andy's gonna take you the rest of the way.

Well, thank you for your time, Tariq. Nice doing business with you.

-Just follow me, thanks. -OK, thanks.

-Where exactly is he? -He's in baggage handling.

-He doesn't come through the carousel, does he? -No, we turn it off.

-We don't do that anymore. -OK.

At baggage handling, Mr Richardson continues

to take the difficult situation all in his stride.

My poor old man, eh? Drowned.

So, at least he died doing what he loved.

Swimming, was it?

No, having a bath. [laughs] I'm pulling your leg, darling!

I mean, you've gotta laugh or you cry, eh?

Yeah, that went OK, actually.

Yeah. I mean, maybe...

um, maybe I'm not that bad at emotions.

Never one to stand on ceremony, my old man.

OK, cheers. Thanks for your help, boys.

That was... That was fine.

-Yeah, it was good. -Yeah.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were, um...praying?

No, like... It's respect, innit?

Oh, sorry. I've not heard of that one before. Sorry.

Can't believe you do crochet, bro. Crochet is like for girls.

-Anyone can do it. -Are you sure? Aagh!

-Ooh! -Badilampudi!

-What are you doing? -Why would you do that?

I was going to scare you guys but then I fell asleep.

Fucking guy. Don't do that again!

It's a sombre day at Northend Airport,

as not one but two deceased British citizens are to be repatriated.

Agent Andy Church has been given the job

of liaising with the grieving relatives.

And, after the first attempt went surprisingly smoothly,

she's approaching the second one

with new-found, if possibly misplaced, confidence.

I actually experienced a bereavement myself once.

Um...

My dog.

I'm...so sorry for your loss.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, he was 14, so, you know, he'd had a good innings.

Ah! Well, my dad loved cricket.

Tariq actually experienced bereavement as well.

His grandfather died and he was with him.

You were...

-You were there? -Yeah.

I wasn't there for my dad.

I never got to say goodbye.

-Tissue? -Oh, thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Outside at baggage handling,

as the body of her father slowly emerges,

Valerie Brayford is overcome with grief.

The Northend staff do all they can to ease her pain.

Shall we take the coffin to the coffin car for you?

No, erm, could I...

Erm, could I see him?

I know it's a bit... I just... It's the last chance I'll get.

Of course, if that's what you want, then I don't see why not.

[Mo] Very, very good idea, yeah.

The way we do it is, like, the family sees the face

and it provides real closure and that, yeah.

You don't wanna be repressive like them olden-day white people.

-What they called? -Like the Victorians.

Victorians, come on.

Well, we could all learn so much from Hinduism.

Come on.

With utmost care and reverence,

Mo and Suj carefully open the Brayford coffin.

Um, yeah.

[Mo] Hoo!

Your dad like a little smoke, did he?

No! No, no, no, no! He was a vicar.

Vicar of where? Smokeyville?

-[Valerie sobs] -Unbelievable that.

Oh, she's crying and that, really.

-No, don't give her that. -No.

What do you mean there isn't a body?

On the plus side we have a major cannabis bust.

Is Miss Brayford secured?

Oh, no, no, no, it's not Miss Brayford.

-Definitely not Miss Brayford. -She asked to open the coffin.

Great defence! "It couldn't be my client, You Honour,

because she asked to open the coffin,

which means she can't possibly be trying to smuggle drugs."

Yeah, that's exactly what that means.

And after meeting Mr Richardson, we're confident that...

Hang on, that means that Mr Richardson has the Brayford body!

-That's what we're saying, yeah. -Oh, shit! Right!

Get the CCTV, get the numberplate and inform the police!

OK. Someone's been watching Prime Suspect.

Down at baggage handling...

She hasn't got indigestion. Her dad's dead, alright?

..despite the best efforts of the staff,

Valerie Brayford remains inconsolable.

Don't worry, your dad's in a better place now.

Where?

In the clouds smoking that Mary Jane.

She now faces a long, anxious wait till the team manage

to locate her father's body.

One of the agents needs to keep her company,

but as they're all busy, and none of them want to,

Proctor has to send in her last, desperate resort.

-Hi. -Agent Clive Hassler.

A nice...cup of tea.

Some biscuits.

That's on us, on the house. Erm...

Erm...

-Oh! -Nice cup of tea.

-I'll pour you a nice cup. -I'm sorry. I don't...

It's just been such a weird day.

I mean, I certainly never thought this would happen.

Me neither.

So, erm...

What happens next?

Er...

I... I don't know.

What do you...

want to happen?

-Well, I'd like to find my dad. -Yes.

Yes.

Do you know how he died?

Just... You don't have to say.

No, it was...

It was a massive suicide.

Just gonna have one of these.

Back at baggage handling, Proctor is letting her staff know

that she's a little disappointed.

"We've got this, Proc," you said.

"We're the first line of defence in this airport," you said.

And then what?!

You gave the wrong bloody body to a drug dealer!

Why didn't you even look?

I mean, you said no rifling.

Yeah, no rifling but you could have at least glanced in.

Next time, do me a favour and check.

-What in the coffins? -Yes, in the coffins!

-All the coffins? -[shouts] All of the coffins!!!

Just look in them all!!

-Urns? -What do you think?!!!

Upstairs, Agent Hassler appears to have been an unlikely success

in comforting the grieving Valerie Brayford,

even if his methods are somewhat unorthodox.

[tuneful ringtone]

[tuneful ringtone]

[quacking ringtone]

I think that's the one.

Eventually, Proctor is relieved to announce

the investigation is progressing nicely.

So we've found the Brayford body.

Police caught Mr Richardson on the way to West Bromwich, B4517.

Coffin was mislabelled. Cock-up at the Spanish end.

-Probably deliberate. [laughs] -Why?

-They hate us. -Do they?

Everyone hates us.

So I'm going to give Valerie the good news.

I should tell her, we have a special connection.

It's OK, Clive, I've got this.

-Honestly, you don't have to worry yourself. -Clive!

-I can do it! -I've...

-Good news! -We found your dad!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Thank you.

Under strict instructions from above,

Mo and Suj carefully check the coffin

to make sure it contains a dead Mr Brayford.

Oh! That's the dead guy. Leave it!

-It does. -Leave it!

-Goes to show though, doesn't it? -What?

You shouldn't leave anything unsaid in case you die suddenly.

-Let's go and pick him up. -Love you, innit?

-Yeah, alright. -Just this way.

Sensitive to the fact that Valerie Brayford has had

a long, traumatic day, Mo and Suj cleverly improvise a way

to transport the coffin to the waiting car

as quickly and smoothly as possible.

Finally, Valerie and her father can head home with dignity.

So, where are you off to now? Have you got far to go?

Derby.

That's not too bad. You should beat the rush.

As Valerie and Proctor make their sombre way to the car,

the rest of the agents can head home reflecting

on a long and difficult day.

Sort of brings it home, doesn't it?

-What? -You know, just life.

-Could be over any second. -Yeah.

Don't have any regrets. That's what my granddad told me.

Yeah, what is it they say? Don't regret the things you have done,

regret the things you haven't done.

[Grant laughs]

Bill Hazier.

[chuckles] Bill Hazier.

-It's just been in... -OK, night.

Tickling me. See you later.

-Bye. -[Grant chuckles]

-Bill Hazier. -[Tariq and Grant laugh]

That's good.

[laughs] See you later, Tariq.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Bill Hazier.

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