Original subtitles

-Hi, Grant. -Hi, Linda.

Er, Linda, can I have a raise?

I have it on good authority that you've been stamping passports

with a Wild Bean Caf� loyalty stamp. Is that true?

? No doubt about it ?

? I'm on my way ?

? Taking over ?

? I'm here to sta-ay-ay ?

? We're teaming together ?

? That's what I say-ay-ay ?

? One way to do this ?

? Taking over today! ?

? We're taking over ?

? We're taking over today ?

Sir, sorry to keep you waiting...

It's a big day today at Northend.

They have interviews for a new border agent.

Big day today at Northend.

We have interviews for a new border agent.

-Told you. -Some people absolutely hate

the interview process but I love it.

Gives me a chance to show them what I've got. [chuckles]

-Clive! -Hey! Hey!

I wasn't expecting to see you quite yet but, er, hi.

-Come here. -Good to see you.

Oh, yes.

It's just a formality. They have to interview

everyone and do it properly, erm... but...

I'm pretty confident.

It's just nice to be back in the building and...

I'm a visitor this time.

But, er...

I might keep this thing for when I get my real badge back.

-Clive Hassler? -Mmm.

But you can just call me Mr Hassler.

-[he laughs] -Right.

OK, so it says on your CV that you have previous experience

as a border agent. Can you tell me a bit about that?

Erm, yeah, it was terrible.

[laughs] Er, I hated it.

[laughs] Erm, cos it was boring,

and, er, stupid,

and my boss was this crazy woman. [laughs]

So why did you leave the police force?

Do you know the real answer?

Can I...

have the gun?

-Please? -No.

But it's my gun!

It was the thing about the gun, yeah.

So, listen, Clive, if it was up to me, I would let you start back today.

-Great. Thank you. -But... Er, no.

But you have to go online and fill in an official application form.

Ah, er, really?

Just cos last time I just did an interview.

But, you know, things have changed, times move on,

-more checks these days. -OK, got it.

More checks. I understand. Well, I'll go and do that.

-Alright? -Cool. I know you're not, erm...

probably not supposed to say but what are my chances?

Just fill in the application form, Clive, OK?

Sounds like a cricket.

While Clive hopes to get his old job back,

two of the airports current employees, baggage handlers

Mo Khan and Sujan Stevens, are hard at work.

Suj, you know, yeah? Your wife's good stuff is the goods.

-I mean, like... -Are you gonna eat it all?

Of course I'm gonna eat it all. Did I win the bet?

-Yes. -That means I eat it all. You know the rules, baby.

But on a positive note, bruv,

you never have to buy packed lunch cos of this, innit?

Well, you gotta save the pennies, haven't you?

Cos of the pension cuts coming up, innit?

-It just got announced. -Pension cuts?!

Classic management trick, yeah?

Making changes without informing us.

Er, they emailed us.

Double classic management trick, yeah?

Informing us using a system they very well know we don't use now.

I'm strictly Snapchat. I only use Snapchat.

Er, I still use email.

Do ya? It's cos girls don't like opening the laptop,

attaching nude pictures of themselves and sending the emails.

Snapchat's like... Wow! Bam! There's my pum and that. You understand?

So Snapchat's me.

I still use email.

Although Proctor briefs the team every morning,

occasionally circumstances dictate

she has to call them together at short notice.

OK, so I've called this emergency meeting. Clive?

Clive, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd sit in ahead of coming back full-time.

-Are you? -Clive, Clive!

There hasn't been a decision yet.

Oh, yeah.

-OK, yeah, sorry. -Yeah.

-Thank you. -Good luck with the...

whatever the emergency is.

I'm not supposed to know!

Off you go.

Now, Ebola.

There has been a resurgence of the Ebola virus,

so we need to be particularly careful with passengers

arriving from Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone.

-Just those countries? -At the moment, yes.

OK, but isn't that going to make us appear a bit prejudiced?

They're all African countries?

Well, that's where the Ebola outbreak is--

Yes, I realise that, I just think--

I know what you're trying to do here, Andy.

Trying to impress a certain someone.

Yeah, yeah, people do keep going on about that thing.

But, you know, lots of things happened a year ago.

Grant broke his pinky, but it healed and then we don't bang on about it...

all the time.

We're looking for unsteady on the feet, disoriented,

-high temperature. -Oh, how do you check for high temperature then?

It's not like we can just shove a thermometer up their backside

while they wait in line, is it?

Oh, welcome to the UK. Voop!

-Thank you. -[whistles]

-OK, thank you. -[clicks]

OK, meeting over. Thanks very much.

-[they laugh] -Erm, Tariq, Andy.

-Can I have a quick word? -[whistles]

[clicks]

[whistles]

-Workplace romances. -Oh, no!

Now, I know where you're coming from, I get it.

I've been chased round enough filing cabinets in my time.

-But it's inappropriate. -Say something, Tariq! Tell her.

Yeah, you've got it wrong, it's nothing...

I understand. I know how these things happen.

First, it's the longing glances over the desk.

Then you're noticing wherever he is in the room.

Before you know it, you're in the ladies' loo

with two in the pink and one in the stink.

-Oh, wow! -I draw the line there!

-I draw the line there! -Yeah, thank you.

Chief Inspector Proctor is not the only team member

able to handle tricky issues with such delicacy.

Charlotte...like the potato. Next!

Down at passport control, Agent Brodie is checking

the temperatures of arriving passengers

using a marginally less intrusive method

than the original suggestion.

Just, er...

I'm just going to... No, no, it's OK.

I just need to check your temperature.

And just like that. You're absolutely good to go.

Thank you. Next, please. Oh.

Grant, management has said we can't eat or drink anything

-ever again. -Did they?

No, they said they're cutting our pensions.

They said that as well.

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Well, you're the union rep, blood, so you know...

OK, so how did you know that?

When I volunteered to be union rep I thought it would be like

doing fun things like weekends away doing paintball

or crazy golf or singles darts.

But it's just not like that at all.

You think people are nice. It's a bit like Twitter, everyone's a cunt.

We need you to step up to the plate, baby. Now's your time to shine.

-We need a fire brand. -We need a fire bandit.

-Fire brand. -How about this, how about I speak to management about this?

-Natural-born fire band, bruv, you know. -Fire brand.

Fire band the shit out of them, yeah?

-Salaam-Alaikum. -My guy, you know. Look at this guy. Thank you, madam.

Fire brand! OK.

Ah, next. Thank you.

Ah...what a day.

Step forward, just a touch.

Ah, there we go, and...

So, Clive, thank you for your official application.

You're welcome.

Your psychometric test results, they're a bit, erm...

They're a bit off.

You've actually tested as a psychopath.

[laughs]

Really?

-Yeah. -[laughs] Wow.

In general, how do you deal with conflict?

Oh, erm, well, I close my eyes, count to ten and walk away.

But here you've written, "I would smash them in the face."

I would count to ten and then punch them in the face. [laughs]

It's a joke, a joke. I was trying to make you laugh.

Yeah, but the problem is, Clive, it's not just me reading these.

Oh, yeah. There are other people, very important people.

And also I'm being leant on from above, you know,

on the whole diversity issue.

I can be diverse. I can be diverse.

Can you? Can you be a woman?

[Clive] How did it go? Erm...

Er...

It's... It was good.

Clive, I'm really sorry but we've gone with someone else.

I'm sorry that I became a policeman.

Do you want a cuddle?

Yes.

She's made her decision,

but there's, you know, there's still...

Just gonna go home...

and work on being more diverse!

At Northend Airport, Agent Grant Brodie is having a difficult day.

As the union rep, he has to deal with complaints

about the upcoming pension cuts,

whilst as a border agent staying vigilant

for any arriving passengers showing symptoms

of the recent Africa Ebola outbreak.

Mr Martins, yeah. Sorry, it's a little thing, if you wouldn't mind...

Ah, yeah. Oh, how are you doing today?

Actually, I'm not feeling that great actually.

Are you a little disorientated, slightly unsteady on your feet?

A little.

And where is it you've travelled from?

-Sierra Leone. -Leone, OK. Sir, if you wouldn't mind stepping this way

and just coming with me?

-I haven't got much time. -Yeah, probably less than you actually think.

If you wouldn't mind coming this way, please?

[Andy] That can be more dangerous cos your hands can freeze.

So you'd have to wear gloves?

You can but when are you gonna find gloves if there's a fire?

-Yeah, and it would take a while to... -Yeah, exactly.

Ahem, ladies loo. Proctor is so awkward.

Oh, right, yeah. You wanna talk about that?

-No. -Cos I've actually spent all morning repressing that memory.

-That's smart. -Yeah.

I think that's, I think that's about it.

-I do actually need to go, so... -Yeah. No, go...

-Don't follow me in and fuck me. -No, er...

I won't. Not gonna do that.

Andy, I love her to bits.

She's really cool. We get on really well.

We're good mates. You know, some things just don't work out

the way you thought they would, but she's cool, I'm cool and... Yeah.

Following emergency protocol,

it's vital that Agent Brodie isolates

the suspected Ebola victim as soon as possible.

Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't fucking die on me, Mr Martin.

I don't know how to deal with, erm, fucking dead people.

Jesus Christ! Oh, I'm gonna have to...gonna have to...

Are you OK there, yeah? OK, don't go anywhere.

I'll be back very, very, very shortly.

Grant, where have you been? We've been looking everywhere for you, bruv!

Yeah, I'm having a little bit of a nightmare right now.

Yeah, everyone's having a nightmare, bruv. They've cut everything!

-We've lost flexible working. -Flexible's gone.

-Reduced holiday. -Holidays are gone now.

-No more final salary pension. -Final salary pension gone.

Do you know what? I'll speak to management in a little bit.

You have to give me a chance and I'll get back to you ASAP, OK?

[groans]

Feels like you're having a lickle pussy moment now.

No, no, no, I'm not having a lickle pussy moment, no.

Looks like a two, two pussy moments at the moment.

I'm not having a two, two pussy moment.

Three, three pussy moments.

There's no three, three pussy moment.

-[groaning] -Right, OK.

Who's the guy that saved Scotland?

-Oh, what, Mel Gibson? -Yes, Lethal Weapon guy.

I'm Lethal Weapon. I'm Mel Gibson. I'm just going to deal with...

-You're that guy? -Let's get out of here.

Let's get the fuck out of here, lightning!

Right out of here now, OK?

We are going on strike.

-[Linda] This is regrettable. -[Grant] I'm sorry.

I feel like a double agent. But we're cool?

-Yeah, oh, yeah. -Good.

Er, oh.

Erm, one more thing.

There's a guy in the hold. Er...

Mr Martin, er... I think he's got Ebola.

Agent Brodie's improvised picket line may be keeping the staff away from Ebola,

but as they don't know this, they seem slightly underwhelmed.

What is that now?

It's a brazier. You've got to have a brazier on a strike.

-That ain't no brazier! That's a bin. -It's a brazier.

-Think you'll find that's a bin. -It's a bin but there's a fire.

-Might be a brazier. -Thank you. It's a brazier.

Whoa, my sister! Where are you going?

Oh, I'm... I'm cold, so...

If you cross that line, that makes you a scab.

T, can you have a word with your girl, please?

-She's not my girlfriend. -That ain't what I heard.

Well, what you heard is wrong, so stop it.

It's what they said about Lady Di and Dodi as well, you understand?

-What a weird reference. -Grant, you're meant to be the fire brand here.

-Can you get like a chant going or something like that? -All right.

-Well, what would Bob Crow do? -You, back to the protest. Thank you.

[Grant] Together united, we'll never be divided!

[all] Together united, we'll never be divided.

-Oh! Oh! Oh! -Together united, we'll never be divided.

Together united, we'll never be divided.

-Feel the ting, T! -Together united, we'll never be divided.

Together united...

No, I don't have a problem with protests.

I've been on loads of marches. I just have to be a bit careful,

cos I can get a bit caught up in the moment.

-Hey, hey! -Ho, ho!

-Corporate greed! -Has got to go!

-Hey, hey! -Ho, ho!

-Corporate greed! -Has got to go!

-Hey, hey! -Ho, ho!

-Corporate greed! -Has got to go!

Rah, you know.

Is she bashing at everything she does like that, yeah?

-She's not my girlfriend. -I bet she wind on the cookie.

-No, she's not my girlfriend. -"Ah, Tariq!" Come on now, T.

Yeah, I think she does that as well.

Left alone and unaware of the serious medical situation,

Clive is desperate to be useful.

-Chief! Hi! -I don't have time for this at the moment, Clive.

My pass is for the whole day, but I heard there's a strike,

and I thought maybe I could help because I'm here.

I doubt that. We have a situation, a seriously ill man in holding.

Well, have you called an ambulance?

Yes. He'll be more than an hour. He'll probably be dead by then.

Actually, could you take him to hospital?

It would be my privilege.

Meanwhile, it's becoming clear to Agent Brodie

that he and his strike colleagues may not necessarily be on the same page.

-What do we want? -Pensions.

-And when do we want them? -65.

-Come on! What do we want? -Pensions.

-When do we want them? -I want mine now!

-When we're 65! -I want my pension now!

-Gimme my pension now! -You won't get anything.

-Is that not how it works? -You build up a pot.

I think if we all say "now", we might get them now.

-When do you want pensions? -When we're 65.

Back inside Proctor, like all good leaders,

knows when to delegate.

[groaning]

-Ebola? -Shh, shh!

-Why can't you take him? -I can't take him.

I'm running every department here today. I'm snowed under.

But I'll die. I don't even work here and I'm gonna die.

Has he stopped breathing? Oh, God! Don't tell me he's stopped breathing!

Ahh, we've got to get him to the hospital because...

because we have to do the right thing and...

That's what working at the border means.

It's about putting the welfare of people

before our own, er...

[mutters]

-475, 475. -Clive!

[groaning]

[all] Together united, we'll never be divided!

Together united, we'll never be divided!

Hi. I need your, I need your mask. Official business.

Well, I don't actually work here.

I'm unemployed at the moment, trying to get my old job.

I used to work here but they've given it to someone else.

Something to do with I didn't tick the form.

I just need one. That's great. Thank you.

[all] Together united, we'll never be divided!

-Oh, yeah! -Together united, we'll never be divided!

Together united, we'll never be divided!

Together united, we'll never be divided!

[groaning]

Without any access to proper protective clothing

or suitable transportation, Clive, nevertheless,

shows great initiative in his bid to rush Mr Martin

to hospital as soon as possible.

Together united, we'll never be divided!

Together united, we'll never be divided!

Together united, we'll never be divided!

[beeping]

Er, that guy, he, erm, he has Ebola, so...

Ah! Together united...

Telling Clive that he didn't have the job was, like,

punching a puppy repeatedly in the face.

But he showed real initiative today and I'm not a monster.

Maybe this outfit needs a Clive.

And he's already got the uniform, so...

-[Andy] You saved his life then? -[Clive] Yeah, I guess I did.

Saved his life. I saved someone's life! [laughs]

-[mobile ringtone] -Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's Proctor. Sorry.

Er, Chief?

Really?

Er, yeah, yeah, of course!

Of course. What? Now?

Yeah, OK, I'll be right there. Thank you.

Oh, my God! I got my job back!

[cheering]

[cheering and laughter]

-Scab! -What?

-Scab! -[all] Scab! Scab Scab! Scab!

Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab!

As a delighted Clive Hassler re-joins the borderline team,

he sheds some light on the mysterious Ebola victim.

Turns out it wasn't Ebola. Just food poisoning.

I can't tell you which airline, of course,

but, erm,

just avoid travelling on any...

Has someone changed my log-in?

It's not Sweetguy88 any more.

Sweetguy...

It's good for the team to be back together,

as the job vacancy has been occupied by its previous owner.

Though Clive may never know just how close he came

to getting his position filled by two surprising contenders.

-Hello, Proctor. -Wagwan, my G.

Yes, we're here about the job.

Oh, what as border agents?

[both] Yeah.

OK, well, it's quite hard work.

Can do that. Yeah, it's fine.

-Night shifts? -We can do that, yeah.

Dealing with the public. Strip and search, rectal examination.

Fuck that! I ain't doing no rectal examination.

I ain't putting my thumb in anybody's bum hole.

I'm telling you this now, Suji!

Suj!

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