All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s01e02 BoJack Hates the Troops.eng

Say when.

When.

Yeah, you'll
never guess who's here.

Think '90s.

No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin' Around.

No, I mean, he got a little fatter,

but it's definitely him.

He looks really sad. It's hilarious.

Get over here now.

I told you, I don't know where it is.

Don't put things in my
butt if you want them back.

And hold for Princess Carolyn, please.

Thanks, Laura.

♪ When you're walking alone ♪

♪ Because Jellicles are ♪
♪ And Jellicles do ♪

♪ Jellicles do and Jelli... ♪

BoJack, it's your favorite agent.

Yeah, some agent, you couldn't even get me

in the room for War Horse.

There were, like, ten horses in that movie.

I didn't need to be the warhorse.

Listen, dummy, I want to
make sure you're all set

for your first day with Diane tomorrow.

Is she gonna ask me a
bunch of personal questions?

The woman we're paying
to ghostwrite your memoir?

Yeah, probably.

Okay, all right, there's no need to get...

What, catty? Are you gonna say catty?

- I was not gonna say catty.
- Oh, what were you gonna say?

I was gonna say catty because you're a cat.

Goodbye, BoJack.

Laura, I know you're
listening. You got it, right?

Laura, do not respond
to him. Goodbye, BoJack.

She got it.

Oh, my God. Take another one.

Take another one.

Excuse me, I just wanted you to know

that you ruined someone
else's night tonight,

and I hope you have enough decency

to at least feel a little
bit crappy about it.

Excuse me?

I was actually already in a bad mood,

but I thought maybe for one night,

I could go out to a bar and
try to forget about myself,

but now because of you and your friends,

I feel more self-conscious than ever.

If we were bothering you so much,

why didn't you just leave?

Because I didn't think of
that, and now I feel stupid.

Look, I have a right to be here.

No!

Maybe because you're skinny
and maybe 'cause you're pretty,

you're used to getting away with things,

but I want you to know that your actions

have an effect on others, and I hate you,

and you are a horrible person,

and you not understanding
that you're a horrible person

doesn't make you less of a horrible person.

You think I'm pretty?

Well, that was another in a long series

of regrettable life choices.

What'd you say?

I was tweeting about all the
weird stuff you do in bed.

♪ ♪

- Good morning.
- Ah!

Why are you here?

I slept here.

Yeah, but why are you still here?

Breakfast.

That better not be my last Toaster Strudel.

No, there were three left.

Well, get out of here.

My memoirist is gonna show up soon,

and I don't need you...

- What's your name?
- Pam.

I don't need you Pam-ing up
the place when she gets here.

- Hey, BoJack.
- Ah! Why are you here?

- You told me to come at 9:00.
- That doesn't sound like me.

I have your email right
here.

"Diane, why don't you come
over Tuesday morning at 9:00?

Also, you should bring this email with you

because I might not remember
it because I just took

a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha.

Also, please don't put in my book

that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha.

I just use a small dose to
help me fall asleep at night

and then a much, much larger dose

to get me through the day.

Also, I'm drunk.

Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone.

Please don't put that in my book,

book, book, book 'em, dildo.

Does it taste like magenta in here?"

Then I think you fell
asleep on the keyboard

because it just says
the letter "B" 27 times.

That does sound like me.

Well, anyway, this is my businessperson...

Excuse me?

Here to help me with some business needs.

- All very above board.
- Uh, what'd you say?

No need to mention her in the book either,

unless it's a business book.

- Ha ha, classic BoJack.

Why are you here?

Oh, funny story, I'm
filming a reality show later,

so I thought I'd drop by with
the old tennis ball and chain.

That is neither funny nor a story

nor a reason for you to drop by.

Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag

about his reality show.

Get this, I am starring
in a pilot presentation

for a celebrity reality show.

It's pretty cutting edge, huh?

Yeah, if it's 2003.

Ha ha. Don't tell VH1 that.

Seriously, though, please
don't tell VH1 that.

We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly.

Get it?

- Because I'm Mr. Peanutbutter.
- Okay, who's jelly?

No, no, no. It's like a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.

It's wordplay.

You may have too forgiving a definition

of the word "wordplay."

Well, it's a working title.

Well, it could be working
harder, and that's wordplay.

How'd you even get in here?

Your roommate let us in.

Mi casa es su casa.

And that is the last
of the Toaster Strudels,

and now my morning is ruined.

Could you guys keep it down, okay?

I'm kind of on a date right now.

In America,

I am actually considered very handsome.

Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast,

and when I get back, I want
everyone out of my house

except for you and you and...

- Who are you again?
- The girl you had sex with.

Right. You definitely should
have already been gone.

I really shouldn't eat chocolate

'cause it can literally kill me.

Oh, I know.

- But I love chocolate.
- Story of my life.

Hey, excuse me.

Yes, I am BoJack Horseman,
star of Horsin' Around.

Yeah, okay, I don't care.

Those are my muffins.

I'm sorry, I... I don't understand.

Did you bring them into the store with you?

No, but I was going to buy them.

That's the last box,
and I had dibs on them.

Really? You had dibs?

Yeah, dibs.

I just put them down for a second

while I went to the bathroom.

Look, I don't even want the muffins.

I was just looking at
them, but I got to say,

if you put muffins down,
they're not your muffins.

So what, I was supposed to take them

into the bathroom with me?

You didn't even put the muffins in a cart.

You just left them out here.

Yeah, in the produce section.

Clearly, muffins aren't supposed
to be in the produce section.

That wasn't a sign to you that
maybe someone else had dibs?

Look, I don't want to get
into a whole thing here.

Then give me the muffins.

No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins.

You think that because
you're a pseudo-celebrity,

normal rules don't apply to you?

Pseudo? Would you say
that to Eric McCormack?

Look, I've had a rough
morning, so I don't need...

You've had a rough morning?

I spent the last ten months...

Hey!

Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya.

You're going to regret
this, BoJack Horseman.

Oh, really?

I'm gonna regret buying muffins?

What, have they got a lot
of saturated fat in them?

Oh, man, they do have
a lot of saturated fat.

Why'd I buy these?

Man, I really regret buying those muffins

and then eating them all on the drive home.

Well, my date with Ayako went really well.

Thanks for asking.

I specifically didn't ask,

and I'll thank you to respect

my total lack of interest
in your personal life.

She's hilarious.

I never met a girl who was so curious

about American bank routing numbers.

Still not interested.

Should we get started on the book?

What's your hurry?

What do you guys think I should get Ayako

for our 12-hour anniversary?

She wants a framed picture
of my mother's maiden name.

Okay, let's get to work.

Let's start at the beginning.

What was your childhood like?

- Normal.
- Normal?

Yeah, it was, uh, normal...
normal childhood stuff.

Here's your omelet.

I'm sorry it's not as good

as the omelets your secretary makes,

but then you're not married
to your secretary, are you?

Well, maybe if my secretary
also refused to get an abortion,

I would be.

Mommy, can I have an omelet?

You're the birthday boy.

Normal childhood,

and then just get right
into the big, famous part.

Look, if you're not ready
to talk, we can wait.

I am ready to talk.

Why wouldn't I want to
talk about my parents?

They're so normal. That's crazy.

You sound like a crazy person, not me.

Stop being so crazy, crazy.

Why are you calling me crazy?

Okay. Was your father...

Hold on, I got to take this. Hello?

Hey, BoJack, I've got
Princess Carolyn for you.

- It's urgent.
- Great, put her on.

Just a sec. I'll see if she's available.

♪ When you're walking alone ♪

♪ Because Jellicles are ♪
♪ And... ♪

BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now?

Great question.

Well, I didn't fall down on my remote,

randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea

while simultaneously crippling myself,

thus physically forcing
me to watch MSNBSea, so no.

No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now.

Yeah, well, Hamlet, you
might want to turn it on.

They're talking about you.

Ooh! Good things, I hope.

Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal,

a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan.

Welcome to the program, Neal.

Thank you, Tom.

Hey, I met this guy.

All Neal wanted when he got home...

and I emphasize, from Afghanistan...

was his favorite brand
of breakfast muffins.

When he went to the
supermarket and called dibs

on the last box...

Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

BoJack Horseman, from the
'90s sitcom Horsin' Around,

refused to respect my dibs.

Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?

Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party.

Oh, not the sneezing pic...

Why do they always use
the sneezing picture?

In the '90s, we laughed at your antics.

Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha,"

we chortled in rapturous glee.

But when you deny the dibs
called by our men and women

on the frontlines, that
is a sick joke, sir.

A sick, sick joke, indeed,

and you'll forgive me
if I chortle no longer,

for, to me, there is
nothing the least bit funny

about stealing a meal from
Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL.

Wait, wait, you stole
muffins from a Navy SEAL?

I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL.

I just thought he was
the regular kind of seal.

This is classic Hollywood elitism.

BoJack Horseman thinks
that because he was on TV,

that makes him better than everybody.

Well, guess what, BoJack, now I'm on TV,

so now I'm better than everybody!

That's right, Neal.

You didn't even have
dibs, you stupid sea cow.

You guys think I should call
in and set the record straight?

BoJack, these people feed off controversy.

If you dignify the story with a
response, it's just gonna fan...

I'm now receiving word

that we've got BoJack himself on the phone.

Sorry, stopped listening.

You were ramping up to a "yes," right?

BoJack, what you did today

was a slap in the face of America's heroes.

Will you apologize?

Okay, enough about America's heroes.

Can we talk about dibs?

Because he didn't even really have dibs.

If he had legitimate dibs...

Oh, I had dibs on the muffins.

I hid them in the produce section!

You left them totally out in the open.

That's hiding?

How did you
survive in Afghanistan?

Those are my muffins!

You give me back my muffins!

Hey, guess what, I can't give them back

'cause I ate them all, okay?

Dude.

Hold on, just to be
clear, since this morning,

you ate all the muffins?

Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting

because I have no
self-control and I hate myself.

Is that what you want to hear?

Neal, was it a small container of muffins,

like two to four muffins?

No, Tom, there were a
good deal more than that.

Can you remember exactly how
many muffins were in the box?

Yeah, there were exactly 12!

I ate 12 muffins, and
I didn't even want one!

There's your goddamn news story,

the mystery of my missing
goddamn self-respect!

How'd I come off?

Well, that went slightly
better than the worst

it could have possibly gone, so hooray?

It's not even about the muffins.

Everyone is just out to get me

because I'm famous and so well-adjusted.

Well, at least you've got some privacy.

My boyfriend's filming a
reality show at our house.

If I want to be alone,
I have to go to the roof

because it's the only place they
don't have insurance to film.

You go on the roof?

Yeah, just to get some work done.

Is that really weird?

No, it's adorable.

When I was a kid, I used
to climb onto the roof

with my dad and look at the stars.

What about you?

Were you close with your father?

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

What is this supposed to be, a lima bean?

It's a heart.

That's some shoddy craftsmanship, son.

- I tried my best.
- No, you didn't.

You slacked off and took the easy way out.

In this world, you can either

do things the easy way or the right way.

You take a boat from here to New York,

you gonna go around the
horn like a gentleman

or cut through the Panama Canal
like some kind of democrat?

Um, the canal?

You go around the horn
the way God intended!

Uneventful.

- What?
- What?

I asked if you were close with your father,

and you sat here in
silence for five minutes

and then said, "Uneventful."

You know what, this is a
really good conversation,

and I definitely want to keep having it,

but I just keep thinking
about the muffins thing,

so maybe we could put a pin in this

thorough deconstruction of my past,

so I can put that other thing

to bed before it spirals out of con...

I had dibs!

- My dibs were on those muffins!
- Your dibs were void!

I spent a year in Afghanistan
making America safer,

and this is the thanks I get?

Really, you, specifically,
made America safer?

Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree

that the troops are heroes.

I don't agree to that.

Maybe some of the troops are
heroes but not automatically.

I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks.

Most people are jerks already,

and it's not like giving a
jerk a gun and telling him

it's okay to kill people

suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

What?

Did you just say you
think the troops are jerks?

Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks.

No, no, no.

- The troops are jerks?
- Oh, God.

Most people are jerks already,

and it's not like giving a jerk a gun...

Hello?

Princess Carolyn needs to
talk to you immediately.

Great, put her on.

She's actually just
getting out of a meeting.

- Can you hold for a sec?
- You called me.

♪ When you're walking alone ♪

♪ Because Jellicles are ♪
♪ And Jellicles do ♪

Ugh.

♪ Jellicles would ♪
♪ And Jellicles can ♪

- BoJack.
- Ah!

I'm gonna level with you, honey.

This whole you hating the
troops thing is not great.

I don't hate the troops.

I just hate one specific troop.
I don't even hate him, really.

I just think that he's
wrong about the muffins.

I know, BoJack... just like always,

You're right, and everyone else is wrong.

But if you don't swallow your pride,

this is never gonna let up.

- I know you're stubborn...
- I'm not stubborn.

- I'm proud.
- That's kind of the same thing.

No, it's an important distinction.

Okay, fine. You're not stubborn.

But I'm about to tell you
something very important,

so I want you to listen carefully.

I'm getting another call.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold.

♪ When you're walking alone ♪

♪ Because Jellicles are ♪
♪ And Jellicles do ♪

It is now day three of the
great BoJack jerk-off...

Really?

That's the name we came up with for this?

Who came up with that? Was it Randy?

Did Randy come up with that?

Anyway, the former television actor

who hates our troops has not left his home

since his controversial remarks on Monday

about how he hates the troops.

BoJack Horseman makes me sick.

He voiced his opinion, even
though it was unpopular,

and that's the most cowardly
thing a person can do.

After we made love, he covered
himself in sheets like an Arab.

At this very moment,

Congress is voting on
a major education bill

that could completely restructure the...

Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

but we've got some big news
on the BoJack Horseman front.

It appears that BoJack's Lexus
is coming out of the garage.

This is very big news, indeed.

Any comment on BoJack's
controversial remarks this week?

Uh, nope.

So where are we going?

Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Whoa!

Jeez.

Ayako, hey, I need you to
get me three tickets to Kyoto.

_

_

_

_

_

Hey, I meant I was rich

because I have friends like George Bailey.

_

_

_

Hello?

Well, I'm out of ideas.

We can hide out at my
place while we make a plan.

Yeah, great, just get
me away from the cameras.

Do we really need to be filming this?

It's for my reality show.

You never know when gold's gonna strike.

Yeah, gold doesn't strike.

That's why you never know.

BoJack, be nice.

Just pretend they're not there.

Okay. Well, I...

Could you speak up, please?

- I'd like to...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's too loud.

I want to fix this as quickly as possible.

I don't care who was right
about the muffins anymore,

even though I was definitely right.

I just want my privacy
back, so I can finish writing

my tell-all memoir, so everyone
will pay attention to me again.

I've already reached
out to the McBeal camp.

He's willing to publicly forgive
you if you publicly apologize

and present to him a box
of muffins as a symbol

of your great admiration
for the American military

and everything they do.

But I ate the muffins.

I know. We got another box.

It's in the cupboard.

Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too.

We've been here for ten minutes!

It's okay, we'll get more muffins.

I'll get the muffins, and they're on me.

I just found out I got
80 bucks in the bank.

I'm helping! Hooray!

So where are we gonna do this?

Do I have to go on MSNBSea?

No, we should do it somewhere
people will actually see it.

Oh, why don't you do it
on Peanutbutter and Jelly?

You can't call a show
Peanutbutter and Jelly

if there's no jelly.

It's a pun.

It's not a pun if it only works one way.

Is this a necessary conversation

to be having right now?

Look, I know tempers are high,

but let's not take it
out on the great title

for my reality show,

which we all agree is really clever.

We can edit this to make
me look smart, right?

♪ Yeah ♪

- * Peanutbutter *
- * Come on *

How's this look? Looks good?

- Okay.
- Marker, sound, speed.

Well, here I am, hanging out

with my good friend BoJack Horseman,

enjoying each other's company,

as we often do.

Yes, this is all very
authentic and natural.

Oh, someone's at the door!

I will see who it is.

Wow, this is a surprise.

Neal McBeal.

Hello, sir.

Thank you for inviting me
into your home. It is lovely.

BoJack, is there anything
you'd like to give Neal McBeal?

Ahem.

Oh, yeah, Todd?

What the hell is this?

I tried to buy the muffins,

but my bank card got
declined for some reason.

But don't worry, I still saved the day

because I found this bag
of stale hamburger buns.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, they're just giving
them away behind In-N-Out.

Why does anybody pay for anything?

Ow.

Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration,

please accept this bag
of stale hamburger buns.

- What?
- Yes, hamburger buns.

It's a symbol for how we throw our veterans

in the trash, sadly, far too often.

I'm listening.

We send our muffins overseas,

and they come back as stale hamburger buns,

but that doesn't mean we
should love them any less,

because in their own way,

aren't stale hamburger buns just as good?

Mmm.

American made.

So what you're saying is,

you think I'm a hero.

Well, I don't know if I...

Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

You're a hero.

The troops are all
heroes, every single one.

Great.

And I don't believe saying
that cheapens the word

and actually disrespects
those we mean to honor

by turning real people
into political pawns.

Okay, you can let go of the bag now.

Also, I am not deeply ambivalent

about a seemingly mandated
celebration of our military

by a nation that claims to value peace

telling our children that
violence is never the answer

while refusing to hold our own
government to the same standard.

Yeah, me neither. I think
we're in agreement here.

Furthermore, I do not find
it unbelievably appropriate

that this conversation is taking
place on reality television,

a genre which thrives on

chopping the complexities of our era

into easily digestible
chunks of empty catchphrases.

Okay.

And finally, I don't...

Hey, look, Mr. Peanutbutter
got a bucket stuck on his head.

Guys, guys, where am I? Can
someone tell me where I am?

Hey, where'd he get that bucket from?

Who gave him a bucket?

Uh, actually, I had another
point I wanted to make.

Yeah, but who doesn't love a
dog with a bucket on his head?

Come on.

Bucket! Bucket!

Bucket!

Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!

Hey, can anyone find a handle?

Oh, thank you, my friend.

You're a real hero.

Unbelievable.

What's your name, young lady?

Well, my real name's Angela,

but my friends call me Jelly.

What? Oh, my God, did we get that?

Please tell me we got that.

You want a day-old hamburger bun?

I'm all right. How'd it go down there?

You know what the
problem is with everybody?

They all just want to hear
what they already believe.

No one ever wants to hear the truth.

I want to hear the truth.

I don't know if you
want to tell it, though.

What do you mean?

Mr. Normal Childhood,
Mr. Uneventful Father?

Look, I can write you the standard

empty-calorie
celebrity tell-some,

if that's what you're looking for,

but I thought you might
want more than that.

I do.

Well, then you're going to have to open up

and give me something real.

What, you think I can't open up?

Well, I don't know if you can or not.

You certainly haven't.

Okay, from now on, full
truth, warts and all.

You're not gonna make me
look like an asshole, are you?

I don't know, are you an asshole?

Okay, full truth, here we go.

You want to know about my parents?

They drank a lot.

My father was a failed novelist.

My mother was the heiress to
the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune,

and my dad resented her for it.

He used to make me cry with him

while listening to Cole Porter records.

He made me build my own tree house,

and then he tore it down
while I was at summer camp

because instead of hearty, Christian nails,

I used screws, which he
called fancy Jew nails.

Like I said, totally normal.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the horse ♪

♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try ♪

♪ And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

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