All language subtitles for Better Off Ted s02e11 Mess of a Salesman.eng

Hey, how'd your date go last night?

It depends, if a guy bites his
cuticles and then swallows them,

does that make him a cannibal?

Because then I had an
exciting date with a cannibal

and not a boring evening with a
guy who has a disgusting habit.

Zing-bang! I'm getting an award.

Bang-zoom! I'm getting a muffin.

Every year the Veridian
charitable foundation

honors someone who's been outstanding,

and this year, they've
chosen me. For what?

- For being outstanding.
- For being outstanding at what?

I'm getting an award.

You realize, as an honoree,
you're gonna have to raise

- a bunch of money for the foundation?
- I know. That's the part I'm dreading.

Linda, you do it for me.
Huh. That wasn't so bad.

Before I agree to do
something I have no choice in,

do you even know which charity
Veridian's giving the money to?

I'm getting an award.

Teddy!

Billy? What are you doing here? Hey.

I'm in town for a couple days.
I thought we could grab a bite.

Hey, are those fresh nuts?

Booyah!

Oh!

Hello, ladies. Don't be
alarmed. I'm Ted's big brother.

You okay, buddy? Huh?

Oh, you gonna barf? It's okay if you do.

- No one will judge.
- Help me up.

Oh, right. Right.

So you can viciously do to me
what I so lovingly did to you?

No. I'm not gonna do anything.
I'm not a jackass like you.

This is where I work. Oh.

- Right.
- Sack attack!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Excellent.
- I totally got you. I totally got him.

Yes it was masterful,
like watching a chess game.

Hey, Ted, I can't find Rose,

and I've looked for her everywhere.

- I'm upside down!
- Well, I know one thing for sure...

wherever she is, she's right side up.

No, I'm not.

Well, until we find her,
we're gonna have to just use

this spare Rose that we got
growing out of your back.

- Oh, come here.
- What?

That was fun. I'm gonna go
see if it made me any taller.

Hey, it's great having you around.

Yeah. You know, Rose doesn't
have a lot of family here.

Oh, relax. I'm not setting you
up. So how long can you stay?

I don't know, a couple of days.
I heard there might be a job

out in Fresno, selling
baby-proofing kits.

Apparently, they're having problems

with babies breaking
into homes out there.

What happened to selling boxes?
And... and could you please stop

- holding mom in front of your crotch? -
Well, I kind of had a falling-out with my boss

'cause I kept sleeping with his wife.

It's a real shame,
too, 'cause I sold boxes

- even better than I sold attack dogs or fatty scooters.
- Aw, man, you're a great salesman.

I was kinda hoping that job would stick.

Hey, what if I got you
something at Veridian?

Seriously? Man, I'd love that.

Plus, I'd get to hang here for a while.

Yeah, Rose and I would like that, too.

I love you, bro, but not
like in a brotherly way.

No, it's all about the sex for me.

Don't pretend you don't want it.

You've been thinking about
it all night, like I have.

- So I'm coming in for a kiss. Don't try and fight it.
- Oh, you've definitely picked up my signals.

Why don't we just skip
right to second base?

Where's your mommy now, huh?

Aw, too easy!

Ted, the next morning, I asked Veronica

if she thought it'd be possible
to get Billy a job at Veridian.

- I'm getting an award.
- When I finally got Veronica's attention,

she told me Veridian wasn't hiring,

so I talked to Lou,

- the owner of the company that sells us our lab supplies.
- I don't know, Ted.

I got an idiot brother of my
own I'm not giving a job to.

- Billy's not an idiot. He's a really good salesman.
- Actually, Ted, I'm a really good salesman.

I just figured out a way to
sell Veridian 3,000 beakers

I've been having trouble getting rid of.

So I got Billy can job
selling lab supplies.

And you know that saying...

"you can never have too many beakers"?

Well, it's not a saying,
and now I know why.

Hey, Lonnie. Great job on that
presentation. Have a beaker.

No, thank you.

- I didn't know Ted had a brother.
- I did. I did all that research

when I dressed up as Ted
for Halloween last year.

Did you know

- his great-grandfather was a
cattle wrestler? - You mean rustler.

No, wrestler. He used
to go from town to town

- fighting livestock for beer money.
- I had an aunt who fought a cow for beer money once.

- The cow never forgave her.
- Oh, they're very unforgiving.

- What are they doing?
- Oh, it's just how they process information.

Anyway, fellas,

so Billy is the new rep

for the company that
supplies our lab equipment.

Anything you need, you go through him.

- And this is the latest catalog.
- Oh, you dropped something, Theodore.

Pick it up, Theo-dorable.

- I'm not picking it up,
Billy-has-a-little-Willy. - Oh!

- What are they doing?
- That's just how they process emotion.

Run, dummy. It's getting away.

All right, I'll see you at home later.

Don't be late. I'm making lasagna.

All right.

Please don't hurt us.
We're not like you.

No, I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Okay, so, uh, what kind
of stuff you guys need?

Nothing currently. We're pretty
careful with our resources.

Although we once meant to
buy 6 4-inch Petri dishes

and instead bought 4
6-inch Petri dishes.

It was crazy how slightly
bigger it was than we needed.

Ahh! Uh, okay.

You guys need to loosen up a little,

so I am gonna take you
to a very exclusive club.

We're gonna have a drink,
talk about lab supplies.

Well, we can't leave work-in
the middle of the day.

We're not Somali pirates.

You know, if you get little
crazy once in a while,

you stop being scared
of living your life...

That's when things get interesting.

I have always harbored ambitions

of being slightly more pirate-like.

And we did look pretty
cool with those eye patches

when we both had pink eye.

Okay, Ted's brother, we're in.

I did a little research on the charity

- the Veridian foundation is giving the money to.
- Why?

- Because I wanted to know where the money was going.
- Why?

- Because I wanted to make sure it was a good cause.
- Why?

Because I don't have

a debilitating personality disorder

that keeps me from
caring about anything.

- First of all, it's not debilitating. It's liberating...
- The money is going to a great charity

that provides female mentors
for underprivileged girls,

preparing them for leadership positions.

- Ha! Your consciousness has been raised, lady.
- That sounds wonderful.

- Ugh. I hate it when you mock me.
- I'm serious.

And when you mock me for pointing out

- that you're mocking me.
- I'm not mocking you.

And when you mockingly
insist you're not mocking me.

Seriously, this is actually
a cause I can relate to.

A female mentor would
have been very valuable

for a young Veronica, who
was bursting with potential,

yet vulnerable, like
a fawn in the woods,

but tough, like a fawn in
the woods with a machine gun.

So you're saying you, or this
terrifying, murderous fawn,

could have used some guidance?

Yes, we would have liked that.

You and I are gonna raise
more money for this charity

than it's ever raised before.

The forest will run red with
the blood of woodland creatures

who doubted little Veronica

and will now pay with
their furry little lives.

There's really no
middle ground with you.

Either you don't care at all
or you care 100-and-crazy%.

What else is there?

Now saddle up, Linda, and
say good-bye to common sense.

Final call. Flight 25 now departing...

Wow. I've heard about clubs
like these at airports,

but I always thought you had
to be an admiral to get in.

Well, look around, boys.

Full bar, cheeses,
nuts... and it's all free.

Welcome to Shangri-La.

This place is amazing.
I never want to leave.

- We should go.
- We have to go.

Oh, my God. There's a
pilot. That guy's a hero.

Fine. We'll go over, give
him one salute, then leave.

- If we're gone from work too long, we'll get in trouble.
- Ah, so what if you do?

So someone gets mad at you. Who cares?

You know what I do when
someone gets in my face?

I tell 'em to deal with it.

"Deal with it."

God, that'd be a cool thing
to say to somebody sometime.

Why not today? Why not right now?

- Hey, you, deal with it.
- Yeah, deal with it.

I'm getting me a damn cube of cheese!

Can we take our pants off in here?

Easy.

I have to justify to accounting
buying so many beakers.

But I'm helping my brother
get his life back on track,

and now people will know

how many milliliters
of pencils they have.

Oh, excuse me. And...

they make great coffee mugs.

Surprise.

I got you guys 600 beakers.

I was thinking you could
use them for beakers.

What's that?

- Just a bag full of something.
- A bag full of what?

- Just a 62-year-old white male. - We
bought a cadaver from your brother, Ted.

- Deal with it.
- Yeah, deal with it.

For God sakes, why
would you buy a cadaver?

Well, we were being all boring
and ordering stuff we needed

when we decided to grow a pair
and do something totally loco,

- so we bought it.
- No, not "it." "It" implies one.

- Oh, man. What did you guys do?
- Thanks to Billy, one of these will arrive every month.

That's right, once a month
they send us a new cadaver,

- whether we're finished with the old one or not.
- And what are you geniuses gonna do

when dead bodies start
stacking up in here?

We're gonna deal with it, Ted,

- just like you're gonna deal with it.
- Yeah, everyone's dealing with things now, Ted.

Mm-hmm. Well, I gotta go yell at Billy.

And I know you guys.

Don't name that corpse,
because it's going back.

So who are we hitting up next?

We're at Fleming in marketing.

We're gonna get 500
bucks from this mutt.

- Can I be the bad cop this time?
- Linda, I've seen you smile when you cry

and skip when you're upset.

I don't think that's a good fit.

Hey, Brett. Can I get you
anything? Are you comfortable?

Of course he's comfortable...
comfortable being a sack of crap

- who doesn't give a damn about girls who need mentors.
- Veronica and I are raising money for a very good cause.

- We left you that brochure, but you never got back to us.
- Shut up, Brett.

- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, that's rich. We're gonna need $10,000 from you.

$10,000? That's...
that's... that's crazy.

Crazy? What's crazy is
Gina Morales not having

an experienced businesswoman
to help her write a letter

to get into college.
That's what's crazy.

Whoa, Veronica, easy.

Gina's problems aren't
entirely Brett's fault.

You need to cool off.

Fine. I'll go get 200
milliliters of coffee.

I'm sorry. It's just...
she loves those damn kids.

Look, you're a nice guy.

Let me try to talk Veronica
into taking just 500 bucks.

- Oh, man. Would you do that?
- Yeah.

But if you tell anybody
I did you a solid,

I will tear off your head
and tinkle in your skull!

I'm just kidding.

But, yeah, I'm dangerous.

Billy, you here?

Yes, and we have company.

I invited the lobsters for dinner.

But don't say anything. I plan
on killing and eating them.

We are celebrating.

- I racked up some great commissions at work today.
- Uh, yeah, a... about that, Lem and Phil...

they don't need a year's
supply of cadavers or even one.

Oh, wow. I don't know
if it's returnable.

Well, it's... it's... it's not
like we used it or anything.

- I mean, it still has that new-dead-guy smell. - Oh,
yeah. It's... it's just that my boss was so impressed.

But, hey, if it's a problem for you,

- I'll just tell him that he's gotta deal with it.
- Yeah. Well, bosses love hearing that.

Daddy! Uncle Billy bought
me a bunch of presents.

And best of all, he said he
might live here for a while.

Oh! Now hold on. That's
only if the job works out.

Hey, listen. Forget
about returning that thing

we were talking about.
I'll figure something out.

- Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to reject your body.

You got enough of that from
every girl in high school.

And, dad, watch this. Hey, uncle silly.

Come here, you!

Oh!

I convinced Lonnie,

the odd guy who works in
the oddly cold computer room,

to keep the cadaver for a while.

It might be a little creepy at first,

but the cadaver will get used to him.

Hi. So you must be from that charity

that the Veridian
foundation's working with.

Yes. We're going to visit
the honoree, Veronica Palmer.

Some of the girls are a little nervous.

They've never been in a big,
corporate environment before.

Oh, don't be afraid. Just
don't go to the fourth floor.

That's where we keep
the monster factory.

I'm just kidding.

But, seriously, stay
clear of the fourth floor.

Ted, I was just coming to see you.

There's a new rule in the computer room.

They just came up with it today...

"No dead bodies in the computer room."

can you believe it?

You bought those leather
pants you've always wanted.

My wife doesn't know I'm not at work.

Is there any rule we haven't broken?

These pants make my legs feel so cool.

I can't believe my lower
half's letting my upper half

- hang out with it.
- Hey. The people over at the beverage station

- are pissed 'cause you guys drank all the pineapple juice.
- Deal with it!

Deal with it! So let's order

some ridiculously
expensive lab equipment

- we've never had the nerve to buy before.
- Uh, maybe we should just stick

- with the stuff you guys need this time.
- If we stuck with the stuff we needed,

- I never would have bought these fiercely uncomfortable pants.
- And I wouldn't have squeezed

ten cubes of cheese into a
ball and eaten it like an apple,

which I should not have done,
but I am dealing with it.

I just had a disturbing conversation

with Mrs. Boudreaux
from the girls charity.

Apparently Ted threw a dead body at her.

- Oh, my God!
- Well, that's not the disturbing part.

In fact, I find that part deeply funny.

What's disturbing is,
the Veridian foundation

keeps 95% of the money we raise

- and only gives 5% to the girls charity.
- Really? That's horrible.

We need to talk to Mr. Page,
the head of the foundation.

It's time for this fawn
to strap on a machine gun,

- spread its wings and fly.
- Okay, what exactly do you think a fawn is?

The purpose of the
Veridian foundation, girls,

is to let the world know of
the good works Veridian does.

So you spent 95 cents of every dollar

telling the world
about the other 5 cents?

If thousands of trees are
clear-cut in the forest

and nobody hears about
it, did it really happen?

Of course it did, sugar,

and people always find out
about it, so what we need to do

is publicize the occasional
good thing the company does

- so that people are aware of how wonderful we appear to be.
- This isn't about some stupid trees.

These girls are living, growing things,

and you're trying to hold
them back. Gina Morales!

Hey, Mr. Page.

- Can I get you anything? Are you comfortable?
- We're not doing that.

You're gonna give everything
we collected to that charity.

People suffered for that money.

We were awful.

You know what's funny?

We raise money to help little
girls enter the business world,

and when they finally do, they
still act like little girls.

I'll need the donations
you've collected by tomorrow.

Now if you'll excuse me, girls...

No. We're not done here.

This woman opened her heart,

and that happens so rarely, you
could hear the hinges squeak.

- I will not let you slam that Rusty heart door shut.
- Go, Linda. Release your anger.

You will not crush this
woman's spirit and love,

you spineless, condescending bureaucrat.

Good, Linda. Only your
hatred can destroy him.

You, sir, are a bad egg.

Yes! Now strike!

Wow.

Where did that come from?

am a good mentor.

Okay, I need you guys to
lower the temperature in here.

- Watch this dude until I figure out what to do with him.
- And you need to put more money in our lab supplies account.

- What did you do?
- We bought a small family of robots.

- And a large wind tunnel.
- We want to see how long it takes to drive robots crazy with wind.

Deal with it, deal with it!

Okay, how's this... what if I
tell Veronica that you've burned

through the company's
money, she notifies H.R.,

they open an investigation,
and you guys lose your job?

Does that count as "dealing with it"?

My legs are completely numb.

Only the tightness of my
pants is holding me up.

I think I feel that cheese
apple making its way North.

Billy, call me. It's about Lem and Phil.

And you shouldn't say
"doody" so many times

- in your outgoing message. What if mom calls?
- Ted, we need your help.

- Ted, we don't need your help.
- Guys, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

- My brother has pushed Phil and Lem off the rails.
- I went crazy in a meeting

- and headbutted the president of the Veridian foundation.
- That wasn't crazy. It was deeply funny.

- It was kind of cool. His head made a "boop" sound.
- Boop.

After that, we were so pumped
up... and a little dizzy...

that instead of giving
the foundation guy

the money we collected, we
drove down to the girls charity

- and gave it all to them.
- It was incredibly satisfying.

Until we found out that
collecting donations from people

and then giving them to whoever
you want is a class 2 felony.

Well, look, why don't you just
go back to the foundation guy,

tell him you got a
little carried away and...

Oh, wait. You booped him.

- Ding!
- Wah wah!

- Have you guys been drinking?
- Little bit.

Please, Ted. I can't go to jail.

You have to talk to
that foundation weasel

- and ask him very nicely to let us off the hook.
- Screw that.

Tell him we'll see him in
court and then headbutt him.

- Headbutt him hard. Crack that egg.
- Okay, I will go try and straighten this out.

While I'm gone, I want you two to think

about what you'd rather
have for Christmas...

a wind tunnel, a family
of robots or a corpse.

Screw those girls, man.
Okay? You know what? They took

my foundation money and they
gave it to some stupid charity.

Plus, they headbutted me.

And then they poured
themselves a nice little drink.

And then the one with the bun on
her head... oh, she stood over me

while she posed for
a picture doing this.

What the hell was that? You
better get the money back

from the charity or
they're going to jail.

Oh, you a lot of nerve coming in here,

- Some nerve. Some nerve.
- He did not like being headbutted and then posed over.

Hey. Hey, man. I... I got your
message. Are you pissed at me?

Yes, Billy, I am pissed at you.
I told you that I had a problem

with you selling Phil and
Lem stuff they didn't need,

- and you did it anyway.
- No. I... I held back, okay?

The robot family normally
comes with grandparents,

- but they're sitting heartbroken back at the warehouse.
- So I'm supposed to thank you

- for creating a huge mess instead of a gigantic one?
- Well, just say it, Ted. What's your problem?

I have been cleaning up after
you since we were kids, Billy.

You bring home a stray possum,
I'm the one that has to walk it,

which, by the way, is impossible
because they play dead,

- and you end up just having to drag it down the street.
- I was gonna train it to drive a golf cart

- so that we could be on "that's incredible!"
- Yeah, but you didn't. So I'm the one

that ended up with a weird pet
that I have to take to college.

Billy, I am still cleaning up
after you. You can't keep a job.

- 3,000 beakers later, I got you one.
- Yeah, which I'm trying to be good at.

- Isn't that what you want?
- You know what? I can't even talk to you right now.

Veronica and Linda are in real trouble

with this jerk from
the Veridian foundation,

so now I gotta go clean up that mess.

And by the way, do
you know how many times

I didn't get laid in college

because girls don't like getting
hissed at by a jealous possum?

Now I... I know it's
not customary for...

for charities to give
money back to their donors,

but if you like helping
girls, I know two who would

really be helped if you returned
all the money they gave to you.

Do you know how crazy you
sound right now, young man?

Crazy or really on to something?

Well, I just got told to go screw myself

by a 60-year-o
woman.

Brought me back to when I was 10

when I asked grandma why
her house smelled funny.

- What are you doing here?
- Teddy, you are gonna kiss us.

We got Veronica and Linda off the hook.

- What?
- You said you were having a problem with that page guy

from the foundation, so
me and these two roughnecks

- thought we'd help you out.
- We documented the whole thing. First we got the corpse...

Who we named "Roger." I know
you said not to name him,

- but as you know, we haven't been listening to you lately.
- Then we put the corpse in the trunk of page's car.

- Oh, guys, no, no, no.
- Uh, Roger did not want to get in at first.

You know, he went all floppy,

- like, "oh, no, don't put me in there."
- Classic Roger.

Then we put a nail in page's tire

and followed him after work.

Eventually, his tire went flat,
and he pulled over to change it.

- Page went looking for his spare.
- That's when Roger leapt into action.

- Page opened the trunk, and hello, dead guy.
- Roger.

Then like a textbook douche,
he did what douches do...

rather then complicate his
life for a single minute,

he dumped the body by the side of the road.
Then we followed him and showed him the pictures.

- He agreed it'd be better if they weren't posted on the Internet.
- And so he decided

to look the other way
with Veronica and Linda.

- Unbelievable.
- Just so you know, this was our last hurrah.

Lem and I are done being crazy.
When it starts out great...

all pilots and square cheese...
but ends up with you having to

cut your friend out of
skintight leather pants.

I will not miss those.

So?

Well, what you did
was reckless and wrong.

But... it... it worked.

So... thanks.

Actually it felt good to be the guy
cleaning up the mess for a change.

So are we okay?

Yeah, yeah, we're okay.

The Veridian foundation...

helping the world

then telling people about it

makes us feel so good.

The Veridian foundation...

Ow!

I miss mugs.

So Billy gave up lab equipment.

He's moving to Fresno with the woman

who cuts the cheese
at the airport lounge.

We'll all be having fun with that.

And Veronica got the Pentagon

to finance a study on
how robots tolerate wind.

$3 million later, it turns
out, they don't notice it.

I appreciate you sticking
up for me with Mr. Page.

You're tougher than thought, Linda.

You're like a fire-breathing,
razor-back fawn.

Oh, my God. This is a fawn.

Oh.

Then what was I thinking of?

Oh, a monster. That was it.

I always confuse those two.

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