All language subtitles for Better Off Ted s02e05 The Great Repression.eng

Since I spend most of my day at work,

It's natural
relationships start to form.

But some of them can be
tricky to navigate.

Gosh, ted.

It's like you were poured
into that suit.

And part of me
is still hardening.

See, that would've been
the wrong thing to say.

Thank you, erica.

I value and respect you
as a gender-neutral colleague.

I may have overcorrected,

But it's important

I always keep things
professional at the office,

With one exception.

Hey, sweetie.
Wanna wrestle?

I'm taking you down,
old man.

since rose started coming
to veridian's after-care,

My coffee breaks include
much more roughhousing. Ted...

Muss up his hair. It's
the source of all his power.

What? No! Oh, no!
Not the hair!

Ahh!
Now smash him with a phone.

Why will nobody in this building
ever smash anyone th a phone?

What do you need,
veronica? We have a problem.

It's about sexual...

Uh... Sexual h-a-r-ass-ment.

Hmm. Well, I appreciate you

Not letting my daughter hear
the "har" part of that,

But why don't we talk
about this later? And by the way, I'm 8.

Never show your hand,
sweetie.

Always let the enemy
underestimate you.

Then when their guard's down,
smash 'em with a phone.

We're having a problem

With some of those people
who live in the cubicles.

No, they don't live
in the--you know what?

I'm not gonna explain this
to you again. One of the drones

Accused another drone
of sexual harassment. Again?

That's the third time that's
happened to us this year.

I know. Legal won't tell me
who the sleaze-hound is.

But upstairs
is very unhappy with me.

Our whole department looksike
a guy at a bus station

Wearing a raincoat.
We are not sleazy.

Our department is more like
a hard-working squirrel

Stuffing his nuts in--wait.

We're more like
a hard-working beaver--

Ah, I'm not gonna land
this metaphor.

Let me just go talk to
the people in the cubicles,

Find out what's going on.
And get them to stop coming on to each other.

It mht be as simple
as improving the lighting

Out there.

I just heard they're forcing
chumley into retirement.

That's crazy.

He's the best chemical spill
technician we've ever had.

Is he gone yet?

Let's trigger the floor sensors
and see if he comes.

you know,
you could've used water.

As opposed to that beaker
of bald eagle stem cells

I've been
painstakingly gathering

For the last two years.

Sorry.
You should label thing

chumley's so great.

He's the only one in the office
who's always smiling.

When he looks at you
with those little blue lights,

It's like you're the only one
in the world.

What's gonna happen to him?
Don't worry.

Ted told me
veridian has a place

Where retired robots get to
run and play with other robots.

It's called
the technology farm. Ah. God, that sounds great.

Like the place
my mom sent my dog

After he crapped in her purse.
I got an alert from the floor sensors

There's a spill.
Who are you?

I'm carlos.
New spill technician.

Apparently I'm cheaper
and require less maintenance

Than your...
Little sucky robot.

My god.

What kind of a sick world
are we living in,

Where machines can be so easily
cast aside for people?

Hey. So if you had to guess
who in our department

Was being accused
of sexual harassment,

Who would you say?
If I had to guess, I would say that keith guy,

Because he's kinda creepy.

But since I know it's me,
I'm gonna say me

Because I want to win
this game. You? You sexually harassed

It was
a stupid misunderstanding.

Sheila,
is everything all right?

No, it's not. My cat died.

Oh, no. Se?or noodlebaum?

No, that's debbie's cat.
She's an idiot.

My cat was named meow
is the time for all good men

To come to the aid
of their country.

I just called him meow.

But meow he's dead.

He loved puns.

I'm so sorry, sheila.

You look like
you could use a hug.

Oh, that's okay, linda.

I'm not really a physically
affectionate kind of person.

Don't be such a tough guy.
Everyone needs a hug sometime. But I--

See?
Doesn't this feel good?

We call this
a midwestern handshake.

That doesn't sound so sexual.

It was just a hug
that drifted boobwardly.

Apparently, later I got,
as sheila's complaint says,

"more molest-y."

Linda, what are you doing?

I've been thinking about you
all day.

Ooh, man. You're tense.

Linda, I...

Relax, sheila.

Don't fight it.

"don't fight it"?
Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it,

Mr. "never accidentally
fondled anyone"? I don't think the words

Have ever been used

Where someone isn't being
sexually harassed.

What am I gonna do? I could
lose my job over this.

All right, I'll go talk to
sheila and straighten it out.

In the meantime,
try to act like a gentleman.

Just remember, every woman here
is someone's wife or daughter.

I realize
it was a little awkward,

But linda was just trying
to comfort you.

Well, it wasn't comforting
to me.

No, I get that. But it was
just a misunderstanding.

See, you haven't worked here
that long,

And you don't know linda.
If you did, you'd know

How clumsy and accidentally
predatory she can be.

You two should really
get to know each other,

Get better acquainted.

You want linda and me
to get better acquainted?

Sure. Maybe go out sometime
after work, have some fun.

I could come, too, if you want.
All three of us could do it.

Oh, I don't think
that would be a good idea.

Oh, come on, sheila.
Don't fight it.

Oh, wait.

"don't fight it"?

You'd be surprised

How easily that phrase
just slides right outta you.

Sheila claims you propositioned
her for a threesome.

Veronica, I work full-time

And I have
an 8-year-old daughter.

I don't even have the energy
for a one-some. This is crazy.

- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- No, you're not.

Now I know it's against your nature

To sit idly by
while gotham is in peril,

But you have to sit this one
out. I'll take care of it. -But--

Ted, as a very stupid man
once said, "don't fight it."

- Ted.
- Ted.

They took our robot vacuum
to transportation,

But they forgot
his extra battery pack. We want to get it to him

Righ the farm. Here,
I'll make sure he gets it.

Mm. We'll give it to him.

So if you could tell us
where it is,

Because the guys
in transportation

Said there is no farm.
jerks.

There is a farm, right?
Right, ted?

Right?
There's a farm, ted. Tell us there's a farm.

There's a farm. There's a farm.
There's a farm. There's a farm. Ah, fellas...

No!
No! Where did they take him, you son of a bitch?!

I mean...
My immediate superior!

Guys, I'm sorry. I was trying
to protect you from this, but...

Well, the truth is, when robots
are no longer needed,

They're sent down
to the subbasement

To be broken down
and used for parts. Well, the truth is, when robots

I think I'm going to be sick.

I feel like my heart has been
kicked in the testicles.

Hello.
I'd like to talk to the lawyer

In charge of employee
sexual harassment.

That would be mr. Thomas,
and he's not here.

Hmm. Will he be back soon?
That depends on his willingness

To accept the things
he cannot change--wait.

His willingness to change
what he accepts...

No. The wisdom--
I don't know.

He's a drunk.
He's in rehab... Again.

Well, it's nice
how you honor his struggle.

He does this
five times a year,

But the company can't fire him
because he has a disease.

He also has a disease?
Poor drunk.

No, that's his disease.
He's an alcoholic.

And as long
as he's in treatment,

The company can't touch him.

The next day, veronica made
a startling announcement.

Great news.

You both have a disease.

You would be
a terrible doctor.

I convinced the company

To classify sexual harassment
as a disease.

Thatay, anyone accused of it

Can't be fired or punished
in any way.

I don't want a sex disease,
especially one

That's assigned to me
by my supervisor. Nonsense.

The company loved the idea.

Now it can't be sued because
the harasser isn't responsible

For his or linda's actions.

Plus, several of the executives
have their own grope-y,

Squeezy, unzippy problems,

And now their jobs
are safe, too.

This is ridiculous.
I didn't do anything.

I don't have a disease.
Ted, I'm a hero upstairs. Don't ruin this for me.

All you two have to do is...

is go
to harassment seminars.

We have to go
to harassment seminars?

I have a daughter.
I speak evasive mumble.

Just until you learn how to
control your perverse impulses.

I am not going to
any harassment seminar.

No, I am gonna fight
these charges. Yeah, me, too.

I don't like
other ladies' breasts.

Some days, I don't even like
my own breasts.

Although mostly,
they're awesome. Well, you'll get

And you two don't think
you need a seminar.

Look, if you fight this
and lose, you could be fired.

I don't want to lose this job.
What am I supposed to do,

Go back to wisconsin
and work in the cheese mines?

After I made that big speech,

Threw down my cheese shovel
and stormed out? All you have to do

And the whole thing will be
expunged from your records.

And you'll get

A keepsake-quality
seminar diploma--

Also my idea.

I was on fire up there.

Look at this place.

All these innocent machines
hacked to pieces.

it's like
"the texas chainsaw massacre"

If somebody massacred
the chainsaws.

Chumley.

Oh! Look at him.

They've ripped the d.C.
Solenoids from his relay module

As if he were
some sort of animal.

We can put him back together.

I fixed my marriage
with mechanical attachments.

I can fix this.

I'm denise,

Your sexual harassment educator.

And you are the deviants.

So let's meet each other,
shall we?

Ted, why are you here?

Because sheila's cat died,
this one got grabby,

And some of the nonsense
splattered on me.

Bottom line--
I am not a harasser.

Neither am I.
Yeah, I don't belong here either.

Although I would be open
to some private tutoring.

I'm innocent, too.
I just tripped

And grabbed some chick's boobs
to keep from falling.

Plus, she wanted it.
Is there any way

I can complete this course
over the internet?

Of course you all think
you're innocent.

That's part of the disease.
No, I don't have a disease.

That's another part
of the disease. Ted's really not a harasser.

If anything,
he's too repressed.

Well, you are.

Okay, well, that makes
perfect sense.

Ted, you sexually harass women

Because your emotions
are so bottled up.

They explode inappropriately.

Okay, how do I convince you that
I am ready to graduate from

This league of extraordinarily
perverted gentlemen?

Well, you'll have to prove
you can express your emotions

More honestly.

Use, um, "I" statements,

Like "I feel sad"
or "I feel angry."

Well, if that
gets me outta here,

Then I feel like I can do that.
That doesn't sound very emotionally honest to me, ted.

It really doesn't.

Ne.

I am going to be
so emotionally honest,

I could have
my own daytime talk show.

"Ted!"
with an exclamation point.

No band, no cooking segments.
Just me and the topic wheel.

And, yes, I have
thought about this before.

And, yes, I am
taking this seriously.

While linda and I
were suffering through

Sexual harassment class,

Veronica was discovering
her new policy

Was having
an unexpected effect.

Once people realized

They couldn't be fired
for harassment,

They started to take chances
and flirt more. I'm a genius, ted.

My bosses are happy,
the cubicle smurfs are happy,

And the sexual tension
between the janitors

Has finally been resolved.
No, not everyone's happy.

I have to get all open
and girlie with my coworkers

Because some crystal-worshipping
feelings-hound

Thinks I'm repressed.

Pshew. Pshew. Pshew.
Pshew.

What are you doing?
That's the sound of me deflecting your whiny bitching

With my happiness shield.

Hey.

It's the girl from my seminar.
I've been thinking about you.

Well, don't.
Fine. Let's keep it professional.

I'll give you 50 bucks
to show me your boobs.

$10 if you just say
the word "boobs." really? $10 just to say--

Hey, wait a minute.

That's gross.

Our goofball teacher
was right.

What you're doing right now
isn't about sex.

It's about power.

How about if
I did that to you?

I'll give you $10
to say boobs. Boobs.

Okay, that wasn't good.
How about this?

Your junk has been neglected
for so long,

That if someone called
social services,

They'd take it away.
They would not.

Hey! I hurt your feelings?
Ahh.

So what else we got here?

Let's keep working the junk.

That looks like one package

I'd be disappointed to open
christmas morning.

That's right.
Because it's undesirable.

It's the saddest, loneliest inch
in the whole world.

It is not! You're mean.
I'm gonna report you.

Go ahead.
I can say whatever I want.

I have a disease.

Oh, yeah.
Mama's gonna have fun with this.

That's the last piece.

This must be
how dr. Frankenstein felt

And that creepy scientist
on the fourth floor

Who tried to build a wife

Out of mannequin parts
and chicken skin. Yeah.

That was awkward
at the christmas party

When we had to pretend
she didn't smell like chicken. Mm.

let's test him.

Mmm.

He is back

And suckier than ever!

What's he doing here?

This is my floor now.
Don't you get it

It's not about machines anymore.

Now it's about guys
with mops.

Don't worry, chumley.

He's just jealous because
your smile is permanent

And his only comes
when he's happy.

Aah!

He peed coffee in my face
from his mouth!

Anyway, steve,
I just want you to know

That you
keeping things so clean

Makes me feel
like I'm, uh, cared for.

Thanks, ted.
I-I really appreciate that.

But, uh...
you know I'm with willy now.

Oh, that's right. I heard.

So anyway,
uh, speaking of gay,

Would you mind
signing this form

Saying I was
emotionally expressive?

While I was wiping down
the office with my emotions,

Veronica was realizing
her genius idea

Had one fatal flaw.

It was stupid.

Thanks, guys.
I feel appreciative

And I'm happy that--
you promised you would stop talking like that

If we signed your form.
Right. So what do you need?

We found chumley
and reassembled him,

But something's different.
He came back wrong.

We need to have access
to the robots lab

So we can replace

His diflossoroid
dual-cacheing processor...

Or insides.
Guys, it's a shop-vac. You gotta let it go.

He's more
than just a shop-vac.

He's got lights
where his eyes would be

And a smile where we drew it.
If your friend ryan seacrest was sick,

You wouldn't turn your back
on him. I'm not friends

Really? We always thought
you guys were friends. No.

But I always kinda picture you
two playing volleyball together. No.

Another loss.

Oh!
Oh!

I'm sorry.

Uh, I feel sorry
that I walked into you. No, it was my fault.

Mr. Stewart took a bunch
of us girls to lunch.

I had four glasses of wine

And a chocolate souffle,
which was yummy.

You're yummy.

My underwear
is in my purse right now.

I feel, uh, happy
that you think I'm yummy.

But also sad that
if I do anything about it,

I will have to spend
the rest of my life

In harassment seminars.
Isn't it funny

How the word "harassment"
has "her ass" in it?

Do you know what else
could have her ass in it? You.

I can't quite picture that,
but I feel like I must leave.

Everyone's taking advantage
of the new policy, ted.

It's like mating season
out there--

All hands and tongues
and sweat and grinding.

It's kinda hot, actually.
I know.

A beautiful woman
just called me yummy.

I like being called yummy.
You are yummy.

So are you.

And since I have to be
emotionally honest,

I want to take off
my underwear right now

And put it in your purse.
I don't know what that means,

You sick, sexy bastard,

But it's flipping my switches.

Ugh. Wait.
What are we doing?

We're like everyone else
around here,

Acting like horny idiots.

God, my policy is a disaster.
I'm a terrible executive.

No, you are not. Y-you're one
of the best executives ever.

You're as good as steve jobs
or lee iacocca or--

Field marshal rommel?
Okay.

He was a brilliant tactician who
looked magnificent in jodhpurs.

Now I'm picturing you
in jodhpurs. So am I,

And I'll bet rommel didn't wear
a thong underneath his.

Oh, I'd really like to see that.
What a happy coincidence.

It's in the mood
for receiving guests.

Hi, daddy. It's my snack break.
Oh, hi, veronica.

Hello, rose. Ted.

Hello, veronica. Rose.

You guys are acting weird.

In ten years, honey,

You'll look back
on this moment and think, oh!

Sheila, I can't find
my budget report.

Do you know where...

oh,
there's a spider.

It's coming right down
on you. Where?

Hold still. I'll get it.

What are you doing?

Ow!

Oh! What the hell?

I can't help it.
I have a disease.

Honk! Honk!
Hey, quit it.

Wow. You must be, like,
90% body fat, but me likey.

Honk! Honk!
That isn't harassment.

Harassment
is supposed to be sexy.

You're not even
doing it right.

Wow. Thanks, linda.

Listen, recently
I've been very fortunate

To spend te
with some major perverts.

And it's made me realize,

I should've
respected your boundaries.

Oh, that's okay.
I may have overreacted.

Shh. Did you hear that?

Somewhere a butt is being
smacked against its will...

A feel is being copped,

A well-endowed woman
is being asked

If she gives fries
with that shake,

And so...
That is where I am needed.

Impressed by linda's heroism,

Sheila decided to drop
the charges against us.

I don't care what ted says.

We have to do whatever it takes
to get chumley well. I agree.

Hey, chumley.

Ow!

Aah! Ow!

It's attacking my foot!
Kill it!

Stab it in the brain!
Don't ask me to choose between the two of you!

Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

Ooh! Ah! Ooh!

Ooh!

Ultimately,
I would've chosen you.

And I'm not just saying that

Becae you're the one
who survived.

And I choose to believe that.

Boy, bringing things back
from the dead

Never goes smoothly.

Thank you, carlos.

I'm just a man with a mop.

That's what we do.

Phil and lem finally realized
they'd also been having

An inappropriate relationship
with a coworker.

As for the other
inappropriate relationships,

Well, thanks to rose
walking in on us,

Veronica and I figured out
a way to end those, too.

Uh, here it comes--
the parade of children.

Nothing kills
sex drive faster

Than having kids around.

After-care agreed
to March them through

At random times for exercise.

Children--
they have so many uses.

They're like adorable
swiss army knives.

Although they can't open wine
worth a damn.

Listen, veronica, about what
happened in my office...

Ah, forget it, ted. There was
too much sex in the air.

But we're like
rommel and patton.

We respect and are
even attracted to each other,

But if we ever got together,
it would be a bloodbath.

Although feel free to look
at my ass as I walk away.

It's having a spectacular day.

Wow. She's having
a great ass day.

Yeah, that's what
the parade's about.

That's for staring
at her butt.

the's a new sheriff in town.

Maybe sometimes I do keep
my emotions bottled up inside.

Maybe that's okay,
especially at work.

What's important is, I let them
out when it counts.

Hey. Huh!

bring it, old man!

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