Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Reggie, hi.

Give me a coffee and a muffin, quick.

I have to get to the office before Doctor Becker.

If I'm a half a second late, the bug up his butt

grabs the stick up his butt and beats me with it.

Morning, Linda.

Sorry.

Shouldn't you be at the office?

Well, since you're here,

how do you know for sure that I'm not there?

Don't have an answer for that one, do you?

Just go away, will ya?

Don't worry, she doesn't have a key to the drug cabinet.

Maybe you should think about giving her one.

Can you believe it? I've only been back in school three weeks,

and I already have this huge Psych paper due.

What was I thinking, going back to college?

Yeah, and at your age.

Did I say, "At my age"? No, I don't think I did.

Reggie, can I have an extra large coffee, please?

I can't face that man without a heavy dose of caffeine.

I swear, I wish he would

just calm the hell down.

And, yes, John, I saw you sitting there,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you can't hear that often enough.

Oh, wait. I don't believe this.

"Harvard Doctor Patents Miracle Anti-Wrinkle Cream"?

I mean, what a crock.

They are 9000 diseases that need a cure,

and how does this idiot spend his time?

Inventing some overpriced gunk to slather on

leather-faced socialites who are desperately trying to look like

Jennifer Love Whoever.

For once, can't you just do the Jumble and shut up?

Wait, you didn't-- You didn't let me finish.

The doctor that invented it?

Bruce Anderson? My research partner at Harvard.

BOTH: Oh...

What?

Oh, you think I'm jealous?

I'm not jealous.

What do you call it?

I'm embarrassed for Harvard.

Look, I know what you're thinking,

but I'm only back here because Margaret sent me

to get her some coffee.

She's been at the office all morning and didn't have time

to get any for herself.

Ah.

Actually, Margaret just left here with coffee.

( yells )

He's always one step ahead!

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Doctor Bruce Anderson. Some genius.

He barely knew what end of a microscope to look through.

We know, Becker, we know.

( phone rings )

Hello.

Single-celled organisms

used to stare up at him from their petri dish

and say, "Hey, look at stupid."

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

No, really, I'm gonna die!

Die already.

That was Jackie from the dry cleaners.

We went to high school together.

Jackie? Is she the one with the knob on her face?

It's a beauty mark.

A beauty mark? Please. I hung my coat on it.

The point is, Jordan Brewster is in town,

and he's on his way over here.

Who the hell's Jordan Brewster?

Only the most popular guy in high school.

I was totally in love with him.

But my dad wouldn't let us go out.

Said he didn't trust him.

But none of that matters now,

because he's on his way over here to see me.

Oh, my God, I gotta go do my hair.

Hello, crumb-bums.

Where's Mommy Longlegs?

She's fixing her hair for some guy named Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster?

You mean to tell me Jordan Brewster's back in town?

Bob's been waiting forever to get his revenge

on Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster.

I'm gonna kill the next person who says "Jordan Brewster."

Say, Bob, what's his name again?

Oh, how he tortured Bob in high school.

The wedgies, the purple nurples.

Many was the gym class he filled Bob's jockstrap with Icy Hot.

Okay, that I kinda liked.

But the point is, Bob's been waiting for this.

The day when Jordan has nothing, and Bob is on top of the world.

What? What on top of the world?

I mean, your wife jut left you, and you lost your business.

Oh, right.

Too bad he didn't come back last month when Bob had it all.

Whoa, speaking of nurples,

Bob definitely approves

Reg, it's been a long time since you've seen this Jordan guy.

Don't you think you might be setting yourself up

for a disappointment?

Well, what makes you say that?

How do you know? He could be a big success.

Oh, please, Jake. This one's flipping burgers,

the friend with the knob is pressing pants,

and we got Bob over here.

I mean, that was some high school.

I bet there was a 200-way tie for "Least Likely to Succeed."

You know, by now he's probably

some blob with a bad combover.

Yeah, well, he gets no pity from me.

The second he walks in, I'm gonna kick his ass.

Jordan.

But first I gotta make a call.

Oh, my God, Jordan Brewster.

Well, I'm surprised you recognized me.

Are you kidding? You haven't changed a bit.

You haven't either.

Well, if I'd known you were coming,

I would have fixed myself up.

( chuckles )

Gee, Reggie, you look great.

Oh, you.

So, uh, is he a blob with a bad combover?

Pretty much.

Listen, I just, uh-- I just stopped by to say hi,

and, uh, tell you how sorry I was to hear about your father.

Oh, thank you.

Your dad was quite a character.

The last time I was here,

he chased me out with a baseball bat.

Uh, so, uh-- So, what have you been up to?

Married? Kids?

Oh, no, I'm single.

Well, very single. All alone. Just me.

Well, not that I don't date. I do. A ton.

Well, not a ton too much, you know,

just a ton, the right amount.

It's not like I'm a slut or anything.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

Good choice.

These two friends of yours?

He works here, he eats here.

So, Jordan, what are you doing back in town?

I'm putting together the funding to build a hospital.

Hey, John, you two are in the same business.

He builds hospitals, you lance boils out of a storefront.

Let's not get haughty about professions,

Mr. "Extra, Extra, Read All About It."

I also sell mints.

Listen, I can see that you're busy, but, uh,

any chance I could steal you away for lunch?

Oh, I would love it.

Jake, keep an eye on the place, would you?

I mean-- You know what I mean.

All right, where is he?

Where's Jordan?

He just left, Bob.

Oh, well he's lucky,

'cause next time he's in here, I'm gonna kick his ass.

Oh, that's great, Bob, but I doubt if he'll

be sticking his ass in that phone booth any time soon.

( laughs )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Linda, I told you not to put food out there.

If we feed him, he'll just keep coming back.

But he's hungry.

Can't we keep him, please?

No. He's mangy, he smells bad, and he's got fleas.

But he looks so sad with those big brown eyes.

He's just sitting in the doorway.

Margaret, there's a bum just sitting in the doorway.

Please do not talk about Ira that way.

He's a thinking, feeling person. He's not an animal.

He told you his name?

No, I named him.

Just relax, John.

I'm trying to find a place for him.

I called the city. No luck.

But I'm gonna try the churches next.

I'm sure they'll help.

Yeah, right.

Call the Pope, maybe he'll build him a penthouse

at the Vatican.

Please, can't I keep him?

I promise, you won't have to do a thing.

And no one'll take care of him as good as I will. Please?

Linda, for the last time, no.

Not fair! You guys never let me do anything!

I don't know where she gets that temper,

but it's certainly not from me.

Okay, John, here are your messages and here's the paper.

But please don't read it until I've left the room.

Why? Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.

I've already, uh, read about Doctor Bruce Anderson

and his million-dollar wrinkle cream.

And? And I let off a little steam,

and I'm feeling a lot better.

Since when do you have a finite amount of steam?

Honestly, it doesn't bother me.

Liar.

Right now you're chewing on your own liver.

Margaret, believe me, I don't want to make wrinkle cream.

A long time ago I made a decision to go into

private practice and help people,

and I find that very fulfilling.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go burn an infected mole

off Mrs. McClaren's armpit.

( laughing )

Hey, as pathetic as I am, you're my assistant.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

JAKE: So, Reg,

was your lunch date with Jordan Brewster

everything you dreamed it would be?

And more.

Lunch turned into dinner at Lut�ce.

It was so romantic.

We had this $300 bottle of champagne.

Then I'll bet I know what happened next.

No, you don't. He was a perfect gentleman.

If he spent all that money and went home alone,

then he's a perfect idiot.

Hey, Squints, is Jordan here?

No, Bob, he's not.

All right, Jordan, let's go. You and me.

Bob, he's not here.

Oh, well, he's lucky,

'cause the next time I see him, I'm gonna kick his ass.

You tell him I'll be back at 3:00 sharp.

Good, 'cause he'll be back here at 3:00 too.

Three's no good for me. But I'll get back to ya.

Good morning. Good riddance.

Where you going?

Out with Jordan.

We're gonna spend the day together.

Well, what kind of diner is this?

I mean, what about my breakfast?

What would you like?

Eggs, hash browns and toast, please.

Right. A muffin it is.

You're getting a little carried away here, aren't you?

I mean, a guy blows into town, all of a sudden you're--

You're flitting around like a teenager.

That shows how much you know.

This is the most healthy, adult relationship

I've had in years.

Hey, you kids, you--

What're you two, like 35?

I really hope you're married to other people,

otherwise this is way too embarrassing.

Get a room.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, this is insane.

I mean, she meets a guy, stays out late,

and now I can't get a cup of coffee.

Isn't she upstairs?

Hey, Reg. Wake up, I'm thirsty.

Hey, uh, look at this.

Some Harvard geek invented some new wrinkle cream.

He's gonna make a fortune!

I wouldn't go there if I were you, Bob.

That's John's old research partner.

Oh, that's gotta sting.

What did I just say?

Boy, Becker, you must feel like that schmuck

who got kicked out of The Beatles.

Doesn't bother me. Come on.

Do you realize if you stayed with this guy,

this would be you in the paper?

Keep it up, Bob, and tomorrow we'll both be in the paper.

Good morning.

Isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday?

Uh-huh.

So you didn't go home last night?

No. So you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the horror!

Bob's raven-haired beauty, losing her virginity

to Jordan Brewster.

Well, I waited as long as I could.

Say, Reg, you know, given your--

Your luck with men, he's probably married.

He's not, I checked.

Maybe he's poor. He's not. I checked.

Maybe he's gay.

He's not. I checked.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Linda, why is Boxcar Willie asleep in the waiting room?

I don't know. He was supposed to be filing.

You just can't find good help these days.

I know.

You don't think I got that, but I did.

Margaret, why is Linda's bum still here?

I thought you were gonna find a home for him.

I tried.

I called the Catholics, the Jews, the Presbyterians,

and you were right.

They said they wouldn't pick him up.

The Buddhists said they wouldn't pick him up either,

but they said I should be okay with that.

I-I-I don't trust Buddhists.

They're like Hare Krishnas who won't commit.

Bruce Anderson called to say hi. You want his number?

Oh, yeah, please.

The guy hasn't called me for years,

all of a sudden he's making millions off his wrinkle cream,

now he wants to rub my face in it.

Well, it might help with those frown lines.

You're very funny. You're gonna crack 'em up

down at Unemployment, Margaret.

As if.

Oh, the hell with him.

You know, I'm better than he is.

I'm smarter than he is.

I'm sure as hell taller than he is.

It's quite obvious what your problem is.

Excuse me?

The jealousy you feel for your ex-partner is merely

the outward manifestation

of your own deep-seeded insecurity.

In short, get over it.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake, did you hear the phone?

No. Did you?

No.

Okay, I think we're done here.

I'm sorry. It's just that Jordan hasn't called

since our night together.

You mean, last night, right?

Yes, okay, last night.

My father was right.

I shouldn't have trusted him.

I mean, he got what he wanted and he moved on.

I understand. You feel like a whore.

Did I say I felt like a whore?

No, I don't think I did.

Well, the hell with Jordan Brewster.

( phone rings )

Oh, my God, I hope it's him.

Hello.

It is.

Where are you, Jordan?

I will be right there.

He didn't reject me. My father was wrong.

Jordan is a good person.

Where is he? In jail.

Who-who's in jail?

Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster's in jail?

Jordan Brewster's in jail?

Oh, this is a good day in Bobland.

A very good day.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey.

Hey.

So, what's up?

Not much. You?

Nothing.

Well, not nothing. I am in jail.

Jordan, I want you to know that I trust you,

and I wanna help you.

Now, tell me, why do you think you were arrested?

It's the damnedest thing.

You know that hospital I was building?

Some of the investors allege that I skimmed

a couple million dollars and hid it somewhere.

But you didn't, right? I mean, you're innocent.

Absolutely. I'm innocent...

ish.

"Ish"?

Jordan, I'm not sure what that means.

Did you do it or didn't you?

You look really pretty today.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't believe it.

You-you're guilty.

Hey, that's for a jury to decide.

Then why exactly did you call me?

Well, there is the little matter of, uh, bail.

You expect me to bail you out? I don't have that kind of money.

Oh, no, I already thought about that.

And, besides, I have far too much respect for you

to take your money.

Then what do you want?

I just want someone to believe in me.

Someone to care about me.

Someone to go to locker 472

at the Port Authority Bus Station--

That's it.

My father was right about you.

You know, you probably do belong in jail.

And as popular as you were in high school,

I hope you're twice as popular in the joint!

Not so fast, Jordan.

Or should I say number 24601?

And you are?

Don't remember Bob from high school, do you?

Bob's been waiting 20 years for this moment.

You're not so tough behind that bulletproof--

Bulletproof, right?

Bulletproof glass, are you?

For all the gym classes Bob spent

with his head in the toilet, nurples aching,

Bob is finally vindicated.

You're a loser, Jordan.

Always have been, always will be.

Oh, one more thing.

How do you like that, bitch?

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, I'm so stupid.

My father was right, Jordan just used me.

No, I'm the stupid one.

Why didn't I invent something?

Maybe something to make women's asses smaller,

get a Nobel Prize.

Was my life so empty that I had to chase after

some high school fantasy?

It sure seems that way.

Thanks, Becker.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just manifesting my own deep-seeded insecurities.

I know this because some psycho bum told me so.

JAKE: You know, you two have got to stop beating yourselves up.

Come on, Reggie, you got to spend some time

with an old flame, you had a couple of laughs.

It's not your fault that he turned out to be a jerk.

And think about it. Now he's in jail.

Now, if that isn't payback, what is?

You know what, Jake? You're right.

Thank you.

Got anything for me?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Now, you're jealous of this wrinkle cream guy, right?

Well, you have every right to be.

Think about it.

You're not rich, you're not famous,

you never do anything, you never go anywhere.

You don't have a girlfriend. You live in a rat hole--

How is this helping?

Well, don't you see, John?

Your life is crap.

If anyone has a right to be jealous, it's you.

You know something, you're right.

Most people couldn't stand even one day of my life.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey. My pleasure.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( upbeatblues theme playing )

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