Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Morning, Reggie.

Hey, uh, Little Boy Blue.

If that's your Vespa parked out front,

you might wanna get out there.

A couple of bums seem to think it's the men's room.

Were there really any bums out there?

No, he was in my seat.

Great. So you chased away a paying customer

and instead I get Diamond Jim Becker

and his bottomless cup of coffee.

And keep it coming too, please.

W-what is it with that kid?

You got blue hair and you're not from the Planet Krypton,

you got a serious problem.

What? He doesn't have a right to express himself?

Not everybody can be a symphony in brown.

Hey, I-I don't need to express myself with clothing.

You know, I have ideas.

Name one. Leave me alone, will ya?

Hey, Jake, where you going?

Oh, I'm going to meet Tonya for lunch.

How do I look?

Well, your fly's open, there, pal.

Look, John, I don't have time to play another round

of Let's Fool the Blind Guy, okay?

No, I'm-- I'm telling ya, your fly's open.

Jake, don't listen to him.

You look great. Go have fun.

Thank you. Nice try, John.

Boy, I tell ya, that's cold, Reg.

The guys trusts you and you lie to him.

Yeah, well, he's been gettin' on my nerves today.

Margaret? Mm.

What's this?

Tss. Your desk calendar. No, this.

This note about the fundraiser.

You wrote it in.

Yes, the Children's Hospital fundraiser.

I know that, but it's for this Sunday.

Come on, you're supposed to be on the stick here

and reminding me about stuff like that.

MARGARET: John, don't forget.

The Children's Hospital fundraiser is next month.

BECKER: Don't bother me with that now. Just write it in my calendar.

( clicks )

All right, all right.

We can go round and round on who said what to whom.

But the point is that it's a black tie affair

and I don't have time to-- To-- To rent a tux.

I ordered your tuxedo last week.

It'll be here Friday.

Oh.

Well, I made other plans and I can't get out of them.

Which are?

Oh, come on, Margaret, please.

I don't like going to those things.

They're-- They're full of pompous socialites

and those goofy pediatricians.

Besides, I-I don't have a date.

And if I-- If I go alone, everyone tries to fix me up

with their big-boned niece with the inner beauty.

Why don't you just ask Reggie?

Reggie? Reggie down at the diner?

No, bad idea.

Why? You seem to get along

and she's certainly pretty enough.

No, if Reggie and I go out on a date,

it would just screw everything up.

I mean, we-- We already have the perfect relationship.

I mean, she cooks my food, cleans up after me,

neither of us listens to a thing the other says.

You know, it's like marriage without the heavy lifting.

Well, you better ask someone

because you are going to that dinner.

It's for a good cause.

And, frankly, John,

your world's been getting a little too small lately.

So resign yourself.

You are going.

Yeah, w-why don't you go with me?

Ha!

What?

I can't stand those people.

Hey, Jake. Hey.

Where's Reggie?

She went out shopping.

Oh, you know, w-what is it with women and shopping?

It's like an addiction.

So how did your lunch with Tonya go?

Don't ask. Okay.

We're having a good time at lunch, right?

All of a sudden, it's like an Arctic wind

blows across the table.

For the whole rest of the meal,

she gives me the silent treatment.

And I still have no idea why.

You gotta accept it, Jake.

As soon as you get involved with a woman,

it's only a matter of time

before you're the next contestant on Guess Why I'm Mad.

Oh, yeah. That's on right before

All I Do For You and This Is The Thanks I Get.

( chuckling ): Yeah.

So, what's up with you?

Oh, boy, I'm in the middle of a nightmare.

I gotta go to this really nice dinner on Sunday.

It's a hard knock life, isn't it?

No, no, it's-- It's-- You don't understand.

It's a fundraiser.

And the bad part is I have to show up with a date.

( chuckles )

So I went out to buy

a friend of mine's baby a gift.

Well, you're not gonna believe this.

This is a dress I bought for the kid.

This is a dress I bought for myself.

This one cost three times as much as this one.

If you put that one on and walk around outside,

I bet you could earn back what you spent on both.

In certain neighborhoods, so could you.

Hey, uh, why don't you take Reggie to that dinner?

What, 'cause we get along so well?

Well, you've gone out together before.

You went to that Vivaldi concert.

No, no, that's different.

This entails preplanning, formal wear and it could--

It could turn romantic.

It doesn't have to.

Ah. I look pretty good in formal wear.

Oh, Dr. Becker? Yeah.

I heard you needed a date for your dinner on Sunday

and, well, I had an idea.

You must be so proud.

Why don't you ask Reggie?

Did Margaret tell you to do this?

No, it's the one thing today she didn't tell me to do.

But think about it.

She already knows what you're like,

she's already seen the way you dress,

and if you've been to the diner today,

she's seen that green thing between your teeth.

You're good to go.

Mr. Kirkham, how'd this happen?

Long story. When will I be able to take this thing off?

Well, looks like a few more weeks.

That's a pretty bad break.

Seriously, how'd this happen?

If I tell you, will you promise not to laugh because I really--

I can't take any more laughing.

I really don't find anything funny

about a broken collarbone, Mr. Kirkham.

Well, the other day,

I-I was walking by that construction site

over there on Belson Street.

Mm-hm.

And they've got some of those portable toilets there

and, well, let's just say, I really had to go.

So I figured, what the hell. You know.

I picked one, I got in and locked the door and--

And I sat down.

Go on.

Okay. All of a sudden, it started to shake.

Then next thing I know, it's going up in the air.

Turns out there was a crane

that was putting the toilet on the back of a truck

where it got jammed up against other toilets

and I couldn't get out.

So there I am

banging on the door with one hand,

pulling my pants up with the other and yelling for help.

And nobody heard me.

And then-- Then the truck takes off.

( snorts )

We hit a pothole

and the toilet went flying off the truck.

There was a moment when the toilet went upside down.

I swear, I-I would've traded places

with anyone in the universe.

And-- ( snorting )

It rolled down a hill.

Finally came to a stop in a schoolyard playground.

Kids, I mean, they can be so cruel.

The laughter started there and it moved to the paramedics

and-- Then it went through the entire hospital.

I've never been so humiliated.

Wow. Some people can be so insensitive.

You know something?

Your shoulder's healing just fine.

Why don't you come back in a couple of weeks

and we'll take some new x-rays?

Thanks, doctor.

And, uh, thank you for understanding.

( Becker laughing obnoxiously )

S-sorry.

( chuckling )

( knock on door )

Yeah?

John, here's your tuxedo.

And the hospital called to confirm

your reservations at the dinner.

Well, I-I still don't have a date.

Well, I suppose you could ask your doctor friend Julie.

You know, the one you call when you get a little cranky.

And then the next morning, you're a lot less cranky.

Julie and I don't go out.

We stay in. It works for us.

Well, there's always Reggie.

Hey, Margaret, we've already been through this.

I just don't understand why you're being so stubborn.

Because you don't understand women.

I am a woman.

That's why you have no perspective.

Oh, well, then, please enlighten me.

All right.

Women are crazy.

They-- They never take anything at face value.

Everything has a deeper meaning.

If I go out with Reggie,

she's not gonna look at this as just one date.

She's gonna think of this as the start of a relationship.

I'm gonna have to tell her that it isn't.

Then there'll be tension between us

and I'll have to find a new place to get my coffee

and my whole world will be in turmoil.

And you know what happens

when my head's not screwed on straight.

I might misdiagnose somebody and then the guy would sue us

and I-I'd lose everything

and have to shut down the practice and--

And you and Linda would be out on the street.

And all of this is gonna happen

just because you asked Reggie to that dinner?

Exactly.

Ooh. Nobody would believe this.

Boy, am I glad I got this on tape.

Hello. Oh, jeez.

Would you stop coming in here when I'm not home, please?

Hey, you've been busting up my chops

to fix your freaking shower drip.

So I fixed your freaking shower drip.

I called ya two months ago.

Yeah, I didn't think I'd be here so fast either.

A tuxedo. Where are you going?

None of your business.

Excuse me for trying to make some freaking small talk.

Yeah, well, if it will get you out of here any quicker,

I have to go to a formal dinner.

Now, goodbye.

Who are you going with?

I haven't decided yet. Goodbye.

Hey, maybe Alexi can help.

Do you like big breasts?

What?

How about Miss Munchnik in 5B?

She's 65 years old.

But no moustache. Has her own teeth.

In Russia, she'd be a real catch.

Okay, okay, I'll keep thinking.

Wait one freaking minute. I got it.

What about that, uh, Reggie, down at diner?

All right, all right,

now this is getting surreal.

Reggie's very much hot broad.

We are completely wrong for each other.

It would totally change our relationship

and why am I telling you this?

Screw me.

I thought we were bonding.

Yeah, well, we're not.

I still think you should ask that Reggie.

Hey, go away, will ya?

You're so freaking closed off emotionally.

I think you have hard time relating to women.

Hey, Brezhnev, you know,

take your tool belt and get out of here, will ya?

I do not have trouble relating to women.

( bell ringing )

Holly.

John Becker.

I know you, John.

You've been in my house.

Oh, yeah. Listen, you wanna go to the dance with me on Friday?

Sure, that would be nice.

Good. Just don't wear one of those

stupid-looking poofy dresses.

And don't expect a corsage either.

Five bucks for a lousy flower, what's the point?

Oh, and tell your parents we're not posing for dopey pictures

in front of the mantle so they can say how grown up we look.

It's a load of crap.

And trust me, those pictures will come back

to haunt us someday.

Better yet, just meet me outside.

Your house has kind of a funny smell.

Do you know what, John?

I just changed my mind.

I'd rather not go to the dance with you.

Lesbian.

( bell rings )

Hey, Jake. Hey.

Where's Reggie today?

Oh, she's at the bank.

Can I pour you some coffee?

I don't know. Let's see.

Go ahead.

That's not bad, not bad.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Jake, I'm back.

Thanks for watching the counter.

Becker, I'll be with you in a minute.

So you gonna break down and ask Reggie to that dinner?

What is it with you people?

Do you have a club or something?

I just thought you two would be good together. Man.

Okay, Becker, what do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a-- There's a dinner Sunday night.

It's a fundraiser. Formal.

It's for Children's Hospital. You wanna go?

You're asking me out on a real date?

Well, yeah. Look, if it's a bad idea--

I'd love to.

Since the first time you walked in here,

I've been hoping you'd ask me out.

I've always been attracted to you, I just...

I've been too afraid to make the first move.

But now that I know you feel the same way I do...

( sighs )

I really think this could be so much more than a date.

We could have a future together.

I-I know it's not like me to gush like this.

Just, oh, I'm so happy.

Okay, Becker.

So, what do you need?

Nothing. Uh...

Some more coffee, please.

Hey, Theresa. How are you feeling?

Still exhausted.

Yeah.

Well, I got your test results back.

Good news is you don't have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,

you don't have Epstein-Barr.

Looks to me like you're tired just 'cause you're tired.

Oh, good. So then it's just because of my life.

Yeah. See, I thought things were getting better now.

That guy you were seeing was extradited, right?

That's good news.

Yeah.

Well, work okay? Kids okay?

Yeah, oh, kids are great.

Healthy as can be. Healthy damn kids.

Four boys.

Doctor, what is it with boys?

They don't stop. They don't fear anything.

All they do is run, scream and jump.

And they spit. Mm.

What is that about?

Uh, it's a guy thing.

Thing is I don't get two seconds to myself.

I'd give anything for one decent night of sleep.

Yeah. Know what? Maybe we ought to think about

getting someone to help you out with the kids.

Yeah, I-- I have somebody.

A couple times a week

I leave 'em with my neighbor, Mrs. Ramirez.

But she's got a pacemaker,

so it's just a matter of time before they kill her.

And today, they're with my sister Donna.

But every time I ask her, I get "the lecture".

Big shot.

Just 'cause she got a husband.

( knock on door )

Well, don't-- Don't be down on yourself.

Now, you came close a couple of times, right? Yeah?

John, I've got Mr. Colpits on the phone.

He's asking about his meds.

Excuse me for a second, Theresa.

Yeah?

He said he's feeling light-headed

since starting the Zestril.

All right, tell him to drop his dose to five milligrams.

Then have him come in to re-check his blood pressure.

Oh, and you got a message from someone named Pam.

Yeah? She said she can't make it Sunday.

Ah, c-- Yeah, what's her excuse?

She said, and I quote:

"After our last date,

I'm surprised he had the nerve to call me again."

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot about that.

( knock on door )

Dr. Becker? Yeah?

This is my friend Heather.

I think she'd make an excellent date

for your dinner on Sunday.

You've gotta be kidding me.

"Heather is an Aquarian

"who enjoys long walks on the beach and rave clubs.

"Her turn-ons include any book on tape,

"scented candles and honesty.

"Her turn-offs include fur, Kenny G...

and carbohydrates."

I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.

What? No, hey, Linda, don't do--

Yay.

Okay, uh, Linda's filled me in on your abrasive personality

and your utter disregard for other people's feelings,

but I'm okay with that.

In fact, I can fix you.

It's what I do.

Margaret.

( laughing )

What are you reading?

Mr. Kirkham's file.

I just got to the part where the toilet

fell off the back of the truck.

Yeah.

Mar-- Margaret, listen, he's our patient.

We-- We need to be professional here.

( both laughing )

Did you...? Did you...?

Dr. Becker, I can't believe you let me sleep like that.

You know I gotta get home to my kids.

My sister's gonna kill me.

Relax, relax, everything's fine.

Your kids are okay.

I called your sister

and I told her you'd be coming home late.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, listen, about your children.

Hey, you know, I got a couple of patients that are retired.

They got a lot of time on their hands.

Maybe I should give them a call.

That's really nice. Especially for you.

Yeah. Goodnight.

Hey, Dr. Becker,

I know it's probably none of my business,

but, uh, Linda was telling me

that you need a date for some dinner--

No, no, no, uh, thanks, really.

I-- I don't date patients.

Not me.

No, I-I was thinking of Reggie down at the diner.

You know what--? Hey, you, go home.

What's going on around here?

Every time I turn around

somebody's telling me I should go out with Reggie.

I keep telling 'em it's a terrible idea.

Well, here's something I bet never occurred to you.

You could be wrong.

I am not.

Hey, Jake. Hey, John.

What are you doing here so late?

Oh, I've just been thinking I'm making too much

out of this whole dinner thing.

You know, may-- Maybe I should just take Reggie.

It'd be good for her to get out.

You know, do her hair, get dressed up.

'Cause, you know, frankly,

her world's been getting a little small lately.

I mean, she's got, you know, the diner and, well, you.

You know, not much.

Oh, hey, Becker.

Just about to close up. What do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a dinner, Sunday. It's a fundraiser, formal.

It's for Children's Hospital. You wanna go?

You're asking me out on a date?

Well, yeah. Look, if it's a bad idea--

No, not at all.

I bet we'd have a good time.

But, Becker, I-- I just wanna be clear.

Let's not make this more than it is.

It's not a big deal.

It's not like we're starting a relationship.

It's just two friends going out one night to have a few laughs.

Perfect.

Oh, hey, Becker.

I was just about to close up. What do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a dinner, Sunday. It's a fundraiser, formal.

It's for Children's Hospital. You wanna go?

Nah, I don't think so.

What?

Oh, no offence, Becker.

But, uh, I don't know, it sounds kind of like a boring evening.

You know, stuck-up people,

dull speeches, not my idea of fun.

But thanks anyway.

Hey, uh, Jake, mind closing up for me?

Okay. Thanks.

Lesbian.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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