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1
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ARCHER: Come on, you know you want it.
LANA: You don't know what I want.
2
00:00:04,420 --> 00:00:06,963
ARCHER:
Oh, yes, I do. Come on, just the tip.
3
00:00:07,131 --> 00:00:09,340
I don't know. It's pretty big.
4
00:00:09,508 --> 00:00:12,260
I think it's just the standard
breakfast burrito size.
5
00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:14,429
Here, first take a bite of mine.
6
00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:17,557
No, first you take a bite of mine.
Let's do it together.
7
00:00:17,725 --> 00:00:20,226
Is that crazy? Oh, my God, okay.
8
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[BOTH MOANING]
9
00:00:28,277 --> 00:00:30,278
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Oh, my, God.
10
00:00:30,446 --> 00:00:32,071
Men's room?
Broom closet.
11
00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:37,410
It's dirtier. No, bring the burrito.
Oh, my, God.
12
00:00:40,205 --> 00:00:42,206
[PAM VOMITS AND ALL GROAN]
13
00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:45,293
Well, we were all thinking it.
14
00:00:45,461 --> 00:00:47,253
That and how chili's not breakfast.
15
00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:50,631
Well, technically anything's breakfast,
if it's your first meal of the day.
16
00:00:50,799 --> 00:00:53,551
Oh, then Ray's right.
And also, duh.
17
00:00:53,719 --> 00:00:56,637
Well, hooray. Give yourself a hand.
You know what?!
18
00:00:56,805 --> 00:01:00,224
I know you better sit your ass down
before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.
19
00:01:00,392 --> 00:01:03,144
Hey, Pam, Ray. Come on, you two.
20
00:01:03,312 --> 00:01:06,689
You're not mad at each other.
You're mad at the unspeakably revolting...
21
00:01:06,857 --> 00:01:09,776
...symbiotic mass of bodily fluids
that is now Archer and Lana.
22
00:01:09,943 --> 00:01:11,277
They make me sick.
23
00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:13,696
Rub it in our faces
how we're doomed to be alone.
24
00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:16,282
Well, your face. And Ray's, I guess.
25
00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,618
Wait, nobody's rubbing off in my face.
26
00:01:18,786 --> 00:01:21,204
That's her point.
And think how hard watching them...
27
00:01:21,371 --> 00:01:24,665
...must be for Cyril.
No. It's... That's not... I mean, come on.
28
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:28,294
I'm totally over Lana, so...
Cyril, you can lie to yourself.
29
00:01:28,462 --> 00:01:31,631
Obviously, look at your sweater.
But don't lie to Team Breakup.
30
00:01:31,799 --> 00:01:34,092
What?
Guys, it's obvious what we gotta do.
31
00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:36,594
Throw acid in their kissy faces.
32
00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:38,262
No.
Wait.
33
00:01:38,430 --> 00:01:41,933
You wanna try to break them up?
I mean, it's either that or...
34
00:01:42,101 --> 00:01:46,020
No. The solution to every problem
isn't throwing fricking acid on it.
35
00:01:46,188 --> 00:01:49,607
Unless the problem is a solution
with an overly-alkaline Ph balance.
36
00:01:49,775 --> 00:01:52,401
Krieger, hush. Pam, you have a plan?
I don't know.
37
00:01:52,569 --> 00:01:54,862
We could do something
like one of those bait cars?
38
00:01:55,030 --> 00:01:57,698
But obviously, the car would be a vagina.
Hmm.
39
00:01:57,866 --> 00:02:00,785
Okay, so we get a woman
that Archer would find irresistible.
40
00:02:00,953 --> 00:02:03,871
Maybe by having her fog a mirror.
Put her in Archer's path...
41
00:02:04,039 --> 00:02:07,208
...and his pathological need to sleep
with every woman does the rest.
42
00:02:07,376 --> 00:02:10,044
Or, you know, a lot of couples
break up if their kid dies.
43
00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:12,547
Really?
Yeah. Easy peasy.
44
00:02:12,714 --> 00:02:15,550
We hire somebody to kidnap
their fat, gross baby.
45
00:02:15,717 --> 00:02:19,470
There's this huge man-slash-baby hunt.
It's in all the newspapers.
46
00:02:19,638 --> 00:02:22,014
On the wireless.
America's going apeshit.
47
00:02:22,182 --> 00:02:23,933
Then, we double-cross the kidnapper...
48
00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:27,103
...who obviously we paid
with easily... traceable gold certificates.
49
00:02:27,271 --> 00:02:29,814
We plant a shitload of dicey evidence
in his garage.
50
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:34,485
Tip off the cops, he's basically convicted
of being German and then: zap!
51
00:02:34,653 --> 00:02:37,947
Dirt nap for the kraut.
Compliments of old Sparky.
52
00:02:38,115 --> 00:02:39,448
Goddamn.
Wireless?
53
00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:42,535
But wait. If it's a kidnapping...
Ugh!
54
00:02:42,703 --> 00:02:45,079
CHERYL: The child is sent to Bhutan,
where, for 20 years...
55
00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:46,747
...she's raised as an assassin...
56
00:02:46,915 --> 00:02:50,418
...by Ra's al Ghul before returning
to destroy those who once betrayed her.
57
00:02:51,503 --> 00:02:56,674
Us.
Yes. But it buys us time.
58
00:03:36,173 --> 00:03:39,508
ARCHER: Oh, my God, Lana. That was...
LANA: That was insane.
59
00:03:39,676 --> 00:03:43,554
It's insane, like, every time now.
What is going on with you?
60
00:03:43,722 --> 00:03:45,473
Going on with me how?
What do you mean?
61
00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:49,810
I mean, and don't take this the wrong way,
but did your dick get bigger?
62
00:03:49,978 --> 00:03:53,481
I don't think so. Is that a thing?
I think I would have heard of it.
63
00:03:53,649 --> 00:03:56,359
Wait, in Le Retour de Martin Guerre,
didn't his get bigger?
64
00:03:56,526 --> 00:04:00,571
Nope. His feet got smaller.
Oh. Well, I know my feet are the same.
65
00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:03,491
His wife fell in love with him
when he came back. He was caring...
66
00:04:03,659 --> 00:04:05,826
...and loving, which he wasn't before.
67
00:04:05,994 --> 00:04:07,620
Larger penis probably didn't hurt.
68
00:04:07,788 --> 00:04:11,249
I'm sure my feet are the same.
My cordwainer would have said something.
69
00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:14,377
Whatever, for some reason, I don't
have to suppress my gag reflex now...
70
00:04:14,544 --> 00:04:18,130
...whenever you mention your cordwainer.
What should I call him? A shoemaker?
71
00:04:18,298 --> 00:04:20,508
What I'm trying to say is,
you were different...
72
00:04:20,676 --> 00:04:22,802
...then you were
when we dated the first time.
73
00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:26,180
More mature, maybe?
And definitely more focused on me.
74
00:04:26,348 --> 00:04:29,850
As opposed to every single woman
you meet in a bar...
75
00:04:30,018 --> 00:04:32,770
...or at a party,
or just merely walking down the street.
76
00:04:32,938 --> 00:04:36,399
I... Yeah. I... I'm sorry for that time.
Sss.
77
00:04:36,566 --> 00:04:39,360
Times, yes. Plural. And I promise you...
78
00:04:39,528 --> 00:04:41,862
...that won't ever happen again.
It better not.
79
00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:44,657
Because this time...
It's really kind of good, right?
80
00:04:44,825 --> 00:04:47,034
No, Archer, it's great. Somehow.
81
00:04:47,202 --> 00:04:49,203
I can't remember when I was this happy.
82
00:04:49,371 --> 00:04:53,666
You recently gave birth to a child.
Shit, right.
83
00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:57,503
But besides that,
this is the happiest I've been in a while.
84
00:04:57,671 --> 00:05:00,089
Which is why we can't tell Mother
we're dating again.
85
00:05:00,257 --> 00:05:02,717
Obvious?
Because she'd try to break us up somehow.
86
00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:05,052
She can't stand for me
to be in a relationship.
87
00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:07,346
I think it actually
causes her physical pain.
88
00:05:07,514 --> 00:05:10,766
You realize your relationship with Malory
isn't a huge selling point?
89
00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:15,479
Yeah. So to make up for it, what say
I bend you back over the mop sink?
90
00:05:15,647 --> 00:05:17,315
Bring it, Sommersby.
91
00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:21,319
Because, you ding dong, our bait-car hooker
has to be hotter than Lana.
92
00:05:21,486 --> 00:05:26,657
Pfft. That won't be hard.
What?! Did you suddenly go blind?
93
00:05:26,825 --> 00:05:27,992
No. Phew.
94
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,746
But, Pam, come on. The prostitutes
on this website are like... Cheesy Pete's!
95
00:05:31,913 --> 00:05:33,497
Some of them are 10,000 a night.
96
00:05:33,665 --> 00:05:35,624
Yeah. So 2 grand apiece.
Are you...?
97
00:05:35,792 --> 00:05:38,377
I wouldn't even pay $2000
to get myself laid.
98
00:05:38,545 --> 00:05:41,922
Well, maybe now, but a few more weeks
without that hand...
99
00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:45,593
That's not even the hand I...
Don't see how that's any of your beeswax.
100
00:05:45,761 --> 00:05:48,471
Speaking of, do I smell beeswax?
101
00:05:48,638 --> 00:05:50,723
Probably.
Maybe you can pay one of these...
102
00:05:50,891 --> 00:05:52,475
...high-class hookers with it.
103
00:05:52,642 --> 00:05:53,893
PAM: Really?
No.
104
00:05:54,061 --> 00:05:56,270
Because I'm not chipping in
2000 bucks.
105
00:05:56,438 --> 00:06:00,107
Or even 1000. Because I just found
out our shitty insurance...
106
00:06:00,275 --> 00:06:02,651
...doesn't cover prosthetic limbs.
Really?
107
00:06:02,819 --> 00:06:06,906
How do you not...? You're head of HR.
Because I got two fricking hands.
108
00:06:07,074 --> 00:06:09,075
[ALL CLAMORING]
109
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:11,827
[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING]
110
00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:13,579
PAM: Jesus.
CHERYL: Ear balls.
111
00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:15,623
If I wanted to hear you people scream...
112
00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:18,751
...I'd have you flown
to a CIA black site in Morocco...
113
00:06:18,919 --> 00:06:21,921
...and listen to your torture session
on speakerphone.
114
00:06:22,089 --> 00:06:25,091
Speaking of, any word from Slater?
No.
115
00:06:25,258 --> 00:06:28,344
Not a word from the CIA
since you idiots ruined the mission...
116
00:06:28,512 --> 00:06:30,429
...with the Durhani royal family.
117
00:06:30,597 --> 00:06:33,140
So I have no idea what our status is.
118
00:06:33,308 --> 00:06:35,434
For all I know,
we're wanted for treason again.
119
00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,269
Well, no news is good news.
120
00:06:37,437 --> 00:06:40,356
You do realize
this is an intelligence agency?
121
00:06:40,524 --> 00:06:41,857
Ostensibly.
What?!
122
00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:43,526
Nothing.
123
00:06:43,693 --> 00:06:45,319
[MALORY AND CHERYL GROAN]
124
00:06:45,487 --> 00:06:49,532
Why don't we just tell her they're dating?
She'll make them so crazy they'll break up.
125
00:06:49,699 --> 00:06:52,993
Then she'd tell them we told her.
Then even if I did want Lana back...
126
00:06:53,161 --> 00:06:54,995
...which I don't...
It wouldn't matter.
127
00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:57,748
Because Mr. Archer would feed you
your own bones.
128
00:06:57,916 --> 00:07:01,127
I don't know about that.
Please. You'd die of marrow poisoning.
129
00:07:01,294 --> 00:07:02,962
So come on. Let's pick a hooker.
130
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:05,798
One that Archer's never had sex with.
Is there one?
131
00:07:05,966 --> 00:07:09,844
You're forgetting what the largest
sex organ on the human body is.
132
00:07:10,011 --> 00:07:12,388
The penis?
Well, I was gonna say vagina.
133
00:07:12,556 --> 00:07:14,723
I was gonna say "Pam's vagina."
Me too.
134
00:07:14,891 --> 00:07:16,600
The brain.
ALL: Ew!
135
00:07:16,768 --> 00:07:18,853
Not like that,
what is wrong with you people?
136
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,062
Ray's missing a hand.
137
00:07:20,230 --> 00:07:22,356
Archer won't risk
his relationship with Lana...
138
00:07:22,524 --> 00:07:24,775
...for a previous conquest,
especially a prostitute.
139
00:07:24,943 --> 00:07:27,153
For a man like him,
it's all about the hunt.
140
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,655
They're all gonna have...
I said hunt.
141
00:07:29,823 --> 00:07:33,159
Oh. Still, though.
So we have to pay a hooker up front...
142
00:07:33,326 --> 00:07:36,537
...to bump into Archer somewhere
and just hope he's never banged her?
143
00:07:36,705 --> 00:07:39,206
Come on, it's New York.
I bet there's 20,000 hookers.
144
00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:42,460
What are the odds Mr. Archer
already banged whichever one we pick?
145
00:07:42,627 --> 00:07:44,295
I was gonna say fifty-fifty.
Me too.
146
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:46,046
I was gonna say "Pam's vagina."
147
00:07:46,214 --> 00:07:48,048
So we have to find a beautiful woman...
148
00:07:48,216 --> 00:07:50,885
...who Archer's never had sex with.
Or...
149
00:07:51,052 --> 00:07:52,761
Well, that counts me out.
Me too.
150
00:07:52,929 --> 00:07:55,222
Which part?
Keep it up, Stumplestiltskin.
151
00:07:55,390 --> 00:07:56,891
Or... Both of you shut up.
152
00:07:57,058 --> 00:08:01,228
Better yet, a woman who has
a powerful psychological hold over Archer.
153
00:08:01,771 --> 00:08:03,814
Please, tell me you don't mean his mother.
154
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:05,733
What?
Yeah, because even for us...
155
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:07,401
I'm not talking about Ms. Archer.
156
00:08:07,569 --> 00:08:11,071
The only woman Archer ever really cared
about besides Lana is...
157
00:08:11,239 --> 00:08:13,407
ALL: Ah!
What? Who?
158
00:08:13,575 --> 00:08:15,242
Seriously?
Yeah. Who is it?
159
00:08:15,410 --> 00:08:18,537
Hang on, before we call her,
are we sure we want to do this?
160
00:08:18,705 --> 00:08:23,959
No, you're my smoochy-boochy.
No, you're my smoochy-boochy.
161
00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:25,336
[ALL GROAN]
162
00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:27,671
So is there a country code, or...?
KATYA: Da?
163
00:08:28,381 --> 00:08:33,344
Yes. This is Colonel Kasanova.
Yes. Oh, really?
164
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:36,305
Yes? Yes? I understand.
165
00:08:36,473 --> 00:08:39,350
Yes. Yes. Goodbye.
166
00:08:39,935 --> 00:08:41,810
Who was that?
Who was who?
167
00:08:41,978 --> 00:08:44,063
What are you talking about?
You were...
168
00:08:44,231 --> 00:08:47,650
Did you just not have telephone call?
Heh-heh. No.
169
00:08:47,817 --> 00:08:51,111
Don't be an idiot.
Also, I must go to America.
170
00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:54,823
Unrelated to the telephone call
that I just did not receive.
171
00:09:00,497 --> 00:09:02,957
[TOILET FLUSHES]
172
00:09:03,166 --> 00:09:04,959
ARCHER: Cyril.
Archer.
173
00:09:05,126 --> 00:09:08,045
How are you holding up, buddy?
With regard to...?
174
00:09:08,213 --> 00:09:10,965
Um, me and Lana?
Oh, right.
175
00:09:11,132 --> 00:09:14,051
Gotta be tough, huh?
Yeah, I'm barely muddling through.
176
00:09:14,219 --> 00:09:16,720
I'm sensing a little sarcasm.
177
00:09:16,888 --> 00:09:19,223
Really?
Yes, Cyril, I am.
178
00:09:19,391 --> 00:09:22,142
Maybe that's because I don't care
that you're dating Lana...
179
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,979
...because you'll never have
what she and I had.
180
00:09:25,146 --> 00:09:26,855
Like what?
Like, uh...
181
00:09:27,023 --> 00:09:28,899
I don't know, Archer. The little things.
182
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:30,568
Like Stir Friday.
You're right.
183
00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:33,737
Nothing I could do could ever compare
to the sensual pleasures...
184
00:09:33,905 --> 00:09:36,991
...to be found in a greasy wok
full of tiny ears of corn...
185
00:09:37,158 --> 00:09:40,327
...and meat the exact size
and shape of dice. Which...
186
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:44,415
You just realized is why that method
of chopping food is called dicing.
187
00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:49,920
Maybe. And maybe since it's Friday, Cyril,
tonight, I'm gonna make Lana stir-fry.
188
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:54,258
You what? No.
Yes. So soy you later.
189
00:09:54,426 --> 00:09:56,260
[ARCHER CHUCKLING]
190
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:57,511
[DOOR OPENS]
191
00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:02,224
Soy.
Operation Stir Cry-day is go, over.
192
00:10:02,392 --> 00:10:04,852
PAM: Copy that, Figgis Newton.
What?
193
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:08,439
And also, shitty operation name.
Why can't you use the women's?
194
00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:12,192
And why'd you give me a walkie-talkie?
Why do you care?
195
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,278
About either?
LANA: Wait. What?
196
00:10:14,446 --> 00:10:17,281
Dinner, tonight, my place. I'll cook.
197
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:21,702
What is this, like a word scramble?
No, it's like me cooking you dinner.
198
00:10:21,870 --> 00:10:23,495
You, as in Woodhouse?
199
00:10:23,663 --> 00:10:26,707
No, me as in me, Lana.
I don't even know where Woodhouse is.
200
00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:30,210
I actually haven't seen him
in, like, weeks. Uh-huh.
201
00:10:30,378 --> 00:10:33,589
I'm cooking. Me, Lana. Me. Me.
MALORY: Oh...
202
00:10:33,757 --> 00:10:37,551
You two and your constant bickering.
What is it this time?
203
00:10:37,719 --> 00:10:39,637
Lana's hogging the copier.
204
00:10:39,804 --> 00:10:43,223
I swear to sweet Jesus.
Okay, Julia Childish.
205
00:10:43,391 --> 00:10:47,227
I'll get a sitter for A.J. So, what time
is dinner? And can I bring anything?
206
00:10:47,395 --> 00:10:51,315
Let's say 7-ish and, yes,
you can bring 100 copies of this.
207
00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:54,985
[ARCHER HUMMING]
208
00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:57,905
LANA:
Wait. What?
209
00:10:58,073 --> 00:10:59,239
[HORN HONKING]
210
00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:00,824
KRIEGER:
Come on.
211
00:11:00,992 --> 00:11:03,744
Sorry, I had to get
stakeout supplies and...
212
00:11:03,912 --> 00:11:07,122
What happened to your van?
We can't stake out Archer's apartment...
213
00:11:07,290 --> 00:11:10,751
...in the Rush van, it's way too iconic.
CYRIL: Wait, this is actual ice cream.
214
00:11:10,919 --> 00:11:12,336
Plus, I've been moonlighting.
215
00:11:12,504 --> 00:11:14,922
[ALL GROAN AND HOLOGRAM SPEAKS
IN JAPANESE]
216
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:18,258
KRIEGER: Shut up.
Okay, little help here, numbnuts.
217
00:11:18,426 --> 00:11:23,138
Think you got enough beer?
No. Ah. But I brought a couple joints.
218
00:11:23,306 --> 00:11:25,307
[ARCHER HUMMING]
219
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:26,975
[DOOR OPENS]
220
00:11:27,143 --> 00:11:30,479
No, it's cool. I got it, Woodhouse.
Unless you came home?
221
00:11:30,647 --> 00:11:35,150
You little scamp.
Woodhouse? Woodhouse.
222
00:11:35,318 --> 00:11:38,153
Seriously, I hope he didn't die.
223
00:11:38,905 --> 00:11:41,865
Meemo. Check obituaries.
224
00:11:42,575 --> 00:11:45,369
Meemo. Tell Woodhouse
to buy newspa... Damn.
225
00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:46,954
No, that's just a feedback loop.
226
00:11:47,122 --> 00:11:48,122
[FAUCET SQUEAKS]
227
00:11:48,289 --> 00:11:50,666
What? Goddamn it, Woodhouse,
you stack of bones...
228
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:53,711
...if you're using my bathroom,
you're gonna need an obitu...
229
00:11:53,878 --> 00:11:58,674
What the...? Woodhouse?
No, my darling. It is I.
230
00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:02,136
Katya?
Heh. Well, you sound surprised, darling.
231
00:12:02,303 --> 00:12:06,306
Well, why are you in my bathroom?
Oh, I was just preparing.
232
00:12:06,474 --> 00:12:11,228
In my apartment? In America?
Oh, I just had to see you, darling.
233
00:12:11,396 --> 00:12:13,772
I have been longing for your tender touch.
234
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:17,568
Well, but just, like, out of the blue?
Was Barry's touch not tender? Or...?
235
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:20,571
I, how you say, uh, "dump" Barry.
236
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:23,073
Oh, right.
You knew this?
237
00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:27,953
I assumed it was bound to happen,
since Barry was such a douche.
238
00:12:28,121 --> 00:12:29,997
And still is. Presumably.
239
00:12:30,165 --> 00:12:32,916
And also alive, and not crushed
and then burned to death...
240
00:12:33,084 --> 00:12:35,419
...in a grain silo. Presumably.
241
00:12:35,587 --> 00:12:39,047
What is the matter, darling?
Are you not excited to see your Katya?
242
00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:42,926
No, "excited" is actually
the exact word I would have cho...
243
00:12:43,094 --> 00:12:44,887
[ARCHER MOANING]
244
00:12:45,054 --> 00:12:49,475
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
This is, like, the perfect day.
245
00:12:49,642 --> 00:12:54,354
Aw. The day Archer finally gets what's
been coming to him all these years.
246
00:12:54,522 --> 00:12:57,691
So wait. When did you put
all those cameras in his apartment?
247
00:12:57,859 --> 00:13:00,819
The same time I did the rest of...
You know what's good? Hochschiebens.
248
00:13:00,987 --> 00:13:03,322
Yeah, let's all have a Hochschieben.
249
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:05,532
[KRIEGER SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
250
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:09,161
Yes. I mean, no.
I mean, my neck's all sweaty.
251
00:13:09,329 --> 00:13:11,997
It can't possibly taste good so...
Mmm.
252
00:13:12,165 --> 00:13:16,460
I love. It's salty. It's like caviar.
253
00:13:16,628 --> 00:13:19,588
Which, boy,
talk about an acquired taste, huh?
254
00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:22,257
And a little-known fact...
255
00:13:22,425 --> 00:13:25,511
Darling, you're on fire.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
256
00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:27,137
So are you.
No.
257
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:29,389
Literally.
You mean figuratively.
258
00:13:29,557 --> 00:13:32,059
Oh, God, there's so much
we never had time to...
259
00:13:32,227 --> 00:13:34,394
[SCREAMING]
260
00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:36,730
Darling, there. The champagne.
261
00:13:37,398 --> 00:13:39,566
[ARCHER CLEARS THROAT,
THEN GROANS]
262
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:42,194
Very high in cholesterol. Caviar.
263
00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:45,906
Darling, are you all right?
Yeah. I'm fine.
264
00:13:46,074 --> 00:13:49,451
Messrs. Kilgour, French, Stanbury,
Turnbull and Asser, not so much.
265
00:13:49,619 --> 00:13:52,454
Oh, well, then let's get you
out of these wet clothes...
266
00:13:52,622 --> 00:13:54,957
...and into something...
Dry?
267
00:13:55,124 --> 00:13:56,250
[CHUCKLES]
268
00:13:56,417 --> 00:14:00,128
Oh, I can promise you, it is not dry.
269
00:14:00,296 --> 00:14:01,505
[GULPS]
270
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,222
Blarp.
271
00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:14,017
Well, in the immortal words
of Wendell Stamps...
272
00:14:14,185 --> 00:14:16,895
...that's going in the slideshow.
273
00:14:17,063 --> 00:14:19,731
Burp. No offense.
Why would I be offen...?
274
00:14:19,899 --> 00:14:22,025
[CHERYL BELCHES, THEN LAUGHS]
275
00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,280
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
276
00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:34,788
KATYA [OVER TV]:
Oh, baby, it is all over everything.
277
00:14:34,956 --> 00:14:40,043
CYRIL: So is Cheryl. Will you get off?
That's what she said, right?
278
00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:42,880
More like what he said.
Katya, please.
279
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:45,048
Please, I have to tell you something.
280
00:14:45,216 --> 00:14:49,052
I'm listening. Go ahead, baby.
They're jingling, baby.
281
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:53,181
Huh. I didn't know you were a fan
of early crossover mainstream hip-hop.
282
00:14:53,349 --> 00:14:56,977
Or that you were that strong.
Oh, my God. I'm glad I'm not a woman.
283
00:14:57,145 --> 00:14:58,979
[KATYA SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
284
00:14:59,147 --> 00:15:01,481
No, not in a general sense. Look.
285
00:15:01,649 --> 00:15:02,983
CYRIL:
Look, look, here comes Lana.
286
00:15:03,151 --> 00:15:08,030
Oh, man, I don't wanna sound greedy
but a threesome and then a breakup? Burp!
287
00:15:08,197 --> 00:15:12,826
Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy?
You have pizza?
288
00:15:12,994 --> 00:15:15,495
[CAR ALARM BEEPS
AND LANA HUMMING]
289
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:22,878
Darling, I do not understand.
290
00:15:23,046 --> 00:15:26,340
I know, and me neither.
This is all uncharted territory for me.
291
00:15:26,507 --> 00:15:28,800
But I've changed, Katya. I've changed.
292
00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:31,929
Well, I have also changed.
My new operating system...
293
00:15:32,096 --> 00:15:34,890
...includes the entire Kama Sutra.
Wow, okay.
294
00:15:35,058 --> 00:15:38,894
The first edition of the old
Mr. Boston Official Bartender's Guide...
295
00:15:39,062 --> 00:15:44,524
...and a deep, hard-wired understanding
and appreciation of men's lacrosse.
296
00:15:44,692 --> 00:15:48,153
Aah!
No, darling, wait.
297
00:15:48,321 --> 00:15:50,030
[HUMMING]
298
00:15:50,198 --> 00:15:52,407
What?
MAN: Out of order.
299
00:15:52,575 --> 00:15:55,410
Yes, thank you. I can see that.
Why you ask?
300
00:15:57,747 --> 00:16:00,374
Out of order?
I'll show you out of order.
301
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:05,379
Lana Kane? The giant negress?
Hey. Now, come on. She's not...
302
00:16:05,546 --> 00:16:07,673
What? A negress?
Gigantic.
303
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,842
I mean, she's tall, but a lot of
that's the boots and the hair...
304
00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:14,262
...and those hands aren't doing her
any favors, human-size-wise.
305
00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:16,306
She's basically Groot.
306
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:18,225
[SPUTTERING]
307
00:16:18,393 --> 00:16:21,269
In the dark it's like Eubie Blake's
reaching out for you, but...
308
00:16:21,437 --> 00:16:23,772
But you prefer her to me?
309
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:27,359
I mean, no, but wait.
You slept with Barry at our wedding.
310
00:16:27,527 --> 00:16:29,903
Ah! At second wedding.
Oh, right.
311
00:16:30,071 --> 00:16:32,656
At our first wedding...
I saved your life from Barry...
312
00:16:32,824 --> 00:16:34,783
...and in process, I lose my own life.
313
00:16:34,951 --> 00:16:38,620
But then again, you slept with him
at our second wedding, which kind of...
314
00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:42,457
You were the one who could not deal
with the fact that I am now cyborg.
315
00:16:42,625 --> 00:16:45,210
You were the one who banged Barry.
Ah! Bozhe moi.
316
00:16:45,378 --> 00:16:48,714
You have not changed a bit.
Ha! Shows what you know.
317
00:16:48,881 --> 00:16:52,217
You Barry-banger. I have changed.
I have a kid.
318
00:16:52,385 --> 00:16:54,928
[KATYA GASPS,
THEN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
319
00:16:56,055 --> 00:17:00,434
Yeah. A little baby girl, Abbiejean.
With Lana.
320
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:04,896
And then we started going out again
and somehow it's kind of amazing, really.
321
00:17:05,064 --> 00:17:08,150
We're, like, connecting, you know?
I realize that all this time...
322
00:17:08,317 --> 00:17:12,237
...even though we fought like cats
and a very tall dog...
323
00:17:12,405 --> 00:17:14,823
...we've always been best friends.
324
00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:17,200
And then to realize you
might actually be in love...
325
00:17:17,368 --> 00:17:20,746
...with your best friend who also happens
to be the mother of your child.
326
00:17:20,913 --> 00:17:23,331
That's, like, a miracle.
327
00:17:23,499 --> 00:17:26,960
And so even though I'll always have
a special place for you in my heart...
328
00:17:27,128 --> 00:17:29,838
...and obviously in my slideshow, I...
Your what?
329
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:32,466
It doesn't matter.
I feel like I just found Lana...
330
00:17:32,633 --> 00:17:35,802
...after all these years
and I can't risk losing her again.
331
00:17:35,970 --> 00:17:40,182
I... Don't know what to say, Sterling.
332
00:17:40,349 --> 00:17:43,810
I feel... I feel like...
333
00:17:43,978 --> 00:17:45,812
[ALL SNIFFLE AND CYRIL SIGHS]
334
00:17:45,980 --> 00:17:50,942
A great big, jerky, giant asshole.
Right?
335
00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:53,945
Well? Are we just gonna sit here?
336
00:17:54,489 --> 00:17:57,532
CHERYL: I can't believe they're in love.
Cheesy Pete's.
337
00:17:57,700 --> 00:18:02,037
Lazy, lazy, fatty, fatty gaijin. Whee!
338
00:18:02,205 --> 00:18:05,874
I mean,
how do you not murder her every day?
339
00:18:06,042 --> 00:18:08,418
[SOFTLY]
I do.
340
00:18:08,586 --> 00:18:10,587
No, please, I feel like the asshole.
341
00:18:10,755 --> 00:18:14,883
I mean, look at you. I literally
cannot believe I'm asking you to go.
342
00:18:15,051 --> 00:18:18,637
But you must.
Yeah. I've seen her crush a cue ball.
343
00:18:18,805 --> 00:18:21,681
Oh, I forgot something in bathroom.
I'll mail it to you.
344
00:18:21,849 --> 00:18:24,142
But you got to go now.
She'll be here any second.
345
00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:25,393
Whew.
346
00:18:25,561 --> 00:18:29,773
Suck it, you dick stairs.
347
00:18:29,941 --> 00:18:33,110
Is a bit awkward,
to leave from balcony.
348
00:18:33,277 --> 00:18:35,195
I know, sorry, but the elevator's out...
349
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:38,532
...and I can just see you two running
into each other on the stairs.
350
00:18:38,699 --> 00:18:41,576
No, because the last time I leave
your apartment from balcony...
351
00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:43,203
Oh, right. You died.
352
00:18:43,371 --> 00:18:46,123
But the last time, I did not have this.
353
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,292
Wow.
Da.
354
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:54,297
It is also very good for bondage,
mild BDSM, things of this nature.
355
00:18:54,465 --> 00:18:57,384
I bet.
May I kiss you goodbye, Sterling?
356
00:18:57,552 --> 00:19:00,720
Yes. Yes, please.
357
00:19:01,806 --> 00:19:03,098
[SIGHS]
358
00:19:03,266 --> 00:19:07,644
I will miss you. Very much.
Me too. But if it's any consolation...
359
00:19:07,812 --> 00:19:12,941
...I'll be thinking of you the next
several times I have sex with Lana.
360
00:19:13,109 --> 00:19:16,695
Well, goodbye. Sterling.
361
00:19:18,614 --> 00:19:19,823
[SIGHS]
362
00:19:19,991 --> 00:19:22,701
Oh, holy shit, I gotta make stir-fry.
363
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:25,745
Why is the door open? That's weird.
364
00:19:25,913 --> 00:19:28,165
ALL: Lana!
What? What the shit?
365
00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:30,500
There's... Oh, I got a stitch.
366
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:34,379
What are you idiots doing here?
What am I even doing here?
367
00:19:34,547 --> 00:19:38,341
Well, Archer, the first thing you're doing
is making a very stiff drink.
368
00:19:38,509 --> 00:19:40,635
Well?
Cyril? You gotta...
369
00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:43,722
What?
Cyril's gotta tell you something.
370
00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:45,849
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
371
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,435
Yeah, Cyril.
That is just... Argh!
372
00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:51,438
Cyril. What?
373
00:19:51,606 --> 00:19:54,149
Lana, please don't go in there
because I still love you.
374
00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:55,859
There. I said it.
375
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:57,152
Wow.
376
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,529
Yeah.
Ha!
377
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:01,406
[ALL CLAMORING]
378
00:20:01,574 --> 00:20:07,162
LANA: So how's all that going?
Agh! Not great.
379
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:11,666
Jesus, Woodhouse really is gone, huh?
Which... Here are your fliers.
380
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:15,003
I actually don't need them.
What? After I made all these copies?
381
00:20:15,171 --> 00:20:17,130
Well, who's gonna put them up, Lana?
Hey. Whoa.
382
00:20:17,298 --> 00:20:20,550
I did not just schlep my ass up
your jillion idiot stairs...
383
00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:23,178
...to eat your shitty attitude for dinner,
mister.
384
00:20:23,346 --> 00:20:26,348
I might as well go eat with Cyril.
At least he can cook stir-fry.
385
00:20:26,515 --> 00:20:28,934
And he's still totally in love with me.
What?
386
00:20:29,101 --> 00:20:32,646
Yeah. Right outside, just dumped
his purse all over the welcome mat.
387
00:20:32,813 --> 00:20:34,689
Ugh. So pathetic.
388
00:20:34,857 --> 00:20:37,567
Seriously. Maybe try growing a pair.
389
00:20:37,735 --> 00:20:41,488
But here I am with the old Archer.
What? I'm not the old Archer.
390
00:20:41,656 --> 00:20:42,822
I'm the new Archer.
391
00:20:42,990 --> 00:20:46,076
I've changed, Lana.
Please, you're halfway to half in the bag.
392
00:20:46,244 --> 00:20:50,163
As usual, walking around in your...
Why are you in your spreefs?
393
00:20:50,331 --> 00:20:52,749
They complement my active lifestyle?
394
00:20:52,917 --> 00:20:54,584
Archer.
Um...
395
00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:55,919
Uh-huh.
396
00:20:56,087 --> 00:20:59,256
Oh, what, what, Lana.
Wait. No, there's nothing in there.
397
00:20:59,423 --> 00:21:02,968
LANA: You call this nothing?
Yeah, so...
398
00:21:03,135 --> 00:21:07,764
Because I call it smoochy-boochy town.
Uh... Hm?
399
00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:10,433
LANA:
Smooth jazz, rose petals, candles...
400
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:14,354
...not sure what happened there,
but, oh, my gosh. And Dom P�rignon?
401
00:21:14,522 --> 00:21:19,025
Which, I assume, was delicious.
Um, expensive fire extinguisher.
402
00:21:19,193 --> 00:21:21,695
Then go get a few more bottles
out of the fridge...
403
00:21:21,862 --> 00:21:25,949
...just to be safe
because I am gonna burn you down.
404
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:27,617
[GIGGLING]
405
00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:31,454
Back in a sec, new Archer.
406
00:21:31,622 --> 00:21:37,168
Yeah. I am new. I am, Lana.
I mean, I feel like a brand-new man.
407
00:21:37,336 --> 00:21:38,461
I've really changed.
408
00:21:38,629 --> 00:21:40,922
LANA: Really?
Yeah.
409
00:21:41,090 --> 00:21:42,465
[LANA CLEARS THROAT]
410
00:21:42,633 --> 00:21:47,387
Then why is there a vagina in the sink?!
411
00:21:47,930 --> 00:21:51,766
Um... So funny story.
412
00:21:51,816 --> 00:21:56,366
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