Original subtitles

ARCHER: Come on, you know you want it. LANA: You don't know what I want.

ARCHER: Oh, yes, I do. Come on, just the tip.

I don't know. It's pretty big.

I think it's just the standard breakfast burrito size.

Here, first take a bite of mine.

No, first you take a bite of mine. Let's do it together.

Is that crazy? Oh, my God, okay.

[BOTH MOANING]

BOTH [IN UNISON]: Oh, my, God.

Men's room? Broom closet.

It's dirtier. No, bring the burrito. Oh, my, God.

[PAM VOMITS AND ALL GROAN]

Well, we were all thinking it.

That and how chili's not breakfast.

Well, technically anything's breakfast, if it's your first meal of the day.

Oh, then Ray's right. And also, duh.

Well, hooray. Give yourself a hand. You know what?!

I know you better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.

Hey, Pam, Ray. Come on, you two.

You're not mad at each other. You're mad at the unspeakably revolting...

...symbiotic mass of bodily fluids that is now Archer and Lana.

They make me sick.

Rub it in our faces how we're doomed to be alone.

Well, your face. And Ray's, I guess.

Wait, nobody's rubbing off in my face.

That's her point. And think how hard watching them...

...must be for Cyril. No. It's... That's not... I mean, come on.

I'm totally over Lana, so... Cyril, you can lie to yourself.

Obviously, look at your sweater. But don't lie to Team Breakup.

What? Guys, it's obvious what we gotta do.

Throw acid in their kissy faces.

No. Wait.

You wanna try to break them up? I mean, it's either that or...

No. The solution to every problem isn't throwing fricking acid on it.

Unless the problem is a solution with an overly-alkaline Ph balance.

Krieger, hush. Pam, you have a plan? I don't know.

We could do something like one of those bait cars?

But obviously, the car would be a vagina. Hmm.

Okay, so we get a woman that Archer would find irresistible.

Maybe by having her fog a mirror. Put her in Archer's path...

...and his pathological need to sleep with every woman does the rest.

Or, you know, a lot of couples break up if their kid dies.

Really? Yeah. Easy peasy.

We hire somebody to kidnap their fat, gross baby.

There's this huge man-slash-baby hunt. It's in all the newspapers.

On the wireless. America's going apeshit.

Then, we double-cross the kidnapper...

...who obviously we paid with easily... traceable gold certificates.

We plant a shitload of dicey evidence in his garage.

Tip off the cops, he's basically convicted of being German and then: zap!

Dirt nap for the kraut. Compliments of old Sparky.

Goddamn. Wireless?

But wait. If it's a kidnapping... Ugh!

CHERYL: The child is sent to Bhutan, where, for 20 years...

...she's raised as an assassin...

...by Ra's al Ghul before returning to destroy those who once betrayed her.

Us. Yes. But it buys us time.

ARCHER: Oh, my God, Lana. That was... LANA: That was insane.

It's insane, like, every time now. What is going on with you?

Going on with me how? What do you mean?

I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but did your dick get bigger?

I don't think so. Is that a thing? I think I would have heard of it.

Wait, in Le Retour de Martin Guerre, didn't his get bigger?

Nope. His feet got smaller. Oh. Well, I know my feet are the same.

His wife fell in love with him when he came back. He was caring...

...and loving, which he wasn't before.

Larger penis probably didn't hurt.

I'm sure my feet are the same. My cordwainer would have said something.

Whatever, for some reason, I don't have to suppress my gag reflex now...

...whenever you mention your cordwainer. What should I call him? A shoemaker?

What I'm trying to say is, you were different...

...then you were when we dated the first time.

More mature, maybe? And definitely more focused on me.

As opposed to every single woman you meet in a bar...

...or at a party, or just merely walking down the street.

I... Yeah. I... I'm sorry for that time. Sss.

Times, yes. Plural. And I promise you...

...that won't ever happen again. It better not.

Because this time... It's really kind of good, right?

No, Archer, it's great. Somehow.

I can't remember when I was this happy.

You recently gave birth to a child. Shit, right.

But besides that, this is the happiest I've been in a while.

Which is why we can't tell Mother we're dating again.

Obvious? Because she'd try to break us up somehow.

She can't stand for me to be in a relationship.

I think it actually causes her physical pain.

You realize your relationship with Malory isn't a huge selling point?

Yeah. So to make up for it, what say I bend you back over the mop sink?

Bring it, Sommersby.

Because, you ding dong, our bait-car hooker has to be hotter than Lana.

Pfft. That won't be hard. What?! Did you suddenly go blind?

No. Phew.

But, Pam, come on. The prostitutes on this website are like... Cheesy Pete's!

Some of them are 10,000 a night.

Yeah. So 2 grand apiece. Are you...?

I wouldn't even pay $2000 to get myself laid.

Well, maybe now, but a few more weeks without that hand...

That's not even the hand I... Don't see how that's any of your beeswax.

Speaking of, do I smell beeswax?

Probably. Maybe you can pay one of these...

...high-class hookers with it.

PAM: Really? No.

Because I'm not chipping in 2000 bucks.

Or even 1000. Because I just found out our shitty insurance...

...doesn't cover prosthetic limbs. Really?

How do you not...? You're head of HR. Because I got two fricking hands.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING]

PAM: Jesus. CHERYL: Ear balls.

If I wanted to hear you people scream...

...I'd have you flown to a CIA black site in Morocco...

...and listen to your torture session on speakerphone.

Speaking of, any word from Slater? No.

Not a word from the CIA since you idiots ruined the mission...

...with the Durhani royal family.

So I have no idea what our status is.

For all I know, we're wanted for treason again.

Well, no news is good news.

You do realize this is an intelligence agency?

Ostensibly. What?!

Nothing.

[MALORY AND CHERYL GROAN]

Why don't we just tell her they're dating? She'll make them so crazy they'll break up.

Then she'd tell them we told her. Then even if I did want Lana back...

...which I don't... It wouldn't matter.

Because Mr. Archer would feed you your own bones.

I don't know about that. Please. You'd die of marrow poisoning.

So come on. Let's pick a hooker.

One that Archer's never had sex with. Is there one?

You're forgetting what the largest sex organ on the human body is.

The penis? Well, I was gonna say vagina.

I was gonna say "Pam's vagina." Me too.

The brain. ALL: Ew!

Not like that, what is wrong with you people?

Ray's missing a hand.

Archer won't risk his relationship with Lana...

...for a previous conquest, especially a prostitute.

For a man like him, it's all about the hunt.

They're all gonna have... I said hunt.

Oh. Still, though. So we have to pay a hooker up front...

...to bump into Archer somewhere and just hope he's never banged her?

Come on, it's New York. I bet there's 20,000 hookers.

What are the odds Mr. Archer already banged whichever one we pick?

I was gonna say fifty-fifty. Me too.

I was gonna say "Pam's vagina."

So we have to find a beautiful woman...

...who Archer's never had sex with. Or...

Well, that counts me out. Me too.

Which part? Keep it up, Stumplestiltskin.

Or... Both of you shut up.

Better yet, a woman who has a powerful psychological hold over Archer.

Please, tell me you don't mean his mother.

What? Yeah, because even for us...

I'm not talking about Ms. Archer.

The only woman Archer ever really cared about besides Lana is...

ALL: Ah! What? Who?

Seriously? Yeah. Who is it?

Hang on, before we call her, are we sure we want to do this?

No, you're my smoochy-boochy. No, you're my smoochy-boochy.

[ALL GROAN]

So is there a country code, or...? KATYA: Da?

Yes. This is Colonel Kasanova. Yes. Oh, really?

Yes? Yes? I understand.

Yes. Yes. Goodbye.

Who was that? Who was who?

What are you talking about? You were...

Did you just not have telephone call? Heh-heh. No.

Don't be an idiot. Also, I must go to America.

Unrelated to the telephone call that I just did not receive.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

ARCHER: Cyril. Archer.

How are you holding up, buddy? With regard to...?

Um, me and Lana? Oh, right.

Gotta be tough, huh? Yeah, I'm barely muddling through.

I'm sensing a little sarcasm.

Really? Yes, Cyril, I am.

Maybe that's because I don't care that you're dating Lana...

...because you'll never have what she and I had.

Like what? Like, uh...

I don't know, Archer. The little things.

Like Stir Friday. You're right.

Nothing I could do could ever compare to the sensual pleasures...

...to be found in a greasy wok full of tiny ears of corn...

...and meat the exact size and shape of dice. Which...

You just realized is why that method of chopping food is called dicing.

Maybe. And maybe since it's Friday, Cyril, tonight, I'm gonna make Lana stir-fry.

You what? No. Yes. So soy you later.

[ARCHER CHUCKLING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Soy. Operation Stir Cry-day is go, over.

PAM: Copy that, Figgis Newton. What?

And also, shitty operation name. Why can't you use the women's?

And why'd you give me a walkie-talkie? Why do you care?

About either? LANA: Wait. What?

Dinner, tonight, my place. I'll cook.

What is this, like a word scramble? No, it's like me cooking you dinner.

You, as in Woodhouse?

No, me as in me, Lana. I don't even know where Woodhouse is.

I actually haven't seen him in, like, weeks. Uh-huh.

I'm cooking. Me, Lana. Me. Me. MALORY: Oh...

You two and your constant bickering. What is it this time?

Lana's hogging the copier.

I swear to sweet Jesus. Okay, Julia Childish.

I'll get a sitter for A.J. So, what time is dinner? And can I bring anything?

Let's say 7-ish and, yes, you can bring 100 copies of this.

[ARCHER HUMMING]

LANA: Wait. What?

[HORN HONKING]

KRIEGER: Come on.

Sorry, I had to get stakeout supplies and...

What happened to your van? We can't stake out Archer's apartment...

...in the Rush van, it's way too iconic. CYRIL: Wait, this is actual ice cream.

Plus, I've been moonlighting.

[ALL GROAN AND HOLOGRAM SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

KRIEGER: Shut up. Okay, little help here, numbnuts.

Think you got enough beer? No. Ah. But I brought a couple joints.

[ARCHER HUMMING]

[DOOR OPENS]

No, it's cool. I got it, Woodhouse. Unless you came home?

You little scamp. Woodhouse? Woodhouse.

Seriously, I hope he didn't die.

Meemo. Check obituaries.

Meemo. Tell Woodhouse to buy newspa... Damn.

No, that's just a feedback loop.

[FAUCET SQUEAKS]

What? Goddamn it, Woodhouse, you stack of bones...

...if you're using my bathroom, you're gonna need an obitu...

What the...? Woodhouse? No, my darling. It is I.

Katya? Heh. Well, you sound surprised, darling.

Well, why are you in my bathroom? Oh, I was just preparing.

In my apartment? In America? Oh, I just had to see you, darling.

I have been longing for your tender touch.

Well, but just, like, out of the blue? Was Barry's touch not tender? Or...?

I, how you say, uh, "dump" Barry.

Oh, right. You knew this?

I assumed it was bound to happen, since Barry was such a douche.

And still is. Presumably.

And also alive, and not crushed and then burned to death...

...in a grain silo. Presumably.

What is the matter, darling? Are you not excited to see your Katya?

No, "excited" is actually the exact word I would have cho...

[ARCHER MOANING]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. This is, like, the perfect day.

Aw. The day Archer finally gets what's been coming to him all these years.

So wait. When did you put all those cameras in his apartment?

The same time I did the rest of... You know what's good? Hochschiebens.

Yeah, let's all have a Hochschieben.

[KRIEGER SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

Yes. I mean, no. I mean, my neck's all sweaty.

It can't possibly taste good so... Mmm.

I love. It's salty. It's like caviar.

Which, boy, talk about an acquired taste, huh?

And a little-known fact...

Darling, you're on fire. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So are you. No.

Literally. You mean figuratively.

Oh, God, there's so much we never had time to...

[SCREAMING]

Darling, there. The champagne.

[ARCHER CLEARS THROAT, THEN GROANS]

Very high in cholesterol. Caviar.

Darling, are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine.

Messrs. Kilgour, French, Stanbury, Turnbull and Asser, not so much.

Oh, well, then let's get you out of these wet clothes...

...and into something... Dry?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I can promise you, it is not dry.

[GULPS]

Blarp.

Well, in the immortal words of Wendell Stamps...

...that's going in the slideshow.

Burp. No offense. Why would I be offen...?

[CHERYL BELCHES, THEN LAUGHS]

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]

KATYA [OVER TV]: Oh, baby, it is all over everything.

CYRIL: So is Cheryl. Will you get off? That's what she said, right?

More like what he said. Katya, please.

Please, I have to tell you something.

I'm listening. Go ahead, baby. They're jingling, baby.

Huh. I didn't know you were a fan of early crossover mainstream hip-hop.

Or that you were that strong. Oh, my God. I'm glad I'm not a woman.

[KATYA SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

No, not in a general sense. Look.

CYRIL: Look, look, here comes Lana.

Oh, man, I don't wanna sound greedy but a threesome and then a breakup? Burp!

Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy? You have pizza?

[CAR ALARM BEEPS AND LANA HUMMING]

Darling, I do not understand.

I know, and me neither. This is all uncharted territory for me.

But I've changed, Katya. I've changed.

Well, I have also changed. My new operating system...

...includes the entire Kama Sutra. Wow, okay.

The first edition of the old Mr. Boston Official Bartender's Guide...

...and a deep, hard-wired understanding and appreciation of men's lacrosse.

Aah! No, darling, wait.

[HUMMING]

What? MAN: Out of order.

Yes, thank you. I can see that. Why you ask?

Out of order? I'll show you out of order.

Lana Kane? The giant negress? Hey. Now, come on. She's not...

What? A negress? Gigantic.

I mean, she's tall, but a lot of that's the boots and the hair...

...and those hands aren't doing her any favors, human-size-wise.

She's basically Groot.

[SPUTTERING]

In the dark it's like Eubie Blake's reaching out for you, but...

But you prefer her to me?

I mean, no, but wait. You slept with Barry at our wedding.

Ah! At second wedding. Oh, right.

At our first wedding... I saved your life from Barry...

...and in process, I lose my own life.

But then again, you slept with him at our second wedding, which kind of...

You were the one who could not deal with the fact that I am now cyborg.

You were the one who banged Barry. Ah! Bozhe moi.

You have not changed a bit. Ha! Shows what you know.

You Barry-banger. I have changed. I have a kid.

[KATYA GASPS, THEN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Yeah. A little baby girl, Abbiejean. With Lana.

And then we started going out again and somehow it's kind of amazing, really.

We're, like, connecting, you know? I realize that all this time...

...even though we fought like cats and a very tall dog...

...we've always been best friends.

And then to realize you might actually be in love...

...with your best friend who also happens to be the mother of your child.

That's, like, a miracle.

And so even though I'll always have a special place for you in my heart...

...and obviously in my slideshow, I... Your what?

It doesn't matter. I feel like I just found Lana...

...after all these years and I can't risk losing her again.

I... Don't know what to say, Sterling.

I feel... I feel like...

[ALL SNIFFLE AND CYRIL SIGHS]

A great big, jerky, giant asshole. Right?

Well? Are we just gonna sit here?

CHERYL: I can't believe they're in love. Cheesy Pete's.

Lazy, lazy, fatty, fatty gaijin. Whee!

I mean, how do you not murder her every day?

[SOFTLY] I do.

No, please, I feel like the asshole.

I mean, look at you. I literally cannot believe I'm asking you to go.

But you must. Yeah. I've seen her crush a cue ball.

Oh, I forgot something in bathroom. I'll mail it to you.

But you got to go now. She'll be here any second.

Whew.

Suck it, you dick stairs.

Is a bit awkward, to leave from balcony.

I know, sorry, but the elevator's out...

...and I can just see you two running into each other on the stairs.

No, because the last time I leave your apartment from balcony...

Oh, right. You died.

But the last time, I did not have this.

Wow. Da.

It is also very good for bondage, mild BDSM, things of this nature.

I bet. May I kiss you goodbye, Sterling?

Yes. Yes, please.

[SIGHS]

I will miss you. Very much. Me too. But if it's any consolation...

...I'll be thinking of you the next several times I have sex with Lana.

Well, goodbye. Sterling.

[SIGHS]

Oh, holy shit, I gotta make stir-fry.

Why is the door open? That's weird.

ALL: Lana! What? What the shit?

There's... Oh, I got a stitch.

What are you idiots doing here? What am I even doing here?

Well, Archer, the first thing you're doing is making a very stiff drink.

Well? Cyril? You gotta...

What? Cyril's gotta tell you something.

No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

Yeah, Cyril. That is just... Argh!

Cyril. What?

Lana, please don't go in there because I still love you.

There. I said it.

Wow.

Yeah. Ha!

[ALL CLAMORING]

LANA: So how's all that going? Agh! Not great.

Jesus, Woodhouse really is gone, huh? Which... Here are your fliers.

I actually don't need them. What? After I made all these copies?

Well, who's gonna put them up, Lana? Hey. Whoa.

I did not just schlep my ass up your jillion idiot stairs...

...to eat your shitty attitude for dinner, mister.

I might as well go eat with Cyril. At least he can cook stir-fry.

And he's still totally in love with me. What?

Yeah. Right outside, just dumped his purse all over the welcome mat.

Ugh. So pathetic.

Seriously. Maybe try growing a pair.

But here I am with the old Archer. What? I'm not the old Archer.

I'm the new Archer.

I've changed, Lana. Please, you're halfway to half in the bag.

As usual, walking around in your... Why are you in your spreefs?

They complement my active lifestyle?

Archer. Um...

Uh-huh.

Oh, what, what, Lana. Wait. No, there's nothing in there.

LANA: You call this nothing? Yeah, so...

Because I call it smoochy-boochy town. Uh... Hm?

LANA: Smooth jazz, rose petals, candles...

...not sure what happened there, but, oh, my gosh. And Dom P�rignon?

Which, I assume, was delicious. Um, expensive fire extinguisher.

Then go get a few more bottles out of the fridge...

...just to be safe because I am gonna burn you down.

[GIGGLING]

Back in a sec, new Archer.

Yeah. I am new. I am, Lana. I mean, I feel like a brand-new man.

I've really changed.

LANA: Really? Yeah.

[LANA CLEARS THROAT]

Then why is there a vagina in the sink?!

Um... So funny story.

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