Original subtitles

(Archer moaning deliriously)

LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: Lana?

(Lana yelps)

Lana!

LANA: Whoa, Jesus Christ!

Chill out, Miggs!

ARCHER: I'm sorry, it's just

been so long.

LANA: Okay, it's been...

ARCHER: Oh, my God.

You're pregnant again?!

LANA: What?

ARCHER: How long have I been

down here, left to rot in this

godforsaken hole?!

LANA: Like... three weeks.

ARCHER: Hmm, seems so much

longer than that.

LANA: It...

ARCHER: So, please tell me

that's an entire canard ? la

presse with a file in it.

LANA: Half a chicken, no

file, just that weird

quasi-cornbread they have here.

ARCHER: Ugh, why do you even

bother?

LANA: That's weird, I was

asking myself the same thing on

the way down here.

ARCHER: And then brought

crappy food anyway?

LANA: And then left?

ARCHER: No, no, no, wait,

come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but

I-I'm starting to lose it down

here.

You-you got to make him let

me go!

LANA: Make him how?

ARCHER: Well, I hate to

even ask, but...

LANA: Blow him?

ARCHER: Your words.

LANA: And then what, Archer,

you want me to blow the whole

army?

ARCHER: How is there still

an army?

How have the rebels not wiped

them out already?

LANA: Because turns out,

he's actually very good at

commanding an army.

CYRIL: And as Third and

Fourth Battalion withdraw, here

comes First Armored, and now the

rebels are outflanked.

COMANDANTE (laughs): Sir,

it's brilliant!

CYRIL: A classic pincher

movement.

Just like Hannibal at the battle

of Cannae.

And also Keith, in my

Warhammer guild.

LANA: So, get used to that

weird cornbread, 'cause you

might be down here a...

ARCHER: Lana, I need a

woman's touch!

(Lana grunts)

Oh! Ow!

I'm sorry, Lana.

I said a woman, not a

stevedore who lost his hand

in a stevedoring accident

and then got a hand transplant

from an actual bear.

LANA: So, did you want to

just do it right through the

bars or...?

ARCHER: I mean, we do.

And sometimes they do.

CALD?RON: Hello.

LANA: I... wait.

So, in three weeks, you go from

you're gonna execute Archer

to now you guys are, like,

swinger pals?

CALD?RON: Well, I wouldn't

say "pals."

ARCHER: Wow, not what you

said yesterday.

CALD?RON: Oh, come on, that

was the pruno talking.

LANA: Well, I hate to break

up this delightful m?nage, but

Presidente Cyril wants her back

upstairs.

ARCHER: Wait, what?

CALD?RON: What?

JULIANA: Why.

LANA: Guess.

JULIANA: Ah.

LANA: Mm.

CALD?RON: Ow!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait!

BOTH: What?

CALD?RON: Archer, do you want

me to move over one?

ARCHER: Eh.

CYRIL: Ah, Madame First Lady.

So good of you to join me.

JULIANA: It's not as if I

had a choice.

CYRIL: Well...

JULIANA: Nor am I still the

the first lady.

CYRIL: Well, maybe not

technically, since your husband

divorced you and then was

immediately deposed by me, but

the situation is, as they say,

fluid.

LANA: Ugh.

I brought her, can I go now?

CYRIL: Yes, for the love of

God, get out.

LANA: I meant home.

PAM (laughing): What are you,

nuts?

Cap'n Crunch here just

took all the coca fields back

from the rebels.

We're sitting on an endless

supply.

LANA: Of what, coca leaf

smoothies?

(rhythmic gulping)

Oh, my God.

That's a coca leaf smoothie.

CHERLENE: And they're gross.

It basically tastes like a fart

of itself, but it's better than

the cocaine donuts and whipped

cocaine she was eating.

(Pam burps)

PAM: 'Cause that's just empty

calories.

LANA: Well, and cocaine.

PAM: Which, if I'm being

totally honest, I maybe might

have a problem with.

LANA: No.

CYRIL: And, Lana, the rebels

still control the airport.

It's their HQ.

So, unless you want to walk, you

can't go home.

MALORY: And why on Earth

would you want to?

(Lana sighs)

CYRIL: Uh...

MALORY: Why bother going

back?

The U.S. government stole your

livelihood, forced you to become

a criminal.

And I hate to say it, but it's

not like you have a man waiting

for you.

LANA: I... You know...

MALORY: Whereas here we have

everything we need.

It's like San Marcos has been

waiting thousands of years for

us to arrive.

Lana, this could be our...

LANA: Don't.

MALORY: Zion, yes, there, I

said it.

(Pam burps)

PAM: Wait, they got weed

here, too?

LANA: That's not what the

song's about!

CHERLENE: Told you.

LANA: But I just this second

realized why you want to stay

down here.

Cyril's just the Vader to your

Palpatine.

MALORY: Is that a reference

I should get, or...?

LANA: Seriously?

MALORY: Well, I'm sorry,

Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical

school.

LANA: It's from... No, you

know what? Never mind.

But, spoiler alert, Vader ends

up killing Palpatine.

CYRIL: Hey.

CHERLENE: But only for three

days, right?

And then he moves the rock and

comes out of his cave stronger

than ever.

PAM: Then he shuts off the

tractor beam, releasing the Jews

from captivity.

LANA: What?

CYRIL: Hey.

MALORY: Wait, yes, now that

sounds familiar.

LANA: It cannot possibly.

MALORY: Gospel of Luke?

CYRIL: Hey.

LANA: Oh for... Ray, you used

to be a preacher, you want to

back me up here?

RAY: I actually don't know.

My church didn't really do the

New Testament.

LANA: The one with Jesus

Christ in it.

RAY: I mean, I take your

word for it, but...

CYRIL: Hey!

Will you idiots get out?!

I'm trying to talk to the first

lady!

CHERLENE: Of what, this

country or country music?

'Cause I'm first lady of both!

CYRIL No, you're not...

CHERLENE: Outlaw country!

(jail door bangs shut)

(Cherlene sighs)

CALD?RON: Oh, my God, my

beautiful and also

multi-talented wife!

You are here!

CHERLENE: I know, right?

It's like, finally.

ARCHER: As in...

this is a good thing?

(plays random notes)

CHERLENE: Duh!

I'm finally gonna get the outlaw

country cred I deserve.

CALD?RON: Oh, my God, you've

always deserved it.

ARCHER: Wait, how does being

in jail...?

CHERLENE: Paging Dr. Black,

Dr. Man In Black!

Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison

and San Quentin, so...

ARCHER: Yeah, to visit.

CHERLENE: Hmm?

ARCHER: He just played for

the prisoners, dummy.

He wasn't actually in prison.

(plays "womp womp")

But don't worry.

We're gonna get out of here and

go join the rebels.

CALD?RON: Yes, then you and

I, my beautiful wife, will live

a simple life in the hills,

scratching shit food, like yams,

out of the ground with a, uh,

yam-scratcher.

CHERLENE: Okay, A... start

counting backwards from a

million years, and when you get

to zero that still won't

happen.

CALD?RON: Aw.

CHERLENE: And B... how...

how do we get out of here?

ARCHER: Well, we're, uh,

still fine-tuning it, but...

CALD?RON: We have no plan,

whatsoever.

CHERLENE: Okay, good, because

I didn't want to step on

anybody's toes, but byoink.

CALD?RON: Whaaaaat?

ARCHER: Where did you get

that?

CHERLENE: Let's just say,

"I honestly don't know."

ARCHER: Fair enough.

CHERLENE: Cyril says the

rebel headquarters are...

Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"?

ARCHER: It's "where," idiot!

CHERLENE: The airport!

Jesus!

CALD?RON: And you, sir, will

keep a civil tongue in your head

when you are addressing

the First Lady of the

government-in-exile of La

Rep?blica de San Marcos!

CHERLENE: And also country

music.

ARCHER: I facetiously beg

milady's pardon.

CHERLENE: Oh, milady

facetiously grants it.

ARCHER: Oh, goody.

Now let's steal a car, go join

the rebels, then come back here

and crush Cyril's stupid army.

CALD?RON: You make it sound

so easy.

ARCHER (chuckling): Well,

it's Cyril.

I mean, unless he's got a

nuclear warhead in his pants...

CHERLENE: Which he totally

does.

KRIEGER: Which, guys, can we

talk about this?

KRIEGER CLONE 1: The time for

talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder.

Now is the time for action!

KRIEGER CLONE 2: Clone bone!

CHERLENE: And by that I mean

his... you know...

ARCHER: Yeah, we...

CHERLENE: Let me finish!

...penis.

No, you ruined it.

And by "it," I meant the moment.

Not his penis.

ARCHER: I...

CHERLENE: Penis.

ARCHER: Will you shut up?!

I know what I'm doing!

CALD?RON: Yes, but don't do

what you are doing!

(Cald?ron and Cherlene yelp)

(Archer chuckles)

CALD?RON: Are you crazy?!

This car is worth one quarter of

$1 million!

CHERLENE: Well, was.

ARCHER: And did you ever

think maybe your fleet of

priceless cars is the reason

you're fighting off a

rebellion?

CALD?RON: I'm fighting the

rebels because that is what we

do!

My father fought the rebels, his

father fought the rebels...

CHERLENE: So, like a family

business.

ARCHER: That manufactures

oppression.

CALD?RON: Well, and cocaine.

In fact...

CHERLENE: Stop!

(Archer and Cald?ron scream)

(tires screeching)

ARCHER: What?!

CHERLENE: That.

(Archer gasps)

I mean, if you think we have

time.

(tiger roars)

ARCHER: I... Is there a

tiger?

CALD?RON: Of course there is

a tiger.

Where did you think you are,

Tegucigalpa?

(Archer giggles gleefully)

(tires squealing)

CYRIL: And so, by the power

self-vested in me, I now

pronounce us man and wife, and I

may also kiss the bride.

(Cyril kissing, Juliana grunts)

PAM: Yay!

MALORY: Ugh, second worst

wedding ever.

RAY: Yeah, but at least

nobody died.

PAM (laughing): Yet!

(clears throat)

Inappropes.

MALORY: What is wrong with

you?

PAM: I'm trying to make that

a thing people say, like,

"Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!"

Plus, I think I'm addicted to

cocaine.

MALORY: Well, but look on the

bright side.

With any luck at all, it will

save me the trouble of killing

you myself.

PAM (sniffling): Damn,

dawg...

RAY: Inappropes.

PAM: Yay!

ARCHER (quietly): Yay!

Yay!

(tiger roars)

They should've sent a poet.

Oh, and some meat.

Do we have any meat?

(elephant trumpets)

CALD?RON: Literally tons.

ARCHER: No, I didn't mean

another animal.

I meant like a steak, or some...

CALD?RON: Typical American.

You think meat comes from the

supermercado, all wrapped in a

nice plastic wrap.

ARCHER: Yeah, you're

describing meat.

CALD?RON: No, no, no.

Meat is blood and bones and

sinew!

ARCHER: Well, now you're

describing not-meat.

CALD?RON: Meat is whatever

the tiger says is meat, because

God made him the boss and all

the other animals his food!

(tiger roars)

ARCHER: Hang on, buddy.

And thank you, George Bore-well,

for that clunky analogy in

defense of totalitarianism, but

I'm not feeding Shane an

elephant.

CHERLENE: Who the hell is...

(gasps)

Oh, my God, he's totally a

Shane.

So let me bounce this off you

guys...

KRIEGER: What say we don't

launch this giant nerve gas

missile at, uh...

where did you say you were

launching it?

KRIEGER CLONE 1: Wouldn't you

like to know?

(hearty laughter)

KRIEGER: I would, actually.

Come on, you guys are acting

a little... insane.

KRIEGER CLONE 1: Do you know

what's insane?!

KRIEGER: Yeah, this.

All of it, everything.

The rocket, uh... I'm not really

comfortable with the

clone-bone.

KRIEGER CLONE 1: You're not

doing it right.

Now move, so I can begin the

launch sequence.

KRIEGER: Over my dead...

...body, man that was a jinx,

huh?

(cocks gun)

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

ARCHER: Hang on!

As amazing as it would be,

we can't take Shane with us.

CHERLENE: Yeah, we can,

watch.

BOTH: No, no, no, no!

No, don't!

(low rumbling growl)

CALD?RON: Okay, okay, okay,

okay.

ARCHER: Carol, listen to me

very closely.

CHERLENE: Why, you gonna walk

me through your organic method

of vaginal hygiene?

ARCHER: My what?

CHERLENE: You're a bigger

pussy than Shane!

Come here, boy! (Smacking lips)

(tiger roars, Cald?ron screams)

ARCHER AND CHERLENE: Shane!

(Cald?ron screams)

CHERLENE: Do something!

(Cald?ron screaming)

ARCHER: Like what?

KRIEGER CLONE 1: Get him!

(grunting)

KRIEGER CLONE 2: We're

coming, brother!

KRIEGER CLONE 3: Hiy...!

(gunshot)

(Krieger Clone 3 screams)

KRIEGER CLONE 2: No...!

KRIEGER CLONE 1: Brother...!

(thuds)

You bastard!

Brother, the launch sequence!

KRIEGER: No!

(keyboard clicking)

(strained grunting)

(gunshot)

KRIEGER CLONE 1: Don't stop!

(four gunshots)

(grunting)

KRIEGER CLONE 2: Almost...

there.

KRIEGER: Oh, come on!

KRIEGER CLONE 2: Shut... up.

> SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Launch

sequence initiated.

KRIEGER: No!

KRIEGER CLONE 1 (sobs): No!

(thuds)

(strained grunting)

(choking)

KRIEGER: Ha-ha!

It doesn't work with a bow...

tiiiiiiiiieeeeee!

(loud thuds)

ARCHER: Shane!

Shane...!

CHERLENE: Shane...!

(Cald?ron screaming)

(tiger roars)

(scream stops abruptly)

ARCHER: Shane?

(tiger snuffles)

(low, contented growl)

CHERLENE: Well, we should've

guessed that was gonna happen.

(chuckling)

ARCHER: W... we should've?

CHERLENE: Well, or at least

could've.

I mean...

ARCHER: Yeah, I-I-I guess,

uh... I guess a leopard can't

change his spots.

CHERLENE: Uh... I don't know

that much about leopards.

ARCHER: That was actually

a proverb.

CHERLENE: That was actually a

tiger.

SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to

launch: 180.

KRIEGER: Huh.

That is a lot longer than I

thought it would be.

ARCHER: Okay, when we get to

rebel HQ, they might be

aggressive at first, but...

CHERLENE: They wouldn't if we

had a damn tiger.

(Archer sighs)

ARCHER: No.

We're-we're not going back.

Unless...

No.

CHERLENE: What if...

ARCHER: He had his chance!

JULIANA: A what?

CYRIL: A charivari.

Also called a shivaree?

You know, it's that thing where

everybody bangs pots and pans

outside our room as we...

consummate.

(chuckles)

JULIANA: Oh... n-no.

We're not doing that.

LANA: Ha-ha!

Ow!

Ray, my feet are already killing

me.

RAY: Sorry.

MALORY: He's probably not

used to leading.

RAY: You know...

MALORY: You, on the other

hand... lead away.

PAM: Mind if I cut in?

COMANDANTE: No.

MALORY: Yes!

PAM: Screw you guys.

Hey, Krieger!

KRIEGER: What the hell is

going on?

PAM: Cyril's the new

dictator...

CYRIL: President.

PAM: Shut up, and he just

married crazy tits, and I need

a dance partner.

So nobody noticed that I've

been missing for three weeks?

RAY: Um...

MALORY: Well, I certainly

didn't.

PAM: We figured the vampires

MALORY: The what?

LANA: Wait, what?

KRIEGER (sighs): They're not

vampires, they're my clones.

Or I'm their clone, or...

MALORY: Oh, please, you and

your clone nonsense, it's all

a bunch of...

LANA: Holy shit.

CYRIL: Why was I not informed

of this, Krieger?

PAM: If he even is Krieger!

CYRIL: Huh?

PAM: The real Krieger could

be down there!

KRIEGER: Oh, for... that is

just...

I won't even dignify that with

a response.

Uh, uh... (snapping fingers)

LANA: Pam?

KRIEGER: Pam!

PAM: Uh-huh.

KRIEGER: I've got a

concussion.

And this regular tie means

nothing, I don't like bow ties

so I switched.

LANA: Well, you certainly

sound concussed.

PAM: He sounds like a

vampire!

I say we tie him up and let the

sun sort it out!

LANA: You need to hush.

SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to

launch: 150.

MALORY: What is that?

PAM: What is going on?

CYRIL: Tell me that robot's

not talking about launching this

rocket, Krieger.

PAM: Or should we say

Count Krieg...

Ow! Ow!

Ow, cut it out! Ow!

Goddamn it! Ow!

LANA: Thank you.

PAM: Vampire lovers.

KRIEGER: Yeah, so, here's

the thing...

ARCHER: This is it, rebel

headquarters.

Now, remember, let me do the

talking.

CHERLENE: Got it.

ARCHER: I'm serious.

CHERLENE: I got it.

ARCHER: Look at me.

CHERLENE: I got it!

Jesus!

ARCHER: Okay.

Then here we go.

(rebels shouting in Spanish)

REBEL SOLDIER: Pinche cabr?n!

CHERLENE: Ow!

ARCHER: Goddamn it!

You said you'd let me do the...

(grunts)

(Cherlene laughing)

REBEL SOLDIER 2: ?Espere,

espere!

?Mira, mira!

Es la cantante!

CHERLENE: It's all about me

this time...

Aw...

MALORY: So.

You're saying this gigantic

rocket is not only full of

deadly nerve gas, but also aimed

God knows where?

KRIEGER: Well, that statement

presupposes the existence of

God, but...

MALORY: Krieger, I am about

two seconds away from telling

Pam to get a wooden stake.

PAM: Yay!

KRIEGER: I'm not a vampire!

MALORY: Doesn't matter to

the stake.

KRIEGER: Then yes!

It's full of nerve gas, and I

don't know where it's aimed!

LANA: What?

What's the range on this thing?

KRIEGER: I don't know, 2,000

miles?

(Malory gasps)

MALORY: How far away is the

Upper East Side?

KRIEGER: I don't know,

1,980-something miles?

(Malory screams)

CYRIL: Okay, this is a

presidential order from the

president.

Shut it down!

KRIEGER: I can't!

PAM: Can't, or won't?

KRIEGER: Can't!

PAM: Oh.

I didn't hear you.

LANA: Ray, can you override

the launch sequence?

RAY: Um...

SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Launch

sequence accelerated.

RAY: No.

(all exclaiming)

MALORY: Oh, for God's sake.

SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to

launch: 90.

LANA: Cyril...

CYRIL: Uh, it's actually

Se?or Presidente, but...

LANA: Shh, hush.

Now I know you've had a fun time

as dictator, and we all enjoyed

this little break from him,

but Cyril... and if you tell him

I said this, I'll break your

frickin' arms... it's... ugh...

Archer time.

CYRIL: Wha...?

Oh, all right.

LANA: Krieger, I assume the

whatever...

PAM: Doppelkriegers.

LANA: I assume they had a

lab, so take Ray and see if you

can find some info on how to

shut this damn thing down.

We'll go get Archer.

PAM: Ooh, and Cherlene!

LANA: Ooh, and no.

Because she isn't here.

CYRIL: Oh!

Damn it, Archer!

Damn you!

You can't even let me pretend to

be magnanimous while inwardly

gloating!

MALORY: Oh, shut up.

What does the note say?

LANA (reading):

So, airport?

PAM: But the note says not...

(mumbling)

CYRIL: Well, I guess that

settles that!

I mean, it's not like we can

just waltz into enemy territory

and...

Well, I certainly can't.

LANA: Can't, or...

CYRIL: Both, either, all.

They'd shoot me on sight, Lana.

And if you want Archer so damn

bad, you can go get him your...

(tires squealing)

Huh.

I didn't think she'd actually

do it.

MALORY: Then you're an idiot.

CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot?

MALORY: Yes.

(Archer grunts)

ARCHER: What the...?

Holly?

HOLLY: Archer?

SLATER: Rando?

ARCHER: Slater?

HOLLY: Who the hell is Rando?

SLATER: Him!

HOLLY: That's Sterling

Archer!

CHERLENE (loudly): A-hem!

And I am Cherlene?

The Queen of Outlaw Country?

SLATER: What the hell are you

doing here?

ARCHER: What the hell are you

doing here?

HOLLY: I could ask you the

same question.

I am asking you the same

question!

ARCHER: We came to join the

rebels.

SLATER: What?

ARCHER: What's the FBI doing

in San Marcos?

With a cocaine smuggler?

(Holly sighs)

HOLLY: I'm not FBI, and he's

not a...

SLATER: Well, technically,

I am, but...

HOLLY: We're both CIA.

ARCHER: What?!

CHERLENE (whispering): C...

I... A.

SLATER: And we're also

the rebels.

HOLLY: And you are in a mundo

of caca.

LANA: Okay!

Listen, stop, listen to me!

ARCHER: Lana?!

LANA: Holly?

What's the FBI doing...

ARCHER: These dickheads

aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA!

And also the rebels!

Huh.

Thought that would get more of

a reaction.

LANA: Yeah, no, that is,

um... news, uh...

but my water just broke, so...

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