All language subtitles for Archer s05e09 On the Carpet.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,175 --> 00:00:03,509 (thunder crashes) 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:09,241 (clears throat) 3 00:00:09,265 --> 00:00:15,102 (both shivering) 4 00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:35,591 MALORY: Woodhouse? WOODHOUSE: Mum. 5 00:00:35,723 --> 00:00:39,008 MALORY: If I see this glass empty again, I will be very 6 00:00:39,023 --> 00:00:41,306 unhappy. WOODHOUSE: Perish the 7 00:00:41,317 --> 00:00:45,453 thought, mum. MALORY: Now, then. 8 00:00:45,471 --> 00:00:50,857 Who'd like to go first? (Cyril coughs) 9 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:54,966 No? All right, then I will. 10 00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:58,719 Idiots! (both yelling) 11 00:00:58,735 --> 00:01:01,002 Thank you, dear. For a moment there, I thought 12 00:01:01,013 --> 00:01:06,016 I was going to be unhappy. Now, then. 13 00:01:06,038 --> 00:01:08,538 Who's next? 14 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:45,835 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 15 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:51,833 ARCHER: Okay, so, uh... I guess I'll go if... 16 00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:54,371 MALORY: If I can just stop you there. 17 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,467 Will you please cover yourself?! CHERLENE: With what? 18 00:01:57,481 --> 00:02:00,615 I don't have any... (spraying) 19 00:02:00,630 --> 00:02:02,947 There. Happy? MALORY: No! 20 00:02:02,958 --> 00:02:04,958 I didn't mean with whipped cream! 21 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:06,967 PAM: It's actually whipped cocaine, so... 22 00:02:06,977 --> 00:02:08,977 (Malory groans) MALORY: That explains where 23 00:02:08,987 --> 00:02:11,487 some of it went. CHERLENE: Mmm, and the tingly 24 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,000 numbness of my nipples. MALORY: And why are you 25 00:02:14,012 --> 00:02:16,613 dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally 26 00:02:16,625 --> 00:02:18,792 decided they had to stone to death? 27 00:02:18,802 --> 00:02:21,535 CHERLENE: Duh, we were shooting my album cover. 28 00:02:21,548 --> 00:02:25,217 KRIEGER: Yes! Good, yes, that is perfect! 29 00:02:25,233 --> 00:02:27,834 PAM: Perfect for what? Come on, it's an album cover, 30 00:02:27,846 --> 00:02:32,915 not a... Amish Bible! PAM: You got to sex that shit 31 00:02:32,937 --> 00:02:34,954 up sexy. KRIEGER: Um... 32 00:02:34,964 --> 00:02:36,997 CHERLENE: I think it's pretty sexy. 33 00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:39,808 PAM: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops... 34 00:02:39,821 --> 00:02:42,689 outside of you. CHERLENE: I mean... 35 00:02:42,702 --> 00:02:45,152 KRIEGER: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, 36 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:47,831 white and... okay... PAM: Yeah, not talking about 37 00:02:47,843 --> 00:02:50,110 eating them. CHERLENE: Wait, what are 38 00:02:50,121 --> 00:02:53,823 you... You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?! 39 00:02:53,839 --> 00:02:57,341 PAM: Well, for starters. But let's not rule anything out. 40 00:02:57,357 --> 00:02:59,390 You know? Let's kind of see where that leads. 41 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,951 We've got a shitload of film. KRIEGER: I'm supposed to have 42 00:03:01,963 --> 00:03:03,963 film in this? CHERLENE: Goddamn it! 43 00:03:03,973 --> 00:03:06,423 PAM: Krieger! LANA: So, I have a question. 44 00:03:06,434 --> 00:03:08,434 PAM: The butthole, Lana, is what I was... 45 00:03:08,444 --> 00:03:10,794 LANA: Yeah, I got that. But do you think the cover for a 46 00:03:10,805 --> 00:03:13,789 country album should be hardcore...? 47 00:03:13,803 --> 00:03:16,438 What do you even call that? Food porn? 48 00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:19,117 PAM: I do. LANA: You think it makes a 49 00:03:19,129 --> 00:03:21,846 good country album cover or you call it food porn? 50 00:03:21,859 --> 00:03:23,859 PAM: Yes. LANA: Are you...? 51 00:03:23,869 --> 00:03:25,869 (Cherlene squealing) CHERLENE: These things are 52 00:03:25,879 --> 00:03:27,879 freezing! KRIEGER: Film, film, film, 53 00:03:27,888 --> 00:03:29,888 film, film! LANA: Quit putting rocket 54 00:03:29,898 --> 00:03:33,883 pops in your ass! CHERLENE: I'm eating them. 55 00:03:33,901 --> 00:03:37,170 Jesus, what is wrong with you? LANA: I guess I just don't 56 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,300 get art. PAM: You obviously don't. 57 00:03:39,311 --> 00:03:41,395 And it's not that we don't appreciate criticism. 58 00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:43,405 It just needs to be constructive. 59 00:03:43,415 --> 00:03:45,415 ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. MALORY: Shut up. 60 00:03:45,424 --> 00:03:47,591 And then tell me what happened to the hundred pounds of... 61 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,602 BOTH: Kilos. MALORY: Kilos, thank you, 62 00:03:49,612 --> 00:03:51,612 shut up. Of cocaine that you took to 63 00:03:51,621 --> 00:03:53,671 Colombia. LANA: Which... 64 00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:55,997 MALORY: Lana, when I want you to talk, I will tell you, and 65 00:03:56,008 --> 00:03:58,359 until then, zip it! LANA: Wha...? What did I do? 66 00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,371 MALORY: Nothing! ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. 67 00:04:00,380 --> 00:04:02,664 MALORY: Which is why these feckless idiots lost 200 kilos 68 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:06,643 of cocaine! ARCHER: Yeah, La... Oh. 69 00:04:06,661 --> 00:04:10,113 Uh, okay, technically, but then we stole a plane loaded with, 70 00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:14,263 like, twice as much cocaine! MALORY: Is this the part 71 00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:17,098 where you tell me to look under my seat? 72 00:04:17,111 --> 00:04:19,779 ARCHER: No, unfortunately we ran into some... 73 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:23,344 CYRIL: Assholishness. (all yelling) 74 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,695 RAY: Archer, I swear to God! I will crash this plane right 75 00:04:27,714 --> 00:04:30,765 into the goddamn ocean! ARCHER: I'll take my chances 76 00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:33,229 with the ocean! The ocean isn't full of 77 00:04:33,241 --> 00:04:35,491 alligators! And do not even think about it, 78 00:04:35,502 --> 00:04:37,585 Cyril! CYRIL: Ray, what do I do?! 79 00:04:37,595 --> 00:04:39,645 RAY: Uh... I guess hang on. 80 00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,655 (grunts) ARCHER and CYRIL: Whoa! 81 00:04:41,665 --> 00:04:44,616 (both grunting) RAY: Sorry, Cyril. 82 00:04:44,629 --> 00:04:46,629 ARCHER: Ow. CYRIL: Oh, shut up. 83 00:04:46,639 --> 00:04:48,639 It's your own fault. ARCHER: Debatable. 84 00:04:48,649 --> 00:04:50,649 CYRIL: No, it's... ARCHER: Shut up. 85 00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:52,659 Come on, Ray, there has to be somewhere to land besides the 86 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:55,252 middle of the damn Everglades. RAY: Well, not within fuel 87 00:04:55,264 --> 00:04:57,264 range, so... ARCHER: And who's fault 88 00:04:57,274 --> 00:04:59,491 is that? RAY: Isaac goddamn Newton! 89 00:04:59,502 --> 00:05:01,652 You see that airstrip? The one that's circled? 90 00:05:01,662 --> 00:05:04,380 That's the only one in range, and we've only, barely, got 91 00:05:04,393 --> 00:05:06,393 enough fuel to make it there, so... 92 00:05:06,403 --> 00:05:08,570 ARCHER: But Miami's, like, right over here. 93 00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:10,580 CYRIL: We can't land at a real airport! 94 00:05:10,590 --> 00:05:12,590 Even if Ray had filed a flight plan... 95 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,900 ARCHER: Why didn't you file a flight plan?! 96 00:05:14,911 --> 00:05:18,062 That's like Airplane Stuff 101. CYRIL: Not when the airplane 97 00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:20,760 is stolen and crammed full of guns and cocaine! 98 00:05:20,772 --> 00:05:22,855 ARCHER: Ah. I will concede that point. 99 00:05:22,866 --> 00:05:24,866 RAY: Damn it. ARCHER: What's up? 100 00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:26,875 CYRIL: What's going on? RAY: Burning too much 101 00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,885 fuel-- we're heavy. CYRIL: What do you mean, 102 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,895 heavy? ARCHER: You said we had 103 00:05:30,905 --> 00:05:32,905 enough fuel to... RAY: I said barely! 104 00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:34,949 I bet the Colombians didn't count on three passengers. 105 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,959 CYRIL (sobbing): Oh, my God, we're gonna crash! 106 00:05:36,968 --> 00:05:39,001 ARCHER: Cyril, do not panic. Just get out. 107 00:05:39,011 --> 00:05:41,011 CYRIL: What?! ARCHER: Do the right thing, 108 00:05:41,021 --> 00:05:43,538 Cyril. You have nothing to live for. 109 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:46,885 CYRIL: Get your hands off me. ARCHER: Okay, relax. Jesus. 110 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:48,900 Whatever happened to Team Archer? 111 00:05:48,910 --> 00:05:51,227 CYRIL: Please tell me that was never a real thing to you. 112 00:05:51,238 --> 00:05:53,238 ARCHER: Eh... I mean... RAY: Hello? 113 00:05:53,248 --> 00:05:55,932 Time's a bit of a factor here! ARCHER: Cyril, for the love 114 00:05:55,944 --> 00:05:58,194 of God, man, jump! CYRIL: Just throw out the 115 00:05:58,205 --> 00:06:00,455 cocaine. ARCHER: What?! No! 116 00:06:00,466 --> 00:06:02,500 I'm not telling Mother I lost the original hundred pounds 117 00:06:02,509 --> 00:06:04,509 of... CYRIL and RAY: Kilos! 118 00:06:04,519 --> 00:06:06,519 ARCHER: ...whatever unit of measurement-- of cocaine! 119 00:06:06,529 --> 00:06:09,580 Plus, all this cocaine! Do you have any idea how mad 120 00:06:09,594 --> 00:06:11,294 she'd be? RAY: Well, the 121 00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:13,836 alternative is a belly-landing in a swamp filled with 122 00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:15,847 alligators! ARCHER: No. No, no, no. No. 123 00:06:15,857 --> 00:06:17,857 What if, um... CYRIL: Archer! 124 00:06:17,867 --> 00:06:19,867 Alligators or your mother! ARCHER: What's the 125 00:06:19,877 --> 00:06:21,877 difference? They're both cold-blooded 126 00:06:21,887 --> 00:06:24,721 prehistoric monsters. (Malory clears throat loudly) 127 00:06:24,734 --> 00:06:27,252 MALORY: Excuse me? ARCHER: I meant the pain of 128 00:06:27,264 --> 00:06:31,016 disappointing you would... bite... alligator... ish... 129 00:06:31,032 --> 00:06:33,032 ly. MALORY: Uh-huh. 130 00:06:33,042 --> 00:06:35,042 ARCHER: Anyway, right about then... 131 00:06:35,052 --> 00:06:37,052 RAY: Okay, I can see the airstrip. 132 00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:39,062 CYRIL: Well, can we make it? RAY: Maybe, if you... 133 00:06:39,071 --> 00:06:41,404 ARCHER: Wait! Ray, you said the Colombians were flying to 134 00:06:41,416 --> 00:06:43,450 this airstrip? RAY: Yes! 135 00:06:43,459 --> 00:06:46,043 Why do you think it's marked on the chart, you idiot? 136 00:06:46,056 --> 00:06:48,306 ARCHER: Okay, well, let's circle back to who's an idiot, 137 00:06:48,316 --> 00:06:51,484 and talk about who's probably waiting at this airstrip. 138 00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:53,499 (Cyril gasps) RAY: Dukes. 139 00:06:53,508 --> 00:06:55,808 ARCHER: And what their reaction will be to three total 140 00:06:55,819 --> 00:07:00,488 strangers showing up in their plane without their coke. 141 00:07:00,509 --> 00:07:02,793 CYRIL: They'll kill us! RAY: Well... maybe not. 142 00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:05,021 ARCHER: Wait, why? CYRIL: Why maybe not? 143 00:07:05,031 --> 00:07:07,231 (sputtering) (Archer and Cyril shout) 144 00:07:07,242 --> 00:07:09,292 RAY: Because that. (sputtering) 145 00:07:09,302 --> 00:07:12,053 (Archer and Cyril shout) And that. 146 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,465 Happy? ARCHER: What, like, in 147 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:17,361 general or...? MALORY: Ooh, this is 148 00:07:17,374 --> 00:07:20,125 exciting. I hope everyone dies. 149 00:07:20,138 --> 00:07:26,476 ARCHER: Uh, we obviously d... Oh. Hardy har, Mother. 150 00:07:26,503 --> 00:07:29,003 (slurps) 151 00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:35,105 MALORY: And so our heroes, such as they are, have run out 152 00:07:35,359 --> 00:07:39,428 of fuel and... what. RAY: No, no, no! 153 00:07:39,446 --> 00:07:42,063 What are you doing?! CYRIL: Throwing out the guns! 154 00:07:42,075 --> 00:07:45,193 RAY: No, no, no, no, no! You're screwing the trim all to 155 00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:47,474 hell! ARCHER (chuckles): This 156 00:07:47,485 --> 00:07:50,069 no-phrasing thing is killing me. RAY: Best case, our 157 00:07:50,081 --> 00:07:53,232 glide ratio's maybe ten-to-one. But it's a lot less with the 158 00:07:53,246 --> 00:07:55,546 damn door hanging... Oh, no, no, no! 159 00:07:55,557 --> 00:07:57,941 (automatic gunfire) CYRIL: Yeah! 160 00:07:57,953 --> 00:08:00,103 ARCHER: Woooooo!! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 161 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:02,113 (Archer and Cyril grunt) RAY: You idiots! 162 00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:04,123 CYRIL: What did I do? ARCHER: Don't. There's no 163 00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:06,150 talking to when he gets like this. 164 00:08:06,159 --> 00:08:08,443 RAY: Dump the damn guns! CYRIL: Uh, I am, if you'd 165 00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,504 shut up! ARCHER: Wait, wait, wait, 166 00:08:10,514 --> 00:08:13,498 wait, Cyril! CYRIL: What? Archer! 167 00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:15,612 RAY: We're coming in! Brace for landing! 168 00:08:15,622 --> 00:08:18,289 ARCHER: Tell you in a minute. RAY: Gear down! 169 00:08:18,302 --> 00:08:21,253 (Cyril moans) RAY (strained): We're not 170 00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:26,319 gonna make it. (Cyril whimpers) 171 00:08:26,341 --> 00:08:30,961 ARCHER: Exciting, isn't it? (Cyril yelping) 172 00:08:30,981 --> 00:08:36,201 (Archer chuckling) ARCHER: Oh, so, Cyril... 173 00:08:36,223 --> 00:08:40,391 what I was gonna say was... maybe don't throw out all the 174 00:08:40,409 --> 00:08:43,694 guns because you know what they say... 175 00:08:43,709 --> 00:08:45,792 it's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the 176 00:08:45,802 --> 00:08:49,337 world's biggest dickhead, and inside your head there's a 177 00:08:49,353 --> 00:08:52,821 million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only 178 00:08:52,837 --> 00:08:55,421 instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you 179 00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:57,850 know... CYRIL: Dicks? 180 00:08:57,861 --> 00:09:00,412 ARCHER: Oh, so you have heard that. 181 00:09:00,424 --> 00:09:03,408 MALORY: And so Gillette lands safely-- I'm sure there's a joke 182 00:09:03,422 --> 00:09:06,223 in there about fairy dust-- and then what happens? 183 00:09:06,236 --> 00:09:08,236 CYRIL (chuckles): Yeah, tell her what happens next. 184 00:09:08,245 --> 00:09:10,245 ARCHER: I will if you shut your... mouth. 185 00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:13,256 (quietly): Okay, listen up. Say what you will about my 186 00:09:13,270 --> 00:09:15,303 skills as a drug kingpin... RAY: You don't have any. 187 00:09:15,313 --> 00:09:17,313 CYRIL: Completely nonexistent. 188 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,323 ARCHER: Are you done? RAY and CYRIL: Yes. 189 00:09:19,332 --> 00:09:21,516 ARCHER: Good, because if there's one thing I'm good at, 190 00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,644 out of the million other things I'm good at, it's infiltrating 191 00:09:23,654 --> 00:09:25,687 the enemy with an assumed identity. 192 00:09:25,697 --> 00:09:27,697 RAY: Named Randy. ARCHER: Named shut up, it's 193 00:09:27,707 --> 00:09:29,707 not always Randy. GILLETTE (chuckling): Oh, my 194 00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:31,717 God. CYRIL: Always. 195 00:09:31,727 --> 00:09:34,495 (others agreeing) ARCHER: That's because 196 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:37,407 Randy's awesome! And I'm the best in the world at 197 00:09:37,421 --> 00:09:40,773 this, so shut up and follow my lead. 198 00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:45,106 Hey, guy... (grunts) (Ray and Cyril squeak) 199 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:47,810 SLATER: Anybody else in there? 200 00:09:47,822 --> 00:09:51,139 RAY and CYRIL: No. (others reacting in shock) 201 00:09:51,154 --> 00:09:53,872 MALORY: Sterling, how are you not dead? 202 00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,168 ARCHER (sighs): Because I didn't get shot with buckshot. 203 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,563 I got beanbagged. (Pam growls) 204 00:09:58,575 --> 00:10:01,542 Beanbagged, Pam. (others gasp, groan) 205 00:10:01,555 --> 00:10:03,555 MALORY: Oh, my God. ARCHER: Yeah, I could've 206 00:10:03,565 --> 00:10:05,565 died. CYRIL (scoffs): It was a 207 00:10:05,575 --> 00:10:08,059 beanbag. ARCHER: Medical fact, Cyril. 208 00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:10,872 If you get hit in the chest between heartbeats, you can die. 209 00:10:10,885 --> 00:10:12,935 Go ask Houdini. PAM (chuckling): Ask him 210 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:18,782 what, how to get AIDS? MALORY (sighs): So who were 211 00:10:18,806 --> 00:10:21,173 these goons? ARCHER: They were... They 212 00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,819 kind of looked ex-military, now that you mention it. 213 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,831 MALORY: American. ARCHER: Yeah, and the 214 00:10:25,841 --> 00:10:28,091 leader's name was... SLATER: Slater. 215 00:10:28,101 --> 00:10:30,835 Just call me Slater. And sorry about the beanbag. 216 00:10:30,848 --> 00:10:33,348 Man, that must kill. ARCHER: Yeah. Yeah, you hear 217 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,912 beanbag," you think Beanie Baby, not... internal bleeding. 218 00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:39,145 SLATER: Well, the door was shot off, and we didn't know who 219 00:10:39,155 --> 00:10:41,856 you were. Still don't, I guess, formally, 220 00:10:41,869 --> 00:10:45,287 uh... ARCHER: Uh, Rand... o. 221 00:10:45,302 --> 00:10:47,302 SLATER: Rando. ARCHER: Yep. 222 00:10:47,312 --> 00:10:49,896 SLATER: Rando...? ARCHER: Uh, no, that's it. 223 00:10:49,908 --> 00:10:53,660 It's a mononym, like Cher. CYRIL: Pliny. 224 00:10:53,677 --> 00:10:55,677 RAY: Cantinflas! SLATER: I know what "mononym" 225 00:10:55,686 --> 00:10:57,986 means. What I don't know is who you 226 00:10:57,997 --> 00:11:00,364 people are. ARCHER: Uh, I'm Rando-- I 227 00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:03,928 think we covered that fairly well-- and these are the, uh, 228 00:11:03,943 --> 00:11:06,443 McCracken brothers, Phil and Odie. 229 00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:08,455 CYRIL: Hello. RAY: Odie, hush. 230 00:11:08,465 --> 00:11:10,465 SLATER: So why do you guys have my cocaine? 231 00:11:10,475 --> 00:11:12,508 ARCHER: We... SLATER: I'm not done. 232 00:11:12,518 --> 00:11:14,569 ARCHER: Sorry. SLATER: What have you done 233 00:11:14,579 --> 00:11:16,779 with Gomez... 234 00:11:16,789 --> 00:11:21,425 What, you're just not gonna answer? 235 00:11:21,445 --> 00:11:24,562 ARCHER: Oh! S-Sorry. You kind of trailed off like 236 00:11:24,577 --> 00:11:27,462 there was, like, a third... SLATER: Why do you have my 237 00:11:27,475 --> 00:11:30,592 cocaine and where the hell is Gomez, full goddamn stop! 238 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,940 ARCHER: Gomez was gonna steal it. 239 00:11:32,951 --> 00:11:35,201 SLATER: Says who? ARCHER (chuckles): "Who." 240 00:11:35,212 --> 00:11:38,464 Nice. Anyway, they called us in, uh, 241 00:11:38,479 --> 00:11:43,515 to address that, which we did and now we're here and... 242 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:49,640 Full stop? TOUGH GUY: Okay, this is the 243 00:11:49,666 --> 00:11:51,583 last of it. The weight's good. 244 00:11:51,592 --> 00:11:53,708 We tested ten of the bricks. Looks like it's all here. 245 00:11:53,719 --> 00:11:55,719 SLATER: Well, either you guys are the shittiest coke thieves 246 00:11:55,728 --> 00:11:57,728 on the planet... CYRIL (chuckles): Which we 247 00:11:57,738 --> 00:12:00,539 are not. (chuckles) You know, I mean, if 248 00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:03,003 that was... I mean, if we put our minds to it. 249 00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:05,065 Look, here's the thing about the McCracken brothers... 250 00:12:05,075 --> 00:12:07,275 ARCHER: Odie, hush! Uh, you were saying? 251 00:12:07,285 --> 00:12:09,652 SLATER: Hey, between you and me, I thought Gomez was hinky 252 00:12:09,664 --> 00:12:12,498 from the get-go and, since the coke's all here, let's get you 253 00:12:12,511 --> 00:12:15,562 fellas loaded. ARCHER: Yeah, now you're 254 00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:19,745 talking. About something else entirely. 255 00:12:19,763 --> 00:12:21,846 Apparently. SLATER (chuckles): What, did 256 00:12:21,856 --> 00:12:24,274 you nerf-nuts think I was talking about getting drunk? 257 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:28,170 ARCHER: Uh, yeah, on money. SLATER (laughing): Oh, man, 258 00:12:28,187 --> 00:12:30,687 classic Rando. And don't worry, Calderon's good 259 00:12:30,699 --> 00:12:33,533 for the money. At least for now. 260 00:12:33,546 --> 00:12:35,713 Am I right, fellas? ARCHER: Are you? 261 00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:38,392 SLATER (laughs): Classic Rando. 262 00:12:38,404 --> 00:12:40,520 ARCHER (chuckles): Yeah, Rando's awesome. 263 00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:42,530 SLATER: So, obviously you're not gonna be able to pressurize 264 00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:44,540 this baby, so, uh... RAY: I'll keep it under 265 00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:46,550 8,000. SLATER: Still gonna freeze 266 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,610 your asses off. Good thing you're flying south, 267 00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:50,687 huh? ARCHER: Mmm... yep. 268 00:12:50,697 --> 00:12:52,630 SLATER: You do know where you're going, right? 269 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,639 ARCHER: I absolutely know where we're going. 270 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,650 CYRIL: Yeah, back home to ask Mommy what to do. 271 00:12:57,664 --> 00:12:59,865 ARCHER: Hey, shut up! CYRIL: You shut up! 272 00:12:59,875 --> 00:13:06,262 ARCHER: Ow. (grunts) Ma, they done killed old Rando. 273 00:13:08,346 --> 00:13:11,304 LANA: So, you leave here with a bunch of the first load of 274 00:13:11,463 --> 00:13:15,355 cocaine, which just mysteriously appeared at ISIS and that Malory 275 00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:17,401 swears wasn't hers... MALORY: Because it most 276 00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:20,384 certainly was not! CYRIL: Wait, then where did it come from? 277 00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:21,960 MALORY: Obviously from Sterling. ARCHER: Obviously from Mother. 278 00:13:22,086 --> 00:13:23,517 MALORY and ARCHER: No, not from me! 279 00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:27,324 Well, I certainly... (high-pitched whistle) 280 00:13:27,459 --> 00:13:28,267 (others groaning) LANA: Sorry to break that up. 281 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,637 I love Freaky Friday as much as the next gal, but let's just 282 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,579 press on, operating under the assumption that one, or more 283 00:13:34,664 --> 00:13:36,830 likely both, of you are lying and that... 284 00:13:36,841 --> 00:13:38,344 MALORY and ARCHER: Lana, I swear... 285 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:41,316 LANA (whistles): Pressing on. So then you stumble into another 286 00:13:41,329 --> 00:13:44,464 bunch of cocaine in the jungle and then continue stumbling into 287 00:13:44,479 --> 00:13:48,781 a beanbagging arms dealer, so that now, almost inexplicably, 288 00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:51,533 we have enough weapons to invade Quebec. 289 00:13:51,546 --> 00:13:53,813 KRIEGER: Wait, literally? LANA: No, Krieger, not 290 00:13:53,824 --> 00:13:55,824 literally. PAM: Aww. 291 00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,834 CHERLENE: Lame. KRIEGER: Well, if we ever do, 292 00:13:57,843 --> 00:13:59,977 the best time to invade is right after brunch, when 293 00:13:59,988 --> 00:14:01,988 they're all logy. LANA: Archer? 294 00:14:01,998 --> 00:14:04,398 ARCHER: I don't know. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but... 295 00:14:04,409 --> 00:14:06,409 LANA: Still talking about this. 296 00:14:06,419 --> 00:14:08,653 Not invading Quebec. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, then they 297 00:14:08,663 --> 00:14:11,030 loaded the plane with the weapons, said we were heading 298 00:14:11,042 --> 00:14:13,642 south and that Calderon would pay us. 299 00:14:13,654 --> 00:14:17,423 LANA: Calderon? (gasps) As in Gustavo Calderon? 300 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,342 ARCHER (burps): Should I know who that is? 301 00:14:21,359 --> 00:14:23,392 CYRIL: How could you not? ARCHER: I don't know, Cyril. 302 00:14:23,402 --> 00:14:26,670 Maybe I was busy saving your life once, and then you shot me. 303 00:14:26,684 --> 00:14:30,552 MALORY: Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus, is the president of 304 00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:32,569 San Marcos. (Archer burps) 305 00:14:32,579 --> 00:14:34,780 ARCHER: Should I know... MALORY: Oh for God's sake, 306 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:38,092 Sterling, it's a country in Central America. 307 00:14:38,107 --> 00:14:40,140 ARCHER: Mm, not according to this. 308 00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:42,150 LANA: Because that thing's a hundred years old. 309 00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,159 It still says "German East Africa." 310 00:14:44,169 --> 00:14:46,103 KRIEGER: We will never recognize Tanganyika! 311 00:14:46,113 --> 00:14:48,113 LANA: Well, it's Tanzania now, so... 312 00:14:48,123 --> 00:14:50,123 PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame. 313 00:14:50,132 --> 00:14:52,132 KRIEGER: Well, whatever, as long as they don't nationalize 314 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,709 the ivory trade. I don't think my portfolio can 315 00:14:54,721 --> 00:14:58,523 take the hit. LANA: Trust me, San Marcos is 316 00:14:58,540 --> 00:15:00,873 a country. MALORY: And it's in the 317 00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:03,185 middle of a civil war. Communist rebels are tearing 318 00:15:03,196 --> 00:15:05,563 through the countryside like... like... 319 00:15:05,574 --> 00:15:07,674 PAM: Cows. Bees. 320 00:15:07,685 --> 00:15:10,018 Hang on. Bees. 321 00:15:10,029 --> 00:15:12,763 MALORY (sighs): How do you not know about San Marcos? 322 00:15:12,775 --> 00:15:15,810 It's all over the news every night. 323 00:15:15,824 --> 00:15:18,241 ANCHORMAN: from San Marcos tonight, as the Communist rebel 324 00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:21,754 forces consolidate their gains in the countryside, and now 325 00:15:21,769 --> 00:15:25,271 prepare to move on the capital. We spoke with President Gustavo 326 00:15:25,287 --> 00:15:29,239 Calderon, seen here volunteering at the hospital, comforting the 327 00:15:29,256 --> 00:15:31,289 wounded. CALDERON: Oh, hello, I did 328 00:15:31,299 --> 00:15:33,299 not see you there. I was comforting this brave 329 00:15:33,309 --> 00:15:37,478 young man here, the fruit of San Marcos, wounded by a Communist 330 00:15:37,496 --> 00:15:40,047 sneeper. I think he has died. 331 00:15:40,059 --> 00:15:42,476 Yes. But let me say this, to the 332 00:15:42,488 --> 00:15:45,539 Communists who are murdering our brave young fruits, and to 333 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:49,305 the puppet masters in Moscow and the capital of China, you 334 00:15:49,321 --> 00:15:52,021 cannot kill the spirit of San Mar... 335 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,034 PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame. 336 00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:56,844 As in who cares. MALORY: The United States. 337 00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:59,057 Apparently Calderon is barely clinging to power. 338 00:15:59,068 --> 00:16:01,068 ARCHER: Huh. You think this is somehow 339 00:16:01,078 --> 00:16:03,078 related? (chuckles) 340 00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:05,121 I'm kidding, obviously. RAY: Are you? 341 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,131 PAM: Yeah, right. LANA: I don't think you are. 342 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,324 ARCHER: Yes, I'm kidding. Because you want to know what I 343 00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:12,036 really think is going on here? CHERLENE: You're all jealous! 344 00:16:12,048 --> 00:16:14,932 My album's coming out, and it's gonna be huge, and you're all 345 00:16:14,946 --> 00:16:17,230 jealous, and so you just want to ruin it for me. 346 00:16:17,241 --> 00:16:19,524 MALORY: Why would I want to ruin your album? 347 00:16:19,534 --> 00:16:23,002 I get 50% of the profits. LANA: Archer? 348 00:16:23,018 --> 00:16:25,402 ARCHER: I don't know, maybe a little jealous. 349 00:16:25,413 --> 00:16:27,413 It's an exciting time for her. LANA: This. 350 00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:29,740 Still talking about this. ARCHER: Oh, right, right, 351 00:16:29,751 --> 00:16:31,751 right. So what I think is... 352 00:16:31,761 --> 00:16:34,312 MALORY: I think you've managed to stumble backwards 353 00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:36,707 into a CIA-backed, anti-Communist, 354 00:16:36,718 --> 00:16:40,220 drugs-for-arms operation. ARCHER: Wow, that actually 355 00:16:40,236 --> 00:16:42,236 makes more sense. LANA: Than...? 356 00:16:42,246 --> 00:16:44,279 ARCHER: No, no, let's just go with her thing. 357 00:16:44,289 --> 00:16:46,206 CYRIL: Which, if it's true, is... 358 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:48,215 MALORY: Wonderful. CYRIL: I was going to say 359 00:16:48,225 --> 00:16:50,225 terrible. MALORY: Because you are a 360 00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:53,036 timid man, Cyril. CYRIL: What? No, I'm not. 361 00:16:53,049 --> 00:16:56,166 PAM (laughing): Dude, your balls are made of pussy. 362 00:16:56,180 --> 00:17:00,316 (Archer laughs) ARCHER: Aah! Ow. Oh. 363 00:17:00,334 --> 00:17:02,784 All kidding aside, I maybe should go to a hospital. 364 00:17:02,795 --> 00:17:05,546 MALORY: Cyril, this is an opportunity to finally make 365 00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:07,859 some money. Even if we had a buyer for the 366 00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:12,206 cocaine, do we even still have half of it left? 367 00:17:12,225 --> 00:17:14,509 KRIEGER: Eh... MALORY: What? 368 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,636 KRIEGER: It's, um, you know, not... It's... 369 00:17:16,646 --> 00:17:18,646 MALORY: Krieger! KRIEGER: Mm? 370 00:17:18,656 --> 00:17:20,790 MALORY: Tell me what's going on or I will literally 371 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,717 emasculate you. KRIEGER: Well, no, if you 372 00:17:23,731 --> 00:17:27,283 literally emas... (coughs) Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've 373 00:17:27,298 --> 00:17:30,032 been working on a bit of a side project. 374 00:17:30,045 --> 00:17:35,482 I give you... the Red Kriegtober. 375 00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:37,505 LANA: Um... KRIEGER: Or the Red 376 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,548 OctKrieger. I can't decide. 377 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,359 It's a narco-sub. For transporting cocaine. 378 00:17:42,372 --> 00:17:44,539 It's totally undetectable by the Coast Guard. 379 00:17:44,549 --> 00:17:46,499 Thoughts? LANA: How you gonna get it 380 00:17:46,509 --> 00:17:48,475 out of here? KRIEGER: Hm? 381 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:53,605 LANA: How does that thing leave this room? 382 00:17:53,627 --> 00:17:56,511 KRIEGER: Goddamn it! MALORY: Oh, for the... 383 00:17:56,524 --> 00:17:59,442 How much money did you waste on that little boondoggle? 384 00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:01,655 KRIEGER: Well, it's not that so much as... 385 00:18:01,666 --> 00:18:04,050 MALORY: Krieger? KRIEGER: Well, I needed 386 00:18:04,061 --> 00:18:07,512 ballast, and what better to simulate bricks of cocaine than, 387 00:18:07,528 --> 00:18:10,413 you know, bricks of cocaine? MALORY: Krieger... 388 00:18:10,426 --> 00:18:13,176 KRIEGER: And when I realized it would never feel the wind on 389 00:18:13,189 --> 00:18:18,726 its face, or taste the salty spray of the sea, I... I... 390 00:18:18,749 --> 00:18:23,218 (explosions) MALORY: You what? 391 00:18:23,238 --> 00:18:26,773 KRIEGER: I blew it up! Goddamn you all to hell, I blew 392 00:18:26,788 --> 00:18:28,922 it up! (all exclaiming) 393 00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:31,166 CHERLENE: I'm not cleaning it up. 394 00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:33,810 PAM: You mean it's all gone? KRIEGER: I... (sniffles) 395 00:18:33,823 --> 00:18:39,794 No, no, not all of it. (Pam sobbing) 396 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,236 PAM: Why? KRIEGER: Shh, shh, shh, shh, 397 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,114 shh, shh, shh. There, there. 398 00:18:45,128 --> 00:18:47,879 MALORY: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice. 399 00:18:47,891 --> 00:18:50,725 WOODHOUSE: Straightaway, mum. MALORY: Oh, and a small bowl, 400 00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,822 a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor. 401 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,882 CYRIL: Whoa. RAY: Just calm down. 402 00:18:54,892 --> 00:18:56,925 ARCHER: Whoa, whoa... LANA: You're not emasculating 403 00:18:56,935 --> 00:18:58,935 Krieger. KRIEGER: What the hell was 404 00:18:58,945 --> 00:19:00,945 the mirror for? MALORY: So you could watch. 405 00:19:00,955 --> 00:19:03,155 (thunder rumbles) (Krieger squeaks) 406 00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:06,301 (Malory sighs) MALORY: The perfect ending 407 00:19:06,315 --> 00:19:09,149 to the perfect... (laughs) 408 00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:12,714 I almost said "evening." More like months, though, 409 00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:14,930 isn't it? Since we started scrabbling for 410 00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:19,442 coins because the damn government took away our... 411 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,246 everything. They took everything. 412 00:19:22,259 --> 00:19:25,093 And the only thing that was left, you idiots either lost, 413 00:19:25,106 --> 00:19:30,210 gave away, ate or just blew up and sank. 414 00:19:30,232 --> 00:19:32,232 ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger. LANA: Archer. 415 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:34,858 MALORY: And so, starting now, in addition to the country 416 00:19:34,871 --> 00:19:39,323 music business, which... CHERLENE: Right? 417 00:19:39,342 --> 00:19:41,526 MALORY: We are in the arms business. 418 00:19:41,536 --> 00:19:44,070 KRIEGER: There's still a little cocaine left. 419 00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:46,082 LANA: Krieger. ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger. 420 00:19:46,092 --> 00:19:48,092 LANA: And do we want to talk about this or... 421 00:19:48,102 --> 00:19:50,719 MALORY: You're welcome to. I, personally, am going to bed. 422 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,533 It's been a long night. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, wh-why are 423 00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:56,550 you all dressed up? MALORY: Well, not that it's 424 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,727 any of anyone's business, but I had dinner with Ron. 425 00:19:58,737 --> 00:20:00,737 ARCHER: What? CHERLENE: Ooh. 426 00:20:00,747 --> 00:20:02,780 CYRIL: Sounds delightful. ARCHER: Wait-- you're still 427 00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:05,090 getting divorced, right? MALORY: No. 428 00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,101 We have decided to give it another chance, and so we will 429 00:20:07,111 --> 00:20:09,111 be going to marriage counseling and... (mumbles) 430 00:20:09,121 --> 00:20:11,121 ARCHER: Wait, what? PAM: Huh? 431 00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:13,130 CYRIL: Marriage counseling and what? 432 00:20:13,140 --> 00:20:15,224 ARCHER: I didn't catch that. MALORY: Oh, for... 433 00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:18,285 We've decided to have an open marriage. 434 00:20:18,299 --> 00:20:20,299 CYRIL: Okay. PAM: Nice. 435 00:20:20,309 --> 00:20:22,426 KRIEGER: Gross. CHERLENE: Oh, my God. 436 00:20:22,436 --> 00:20:24,436 MALORY: Well, it was either that or... 437 00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:27,240 (phone rings) CHERLENE (gasps): Oh, my God. 438 00:20:27,371 --> 00:20:29,683 It's Ron. Hello... 439 00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,095 (all gasping) ARCHER: Oh, no! 440 00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:33,165 MALORY: And so... ARCHER: Jesus. 441 00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:34,812 Hope he doesn't call me. 442 00:20:34,938 --> 00:20:37,461 Why would he call you? (phone ringing) 443 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,077 (clears throat) 444 00:20:44,951 --> 00:20:51,690 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 445 00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:56,290 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38391

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