Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:04,736
Krieger: Okay, specs are all in
the green. So, let me just reboot the
2
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:10,042
CPU, and... Beep boop, you
are no longer a cripple.
3
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:13,045
- Ray: One, two, three, Go Herd.
- Krieger: Well?
4
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:16,048
Ray: Well? Well, you
could've done this weeks ago!
5
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:20,585
- So it's about goddamn time!
- Krieger: Ooh, hang on a sec? [Ray yells]
6
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,656
- Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying?
- Ray: Thank you.
7
00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:28,126
- Krieger: No, what were you saying like you meant it?
- Ray: Thank you, Krieger,
8
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:32,264
- for once again giving me the precious gift of legs.
- Krieger: You're welcome.
9
00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:37,351
Ray: Now, if you will excuse me, I need
to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
10
00:00:37,386 --> 00:00:41,139
Malory: Ha! Perfect,
this is absolutely perfect.
11
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,309
- Cherlene!
- Cyril: Ow! God! Come on!
12
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:47,846
- Lana: Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby.
- Malory: Oh, shut up. Cher...
13
00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:52,517
- Cherlene: What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice!
- Malory: How...
14
00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:57,723
would you, my little country songbird,
like to be on Travis County Limits?
15
00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:00,392
- Cyril: Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits?
- Malory: It's comparable,
16
00:01:00,526 --> 00:01:04,293
- hush. Cherlene?
- Cherlene: I don't know. I guess.
17
00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:09,352
Malory: You... would be wonderful, and
it would be wonderful publicity, and...
18
00:01:09,387 --> 00:01:13,202
- wonderful.
- Cherlene: [groans] All right. When is it?
19
00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:16,602
Malory: Tapes tomorrow night, but we
should leave today. I don't want you
20
00:01:16,637 --> 00:01:18,932
- flying the same day you're performing.
- Cherlene: Oh, don't worry about that.
21
00:01:18,967 --> 00:01:21,730
- Malory: Well, but...
- Cherlene: Because Cherlene don't fly.
22
00:01:21,765 --> 00:01:25,081
Malory: Airplane air is so dry,
plus you're breathing in God knows
23
00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:27,986
what those tuberculars
in coach are... Excuse me?!
24
00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:32,723
- Cherlene: I don't fly.
- Malory: I... but-but I've seen you fly.
25
00:01:32,857 --> 00:01:35,893
- Cherlene: Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly.
- Lana: In a helicopter, the
26
00:01:36,027 --> 00:01:39,596
- space shuttle...
- Pam: Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?
27
00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:42,766
- Oh, come on, we were all thinking it.
- Archer: What, how are you all
28
00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:45,869
- so goddamn loud?
- Lana: Could you not find a punch bowl?
29
00:01:46,004 --> 00:01:50,708
Archer: It was too heavy. [loud crashing nearby]
[Woodhouse grunting]
30
00:01:53,011 --> 00:01:56,647
[grunting and crashing continues]
31
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:02,339
[groans]
32
00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:06,590
Archer: And also too spilly.
Now, what's with all the yelling?
33
00:02:06,725 --> 00:02:09,760
Malory: I booked Cherlene on
Travis County Limits, and...
34
00:02:09,894 --> 00:02:11,774
- Archer: Is that like...?
- Malory: It's comparable!
35
00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:15,385
- But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly.
- Archer: Wait, really?
36
00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:18,686
So you've only got 24
hours to drive to Texas?
37
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:21,536
- Malory: Well, 36 but...
- Archer: But after we get a bus
38
00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:24,942
- and a blocker car it'll be 24, right?
- Malory: What?
39
00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:27,252
- Lana: Oh. Oh, God, no.
- Archer: Yes!
40
00:02:27,253 --> 00:02:28,830
- Lana: Archer?
- Archer: Lana!
41
00:02:28,831 --> 00:02:30,981
Malory: Sterling! What
are you talking about?
42
00:02:31,116 --> 00:02:33,964
- Lana: Smokey and the goddamn Bandit.
- Malory: What?
43
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,855
- Archer: We're going Eastbound and down!
- Malory: I will never
44
00:02:37,989 --> 00:02:41,352
understand his idiotic fascination
with all this Burt Reynolds
45
00:02:41,387 --> 00:02:45,185
- Smokey trucker nonsense.
- Lana: I think part of it is because you didn't get him
46
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:50,367
- that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday.
- Malory: Wha...? He was 30!
47
00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:24,439
5x05 - Archer Vice:
Southbound and Down
48
00:03:24,998 --> 00:03:27,734
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
49
00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:34,607
- Lana: And words fail me. I have no words.
- Archer: How about
50
00:03:34,741 --> 00:03:38,277
- ten-goddamn-four?!
- Malory: How about how much did this cost?
51
00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:41,547
- Cherlene: How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo!
- Archer: You know what they say...
52
00:03:41,681 --> 00:03:45,320
- can't put a price on free advertising.
- Malory: No, they don't,
53
00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:48,454
- and free this isn't.
- Archer: Exactly. How much are they
54
00:03:48,588 --> 00:03:51,480
- paying Cherlene?
- Malory: It's public television, they don't pay
55
00:03:51,493 --> 00:03:55,327
anything. All they do is suck
money in. They take our taxes...
56
00:03:55,462 --> 00:03:59,625
- Lana: Or donations, whatever.
- Malory: Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking
57
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:05,404
Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes
it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,
58
00:04:05,539 --> 00:04:09,111
launders it in inner-city methadone clinics,
and pumps it right back
59
00:04:09,162 --> 00:04:14,647
- out to pro-abortion, super-PACs!
- Lana: Still no words. [Pam grunting]
60
00:04:14,781 --> 00:04:19,503
- And, wow, maybe I have aphasia.
- Malory: Where do you think you're going?
61
00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:21,353
Archer: She's driving the bus.
Mother, get on the bus.
62
00:04:21,488 --> 00:04:24,523
- Lana, you're riding with me.
- Lana: In what?
63
00:04:24,658 --> 00:04:26,967
[tires screeching]
64
00:04:27,002 --> 00:04:30,329
Archer: In the blocker car, duh, if
Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle.
65
00:04:30,463 --> 00:04:33,332
- Malory: The what?
- Lana: Okay, first of all...
66
00:04:33,466 --> 00:04:37,308
- Malory: How much did that cost?
- Archer: Well, again, it's advertising, so...
67
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:40,073
- Malory: For what?
- Archer: Hmm, I guess Pontiac?
68
00:04:40,108 --> 00:04:42,441
- Malory: God.
- Archer: And where are you going?
69
00:04:42,576 --> 00:04:46,579
Lana: Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate
life blossoming inside me, nowhere in
70
00:04:46,713 --> 00:04:49,582
- a car with T-tops and a four-barrel.
- Archer: Wha... Who's gonna do
71
00:04:49,716 --> 00:04:53,612
snappy dialogue with me,
underscored by sexual attraction?
72
00:04:54,821 --> 00:04:58,657
I'm so angry right now
I can't even... [sniffs]
73
00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:03,092
Oh, goddamn it!
Did you fart in that? [Pam laughing]
74
00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:13,616
- Lana: Damn it, Cyril, slow down!
- Malory: Cyril, do nothing of the sort!
75
00:05:13,651 --> 00:05:17,450
Because if we miss that taping,
I won't be responsible for my actions.
76
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,545
- Lana: Are you ever?
- Malory: She said, single and
77
00:05:19,679 --> 00:05:24,137
- pregnant. Oh, wait.
- Cyril: Can you two please go...
78
00:05:24,172 --> 00:05:28,387
anywhere else? It's bad enough
I have to drive 24 hours straight.
79
00:05:28,521 --> 00:05:32,358
Lana: Well, Krieger said he needed
Ray's help on some sort of project.
80
00:05:32,492 --> 00:05:37,098
- Ray: This quit being funny two hours ago!
- Krieger: It's not supposed to be funny.
81
00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:40,399
Malory: So shut up and drive the damn bus!
82
00:05:40,533 --> 00:05:44,536
Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about
Cherlene getting a record deal.
83
00:05:44,671 --> 00:05:48,560
- Lana: Right, and your 10 percent of it.
- Malory: Or 50 or whatever.
84
00:05:48,595 --> 00:05:50,276
- Lana: What?
- Cyril: 50, really?
85
00:05:50,277 --> 00:05:53,399
Lana: Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?
86
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,481
- Nothing?
- Cyril: Meh.
87
00:05:55,615 --> 00:05:58,717
Malory: And not that I care what any of you
think, about anything, but I lost everything
88
00:05:58,852 --> 00:06:03,723
when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took
what little I had left, so now I need to
89
00:06:03,724 --> 00:06:08,594
make it back somehow. And I'm not doing
that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling,
90
00:06:08,728 --> 00:06:12,982
who, unbelievably, is even
worse at this than at spying.
91
00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:16,619
Archer: Hey, so...
yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's
92
00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:18,704
holding down the talk-button thingy?
93
00:06:18,838 --> 00:06:22,541
- Cyril: Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer.
- Lana: Exactly the opposite
94
00:06:22,676 --> 00:06:25,544
- of how it works.
- Cyril: What? Oh.
95
00:06:25,679 --> 00:06:30,161
- Uh, sorry, Archer. [Archer sighs]
- Archer: Ten-ten-four, good buddy.
96
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:34,734
- Malory: Sterling?
- Cyril: Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow!
97
00:06:35,169 --> 00:06:40,170
- Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?!
- Pam [laughing]: Ouch!
98
00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:43,686
- Archer: Shut up.
- Pam: Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard
99
00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:47,733
her say that. That's got to be a real
knee to the old emotional nut sack.
100
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:51,804
Archer: Well, I guess it would be, if
A: I weren't the world's greatest spy.
101
00:06:51,938 --> 00:06:53,405
- Pam: Eh.
- Archer: Shut up,
102
00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:55,607
and B: If they weren't sitting on a
103
00:06:55,742 --> 00:06:57,982
- hundred pounds of coke.
- Pam: What?!
104
00:06:58,097 --> 00:07:02,548
- Archer: Affirmatory, good buddy!
- Pam: Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up
105
00:07:02,682 --> 00:07:06,785
- in Texas and everything?!
- Archer: Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on.
106
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,669
We're talking about Texas.
Somebody, somewhere, wants enough
107
00:07:10,768 --> 00:07:13,892
- cocaine to forget they live there.
- Pam: Yeah, but not 100 pounds.
108
00:07:14,027 --> 00:07:18,380
Archer: Maybe we'll get lucky, find an
entire town that wants to commit suicide.
109
00:07:18,832 --> 00:07:22,768
Pam: Wonder if there's a statewide
database of towns with sucky high school
110
00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:25,771
football teams cross-indexed with
towns a black person just moved to.
111
00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:30,309
- Archer: Jesus, Pam, I was kidding.
- Pam: [laughs] Duh, me too, lickbag.
112
00:07:30,344 --> 00:07:32,557
Archer: Well, but see if there is one, just
113
00:07:32,648 --> 00:07:36,615
- for shits and giggles.
- Pam: Um, so, hey, speaking of...
114
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,589
Archer: The hat fart was
technically a shart? [laughs]
115
00:07:40,854 --> 00:07:45,824
- How are you still single?
- Pam: Right? [chomps]
116
00:07:45,959 --> 00:07:48,560
[belches]
117
00:07:55,221 --> 00:07:58,123
Lana: Cyril! [Cyril screams]
Goddamn it!
118
00:07:58,257 --> 00:08:01,226
- Cyril: I'm-I'm sorry!
- Malory: What the hell is going on up here?!
119
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,362
- Cyril: I must've dozed off!
- Lana: Really? You don't just hate signs?
120
00:08:04,497 --> 00:08:08,166
- Cyril: No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow!
- Lana: In addition to sushi,
121
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:13,138
booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also
supposed to abstain from bus crashes!
122
00:08:13,272 --> 00:08:17,242
- So stay awake!
- Cyril: I'm trying, but 18 hours?
123
00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:20,136
- I don't know how Pam's doing it.
- Lana: Seriously?
124
00:08:20,206 --> 00:08:24,057
Pam: Woooooo!!
[laughs]
125
00:08:24,092 --> 00:08:26,384
[Archer yells]
Archer: What the...?!
126
00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:29,435
- Pam: Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas!
- Archer: Already?
127
00:08:29,527 --> 00:08:33,980
- What the shit, Pam?!
- Pam: That's how we do backseat drivers.
128
00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:36,718
- Archer: I was driving!
- Pam: Yeah, and sucking at it.
129
00:08:36,797 --> 00:08:41,417
- Archer: Goddamn it! How long was I out?
- Pam: Like, 12 hours? Five states,
130
00:08:41,528 --> 00:08:43,849
dozen cupcakes, a
bunch of truck stops.
131
00:08:43,850 --> 00:08:46,171
Trucker [over CB]: Uh,
breaker breaker, you got your
132
00:08:46,305 --> 00:08:48,350
- ears on, Snowball? Come back.
- Pam: Hang on.
133
00:08:48,447 --> 00:08:52,093
Archer: Your handle is Snowball?! Like
Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?!
134
00:08:52,113 --> 00:08:55,313
- Pam: Who?
- Archer: Oh. Is it from from the cupcake?
135
00:08:55,448 --> 00:09:00,118
- Pam: Cupcakes? Oh! [laughs] Oh, no.
- Archer: Then what's it...?
136
00:09:00,252 --> 00:09:03,254
Pam: Truck stops... are crazy awesome!
This is Snowball, good buddy.
137
00:09:03,389 --> 00:09:06,947
- Trucker: You might wanna check your six, Snowball.
- Archer: Ew, is that about the shart?!
138
00:09:06,982 --> 00:09:10,094
- Pam: Wha...? No, lickbag!
- Archer: It was a reasonable assumption.
139
00:09:10,229 --> 00:09:13,240
- Pam: What the...?
- Trucker: Looks like you got
140
00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:16,134
- a chain gang knocking on your back door.
- Archer: Bikers?
141
00:09:16,268 --> 00:09:19,437
- What the hell do they want?
- Cyril: I think they want us to pull over.
142
00:09:19,572 --> 00:09:22,307
- Malory: Obviously, you idiot! Why?!
- Cherlene: Kidnapping!
143
00:09:22,441 --> 00:09:26,377
It's a kidnapping, it's
a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene!
144
00:09:26,512 --> 00:09:30,114
- Lana: Why would bikers want to kidnap you?
- Malory: Why would anyone?
145
00:09:30,249 --> 00:09:32,450
- Cyril: Yeah, you're not even famous.
- Cherlene: Yet! Duh!
146
00:09:32,585 --> 00:09:36,454
- Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over!
- Lana: We are not...
147
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:41,014
Cherlene: Hey, treebeard!
Take me with you! You can do unspeakable
148
00:09:41,061 --> 00:09:46,264
- things to and/or on me! I... [shrieks]
- Lana: You are not getting
149
00:09:46,398 --> 00:09:49,956
- kidnapped just to boost your singing career!
- Malory: Well, now wait a minute.
150
00:09:49,991 --> 00:09:52,270
Archer: Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody
151
00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:55,173
- we were hauling a shitload of coke?!
- Pam: Uh...
152
00:09:55,307 --> 00:09:57,920
[phone rings]
153
00:09:57,921 --> 00:10:03,147
- Mmm... maybe.
- Archer: Maybe?!
154
00:10:03,282 --> 00:10:06,184
- Pam: Or definitely. Or whatever.
- Archer: Goddamn it, Pam!
155
00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:09,401
- Pam: I wanted people to like me.
- Archer: People who like you because you have
156
00:10:09,419 --> 00:10:13,491
cocaine aren't people you want as
friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist,
157
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:17,395
but neither are people who need
a roll of quarters to take a shower!
158
00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:21,499
Pam: It's not just a shower, it's more
communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...
159
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:26,471
Archer: Wow! I didn't think it was possible,
but I somehow just got even angrier!
160
00:10:26,605 --> 00:10:28,968
- Pam: What the heck are you looking for?
- Lana: Gun!
161
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:34,466
- Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out!
- Cyril: No! [all yelling]
162
00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:39,350
- Cyril: Oh, God! [bikers scream]
- Pam: They're shooting at them!
163
00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:42,675
Archer: And I'd love nothing
more than to shoot back, Pam,
164
00:10:42,785 --> 00:10:45,690
- but somehow, I can't find my gun!
- Pam: Huh.
165
00:10:45,824 --> 00:10:49,558
- Malory: For the love of God, just pull over!
- Cyril: Uh, okay.
166
00:10:49,593 --> 00:10:51,362
- Lana: Cyril, do not stop this bus!
- Cyril: Okay!
167
00:10:51,497 --> 00:10:55,153
Malory: Let's just give them Cherlene.
That is the very definition of a win-win!
168
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,648
- Cherlene: Yes!
- Lana: No!
169
00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,571
- Cherlene: Why do you always ruin everything for me?!
- Lana: Why do you always never shut up?!
170
00:10:59,705 --> 00:11:03,308
Archer: Because where the hell is my gun?!
171
00:11:03,442 --> 00:11:09,447
Pam: Are you, like, sure you brought it?
[gunfire, both scream]
172
00:11:09,582 --> 00:11:12,550
- Lana: Ugh! Move! [Cyril gasps]
- Malory: Oh, shut up.
173
00:11:12,685 --> 00:11:16,120
Lana: Seriously.
[tires squeal, horns blare]
174
00:11:18,424 --> 00:11:20,391
[bikers scream]
175
00:11:23,562 --> 00:11:27,565
Archer: Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did
you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?!
176
00:11:27,577 --> 00:11:32,024
Pam: Okay, so, apparently a big thing
at truck stops is a game called craps.
177
00:11:32,129 --> 00:11:38,376
And apparently I'm not good at it.
[Pam screams]
178
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:43,348
- Cyril: Lana, Lana, Lana!
- Lana: Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs!
179
00:11:45,618 --> 00:11:47,286
[biker screams]
180
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:52,694
[Lana chuckles]
Lana: Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!
181
00:11:52,729 --> 00:11:56,026
- Shit! [all scream, tires screech]
- Archer: Because even
182
00:11:56,039 --> 00:12:00,598
a goddamn baby knows, in craps,
you never bet on the hard ways! Ow!
183
00:12:00,733 --> 00:12:07,271
- Oh shi...
- All: ...it! [both screaming]
184
00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:16,547
- Pam: You mad?
- Archer: Give ya three guesses, Pam.
185
00:12:16,682 --> 00:12:21,586
Pam: No?
No? No?
186
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,297
Archer: Wrong, Pam. Although I bet
I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be
187
00:12:25,294 --> 00:12:28,312
- when I tell her this was all your fault!
- Pam: Aw, come on, Archer,
188
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:32,343
- don't do that! That's not what good buddies do!
- Archer: Okay, first of all,
189
00:12:32,347 --> 00:12:36,634
- you have wildly misjudged our relationship!
- Lana: Archer!
190
00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:39,568
- Archer: Lana!
- Pam: Yeah, you're one to talk.
191
00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:43,474
- Archer: And you're lucky I don't have my gun!
- Malory: And just why the hell don't you?!
192
00:12:43,609 --> 00:12:46,611
Archer: Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam!
193
00:12:46,745 --> 00:12:51,020
- Pam: Oh, come on, please?
- Archer: I...! [groans]
194
00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:55,586
- I-I didn't think I would need it.
- Cherlene: [gasps] You didn't think?!
195
00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:58,551
Well, it's a good damn thing
I ain't paying you to think!
196
00:12:58,552 --> 00:13:00,438
Archer: Yeah, you're
not actually pay... Ow!
197
00:13:00,473 --> 00:13:04,000
Cherlene: The quite-soon-to-be-number-one
country singer in America?!
198
00:13:04,035 --> 00:13:06,664
And you don't think
I'm a kidnapping risk?!
199
00:13:06,799 --> 00:13:10,468
- Archer: Wait... you do? Ow!
- Lana: Yeah, you know,
200
00:13:10,602 --> 00:13:13,571
I'm with Archer. I think those bikers
just wanted to rob us, or...
201
00:13:13,706 --> 00:13:19,477
Pam: What?! I mean, that's just
absolutely crazy. We have nothing.
202
00:13:19,611 --> 00:13:21,760
Malory: Well, I would
like to revisit this whole
203
00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:24,985
kidnapping idea when we have
more time, but she still has
204
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,353
- a show in two hours and we've still got...
- Cyril: I think about a hundred miles.
205
00:13:29,488 --> 00:13:32,557
Lana: And one extremely flat tire, so...
206
00:13:32,691 --> 00:13:34,125
[screams]
207
00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:38,429
Cherlene: Fix it!
I will be on my tour bus
208
00:13:38,564 --> 00:13:41,426
- putting whiskey and glue inside me.
- Malory: You heard her. Fix it.
209
00:13:41,461 --> 00:13:43,962
Pam: Yeah, you guys chill on the bus.
210
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,472
- I'll help lickbag here change the tire.
- Malory: Oh, my God.
211
00:13:47,606 --> 00:13:52,377
Pam: Sorry, I had to sell it.
Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag!
212
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:55,681
Archer: [sighs]
And what's with the "lickbag" stuff?
213
00:13:55,717 --> 00:13:59,717
[laughing] It's your CB handle! I told
it to everybody from here to Kentucky!
214
00:13:59,852 --> 00:14:04,489
[clicks tongue]
Good buddy. [chomps]
215
00:14:08,236 --> 00:14:12,940
Archer: [grunting]
Whew! Okay, that's got it.
216
00:14:13,074 --> 00:14:16,710
- Malory: Well, it took you long enough.
- Archer: Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes
217
00:14:16,745 --> 00:14:19,013
- start to finish, what an incompetent boob.
- Malory: Your words.
218
00:14:19,147 --> 00:14:22,149
- Archer: You know...
- Cherlene: Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?!
219
00:14:22,284 --> 00:14:26,552
Pam: Yeah, whatcha waiting
for, lickbag? [belches]
220
00:14:27,569 --> 00:14:30,517
[engine accelerating, tires squealing]
221
00:14:30,518 --> 00:14:32,882
[freestyle scatting]
222
00:14:32,917 --> 00:14:36,953
- [clears throat] Ten-four.
- Lana: So, I think we may have a problem.
223
00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:40,423
Archer: Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting
for her to have a heart attack, but...
224
00:14:40,458 --> 00:14:42,069
- Lana: Not Pam.
- Pam: Yay!
225
00:14:42,204 --> 00:14:45,806
- Lana: The cops.
- Pam: Boo.
226
00:14:45,941 --> 00:14:48,175
- Archer: Oh, shit! [siren wailing]
- Lana: Yeah, I'm gonna pull over.
227
00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:51,912
- Malory: No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes!
- Lana: What do you want me to
228
00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:55,015
- do, run from the cops?
- Malory: I want you to take that exit for the venue.
229
00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:58,790
Let Sterling deal with this
in that ridiculous blocker car.
230
00:14:58,791 --> 00:15:01,218
Archer: Yeah, good,
you guys get out of here;
231
00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:03,991
- we'll lure them away and outrun them.
- Pam: In this shit-heap?
232
00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:07,194
- Are you nuts?!
- Archer: Are you? You want them to get
233
00:15:07,329 --> 00:15:11,599
- pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine?
- All: What?!
234
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:16,103
- Archer: Or kilos, or whatever.
- Malory: You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus
235
00:15:16,238 --> 00:15:20,439
- without my permission?! Sterling?!
- Lana: You have to press the button.
236
00:15:20,474 --> 00:15:22,042
- Malory: The what?
- Lana: Oh, for... You dated
237
00:15:22,177 --> 00:15:25,112
- Burt Reynolds!
- Pam: They don't have the coke, lickbag!
238
00:15:25,247 --> 00:15:28,949
- We do! Right here in the Trans Am!
- Malory: Oh.
239
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,884
Well, then problem solved.
240
00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:36,090
[sirens wailing]
Archer: So, I have a question.
241
00:15:36,224 --> 00:15:39,193
Pam: I switched the coke in Little Rock,
'cause I was worried that...
242
00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:42,997
Archer: That because of your fat, blabbering
mouth Lana would get caught with it
243
00:15:43,131 --> 00:15:45,149
and have to have her baby in prison?
244
00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:47,167
Or because you were low on cupcakes?!
245
00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:50,995
[tires squealing]
Pam: Does the why really matter?
246
00:15:51,647 --> 00:15:55,042
Cherlene:
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truckin'
247
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:58,659
We gonna do what they say can't be done
248
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:03,466
We got a long way to go
And a short time to get...
249
00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:05,252
Pam: Yeah! Check it out, lickbag!
250
00:16:05,387 --> 00:16:09,189
- Cherlene wrote a song about us.
- Archer: What? She didn't write a...
251
00:16:09,324 --> 00:16:15,129
- That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it!
- Pam: Oww!
252
00:16:15,263 --> 00:16:18,232
- What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?!
- Archer: Now both of our cars
253
00:16:18,366 --> 00:16:23,211
are messed up!
I just leveled the playing field!
254
00:16:23,468 --> 00:16:27,900
- Pam: Oh, my God, I can't feel my face!
- Archer: Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got
255
00:16:27,935 --> 00:16:31,815
- anything to do with your cocaine-only diet!
- Pam: Well, it's a small
256
00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:35,149
price to pay for beauty! [gun clicking]
[gunshot]
257
00:16:35,283 --> 00:16:38,285
- Archer: Damn it!
- Pam: Man, and here you are without your gun.
258
00:16:38,420 --> 00:16:42,089
- That's pretty ironic, huh?
- Archer: No, Pam, once again you're confusing
259
00:16:42,223 --> 00:16:44,675
the word ironic with "you are an idiot".
260
00:16:44,676 --> 00:16:47,127
What's ironic is that every other store
261
00:16:47,262 --> 00:16:52,032
- we drive by is a gun shop!
- Pam: Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?
262
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:56,036
Archer: Nobody really knows!
Hang on! [tires squealing]
263
00:16:56,171 --> 00:17:00,040
And then back up a sec.
You're endangering your life for beauty?
264
00:17:00,175 --> 00:17:04,178
Pam: Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now?
Let me answer that for you.
265
00:17:04,312 --> 00:17:07,247
As balls. That's why
everybody likes me now.
266
00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:10,250
Archer: Who, your trucker buddies?!
They only like you because
267
00:17:10,385 --> 00:17:13,287
- you have coke, Pam.
- Pam:, Well, and the snowballs, but...
268
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:16,957
Archer: And for what it's worth, we
all kind of liked you the way you were.
269
00:17:17,092 --> 00:17:20,027
- [gunshot] Pam: Really?
- Archer: Well, we hated you less.
270
00:17:20,161 --> 00:17:25,757
- You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole.
- Pam: Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.
271
00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:27,167
Archer: Oh, for... Pam, who cares?
272
00:17:27,302 --> 00:17:32,072
That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue.
Albeit a shitload of it.
273
00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:37,157
- But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose.
- Pam: Aw, you want to bang me?
274
00:17:37,192 --> 00:17:39,346
[gunshot]
Archer: Obviously! I mean look at those
275
00:17:39,481 --> 00:17:42,349
big bastards! Sucks we're
gonna go to prison, though.
276
00:17:42,484 --> 00:17:46,323
- Pam: Prison? But it's my first offense.
- Archer: Well, except for treason,
277
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:50,438
but explain all that to the
Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll...
278
00:17:50,473 --> 00:17:53,127
Pam: Wait a minute, we're in
Travis county. Why does their car
279
00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:56,096
- say Brazos county?
- Archer: Give you three guesses!
280
00:17:56,231 --> 00:17:58,843
- Pam: Crooked cops?
- Archer: Yes!
281
00:17:58,873 --> 00:18:02,219
- Pam: Hang on, I still got two...
- Archer: Pam, get the coke!
282
00:18:02,217 --> 00:18:03,571
Pam: Yeah!
Holy coke snacks.
283
00:18:03,572 --> 00:18:06,039
- Enable the shit out of me!
- Archer: What?
284
00:18:06,174 --> 00:18:08,409
- Not to snort, you idiot!
- Pam: Well, I don't want to shoot it.
285
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:12,525
- That seems like a pretty slippery slope!
- Archer: Pam, any cocaine is
286
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,048
a slippery slope! It's the
world's most addictive drug.
287
00:18:15,183 --> 00:18:19,192
- Pam: Hang on, I heard it was nicotine.
- Archer: It may very well be, Pam,
288
00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:23,355
but in our current situation I would
argue that cocaine is more dangerous,
289
00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:27,094
because we're about to get
murdered for it! [gunshots]
290
00:18:27,228 --> 00:18:32,198
- [tires squealing] Pam: Yeah, but not overall...
- They don't want us,
291
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:36,281
- they just want the coke, so throw it out!
- Pam: Of the car?
292
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:40,119
- Archer: Pam!
- Pam: Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!
293
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:45,124
- Archer: What could I possibly owe you?!
- Pam: I believe there was some
294
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:50,195
- mention of bone-throwing?
- Archer: Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win.
295
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:55,200
Charlene: I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run! [screaming]
296
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,304
[sirens stop]
297
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:01,273
Cherlene: Woo-hooo! Thank you!
298
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:05,841
Good night, Travis County!
There will be no encore!
299
00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:07,137
Woooooo!
[crowd booing]
300
00:19:07,138 --> 00:19:09,414
- Malory: Wait, what?
- Cherlene: Outlaw country!
301
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:13,352
Malory: No, no, no, you don't walk off after
one song; you get back out there this instant.
302
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,093
- What are you doing?
- Cherlene: Uh, it's called cultivating mystique?
303
00:19:17,128 --> 00:19:18,545
- Malory: But...
- Cherlene: It's also called
304
00:19:18,546 --> 00:19:21,182
sniffing a shit-ton of glue in
my tour bus hot tub
305
00:19:21,183 --> 00:19:24,296
- because I personify outlaw country?
- Malory: The...
306
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:28,783
- Cherlene: Outlaw country! Woooooo!
- Tony: Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,
307
00:19:28,818 --> 00:19:32,171
and I want to make that little gal
famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...?
308
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,946
- Malory: Oh, no, it's actually Ms....
- Lana: It's actually Mrs.
309
00:19:35,981 --> 00:19:39,165
- Malory: Will you put...
- Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call
310
00:19:39,188 --> 00:19:43,211
when y'all are ready to make some
gold records. Yee-haw! [slaps]
311
00:19:43,346 --> 00:19:46,281
- Malory: Ooh! Well, that went better than expected.
- Lana: Yeah, maybe you can use
312
00:19:46,415 --> 00:19:49,184
the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.
313
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:51,419
- Cyril: I actually don't think you can.
- Archer: Plus there's no need.
314
00:19:51,554 --> 00:19:53,175
- Lana: Wait, what?
- Malory: Sterling!
315
00:19:53,176 --> 00:19:55,512
Archer: Yeah, no, everything
is, uh, totally fine now,
316
00:19:55,547 --> 00:19:57,259
and we totally got away.
So, all set.
317
00:19:57,393 --> 00:19:59,594
Malory: Yes, but how?
The police were right behind you.
318
00:19:59,729 --> 00:20:03,164
Archer: Which is right where I wanted
them, so I could go old school Bandit.
319
00:20:03,299 --> 00:20:06,334
- With an inverted triple Needham.
- Malory: Well, it was your own
320
00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:11,129
fault for bringing cocaine without asking,
but I suppose all's well that ends well.
321
00:20:11,164 --> 00:20:13,281
- Pam: Well, except for...
- Archer: Pam?
322
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,636
- All's well that ends well?
- Pam: Oh, right.
323
00:20:17,696 --> 00:20:21,122
But what about the hundred pounds
of coke you dumped on the highway?
324
00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:23,516
- Malory: What?!
- Archer: Pam!
325
00:20:24,063 --> 00:20:27,304
Balladeer: Looks like old
Snowball done it again!
326
00:20:29,096 --> 00:20:32,679
327
00:20:32,729 --> 00:20:37,279
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
32692
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
