Original subtitles

Krieger: Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the

CPU, and... Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple.

- Ray: One, two, three, Go Herd. - Krieger: Well?

Ray: Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago!

- So it's about goddamn time! - Krieger: Ooh, hang on a sec? [Ray yells]

- Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying? - Ray: Thank you.

- Krieger: No, what were you saying like you meant it? - Ray: Thank you, Krieger,

- for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - Krieger: You're welcome.

Ray: Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.

Malory: Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect.

- Cherlene! - Cyril: Ow! God! Come on!

- Lana: Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby. - Malory: Oh, shut up. Cher...

- Cherlene: What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice! - Malory: How...

would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits?

- Cyril: Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits? - Malory: It's comparable,

- hush. Cherlene? - Cherlene: I don't know. I guess.

Malory: You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and...

- wonderful. - Cherlene: [groans] All right. When is it?

Malory: Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you

- flying the same day you're performing. - Cherlene: Oh, don't worry about that.

- Malory: Well, but... - Cherlene: Because Cherlene don't fly.

Malory: Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows

what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?!

- Cherlene: I don't fly. - Malory: I... but-but I've seen you fly.

- Cherlene: Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly. - Lana: In a helicopter, the

- space shuttle... - Pam: Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?

- Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - Archer: What, how are you all

- so goddamn loud? - Lana: Could you not find a punch bowl?

Archer: It was too heavy. [loud crashing nearby] [Woodhouse grunting]

[grunting and crashing continues]

[groans]

Archer: And also too spilly. Now, what's with all the yelling?

Malory: I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and...

- Archer: Is that like...? - Malory: It's comparable!

- But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Archer: Wait, really?

So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?

- Malory: Well, 36 but... - Archer: But after we get a bus

- and a blocker car it'll be 24, right? - Malory: What?

- Lana: Oh. Oh, God, no. - Archer: Yes!

- Lana: Archer? - Archer: Lana!

Malory: Sterling! What are you talking about?

- Lana: Smokey and the goddamn Bandit. - Malory: What?

- Archer: We're going Eastbound and down! - Malory: I will never

understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds

- Smokey trucker nonsense. - Lana: I think part of it is because you didn't get him

- that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Malory: Wha...? He was 30!

5x05 - Archer Vice: Southbound and Down

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

- Lana: And words fail me. I have no words. - Archer: How about

- ten-goddamn-four?! - Malory: How about how much did this cost?

- Cherlene: How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - Archer: You know what they say...

- can't put a price on free advertising. - Malory: No, they don't,

- and free this isn't. - Archer: Exactly. How much are they

- paying Cherlene? - Malory: It's public television, they don't pay

anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes...

- Lana: Or donations, whatever. - Malory: Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking

Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,

launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back

- out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Lana: Still no words. [Pam grunting]

- And, wow, maybe I have aphasia. - Malory: Where do you think you're going?

Archer: She's driving the bus. Mother, get on the bus.

- Lana, you're riding with me. - Lana: In what?

[tires screeching]

Archer: In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle.

- Malory: The what? - Lana: Okay, first of all...

- Malory: How much did that cost? - Archer: Well, again, it's advertising, so...

- Malory: For what? - Archer: Hmm, I guess Pontiac?

- Malory: God. - Archer: And where are you going?

Lana: Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in

- a car with T-tops and a four-barrel. - Archer: Wha... Who's gonna do

snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction?

I'm so angry right now I can't even... [sniffs]

Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that? [Pam laughing]

- Lana: Damn it, Cyril, slow down! - Malory: Cyril, do nothing of the sort!

Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions.

- Lana: Are you ever? - Malory: She said, single and

- pregnant. Oh, wait. - Cyril: Can you two please go...

anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight.

Lana: Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project.

- Ray: This quit being funny two hours ago! - Krieger: It's not supposed to be funny.

Malory: So shut up and drive the damn bus!

Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.

- Lana: Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Malory: Or 50 or whatever.

- Lana: What? - Cyril: 50, really?

Lana: Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?

- Nothing? - Cyril: Meh.

Malory: And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything

when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to

make it back somehow. And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling,

who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying.

Archer: Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's

holding down the talk-button thingy?

- Cyril: Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Lana: Exactly the opposite

- of how it works. - Cyril: What? Oh.

- Uh, sorry, Archer. [Archer sighs] - Archer: Ten-ten-four, good buddy.

- Malory: Sterling? - Cyril: Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow!

- Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Pam [laughing]: Ouch!

- Archer: Shut up. - Pam: Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard

her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack.

Archer: Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy.

- Pam: Eh. - Archer: Shut up,

and B: If they weren't sitting on a

- hundred pounds of coke. - Pam: What?!

- Archer: Affirmatory, good buddy! - Pam: Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up

- in Texas and everything?! - Archer: Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on.

We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough

- cocaine to forget they live there. - Pam: Yeah, but not 100 pounds.

Archer: Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide.

Pam: Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school

football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to.

- Archer: Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Pam: [laughs] Duh, me too, lickbag.

Archer: Well, but see if there is one, just

- for shits and giggles. - Pam: Um, so, hey, speaking of...

Archer: The hat fart was technically a shart? [laughs]

- How are you still single? - Pam: Right? [chomps]

[belches]

Lana: Cyril! [Cyril screams] Goddamn it!

- Cyril: I'm-I'm sorry! - Malory: What the hell is going on up here?!

- Cyril: I must've dozed off! - Lana: Really? You don't just hate signs?

- Cyril: No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow! - Lana: In addition to sushi,

booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes!

- So stay awake! - Cyril: I'm trying, but 18 hours?

- I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Lana: Seriously?

Pam: Woooooo!! [laughs]

[Archer yells] Archer: What the...?!

- Pam: Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! - Archer: Already?

- What the shit, Pam?! - Pam: That's how we do backseat drivers.

- Archer: I was driving! - Pam: Yeah, and sucking at it.

- Archer: Goddamn it! How long was I out? - Pam: Like, 12 hours? Five states,

dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops.

Trucker [over CB]: Uh, breaker breaker, you got your

- ears on, Snowball? Come back. - Pam: Hang on.

Archer: Your handle is Snowball?! Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?!

- Pam: Who? - Archer: Oh. Is it from from the cupcake?

- Pam: Cupcakes? Oh! [laughs] Oh, no. - Archer: Then what's it...?

Pam: Truck stops... are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy.

- Trucker: You might wanna check your six, Snowball. - Archer: Ew, is that about the shart?!

- Pam: Wha...? No, lickbag! - Archer: It was a reasonable assumption.

- Pam: What the...? - Trucker: Looks like you got

- a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Archer: Bikers?

- What the hell do they want? - Cyril: I think they want us to pull over.

- Malory: Obviously, you idiot! Why?! - Cherlene: Kidnapping!

It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene!

- Lana: Why would bikers want to kidnap you? - Malory: Why would anyone?

- Cyril: Yeah, you're not even famous. - Cherlene: Yet! Duh!

- Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over! - Lana: We are not...

Cherlene: Hey, treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable

- things to and/or on me! I... [shrieks] - Lana: You are not getting

- kidnapped just to boost your singing career! - Malory: Well, now wait a minute.

Archer: Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody

- we were hauling a shitload of coke?! - Pam: Uh...

[phone rings]

- Mmm... maybe. - Archer: Maybe?!

- Pam: Or definitely. Or whatever. - Archer: Goddamn it, Pam!

- Pam: I wanted people to like me. - Archer: People who like you because you have

cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist,

but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower!

Pam: It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...

Archer: Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier!

- Pam: What the heck are you looking for? - Lana: Gun!

- Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out! - Cyril: No! [all yelling]

- Cyril: Oh, God! [bikers scream] - Pam: They're shooting at them!

Archer: And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam,

- but somehow, I can't find my gun! - Pam: Huh.

- Malory: For the love of God, just pull over! - Cyril: Uh, okay.

- Lana: Cyril, do not stop this bus! - Cyril: Okay!

Malory: Let's just give them Cherlene. That is the very definition of a win-win!

- Cherlene: Yes! - Lana: No!

- Cherlene: Why do you always ruin everything for me?! - Lana: Why do you always never shut up?!

Archer: Because where the hell is my gun?!

Pam: Are you, like, sure you brought it? [gunfire, both scream]

- Lana: Ugh! Move! [Cyril gasps] - Malory: Oh, shut up.

Lana: Seriously. [tires squeal, horns blare]

[bikers scream]

Archer: Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?!

Pam: Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps.

And apparently I'm not good at it. [Pam screams]

- Cyril: Lana, Lana, Lana! - Lana: Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs!

[biker screams]

[Lana chuckles] Lana: Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!

- Shit! [all scream, tires screech] - Archer: Because even

a goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways! Ow!

- Oh shi... - All: ...it! [both screaming]

- Pam: You mad? - Archer: Give ya three guesses, Pam.

Pam: No? No? No?

Archer: Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be

- when I tell her this was all your fault! - Pam: Aw, come on, Archer,

- don't do that! That's not what good buddies do! - Archer: Okay, first of all,

- you have wildly misjudged our relationship! - Lana: Archer!

- Archer: Lana! - Pam: Yeah, you're one to talk.

- Archer: And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - Malory: And just why the hell don't you?!

Archer: Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam!

- Pam: Oh, come on, please? - Archer: I...! [groans]

- I-I didn't think I would need it. - Cherlene: [gasps] You didn't think?!

Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think!

Archer: Yeah, you're not actually pay... Ow!

Cherlene: The quite-soon-to-be-number-one country singer in America?!

And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?!

- Archer: Wait... you do? Ow! - Lana: Yeah, you know,

I'm with Archer. I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or...

Pam: What?! I mean, that's just absolutely crazy. We have nothing.

Malory: Well, I would like to revisit this whole

kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has

- a show in two hours and we've still got... - Cyril: I think about a hundred miles.

Lana: And one extremely flat tire, so...

[screams]

Cherlene: Fix it! I will be on my tour bus

- putting whiskey and glue inside me. - Malory: You heard her. Fix it.

Pam: Yeah, you guys chill on the bus.

- I'll help lickbag here change the tire. - Malory: Oh, my God.

Pam: Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag!

Archer: [sighs] And what's with the "lickbag" stuff?

[laughing] It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky!

[clicks tongue] Good buddy. [chomps]

Archer: [grunting] Whew! Okay, that's got it.

- Malory: Well, it took you long enough. - Archer: Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes

- start to finish, what an incompetent boob. - Malory: Your words.

- Archer: You know... - Cherlene: Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?!

Pam: Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag? [belches]

[engine accelerating, tires squealing]

[freestyle scatting]

- [clears throat] Ten-four. - Lana: So, I think we may have a problem.

Archer: Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but...

- Lana: Not Pam. - Pam: Yay!

- Lana: The cops. - Pam: Boo.

- Archer: Oh, shit! [siren wailing] - Lana: Yeah, I'm gonna pull over.

- Malory: No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - Lana: What do you want me to

- do, run from the cops? - Malory: I want you to take that exit for the venue.

Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car.

Archer: Yeah, good, you guys get out of here;

- we'll lure them away and outrun them. - Pam: In this shit-heap?

- Are you nuts?! - Archer: Are you? You want them to get

- pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? - All: What?!

- Archer: Or kilos, or whatever. - Malory: You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus

- without my permission?! Sterling?! - Lana: You have to press the button.

- Malory: The what? - Lana: Oh, for... You dated

- Burt Reynolds! - Pam: They don't have the coke, lickbag!

- We do! Right here in the Trans Am! - Malory: Oh.

Well, then problem solved.

[sirens wailing] Archer: So, I have a question.

Pam: I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that...

Archer: That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it

and have to have her baby in prison?

Or because you were low on cupcakes?!

[tires squealing] Pam: Does the why really matter?

Cherlene: Eastbound and down Loaded up and truckin'

We gonna do what they say can't be done We got a long way to go And a short time to get...

Pam: Yeah! Check it out, lickbag!

- Cherlene wrote a song about us. - Archer: What? She didn't write a...

- That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it! - Pam: Oww!

- What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?! - Archer: Now both of our cars

are messed up! I just leveled the playing field!

- Pam: Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! - Archer: Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got

- anything to do with your cocaine-only diet! - Pam: Well, it's a small

price to pay for beauty! [gun clicking] [gunshot]

- Archer: Damn it! - Pam: Man, and here you are without your gun.

- That's pretty ironic, huh? - Archer: No, Pam, once again you're confusing

the word ironic with "you are an idiot".

What's ironic is that every other store

- we drive by is a gun shop! - Pam: Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?

Archer: Nobody really knows! Hang on! [tires squealing]

And then back up a sec. You're endangering your life for beauty?

Pam: Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you.

As balls. That's why everybody likes me now.

Archer: Who, your trucker buddies?! They only like you because

- you have coke, Pam. - Pam:, Well, and the snowballs, but...

Archer: And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were.

- [gunshot] Pam: Really? - Archer: Well, we hated you less.

- You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. - Pam: Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.

Archer: Oh, for... Pam, who cares?

That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue. Albeit a shitload of it.

- But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose. - Pam: Aw, you want to bang me?

[gunshot] Archer: Obviously! I mean look at those

big bastards! Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though.

- Pam: Prison? But it's my first offense. - Archer: Well, except for treason,

but explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll...

Pam: Wait a minute, we're in Travis county. Why does their car

- say Brazos county? - Archer: Give you three guesses!

- Pam: Crooked cops? - Archer: Yes!

- Pam: Hang on, I still got two... - Archer: Pam, get the coke!

Pam: Yeah! Holy coke snacks.

- Enable the shit out of me! - Archer: What?

- Not to snort, you idiot! - Pam: Well, I don't want to shoot it.

- That seems like a pretty slippery slope! - Archer: Pam, any cocaine is

a slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug.

- Pam: Hang on, I heard it was nicotine. - Archer: It may very well be, Pam,

but in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous,

because we're about to get murdered for it! [gunshots]

- [tires squealing] Pam: Yeah, but not overall... - They don't want us,

- they just want the coke, so throw it out! - Pam: Of the car?

- Archer: Pam! - Pam: Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!

- Archer: What could I possibly owe you?! - Pam: I believe there was some

- mention of bone-throwing? - Archer: Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win.

Charlene: I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run! [screaming]

[sirens stop]

Cherlene: Woo-hooo! Thank you!

Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore!

Woooooo! [crowd booing]

- Malory: Wait, what? - Cherlene: Outlaw country!

Malory: No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant.

- What are you doing? - Cherlene: Uh, it's called cultivating mystique?

- Malory: But... - Cherlene: It's also called

sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub

- because I personify outlaw country? - Malory: The...

- Cherlene: Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Tony: Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,

and I want to make that little gal famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...?

- Malory: Oh, no, it's actually Ms.... - Lana: It's actually Mrs.

- Malory: Will you put... - Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call

when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw! [slaps]

- Malory: Ooh! Well, that went better than expected. - Lana: Yeah, maybe you can use

the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.

- Cyril: I actually don't think you can. - Archer: Plus there's no need.

- Lana: Wait, what? - Malory: Sterling!

Archer: Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now,

and we totally got away. So, all set.

Malory: Yes, but how? The police were right behind you.

Archer: Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit.

- With an inverted triple Needham. - Malory: Well, it was your own

fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well.

- Pam: Well, except for... - Archer: Pam?

- All's well that ends well? - Pam: Oh, right.

But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway?

- Malory: What?! - Archer: Pam!

Balladeer: Looks like old Snowball done it again!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0